Search This Blog

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Take me Home






"Were you born in the Mountains?" the little kid I was babysitting asked me this as we walked to the park, I choked on a laugh asking "What?" He explained in his adorable wise 5 year old self "You know, like are you from the mountain people?" I smiled big in surprise by him answering back in a nod "Well yes....actually I was born in the mountains." He explained "I KNEW IT! I was thinking you had to of been born from the mountains because you don't care about all the things people from the city care about....you wear whatever you want and you live just like the people from the mountains do!"
I joined him on the swings looking right out into the mountains surrounding the City of Boise Idaho and I smiled. I replied back "I guess you are right! I never thought about it like that before, I am apart of the mountain people! That explains a lot for me actually, HA!"
We enjoyed the beautiful June day at the park next to those beautiful mountains.

The Stars Of June

   The stars of June are bright and brilliant! I have been studying over the years what it means to be born under those very same stars!

My Brother Derek had these stars shinning over him the moment he was born on June 13, 1982.
The magic of it all leaves me in wonder!

How grateful I am to of known him in my life!

How very Gemini he really was too, it makes me smile in remembering him and how blessed I am to of been his sister, as an Aquarius I can see why we often got along so good, our star patterns were shinning nicely together....

I sure will miss that,
       I guess the stars never leave us in the end.

How fast is the month of June flying by? I look up at the night's sparkling sky as Gemini leaves me and I feel sad to see my brother's sign go.

How I see now that the clock on the wall is pointing North, I hear the tick tack of time, I feel the hurt in this great painful grief that only the mountains can remind me of this earth's beauty once again!

How I feel stretched thin, and lost in a long list of craziness. The stars remind me that it will all work out however that will look in the end.

How I long for the scent of pine trees, and the laughter in family! 
And so I leave tomorrow, I will head north under the June sky!


Friday, June 16, 2017

Music in June

On June 13, 2014 Onerepublic came to Boise Idaho and I had zero money for a ticket....I was falling all over myself to try and get a ticket and spent that evening walking all around the hillside in hope to hear them from the stadium, I felt so helpless not getting to see them, not getting to hear every single song that I know so well.
But at the same time I had an adventure on my own through the city of Boise, thinking about how I will never want to repeat those days of living penny to penny, or as I often said "We are living on eggs!"
(It's true, the incredible edible egg can help the hungriest person survive another day!)
.......so even if I had the 80 bucks to buy a ticket to see one of my most favorite bands play here in Boise on that beautiful magical June summer day.....well, I would of said "No." For 80 bucks is exactly how much my pet food is every month. 
I learned through trail and error, through embarrassment and social awkward moments to never make a dog grooming appointment unless I have the cash in hand. For those years of my husband in law school were the hardest days of zero money. I was able to make 30 dollars last longer then most people even, yet it changed me forever. I could never go back to assuming if I wanted to see a music concert I would just go like I did with all kinds of events back when we were first married and both working full time. I am a very different person now, it's a good thing I think......sometimes I am sad remembering how carefree I was back then but now I am glad that I will NEVER go back, never be a consumer. I like knowing there is far more to life then buying things, then trying to look good. I like knowing now how bad, how broke I can be and STILL be so very happy! I will never be afraid of the future, never wondered when our "ship comes in." If my husband disagrees in the future with me then I will simply tip my hat to him, leave him to live the kind of life he wants for I would never ever want to hold him back, and I will never want a castle to live in as well. Life is funny like that I think......we all grow old and change, sometimes we change together and sometimes we change apart yet the only thing that matters is that we bring out the best in those around us. I don't think I always bring out the best in my husband as he says that I am "Shell shocked." That I am damaged by the last four years of poverty, I don't see the future full or prosperity like he does. I have to take a deep breath when he says this, and know he could be right.......I shouldn't put a damper on his dreams. He is finally 30 percent happy right now! I wish I could call Benny and tell her for we would laugh again! I wish I could trust that it will get better but I am in no hurry to change. I really like who I am right now, I like knowing how to make 200 dollars last 6 months, and still BE there for everyone who needs me! 
When I started up my organized money envelopes, I realized that even if I had more money in our bank, I would now use that for all the charities, the social programs and needs in my community. I will never go back to buying a 40 dollar skirt! (And yes that still bugs me, I was so stupid and young)  
Looking back over the law school years we would of never survived if I didn't fill those envolopes up first before doing anything else. (Thank you Dave Ramsey)
      I would even mad at my husband if he bought a six pack of beer when things were painfully tight. "That's taking money away from my much needed eggs!" I would panic and then feel bad for him too.
He would reply "I just need a break, one beer till it gets better.....god, and it has to get better right?" 
I shrugged not knowing at all helplessly wondering my self then adding in a bit of hope saying "OneRepublic is in town tonight! I've been listening to them all day! Oh how I wish I could be there!" My husband replied in horror "Sounds miserable, AND it's expensive! I am surprised at you for wanting to go.....usually you have better common sense. My beer is nothing to the cost of going to a concert! THEN when you get seated you'll still want a beer! So 20 bucks later you'll wonder why ya even went to this crazy crowded loud concert to begin with!"
I laughed at my honest husband as I turn up the radio on our back patio saying "I know, I know, but I would of loved seeing them....just like I will always remembering seeing Cher back in the day! Maybe tonight we'll just sit around the fire pit and relax, listening to One Republic on the radio then." My husband handed me an open beer saying "That's my girl!"




Thursday, June 15, 2017

The pearls of June

                                                                                                                  It's so BEAUTIFUL in JUNE! 
It's so comforting and full of promise to be aware of how precious are these days in such a great summer month!
And so June is like the discovery of a real pearl in the whole long year.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

One Summer night

It was a night I knew that I would never ever forget.
And I am now realizing that my greatest memories often start like that....

It was a summer night I would never forget!

