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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Going for Coffee

Now it was true the coffee drink had to have flavor, whip cream and sprinkles for my girl Benny. It wasn't so much going out for coffee but instead going out for conversation was her enjoyment. The drink it was anything sweet but the friends to sit and chat was what she loved the most.
We had THIS in common, we were opposite, we were from different worlds....we were best friends, we were like sisters! (If not better then that)

Benny squealed "NO! No pictures!"
She set her Frappuccino on the table of the Moxie Java in Caldwell, Idaho on that nice warm first of fall evening. "Debby, I swear if you snap one more picture I will break that!" I held my camera back with a giggle leaning out of her reach by a tiny bit.
"Oooooh now come on! Don't you want to remember these days of being young and free in a coffee shop?" Benny sat down shaking her head at me with her hand to block her face "You don't get it, this is not the normal "Life of the party" hanging out at a coffee shop is not living recklessly my dear..." I sat down across from her and smiled "SEE here! THIS place is MY kind of party! who needs loud music and alcohol? I love simply just THIS!" My hand swept across the wide open room, the fireplace in the corner made the warmly painted walls glow, the red couch set looked inviting and calming in front of those fall roasting flames. The loud cheer of Carlos interrupted us from our table talk, he walked through the door with arms straight up in the air "LADIES! I AM HERE!" He said and the rest of the coffee shop activities kept moving on while Benny and I threw our heads back to laugh at him. He hugged us both and swung around the place as if he was a super hero. Jason walked in behind him with rolling eyes and quietly sat down at our table "I had to bring him, once he heard you girls were here he wasn't staying home." Jason looked back over his shoulder as Carols danced around the coffee shop spatting romantic poetry. I replied "He's been saying that he is in love, Carlos has a girl he left back home...." Benny cut me off in her fast wit "He's obsessed with that girl lately, Debby and I had to listen for 3 hours of how IN-LOVE he is last night.......after awhile Debby says "Well, I've never met someone who is still in high school who actually thinks they are in love." I laughed so hard, I had to....oh Jason you know Debby, I waited till Carlos went to the restroom to tell her, that he could just be acting, ya know wanting to be the center of the conversation for a good show. She was really surprised I think she believes he is in love!" Jason nodded annoyingly and chuckled as Benny filled him in. Carlos was Jason's foreign exchange student with his sister off into her first year of college Carlos moved in from Mexico. Those late nights meeting at the coffee shop became a ritual for the four of us, we had many other friends come and go but that table of four had us chilling, usually all of us rode home in my car so the laughter, jokes and constant drama between how different Jason and Carlos were unfolded. When a song came on the radio Benny who always rode "shot gun" would turn it up and tell the boys in the back to stop talking, then we would sing at the top of our lungs until it Carlos would add like a tag note to our moment of fun "I like only love songs right now." Jason, Benny and I would groan in our mutual protest.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Stubborn Death

"So I will be there the 21rst to the 3rd...when I can see you? or better yet just come back with me on the 3rd to Chicago!" Benny said as I chuckled  in my reply back as I folded the clothes on the bed "I'll just come over this weekend and help ya when you know what's going on, or what you may need to pack? You know we really should sit and just talk over a beer maybe......OR we'll make it a girls night and hit Jackpot while I'm out there too!! hahaha" She chuckled back and I said a casual bye because when you are such close friends, chatting on the phone, texting or facebook messages are simple like will always stay connected so why the long drawn out goodbyes? Instead her friendship was apart of my everyday life even if the miles kept us apart.....
I was so use to always instantly calling her, to all our long late night phone conversations about life, death and happiness. To my quick text simple questions or to our long FB messages, to our many many jokes, to our 15 years of memories....
To the last free Friday she had before flying out to Ireland for training in her new job back in this February she called explaining "This road is driving me crazy! There is this HUGE snow storm! I wish I were there in Boise RIGHT NOW to be with my Debster but sadly I'm going to have to turn back...." I looked outside at the sunlight feeling my excitement for the whole day to spend with her disappearing as I explained "What how odd it's sunny here! Frickin' Twin always horrid weather I swear...WELL Guess I will just have to come visit you more now in Chicago! Darn!" We both laughed then chatted awhile about how nice it is to have all these other ways of communication then it doesn't feel like we are ever really apart.......we both refused to say a final goodbye...EVER. It was more of a "See you soon." or "I'll call ya tomorrow." kind of friendship...

