A Broken Hallelujah

From my lips is drawn a Hallelujah....
It is a new year, A NEW YEAR dear God a NEW YEAR!!!
I won't stay stuck in time after all! I won't live forever with deep bleeding cuts of my soul and broken heart. 
For we all break, we all heal and we all need each other Hallelujah! 
Maybe there is a God above but I am not going to ever know for sure, only with faith, hope and love can I seek such a thought that maybe...maybe we are not all alone on this earth. Look at the sun shining for you and me, seek the fresh air and love all creatures great and small.  
Hallelujah we have life all around us when we face death and pain, we have strength in saying goodbye or letting go of our need to control. The world is bigger then any right or wrong, then any judgement we spit at each other. Our love and spirit glows in a dark tunnel when we hit up against storms.
It's a broken Hallelujah to end this year and start over again in the next 12 months....
I will not stop writing but I will not be on here everyday anymore. I have learned so much seeing myself come through here in my writings, in my tears and in my laughter. In my sharing of things good or bad within my memories, I have been asking myself many questions over the years and now I can share them questions like;  how did I come to think this thought? or how did I become who I am? Why did I still smile after being slapped in the back of my head? How could I believe it ALL gets better when I was always told it only gets worse?
Happiness, Joy these are things that carry me through out my day by choice or by nature of who I am, even though anger and sadness have taught me life lessons this year as well.... 
         I am ready ever so ready to give up these days and move forward....My happy ending is out there, only it's just living that I want to enjoy doing again. Healing and helping is what I hope to accomplish, Showing the beauty of this earth and the comfort of loving people will always be in the light of my eyes and the laughter I let go as I grow older.....Hallelujah. 
My broken Hallelujah welcomes in this new year.

Hallelujah

The Old Rugged Cross

Is it us, is it only us? 
As human beings living in this world? 
Is this the only world with life?
Are we humans GREAT and CHOSEN above all living things?
I ask this because I was raised with such notions, with such organized religion structures. That We humans are the justified souls going to heaven as long as we are "Saved" in the correct manner of course....
I ask, I ask these questions easily because I do not believe in it anymore. I do not see what the religious people see, I will never go back to believing like that again. I escape the matrix actually and once you are out it can be odd to ever try and return.
I wonder... ARE WE ALL THERE IS?...What is the reason for this life force and why does the earth spin us around? 
I wonder because I do not have the answers like I once did.....oh for those days when I could preach fearlessly without doubt or even second guessing....Now I know I will never win over debating about the human soul caught between Hell's lake of fire and Heaven's gold singing angels. I will never win that debate because I do not know that idea anymore. I do not think it is like that in our moment of death. Christianity and my own personal self will never be on the same page ever again. YET I am like the dude in Pilgrim's progress who lays down his big heavy burden from his back to the floor of the cross...for I also lay my "biblical baggage" at the very same spot, that old rugged cross. Jesus had much more teach us before his untimely death, I am sure he would be in shock by the way his life story took on a magical power. No doubt like how Hollywood can take a great novel and make us say "Wait a minuet...it didn't happen like THAT!" What would Jesus say? I may have set aside my religion to reclaim my life, but I never left my wonder and awe in seeking a spiritual world. I did see through the words people quoted and the ideas of rules that keep us guarded. I laid my anger and sadness, my self-righteousness and elite views in being the chosen people of this earth at the foot of that old rugged cross. I did not want to change it in for a crown like the old hymn sings, Instead I wanted to be FREE of it all. When the holy spirit moves it doesn't not knock on the doors of houses, when the situation calls for courage asking what would Jesus do is just stalling, for you should know what YOU your own self would do. When you live with arms wide open you will find yourself among many friends like Jesus did. There is a reason why the people loved him and he became a legend. He was human like you and me, he lived preaching unconditional love. Everything else is laying back at the foot of the cross, I am just asking more questions now. Like why does religion and rules make humans feel safe? Why do we carry around the exceptions of others in hopes to be better? I will never be a christian again but I will always honor Jesus and his life that was shared, for he was the change he wished to see in the world. I tip my hat to him knowing his work, our work in building a loving world will always be there. So for all I don't know, I know this .....LOVE is all you need! 
No really I am not joking....LOVE is all you need, LOVE is all you need, Love Love love okay yes now I am singing along with the Beattles ahahahahahaha!

For Me and You

To make the Call.....

There are sad words in our lives, there are hurting fearful moments in our memories that never go away....we learn to make peace with them in the best way we can.... 
There are miracles in our lives also, there are loving brave moments in our memories that teach us something about ourselves.

When the doctor said "You have 2 options, you have 2 choices really....one is that if you leave her like this and she will die." The whole ICU room melted in a fresh rush of tears from everyone by this honest information. The doctor continued explaining respectfully to our stunned painful faces "Or we can operate immediately and she will recover with some brain loss...it's hard to speculate the recovery but she will live." 

 I think THESE are the words for this year 2011,  If I were to bring you the reader through out my life of this year...THESE are the words I hear every so often in my memories.
I reached for my sister hearing these words spoken so honestly about our mother in that ICU room. We hung on each other like little girls we felt we were once again. We had poured out our heart and soul talking trying to wake up our mother from her sudden coma. Her 6 children were laying across her fading body in this haze of heavy tears and deep fears. I liked those who could pray, did and those who knew this was a painful moment, cried. 
This whole scene plays slowly in my mind's eye often when I sit with my coffee cup in the mornings as I ask myself such questions like; How did we make that call? 
How do we know what we choose is right? When it comes to ourselves wanting my mother alive the answer is easy but what if she doesn't want this handicap life and mental struggles ahead? 
We all made the call together to choose life in whatever shape that would be for our mother....
Looking back on this year I dislike it GREATLY and I am an extreme positive person so naturally for me to dislike even hate an entire year is very odd. I stayed up all night long those first few days because I knew if my mother died my family would died in a different way as well, we only had her as our common ground. She has now said if this happens again let her go and let her be....she wants to rest in peace. I hope we never have to make that call again, but at least we now know what she wants. I was surprised when my father said they had an agreement in their marriage never to give up and to stay alive at any cost. I could see that desire when it's just being a discussion however in real life things are not that clear cut....I wondered why my parents weren't more for the escape to Heaven as in their religious system. I know death is unknown but most Christians would disagree with me. I am glad my mother made it through even with all her pain and struggle. I still wonder if she is happy we fought for her soul to stay on this earth a bit longer...the reasons we all may have for keeping our mother with us is very personal, but what does she want now I wonder as I listen carefully to her say "Do NOT bring me back to this couch again...I would rather my life was over then to start all over again." We all should be able to understand her views with grace....for this is going to be a hard life for her, she will always remember when both feet moved effortlessly and she took care of everyone else. 
I look back on this event as one that changed me deeply. I will never be the same, like go back to my idea that we can save the world through unconditional love. We can just live with unconditional love knowing we are not in charge of making happy endings for everyone. At least we can for ourselves, be all the joy and peace in one hopeful smile and true loving hug....
I now wipe away my many many tears with my rose colored glasses off then I take a deep breath and purposely put them back on...This magical world will win over the dark shadows of pain and fear. Yet I will remain true and strong towards good in humanity as I simply live... for with God or no God we are ALL just one phone call from our knees.
 