It was the very best memory that I can ever recall from my childhood, and I have many but THIS was a night to top them all.

It was the beginning and the ending all in one night.

It was summer time on the farm, I was 18 years old.

My sister Dana was 17, my brother Derek was celebrating his 15th birthday.
Little Daren was 4 years old while on Dana's shoulders Dougie was not yet 2 in this picture. Our Mother made homemade ice cream that evening for Derek's birthday. We were all in such great spirits, we were all getting along in such a peaceful wonderful magical way!

It was the best night of our lives that I knew I needed to grab my camera and snap a picture of it! I knew in my heart and soul I would remember this summer night all the rest of my life!
It wasn't ever bad, wasn't ever stressful or chaotic.

It was that ONE perfect summer night! It was my brother Derek's 15th birthday! I was in such awe of it all!

The scent from the cooling charcoal BBQ where we ate big juicy hamburgers, we ate with our mother laughing and simply delighting in being with each other at the picnic table. The motor sound of the ice cream being made was in the back ground as Dana and Derek took off to kick the soccer ball up and down the driveway while I helped Mom get the little boys cleaned up for our late night dessert.
I washed up the dishes quickly feeling so happy, laughing and singing loudly. Mom joining in with me as she put food away, I was in awe for my mother singing along beside me for usually she had a distracting frown on her face but in this my most perfect memory she sang with me as the whole world was perfect around us!
I glanced out the window to see my sister Dana walking back toward the house as the sun was setting with her arm around Derek and his arm around her. I smiled so proudly just watching them, for it had been a difficult journey through puberty for us all. We had stressful battle lines, chaos and drama. Yet on THIS night while Derek was enjoying his 15th birthday, everything was perfect!

I stepped outside into the cool summer air, after everything was made beautiful in the kitchen and Mom was reading on her couch saying she was so excited to finish her book. I dance under the stars with Daren as Dana blared the radio from her bedroom window out to us in the yard.

Derek brought out the volley ball and it was game on!

Now we didn't have a volley ball net but we did have a pole in the ground so if the ball went through that marker it was "NET!" We laughed so hard till tears rolled down our cheeks, the little boys were right there with us pretending to be playing volley ball as we helped them and then cheer out loudly, we jumped up and down as the night roll out to midnight with such excitement!

Dana had her christmas lights to help us see as it grew darker and darker we didn't stop playing volleyball till 1am!

And we never quieted down in fear, not once did we look at the clock.
The little boys found their sleepy heads on the blankets and pillows piled up in the living room with our mother still reading on the couch beside them.

We teenagers had made a big fort of bedding for them and for us as Dana announced "It's a SLUMBER PARTY! Booyah!" Mom laughed at her and completely agreed letting us all sleep there in one big group!

I told ya this was the BEST memory of my whole childhood/teenage years!

Derek, Dana and I played that volley ball until our arms hurt, we chase off the bats, the coyotes and the June Bugs with such high energy!

We sang at the top of our lungs to every song we loved.

That volley ball game was one of the best ever of course, we cheered for each other we just wanted to keep that ball up in the air for as long as we could!

We never corrected, never scolded or judged each other. We never lost our tempers, never hit or kicked. 

I stood back in awe of this night.

I loved the scent of summer, of that great night in June.

Derek and Dana jumped into the ditch water just up from our volley ball "court" our sparkling yard. "Come on Woman! It'll help cool ya down!" my sister called out as I asked "Do rats swim at night????" Derek and Dana laughed so hard when I accidentally slipped in the muddy side and I was scrambling out of there like a wet cat!

They held each other as they were weak from laughing as I laid on the dry ditch bank like I had almost been burned alive, yet I laid there from weakness of laughing at myself too!

The stars were so bright up the hillside away from our home, our mother's lamp gave a soft glow to the window.
Our baby brothers were sound asleep after we had included them in our never ending volley ball game.

After having gotten wet from the irrigation ditch, after having laugh so hard our ribs were hurting as we hiked up towards our grandparents big house. We had soft cool dirt between the rows of all those apple trees that stuck to us like clay as we were soaked through but happily went to our favorite spot in long soft grass of the small orchard it opened up to the moon light above us!

My heart was bursting by ALL the magic I saw!

The stars were like diamonds, the moon was brilliant! We just laid on our backs on that long soft grass looking up into a perfect place in time!

Dana, Derek and I.

ALL was right with the world, ALL was right with the Universe. ALL was right with God and for us it ALL ended to soon.

I leaned into Dana giggling together as Derek explained the how important deep space is to the earth. We were all so happy in this day, we were relaxed and we were friends. 

My brother and My sister. We were the best of friends that night! We were there for each other with one adventure right after another!

That one summer night was and IS my most favorite memory of my whole life time in that family! From the past, this is a moment in time that I love remembering, ALWAYS.

The 5 am hour had all of even our mother sound asleep in the living room, to the pink sunrise that surrounded our farm home as we slept so deeply, to the sound of roosters crowing just up the road from us, I knew as I looked around at everyone that this was a moment in time I would cherish, I would to my heart!

As Mom flipped the crepes in the mid morning she smiled and asked Derek "So did you have a good birthday?" He beamed so happily and nodded while dishing up fresh berries and whip cream for those perfectly made crepes, he said "It was PERFECT." I said with a wink "See, I told ya that summer birthdays are far better then winter birthdays...." Derek smiled back at me and nodded.


.......and so 20 years ago today, I still cherish that one summer night!

Happy birthday in heaven my dear brother!







Monday, June 12, 2017

Coldplay - Everglow Lyrics






I miss my brother Derek, for he died in the snow.........................

I don't want a life without him.

I miss him so much, I really do.


     And I'll never let him go......................

One Hubcap

       
I grabbed my car keys and say goodbye to my family, just as my mother came into the doorway calling out "You have to take your brother with you."