This morning my beloved Benny died of a heart attack and I am the one stunned over how there is NO texting in this stubborn death, there is no smiley faces or tongue sticking out jokes, no quick chatting walls, no more shared pictures or tags of hanging out with each other in really fun places....there is no more me racing to her and crying out "OooooH Benny what do I do?!?!" In my usual silly helpless ways as she would calmly replied back in her usual steady form "You go kick some ass Deb...You are good at kicking ass remember?" I would snap back into confidence with a huge laugh because my Benny girl was no nonsense and always very clever!

This morning I went to our usual coffee shop after I learned of her sudden death, I had to be alone for a few long hours in familiar places she and I used to be......
I could hear her say "Oh man what a day, I don't look forward to any of this, having deal with all this drama......having to tell people." I smiled to myself through my tears as I thought of what she would say about all of this, IF she had been right there in that familiar chair......

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Stubborn Love

My beloved June is almost gone...and I feel like time can't be stopped in the child like way that I love obtaining!
I feel like I am sitting in the back seat of a car watching the world move on by, This month has been colder then usual and sadly yesterday I walked under my neighbor's huge 60 year old cherry tree where last year I was picking them like crazy for her....
Nothing has really felt much like June, not even these summer evenings.....The world is lighter at night and the rain or wind will hit me in the face to say my actual summer is still out of my reach!
I am feeling rather misplaced, out of the normal way of existing.....instead of riding bikes and throwing water balloons I am wearing my big fuzzy sweater again and trying to get all my seeds to grow....perhaps I shouldn't compare each June to the last one?
There are no parades, no cherries, no long hikes or bike rides in this cool rainy weather. This June, My June is beautiful though and each day I've been working to paint, sew and garden hoping to feel the deep true heat that I love so much! There is always next month and even always next year, always next June to bloom, to grow and to play even better!

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Theme Song

Shortly after my husband Tony was done with his first year of law school, he said "I want to watch all The Sopranos's been years."
It was a familiar sound and feeling when that theme song played one evening I came inside from gardening in the back yard.
I began to think about what music means for us, I instantly began to think of Italian foods and red wine just by the sound of this theme song....
It's been almost 3 years since I had pasta and now that I know how inflamed my body gets from it, I won't be cooking it any time soon.
When I hear this theme song I am transported to a different time in my life when I was a newlywed boiling water for spagetti and simmer tomatoes sauces over my white stove in the cozy clean little apartment as Tone shout out "It's ON!" then laughs because he knew how that bugged me, plates of food and our end of day routine with this tune playing was a delightful memory....I am not that same person after a decade now of life lessons yet I am still the very same in romantically looking at my time here on earth for all the things I love, for all the things I've done.
This is why we watch movies and shows, to escape from this life into another experience, to relax and just forget the world. It's the familiar comforts in those familiar tunes that can take us back to a place we've move on from.....
Woke up this morning for life will always keep going strong:-)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Happy Wanderer

When it comes to being the happy Wanderer I am easily made contented, I find peace that I never knew back as a kid. As a teenager I found those days to be the worse in my life....Looking back happiness became my saving grace! I found joy in caring over my pets when it felt no one cared over me.....

I think as the years go by I grow more and more aware of how important it is to let go and just BE.
There isn't any kind of mission, or job more important in living then simply just breathing and thinking good thoughts!
Dancing helps me shake my sad or mad feelings off, singing lets my voice be heard without needing to preach. I am on my way to living happily ever after, I believe that is such an easy idea to obtain. I would like to help anyone else who wants to give up the shadows of pain or grudges. To be Happy isn't in a text book, or in your bank account. To be happy is a biological drive since we were wee children in wanting to capture! Happiness and Joy go hand in hand for me, this happy kind of joy will fill your heart and soul even when something unhappy or bad unfolds....
In "The Sopranos" they mention the Happy Wanderer, that kind of person who doesn't have a heavy load to carry, the kind of person who doesn't have an endless job to make others feel good or be happy too. The reaction Tony Soprano has about these other people who are happy when he is not, when he sees the REAL world and they don't.....made me realize it can not be taught or given freely. People who are miserable, judgmental and stressed out can not simply be given the gift of freedom, laughter and love without finding it for themselves first.........(I can't save them from their suffering)
That episode taught me how I need to stop working so damn hard in sharing how I live my life as the Happy Wanderer, Sharing in how good I see everything!
People WILL judge me and hate me for being so happy, so calm and well balanced. The real world is ever so clear to me that is why I think it is very important to be happy as soon as you can learn how.....
I think life is way to short to let the hurtful words or judgement of others take me away from such a good good life I've created and of whom I'm very proud to be! 
Caring for others is a lesson in who wants my help and who doesn't, Being happy is such a wonderful magical feeling that I have learned to not burst out with it around just anyone.....Being considerate, being respectful and being wise is all apart of why I am happy, I figured it out that now I don't have to struggle in loosing my hope and my happiness by those who are not where I am.
I am the happy wanderer, the comforter and the joy, in all my fears and pain I can cultivate the things that are important to me, by understanding where others are coming from and owning who I am in the end.
Life is exactly what you make it, what you choose and will it to be. 
Come happily wanderer around with me!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Family