Reflecting on reflecting....

I was very proud of my blog with some of my drawings of Alison for she was my childhood story line. My imagination captured her in a life far away from my very own and yet she had the life I wanted to be apart of! So I drew her alive and well doing the good heroic things I saw needed done in this world. She inspired me to grow up and actual BE HER....I wanted her long hair and big eyes. I knew she had this inner peace in her bravery and the fact that no one ever knew just how smart she was made me love Alison all the more. She doesn't need to tell anyone who she is, for she just IS! (Wow all that in one drawn character on a blank boring piece of paper! Go see who YOU will draw up next and save the whole world by the tip of your pen!)  I loved this blog of Alison I can't forget how fun it was to scan and post her into the internet world:-)

My Favorite Posts of the Year

This is a list of my favorite posts over this year, I think in all that has happened it is good to look back and see how I have changed and how I keep learning new things all the time....
My writing is always living inside of me, moving through my thoughts and ideas of things I want to share. 
I will always share who I am.
My blog has become a big part of my everyday this year and now I feel like it will keep teaching me as I go, it will take me along life's path with even more things to write about, so I look forward to a new journey in a new year!

Sharing death is a very touchy subject to some, others may never want to think about it period. But I like what Harry says to Sally in the great movie "When Harry met Sally" that when the times comes he will be ready for it. I had a childhood surround by the talk of death and the questions asked of me when I was only 3 years old where do you go in the after life? Maybe it messed with my head but death has no fear over me, I don't even have a "Get out death" card like a religious person keeps with 'em. I am ready for it no matter what just as I am....No one knows this topic maybe I will always write about it because it is a mystery?

Sharing my friends, I have many good memories with my friends that could fill my heart with such joy this blog post was one of my favorites because it was showing me changing, growing up and yet still caring for my friends. My friend Benny and I still tease each other in some of the same ways but we also have grown beyond this joy ride to the depths of our changing lives.

This was hard to write actually but once I did, it laid to rest in the history of my life....I stopped carrying it around with me wondering if somehow I could have done something different..I can only learn from back then to be good at what I do now. 

When it comes to reconnecting with family in the last few years, THIS year has been amazingly full of love and new friendships like this! In my heart is a special place for Cousins.
The very first of my friends in this life time...and one of my favorite groups to write about:-)

Writing about my old church life is sometimes really fun and even sweet in remembering, but mostly I am left in awe that I am out! I am free like with no mafia threat to a shorter life span even....I am in awe!

In the mirror I wish I could have frozen myself, and never allowed the next month's drama of my mother's stroke to take me down so hard! But then going down is the event getting back up is the new strength from in with yourself that will never be put out once it's lit!

This is my most favorite blog of the whole year....I bet you know why, such JOY!
Then THIS DAY was a big deal for me after such living in hell at the hospital.....There is no comfort quite as good as a dog who loves you when no one else is around!


My highlight memory of this blogging year was the Jon Katz book signing in Portland....one of such happiness that I will always remember!

 
This is my favorite picture of the whole year also:-)
My beloved sweet Aunt Chris, she is my dearest wonderful friend!

My Favorite things

In the reflective awareness of this year 2011, I will list a few of my favorite things I discovered in this 12 month time.....

1.Remember "Hachi"
I LOVED this movie, still do actually...
There is a force bigger then ourselves at work in this world, our dogs understand it and share it with us. That is, if we are paying attention....


2. My favorite song for all of this year is; "Fix You" by Cold Play 
but their newest song "Paradise" came out just this year and I have it on repeat when I need to twirl and dance again! 

3. For the love of foods! Without wonderful dishes and delightful flavors life would be a boring place....I am glad to have my own kitchen and keep my tummy happy with all these yummy things to eat! (Now I need a good paleo recipe for pizza crust and then I can eat this again! Ha!)


4. Going to Stanley Idaho was a big highlight this year, hiking the trails in the forest  and taking in all the nature around us was a comfortable magical time. It was so good for my soul to be strong enough from such a good road trip, in facing the next following weeks still to unfold...


5. At the first of this year I got the book club to read "Rose in a Storm", It was exciting and easy to read! Then the follow up was fun as I excitedly shared what I love about Rose (a REAL LIVE DOG in this fictional novel.)Of course Now our Rose has passed away only a few days ago...yet her books still remain on my shelves as a reminder of how fast our lives fly by! How amazing it is to share that time with our dogs!!!


6.Gardening grows rich and strong the more you do it and discover the joys in soil and sun! My most favorite pair of shoes this year are my crocs....They are still around each time I pop out my back door into my favorite part of my home that huge fenced in yard!


This year reviews are loaded with so many memories and easily captured because I tried to post each and every day as a personal goal. I am looking forward to writing without a dead line next year...2011 wasn't the amazing magical happiness I was hoping for, but I have learned so much in such changes that I will await the new year maybe a bit more wiser then wishful. My favorite things list will always keep growing along with my years! 

