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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Stanley, Idaho

My second Mother-in-law Teresa and I JUST got back from our girlie retreat! We enjoyed a whole day in Stanley, I am amazingly refreshed! What a perfect girlie time we had too! With glasses of wine and hot tub soaking this morning looking out on to the sawtooth mountains! Our big hike was an adventure as we were cut off by the overflowing water from the rivers and creeks on our way to see Elk Meadow. Stanley is a very small town, we were lucky to find a place open for dinner after our spa treatments last night! I also loved my cozy pink rose room while we sat viewing the most amazingly clear majestic mountains....Idaho is truly a beautiful state full of nature's best scenic past times...sigh, it was beautiful!
On our hike along the steady trail we saw wild strawberries, all kinds of insects, freshly smelling pine trees while we looked out over the valley below with flooding waters. We even got rained on for a while but it was a nice summer time rain that left us feeling refreshed. As soon as we got back to our rooms the sun came out shinning over the green pastures with cows grazing out under the shadows of those high mountains......It was a view I couldn't stop looking at!
On our drive up there we noticed so many butterflies and big white water rapids coming down the mountain side. I LOVE having such a great friend like Teresa who invited me away for this spa day, the whole trip was perfect! I feel truly ready to get back to life as usual, especially with some unfinished packing to do:-}
Thanks for a lovely time Teresa, for I love having you in the family!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Matrix

Jason was like the brother I never had, Now I had many brothers but not like my best friend's brother Jason. He didn't talk to me like I was an idiot like my own brother would. Jason didn't judge, scold, or preach at me. Those kind of traits were why I avoided my own family quite often and so when I was 19 years old, Joanie and I were always together, always looking out for each other and her brother Jason often joined us for a movie or some after church outing. Joanie would get easily annoyed whenever I included Jason to our plans. I would smirk back at her "How about we swap brothers and then you can get back to me about how much nicer your brother is!" Joanie would pause to think about what I said and then nod in agreement for she had already been in many fights with my own brother, they honestly hated each other. I knew I was fortunate be friends with both Joanie and Jason. The 3 of us went to the movies one Sunday afternoon as usual  I followed them along blindly not knowing anything about what we were going to see, but I noticed how excited Jason was as he bought the tickets and I shared my bowl of popcorn watching him tell me it was the greatest new film. We saw the popular sci-fi movie "The Matrix". I was startled by the craziness of the story! I even hid my eyes a few times against Joanie's shoulder, who hissed back at me "You are embarrassing me!" I often did react out loud and boldly. Whenever Joanie took off to hide from me in public then I knew she was honestly embarrassed. While watching the movie Jason would exclaim "Coool!", or  "Whoa! AWESOME!" and I would just stare at the big screen of the movie. Over lunch after that movie Jason explained the whole story plot to me since I was truly bewildered. Jason stopped eating to look at the window asking out loud "What if this world is just one level of everyone dreaming? What if this movie IS the truth about us being puppets?" I snorted while drinking my coke and looked out the window to see what he was starring off at...I mumbled "I have never asked questions like THAT before!"  Suddenly Joanie whacked me with her napkin to get us to stop starring out the restaurant window. "YOU BOTH are now embarrassing me!" She exclaimed looking around worriedly, as we let out a loud laugh together.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Benny and Me

I was THRILLED to see my dearest friend Benny every morning while she visited B-town! Since she moved away I realize how much we use to do everything together. Also how good it is to have AWESOME friends! I love that Girl so much, I know that I'm truly lucky to have her in my life!  There is something very special about having someone knows who you are now and where you came from over the last 15 years or so. I like that I don't have to explain anything to Benny for she already knows my history because she was there along side me the whole time!
Benny and I met for a beer the other night just like all the years before....(some of our greatest talks come about as we are relaxing on a patio over a frosty mug, in the summer evening heat.) Benny Girl said the reason we have always stayed in touch through the years is because we both make an effort to meet up and take time for each other. I can't help but be proud of that fact! Each morning through out her week in Boise, we met up for coffee and knitting, we relaxed downtown in a cute cozy coffee shop of a quiet peaceful atmosphere! That was such a great time, we laughed and chatted as I clearly could see how lacking my knitting ability is, Thankgoodness Benny could teach me and help me out! I enjoyed going with her to visit family members in the VA hospital and loved when she join me for lunch with my mom. The whole week flew by so fast as we got to see a "Chick flick' movie, stay out late and setup a BBQ in the park! We felt like kids in summer camp getting to do a list of fun things every day together!!! Most importantly what I enjoyed the most was starting out each morning for a few hours knitting and laughing.

Benny pulled out her binder of knitting collections, I was is in awe by it as I said "Wow you have made lots of things! Is it hard?" She smiled and shook her head "Not really once you get the difference down between knitting and pearling, with a bit more practice you could make these things too." I was inspired to think maybe I really could! Seeing Benny so happy and loving life was also inspiring as we laughed, talked and drank our beverages looking out over a brand new summer day! Benny was truly excited to see our new home as we will be moving soon....I realized as I watched her talk about all the fun we will have when she visits again......that a good, kind, trusting friend is nothing to take for granted!

 <3Thank you Benny Girl for always being there for me<3

Monday, June 27, 2011

Words of the song,"Miracle Drug" By U2

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call

Do you feel anything at all
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent

Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes

I see them when you smile
I've seen enough, I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart

There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit

I am you and you are mine

Love makes nonsense of space
And time will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love

The songs are in your eyes

I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle drug, a miracle drug
A miracle drug

Oh God, I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise

Below the din
I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
I was a stranger
You took me in

The songs are in your eyes

I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle drug, for a miracle drug
Miracle, miracle drug