When it comes to family all bets are off! 
All normal society rules go out the door! In fact no one can say without guilt or struggle that family means NOTHING. 
(Unless of course you are a psychopath, a sociopath or have Border line personality disorder, then once AGAIN all bets are off for you can say that family means NOTHING to you.....)
The average normal person can't walk away from family even if that family hurts them beyond belief!
In This beloved TV drama of mine, "The Sopranos" the very first episode reveals a mother/son relationship that is both odd and extremely familiar to me......I am captivated instantly to this show because of it's uncomfortable familiar tones....
Was my mother this woman? Is THAT why I feel like Tony Soprano right now in this very first episode?!? 

I believe that as humans we are often drawn to things that brings us out of our shells, things that challenge us as a whole person we hope to obtain.
In fact our souls have lived many lives before our time, yet in this life force that we breath and carry along it's still learning something new.....

My mother she loved me when I was a baby.

My mother she loved me when I was a baby, a sweet little thing that needed her for every second of my breath....then I grew.
My mother she hated me for growing up.
It hurts to be judged, to be manipulated and not loved anymore once I first talked back to her and then my mother she gave up.
She gave up on me and how different I was from her.
My mother she hated getting old, hated getting less and less important in my life.
My mother I deeply loved her even when she hit me all those times.
She said horrible things about me that I had to carry for so long and then I did EXACTLY what Tony Soprano did in his TV drama show..... I blamed myself.
"Why are you so fast to blame yourself?" My husband asked as I cried.
He continued "You didn't give birth to 3 boys yet here you are saying how you should never have left them? Honey when where you to live your own life?  being happy isn't a shameful thing to need to let go of all those words your mother spit at you or this will eat you up in the end." I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes as I explained "All I ever wanted was a family who loved each other unconditionally and had each others back like in forever." My husband chuckled in looking at me "And what you got was a selfish family who wiped their feet on you of all people because you would never fight back, they threw you under the bus first because YOU let them....I guess what you wanted and what you allowed weren't going to agree." I shot up like I had been lit by a match with such furry and such sparks that I can get Tony Soprano, maybe I am this man? His character of struggling for acceptance and love with his own mother hit me to the core of my own soul!
I am this man if I really took a hard look at myself, I am the one bringing HUGE flower bouquets to a family that would rather I never came around ever again.........
IRONIC but true this show is one of my favorite because it is a reflective image of my own self struggling to carry my own family. I struggle to honor and respect my parents who do not like me at all....They didn't agree or accept me as I grew up and now even RIGHT NOW I still living with this idea of a "Family Code"
I am doomed just like Tony Soprano I am doomed, there isn't a way to bring more parental love into my life, that is ALL a part of history now, I can't win the golden cup or jump high enough to change anything now. Just like in history we can see how some people can't give up and walk away even when they clearly should......I am one of those peoples.....therefore I am doomed to repeat history....
I understand how I SHOULD have walked away completely along time ago, it hurts me inside to know the truth about my parents all along they never loved me with that unconditional love I have for them, yet in this I carry this fire and hope, reminding me of the wonderful movie "August Rush" I believe just as like that kid who always believed for against ALL odds his parents wanted him, I hang on to that idea also.... It's not the truth of course. I know it's not the truth but what is the truth? Can't I still cling to  what helps me be a better person instead?

Tony Soprano wanted his mother to liked him, he looked over and cared for a woman who was never going to let him "Off the hook" for anything. This is why I will always think this show is the BEST of all time because I can relate and can see the complicated levels of THE family.....
for all of us, it is different but kinda the one saw you naked like family, no one saw you struggle like family, no one saw you age and learn like family. The family is a huge level of emotional stories, of deeper relationships and history then in anything else we will ever conquer.
Family will or will not be there in the end when all is said and done.
We will learn to trust or to judge from what our parents say....we will learn and we will hurt, we will be comforted or abandon by family.
I liked the HBO TV series "The Sopranos" not because I cried from my own painful family that I carried inside but because I deeply related and recognized we are not alone in our ideas of what IS a family......we are born wanting the very same things before we grow up and change....

