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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

The Truth About Stefan Molyneux

Now I may of shared this before but it's still so very good, his advice has always been encouraging to me. 

I think the truth about time is so very important to always remember and fight for the freedom we all need to find!

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

The Courage of Cloudburst

When I think of one of my most favorite movies, I always think of "Cloudburst."
When I need to be reminded of my life before such sadness and sudden changes then I sing "Ain't Life sweet." because it reminds me of where I come from and how I got here.

When I look back at my 38 years I smile knowing it all tells a story and gives a strength in who I am that I am left so very proud and so very grateful.

When I watch this movie over and over again I laugh and I cry, I think about how important true love is and how important it is to make the world a better place!

When I tip my hat to this life I will still be singing to myself "Ain't Life Sweet....when you know what you are doin'.....Ain't Life sweet when you're not afraid to care."

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Six Feet Under - David

This is one of my most favorite scene of the whole show, and  it's one I have thought about a lot in this year actually.

If I could just stand still for a moment I can feel myself reacting to this life right now without my brother Derek here anymore in much the same way as David.

......Perhaps like I watching this show all over again because it reminds me that I am not alone in how I feel and what I am facing for the future. Derek was suppose to BE the future, he was young and he was good.

I guess we all need to scream now and then!

The Episode

It's as if I am transported back through time whenever I watch an episode of "6 feet under."

I will always remember being so young back then doing dishes and dusting my book shelf of my very first home in my very first year married living so happily ever after really.........
While I cooked up a colorful stir fry on the stove to the noise of HBO always playing on our small TV. It was free in the apartment we rented so I never turned it off as I spent whole afternoons in the kitchen trying new recipes and baking cookies.
The very sound of the theme song for "6 Feet Under." my attention would be captured and I would zoom into focus on the new story line, for the characters I knew and loved as if they were from my own family!

These were the early years of my 24th and 25th year that I thought everyone should be watching this show! I talked about it so much that most people rolled their eyes but I saw something in this idea of facing death that I felt was a MUST KNOW.
We should ALL face the fact we are ALL going to die but we don't need religion, we don't need to waste time hiding or judging each other since we are all equally going to die we should equally talk about death from this show and see the importance of actually living a brave and wise life!

"6 Feet Under." has a certain style that I loved so much when watching on how we have our mind's eye conversation going on that no one can see but this show reveals that part of us all in a real captivating and shocking way!
I was hooked on the very first episode "The Pilot." it won me over instantly. I laughed so much over how we all want to say what we are really thinking but instead stay quite or in a social norm where no one really sees how we really feel.

Over the 14 or 15 years now this drama series has played a huge part in my life as I make references and just sit thinking about it.....When my best friend died suddenly I pictured her in a sun hat sipping a Margarita whenever she came to chat with me as she said that she has all the time in the world now to relax, I got this idea from "6 Feet Under."
It helped me smile in my sadness and in my constant slamming up the brick wall. I can't call her on the phone 3 times a day like I use to.....I can't chat online or see all her facebook pictures anymore. I can't split a pitcher of beer with her like we use once a week when she was my neighbor.

None of us get out alive, none of us can hide. So after the first season of "6 Feet Under." I was profoundly changed and knew I needed to face death in the bravest way possible, which was living a great life full of love, not distracted by God or by people's ideas of God.
In death I see peace, pure and simple peace.
I also scream at the top of my lungs consumed by rage in facing death for it ends the story that I was following, the story I knew so well!
Just like in this great show I see how important it is to talk about it fully honest and fully real!

Be your best self always, 
Be your own truth and own strength,
Be your own honesty and be brave,
Be your breath and thought,
Be yourself. always and forever just be yourself when facing time as it leads right to death.

Let everyone else worry about what happens after you die, it was never in your hands to begin with.

Let the pain and loss, let the hurt and heart break just happen as you face the stone wall which claims everyone you will ever loved. 
I have seen this wall time and again, always coming back to remembering the famous episode of "6 Feet Under."

Maybe one day I will know what's on the other side of that solid wall maybe then I'll get to be the one who yells out freely; 
"There's No More BULLSHIT!" 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The New Tree


    Last year I went to buy a Christmas tree after I had completely forgotten about setting one up the day after Thanksgiving when I was happily setting out all my other decor.

It shocked me that a 4 foot tree was 45 dollars!?!?
So I shopped around and it was 35 to 55 dollars in buying a real tree. 
And since I only had 30 bucks in cash I put that towards Christmas goodies instead.