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Crowding Neighbors

My husband will tell you that he has no doubt about his neighbors because I will befriend them in an easy hour. I do chat it up naturally with strangers, I get to know them quite quickly just by being outside. If I am racking the pine needles or weeding the flower bed I say "HELLO!" Happily to my passing by neighbors. While my husband may keep his head down and keep walking to our condo passing neighbors with just a wave or nod, I trail behind smiling big and asking "How is your mom doing? She still in the hospital?" My husband shots me a confused frown and I chuckle as my neighbor gets me updated on their lives. I LOVE my ability to visit and remember the details of other people's lives....In all honesty I have been this way my whole life! In my "church Days" I could practice these skills every Sunday remember what everyone said last week about their lives. I honestly love people, I give them the benefit of the doubt to be good at first acquaintance. Now that doesn't mean I wouldn't get burned, used or just means that I am not afraid to at least try! If the risk is they spit in my face then I will take it bravely because the reward is FAR greater when you make a new friend! These years of condo living has become natural for me to know everyone and everything that is going on. I like being informed and so when my husband asks "WHO was that?!?" as a big scary guy walks by our sliding glass door, I glance up saying "Oh that is Linda's nephew he is visiting this week." Then there is nothing to worry about. The other day I stood outside by the lilac bushes with my dogs as our neighbors gathered to visit me and I LOVED it! There was about 6 of us when it was all said and done, the new neighbors upstairs from us came out to talk with the group. I said that over the last 7 years this condo building has been fairly peaceful with good calm people living here. That VERY SAME night those neighbors were arrested at 2am in front of our open bedroom window for domestic violence...I got up after being scared awake by their screaming and my growling warning pups. I checked another day off my "count down chart" for when we can move away next month! 
Sometimes having neighbors so close by IS NOT a GOOD thing after all.....

Saturday, June 25, 2011


I am often reminded that moving isn't always considered FUN to some people, but I truly, honestly,  really LOVE IT! I love the open boxes waiting to be filled with things. I love the cleaning, the packing and well just EVERYTHING about moving! Perhaps if I  ever move often enough then I could develop some complaints....Maybe. BUT it has been 7 years since I have actually moved and it is going to  be AWESOME! 

I feel like moving is completely refreshing! With a clean new place to move into and organizational opportunities in every corner and also in leaving a spotless place behind.....I am IN MY ZONE, happily getting to deep clean too! It is a great natural high getting ready to move and THAT is exactly what I will be doing the rest of this month! 
Now I know that I have such a romantic view of it all....Moving is just a part of the wonders of change!

Friday, June 24, 2011

My Second Dog

  It has been a desire over this last winter season to own another dog. I have been realizing my mini-schnauzer of the last four years Oscar,  has become very lazy. He hates water of any kind, even when his beloved Frisbee lands in a mud puddle... he will NOT go get it. I love how easy it is to make him tired by playing ball or Frisbee! How He also sticks to the shaded parts of the park on a hot summer day. BUT I knew deep inside of me that I have a calling to give a home to more dogs in the future, to love many many more animals in my upcoming life time. These days with Oscar have been WONDERFUL, even those long late nights when accidentally he gets sick or when we got stuck on the 14th floor of a hotel waiting for an elevator to arrive while he whined and warned me it was to long await for his much needed morning pee time so we better hurry! I love EVERYTHING about Oscar! Currently my life isn't where I want it to be for a new bigger dog or a Lab Puppy, I came so close in getting one this spring...(Maybe because of Lenore, Jon Katz's black lab. The dog of unconditional love) I knew we would be moving this summer so naturally we could offer another dog a home with more room. I was amazed to hear that a little girl dog needed a home a few weeks ago. She is well trained and very very KIND! I didn't even give it a second thought nor did I have any doubt that she was meant to live with us! Since her previous owner had a baby now, Sidney needed a new home and a bit more attention. Simply perfect for me who loves giving attention to all my pets! Sidda has been sleeping so sweetly on my pillow or in the curve of my shoulder. She likes my husband but really LOVES me! She plays happily with Oscar and gives the cat extra space. How did I get so lucky with a perfect second dog??? She is truly adorable with her big loyal eyes and tiny soft paws......It will be wonderful, truly completely magical to soon give her and Oscar a big backyard oasis in our new home! Bring on the new adventure:-)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Few of my Hated Things

   I thought I should  also add the things I hate, It is important to know that I purposely choose to be positive thinking more on what I love instead of what I hate....I am not stupidly happy all the time, I know and clearly understand how imperfect the world is and how difficult we are in getting along with each other quite often. I choose willingly and confidently to be optimistic in everything! To cry freely when  things are sad and to get mad when the situation calls for my protection to those I love. I think sometimes people worry about me when they don't see the magical perfection that I describe....I have "bad" days too, I can be in a bad mood just as easily as a good one. I think about what I think is a bad day really isn't so bad in comparison to say being in a car accident or hitting a dog while driving. If I consider the worse things out there my attitude will improve instantly, I choose to remember life is way to short to hate something for long:-D

1. I hate the religious setup that men are the so called "Head of a Household", That women are considered "The lesser sex" THIS gets my blood boiling instantly!!!

2. I hate Dog fighting, I personally think it should be consider an equal offense to murdering a human.

3. I dislike all rude people, but I think when we are rude that people should be brave enough to correct us. We should hold each other up in mutual respect.

4. I hate ANY animal cruelty!

5. I get annoyed by any and all manipulation...Just say what you want out right and own it.

6. I do not like dishonesty, lying and denial for those traits makes me not trust that person.

7. I wish I could protect all the children of the world....for they are just trying survive and if possible childhood could be the most magical time!

8. I hate any and all Wars, living in this great nation we should be  peacefully making the world a better place, not just taking what we need....

9. ....Which reminds me that I HATE greed!!!

10. I hate how hard people have to work in order to make a living in this wealthy country.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Few of my Favorite Things

When I think of the things I love and enjoy the list keeps growing!
How wonderful life truly is!!! 
Why don't we always keep a list of our favorite things when we get to feeling down? I think it helps to be reminded of what we love:-)

1. I love dressing up! Either in a costume or going out, I truly enjoy all things lacy and girlie.

2. Give me a room full of dogs and watch me smile bigger then ever before! For I will lay on the floor with my arms open no matter what I am wearing as I get covered by dogs! For I have discovered peaceful JOY!

3. I love the smell of summer mornings, that simple scent of the earth!

4. I love that fire pit smell after a late night sitting under the clear starry night and visiting!

5. I love watching my cat try to get her toy out from under the chair, she kicks her fat furry legs out as I walk by laughing!

6. I enjoy full deep tissue massages, the realization that my whole body is connected to each part and everything needs to be reminded of daily healthy maintenance.