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Dreams

Watching the HBO TV drama series "The Sopranos" I noticed that capturing Tony Soprano's dreams were some of the very best episodes!
I have rarely came across a show or movie that captures the realistic scenes in our minds that happen like in when we actually dream. "The Sopranos" capture it perfectly AMAZINGLY like how I know my own dreams to unfold!

In those moments when we sleep our deeper revealing self is often discovered. In this show over the 6 seasons they captured and shared Tony Sopranos dreams with such honesty and real life feeling that I was left in awe as the viewer every time!
These episodes portrays his dreams in what he was facing or had to do when he woke up back to the real world.
Sometimes I wish I could stay in my own dreams when they are so clearly understood to me after I wake up, Tony himself in the show would lay there after a crazy connecting dream to the stresses in his life. The episode in last season when he falls into a coma is maybe the most powerful dream translation I have ever seen in a drama!
I still can remember the first time I watched it because the scenes were so powerful, amazingly well written and played out...on March 26, 2006 this certain episode played on HBO called "Mayham" will always stay with me for I cried while watching this importance of fighting to live, often we think death will happen to us without knowing yet every so often our spirit wants to fight back, that dream scene for Tony Soprano with the dark trees moving in the wind, the doubt he feels in letting go and his little girl's voice faintly heared will always be the most inspiring scene capturing the soul's journey in choosing life or death, for me this was a spectacular episode! If I could spend time writing about each episode I would! For they are ALL loaded with material, emotions and true to form life lessons.....  

"Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!" -Tony Soprano

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Sopranos

Yesterday the well known actor James Gandolfini died. I was completely surprised since he was only 51! It was even more surprising the very night before he died my husband and I watched the last episode of our most favorite TV drama of all time "The Sopranos".
In "The Sopranos" James Gandolfini portrays a mafia boss from New Jersey, Tony Soprano is this big tough man with many conflicting views, strong ideas and living in certain "codes" to honor.
What is powerful about this 6 seasons HBO show is how REAL it is  and how we all have these same conflicts in our own self.
I had seen James Gandolfini in many movies, one of my favorites back in 2001 was "The Last Castle" I've been a big Robert Redford fan so seeing James Gandolfini in this story was surprising for me since I knew him only as "Tony Soprano".
The time frame of the first season of "The Sopranos" was back in 1999, so that famous theme song in getting started for the show has a picture of New York's Twin Towers. In the last season it is removed the whole part with those towers.....sad but revealing to how our country changed in many hidden ways.
Tony Soprano was a total asshole, selfish, manipulating insecure man who loved his family. He showed how to be brave and scared at the same time, he was both protective and proud of the life he built. He carried guilt and shame, he held onto grudges and he held onto control. He wanted to be loved, to be respected and accepted.
He didn't like ever to be alone, he didn't like to ever be told what to do. Tony Soprano saw life in his ups and downs as a job to do, a responsibly to everyone and everything, yet all the while making sure he got "His cut". What I have always loved about this show is this main character, James Gandolfini. Who captures Tony Soprano in such a powerful human way, the mental struggles, the moral issues and the over all way we handle relationships is seen clearly in this mafia boss. This isn't anything like "The Untouchables", "The Godfather", "The GoodFellas" or if you even have enough time for that long ass movie "Casino".....THIS show is in our today's world with the mafia setup of real people with relating emotions and situations. It is in my opinion the BEST drama series I have ever seen, it is also a historic show for back in 2000 when HBO was at it's peak in success the time in our lives were changing faster then we could keep up with, yet in relating to this show brought with it a big fan club.
The Sopranos are full of many intelligent scenes, of bigger and deeper issues then just the dialog. Even the references to such good Italian foods while sitting around the latest entertainment center in a "traditional" home, the life style, the dramas and the over all family dynamic makes each episode fascinating! These characters become familiar, become enjoyable and for me these connections are very memorable.

Back in 2003 I first realized that I needed to address my personal issues of how my parents treated me in order to move forward in my life, I was letting go of my maiden name, so I wanted to also let go of my parent's baggage on me too. That first year married in our adorable little apartment, we received HBO for free from the landlord. It was how we grew more familiar with "The Sopranos" and recognized James Gandolfini. Looking back at those years I learned all about the power parents have over us no matter how old we grow, that "Border Line Personality disorder" is a very real thing. I remember those late nights with a big bowl of penne pasta along side a big glass of red wine as the theme song ended and we settled in to watch our favorite show!