I protested on my way to my car "Why? I'm sure he has better things to do then hang out with me and my Boyfriend?" The word "boyfriend." always made her eyes widen in true fear. I knew what I was doing at the age of 20, I knew that with my mom I had to say it bluntly, boldly so she could process it and change her ways of trying to control me. I did this with everything about my life that I knew she would feel upset about. I wanted to always stay an honest person no matter how hard she made it for me. So
I simply said it, I simply took ownership of it with no fear.

Derek jumped into my car after Mom had hunted him down quickly as I didn't wait around starting up my new car while kissing goodbye my baby brothers, the house was noisy and busy so as Derek came running to be with me I said sarcastically to him "Oh yes, run run for Mom will want a full report, so keep your eyes and ears open....Oh my god! Debby has a boyfriend!" I mocked the whole situation with a dramatic gasp for air.
He looked disheveled and deeply annoyed that our mom has demanded him to go out with me as I carelessly waved her on like it was no big deal to be dating, if our mother had her way we would never date OR we would stay there with her over dinner in what she said was God's true system called "Courting properly. Never alone to sin or get into some kind of trouble."
Derek buckled up beside me as I drove out into the country roads heading into the next town where my boyfriend Tony lived. As the radio blared on my Cher songs, he rolled his eyes saying in such a "know-it-all" teenage boy way, "This is all YOUR fault here, telling everyone you have a boyfriend without EVEN asking them what they thought!?!?! You are starting to act like Dana now." I snapped back quickly "Oh hell no, I am not trying cause ANY drama! I am a grown woman who knows her own life goals and adventures ahead. I would proudly tell a complete stranger what I am "up to" these days with no shame!"
Derek sighed helplessly, "I didn't have time to shower or get ready to leave the house!?!" I chuckle and nod proudly "No, shit. I didn't invite you so I can see why ya didn't plan to hang out with me and Tony today...." 
He burst out angerily "I am not sure you know what a big deal ALL of this is!?!?!?....you were suppose to be doing the whole courtship thing, Mom said that you agreed to not to date so this now makes you look sneaky!?!?!"
 I snapped back at him "I never agreed to her, I just let her talk on and on about it, until I suddenly realized THIS is my future here not hers! AND I like dating, it's peaceful to have one to one conversations without a million and one questions, without all the distractions around a dinner table with everyone, I get to spend time with MY boyfriend to see if I even want to invite him out for a family dinner or not. SO it doesn't matter how Mom and Dad feel about this because it's MY future not theirs."
    Derek shrugged from the passenger seat "I am just saying this is why mom sends me out with you every time, because she thinks you are up to no good. How do we even know we can trust this guy???" 
I chuckled at how honest Derek was being, he was sharing what him and Mom talk about when I am not around. 
I admired him for that because for all the years in the past...our sister Dana and I always knew he was Mom's favorite spy. We knew how the game was played.
So as I drove on out to Tony's house that Saturday afternoon I realized that I liked knowing what was really going all on around me with my family.
I thoughtfully shared back to Derek who sat frustrated and worried "Look, I am a smart person when it comes to judging the kind of people I want to hang out with. AND when it comes to knowing what is right or wrong for me I am smart about that too. I don't shy away from saying exactly what I think, SO if I can't trust my boyfriend then I will kick him to the curb without a second thought. I didn't just go out one day because I was bored and randomly decide to have a boyfriend, I knew it would upset EVERYONE (except Grandma Norma she just loves him) I knew it would make everyone uncomfortable for awhile when I decided to make it public that Tony and I are now really dating. He knows what all my rules are, he knows what I believe in, and what I have planned for my life. He is very respectful in still wanting to be around me even though I am not compromising in an way of who I am. Just give him a chance at the next family dinner....you'll see he is very smart and very sweet. AND keep in mind that I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't good like that." Derek sighed and tilted his head "But Mom thinks you should court someone from OUR church instead. There are a lot of new single men there, it's safer. " I laughed fully and winked back at my brother "Oh dear God, I know that she says that, but I have spend some time around those guys, I didn't feel all that safe at times and I sure as hell am not going to marry someone just because we went to the same church! I know Mom has all her own ideas of who I was going to be when I grew up....she told me all about the other day actually, and I realized while listening to her that I am the only one who knows what is best for myself." Derek added quickly "and God, God knows what is best for you too." I smiled and sighed realizing Derek was still holding on so tightly to the way our family once was, back when we were just kids.
I decided to enjoy the whole day with my brother Derek shadowing behind me every where, I drove on out towards town thinking about how my new boyfriend Tony was going to be able to handle this sudden change of my mom sending Derek along with us to the movies.
I smiled to myself thinking "This could be interesting to watch how he treats my family."
       The conversations between Tony and Derek were instantly a long diatribe of what they each knew about a certain topic. 
I sat back as we headed back out to the movies, I drank my ice coffee while also listening to the radio, laughing at them or chiming into their long discussions/debates. Those 2 guys were not stopping any time soon in such conversations.
While Tony was a good sport with having Derek around that day, and Derek was clearly on a mission to find fault with Tony. He was looking for ANYTHING that was compromising in this new guy in our lives. 
          I patted Tony's arm saying "Derek isn't in charge here." whenever we sat alone for a moment, Tony snorted back "Well he sure as hell is acting like the boss of you." I grinned in understanding and winked back at Tony "Welcome to my family, this is just how it is." He shook his head in confusion to my calm confident self.
              As we drove back to Tony's home that night after the movie, Tony drove my car with Derek in the backseat watching Tony's every move very carefully, I simply delighted in the summer smells, the heated discussions the 3 of us had had through out the outing and my sharp sense of real adventures ahead in our young lives. 

I liked that we 3 were all together in my car under the night's sky.

