Search This Blog

Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 my word was BRAVE

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Smarts First

                                                                                                                                         This has been a long 3 years with my husband in law school, yet just a couple of weeks ago   we attended his graduation luncheon and I felt both thrilled and exhausted.

I was happy to cheer him on but I couldn't bring myself to plan a party or even setup some kind of reception event. 
             Funny how I had romantically day dreamed up this great moment in celebrating and in welcoming everyone we ever knew and all those who supported us through this difficult time to come and party it up (in my mind's eye like it was going to be like a scene from  "The Great Gatsby.")                    
Then on the morning of receiving his law school diploma I realized how we are now 3 years older, my gray hair feathers around my ears and my energy to even get there on time seemed tighten. 
I am done, was all I could think to myself that day. 
 The very first Professor I had met running in late to the meet and greet BBQ in that first week of law school, was the same professor who gave an amazing powerful speech that morning about not chasing the money but helping the people. I sat there in awe of everything, the flash backs to that sunny morning my husband woke me up early saying "I don't want to miss the ground breaking of that new law school downtown." I groaned and protested back "Why do you want to go to Law school again? and don't tell me it's get rich that will only piss me off...." He grinned back "How about we go to breakfast afterwords? ....should only take an hour maybe?" I flew out of bed to the promise of breakfast like always, he laughed and I was dressed in 10 minuets! That feels like years and years ago now.....The ground breaking ceremony and the tour through the new library these are things I remember trying to learn everyone's name in that first year and noticing how different my husband and I really are, back then I would call up my best friend Benny crying that I don't like who my husband was becoming among all the crazy schedules, high stress finals and his complete disappearance from my everyday life.....Of course she would talk me down from such an emotional roller coaster I was on! Then after Benny died in the 2nd year of law school I stopped worrying about my marriage so much, if it survived this that would be nice but if it didn't I would still be okay.
  Because he wasn't the beginning and end to me anymore, my whole world view shifted and I loved being all alone in my own thoughts and questions.....Yet I still cheered him on, helping him study with flash cards and driving him everywhere then finding my own identity in simply being me. Being alone never felt so good during the hardest time of our shared lives...we joked and laugh at how different we were, for having even 5 dollars in our bank made us feel rich, and feel safe again. I made dinner once after 2 days with no food realizing I still have some stiff in the cupboard on one cold dark winter's night, it was an "Ah Ha" moment for me in which I said jokingly "I love being so smart!" the soup was of tomato juice and canned mackerel. I ate it all up with a side bowl of popcorn drizzled in coconut oil since we didn't have even butter.......If ever I mention that soup moment Tony gags and vows to never be that broke again.  
            On the day Nelson Mandela died it was the 4th night since last we ate during a very stressful time, where I had bought a single can of dog food mixed it with cooked rice for our pets thinking I had truly failed them but they loved all the new combinations I came up with to feed them that week, the radio shared this national sad news while I cried and cried thinking there is no escaping death....being broke or hungry is a silly worry when death is how it all ends. In that sad moment of crying over Mandela's death my husband jumped in the car with a huge hungry smile "I got 20 bucks today! let's go eat!" 
That night turned into such a magical moment of warm french fries and lettuce wrapped hamburgers we ate 2 each and laughed about the fact we always seem to make it.......we barely make it all the time!
I said thoughtfully feeling better with food in my tummy "Nelson Mandela was famous, a peacemaker and wise man but I wonder.....I wonder if he was a good family man, a kind always there father? Because you can't have both without really knowing how to balance everything, you have to be incredibly smart to know when your kid needs you and when your society needs you." My husband replied with a mouthful "I am just living from day to day right now...." I laughed and smiled "To whom could that not be said about?" The years of Law school will be the most struggling for me and yet I would NOT change who I am today because of it all. 
And I wouldn't blindly follow my husband over a cliff with that puppy dog loyalty that I use to have, in fact I kinda of feel like I did that exact thing going through law school for him. Funny I wouldn't do it again not ever, but I like who I have become through it all......confusing even for myself I think.....
A friend of mine asked "So why did your husband decide on law school?" I replied "Because he is very smart, likes making his own hours of work and helping people better their lives. He likes a job that is never boring which is the law of course. But for me it's was a struggle and a fear he would change into a real asshole. We are almost done now though!" She laughed watching me carefully "You don't strike as a person who needs nice new things in order to be happy." I exclaimed and choked on my coffee "Oh god no I sure don't!  Before law school I was simply fulfilled looking around at our 2 little chairs and lamp with a dog in each lap and a warm coffee mug in hand, we use to sit and talk for hours together, when he said he had decided to go to law school and I asked "Why? we want and need for nothing more then this moment right here and now?" then I realized he had to do this for himself so I stopped fighting him on it." She burst out "Oooooh Honey you simply just loved him! He did it all for your life, that's TRUE love not wanting more then the moment of being with each other! You are Brilliant my dear and smarter then your husband, he needs to you bring him back to world! I hope you guys can always be together like a yen and yang. That's an incredible story!" I had never had someone point it out to me that I was in love with my husband back then! Oh how I had forgotten what that felt like in 3 long years!?!?  So I went for a walk thinking over what makes a smart person, really? For it was the second time that week I had been told I was smarter then my husband. Deep down I never wanted anything to change back then but looking back now everything has changed even my independence and sudden awareness has grown. Benny's sudden death change me too because I bounce all my thoughts off on her to help me make sense of this life in law school. Realizing we all die alone, brought me back into the real world and real time once again, I know I will always choose magic over logic, I will die with my imagination seeing sunsets and eagles flying, I will embrace the love I carry and not really worry if I am smart or not, because I truly believe in my soul that no matter how smart you are if you can't be there for others then you stupidly missed out on the most important part of your life. 
My husband exclaimed "Why don't you just go buy some shoe laces!?!" I replied back with my crochet needle and yarn "I will not use gas money to go to the store when I can simply make these for my shoes!" He snorted and rolled his eyes "We have money now." I paused thoughtfully "But I can never go back to spending it, my creative juices thrived when we were broke.....I will always put my smarts first before I ever grab my wallet!" He shrugged and I smiled, yen and yang indeed!