Rest in peace Mr. James Gandolfini, we will always enjoy your talented acting career! Thank you.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Sweet Curtains

The adventures with my sewing machine lately has me rather annoyed, I am not a very patient person in sewing....I want the project to run smoothly and many times the angle or the lines can't fit right on my machine so I get stuck.
Breaking my sewing needle caught me off guard and then getting it all setup again to sew took time.
It is safe to say that sewing will never be more important to me then my writing or even my gardening...I like to see results quickly.
My favorite skirt began to shred and fade (Well it was my most favorite skirt after all) I have discovered living in a limited amount of money has taught me to "waste not" and my creative mind takes on all these money saving projects...sewing is my one craft to save money and create easy things like pillows or curtains, even a skirt here and there.....(nothing to hard or complicated yet)
I think when winter comes I will be setup better in my new sewing room to learn this art and talent a bit more. To create a calmness in doing a good job not just rushing to mend or sew something instantly.
Everything I have made so far is slanted or makes me laugh and I live with it instead of going back to another hour's work in fixing it!
This is once again proving how imperfect and impatient I am! Perhaps by this time next year I will be more "seasoned" and slow down to really learn how to sew.......perhaps.....maybe...
Now my favorite skirt hangs in my bathroom windows as I live within my means and hope this creative light stays on!
I loved that skirt and I love those sweet curtains!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Sweet Peas

When I look around my yard I see so many fun ideas for gardens, herbs gardens, butterfly gardens and lately I am planting more flowers for extra color.
I hope to get both sides of the fences planted full of big bushes like lilacs or honeysuckles, the best way to bring in the comfort and coziness of a private yard. My dogs run up on the neighbors dogs in all the gaps of the fence to see through. They bark at each other less and less with the tails wagging, but I would like to build in a bit more foliage. It does take time, all of the gardening and planning takes time and extra money.....I have to be very careful to not blow my budget.
My imagination sees everything getting done right away but actually these things teach me patience, I have been reading over and over all the info to perma culture. This idea to let nature grow while you harvest in the fall with less stressful hard work has me thrilled!
The weeds I love are ones like clover, dandelions, milkweed....these weeds are not painful to touch. Therefore I leave them as is, I love any weed in which has benefits for bugs and gardens.
In my last seminar the lady speaker said how hard her first years of gardening were with mulching and weeding then pulling all the old stuff out every fall and adding new stuff in each spring...a few years of this painful hard work and she realized nature has away of doing most this kind of work already....
When I took my gardening class several years ago I put these ideas to the test and even mention in some of my classes how using what is laying around your yard like pine needles or tree leaves to protect your garden or shrubs before winter could save you time and money. The class wasn't against it but it was clear they had a certain way to garden with all those step by step.
I never cut or prune in the fall season as well, those big ornamental grasses will be winter's shelters for the creatures, any pruning could freeze the plant then come spring there are these big dead areas on it.
I don't know every much about gardening, because it is a HUGE topic, a really big area of information and only through "hands on training" could I explain what I do know:-) 
Gardening is not just getting stuff in the ground it is the sun light, the fresh air and the water source. It's you on your hands and knees in the good and bad weeds with that amazing smell of dirt! The amazing way it can looks cleaned up, organized and colorful all at the same time......It is both refreshing and hard work to be out reward is the actual event in gardening. Being outside IS the purpose for me, just like house work I see gardening and yard work as my own way to "Clean up" my living space. 
Each day it grows more and looks better and better out there!
I do run into disagreements with my love for those good kind of weeds, I leave them when others would pull them but really the key is to always have a good time and not make it so hard on you to do!
Gardening is a delight for me because I welcome most every kind of plant even if it's not in a spot I had planned:-)
These Sweet peas popped up in the middle of my side yard against the small fence and I really really LOVE them right where they are!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Infused Gin

The first Martini I ever had was on my 30th birthday and those blue cheese olives were so yummy after soaking in the gin. Yet it was that I noticed instantly after having just the one, there was no driving home for me.
My husband was chuckling as I gave him the car keys "Drinking a martini isn't the same as drinking a glass of wine, who knew such a little drink would hold such power!"

Now as I shake the martini shaker I think of how yummy all the new ways to infuse gin I have been learning about are!