7. Nothing beats a really good tasty steak, especially with a glass of red wine! (That is one of my favorite meals) also Sushi and BBQ ribs, fresh salads, big hamburgers with grilled pineapple, zucchini grilled sticks and roasted onions with crispy bacon, also pork chops with this spicy plum sauce. a shredded roast with a juicy bite and steamed carrots AND...well ...FOOD in general is WONDERFUL!

8. Being outside as much as possible is with out a doubt one of my most favorite things!

9. Organizing ANYTHING, like storage or is fun to see how everything can get cleaned up and improved by organizing!

10. I have a favorite thing about myself, my creative positive attitude, I hope that it always stays strong and adds more things to the favorite things in my life!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Words of the song, "Walk On" by U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been

A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks

You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one

Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches and your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate

Monday, June 20, 2011

"Here's Johnny!"

We were always put to bed at the very same time every night as kids, usually most evenings were spent with our mom cooking dinner and our father watching TV. We would eat dinner, take a bath and play in the toy room while we wore our Pajamas. Our mother would be washing dishes or cleaning the bathroom while our father watched the News. By the time we were in bed I would lay wide awake thinking over every detail of that day. I would lay there asking myself why did this or that happen and what does it all mean? I would play back everything in my mind for a long time after we had been put to bed. Then I would know what time it was by the sound of the TV programs where my father sat in his green chair. I LOVED the music of the "Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" It was fun to mouth along from my bed "Hhhhhhhhere's Johnny!" (These were the days back in the 1980s, when most everyone watched the same TV programing at the same time.) As a little kid I knew the whole dialogue to the Johnny Carson show simply by listening from my bed down the hall. I pictured a very young man looking very tall at the sound of his voice and I would wonder why everyone on the show was always laughing. Even when my father laughed from his chair... I would think about what was so funny? When I would recite back the next day to my father what was on the Johnny Carson show he asked if I was getting out of bed to watch TV. I said casually "Oh No, I am just listening and remembering everything from my bed." He shot me a startled look. I couldn't help but remember his sudden look, I wonder if maybe he realized I was such an odd child for the first time.
 (Years later when I actually saw Johnny Carson on TV I knew him by the sound of his voice, I was shocked that he didn't look ANYTHING like I had pictured....YET He was a classic to always remember!)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Hot Wire

The scream that I heard caught me by surprise, it made me burst out crying in that wet cow pasture on that mid summer's day, I was 9 years old and it was my own screaming that I had heard, it left me suddenly shaken. My father had been roofing the little white cottage of a friend on this farm. I saw him out of the corner of my eye across that huge muddy field as he ran towards me, he had jumped from the roof in the very instant my first scream had reached his ears. He flew off the latter like I was on fire and he didn't hesitate! The truth was that I DID think I was burning alive! For it was the very first time I had ever accidentally touched a hot wire fence. My father ran like his life depended on it and in what felt like seconds from my first startling discovery of this burning pain that shot up my leg, he was there holding me! What had happened was my bare foot had landed directly onto powerful current hot wire as I was trying to step over the fence from wooden step. I had screamed without thinking by the sudden pain, if we kids screamed we often got in trouble because my father would become alarmed then mad that we were just playing. So I was instantly afraid that my screaming and crying I would get me into bigger trouble when my father had reached me. Yet He didn't scold me or yell at me for scaring him when he reached me as I was overwhelmed in tears. I stood shaking terrified then confused by that hot wire's power. Then I was completely embarrassed as the group of kids on the other side of the fence came to see if I was okay too. My father was followed by my mother across that field, He didn't say I was stupid for doing that instead he just held me and hid me from everyone else watching. That sweaty white t-shirt of his and his shaggy messy red hair gave way to his kind smile as he said everyone has an encounter with a hot wire at one point in their life. He kept hugging me as he explained it is good for me to remember this for next time. When he asked if I still wanted to go swimming with the rest of the group and then he lifted me over the fence with his strong arms so I didn't get shocked again. I paddled around in the ditch water on my own thinking about how all that had just happen and why, I had never seen my father run so fast like that before. It was even more memorable to have him reach me not angry, not yelling or being upset. Instead he reached me in compassion and understanding of why I had screamed and why I was crying uncontrollably.....He didn't make a big deal out of it all and told the other kids to be nice to me. I was very impress and I knew I would never forget this hot summer afternoon. At least I never ever touched a hot wire fence EVER again!

Saturday, June 18, 2011


My father was carrying me out into the cold winter's night from our church, I can only remember being little I don't know how old I actually was, Dad carried me in his arms out into the cold. With the glow of the parking lot light hung over us. My mother was talking to friends as we all walked outside from the warm building. Dad suddenly held out his tongue to the big snow flakes falling down, I thought he looked funny as he said "Catch a snowflake like this Debby!" I leaned out from his arms as we walk and tilted my head up with my tongue hanging out. We were in a small logging town smelling like evergreen trees and cut fresh lumber. I was surprised by the fact once the snow hit my mouth it was gone! "Where'd it go?" I asked and everyone laughed out loud. My mother checked my jacket to make sure it was zipped up and frowned at my father saying "She shouldn't do that, this snow is dirty." Dad just shrugged making a funny face at me as he smiled, then he excitedly said "Let's do that again! quick! Look! some more snow flakes!" and we raced around the parking lot as he carried me with our tongues sticking out catching the magical floating snow and laughing!

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Old fashion Airport

It is hard to remember sometimes just how easy it was to hang out in an Airport during the 1980s. THIS was one of my father's favorite past time if he had to babysit all 3 of us kids without our mother then he often took us to the airport. The Boise Airport was the biggest in the whole state and yet small enough to walk the whole length of it on a Sunday afternoon. I remember my Dad carrying a Styrofoam cup of coffee as my brother and sister ran with me up the rows of empty seats in the wide open airport. We wander around looking for airplanes landing or coming in.  As soon as our father spotted one he would call out to us and we would all rush to smash our faces up against the big huge windows as a plane touched down! It was exciting to see! I loved learning all about how airplanes worked. Dad always explained everything about airports to us, I remember those events as hardly ever having many people around too!  "Can we ride on one?" I asked one time and my father shook his head in his reply he said that maybe someday but we didn't have any place to go for now. I was startled once watching 2 women burst out crying at the sight of each other, I looked worriedly at my father who smiled and rolled his eyes. "They are okay, they are just happy to see each other." He explained thoughtfully, but I wasn't so sure for they were REALLY sobbing into each others arms. On those airport afternoons looking back I think to myself it was so much fun in a very relaxing way, (of course we thought at the time that they were a bit more boring) For if there wasn't any planes landing then we just walked in circles. I guess what we had in that kind of freedom was taken for granted, That open empty airport days...... for what we got to see without even a "bordering pass" was truly magical and even educational. One time a flight attendant gave us winged pints to stick on our shirts and I thought that was super cool! As a kid I knew the layout of the Boise Airport so well that I didn't have to read anything to find my own way around.