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Friends First

          Ericka sat across the table from me looking as beautiful as always for we were warming up in restaurant on that cold winter's night as we chatted about anything and everything, it had been a fun active evening from one event to other downtown then stopping off for a bite to eat the street outside our window was lit up in Christmas lights for the holidays were just around the corner as she asked very thoughtfully almost hesitate  "So how does it work being married and sharing money? I've never had someone else in my bank account like that." 
I chuckled happily understanding her question completely, because I have asked myself this very same question before.... 
I reply instantly with a huge smile knowing the subject of money is always tricky "It works because we communicate where every little penny goes. I often annoy Tony with my constant detail update on purchases and why, of course it took some life lessons to figure out our system. I don't like to go shopping much unless it's for something important. and I will let him know when I am planning ahead for a girls night out which makes it easier on our budget. I would say honesty, our many conversations and friendship is how we share our money....friendship being the key I think...."
She smiled back "you two are just so cute, really you guys are good for each other."

Friendship is the key to a lot of things in my life, when I first met Ericka at a summer evening BBQ, we connected naturally and soon found each other in the facebook world, making plans to hang out more and more to which now I couldn't imagine not having her in my every day life! Friends are the joy and spice we need for safety and companionship. The most important part of a marriage is friendship first, passion and romance never last as long as friendship. I was very guarded when I first met my husband, we were friends for 6 months before calling him my boyfriend sounded just perfect and our many long honest conversations challenged our foundation for wanting to share our lives with each other. Once when I was out walking with a friend we chatted up about what makes a good relationship and  I said "Even if Tony and I get a divorce, we will still always be friends, that is how we are, always coming back to each other with laughter and respect. We don't have to be in love all the time but we do want what is best for the could come down to him wanting different things out his life then what I want so naturally staying together or not staying together doesn't take away our friendship, not ever."
Friendship is the foundation for life long stories and for memories, for helping, for creating and for simply just being! 