The latest recipe 
I am using for infused gin;

a few roses petals

chopped tarragon 

a sprinkle of coriander

slices of cucumber 

(Remember to watch the time anywhere from 3 to 4 hours then taste for best desired gin flavor before filtering out these ingredients so that the gin doesn't grow overly powerful, store in freezer until thirsty)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

This I realize

Last week I saw quite a bit of family, it is always interesting to me in how perfectly set up my family is too. Grandpa and Grandma had 3 daughters and 1 son on a huge fruit farm, the need to be prefect was really a group thing, it was their teamwork to always look good, to always be perfect.
Grandma never swore, never did anything that her Pastor said was wrong, she was calm and quiet while I grew up around her. She prayed often too, she always talked about the second coming of Christ and exclaimed  "Oh Mercy" if I had challenged her as the crazy goofy kid that I was.....
Grandpa was a farmer of perfection spending hours to get trees planted in a perfect row and all those bad weeds out of his land, he cared over every living creature on his land and read his bible in the bay window of his home on the hill for his quested in peace. 
My Mother was the oldest, the first to get married and have babies as she told me often how left out she felt in having to raise me while her own mother got to go shopping and out to lunch with her 2 younger sisters.
After I grew older she was more free to join her family on those "Shop til you drop" dates, Those women were always beautiful, always well put together and on top of every new thing being sold out there. Shopping was the common hobby they shared. My mother, my aunts and my grandma were the women of such a generation in consuming and looking perfect.  
Perfection is both guarded and maintain in this family even now though much as changed I still recognize it often, I am glad to just let it go........I will never be a perfectionist, a know-it-all, nor could I ever guard myself so that I looked always perfect......but I WILL carry these things in me from all the voices of my past, from all the looks of disapproval I had. 
Communication comes from living with grace, admitting that the other person who is talking to you deserves respect and honor no matter if they are living perfectly to your rules or not. Owning my feelings and my words is all apart of how real I am, perfection has it's own place.

The soft glow of the dinner table sat both my parents and Grandparents, while the 3 of us small kids ate on the floor below. Not one word was spoken the whole time as my Grandma's sparkling china was setup for royalty as they ate. I watch them in such oddness over the night, silence and awkwardness flooded them. The weekend before my Father's parents were over and the conversations never died, laughter and loudness filled our home during their stay. In comparing the 2 families as I often did, I liked the more stories, the more laughter and the honest real way people were on my father's fact I knew very young that I was more like my father then my mother.
To be real, to be honest and not to judge that is a personal choice, a personal quest in seeking the perfect life. 
Both of my parents have judged me often. Both sides of the family have good and bad traits. I will carry it all within me over all of my time on this earth.
This I realize my imperfection makes me who I am today! and I am very very free to speak!

Now I realize looking back through out my past that I have escape one of the biggest fears in not measuring up, in not being accepted as one of the good looking family members. Since I never could fit-in, I was spared the heavy burden in sharing those ideas of perfection. It would have been a very lonely world if I couldn't simply just be me!

My mother grabbed my arm hissing in my ear "WE don't talk about this to ANYONE." I swallowed hard by the pain from her sudden grab. My head was rolling around with information as she reacted so suddenly to me,what did I say? I wondered as she quickly straighten up acting like she never saw me there, this was at church so naturally I expected her to do this. I grew up in church, a place I don't like to re-live or remember much now. I guess it is because Church is THE most perfect place on earth where no one is a real sinner there! We all sat in these same rows as big homeschooling families looking perfect, singing perfect and talking perfectly! The crowded silence as the pastor spoke, the half hugs and huge smiles as we left were all apart of being perfect, being a true Christian.
When you tell someone they are going to heaven over hell then naturally their ego grows, with that sense of entitlement and being part of the big group of chosen souls, the desire for perfection takes over! I saw this at such a young age in figuring out the cycle of the human mind I was able to let go of my own sense of entitlement, slowly I gave up on making it to heaven by everyone else's is just to heavy a load to carry. Why would I loose my happiness in order to be better then those around me?
Perfection comes at such a greater cost then in being human and in being real.

Where there is imperfection there is the true ME!
My father would pinch the back of my neck and hiss out his demands or commands over my behavior in my ear so no one would noticed but I recognized my burning throat filling with tears.
My mother would corner me in the ladies restroom, pointing her finger in my face saying "We don't talk about what happens at home to ANYONE." I would simply stare at the floor learning how not to burst out crying.

I guess I could only create perfection by cleaning my bedroom from top to bottom, this was as close to heaven as I was ever going to get and I knew letting my picture frames hang at slant was how I was going to deal with not ever being able to live up to any exceptions.
Perhaps I also realized that my parents knew deep down as I grew up that one day I would be a writer...........AND I would call them out on their lack of perfection in the end.

 for the world is made perfect in the end by such Bravery. 