Happy New start to a better year for ALL!

What is God to you?

Last week I sat with my mother as she entertained company, 2 women from her young parenting life, back when my mother was full of energy in high hopes to home school and to be the best homemaker ever! I sat happily enjoying the company of women who have changed. Who I could clearly see have grown in their lives as well...when I was a kid I use to worry about these women as they chatted over hot tea and whoopi pies. They were feeding off each others egos and images of perfect christian motherhood, I worried about them because I saw how prideful these religious rules and ideals were sending them into an exhausting life style of unnatural perfection. Last week I sat happily to see they survived, these women I use to worry about so much.....In fact they came out a bit more humbled by real life then I ever thought. As a child I was surrounded by chatting discussion over a bible verse meaning this or that and how premarital sex was THE SIN of all Sins....These women my mother included lived a very sheltered and safe life in comforting pages of their bibles. When they prayed once again in hands with my mother on her couch now months after her stroke I realized praying is more for the ones who do it then for the one they pray for. Prayer isn't the problem with religion, we all need to calm our souls and clear our minds so if praying stops us from worrying ourselves in circles then it is a good thing to share. I watched these women once they held the keys of structure for their children, of such guidance with the glory of God. Once I was little watching them in wonder and worry, now I know the glory of God isn't within any pages of a book. However easily found inside ourselves, always there from the moment we drew breath until the moment we die. Our soul is simply already a part of God's glory, our strength in realizing this is however a very personal journey, that even with all the bible verses studied can not bring about this awareness. 
My mother cuts people off in their stories and sentences, not out of rudeness in any way but now in how she is forever changed. She doesn't have her right side brain to flare up warnings of other people speaking...she is mostly living on her left side now which is our sense of individual self. Her story telling is very much real and working just fine, her memories are strong enough to remind her of what she was like and who she is still. I think most people understand, it's impossible to take my mother interrupting personal, she is a survivor of a stroke. I listened to these women of my childhood visit and watched with such joy at how my mother shared her story of what she remembers about her stroke. I am a grown woman now, aware of much more deeper things then just whether or not a woman should have the right to vote or how a proper woman will not leave home until she is married to maintain the correct christian family structure. Luckily for me I listened to these women talk like that back then in my childhood, simply knowing the world was much bigger then even they wanted to admit from somewhere inside of me...... So last week I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck when my mother shared with her old friends "Everyone is asking me how do I feel about God now that I had this stroke?" I waited with alarm in wondering to myself "Who is asking this???" I watched my mother's face for large were her eyes and her hand move as she spoke to her christian friends "I said that I dunno, it doesn't I guess God is still God and I am still alive. Although I hope if this happens again that I can just go to heaven and not come back to this couch." The ladies chuckled and nodded, I wondered to myself "Whose business is it to ask such a personal question? My mother's faith/belief  is of her own! Isn't it said that once you are saved always saved? Why would people ask what is God to my mother now when she is working so hard on just knowing how to move her hips?" My mind raced with questions to what is important, should we worry that a sudden life changing event would pull us away from God? Is God so easily removed that we can ask such deep personal things of each other in times of struggle? I am reminded once again how not being a Christian is by far more peaceful for me! OoooH Give me a hope, a love to let these questioning people who ask of my mother if she still believes in God the grace to not get pissed off at them for the invasion of privacy. I washed the dishes that evening wondering "Is nothing HOLY and is nothing scared? God doesn't just simply disappear if we stop believing, I wonder why it should even matter how my mother feels towards God....the question should be how are we living with glory God gave us in being simply alive?" My mother once told me (last year actually around this time) that God was everything to her, for she could sleep at night knowing God asked her to sacrifice worldly pleasures, wealth and even people to prove her faith in him all that much more. I simply replied back to her that God doesn't test us, we have free will to choose our life story. Last week I drove home realizing just how true it is, God doesn't need anything from us...we just are here living a life that CAN be for good or for bad or maybe for both?
What is God to you? I think We are ALL trying to figure that out, God is a very personal power to myself and the answer is actually endless if I tried to capture it with words.......

Board Games

For this christmas my teenaged brothers got my husband the board game "The Settlers of Catan". He was thrilled and had been asking me if I knew how to play because he really wanted to get this game. It was a really fun night after we opened gifts after a whole day of baking with my mom. My brothers; Derek, Daren, Douglas and Davis joined my husband and I over this board game for a few hours of playing. It was really fun and exciting to learn how to play this clearly loved game. (I hope to get good at it then surprise everyone by winning heehee) That night with all of us playing was a good start to a fun Christmas weekend! This is a fun board game if you haven't play it yet...I started out thinking I would gather so many sheep if someone would have to rolled the dice for 12 hmmmm and THAT only happens once an hour maybe......... hahahahaha!