         Tony suddenly challenged us "Does your Mom not realize you are almost 21 years old? Does she NOT know how ridiculous she is being? What does she think that you are still in high school?Do you not realize she is manipulating you???" I laughed out loud "Of course I know, I know all the games my mother plays. Why do you think it's so important to me in NOT playing games? and I would NEVER dream of dating in high school, Good god! what would be the point? I would of been way to young for marriage!" Tony looked to the side as he drove on, he looked at me as if I were from another planet!
While Derek sat in the backseat listening and watching. He was nodding his approval to me for handling my self as Tony seemed to grow more annoyed by the whole event of the day in suddenly having my brother with us.
 As he tried to understand us better, as he tired to figure out what kind of parents we had. He felt like he was being "tested" against his will, he drove on through town suddenly showing off a bit, suddenly acting like he didn't have to "prove himself." because he already knew that he was "cool." then just as he jerked the car around he miss judged the curb of the sidewalk next to the road and my hubcap went flying off into the country side of darkness. 
I burst out laughing at the humor I saw in slow motion like cartoon drawing as a piece of my car just flew away! 
Tony was clearly embarrassed and Derek flew off the handle, I waved Derek out of the car with me after he said to Tony "What were you THINKING!?!?!" Tony sat there helplessly surprised by how fast my car could suddenly move.
I was stilling giggling as I said to Tony "We'll be right back, no worries! we just go get the hubcap out there!"
Derek went off to me "How could let HIM drive your car!?!?! How could put us all in such DANGER on the road!?!?!? He's CRAZY, he's reckless, he should NOT be driving YOUR car! and I really don't think he's all that smart." 
I burst out laughing again as Derek and I walked through the dark wide open field where we last saw that hubcap spin off into the darkness, with only the summer moon above I could see my brother's face of fury and alarm.
I walked beside him realizing he didn't see the humor in any of this! not like I did, so I replied back quickly "Oh no, Tony is very smart.....he is mostly book smart though, I have noticed that social smarts is a stronger trait in me. I am always learning something new from him though. We have such a great debates, we have so much in common, really we do!" Derek walked around looking for my lost hubcap saying "You shouldn't let him drive your car, look what just happened!" I smiled and nodded knowingly explaining "He was just showing off for a moment and I have already told him not do that, I hate being around people who show off. So he is worried right now about all of this, just look back at his face and see that he does feel bad to loose my hubcap out here!" Derek paused for a moment after all his venting, I smiled proudly at my concerned brother as we trucked through the tall weeds in the darkness, Derek exclaimed as we had not yet found my missing hubcap "This is impossible to find out here and it's dangerous!" I nodded as I said "Well make sure when you give Mom a full report about tonight that you tell her how I said I would NOT be clear out here all by myself, it's only because YOU are with me that I am even trying to find it....and try not to bitch Tony out anymore, okay?' Derek burst out in protest "What are you talking about? I don't report back to Mom!?!?!?" I tossed my head back at him replying "HA! whatever dude." He was fuming once again with his hands on his hips standing strong and in front of me as he exclaimed "I don't spy for Mom! and if I did it's ONLY because she cares about you and needs to know is happening right now in your life.....and I don't "bitch" people out I "chew" them out especially when they are in the wrong!" I shrugged walking pass Derek back towards the headlights of my car, I realized this was an important moment in our lives, a defining of who we were now as adulthood had arrived. I turned back to Derek who was reluctantly following me "I don't care if you report me back to Mom and Dad, say whatever you need to say to them. For I know who I am, I know what I stand for and what I want my life to look like as I move forward. So don't worry about me, for I will NEVER be in an abusive relationship not even after I get married! and I will NEVER EVER find myself unwantingly pregnant! Perhaps even more important for you to know is that if I discover down the road that Tony is horrible to our kids if we start up a family then I will do anything and everything to protect those kids above ALL else....I am not afraid of "come what may." I know who I am and how I will react to craziest scenario in the future, so don't worry about me, I am a strong smart person." Derek walked beside me looking all around at the darkness of the wide open field listening carefully to me as I jumped back into the car where Tony waited and worried. I smiled cheerfully "Well, looks like we couldn't find it out there at all." Derek slid into the back seat leaning right in between Tony and I adding "And so now my sister has to drive a car with one hubcap missing!?!?! What do YOU have to say for yourself?" Tony looked so alarmed then rather annoyed as he said very straight forward right into the rear view mirror back at Derek "I am going to go home and order her a replacement from online." Derek folded his arms and sat back impressed by Tony's direct look. Derek said "Good Answer." I burst out laughing again as I could see Tony steaming in the equal levels that Derek was against each other.
The tension, the quietness in the car as we 3 drove on back to Tony's home made me suddenly burst out into smiles, winks and a song....I wanted my boyfriend and my brother to relax and realize I wasn't as upset about all of this as they were. 
So under the starry summer sky, as the wind blew into the little car with a missing hubcap, I sang at the top of my lungs with my arms waving out ".....AND we can drive it Hooooooome, with ONE hubcap!....missing. Hahahahahahaha" Tony and Derek both shook their heads at me as I smiled back at them so proud of my cute cleverness! 