Monday, June 10, 2013

This I see

This I see as the waves move forward,
There is a heart stopping place, where your breath holds 
still for a moment then moves really slowly again....
It is that place called the Ocean, once you find it and feel it you can't live without it!

Kinda like owning a dog, for you have discovered the better
part of yourself!
This I see his furry wet feet and tongue
hanging out with a smile on his face!

We are the sand and the sun light all at the same time!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

This I know

For this I know;
It doesn't matter what kind of grades you got in school.
It doesn't matter what you wear or how you do your hair.
It doesn't matter if you don't have a game plan for the rest of your life.
It doesn't matter if you are the only one feeding the birds.
It doesn't matter if you are the only one pulling the weeds.
It doesn't matter if people are mean just as long as YOU can love others.
It doesn't matter if you have a nice car.
It doesn't matter what kind of money you have........

It doesn't matter THIS I know, for if you win first, second or third place or come in last with those Big houses and big toys, while you try so hard to win all these things from doesn't matter I am sorry, For if you are not happy in how you live then it won't matter over all you have gathered.

Being around my family lately got me realizing how so much of what they say doesn't matter, how fast a single day will change everything. It doesn't matter if they don't trust each other, because that has to be earned on a personal level. It doesn't matter that judgement and scandals go hand in hand when I think back over all these years, sometimes family comes together over such moments in history but most likely they will depart, they will leave or rebuild a new life after such dislike or rudeness unfolds in their family is a part of growing up and letting go of what does or does not matter.

When I think of how fast death simply ends all dramas, all grudges, all bad emotions or behaviors then really what matters?

Maybe nothing actually matters in the end over all and that idea can be a peaceful calmness for the soul.....

Being alive with happiness and joy matters more to me the older I grow, for this I know........

Friday, June 7, 2013

Mom's Menu

Last night in the soft summer glow of warm cooling evening I sat in my newly setup patio table to draw, I have had this idea brewing inside me ever since my father asked me to get my mother to lose weight since she is now a 2X large in sizes, she wants to go swimming and the doctor is going to sign off for her to do aqua therapy soon.......
Ever since my mother's stroke I have advised my father with all I know on nutrition, even though he isn't approachable I still share. I am aware how parents don't take their children advice as an automatic reaction for knowing you were once a helpless baby in their arms so now saying you know something they don't is rather a blow to such parental pride....I totally get that kind of situation.
AND I will STILL try to help out when asked, I will step back at the same time to not be so preachy as in those first few months following my mother's recovery.
Calling my mother once a week to ask how her diet and how is her eating the right foods is all going, hoping that my excitement in going swimming with her as she looses weight to be in shape for the water will motivate her. Her response is always the same "I try to eat like you but it's not easy, there are no cooked meat snacks like opening a bag of chips, and actually it takes to long to cook the meat in order to eat when I am hungry." I then try to come up with simple easy fast steps for her, Last night I finally drew my big chart for her and am so very very excited to give it to her today!
In my last email to my father I spoke to him in simple bluntness and never heard back, I basically said Mom can't loose weight until he buys the right things for her to eat, saying no to all her fast sugar snacks is hard but worth her having better health in the long run. 
Again this nutrition info should come from a male, a stranger to the family like a male Doctor maybe then my father would follow this new advice to the letter of the law but since I am his daughter, there is no real grasp to listen, to even be bothered with me. I totally get this kind of situation as well, I grew up in it, so knowing how it works leaves me with the tip of my hat to my father in all due respect he is going to simply be left alone, change for my mother in her loosing weight has never been up to me and maybe one day he will see this chart I made and be inspired to try it out?
I don't want a pat on my back, I will never get respect from my father no matter how I change my approach to visiting with him, I don't go out to see my mother because he asked and I know who he is from the inside out, I see the love and fear in his eyes all the time, he is very confused to which emotion will win in that battle wrestling inside of him. When he says very mean hurtful things like in the last time I was just out there I know why, I leave my father on his own to figure out what I have always seen him since I was born, I can't help or reach him anymore.....
Yet I am going to help my mom for what I can and everything else I leave to my tears falling, to my deeper understanding in how healing will give me such strength of my soul once again.
     My father arrived home acting very aggressive while I was teaching my Aunt how to help Mom in the shower. Mom asked to have her legs shaved for no one does as good a job as I do, It's because I squat down beside her chair with a water fall of  soapy water and careful move her paralyzed leg around, I get soaked from head to toe but her legs feel smoother once again. When I leave my mother to soak in the warmth of the water she is all clean, I sit in her wheel chair so I can talk to her for I am in no hurry, I love to know she is enjoying herself. Getting dress in a dry place is very important to me while supporting her balance and getting dried off. My father was watching from the other room as I grabbed mom's clothes heading back to join her and her sister when he smarted off "That's NOT what I do when I give her a shower..." before I could respond or explain myself he turned his back on me like I was the biggest idiot he had ever seen, an action I saw from him all of my life, especailly when he caused  any confrontation with me. I didn't blink by surprise over it, I simply moved forward so he would be facing me directly as I spoke in good details of what I was doing and why, his surprise eye brows went up in how I followed him to finish our little chat, (sometime he reminds me of a 5 year old boy trying to figure out what to do or say next) So when I spun back around to go back to my mother. I caught his frowning face as he mimicked or mocked me. That is such a common face of his I have seen also. Now my Aunt's son saw all of this encounter and asked me later on in his car driving back home "He was extremely disrespectful towards you, why do you even bother going all the way out there so much?"
I sat looking out his car window feeling helpless once again, "I go out there mostly for my brothers, but in also helping my mom I know my dad will kinda relax....I go out there now.... because one day I will never go out there again."