Coffee Crazy Christmas

   When my husband and I were first married our jobs took up most of our focus and time. We would often arrive home at all odd hours grabbing food on the go or chilling inside a greasy spoon diner. Most often every night I worked till closing at the North end Boise Starbucks coffee shop. We were saving and spending to setup our new married lives. It was amazing how unprepared for Christmas in 2004 we were when I got off work late late that Christmas eve, I was both hungry and cold. Every place we usually hung out at was closed and our own kitchen was bare...So as it snowed outside that night we ate at the chain restaurant Sharis laughing at how crazy it all was! The next morning I had agreed to work, it was the only Starbucks in the treasure valley even open on Christmas day...when we arrived early for coffee before my shift started, my husband was in shock that the place was so packed out, even having a line of customers go around the outside of the building! "WHAT IS THIS?" He asked me as we parked. I giggled he continued "IS there a U2 Concert I didn't know about?" I soon realized I had no time for my own coffee before going to work. My co-workers were all sweating and our espresso machine broken down on one side, to say this was chaos is putting it nicely.....I heard yelling from the impatient customers and the phone ringing back in the office as I entered the scene. Our supervisor was crying hysterically hanging on to me in pure panic and I suddenly regretted having EVER said I would work on this morning. From the moment I clocked on to the second I locked the lobby doors, I never thought much about the time. I had replaced the supervisor who told me about all the drama up to the moment I took over the keys...then I raced around trying to catch up on the chaos, getting things fixed the best way I could and most importantly calming all the angry customers down. My husband had to leave quickly for the yelling customers made him so mad as they got in my face, I watched in awe as the need for coffee took away people's holiday cheer and this will always be remembered as the worst Christmas morning I ever encountered! I don't know why people are so mean to each other, even on Christmas morning when our machine broke the drinks were made at half the speed, the pastries all sold out and the line outside in the cold became so hostile. I ran up and down the lobby writing orders ahead of time, explaining the whole situation of our broken machine yet not very many people were nice about it. I was glad that I remained a smiling person even after being called so many things! Like a stupid bitch or an annoying idiot. I kept thinking to myself that this is the first real Christmas of my whole life, I had woken up from a fairy tale story of "peace on earth" to the commercialism of greed. Suddenly rude mean people are wanting 8 peppermint mochas all at once and right away! I somehow stayed afloat in the chaos and told myself not to start crying for I wouldn't stop if I did....it all made sense now why the other supervisor was flooded in fear. By the end of that day after I mopped the floors with shredded hair sticking out all over, in my sweat ring white collard shirt to the empty dirtiest store I had ever seen left behind by the mob. I stood there a changed person forever, suddenly aware of the horrid selfishness of the holiday. They don't write music for these moments of bad bad people getting away with crazy behavior.  I understood suddenly that I  was never going to be apart of that kind of insanity ever again. My Coffee Crazy Christmas taught me a life lesson, one that I have never forgotten.....Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean everyone will be loving or kind. And NEVER think that the person who is working or waiting on you is less human or less in anyway to yourself! I am ashamed of consuming America it is the action that kills the holiday spirit, missing the whole point to "God bless us, everyone!" I will always remember that Christmas when I knew from here on out sharing the Christmas spirit was a much bigger job then topping a mocha with whip cream!

Simply Beautiful!

Today my mother-in-law Jo Anne gave me a gift that will last a life time, Pictures to hang on my wall of my pets that have filled my heart and soul of who I am.....
I know that Mama Jojo is very talented with arts and crafts with general style and class in gifts. She loves perfect little bows on amazingly wrapped nicely Christmas gifts. This morning when I saw these fascinating pictures I almost cried with such joy in knowing THESE will come with me through out my whole life and it's not very often I think that about stuff....Life is so short, a dog's life is even shorter so to capture them in this way was a touching gift that Mom made! Having in-laws like I do, remembering back when I needed parents the most they were there! Mom knew this gift idea would be so loved by me, Of course now Mom said she has to add Minnie to our wall also hahahahahaha! I love these classic pictures of Oscar, Sidda and the cat Tinker belle, for They are AMAZING!!!
                                  MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

O Holy Time

It is the holiday again where Christmas opens a magical feeling every where! Last year's blog has me happy to recall and remember how I knew deep down that was going to be a classic memory the kind that you never want to leave or change. But time will carry it away nevertheless....Oh Holy Time when life seemed perfect because I chose to see it that way. I tell myself that kind of story often if the story makes me sad or upset I change it so I see the GOOD in the moment that might win over the bad....The truth is we are not in a perfect world so a perfect memory and a good story really helps us live easier. I am VERY ready for a new year, for a new start at life around us. Last year I kept feeling like everything was wonderful for I had talked honestly to my mother of all the reasons we didn't like coming over to her home for Christmas eve, one simple thing was when we go there no one greeted us or said "Thanks for driving so far out to join us." It really left us wondering if we were invited or just in the way. But after sharing that kind of info to my mother I saw her change becoming hospitable and out going when we showed up Christmas eve 2010. I wrote a blog about it actually in awe by how wonderful and loving that night was! The first in a decade actually that really felt like Christmas again. It made me wonder what the following Christmas would be like because I felt like something was changing. Now I see how much my questions are answered, how changed my mother is....How I am glad to have last year remembered and loved! So this is Christmas once again yet we are changed, once again nothing will be the same. Nothing except the spirit of the season and the joy in the music decorates our lives bringing a smile of the magic in Christmas!

No Yes, Yes No?