I was waiting in front of a solid color door, our mom had dragged us by the arm running fast down the airport hallway. She was panicked and frustrated pulling on our arms and pushing us into line and I didn't know why exactly. We had been at the wrong gate for awhile, I had discovered by the way our mother ran to the opposite side of the airport that something was exciting her. Our father had taken an out of state temporary job so all I really knew was that suddenly he was gone. I remember it because I saw my mother really cry for the first time, it scared me actually that she was crying suddenly all the time! I think she struggled on her own with 3 small kids. I can still remember standing right in front of that door at the end of the airport. I was  wondering what was going on while I watched my mother rub her forehead like she had a headache after all our running around, my brother and sister pushed on each other to get in the front of the line when suddenly the door swung open! We squealed in unison "DAAAAADDDDDDDDDY!" and threw our small selves into his wide open arms, along with His big grin and dark shaded glasses. He happily hugged us! I remember his sunburn skin as he held all three of us at once. How many months was he gone?  I realized I had actually simply forgot about him through out my day until our mom would cry. I will never forget when she fell to the kitchen floor sobbing so hard and squealed out that she missed our father. Then suddenly I would wonder why was he gone? As I sat on the floor with her...It was hard for me to understand what was happening. The sudden fact our father was there again and our mother was happy too made me hang on him through out our walk back to the car. I loved that Dad gave us kids gifts too, I wore my blue sun visor with white hearts very proudly as we left the Boise airport.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

HOME, this is my home...

HOME, this is my home! 
I was flipping through the pages of possible renting places, when I found this house and knew that I loved it. We had already been on some crazy adventures this month looking for a home. One house made me dizzy because it was right next to a busy crowded street where four lanes of cars flew past the living room windows in this rhythmic motion. Another place I thought it was a cute cottage for rent only to find out it was the basement for rent instead.... 
"WELL this was NOT going to be easy!" I said to my husband Tony, who agreed but he also said that we would find what we needed. I also thought the actual house isn't as important to me as a fenced in yard with space to garden. I have 2 dogs now and often dog-sit other dogs too. So I want an "oasis" for my pets and a place I could entertain with actual ROOM:-) We were very happy to view this place and the location is great for Tony to be a couple of minuets from his office. Since We will stay in Boise another year. I am really excited about this cute home, we move next month! I wondered to myself, just how nice will it be to make coffee in the morning at the very same time the dogs go outside? How amazing it will be to have an actual cottage where the smell of a fire pit greets you at the door and the bbq proves that it really is summer time again! Most importantly I am grateful for all the blessings, all the good things in my life! Starting with this next new adventure....while I sing "HOME, This is my home..."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

BIG LOVE a tv series review

It is amazing to me that when the HBO TV drama show "BIG LOVE" started up in March 2006, I truly HATED it! I not only watched the first four episodes but I disliked it so much that I vowed never to watch it again! I was uncomfortable with the whole idea of Mormon polygamy. This drama has a man named Bill Henrickson played by Bill Paxton (which is why it caught my eye to begin with, he is a good actor) who has 3 wives, one named Barbra he is married to for 20 years and the other he took on as a second wife named Nikki  from the compound of his childhood. And then a young 3rd wife Margie who is still learning about his religion.  Even Oprah got on board with the Polygamist culture on her show talking about what it is and how it works in modern culture also. Then suddenly I became a big fan of BIG LOVE....I also realized I should not be so quick to judge other people's lives:-{ Now it can be hard when they are so greatly different from my own, I want to work on that in myself, how can I see through other eyes in their lives? maybe that is why I like this show now? I know for myself that sharing my husband would simply NOT WORK for me and I also understand that I am thinking about it differently then if I was "Called by God" to sacrifice my selfishness in order to share. When you put GOD into these kind of demands some people will be eager to obey no questions asked. I began to watch this show again because I loved the women coming together to help each other while the drama unfolded. I am NOT saying this is right, living with multiple wives....(even though it was common practice in the old testament of the bible) I am not looking to say if it is right or wrong anymore...Because I have realized in myself this quick need to judge others needs to change. If a group of women love the same man and want to share a family together then it is their right and freedom to do so. I began to ask myself while watching these episodes, Why is it that when a family isn't made up in the "common structure" (one man and one women with kids) that these other different families get teased or hated? Each person has the same feelings and the same need for respect. This show really got me thinking through my own ideas of family. One thing I can say for sure is that Life and family really isn't so simple to understand after all...
 (I love this theme song by the way for it is mystical, very much like life in general)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Words of the song, "Sometimes you can't make it on your own" by U2

(Bono says: "My father worked in the post office by day and sang opera by night. We lived on the north side of Dublin in a place called Cedarwood Road. He had a lot of attitude. He gave some to me - and a voice. I wish I'd known him better.")