Sunday, June 11, 2017

One gas tank


       It was the early summer of my 20th year, when I bought my very first car, a four door 1992 white geo metro for 3 thousands dollars. It had been my Grandma's car then needed a whole new engine so with my savings I was able to buy it from her and get it fixed up to hit the road!
My brother Derek and I were excited the evening our father drove it home, the sun was about to set for the evening out  into the horizon surrounding our farmland. I was jumping up and down in my excitement to have my very own car! I was clapping my hands and squealing, Derek was impressed too since we rode around together every where usually.
For up to this moment I had been driving "The Titanic." our old family car, a 1979 chevy caprice classic in which held 4 people in the back and 4 people in the front if we needed. 
I drove that car called "The Titanic."  from the age of 17 to 20, with the duck tape side door and open wires to touch in order to roll down the window. I used colorful blankets to keep the back seat from falling apart and it always smell like vanilla even thought I never revealed where the air freshener was! HA!
(For I liked being classy in my classic huge worn out car as much as I could) Of course I was always proud of my wheels whatever they were but then I bought my very own car and it changed my life!
That new little Geo was just my size!
My brother Derek and I jumped into it the moment our father said it needed gas and from now on I was responsible for it.
So we hit those country roads with our windows rolled down, with the summer time smell of mint fields surrounding us as we headed out to the near by small town of Homedale Idaho to get gas for my new car!
What a magical night that was! 
As Derek jumped out to pump the gas I went into the store to pay with my usual budgeted gas money, I said to the clerk in my usual cheerful way "I'm paying for gas at pump 2. That's my new car!" the clerk nodded saying "That will be $9.95." I explain "Oh no, I am filling it all the way this time." The clerk glanced back at the register saying "Okay....so it's still 9.95?" I was confused so I leaned through the glass doors telling my brother Derek who was putting the pump back in place. "Hey, Hey, Go ahead and fill it all the way up." He walked towards me nodding his head explaining "I already did." The clerk at the register was waiting for me to pay as I stood there in surprise that Derek had already finished pumping gas. I turned back to the register as it read "$9.95." I was bewildered as I handed over my cash to the clerk while Derek stood beside explaining "I just assumed you wanted to filled all the way so I did that. Ya know, Geo metros get great gas mileage so that will help ya save more money from now on too." I was so surprised by all the cash I got back from my 20 dollar bill that I squealed and jumped up and down again even hugging Derek while he looked amused at me shaking his head and chuckling as I exclaimed "THIS is the GREATEST night EVER!" 
The whole gas station of people coming and going where laughing at me as I explained "MY car, my wonderful new car only takes 10 bucks to fill! YIPPY! HOORAY! Look at ALL this money I got back!?! I can't believe this!!!???" 
The clerk was chuckling and Derek was trying to quiet me down while still smiling as I declared "Derek, YOU can buy anything you want in here! Anything you ever wanted to try it's yours! It's my treat, I have all this extra cash now for treats, for ANYTHING in here! Oh wow! Yippy! Ooooooh I love you new car, I love you so much!" Derek didn't waste any time grabbing 2 candy bars and 2 sodas as we hit the road for I was truly happy for in my old car IF I filled it completely full it was around 30 or 40 dollars so this new vehicle only cost me under 10 bucks! It simply blew my mind, Oh what a night to remember! I still had cash in my pocket!
Derek unwrapped my candy bar for me as I drove out into the summer night feeling excited about our safe full tank of gas drive all over the country side before our curfew. The summer time stars were out while the country music played as we burped loudly over our sodas while laughing together along those wide open roads! Derek said with a smirk "You would of thought that you had won the lottery, the way you jumped up and down in getting cash back." I explained with a proud smile "Well, I have never gotten change back before usually they would tell me that I am 5 dollars short so I have to run out to my emergency cash in order to pay for gas, so this is WONDERFUL! This is going to be a GREAT car and This is also a great night to remember!" Derek nodded and said "Thanks for the treats by the way........although you won't save any money if you do that EVERY time." We laughed as I drove us on home.


Monday, June 5, 2017

James Blunt-Beautiful dawn







Friday, June 2, 2017

2 Thumbs Up!

  It's has been a sad emotional week, I have step out into the world a bit more aware of how important it is to be this strong after crying even a bit longer, I think of how silly most things are now in comparison to all the hurt I feel and all the hurt I know.

  It's a different story once again as I live, a different way to think and speak.

I have noticed in those I love all around me hurting that my arms are strong and steady, I know how it feels to cry out all this pain,  that need to just fall to the ground and stay there awhile.....
so if they need me to keep them up then I will hold on to them all the better in my understanding.

There is nothing wrong with just being on the ground for awhile though........
for tears, for loss and for pain. 
 I just lay down and look up into the sky,
I cry. 

2 thumbs up for Ben! This has been such a sad week, a new sad story to carry so close in my heart....always!

The sky is blue today and I look up 
wondering if Ben has found my brother Derek, for they both had a desire to be outside and to give, to help everyone else around them with that joy, with that generous love! 


Monday, May 29, 2017

Sudden Death

It hurts like hell.

It hurts in our souls, in our blood burning like fire and aching like we are hungry but can't eat at the very same time.
It feels like we turn into water, weakness in simply just standing.

It feels like we are trapped against a wall, screaming and hitting it with all our mighty strength only to realize it will NEVER break.

It feels like we never knew anything to begin with in ourselves or in our life stories.

It was ALL so important as we lived through it but now we are looking back in slow motion, in true awareness of what it was.....because we didn't know just how important it was. We never thought it would be so different as sudden death takes our breath away!

It feels like our chest will burn in fire of rage, burn in our sense of injustice!

THIS IS WRONG.

......and it ALWAYS will be........

Our friends lost their son, Benjamin Michael Dorman.  
......in the arms of love we gathered together, in the arms of love we helplessly held onto each other.
           
        Through sudden death he left us.....and we cried.