Then I went home thinking hard about how I could get my Christmas tree so I made a tree shape out of clothes hangers and wrapped Christmas lights around it.

I hooked it up into the window along side all of my other Christmas decor.

My husband Tony though it was pure genius! 

He was very impressed as looking on from the road it looked like a tree in our living room window.
Of course, It was NOT the same thing to me as I sat starring at the triangle lights hanging in the window and only when I put the curtain down did look like a Christmas tree to me. Yet the fact that it was a hard winter, and I didn't have much money made my creative mind spark!

Now a year later in a new home I knew that I wanted a new tree, something to really look at and enjoy.....

Over the last couple of weeks I have been on a quest to find a Christmas tree under 50 bucks ever since one guy told me there was a tree shortage I have been thinking if my tree was fake then I could set it up right after Thanksgiving and it would be easier for me to handle on my own.

So I woke up the other morning to a note from my husband Tony who said he got me a Christmas tree and I was thrilled!

Putting this great tree together was a real puzzle, but I loved getting it all setup! 

Ever since I saw the Harry Potter themed Christmas tree at the Festival of Trees last month I thought that I should do a Fantastic Beasts theme for my new tree in our new home?

I realize it'll take time of course to build up the decor if I do maybe I'll just leave the tree as it is?
Yet I have learned over the years to not rush into anything, especially as I step back in admiration over the perfect looking new tree!

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Bitcoin

 Here is Max Keiser once again, I love this guy!

And I will always remember when I first heard of bitcoin back in 2009, I smiled saying "Well now, ...finally, Here it is! Our financial revolution! It's about time...."

Of course back then I knew that we weren't rich enough to invest yet I still loved the whole new concept. 

Bitcoin is full of possibilities from what I could see and I spent many hours reading all about it as well, Good luck out there even now if you do get the chance to be apart of this movement!

        Yesterday morning over coffee My husband said to me "You are a very smart person, you should give yourself more credit and more of a challenge to learn about this technology world that you always try to avoid." I choked on my coffee in my chuckling back at him shaking my head.
For we had been discussing bitcoin of course so I defended myself with a big knowingly smile I explained to him "Well, it's a peaceful life to just knit and drink coffee with no technology no noise, and actually I have Max Keiser just a click away for all of that!" 
then we laughed at my cleverness.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

The Traffic

While life happens sometimes all at once, the noise of everything takes my breath away at times....
I stand still for as long as I can.
I cry for as much as I want.
I laugh loudly whenever it's possible. 
I get it. 
I know it, for Nothing not a single dollar bill can give us back our youth or our time, it's just up to us in our choices for what is important. 
I'll hope to choose for what makes me smile and tip my hat towards a good life, well lived.
I understand it in myself very clearly on what I count as success, so while not everyone will agree or feel at peace as I do for my simple life. 
I am proud of every single breath I have taken, every adventure I have enjoyed.

I now stand still to say "Slow down world. Slow down for it will always be there, something to do and something to see. Be still in the perfect second of time."

In our life stories we are learning as we live, as we are.  It's important to never forget we are all on the same road of life  together.......

which means we should drive very carefully, ALWAYS.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

OneRepublic, Seeb - Rich Love

Sometimes it's all summed up in a song, oh how I remember.....
I can remember back then it was so very important to me just to be together and it still is however my social list has changed and I can't get certain people back into my life ever again..........

I arrived to pure happiness when I turned 30 that I realize now just how rich love is all I will ever want for the rest of my life, so maybe I should get back to dancing like I use to?

Maybe I shouldn't try to stay back there in time and make this day the best dance possible?

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

When I realized that I live in the mystic my whole life changed. I was not yet 30 years old when I realized this.
So now I live in a place that is both magical and mystical at all times.
It's why I was always asked back then by even completely strangers I met walking through the mall "Where do you get your happiness? That beautiful smile of yours?" I would wonder myself as I laughed or smiled even bigger at their question. It was common back then when I met people face to face that I always greeted them first with a smile.

It's impossible to stay the same person at any year of our lives so when a trauma happens or when a sadness grabs us we should learn to never be afraid to smile as big as we can! Even in tears as seeing them often can comfort us, that first smile is very important to give forth such joy or hope in all things!
and so I know where my happiness comes from, I could answer that common question of my 20's better as I round the corner to 40.
"I live in the mystic, I am never alone in my heart as I live through all things, as I embrace the magic of knowing what is really important for my time, for my life."

I smile through tears, I smile through laughter and I respect such real fear that out there into the mystic I have no factual answers just hope and joy for the wonder of it all!