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now

I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror

And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time

You and I, that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need, I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now

I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror

And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk

I'm sick of it all
Can you hear me when I sing
You're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me
Well, hey now
Still got to let you know
A house doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror

And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
Best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Dork I am

In the mirror I see my face

In the mirror I see my self
In the mirror I flare my nose

In the mirror I raise my eyebrows

In the mirror I stick out my tongue 

In the mirror I always have some fun

In the mirror I know my animations

In the mirror I truly like who I see

In the mirror I am such a dork with endless funny faces and giggling stages.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Written Word

The written word is almost like discovering some historical treasure. We are coming to a time in history when books began to digitally replace a physical object. I am known for my protesting ALL things new in the technology world. Even though I have read from a borrowed Kendall, AND it wasn't bad, it wasn't my "cup of tea" actually. Now I enjoy the occasional auto book, especially on my road trips. Yet my heart is very connected to a simple book! I don't care how popular the new ways of publishing have become. I want my home always have walls full of real books. I love not running "Out of battery" when I am reading. Once when my husband and I were staying at "The Nines" in Portland Oregon, I wasn't paying attention as I read my book in bed with my sleeping dog resting on my leg. We were truly peaceful in our space.We were happy in our marshmallow bedding, as My husband had a TV issue, he wanted to watch a movie only to have instant problems with the system. Even along with the help of a repair guy the movie wasn't working and the it was all so loud! When TV came in and out, my dog and I jumped 10 feet in the air and grabbed on to each other startled after our peaceful reading time. I was thinking "Give me REAL pages of a story...I don't need any volume adjustment here." :-) It was an interesting night for my husband because his movie cut in and out with high sound then no sound. He was frustrated so he gave up by the 4th visit of the repair man. Then he came to bed saying he should have just read his book after all. I agreed! Now I am not against TV, movies or any noisy entertainment but there are very important moments in our lives where being still, being silent and reading the Written Word can NOT be replaced. For it comes from such a deep place in our mind and soul this decision to read and seek out peaceful moments of our imaginations:-)

Saturday, June 11, 2011


It was on a dark wintery night as I sat on my big blue fluffy couch in our new condo, for my husband Tony and I had just moved in and he was working late. So I was cuddling up in the blanket as I watched TV. It was on one of my favorite shows "Austin City Limits." playing on the public television station. I sat in awe at this music band playing called "Coldplay", It was no secret that I was a big U2 fan and suddenly while watching this other music band I was moved, with the powerful words and flashing lights the music caught my heart.....In that simple cold dark night I felt soft tears slip down my face as I listened to such inspiring music, to the words I  could related with! I see myself from that night on becoming a big fan of Coldplay:-)
I will never forget that episode of Austin City Limits.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Book Review, "A Good Dog" by Jon Katz

When I think of Orson, I always smile to myself remembering how he flew across the airport after a terrifying flight! In this book the journey Orson takes Jon on is one I can relate with and think about how each dog is so different and teach us about our own selves. How important it is to understand when you have to let go or hang on, when you stop to see the world through the dog's eyes and see how it also changes you. I love that Orson brought Jon Katz to a place in his life where the farm called him and brought him HOME. I feel like these last few years in my life I have been looking for my own home as well. The promise that we live in a beautiful place on this planet with our wise soulful dogs, makes me think there is something powerful, spiritual and phenomenal about being alive, It takes us to the stars when we die and gives us a completed feeling that we were luckily enough to live side by side with our dogs. Orson was powerfully devoted to Jon and the new life on the farm. When I read this book I would cry, laugh out loud and copy phrases that spoke straight to my heart. While my car got serviced or the tires rotated and the many other problems it had I spent all those days and hours in the waiting room reading this book. It was an escape from the noisy crazy TV, which always is on in these repair shops. In this book I escape the worrying world around me to the calm sunny afternoons in the flower gardens of Bedlam Farm. While I pictured such a beautiful big boarder collie dog getting his ears scratched as all of nature singed. For we have all been damaged in some way after the years leave us and after the world changes. But a dog stays the course in living by our sides, they learn to live with whatever the day throws at them as it comes and this is how I want to live my own life. It is hard to not want to plan ahead or control all the unfolding events, yet from the living examples of dogs I see my life healing with their help and their friendships, I see a whole new world! I see each new day as if I was living it for the very first time, For a GOOD DOG can take us there!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Renting World

Currently my husband and I have been driving around Boise looking for a new and improved home. By improvements I mean we are hoping for a fenced in yard, no attached walls and closer to his office. By the way of my imagination I see a romantic cottage with a roasting fireplace, big windows for our cat Tinker Belle to sit looking out on to the amazing gardens surrounded by flowers like a Thomas Kinkade painting! Some how the floors are all wood with perfect white trim and the kitchen is huge! The natural outside light will fill the cozy home along with the fresh baked cookies and sounds of little doggie feets run outside and in....Because I will leave my french doors open to the safe oasis back yard! (SIGH) Now THIS is JUST my day dream, I know it could be hard to find...but I will NOT give up looking for something like this with a big bath tub and a couple of bedrooms hahahahaha my dreams are worth it:-D My husband agrees some of these things are VERY important. The real world may not give us such simple pleasures but we will keep working towards them! 
When Tony came out of the property management  the other evening He looked excited as he got back in the car where I waited with my notebook and pen in hand. We were starting to look for a new place to live.  He explained "They said this is a very popular place so we need to hurry on the application if we want it!" I looked over my notes with a questioning frown in my reply "They don't have any pictures? That makes me unsure...." The day before Tony said to me he had "Standards" when I pointed out a few signs saying "For Rent" I had laughed so hard for i wouldn't want him ANY other way! It looks like we have sold our condo of 7 years, So THIS is unfamiliar ground looking for a home to rent!  Tony pulled the car into this place where I said out loud "THIS is the place?!?!" Before the car was even parked. The small house had chipping paint and old school windows visually showing ripping screens and then trash all piled around the broke corners of the car port. I gulped big as my eyes grew wide at the home before me. "Surely, this isn't what is actually out there? I don't want to go in!" I protested to Tony who looked alarmed and worried like myself. When we opened the cracking door a strong odder of cleaner and poop came at us and we ducked back unsure, YES the whole place smelled like POOOOOOOOOOP!!!! We didn't make it far in this memorable gross place! Just as Tony grabbed my arm for safety when we turned the corner together to see in the bathroom a haunting display of a rusting toilet and the shower curtain laying on the floor like a body could be hidden under it, I squealed in to my shirt sleeve where I had been protecting my nose and mouth from the utter filth! We ran from the place so fast we never even looked in the back bedrooms as we drew breath outside in the fresh air and tried never to speak of THIS house again, for my husband (And I know this for a true fact) will puke at the memory of it all! THIS is going to be such a new adventure visiting all these places and trying to find my oasis, my utopia out there! I guess trucking through shit smelling homes might be the starting point for where we go from here........

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Where Everybody Knows Your Name...