I use to say "No yes, Yes no?" Just in any ol' conversation and then chuckled by the look on the person's face. It is fascinating to me right now the power of the word NO. I am a YES person, I see my life as endless possibilities to learn anything or do whatever I want. I can live in a beautiful world just by walking the trails at the park or laying on the winter's cold grass looking up at the sunshine...yes I can. I can do anything in this life time, (I can even steal President Obama's campaign famous slogan YES WE CAN.) Singing, dancing and loving my life will not change because I am a YES person suddenly hearing NO all the time, like in my mother's cottage out on my childhood farm with the ghost of my grandparents around me, I heard the word NO a hundred times over. My brothers still living at home don't seem to know how to say NO without actually saying it, I can redirect my mother from what she can't do to something she can, without ever once saying "NO MOM!" at the top of my lungs. Quietness is very important to me, I think it also calms my mother as well. Dim lighting from the Christmas tree soft background holiday music and hot tea are the things that comfort us when we are sad and helpless. My mother is in a difficult time right now for she remembers how she use to do it all for Christmas, everything was taken care of by her. The woman was talented in making 4 things happen at once...like marshmallows crunch cookies to 4 different kinds of fudge and toffee. Her roasted almonds and hand made caramels filled her long kitchen table like a Candy shop! It was always laid out on display for snacking on Christmas day. My mother remembers it all in every detail but can't get up to race around her home and set it up like it once was. The word, that annoying word NO is what her own body tells her and she left upset by it all. Yesterday I held her side as she made gingerbread cookies but in letting her do it herself the batter became an unknown paste of oddness...I baked a test run only to decided we won't have gingerbread men this year. I finally had my mother calm down as I told her to slow her mind in demanding every recipe get made right then like she would have done. This isn't an easy holiday for her, it is a reminder that she is forever changed. "Momma why are you frowning?" I asked her knowing her frowns come from wanting to have a PERFECT Christmas when everything around us is far from perfection. She sighed "I am frowning because everyone is saying NO, no no no no....I hate the word NO!" I chuckled and nodded. She continued on sharing "Christmas gifts are now lost and no one will take me shopping to go get replacements!" I put my face against her soft neck and chin as I hugged on her explaining "This year, everything is different, we are all not sure what needs to get done first or how to setup Christmas like you always did...Next year we will be much better at it okay? let it go....let go of what you can not do this year." Mom sighed saying "It's not Christmas without gingerbread men cookies!" and I laughed for THAT batter was haunting me through out the whole day! it took almost an hour to scrape it out of the mixing bowl for whatever it was reminded me of heavy glue! Saying the word NO to my mother is like pulling a gun that trigger word for her, will bring along a fight. For she will NOT be told NO. Understanding that she hears that word over and over again from her worrying sons who watch over her, to her own body saying NO if she tries to move her left leg.....I hope I can help my family all understand there are ways around actually saying NO. can redirect mother's focus, I accidentally said no once without thinking to a sweater she wanted to buy and she is still bringing THAT up! Hahahaha my mother needs to have some control, the word NO takes her control away from her so she gets upset. I have decided not to be a NO person along time ago in my own personal life, now when I understand the answer is no for my mother I change the sentence to leave out NO adding maybe later or not right now... for that just sounds much more hopeful! This holiday season my mother needs all the hope she can find. She needs to hear "YES next year will be better and YES you have come along ways through your stroke...YES the Christmas goodies are made." 
It is hard to be a yes person in a family full of no, I am always going to be different to them so if they think I live among the fairies then let them wonder. A yes person will always know how a no person will respond. I am not there to change the their life story, I am just there because yes I can be. When I hear my mother shout out "Stop telling me NO!" from all the activities around her, I race into her lap so she can see my face up close as I say "Momma the most important thing is for you to be safe, so yes you can stand up but first you have ask for help and yes you have to know where your feet are." I wait watching her calm down again. I remind her of all things she can do and how magical this holiday will be for her in new home with all the help from friends and family. The word NO will not slip from my lips to my mother, I can see it has strong power as it fills the air around us and widens her eyes in alarm....I hope she will find her new life in among the goodness of the word Yes....maybe it starts with a simple smile of calmness in saying "Why yes it is Christmas and yes we all need a NEW year!"

The Artist

I could sit and watch my brother Dougie draw for hours, At the hospital he drew amazing detailed pictures while waiting on any news about our mother. Doug is the middle child of the last 3 kids still at home...he walks quietly and talks quietly. He smiles shyly and feels everything. On that scary day of our mother's stroke Doug hugged me while whispering "This is our Mommy...." then we cried.
Just a few weeks earlier Dougie and I shot each other a look while watching our mother said or do things that seemed odd to us both....but neither of us knew exactly what was up. Looking back it's easier to connect the dots of where we were heading, but I never thought this kind of event would happen so soon in our lives.....Dougie has this calmness in him that now after all these months later from our ER moments he likes sitting next to Mom saying nothing. So when he draws pictures shinning with the talent our mother gave him, and when he speaks I know he has thought it out carefully be for hand. I believe the day that Doug was born was saved our broken family at the time, now I see him calming the storms around him and fixing what is broken once again. When he draws things come to life and I know he will have a beautiful picture for his own life one day!

Basketball

Last Friday night I was excited to make it to the Greenleaf Idaho's high school again. This time instead of a Football game I went with my mother in her wheel chair to watch our boys play basketball. Both my 18 year old brother Daren and 16 year old brother Doug are on the team that our cousin Brandt is coaching. I really want my brothers to have extended family members in their lives, to know who these people I love so much are. During my mother's stroke this past summer I would tell my 3 young brothers that Aunt so and so sends her love or prayers they would just stare at me with a blank look even asking "WHO?" and I would sigh sadly wondering what kind of childhood did they have without a home full of cousins playing and aunts visiting? At the Basketball game I watch in hope for this is the joy they need in their lives now. Maybe this high school is the place they could discover their first kiss or just make a good friend for life....maybe? I wish them the very best in the outside world that has now entered their lives. As I watched the basketball game I realized I was cheering for them my "little" brothers in more ways then just one! When fear overcomes us, our lives stop growing...many people stop even moving all together. Even after a terrifying summer we all sit a bit closer to our mother knowing just having her here is beyond the outcome we were told. Now I watch as my brothers play basketball like the teenaged boys I have always wanted for them to be! Daren is my brother whose own strength is a mystery even to himself as he reminds me of a very strong thick tree towering above. He said that basketball was different and he wasn't any good. I reminded him after he gets to practice more he will pick it up just like the football he loves so much. On Friday night when Daren made a basket, I was so happy for him as his arms went straight up in the air running across the whole court! This was his big moment that I knew he needed to enjoy the sport more. When his arms came down from celebrating a player of the other team ran right into them and flipped! I was laughing so much even though I felt bad for the other kid laying on his back. Davey, my youngest brother sitting next to me leaned in asking "Was that on purpose?" and I shrugged while giggling for I had no idea as our brother Daren didn't even seem to notice, he was thrilled that he made the basket, for HE was playing basketball now!

Hot water, Cold water

I have enjoyed spending time with my mother so much this month, I have noticed how well she is getting around day by day. For when she is determined to move she will! I can see her frustration in not getting around as fast as she wants, but she is up out of her wheel chair when she has her cane and wants to go! and I told her THAT alone is a great accomplishment! Her little cottage is so beautiful, all new and cozy. I have been spending time around my 12 year old brother Davey quite a bit in helping mom and cooking. So when I said that hot water turns into ice cubs faster then cold water, Davey began to laugh and wonder how does THAT make sense. Then as I began to cook the frozen fish one afternoon I mention to him that cold water running will defrost faster then hot water. My brother began shaking his head in this confusion and we laughed for awhile over how those facts don't make sense...Hot water, Cold water, cooking and cleaning all my little info's on what I know seem make Davey stop to think about it. When my husband roasted up shredded pork in the kitchen I loved the wonder in my little brother's eyes. There is this huge big world full of wonderful things, great foods and places to see that is just waiting for him to embrace! I wonder if everything will still be interesting as he grows up, will he have a good good life? I hope so! I like to think something as funny to us in Mom's kitchen that cold water heats and hot water freezes will be just the beginning.....of all the beauty he will learn!