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Joey+Rory - When I'm Gone

It's been a sad week after Grandma's lovely funeral, after this rain and cold coming in, I know such sadness all to well by now....I think it hurts to face real life, real death and real loss of people we once thought would always be here with us.

......this has been the year of tears.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Grandma Beth

         The night before Thanksgiving as I had the windows open and the music playing I twirled around in my kitchen with the whole day in the kitchen baking up a storm, It had been such an emotional day for me as I tied on my apron and rolled up my sleeves for all the baking I had on my list to do.
"How can I ever create a Happy Thanksgiving ever again?" I asked myself as I cried, as I took a deep strong breath of morning fresh air and began to distract my grief into cooking. The end result was I made a ton of food, I simply never wanted to slow down and never wanted to stop cooking getting ready for the next day when my family came for Thanksgiving as one year ago we had all arrived here with Derek in charge of the big family meal. my heart will always hurt and I will always miss him...especially on Thanksgiving now. "Dear Derek, I miss you so much, I wish you were here along side me again cooking together and chatting it up!" I proudly rolled out my pie dough to place his huckleberry peach filling he left in the freezer to bake up in honor of him. 

 Grief is a process and takes time to be comfortable again with the new information that someone we loved has died.
For me the day before Thanksgiving was painful and I cried so hard, so long then I put some of my favorite songs on and I sang at the top of my lungs!
Then soon I was dancing with flour and sugar flying out every where around me, I was happy again after thinking of what a good day with family I will make for tomorrow, I am very thankful for my family, my 3 young brothers are now young men so I want to know who they are now. What are their passions, their lives stories and ideas are!
Joy comes to us in pain.
For me it was 5 baked pies and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes along side cole slaw, cranberry sauce, and smoked salmon dip. I was putting my grief into baking and making foods.
When Tony got home from work the house was wide open to the world outside all the pets were worn out from chasing the ball or being outside so much in the warm weather. I had Christmas music on for the evening that he laughed when he arrived "I should of known you would sneak in the Christmas music for Thanksgiving!" 
I explained how I delighted in the hope of the holidays, I need all the help I can get to be in the present moment of joy.
It always seem like everything is perfect and peaceful just before more sad news.
I looked around joking with my husband and peeling potatoes into the nice warm fall night, he kicked back to watch our favorite Thanksgiving movie "Trains, Planes and Automobiles." with cats and dogs cuddling him and I worrying over the potatoes, I looked out my kitchen windows and froze for a moment as I had a thought "Goodbye Grandma." 
 I saw Grandma Beth outside in a faint shadow waving at me  like she was proud to see me there cooking away for my big family. She knew what a delight it was to bring all 7 of her kids together over the years tooo.
Then suddenly I jumped to the sound of Tony's cell phone ringing back in his office. He didn't move from his comfortable place watching the comedy.  
"Tony Honey, You need to go answer your phone." I waited he didn't reply so I said again "Tony please get up and go answer your phone because your Grandma Beth has died."
 He looked back at me automatically saying "Don't be crazy." then he looked at me over his shoulder suspiciously as I was already crying and saying "Dear, Dear Grandma Beth."
 My husband looked at me sideways and in alarm for my sudden burst of tears just as my own phone rang as I saw my mother-in-law Jo Ann was calling and I told him "Yup, it's your mother." He turned off the movie and sat there looking alarmed. I answered with "I'm so sorry Mom. I know it's hurts so much to loose your mother." She burst out "How did you know!?!?" I explained that I was peeeling potatoes right then and felt myself saying "Goodbye Grandma."

We ended that late late night just before hosting Thanksgiving in tears and in stories of Grandma Beth.
It was cozy in the candle light and warm blankets on the couches.
   I was already for the holiday with every dish made and my list done.
       Tony said "Well let's make my Grandma proud and have a great day full of family and friends tomorrow!" and so we did.

The ballet was so magical and so beautiful I was left in such awe and wonder of it all as Grandma Beth sat beside me, she said "This isn't easy to understand at all, do you know what it's about?" 
I chuckled and leaned into her explaining what I did know as I joked back "It is hard to follow. yet it's sure beautiful." She patted my arm saying "I am so glad you are here honey or I be completely lost." I whispered a lot of details for her as she kept asking me "Now what just happened?" 
We ended that lovely event with me dropping her off at her lovely home and I realized how she wasn't ever going to be driving herself around anymore or at least shouldn't be driving because it was easy to see how confused she was becoming. We had dressed up and we gone to this classy event, I kept my arm around hers for most of it all as she would explain how nothing looked as she remembered it. For being so beautiful Grandma was a natural, sweet thoughtful person and I was delighted to be there for her on that starry night at the ballet.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

The Truth in this Society

        It's has been on my mind for weeks now, the Heroes of Hollywood fall. The News reporters on the front lines for us fail, and the next generation steps in to sweep the floor of all these old hats and old pervy ways in our society. For women have been standing up and fighting against the sexual harassment all of their lives no matter their ages they ALL have a story to share about this very topic of sexual abuse, harassment or inappropriate behaviors. It's not right, It's been apart of our society for such a long time. It makes us women strong in supporting each other and talking about how to handle the next man who invades your personal space.