Growing up I was always looking for a best friend, someone to grow old with me and always share in big adventures! While learning some friends never wanted that kind of friendship, I was surprised by each and every friend who hurt me yet realizing that it wouldn't change me from still sharing  my life out int the world, however I did notice my trusting skills sharpen and get better at judging who would be a good friend or not. This is a part of the painful journey in searching for a heart of gold! 
Good friends never hurt you, and they love growing old with you too! 
Looking back through out my life it was my friends who rescued me, who helped me merge into the real world and who gave me the strength in being real and honest about who I am! So it's natural for me to put friends first because unlike with family I have never felt trapped when I am with my friends!
During my mother's stroke 4 years ago I handed out my cell phone to my teenage brothers in the quiet waiting room of the hospital saying "Here Guys, you can use my phone to call your friends now if ya want." They looked at me oddly so I continued on "Ya know, to let them know where you are and what is happening today....?" They began to smirk and shake their heads all 3 walking by me chuckling at my phone hanging out there for them, then explaining "We don't have any friends like that, our friends are all through Mom's friends, like I guess we play with their kids if we go visit but we don't have our own friends." I was left bewildered and confused because my 16 year old brother didn't seemed alarmed over the fact they don't have any personal friends....when I was 16 I had half a dozen friends or at least 3 of them would of came running on such a sad day to sit with me!?!? I grew up in such a different style of family then my own brothers.....I sat for while outside the hospital calling my best friend Benny to cry through the phone as she comforted me on "You knew those boys were sheltered and guarded severely by your mother, I bet they don't even mind not having any's you who understand and feels that great loss because you were born seeking friends and even if your mom had kept you in a box you would of made up some friends from whatever you had around ya, because that was the desire of your heart to be connected to this world...,,so I will be there this evening we will talk more about all of this in person, hang in there Debster Dear." I walked through that sunny afternoon heat dazed and completely beat down and glad to have so many good friends in my life for such a time as that!
Friendship is the greatest gift we could ever give each other for it will always out last anything we could ever buy!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Dogs First

Last night at my husband's co-worker's Christmas party he said jokingly that I will not let him buy a coffee if we still need to buy dog food. The group laughed but I joined in proudly agreeing saying
 "Our dogs come first, always."

         It's a calling, a mission and a passion of mine to do the best I can in my pet care. 
My husband loves having such cuddling, well trained and lazy dogs now in our life too! He agrees that the welfare of our dogs should be our first focus. When my husband said "people who don't let dogs in their home are often very selfish people I have noticed, I don't want to be like that! nor do I want to be around such people for very long..." I smiled and nodded back at him having realized that when I was just a kid watching the adults in my life. People who didn't like dogs on them where always unhappy people. I still feel that way and now that I am older I don't waste my time with the "wrong sort" for my life!

I can see how healthy and happy I am when my dogs are napping around me, when we all go to bed at night cuddled into each other like a tetris game. I wouldn't change a single thing with them in my life, they have made me a better person, they have taught me how to just be!