Saturday, May 27, 2017

Sometimes we cry







Friday, May 26, 2017

The end of Light

             My Siblings and I had a very stressful time through our teen years, with lots of changes back then not just with our own growing bodies, but there lots of stress/drama with our parents that finally in the evenings especially after a bad dinner time with lots of craziness, we teenagers would escape out into the orchards or the foothills to get away for a bit of peacefulness before bed time. 
I had a regular spot where I walked up the side of our Grandparent's home to watch the wide open sunset unfold......
Sometimes as I sat watching out over the landscape when my brother Derek would find me and I would be so annoyed at the sight of him "IF you sit here with me then be quiet, don't be preachy right now." He rolled his eyes at me and sarcastically say "And You are sooooo perfect, yourself." 
I sat silently with my hand up to stop his talking "This is my quiet reflecting time....be quiet if you sit here with me." I stared ahead hoping to not miss a single sun beam or color change in the sky.
He chuckled to himself "This is coming from YOU?" 
I sighed sadly watching the sunset so beautiful stretched out in front of us as we sat there together for a moment and I stated out loud  "Being a teenager totally sucks..." Derek sat beside me nodding his head with a smirk explaining with a chuckle "I knew you couldn't just sit here and not speak." I looked at him sheepishly and nodded, "I know! if you weren't here I would be quiet...I would! But I just don't like growing up it's so scary that these sunsets help me know it will be okay after all."
Derek looked at his watched even more amused "SEE, you are still talking more then me! I would have you know that I can sit here and not say a single word, but YOU can't." I playfully pushed him to the side and shared "I can't just ignore you, that would be rude and I have a lot on my mind that is why I come here to sort it all out without distractions." Derek kept his watch up to his face and pointed not responding but still communicating how long I was still talking and I pause in mid-sentence in realizing how we were missing the sunset hour. I frozen in a funny face and then quickly sat back to watch the horizon stretching out all around us as  
we both chuckled over the moment on the hillside while the night slowly came into the farmland below us.
So in peaceful quietness we sat side by side dangling our legs in the soft cool dirt side sloping down into the fruit orchards towards the irrigation canal that opened up towards the end of light, the setting sun.
We waited there before we had to return to our curfew back at home, we just sat there enjoying all the colors of the closing day.


.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Crying

It's the first thing we ever do the moment we are born.

We cry, we can't form words of our needs......so we make the first kind of noise to pronounce that we are now alive on this earth.
It's not laughter, it's not a speech or a satire comedy skit of our new life performance, no it's crying.
For the moment we are born yet not aware of our surroundings, completely dependent upon the one who gave birth to us, we cry.
We are born crying in our way of communication, so why as we grow older we grow uncomfortable with crying? Are we putting expectations on ourselves to not NEED anyone else anymore? Are we embarrassed to feel like a baby again? Is it our own thoughts or is it society that makes us all try not to cry in response to being alive?

I have learned lately to just simply say "I am sorry to make you feel uncomfortable...but I am crying now."
I understand in myself this can not be held back, nor would I want to hide it.
So if the people around me say that they are uncomfortable by my crying I simply walk away from them in respect. Life is way to short to be around anyone who isn't kind or compassionate.

Crying is like breathing for me, it always has been this way since I was born, as happy and playful as I was as a kid I also understood sadness and loss. 
AND I hated goodbyes with family. 
My mother would explain to those around us back when I was little girl "Debby cries over everything.....", she would get so annoyed at me for being so dramatic in my fear of never seeing my cousins again, I really did hate goodbyes.

I guess as a teenager I used crying over a sad movie to help me deal with my hormones and stress in growing up.

So it hit me that other day as I walked the park that I will cry for the rest of my life now. I rather thought one day I won't cry anymore but that's not true.....it's impossible actually for me to arrive to a place in my life where I have no tears, I will miss all those who have died in my life as I live on....so it's impossible to not cry for long.
I had this thought in the park and it gave me such peace of mind!
"I was born crying and now I will die crying....and that is quite alright with me."

For the truths in living are real like that of pain and suffering, fear and guilt, shame and regret, stress and panic, anger and sickness, injustices and destruction....simply put it comes down to feeling totally helpless while being alive. 
We cover all the truths in life with distractions and goals to reach for each day to help us find peace and love again along the way. 

I think that with Hope we stay alive through the really shitty times, we see the need in others around us in order to not just give up, to not just lay down and cry ourselves to death. 
We have to have a reason through all these truths of being alive in order to live on in awe, and in true wonder of the world!

Like a marble from the movie "Inside Out." our emotions help us be the best we can be, they give us such depth to ourselves.

Now I understand that I will cry every single day for the rest of my life, and I am completely okay with that because I can FEEL such amazing awe in being alive and notice what happiness is even better when the day comes along that is so lovely after all these truths and after all of this sadness.

My brother Derek grinned at me saying "Oh come on Uncle Tony, don't ya want a sticky hug from your nephew?" Just as my husband leaned back in horror from our sister's messy kid as Derek and I laughed together. My Family dinners were often very much like that, lots of noisy kids and birthday cake that our mom had baked. While our father talked about the dramas at his work or the stupidity of politics. Sometimes Derek and I chimed in or support each other's view....
Looking back it was usually a lively family time as we sat around the stretch out kitchen table late into the evenings back in those days.....feels like it was just yesterday.

My brother Derek stood crying while listening to the doctor tell us all in the ICU that if our mother stayed like this she would simply die, so brain surgery could save her. It was in this very sad moment I notice that my brother cried in a calm strong way, while each of us older siblings put our arms around the younger sibling the 6 of us paired up and held on tightly to this news, it was like we all had this rush of tears at the very same time. 

My brother Derek was displayed so gently at the front of the funeral home that when I saw him, I wasn't so afraid anymore, I let everything go that was held up inside of me and I silently walked up to him deeply wanting to hug him and wake him up from death saying "Hey there Bro, Oh My sweet sweet mountain man!" Instead crying was the best way to let go of everything I wanted to say to him, crying was the best feeling when hugged or when standing beside my other family members in support on the saddest day of our lives. 

and now Crying is what helps me heal from such pain in this huge loss in my life, and I will never be able to change or fix this story back to a happy ending, so I get it now.......I completely understand and get it, I accept it most importantly, this is me in my honest tears.
For I was born crying and practice all through my life to stand beside my brother's coffin with my 3 other brothers leaning into me as I sadly said "I have all 4 of my brothers here in my arms one last time, for the last time."

I simply let the tears fall like rain, and let myself never be the same.........................