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A REAL True Hero

When I think of how people try to be heroic, how often people even strut around like they are some kind of super hero, it reminds me of our human ego. When I think of what makes a true hero I have seen over the years of my life that the truth is hidden from the actual hero, a very good soul, a very good person needs no glamor or praise. They wouldn't trumpet their story of heroism, they won't even know how it could be possible to be seen this way by others. When I notice and see a genuine hero I noticed the key phrases are all the same from such amazing graceful human beings.......They explain to the rest of the world "I am not a hero, I am just doing what everyone should do in helping others." I am often inspired by heroes so ever since I was little I have studied them in history or in day to day events. When the Government or general public tell who is a hero or not I am left doubting them completely because I see heroes all around me in many different ways and it is the REAL hero who won't put themselves out there for such worship.
When I think of how bravery works in much the same way, the steps of living in grace towards others brings forth a sense of bravery to rescue and be there for them as they are connected to your own soul. You are no better or worse then those in trouble whom you can help or whom you live with love along side. When you give of yourself without anything in return or expected people see this as a kind of heroic way in life, but to the real true hero who knows the truth is that they are no big deal, make them very honest and real in my eyes. I admire and feel inspired by such people who live beyond their own needs, their own comforts in bettering the world.
When I went to the Team Hoyt celebration here in Boise, Idaho several years ago. I was in awe of the father/son relationship. Of their dedication to take on the physical challenges in marathons, for the son whose cerebral palsy kept him from doing these events on his own. I saw real heroes in both of them and really loved that conference!
When I saw this clip below about these young brothers I was inspired once again! For my favorite line of all my own personal list of heroes is; 

"No one is left out, left behind, there is always room for one more."

Monday, June 3, 2013

I remember, I remember, I remember

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sweet Summer time

Yesterday I sat on the patio of my neighbor Bernice, who was surprised that it was June 1rst already for as cold and rainy as it has been, we would think it as March or April still.
Bernice has a huge garden, it's been neglected this last year as she had surgery and learned to walk again. So I am planting, gardening the space for her.
It shall keep me very busy all summer and even into fall because I will need to stay on top of it. These last couple of months were like a jungle getting back to her garden soil.
She said "It's June? REALLY! Already? How strange it doesn't feel like June yet......." I nodded with a smirk explaining "It has been hard to stay outside long especially if the wind picks up." Bernice has a list of ideas and projects much like my own for all the gardening ahead. Summer will be delightful, I know that I can get it all done and along with my imagination I can see it all looking so beautiful!
However laying in the sunshine, listening to the radio and slowing down the time is what I think creates such a sweet summer time, summer time!

Saturday, June 1, 2013


There is such a familiar excitement when JUNE comes around! I am so very much in-love with how beautiful June is!

I feel like I could simply FLY around instead of walk, strip off wool socks and big sweaters to let the sun shine in!
I dislike being cold more then being hot, I like to go swimming, to go biking and on picnics in June! Which makes me always think of this month as the FUN summer month!

June is the beginning of the summer, full of possibilities!
This is going to be a beautiful summer, I am getting to garden and to be with friends! I also get to visit with family and walk along the river with ice coffee against the warmth of the morning sunlight!
June is such a magical time in the year, I hope to capture it all once again!