These big shots in Hollywood are not getting away with it anymore and that gives me comfort among all the uncomfortable information in the News. 
It's good to have a zero tolerance for bad behavior. If men behave badly then they loose their jobs and their power, following through on not allowing these abuses to continue is very important.
As much as I am annoyed by the constant sexual abuse story one right after another these days in the news coverage, I am reminded of something I heard a few years ago "How do we live and survive in a rape culture?.....We teach our children that You DO NOT RAPE. That is where the change in our society begins." I had chuckled and nodded when I heard this thinking it makes perfect sense to me then I said "So now we have to wait for all the older perverse creepy men to died off in order for us to rebuild our society? I can't wait that long, I want to stand up and shout it out into the streets "This is Wrong! Rape is Wrong! And I am here to kick some asses right now on this issue!"

In one of my most favorite TV drama series "Jericho." the daughter of Mr. Hawkins asked him "Is he a good guy or a bad guy?" her father replied back over his shoulder at her stating "Baby. there's no such thing." I smiled in agreement, it will always be apart of us in how we behave, in what we choose right or wrong, good or bad, we can fight back at any time and always even if we are being bullied or sexually abused we have the strength within us to stop these bad things and change the world for the better!

"I see that the real heroes here – the only heroes – are the women who overcome their fear and misplaced shame to speak out."

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves

Yesterday morning early and cold I brewed our coffee and care over the pets then Tony came to sit a moment in his sadness.
I have seen him change so much in this year about the topic of death that he can not avoid now as his Grandma Beth Wilson was being buried at the VA cemetery.
I drank my coffee with him in our quiet dim lit living room with my fake candles flicking at us as we prepare for the long day of sadness.
I said to him "You look very good, very grown up in Cousin Henry's hat. It's so good to have him in our lives for advice and true style." I giggled and Tony replied "Wish I could have him by my side in every funeral I have to face." I smiled big knowing that my dear sweet cousin Henry has been a life saver for us in this very difficult struggling year.
We left our home in hats and gloves, in thick dress coats and that 9 am morning sun light made my eyes tear up as we parked for the surrounding ceremony of family as Grandma's casket was displayed.
It hurts like hell whenever someone dies but as Grandma's Sister hugged me while crying she said "I just can't seem to stop, I am sorry but your smile is so comforting, Thank you." I leaned to her beautiful face that looks so much like Grandma Beth and I said "She was your Sister.  Cry freely, cry forever. You will always miss her." my own pain, my own loss of how this all feels simply rolled silently down my cheeks as I supported her in another big hug.

When Tony's cousin Kasey Moulton gave her speech in the church service I was so impress that this young woman feels her Grandmother's death so purely, so wisely. It's not fair that she is so young, when I was 22 years old going this very same thing that I feel like she should have been given more years with her Grandma Beth. 
                          Then again life isn't fair or exact for any of us.
My Mother-in-law Jo Anne was saying "Poor Debby, she needs a break from all of this, She sure had quite the year of funerals." I chuckled and said "I know...right?"  Then I began wondering why it's been such a sad year, perhaps living a life with love allows for more and more people to fill my life, create my stories and be apart of me when they die?

Tomorrow will be a day of tears, a day at home to feel so sad but I will always keep my door open to someone new who needs a hug.
The future can't be feared for how many more loved ones I may have to say goodbye to in the end, every new season holds new life and new hope for honoring all of those who leave us behind on the earth awhile longer. We live with love bravely, we move forward under the falling leaves of the trees....