Monday, May 22, 2017

Phillip Phillips - Home




             As I went on a bike ride yesterday with my husband and his family for a belated  Mother's day event for his Mom. I got to thinking about how nice it is to be outside riding through the old school Boise, the lovely morning sun light against the trees I held onto my bike grateful for the event, grateful for such a relaxing stroll as I can't keep my list of worries in check right now, everything happens at once sometimes, and I can't get my time back. 
It's now or it's gone, that is real life.
     
I'm glad that my husband has his family, their friendships and their joking around together makes me smile as I pedal on down the lovely magical world of the Boise river.....

It's not going to get any easier the older I get in the more people I will miss from my life.....

I am home in myself, where ever I go or whoever is around me I feel truly blessed to have a sharp mind full of happiness in the great pain of loss and sorrow. I am as I am in now, in right now. I like who I am in my own head that sometimes I wish to just stay there talking to myself instead of facing the future HA!

In my home today I walk in the sun light and cry again for there is so much more to my life then I can capture!


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Running Wild

               
                 It was a few days before my brother's sudden death, it was like another life time ago but lately I have been remembering it better.....I was very focused on my husband's stressful bar exam, making sure he had good sleep and nutrition, staying his cheerleader and encouragement while handling everything else back at home. He didn't have to worry about anything else just enjoying his evenings home before going back. I liked staying organized, I liked walking each dog at the park and brushing out each cat with their medicines and cozy clean bedding.  All the cooking and dancing to the music in our perfect home.....Running around to the gas station, store, bank and pet food store kept me on top of my list of responsibilities.

And then I had a dream......

It was cold in my dream, it was strangely familiar the person I was talking to knew me very well but I didn't know him or her I felt like there was no distinction to this tall figure in my dream covered in layers of fabric like a robe with all these layers and shadows....my dream was so cloudy as if a bad storm was waiting above us as we walked through my veggies garden. He said to me "You understand what magic is, you understand what is important in this life time. You shouldn't worry about those who don't get it. You will face the storm stronger for knowing you were right about magic it is every where and you see it!" my heart was racing in the awe of this dream and I felt truly happy. I felt like nothing was wrong with the world....that I didn't have to save anyone anymore! 
I felt purely happy with this tall mysterious being as his arms felt like a woman's arms soft and beautiful for we walked to the front of my home so happy by the real sparkling specks of magic twinkle all around us. I smiled and said "I can see it even more clearly right now! How wonderful! Without magic nothing would exist, nothing could hold all of this together....could it???" My steps up to my patio were moving in many different colors and hidden flower patterns I was truly delighted!

Then as this tall feminine man stood right beside me facing out over my front yard herb garden shadowed by the storm clouds above us while everything sparkled a rush of cold cold wind blew in my face and I was instantly afraid as a herd of wild horses ran by, they ran right down the street in front of us and I screamed out "NO! Stop! They'll get hit by all the cars out there!" my fear had returned to needing to save them, then sun light burst out on them as they ran into the air disappearing before they could reach the street ahead and I felt suddenly aware "HEY! I know those horses! I have seen them before in my dream back visiting Benny! Those are the same horses running in the mesa above us! How did they get HERE in town????" The wise tall person who had been walking with me shared "They are YOUR horses, they have come to help you in this storm." I felt so happy and proud to recognize them and to see them again! 
"MY horses?? I have horses?? How wonderful! I love them so much! They should stay out in the wild though, where it's safer for them." I smiled so big standing there looking at the front of my home where this very tall person was waiting for me, the shadow of the clouds above me suddenly released the rain fall.  I just stood there with my arms wide open! Then I was getting cold so I reach for my sweater just as I realized something about this whole event I said very clearly to the figure beside me "Something very bad is going happen isn't it? That's why these horses have come into town to be with me? and why you have come to tell me to always remember that magic is real? Something very very bad is about to happen isn't it?" I felt deflated and not as happy as before.... He proudly said to me "Yes, good job and now you know. Benny can't be here for you only the horses can." 
I step into my herb garden feeling completely helpless once again saying "No, I don't want this storm here anymore! Where did the sunshine go???" Just as the thunder burst out and a flash of lightening crashed right over my house as I looked up from the garden in true fear... then I woke up into real time and real life saying out loud to myself "MY Horses!"
so I got up to drink water and let my dog out and my cat in, just like every night at 3am, (my pets all have their own routines of course.) The dream stayed with me as I sat there waiting for my dog to come back inside,  I was feeling happy, despite the fearful storm I was impressed I had wild horses in my dreams again! I really did feel very safe in my real time once again.

Of course looking back I had no idea how important that dream would be in the days ahead!
I had no idea how bad the storm truly was!
I had no idea how deeply sad I was about to get.....
....for the wind that these horses created said "you can't stop time, you can't change fate." It's in my face cold and strong moving forward not backwards!
     They reminded me of being strong in the storm, for within the seconds as I was told that my brother Derek had died, I fell to the floor weaker then I ever knew was possible, 
I screamed out my sudden pain to the very beat of their hooves against the street, to the wild wind they left behind!

I realized in that dream my horses had come for me, warning me, helping me by carrying away some of this great pain!

How magical that I know them, that I recognized them from another dream I had in the past!
 For they knew exactly what they were doing as they ran right by my home, with storm clouds circling all around us!

I can picture them waiting for me to join them on the mesa to run wild and free once again maybe even be very happy all together like that?............................perhaps one day.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Lights and Dreams




Dear Derek, 
Whenever I heard this song I think of you in the golden sun light of the day on the snowy slopes in your perfect form gliding with the snow, making it look so easy, just snowboarding down the mountain.

Whenever this song plays on I smile thinking about being teenagers together!
I feel the importance of it all now that you had left the mountain side forever......I would of never thought much about it again it was just the way you were snowboarding through the winters....camping in the summers....