O Christmas Tree, Our Christmas Tree

This year we bought our tree from my Aunt Karen and her husband my Uncle Matt's gift store. They have such a big family with 8 children, I love how welcoming they are even to have additional company. For they share this kind of open arm love with everyone all the time! 
I really hope their local business takes off in Caldwell Idaho as well! So go check them out at  
The Bird Stop! 
Don't forget to buy your Christmas tree there! 
(Mine turned out so perfect and fun:-D)

It's a Miracle!

Over the last year now my husband's vitamin C powder has saved the day from being horrible when I get sick! I have many stories and I don't even get sick very often anymore....

I believe that if I didn't worry so much, I wouldn't be as sick as I have been in the last 7 months...mostly due to the high stress of the aftermath of my mother's stroke. I really believe that Vitamin C has saved me from long weeks of a horrid cold or flu bugs! I am not trying to promote vitamins on here today....I am just noticing it is the flu season and every tid bit for keeping good health is important. I think it's amazing that "Researchers" argue the miracle powers of the vitamin C.....Why not just do your own research about it so that if it works you are better off healthier or if it doesn't then keep on buying Nyquil. I love learning new things and researching stuff! For trying something out for yourself is a great way to know what is right for you, (instead of "ask your doctor what is right 

for you".....Hmmmmm settle hints are convincing, as we now have to ask our doctors instead of our own bodies....catchy business plans I do say)

I think it's a battle either way, I have been marked as an out spoken Hippy with my helpful vitamin knowledge already, and I don't care! Because I am not saying these things for credit or a "Save the day" merit badge. I share because it is part of my life, part of who I am. I am still reading up on knowledge and won't ever have arrived or finished learning something...this will keep me from being an "Expert" on health I realize and that isn't what I am trying to accomplish. I love my new interest in the miracle of Vitamin C right now my life is better for it! I am not sick in bed for days anymore! I have noticed within seconds of drinking my vitamin c powder I am getting better and nothing hangs on me over 24 hrs! 

THIS is worth sharing to the whole world! Doctor yourself before buying what your own Doctor wants to sale ya.....

Take vitamin C and enjoy the Miracle that brings you good health!

Seasons of LOVE

It is my favorite day of the whole week this month....FRIDAY. Because my husband takes the day off work to come along with me to help my mother and be around my brothers out on the farm. It makes the over an hour drive less stressful to laugh along listening to the radio and having my Tony with me! He has been amazing through out all these past 7 months since my mother's stroke and other family dramas. He will always be right next to me no matter what else this crazy life throws at us just as I know in my heart I will be for him! Life does change and things happened that leave us never the same again so if you can have a friendship willing to change also and stay steady in such storms then maybe that is how marriages can out last the cloud cover? I am not an expert and I am not a fortune teller so to say My sweet man and I will out last even the sunshine isn't really practical BUT I don't live in the practical place very often as I am a dreamer seeking the happy ending and the magical gift of everlasting strong growing LOVE. This is the holiday season of LOVE and I am both honored and happy to have my hubby accompany me to help out my father and just be with my mother during these adjusting difficult times for them, for us all actually.....LOVE will always win out over an angry face or a "Pay back/ you owe me" attitude. My parents don't owe me anything, I don't belong to them as well but however our lives unfolded in the past I can learn to let go of uncertain old memories with living with love in THIS moment and the help of those who fill my life right now I can shine and I can give with no strings attached! 
Today is another one of those early mornings get ready and go! Only I don't go alone....I have so much LOVE always with me to keep me safe and warm, I have my husband and best friend who never gives up on my family's craziness because he says I am still worth it! I love him so much and sharing my life with all our seasons of LOVE together makes moments like this PERFECT!

"Measure your life in LOVE...."

 

Goodbye to Rose

When my father-in-law Kelly called me to ask if I knew anything about Rose dying from Bedlam Farm this morning, I realized suddenly why I had not been reading Jon Katz blog every morning like I usually do.....not since Thursday December 8th.....weird, I got a sad feeling that day and didn't return to the blog like I felt something is happening to Rose. I couldn't bare the idea of this dog dying for she has almost mystical powers to understand her role in life and her job to do......I simply LOVED her...Love her even now as she is a spirit with the stars. I am sad today because I miss her, I am still glad Dad called me to let me know about Rose. I recap the bedlam Farm blog quickly to  follow the deep tears down my face.
I wanted to hide away from reading about her passing and never make it a reality, yet I had to read about what Jon was sharing for with Rose he always felt safe on his farm. I like that kind of safety and comfort too.....Our Rose in a Storm, in the sun light and in our books has left us all admiring her years and the good good life that she gave us readers and her owners!
Goodbye to ROSE for we hug her heart shape face close to our tearful smile that she brings us! 

Bedlam farm

YIKES

Well yesterday I missed my posting time...I was helping my mother all day and so I got to working hard and organizing her things in her kitchen, helping her make list of things she wants to do before Christmas...Mom made fudge and taco shells for dinner as I cut up all the fixings. It was a warm afternoon with no wind so I took her and my youngest brother Davey to the grocery store in Homedale Idaho. It has been years since I was in that place! Then we swung into Frosty Palace because I was amazed it is STILL in business! Then we took our fried chicken, milkshakes and ice cream to the park next door. We sat out there maybe a half hour but the sun was right on us and everything felt like so much fun! Davey kept asking me if I realized it was WINTER not summer....But doing a summer like thing in winter makes it all that more refreshing I explained. Although later on last night I got super sick because I never eat ice cream anymore or anything sugary actually, so my body felt like it was under attack.....when I went down the list of everything I had eaten yesterday I realized most everything is on my "Do not eat" list. YIKES! No wonder I feel like a truck hit me this morning and I forgot all about my blog for yesterday.....Time to get back on my no gluten, no sugar and more resting life style. Stay healthy out there...keep on taking the miracle vitamin C to heal quickly!