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Coldplay - Gravity

After a busy day downtown Boise in the warm sunshine, the clear blue sky and easy walk over to the Festival of Trees, where Mom and I strolled around all the decorated and donated trees. I describe everything different and clever. We never had to stand or wait in line for anything so that was impressive to me as well since my mother doesn't like to wait for anything.....
She had her apple cider and I had my coffee for a break in the yearly holiday event surrounded by Christmas music and the Candy land gift shop.
Mom was hoping to get me to take her shopping for those Black Friday Sales. I have never done this with her before or even after her stroke so I said if we drive by a store then yes I would take her inside.
It was such a perfect good weather day that pushing her around was easy and using the bathroom is easy because I packed everything in the way we need it at her first request!
I sang a lot of Christmas music and made sure she was ready leave the Festival by her own choice. I like shopping with her now ever since my Father said if Mom wants to buy something just let her, she doesn't have a budget or a limit. I use to try and keep her from over spending or over doing her Christmas gifts with a lot of suggested debates on prices. Now I simply say "Sure! do you just want to one or 2." She loves it, she chuckles at me as I hold up whatever she requested to purchase, she says back at me "I only need one." I nod and smile thinking shopping like this is by far more relaxing then in all the last 6 years of trying to keep her in a sense able budget.
I stroll my mother around Target on our way home from the Festival of trees wondering to myself "What is money but annoyance to distract us from just enjoying being together?"
My father is right to just let my mom buy whatever she wants when she wants it because it's never more important then being with her in a light hearted way and seeing her enjoy herself so much.
It wasn't bad being in the store in the late afternoon on Black Friday, all the employees looked exhausted but the lines were low and the whole store was a huge mess.....for we had missed that early morning rush! I feel for the retail world during the holidays, it's a crazy world of shopping that a whole generation lives for.......I was just a kid when I realized it was a very bad day to ever go shopping all of these "Black Fridays."
Mom and I strolled through the store, she gave me a list of how she use to get such great deals on this day, I always smile as I listen for shopping was my mother's clever hobby back before her stroke and now it's her favorite pass time after.
We stayed up that night till midnight watching "Miss Fisher's murder Mysteries." I was rather tired suddenly so I got her to bed in my adorable cozy guestroom. She wanted to lay on her good side in bed so she went to the other side of bed away from me. She was sleeping for 20 minuets there as I locked up the home and cared over my pets. I was asleep the moment my head hit my pillow then she called out for me, I was right back up by her side as she said sleepy that she wanted to go back to the couch it was easier there to get comfortable. I helped her stand up and I moved away from her with her pillows in my arms to transport them back out to the living room when she rounded the corner of bed from me I stood waiting to walk more beside her yet she tripped or lost her balance. I was watching her fall and helplessly throw my pillows from my arms into the floor then slid to catch her. I shouted "Mom! Watch out! OH NO!" I was grateful she fell into the soft guest room chair instead of the sharp window corner. She went face first into the chair then bounced back to the floor with me under her supporting her back and shoulders "TONY!" I called out as I held her in place asking "Is your leg broken, are you bleeding? Can you breath? Can you feel your toes? Is a rib broken?" I was shaking and thinking fast as Mom said "Don't wake up Tony, let him sleep...I am fine." I said "You fell Mom, I need his help for sure." He took my place holding her up against her back as I jumped over the bed to help her from the front. We went down the check list of possible injuries and Tony explain if a rib was broken we can't do anything about that, so we'll find out as we move her back up because it will hurt like hell to breathe. I quickly put her knees together and advise everyone that on my count of 3 we were going straight up onto her feet all together. I held her feet side by side with my own feet and legs then she gave me her good strong hand to help pull her up into my arms where I held her fully. Tony pushed up from his place in the room then once she was back up we carefully made our way back to the living room couch. He was very impressed by me and how quickly I went to work getting my mother back up her feet again, she was going to sore, and bruised for sure!
It would of been impossible all by myself to get her up again, it shook me up so much that I didn't ever go back to sleep again for the rest of the night.....I felt very responsible.
I was made humble by the fact I use to think I was so strong with huge wide arms, yet when something like this happens, I see myself small and weak, I see myself letting gravity win over me!
Sadness is so very heavy, it has changed me completely.
I hurt for my mother when ever she tried to walk and moaned in her pain, if I tried to help her then touch her new big purple bruise I would feel so bad.
Tony reassured me that I had done everything right, that my mother's fall wasn't my fault, wasn't from my neglect but I still felt bad for being so sleepy headed to not think over how she could get out of bed safer.....
Tony said "You are good at letting your mom know everything you are doing and why, she doesn't like to wait for anything so even when you tell her that you will be right back to her, she doesn't like that so don't beat yourself up. I have never seen anyone stay cheerful under such a demanding mother." I cried.
He hugged me and I said "It terrified me to watch her fall! I was so helpless!" He chuckled back in his reply "No you weren't, you slid under her and throw those pillows out to help her fall safer. You knew how to lift her straight up and get her to safety again, you never lost it, you are one of the strongest people I know." I cried again.
It hurts us all to see our own parents get hurt, to see them struggle or have pain.
I was worried all morning caring for my mother who just wanted to go home since she fell at 1 am, while we wait to gather her stuff up till 10am I was by her side and watching her carefully for any signs of broken bones. "I just can't believe you fell Mom." she replied back "I don't know what I could of tripped on, but I thought I could just grab the wall to steady myself but then suddenly wall wasn't there." I  nodded trying to think back to my racing heart beat in seeing her loose her balance from holding her cane to trying to grab the wall and then my arms flying up to grab her in mid-flight.