Whenever ever I stop to picture and remember you in the best sense of adventure, this song gives way to the wind and speed you zoomed on by me as I smile proudly "Good Job Derek, Good job my brother! You made me almost want to learn how to snowboard...almost.   
I'll hold my ski poles a bit closer to me as I stop to watch ya, as I stop to remember just how gracefully fast you sure would go!"

I remember teasing you about being on your butt in the snow way to much that it almost seemed like you fell over and can't get back up without a ski pole like I had! Ha!
 I remember when you very first started snowboarding how I would just shake my head at ya and say "Snowboarders are so annoying!" You just grinned and nodded replying "That's my goal!" I will always remember those early days on the slope as we kids just trying to figure out how everything worked. And how You took on snowboarding with such confidence that 20 years later you made it look truly Awesome! 
...Just like this song as you feel each turn while listening to the music!

I will always look up at the Lights of Bogus Basin and remember how you loved the Night time hours up there!

Lights and dreams,
Love and hugs,
Your sister


Sunday, May 14, 2017

Last year




I've been home today, cold and cuddly with all my pets. 
My husband was saying how strange just one year later everything is different, is changed.
I will always remember last year for Mother's day as I decorate my front patio with flowers in the warm sunshine we sat out there all day!
I had my parents and my 4 brothers over for shrimp scampi and long conversations about politics. My Mother enjoyed a cozy chair surrounded by flowers of spring,it was such beautiful day,  I go back so easily for it was great to see my husband chatting with my father as my brothers all enjoyed sitting side by side.

Last year was so magical, so important to me in having us there in my home.  
Today I stayed away from the patio as it's cold and nothing is really growing that good yet.....
I understand how now one brother will never return to sit with me there again.
So I'm left staying in, feeling tired and sad. Yet only last year on this holiday it was very different in activities and conversations.

I love being home. I love having these memories and these moments of pure peace as I hope next year has some warmth to it.


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Roaring

          It's a family trait, a family biological gift to have strong lungs from birth in crying to shouting over a huge family dinning room table for any ol' political discussion. From yelling out that dinner is ready and to commanding everyone to leave. I have seen many of my family members produce a strong volume level as I grew up among the many noisy kids. I liked my big loud family, they said what they meant and meant what they said. Who I am today comes from their influences and honesty. I am straight forward, honest with strong lungs. I will never be afraid of conflict because I was forced to face such scary and difficult situations growing up, I avoided conflict as a teenager/young adult until I realized that avoidance doesn't help change the way things are.

I have been using that same mindset while being so angry that my brother has died. I want to speak up and change it, "NO! I said NO and I MEAN IT."   My no has always stood strong and firm, always. (Ask any kid who spent the day walking around downtown with me, ask my husband he always laughs when I just say "Nope." with no other explanation. He replies with amusement knowing me so well explaining "That means you will not compromise and if you have explain why then I'm not very smart.")  

I have always felt that being straight forward is better then hiding or living in fear....as an older adult it gives me such strength and peace of mind to not be misunderstood, to not be caught up in silly dramas and to simply enjoy life right now.

I have been thinking a lot about my past all the different adults, all the different situations for what they shared about their lives. I learned a great deal from my own parents but I also learned from their parents and many siblings. I am grateful for the life lessons so early in my life, I am in awe over how vital each person was to me.

I can still be uniquely me while carrying their love with me, I can be apart of my husband's life and his own family with all this history in me from my own people. I like feeling like family with whoever I am with! I like being there in support, in connection and in stability. Because we have no control of the future, we have no control over our families actually......so to love each other just as we are is the best feeling I have ever experienced. Now this doesn't mean that you are stuck with those around you, who may or may not respect you. It doesn't mean that they have to agree with you. It means that you understand now time will always run out and come to a final end....So why not make what we have be the best it can be until it's gone?...right now is all we actually have....
Because when it ends as it did with my brother Derek, then the best memories will and can win out!

I can still protest, and still raise my voice to roar back against the ocean waves of time, face death in resentment and rage.
I can still be mad, be annoyed that this has all happened to my family and I..... (For It hurts like hell)
I can feel through all the levels of this great grief and circle back around to shouting out again "NO, NO, NO, Do you hear me God? I said NO."
For I still meant it with ALL of my heart, if God was a person I would have no problem in saying this to his face. 
I would have no fear of him, I know my brother's death was wrong to do if God is in control at all.
 I am an honest and real person who will not waste time in conversation or in conflict. I would get to the point with God!

And in my rage I find that I am not afraid of God if he is real, if he gets to bully on like this I will still get in his face, in all his golden glory or while he's wearing his crown I would still point my finger at him and say "NO." just like my father did to me when I was misbehaving.
I am not afraid of anger, I am not afraid to scream at the top of my lungs and hit the ground. I am not afraid to fight back and to protect those I love....even though God gets the last say for everything, if he is even paying attention or really in charge....I know how I think and feel, and I own it completely, this is me.
My rage should never hurt another soul, my words should never be mean as I feel like going to battle to bring my brother back!
My frustration and irritation is a very real thing, I hope I can curb it as I get through this.
I hope I can see the peaceful utopia out there, I hope I can help better the world not destroy it with my heated strength and roaring set of lungs.

This is real for me, this is painful no matter what day it is. Sadness mixed with helpless gratefulness, Anger mixed with hurtful awareness, Panic mixed with the need to protect against the fearful future. And most importantly a sense of self changing no bullshit, just stay real and stay focus because time is always running out. It will never be fair, never to be right that death comes to our end. That death hurts those we love. We can roar on against it, try to be smart enough to avoid it and keep our arms open for those who have to still live through it.......I have no new answers now after Derek is gone, I only have my emotions and my thoughts in that I will miss him all the rest of my life!
 I want it on record, I want it to be known how I said NO to this event. 
How I raged against the dying of the light, How I roared like the lion I feel inside in my protest against his sudden death, I want it on record this is my strong set of lungs against the truth of such sadness in still being alive.