It had been such a fun morning at work, I was a young happy go lucky 24 year old.  and I loved my job of random things to do as a barrista, if there wasn't any coffee drinks to make, there was a floor to sweep or some trash to take outside. I also loved watching all those Boise Idaho sun rises when I opened the shop at 5am. The long list of details in getting a coffee shop ready was also one of my favorite things to do. From steaming ice tea pitchers to displaying pastries in the case. and when closing I got good at deep cleaning the bathrooms and moving tables for the occasional scrub brushing those floors. Starbucks at the time was growing and growing, they were getting to be like a high class McDonald's, simply EVERYWHERE. The fact everyone liked their coffee to be good while visiting in a comfortable extra clean shop made Starbucks very popular. I felt lucky to work for one such place, as we had coffee tastings and meetings on the history of our company. We did pairings with the pastries to the right type of coffee blend. Those were some great memories reading through our work sheets and sampling everything! I loved knowing how to describe each bag of coffee and focus on the structure of a beverage. On this particular morning I remember how fun the morning rush had been, now that I could remember our regular customer names. Jamie and I worked side by side communicating perfectly every little detail and then we broke out into song. We sang together as we worked the theme song to the TV sitcom "Cheers." It had come about because one of our customers said it was nice to get coffee where everyone knows his name. Without missing a beat I broke out in to the song, and I was so happy when Jamie joined me! We sung out loud and clear perfectly, we even got some other customers to join us and it was one of my favorite memories of my early days brewing coffee!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Green Apron

I was amazed that I got the interview for Starbucks that cold February morning in 2004, My husband Tony had typed up my application so it was all easily readable. He was hoping for some great perks with me working there of course! 
The first early morning started at 4am. I was confused that the coffee shop opened a quart till 5am. "Who the hell gets coffee this early?" I asked myself that struggling first morning. It didn't matter how many years later I helped open the stores I STILL had a struggling time to wake up. I never felt fully ready to move until I ate my breakfast and had my own cup of joe. Being newly married with this new job and a new home in Boise Idaho. I felt like my life was springing forward at such a fast pace, I had to really keep up! Our condo was needing a remodel, our kitchen supplies were missing basic utensils. With our one car we had to setup our schedule so I could drop Tony off at his travel agent job while running over to my Starbucks job. It got a bit crazy some days, we ate out all the time back in those days because we were both so wiped out that neither of us had time for our tiny kitchen. In those soft big chairs at my coffee shop location we ate our lunch together often, Tony loved those orange mochas or a hazelnut mocha. I went for the toffee nut with crunchy candies on top of the whip cream or a white chocolate mocha. Those were the days we gained the most weight, we didn't pay attention to the amount of sugar in one coffee drink. The actual barrista job was fun and full of things to learn. I loved sliding, which meant cleaning the lobby of tables and chairs. Of restocking the condiment bar and napkins. I enjoyed those early morning window washing and patio seating setup. I even didn't mind hauling the big load of trash out as soon as possible for I had a trash focus, a passion in the cleanest trash cans EVER! I took such pride in new empty fresh trash cans that i drove some people crazy. I loved the soapy water to mop a floor when it's first all new and ready to go. How the grinder sounded as the customers began to line up. I loved the glow of the sun rise after all these hard working tasks. I wanted to always be clean and ready for the routine morning rush! It was such a fast pace job that I loved the excitement and the happiness I could share with others as they gladly grabbed their drinks. Now if everything could run smoothly it was a great day with great customers and memories....but if something broke or burnt or simply didn't work. The mood of customers changed just as quickly. I had to learn how to fix things never letting on to the customer there was a problem if possible. I learned to think fast on my feet and keep a confident happy smile in place of all my own personal doubt. Victoria my manager was great in teaching me real life situations and then she simply left me on my own. It was so fast how training left me on my own behind the counter. She watched from her book keeping out front, she never doubted me as I fumbled and made my way through the beverage recipe. I had thought she was crazy at first to leave me all alone, then by the end of the afternoon I was moving in and out of the whole place like it was my own small business. Luckily, I have always been good at memorizing, soon the list of beverages were second nature in my mind. I still had those crazy moments burning the milk until it browned and floated in my pitcher, or sprayed my face with fresh foam. The pulling of the shots were often the hardest thing for me to do. I loved that old style espresso machine where everything was done by hand. For it was the Machine I was trained on and soon I knew everything about it. Those were the days my friend....

Jamie and Victoria had open when I came flying in to work, my extra whip cream mocha was being made as I slipped on my green apron, my long hair was pulled up and my finger nails were spotless. My white collard shirt was fresh and clean, usually opposite to when I leave. I was 24 years old thinking life couldn't get any more perfect! The grounds of fresh coffee beans laid in a puddle of splashed milk and water. I took my usual spot at the cash register for Victoria said my customer service was always spot on. This morning was different as I clocked on after having gulped a large part of my mocha for the caffeine rush I was looking for.  Jamie had me help her mark cups and call down the line of waiting customers. It was a beautiful early summer morning when I realized everything had clicked with me, this job had now because apart of my life and the beginning journey of my coffee education. I pushed up my eye glasses as I took the sharpy marker to mark the cup calling out "A tall non-fat no foam latte, a venti extra whip mocha and one grande with room brewed coffee...Gotcha, let's rock and roll!" Victoria high five me as I spun by her setting out the beverages as quickly as I called them. I had become a part of the green aprons, in that little Starbucks Coffee shop with the laughter of those who love their job while handing off tasty beverages!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Words of the song. "Wild Honey" by U2

In the days when we were swinging from the trees
I was a monkey stealing honey from a swarm of bees
I could taste, I could taste you even then
And I would chase you down the wind

You could go there if you please, wild honey

And if you go there, go with me, wild honey

Did I know you, did I know you even then

Before the clocks kept time, before the world was made
From the cruel sun you were my shelter
You were my shelter and my shade

If you go there go with me, wild honey

You can do just what you please, wild honey
Yeah, just blowing in the breeze, wild honey
Wild, wild, wild

I'm still standing, I'm still standing where you left me

Are you still growing wild with everthing tame around you
I send you flowers, cut flowers for your hall
I know you're garden's full but is there sweetness at all