Gravity is a real thing, it taught me just how fast it can win over the situation at any time......

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Stay Forever Young

My brother Derek and I played basketball out front of our Grandparent's house in St. Maries Idaho on that Thanksgiving week long vacation there, with the house to ourselves we went on hikes into the slopping valley and trails to the Saint Joe river.

We had 2 baby brothers in our arms as we laughed so much over the familiar land of our own childhood memories, adulthood was just a year away for me with our Sister Dana working in Papa's shop on wood making projects, she would always say to me "I don't know why you are so afraid of turning 18, if it was me then I would be planning my freedom day!" Derek and I would look at each other in alarm glancing around as if our parents would burst in on us with their anger towards our very rebel sister.

We did so much together that week, Derek and I took our brothers to the swing set at Cherry Ben one afternoon I liked driving quiet open country mountain side roads. 

At bed time Derek had his usual bedding setup in the open closet of the newly designed basement of our Grandparents home. Ever since I can remember my brother always found his own private sleep space within the closets of hotel rooms or families homes. While my sister and I were always sharing everything in those days of growing up on each other's elbow.

It was those bedtime memories I still think about from 1997 to right now I remember my puppet socks for the giggles of the little boys, in the basement we were safely tucked away from our parents. 
So we were up super late without them really knowing because we went down to bed at the 9pm as we were commanded, from the closet where Derek would listen to me telling bedtime stories and breaking out into songs for I had a usual list of bed time songs for our baby brothers every night that I could help them settle down to sing with me, sometimes Derek would sing along.

It was my idea to pile up all our pillows and bedding in the hide a bed then get way back to run fully head on from the other room by the door to wide open messy bed. It would always bring out our laughter, as we flew! And it would always wear out the little ones for bed too!
Dana stated from her own corner of the basement "If you guys get to noisy Dad will be down to tell ya to be quiet....and someone could get hurt." I chuckled back at her suggesting "you should try it! there's no way you can get hurt it's all pillows!" I ran and slid into the mountain of bedding with my feet flying!
While my 3 brothers waited in line, I came back to them laughing so much that eventually Dana joined us for we were always coming up with fun games like that in everything we did together!

Then we usually would wind down to my singing and swaying with Daren and Dougie in my arms as the night grew late I truly loved the times we were there up northern Idaho and tucked away into the lovely cozy basement full of sleeping bags and pillows, snacks and sodas we all camped out down there just fine.
When I look back in time I smile, when I live on into the future I cry.

When I think about how we struggled while growing up I think that we were given a true friendship in each other whether we realized it at the time.....

When I think about 20 years ago on this week I can still hear us laughing! Derek requested the song "One Tin Soldier." as I closed my eyes to sing all I could remember as the sleepiness of the late night calmed us all down.

I knew in the soft glow of the lamp light that I was right where I was meant to be.....
For nothing stays the same very long and I already knew that all to well back then in my heart and mind, it's why I knew how important it was to remember it all, the joy and all the adventures we had together!

The Band - Forever Young

Sunday, November 12, 2017

My Favorite Moment

Since magic is apart of me in everything I do, I can say without a doubt that the scene in the movie "Fantastic Beasts and where to find them." is one of the sweetest moments in all of time!

.....When Queenie says goodbye to Jacob Kowalski......

(Since I was Queenie for Halloween this year, I discovered this drawing from the amazing movie and smiled to myself, for Love is the best kind of magic of ALL)

Sunday, November 5, 2017

My Guest Room


It's always a wonderful thing to have, a guest room for visitors and cozy comfort!

It's always on my list of what kind of rooms in my house that I would want, a guest room would come first to me over an "office" and over a "Craft room." 

It's apart of my childhood staying with extended family so as I kid I can remember how important your own bed away from home is, how nice it is when people we visited had an actual guest room and extra bathroom.