This is why my dogs will ALWAYS come first they are pure love, they are loyal and trusting me to keep them safe. I have vowed to never let them down, I have promised Oscar my very first dog to never loose my temper and never loose my control over our home's environment. 
To be the alpha of my pack isn't to be bossy or selfish, I think lately in the news what they say is an "alpha person" is mistaken, because an alpha personality should never be alone...ever. 
Being type A personality is different then being an actual alpha, This bugs me a bit of course that people assume they are alpha because they don't get along with other people, oh please, that is not how a pack of wolves work or a pack of dogs for what I have observed... 
A real alpha is never selfish, never boastful, never arrogant and most importantly never reckless. 
The alpha of a pack sees the next step ahead clearly, with the needs of others to come first.
The alpha knows who they are inside out, tested and true! Alphas focus on the safety of their family, never to abandon, never to forget about another member. 
So it is impossible for an alpha to ever be all alone, it's in their job description to always be there for others, so if they are actually living all alone, then they are not caring for a family or pack therefore they are NOT an alpha anymore...they are an "alone wolf" or struggling even "wounded" person having lost their job of caring over their family. So whenever someone says to me that they are an alpha so no one likes them well I just sigh a bit explaining how alphas are very liked, much needed to be there for those who don't want to be in charge, an alpha is respected by it's followers and is completely trusted. 

My whole life changed 9 years ago when puppy Oscar came
into my arms. He has taught me how important an alpha is! I watch him watching me, we have learned the true value in our shared lives and I would never go back! 
Oscar was my first dog, I knew that I could be a better person for him, I knew I needed to never loose my temper, never allow him to doubt me. So dogs first became my passion and my true calling for my soul! Then in the spring of 2011 Sidda became my second dog very naturally, she was 8 years old and Oscar was 5. They would play with each other in the sweetest soft ways I instantly noticed Sidda was my dog of LOVE.....There isn't a single person who meets her that doesn't fall in love completely! 
I was just thinking this morning about how Oscar is my loyal dog, Sidda is my love dog and Minnie is my lazy dog! 

My husband loves how Minnie came into our lives with one clumsy goofy move she put her cockier spaniel saggy face on his lap the very first evening he met her and I saw how he melted at her clueless sweetest.....after a few days when I said that I may of found her a new home thinking it was my husband who said we can NOT have 3 dogs, I explained how I  could get her into a good home only to have him freak out in protest "Minnie can be misunderstood, what if she is mistreated for not being very smart in her new home??? No, she stays HERE." that was 4 years ago now, we still don't know how old she is but the gray hair now under her eyes makes me think she is as old as Oscar.
When I told Minnie the first hour I met her "If you can get Tony to like you then you will have a forever home here my love." I didn't realize she could understand me so clearly hahahaha      
She is my husband's idea of a perfect dog, never really barks, never likes to go on walks, never goes outside in bad weather, never likes to skip nap time, and loves all kinds of foods!  

Our pack of pets all get along, napping together and happy to simply be together on this magical Christmas morning, I put them first in my life because they rely on me and they bless my life with all kinds of adventures and laughter! 
Once I took the dogs with me to house sit and my husband came home to a quiet dark place that felt strange and sad to him, he realized in that moment all alone how the warmth of pets play a huge part in how and why our lives are so magical! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS from my pack to yours!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Trust First