Oh oh oh, love me with your soul

If you go there go with me, wild honey

Won't you take me, take me please, wild honey
Yeah, swinging through the trees, wild honey
Wild, wild, wild

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Baking Cookies

I grabbed my Papa stool when my beautiful young mother slid the ready to bake cookies into the oven, my job was to watch the cookies bake over the next 10 minuets. As a tiny little girl I loved the warmth of the heat from the oven in that trailer house kitchen with yellow designed flooring. Everything in that kitchen revealed a decade before in time dark old wooden cupboards and yellowish appliances. I didn't care anything about style or quality. I was just a kid, a young girl who ran around in her barbie or carebear underwear and t-shirt. In my earliest memories I LOVED baking cookies with my mother. It was as if the outside world didn't even exisit, I needed for nothing but my papa stool. I sat patiently on the stool watching through the oven window to the cookies on the heating sheet. "They are done! MOMMMY DONE!" I would call out to her from where she was doing laundry. She would hurry to get them out to the cool racks and I went back to watching the next cookies get baked. My Mother said years later that I never forgot about them and I was always right when I yelled out to her that they were done. Now as an adult I find I am not so "gifted" with focus and I always burn at least one tray of cookies in the millions I have created. I remember how I watched the dough transform into baked cookies and how I waited until I saw a ting bit of brown around the edges then yelled out for my mother to get them out before they cooked! Those were some of my most favored memories, baking with my mother and sitting high up on the counter to help her roll out biscuits and bread.  She always tossed me a piece of dough to play with then usually I ate it. Fluffy flour on my hands and knees often got all over the house when I moved. When it came to these days in our lives my mother happily put on her records of Keith Green the popular christian singer as she sang along sewing quilts and pillows. She kept a spotless home full of baked goodies and canned goods. She was my most favorite person to be around because she never got impatient or loud. She always had the softer touch when rocking us in her chair while reading children's bible stories to us. I have been thinking about my connection to baking cookies and why is it so important for me to do? Why do I feel like I will go crazy if I don't bake and when I do, why is it a feather in my cap? Does it come from my earliest memories of being home with my loving mother? Does the actual cookie it self transports me with every bite back in time when everything was simple and easier? Perhaps a big part of me wants to stay on that Papa stool forever watching the transformation of the cookies and squeal in excitement "Their DONE!" 

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I love my writing time more then anything! I think it relaxes my mind and sets me into focus for a peaceful result! Very much like in meditation, my writing puts my memories and thoughts in order.

I want my writing to tell the story of who I am and how I got here, of why I think the way I do.

I hope my writing can help someone relate with me, or find a helpful tip for their own life. 
Maybe I can find some life long friends through my writing, my sharing of who I am and how I live my life.

I love my writing because it is apart of me, of how I think. Most importantly of how I remember!

I want to connect to the world around me, through my writing I hope to always be honest and open in my new discoveries!

I hope that this blog can do JUST THAT! Share, explain, remember and encourage!

I see my life as one big long story full of magical moments, life lessons and true Loves. Full of lessons and meaning. For in Everything I have lived, it all floods from my pen coming from my writing spirit, from my very own heart and soul!

Write On.....

Friday, June 3, 2011


It was so much fun to pile up with friends after the Sunday morning church service, when We all headed into Boise for an afternoon of swimming! Sundays like that were some of my most favorite! We were swimming at the newly built YMCA, they brought out a pool jungle set blown up and bouncy! For all of us kids standing in the long long line dripping wet and jabbering with each other, it was exciting! I was also very self conscious about any extra skin showing, If I could have worn a full dress while swimming I would have! Being comfortable was far more important to me then looking good. It was obvious to me that no one else had my body type, even as a young healthy teenager I could not see my own beauty, but instead I disliked my squared hips and round shoulders. My arms bugged me the most as they stuck out thick and wide, I was really the only one with these kind of arms I noticed. Swimming has always been one of those things I truly love! Even now when my husband sees a pool he puts his hand up saying before he looks back at me "Hold on, Hold on, let's get check in first!" chuckling at my very predicable excitement! At the YMCA on these fun afternoons, the main challenge was trying to cross that floating island of a blown up jungle and NOT fall into the water below. One try I gave it, I fell. But it was the cheering from all my friends that I loved and how even freshly soaked I would still get high fives and hugs after my constant falling. For when you are as clumsy as me it isn't worth trying to be competitive!  I never gave up! I loved the jungle gym and the hard splash into the water! I loved all my friends and the smell of the chlorine water on my skin. One time I stayed up almost half way and cheered out at everyone at how proud I was and the roar of laughter that followed me as I fell backwards due to my own cheerful excitement at such a record braking time! It was those little things in life that made me so proud and so happy!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

My Hiding Place

I had a place that I went to sit in the dark away from the crowds at church.  A corner in the classroom in the back hall where I sat and prayed. I sat there all alone often to calm myself down, or think about my life in the last week. I usually left this hidden place feeling better and inspired again! I usually went to this private place to let my tears fall unnoticed and ready myself for another week away from church, I hated not being at church. It was hard on a social person like myself to wait a whole week in between visiting with my friends, being home schooled through those high school years was some of the worse most loneliest days of my life! I loved the peaceful quiet darkness where I sobbed and begged God to save from my life and my struggles with my parents. I will be honest in this hidden oasis where no one knew where I was, I wished to simply fall a sleep into death reentering that beautiful place they promise me was HEAVEN. Maybe it was all the fighting at home, My sister with my father, my mother with my sister and my parents against each other. My only saving grace was church and the promise of life after death. If I hadn't visited my hiding place at church in awhile I knew I was doing better, not so beaten down or depressed. Like a roller coaster my emotions and hormones kept my teenaged years up and down. In my prayer corner or meditation time I healed myself. I let myself just be me, in the moments after I left I would feel healthy again to be happy and take on the world! I also liked walking around church on my own, the long halls in the back of church within those walls and that orange carpet I felt safe and at home. It was more then just a building to me, I knew it very well. It held my friends and gave me someone to socialize with! I looked forward to our teenaged volleyball teams and our soft ball diamond home runs. Our soccer and football games, as I could kick the ball hard enough most kids ducked to the ground to not get hit by it. I loved putting fresh flowers in my hair outside int he flower bed talking with my girlie friends. It was a sense of community for me that I loved my church so much. If I could have stayed every Sunday all day long I would have! My own family changed at church and everything seemed almost perfect to me. I remember all those many hours laughing and talking out in potlucks and picnics. I was a lover of people, and a believer in God. In my escape and hidden corner I would pray for all these people I knew and all these memories I held. Through out my life I have created many hiding places, where I go to heal and balance myself again. Now I see the whole world as my family and friends! I have a certain peace at now controlling my home life and seeing God in all things! In my heart that very first hiding place was where I began to grow and let go of my fears. I can still remember my lacy skirt resting over my ankles as I bent forward to pray in the cool dark room I asked God to give me the strength to be brave and move forward into the future! 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Solo