My husband didn't grow up like that, he rents a hotel room without any question or doubt when visiting extended family. So I have learned so much from him in the true comfort while traveling or visiting people.

Yet when I create a Guest room I am very proud, I am very pleased to see it set up, welcoming in at any time my company.

It's important to me when my mother comes to stay with me that she sees fresh flowers in the window, that it all smells like Lavender and the lamp by her bed works for when she reads into the late night......

This has been a busy fun weekend with her here, I like how the guest bathroom isn't far from her bed, how comfortable she is on the big couch that was my brother Derek's in our living room. I told Mom that Derek and I had a lot of similar colors in our homes, it was easy to merge his things and mine together in this lovely home.....

It's a home with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms so I get to setup my guestroom in such pretty perfection while organizing all my husband's office supplies in the next room over where he is all setup for his own privacy, his own morning coffee time away from the rest of the home.

It's a very peaceful neighborhood, very beautiful all around us!
 I use the upstairs room for extra stuff like arts and crafts with a toy box when kids visit. I hope to paint flowers up there this next spring for it's a wonderful extra bedroom, I have a reading/knitting corner up there to look out over my new home!

It's been a few months in getting settled, but my most favorite room of all is the kitchen. Of course in any home I love my kitchen but here in this floor plan I can cook in the kitchen while having company sit at the dining room table or while my mother has a cup of tea in her chair still talking to me never out of each other's sight.  

It will make the holidays so comfortable being here!

Thursday, November 2, 2017

My Halloween Friends

It's crazy to remember how 4 years ago I went out into the magical beautiful Halloween night with my life long friend Tiffany and her 4 children. It was safer for her to walk with the 2 older as I walked with the 2 younger....We had such an awesome memorable night all of us dressed up!

It's crazy how different their lives are now, how grateful I was to have them over in my new home full of magic and full of great wonder!

We danced and laughed, we shared stories and we walked through a lively active neighborhood.....I have tried to see them every Halloween as they went through their parents divorced and new schools.
I love how smart their youngest kid is, my friend Shane who gives me a hug every time saying "I wish I could live here with you again." For we had one of the best summers all together in the foothills talking about bugs and the constant cuddles of my dogs on the floor with him. We had long talks about being nice and good to animals for he has a natural love for the creatures of the world. While that was the busiest summer of my whole life, I am still glad I agreed to help out my friend....she needed a safe place to regroup, her kids and I embraced the summer fully!

It's crazy how fast they are growing up, I always knew that this would happen and told their Mom all the time in case she forgot during that rough summer for her......."These days will not last long....for when they are all grown up they will be to busy for us!"

I look back at how grateful I am to have such good friends, Halloween is a holiday for the children so quite naturally I always hope to see them in any way possible!

Last year I took them to their school Halloween party and was blown away by how cool it was all setup! I enjoyed every minuet of that wonderful time of course.........
Now for this year we walked through my new neighborhood and we saw so many awesome scary things! There were groups of kids running the sidewalks all over the place and I felt so happy to just embrace the great weather of a perfect fall evening with my Halloween friends!

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

My Black Cat

It's been a magical adventure for me in loving my big fat black cat as he was young even a bit skinny back in 2011, every morning I drank my coffee watching him walk the sidewalk in front of my cottage.  My dog Oscar would bark at him in alarm but Lewis never stopped on his morning mission to go eat whatever Bernice set out on her front porch step for him of bacon bits and eggs. I saw him eating this all as she told me that she always feeds the neighborhood cats we had 3 of them at the time. 
Lewis was my other neighborhood's cat so by the summer of 2012 when we moved in to his home I had a trusting friendship with Lewy already established.  
Yet My husband kept saying "Do not claim this cat as your own." he warned that we couldn't take on another cat at all. I  struggled so much in trying not to care over Lewis but he was left with the home he had grown from a kitten at, so I naturally felt he should stay in the safety of what he knows for his beautiful life story! 
I am in awe of my life time with Lewis now, He's my sweetie pie for sure! He still trust me fully and always, and he still loves for me to carry him around on my shoulder.............. 
I look back in awe that he naturally became my second cat.

Yesterday he caught a big mouse out back by the wood pile and I was appalled and impressed.

This morning he helped me decorate for Halloween as my friend's kids are coming over and I have made lots of fun foods in the theme of "gross monster guts", I sprinkle spider confetti out and Lewis jumped back like they were real to him! What a smart cat!