To The Lights

When I first drove my husband around to look at Christmas lights decorating beautiful homes, he thought I was very odd in saying this kind of thing would be super FUN and then after our first drive he was hooked! He loved our cups of hot chocolate and the fuzzy blankets I brought in the car. How holiday music played while I drove slowly by magical wonderlands of Christmas lights and displays! Now every year he asks to go weekly and we sometimes find a spot to park while listening to the music that coordinates with the house display, We always claps at the end and cheer even though it's just our dog Oscar in the back seat looking around for something to bark at in the dark.....Now this year we have 2 extra dogs and it still feels cozy and right! To celebrate Christmas by viewing and honoring all those who display artistically the twinkling magical of the season!

To The Trees

The Christmas I remembered that we had a very small tree, was a year when everything was a bit stressful on my parents. Although every Christmas was something they agreed easily over, They really went crazy celebrating together with shopping lists and decorating. I loved how my father hid his gifts so no one knew anything about them, not even if they were for other people. he honestly got mad if we shared what we were getting each other. My mother made everything match from her country style tree with ordainment apples and baby's breath poking out among the branches. To her farm fabric ribbons and matching paper. I will always like how Christmas brought us together even when it was stressful and strained financially.

"That tree is way to small!" I exclaimed when we walked the rows of fresh ever green trees in the parking lot of K mart. My father replied "It's fine, we will put it on the table so you will think it's big." I rolled my eyes saying "Daaaaadddyyy." as I always did when I knew he was being silly. Mom let us kids decorate the small tree while singing Christmas songs all on our own. We thought we were so grown up to do it without any help. Although the decor ended up being lopsided on the tree we were still so very proud! It was the first time I realized that the size of the tree doesn't matter for when you love it, you can see it still shines!

To The Rescue

I didn't learn to swim until I was 10 years old, but I loved swimming pools and splashing in the cool water on a hot summer day. I wanted to swim so much but I struggled with such terror of drowning, for when I was 8 years old  knowledge of how drowning feels stayed with me....

Our mother was excited to get my sister and I into swimming lessons, she said we will see how this first day goes then maybe we will start taking lessons at this big bright pool. There were some friends of my mother that recommended this place. My sister Dana and I got in the pool quickly with girls our own ages and I liked how clear the water looked. Then I noticed there wasn't a floating rope to divide the deep end from the shallow. I thought to myself "WOW a whole pool in only 3 feet of water! This will be fun! I can walk to the other side...." My sister and I went with our new friends as they took off swimming across the pool, only Dana and I were walking along in the water when our feet suddenly took us under. I couldn't touch the floor of the pool anymore and my mouth filled with water as I caught by surprise! Then I began to panic thrashing my arms and legs under water until I reached the pool wall with my terrified finger tips I scraped the edge of the pool bring myself up for air and wanting to scream only to find my lungs burned with water hitting inside me. I saw my sister still out there thrashing to get out of the deep end and so I reach out to grab her. When she grabbed my arm I was once again surprised if not totally shocked that she could pull me back out among the heavy groundless water. Then She climbed up on me in her true panic state of drowning, I remember how painful it was to get clawed by her and then have her feet kicking into my head and shoulders as she climbed up on me. Since I couldn't swim, I couldn't carry her back to the wall I had once touch briefly. I suddenly didn't know which way the wall was now under my sister's grasp. I do remember how dark the water look down there and how I couldn't move like I wanted, I had no power not even in breathing this all terrified me then I slid to the top of the water only for a moment to say "HELP!" it sounded more like "GULP!" My mother in her bright red Hawaiian silk shirt and brown slacks was on the run from clear across the pool where she had been standing with her back towards us talking to some ladies, then by alarm I saw her drop her cherry coke can and leap across the whole pool fully dress even with her slip on shoes. She gracefully glided to us with her arms wide open and the water splashing up to her shoulders as she stood letting us cry into her wet ends of her beautiful brown curly hair. She had saved us from drowning, my sister and I cried heavily once we were able to breath again. The whole group of life guards and swimming teachers came from all around the big pool to help my mother out. Although when I looked around at every kid there starring at us, I was the most embarrassed of my whole life! I suddenly couldn't let go of my mother at all either, even though she kept telling me that everything was okay now. Drowning became my biggest fear after all of that, my father explained to me that next time when something like that happens I should call for help and not try to rescue my sister all on my own like that. My mother said no one was paying attention at the very moment we girls went under, it was just by a sideways glance did she see our arms waving from way under water.....she decided that was not a safe place to take swimming lessons after all. Mom chuckled while telling our father what had happened saying "Every single adult there came to apologized for not paying attention, as if that makes me feel any better.....I will NOT go back there and leave my girls in their care." My mom stayed through the swimming lesson after all of that watching over us and skeptically viewing the life guards. I never wanted to get back in the water either, (It was going to be a few more years after this event to help me trust the water again.) So as I was in my swimming lesson I kept my eyes on my mother the whole time, she sat there dripping wet from head to SHOE. I knew that I would never forget her soft arms and curvy chest when she rescued us from drowning....

The long Highway

Yesterday my husband and I spent the whole day out on my parents farm, so I could help my mother move around. I have 3 teenaged brothers still living at home as well so getting the houses cleaned up and cared for makes the whole place feel more cozy for the cold winter season ahead. My husband is a great cook with many creative ideas for meals, he setup a crock pot and grilled ribs. We even watched movies over hot tea, my mother seemed to relax and rest nicely while we were there. She even walked through the kitchen to see the what was cooking. She said happily "I love that someone knows what they are doing, it smells so GOOD! I just can't wait for dinner time!" Mom really looked happy at the meals coming together. For I setup food cooking in both kitchens from the main house to the cottage across the yard, so where ever you went the aroma of food greeted you at the door!
I think good cozy foods on cold winter days really help comfort with any sadness or depression that can easily fill our minds....Mom walks with her cane as long as someone can support her left side. She had her friend Terri come visit and I served more hot tea. I like when Mom has company, she is full of stories to share with friends and I can tell it cheers her up. When I drove my brothers to their basketball practice later on that afternoon I drove down a familiar long highway, suddenly struck by a memory of almost 30 years ago.........