      It was winter of 2011 when I house sat for my next door neighbor for a week, he had a big black cat and a few chickens. Since that summer the black cat who walked every morning down the sidewalk in front of my home made my dog Oscar bark crazily from our bedroom window where he laid on the fluffy pillows. The black cat was focused on every morning getting over to Bernice's home on the other side of my place. She was always setting out her bacon grease and pieces leftover from her breakfast. This cat knew how to survive and how to get there first everyday!
       He was always around my front yard when I pulled weeds or mowed so I instantly chit chatted with him, instantly admire his focus on getting the bacon every single morning, he always walked on the sidewalk too. I hadn't figured out whose cat he was in the neighborhood until talking with the young man next door. Every night that fall about 3am I would hear him call out his side door "Here kitty kitty." then that same black cat came flying into his home. I had learned the cat's name was Lewis, so every morning I would see Lewis walking down the sidewalk to see if Bernice had leftover breakfast again, I would sit on my front step drinking coffee in my house coat saying "Good Morning Mr. Lewis." He would watch me in caution and alarm then slowly as it grew closer to winter he would come up to me for a petting and a rub as I chatted away with him. Then I began to pick him up and hold him in my lap, loving him was easy I observed how smart he was out and about in his neighborhood. When I house sat for his owner Alex I felt very comfortable with Lewis by then and swoop him up in my arms like nothing was wrong, while Alex looked alarmed warning he's not a trusting cat, be careful and I just grinned because Lewis and I were already friends. Every day I fed him, petted him and laid on the floor of the dark lonely house chatting it up with him while his owner was gone, this is what good neighbors are for house sitting and care taking!
I didn't want Lewis to feel so lonely or get stuck outside those rainy winter nights so I spent twice a day with him. 
After that Lewis never hesitated to run up to me for loves, and when the very next summer arrived we all moved into that very same house, Lewis's owner left him behind since it was the only home the black cat knew, I had no problem over seeing Lewis meals and every day care, the young man who still was living upstairs seemed confused as to what to do with the cat and 2 weeks would go by with him gone so really Lewis was my cat from the very start of living there!  The many many little stories I watched over those 3 years of how Lewis adapted carefully to my dogs, how he realized Tinker was all hiss and no bite, and one stormy crazy night I ran through out the dark wet streets calling out for him in panic of the crazy winds and following branches "Lewy baby boy Lewy! where are ya?" His response running towards me down the long sidewalk and his bursting out purring when I scooped him up in my arms rushing back inside our cozy warm home. He clearly loved being love like that, now he sits in the window on the desk looking out unto the world like the old wise fat cat he is! I have loved him since I met him, I have never stopped looking out for him, never stopped chatting away because he knows he hit the jackpot with me! I sit back as Lewy rubs into my hair resting on my shoulder, as he sleeps deeply next to the Christmas tree glow or late at night he curls up into my feet on the bed, our friendship started out slowly developing trust first, now he is my own cat, loyal only to me still. I may of lost his owner's friendship due to moving out and all kinds of poor communication and weirdness but I still have this amazing cat full of animation and admiration! I couldn't be more proud of my Lewy boy!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Freedom First

Dalton Trumbo "[February 1940] If they say to us, "We must fight this war to preserve democracy", let us say to them, "There is no such thing as democracy in time of war. It is a lie, a deliberate deception to lead us to our own destruction. We will not die in order that our children may inherit a permanent military dictatorship".

The recently out showing movie "Trumbo." was a very good story of our past culture and embarrassment in our news coverage for fear mongering during the 1940's and 50's, As I watch it from the cozy comfort of my movie theater chair with a hard pear cider in hand in warm darkness sprinkled out among a few other movie goers I thought to myself "Is this our nation's past? Are we watching a story of one man's bravery or are we watching our very own lives in a reflective way? Because the news coverage and the fear has grown saying the very same things against whatever new threat is out there. TODAY" I was truly impressed by this film, I was moved by the hope it gave me. 

I loved the idea of fighting for a cause that allows sharing and kindness to be the focus....It's not my first time learning about Socialism, Communism and Capitalism from this film, when I was 24 shortly after I was married I went on a huge quest to find out why going to College cost so much money and going to high school is free......?
Having been home schooled and sheltered I thought education cost nothing at first. I remember when my first friends went off to college their bill was mind blowing to me and I knew at 17 years old I didn't want that kind of debt in my life! 
Then after I was married surrounded by the push for college and with the whole world before me of books and of classes I went forward into the system thinking "Shouldn't this be free for us to learn, to gain a career that betters our lives and community?......

While watching "Trumbo" it brought back old memories of those days for me in how I felt education should be free once again, those who are good at it will get those high grades and those who don't (Like myself) would still be learning something from at least trying, without going into debt. 