I had worried so much over this big move to Meridian, that it would freak out all 3 of my cats, instead they were very lazy in the  transition and they have love it here instantly! 
I am grateful that they all get along for the most part very peacefully. 
I am grateful to have a nice friendly neighborhood full of Halloween decor and lots of laughing kids around. 
(I can't wait to see how decorated it is here for Christmas!)

My big black cat Lewis has always helped me decorate for Halloween so nicely in every way! 
and I am grateful for him too!

I think that my story of Lewis and my relationship with him now reminds me every day that no one can tell me to leave an animal alone when I feel in my very soul that this creature needs me.....
Back when I thought I would never see Lewy again I cried so much and now I kiss him every morning with such happiness that he is mine! 

My Lewy boy is truly an Awesome black cat that I feel how wonderful it is to have him in my life and How good it is to have him by my side on every Halloween! 

Friday, October 27, 2017

Imagine Dragons - Whatever It Takes

I've been feeling very strong lately, very focused on what needs to get done around my home.

I've been feeling a bit panicked by the soon to arrive winter that I hate so much!

I've been feeling helpless in what to do when the snow arrives.....I guess last winter was just so horrible that I keep remembering it with alarm and anxiousness!

I been feeling like Spring can't get here fast enough and yet we haven't even had a single day in winter yet.....

I like this song for helping me stay strong, stay hopeful.

I've been feeling so sad over how I will never ever like snow again, (for it claimed my brother's life so I will hate snow to the very day I die too.....)

Even in it's pure white fresh beauty I will never like it.
That's why this song helps me face winter now 

Friday, October 20, 2017

Idaho Landscapes

               It had been 4 years since my husband and I had taken a vacation, a real relaxing vacation. I struggled greatly in not wanting to leave my pets, but it all turned out even though I felt like there was so much to do to get on the road.....
My Oscar has been acting up, easily attacking our Minnie. It makes him an unstable old dog now that I stay very close to him at all times or he goes off by himself wanting a break from everyone even the cat Tinker bell who he grew up with. So I know he's coming to the end of his life getting him some pain killing meds I noticed he improved as we moved this last September.
Yet now he gets confused, he doesn't see as well and he drools all the time in lacking some of his teeth. My heart's joy is that he melts into me and lays his head under my chin on my shoulder as I carry him, we still run and play, we still toss the ball and we are still mostly always fact I have no plans for the future in my understanding NOW is all we have to be together, I am not going any where without my Oscar <3 
Taking this road trip up north, Tony and I talked about the death of our pets as we can see on the horizon of was good to share about what we will do to be on the same page at such a sad time ahead. That magical Idaho landscape helped me know that I proud of how I raised Oscar, how I spoil Sidda and how I enjoy Minnie! How all 3 cats were left setup safely 2 big litter boxes each and a friend to check on their water/food. Cats are always easier to leave home when on a week long vacation...Oscar was able to spend his time withe his "Grandpa" Kelly and Sidda was cuddled by "Grandma." Teresa as Tony and I rented a lovely place by the Couerd"Alene lake where Minnie loved being an only dog in our care. 

It was so beautiful every where as fall was in full force! 
I drove on in such joy of this adventure ahead!
It was so much fun to realize I needed to get out into the world around me.....
For my pet care, my unpacking boxes, my car troubles, my concern over my mother have all kept me distracted lately.

So we rented a car for the open road! 
We talked and laughed a long the way!
We felt like we were kids at play or on a new holiday!
What a magically new way to see the landscape of Idaho! 
I hope to do more driving out and about in it in the future!

I am grateful to learn on this trip just how tired I am in my heart and soul, how worried I've been over everything and realizing I need to heal, I learned how much older I have grown, how my body has changed to feel aged. I enjoy the week away for it gave me insight into my own mind and my own new way of living. I do love my new home, my brother's home....I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.
Yet sometimes Idaho's landscape reminds me that nothing will last, nothing will be as important as the sun set, the fresh air and the beauty of this earth.

I am grateful to cry and to hurt among the ever green trees as I miss my brother Derek.
I am grateful to hug and to visit with our extended family up north through out that vacation get away week.

I am now in awe of Idaho's beauty and comfort in living here.

Coming home just before the bad winter weather arrived made me think about the future because nothing stays the same so I shouldn't worry so much, yet for now I am slowing down. I am here in this home and moment of time.

I count my blessing looking around me at 3 napping old pup pups, in 3 cuddling purring kitties. 
I count my blessing in being a homemaker, In my baking and my cooking, I count my blessings in cleaning my new home and honoring the memory of Derek.

For the future is open wide, the future is beautiful like a Idaho sun rise.....
..... and yet we will always have to say "Goodbye."