The sun light was pouring into the car, the red interior was both soft and hot. I woke up from my pile of blankets to see my mother driving up a long stretch of highway. "Debby look over there, way up the hill there's Grandpa's house! We are almost there!" She exclaimed as she pointed with hand out the window. I looked but wasn't sure what I was looking for....I remember my bare feet touched a leather section of the seat and I jumped back standing all the way up. (For these were the days before the seat belt laws) I moved around freely. I remember watching my mother intensely with her curly dark hair and long slim fingers as she pointed towards her parents farms, her childhood home. I could tell she was really excited, really happy so I began to pay attention. We had been in the car for 8 hours now, I didn't understand where we were going but I watched as that long stretch of highway looked endless in the warm sun shine. My mother kept smiling as she was driving, I asked "Where are we going?" I was still very confused just waking up in the moving car. Mom in her thin plaid shirt and jeans began moving around in the car like she couldn't wait to jump out of it replied back "We are going HOME!" I liked how she smiled, how she shined in the sun light.....
I drove that same stretch of road yesterday with this memory lingering, thinking to myself how life never stays the same yet the warmth of the sun light fills the moving car on that long highway. 
 

A Book Review, "Out of the Shadows" by Jon Katz

 When I first started  following Jon's blog at Bedlam Farms, I was touched by his approach to be so open and honest. He shares his life in a personal way that I realized I could start my own blog someday with a similar approach.  I fell in love with his four dogs knowing i could love that life, on the farm in peaceful nature to write away my days.... Then there was a picture of Lenore the black lab....She is truly captivating,a BEAUTIFUL dog! I loved Jon Katz stories of Izzy and Rose but the sweet simple face of Lenore made me think of LOVE. In this rare book that is no longer in print, Jon shares openly about his depression and dark clouds storming into his life. I read this book all the time when I am struggling in pain, in sorrow and in living with so many memories that feel like I'm going crazy at times this book will calm me and set me down to this very moment again. It's a spiritual book full of hope in the pictures of calmness and love. There is a sadness that Jon writes about I can feel it and know it to be just as real as breathing. Hope, love and joy come to us in many different forms among some of the darkest days of our lives. I have walked in such times and felt the horror in living, in hating and in struggling with anger. I like this book because it's own title lets us know we can move out of the shadows, we are not stuck in them without choice....I highly recommend this book, I think it has helped me be healed just by holding the pages of animals faces and season changes. His honesty, his painful journey reminds me when I read this we are never alone and writing about feeling like that, all alone and dark.... helps! This book is one that stands alone, Reading in with tears down my cheeks I have seen myself surrounded by shadows only to notice the sun light all that much more! Every time the book ends I think of how much I love it and how I hope to have the courage to write in such truth like him one day.....

Words of the song, "Elevation" by U2

High, higher than the sun
You shoot me from a gun
I need you to elevate me here
At the corner of your lips
As the orbit of your hips
Eclipse

You elevate my soul
I've lost all self-control
Been living like a mole
Now, going down, excavation
I and I into the sky
You make me feel like I can fly so high
Elevation

A star lit up like a cigar
Strung out like a guitar
Maybe you can educate my mind
Explain all these controls
Can't sing but I've got soul
The goal is elevation

A mole living in a hole
Digging up my soul
Going down, excavation
I and I into the sky
You make me feel like I can fly so high
Elevation

Love, lift me out of these blues
Won't you tell me something true
I believe in you

A mole living in a hole
Digging up my soul
Going down, excavation
I and I in the sky
You make me feel like I can fly so high
Elevation
Elevation
Elevation

Lattes

When I have to get up early I love the therapeutic way I can wake up by making a latte:-) I will spending this day helping my mom out in her cottage. So getting up early is the only way to be on time, I get my dogs off to Teresa so they aren't stuck in their crates or outside all day. It is wonderfully helpful for me to have dog lovers like Dad and Teresa in the family! 
My mom has many projects to get done, like things I LOVE doing organizing, cleaning and moving into her handicap kitchen. This latte moment is peaceful giving me warmth and coziness before the hour drive out there....I think I should share some pictures of beautiful lattes and bring you a smile this early cold winter's mornings! 
Happy Coffee time everyone!!!

Makeover Minnie

One week ago today I took in my sister's stray dog, Meemee. My sister explained to me how much she hated this dog, and she had a few crazy stories of Memee that I didn't like how misunderstood this dog was. My sister is burning her life's candle from both ends, extremely busy with her kids, her home and hubby, along with her job and care over our mother. The fact her husband brought home a stray dog wasn't the right timing for her life for extra love on a stinky matted oil covered dog.
"What the hell have I done?" I asked myself as she began peeing when Meemee saw me at the very first time, she looked terrified and when I walked her through the neighborhood I asked myself how did this all happen? How can I care for a 3rd dog right now? She looked like an old old dog with poo caked into her butt, and heavy dark stiff fur. Her cracked paws and blood shot eyes proved she lived a hard life so far. I began to love her instantly knowing I don't care how she use to live or how she was treated. She is now in my hands full of calming safety and unconditional love. "What I have done, is bring you into my heart, today you are named Minnie. You are re-born into comfort. Lets make a deal that you don't bite my other dogs or cat and we will be good friends." She titled her head as I said this to her just before she met the other pets of my home. Since that was a week ago she has honored my words by not challenging or showing any aggression! What an amazingly sweet girl she is! JUST like Minnie Mouse she gives lovingly to everyone she meets! Her make over was wonderful after a whole day at the doggie spa with lavender scented oils and all day care, she calmed down feeling much better. Vanessa at Green dog Grooming in Eagle Idaho helped me out tremendously! I would recommend her grooming to ANYONE, her personal touch, calmness and natural healing in understanding dogs gave me a new start with Minnie. If I can find Minnie a good good home that would be a true fairy tale story from rags to riches. But if she ends up be coming part of my pack, she will be a treasured member forever!

just ONE WEEK AGO......Meemee became Minnie, Minnie became a happy healthier cockier spaniel in her total makeover!