 I attended a traditional baptist church over the second decade of my life.  After finally finding a steady church to be apart of, I was almost 11 years old when I stated I wanted to stop attending a different church every Sunday, I wanted to have some actual friends maybe...
This church celebrated every 5th Sunday night in the month by holding a church service called a "Singsperation!" I truly loved those celebrations, eventually it became a whole day at church with a potluck and fellowship time, up until all the singing began as a rare mid afternoon service. While random people from the Congregation signed up, volunteering and practicing for weeks ahead. It wasn't a talent show, it wasn't entertainment. It was only to worship God by singing through out the whole service with no sermon. So in understanding this setup no one ever clapped after a performance.  Clapping somehow created pride or vanity, we wanted to truly honor God. To say I attended a strange church comes from looking back at my past, I think I kinda knew deep down inside my soul I wasn't ever going to fit in or be an actual part of all these rules. I was hopelessly different. Yet, This all was a good lesson to learn....
I was only 15 years old when I agreed to sing with the new girl at church named Whisper. She was manipulative and mean, I was determined to be nice and help her feel welcomed in our church family. Most kids stayed away from her and yet I got cornered every time in my attempt to be really nice.

I turned to my beloved friend Rebekah as I asked "Do you know the name of the new girl in class? The one with short curly red hair?" Rebekah answered not looking up from her bible "Whisper." I suddenly duck my head down into a whisper "The new girl who has been coming to our Sunday school class..." Rebekah threw her head back in a deep hardy laugh "Whisper!" she said again through her laughter. I went even quieter in my voice "The new girl! what is her name?" Rebekah was laughing so hard by now, I waited on her reply. She took me by the shoulders in half hug trying to calm down from laughing so much. "Her name IS Whisper! Ooooh Debby that was funny!" I giggled as I realized my misunderstanding while mumbling back "I wasn't sure I could even whisper much quieter then THAT!"  AND So Whisper got me to agree to sing at the next singsperation with her. We practiced a song I had never heard of before, It wasn't sounding right in my own ears and my beloved friends Tiffany and Rebekah told me I was very thoughtful and kind to Whisper for doing that. I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to be this nice to the new girl, she hadn't yet actually hurt my feelings so I had to learn the hard way. One time I was sobbing on the floor in back hall in the ladies restroom when Tiffany found me there. "What in the world Debby! what happened!?" I told her all about how Whisper was beaten and hated by her parents, about how she had to have an abortion and was addicted to drugs. I was crying over the pain and sorrow that Whisper had lived through only at the age of 16. Tiffany kindly hugged me saying "Debby don't trust her completely, She is also a pathological lier." I had never heard of that before, for some reason I thought everyone always just told the truth by nature or fear of God's wrath! I wasn't aware of being used by Whisper for her own amusement, I never stood a chance when facing her.
The moment to sing in front of everyone came for Whisper and I. AND I have MANY doubts about this whole thing that many people told me to drop out before she makes a fool of me because Whisper could NOT sing and I did NOT know the words of the song very good.  As the piano played I bravely told myself this wasn't about being good at singing, this wasn't about me feeling so intimated by Whisper. It was about honoring and prasing God in this uncertain dooming moment. I began singing with all my heart, with all my strength. I smiled big at the starring eyes of all my friends and family. Now I had always said that I would NEVER sing a solo, because all you had is your own voice out there in front of everyone and that was terrifying if something went wrong. Singing in a group was easier for me, I liked not being alone ever on stage. This moment was defining, Whisper pushed me up front of her as we sang together only she simply stopped singing in her own shyness. With her making no noise of any kind, I was now going solo! I struggled alone realizing this could be the most embarrassing moment of my whole life! I only heard my own voice I only saw my beloved girlfriends nodding at me as if to say they were proud that I kept going! I tried to steady and calm my voice at this sudden changing in our duet. I will NEVER forget how fast my heart beat and how sweaty I became, I remember how my voice squeaked and shaked all alone on stage where Whisper now standing behind me almost completely starred down at her feet. I held my head up high towards the crowd saying to myself "This is for God I am not singing for myself, for God, for God, I wish he could change my voice and it could accidentally suddenly sound lovely at the same time it is all for him!" The song felt like it would never end, I was now front and center for what felt like an hour! I noticed my parents both frowning at me and I had to look around for a more friendly face instead.I was never more happy to get off the church stage when it was all over. My father who rolled his eyes when he saw me afterwords said "You should Stick to writing! That was really horrible!" I felt a sudden rush of tears hit me for it had all gone so wrong on stage I already knew that! My father in his honest bluntness didn't want me making a fool of myself like that again, but all I wanted after all of that was just a hug. He snorted instead and glared as if I was an idiot. Tiffany, Rebekah and Jennifer, my beloved friends were standing around me when my father said this and they focused in on him again. Jennifer stared at him in shock but she quickly hugged me and I control my need for crying. I had not only embarrassed my parents but I had sung a solo something I knew would be BAD if I ever did! My beloved friends circled me with encouragement and kindness, my father walked away shaking his head at my stupidity. My mother snapped at me later in the car saying "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SING! You said you would just not go up there with that crazy girl!" I shrugged explaining to my clearly upset mother that I did it for God's glory not my own. Whisper never talked about it again, I didn't ask her why she stopped singing suddenly and why did she leave me out to sing alone....The love most everyone else gave me was thoughtfulness for my bravery and how I didn't give up even after I was abandon. An actual lesson I took through the whole of my life time, I don't give up. I don't walk away after I have been completely abandon and find myself living solo.