This movie is powerfully impressive to see how being smart goes farther then being hateful or afraid......When "The war on Terror" first appeared in our society I was only 21 so I protested and complained "Why can't it be "War on Haters" or maybe "War on Fear" like how about a slogan "we will put fear in it's place and bring about world peace"?" 
 The people around me just looked on kindly like I didn't get it.....I remember thinking if we are afraid of another 9-11 attack then that fear will grow and we will hire body guards, more soldiers and the military will become more important then our public schools. I kept asking why would someone want to hurt us if we do no harm as a nation? Maybe we have been a bully and now we created a problem that the rest of the world is going to fight back.
These are the questions I use to ask and sometimes my husband had to warn me that it's the wrong crowd for all my questions in demanding a better system that helps us all equally. I was making people so uncomfortable back then and maybe I always will, sticking out like a sore thumb has been the stories of my whole life, being older now to realize how I communicate and how I can still ask these questions all the rest of my life is more powerful then feeling so helpless like in my youth! 

and I know IF I could go back in time I would be friends with Dalton Trumbo in a heart beat! 

There is always going to be an underline hidden greed we will battle, it can also be the "In your face I am better then you." kind of greed too. I will keep on learning something new about how this world works, about how I can play a part in it Just like in this movie when I learned you can be jailed for being the change you wish to see in the world. I smiled to myself thinking "To be Brave often comes with such judgement too."

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Snow First

                  The wind blew snow right into the windshield as I drove dark into the late night, going home wasn't as easy as leaving that day. I wanted to be home, I wanted to be in my soft pants and wool sock with a tea cup in hand sitting in front of the tree....

Yet instead I drove on through the well known streets and city lights covered in snow, my husband complained "Slow down! It could be icy." I slowed down just a bit as I round the road corner thinking to myself "HOME. Home, home, home I want to be home..."  he added "Maybe we should grab a bite to eat....I am kinda hungry." I replied back quickly "Nope. unless you want to go back out and get something then you can. But it's late so the fast food would be gross and poor quality or the restaurant will be closing soon so the mop bucket is out by where ya would sit....I just want to be home right this very moment." He chuckled back "You are really becoming a homebody lately." I nodded in complete agreement saying "Well, it IS winter and I live in such a cozy place." The soft glow of my salt lamp greeted us as I parked by the kitchen window in the cold darkness and I happily found my pets all waiting on us for snuggles and cuddles before bedtime, the Christmas tree smelled good and sparkled away as I happily knew these are my favorite nights not having any noise and simply warming up as the snow fell down outside.  There is a choice we make everyday to enjoy it or not, I think driving in the crazy wind of snow helps me remember I have created a home full of beauty and safety....and it can always snow as along as I have no place to go! Ha!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Holidays First

In our new home where the long smooth driveway holds room for half a dozen cars I raked up the Sycamore Tree leaves remembering my other home had those walnut leaves so this is pretty easy compared to raking up back then... The fall afternoon was a bit drizzly and I raced around my galley kitchen feeling a bit panicked in hosting Thanksgiving dinner in my home, by the next sunny warm holiday morning more leaves had dropped and I laughed as it looked like I hadn't worked so hard to clean them all up the day before!

In our new home my husband is so very happy, It's been years since I have seen him this truly honestly happy! I loved how he said something I thought he would never say "You can have company over as much as you want." I laughed fully asking "REALLY? You aren't going to argue, protest and pout every time I host a party or get together?" He nodded back saying "I am very proud of this place, it's a real home with real room to entertain properly. so invite and entertain your heart out." I felt so impressed by this moment, this conversation because I realized all those BBQs or firepit times, in all those get-to-gathers in our other place he would be upset at me if they had to sit around inside because it was such a choppy setup going room to room.....The natural flow of our new home is pure magical and sacred, privacy is perfect from all around the land along with the nicely finished basement where the master bedroom holds room for us all, cats and dogs blankets and pillows, easy access bathroom with motion detector lights so finding your way in the dark isn't hard. The big closet with shelves and drawers has all my cats hiding away or napping in the cozy calm room. I love making little pets beds behind my hanging scarfs and hats, or putting on my shoes seeing a tale sticking out from the bedding counter. 

In our new home laughter fills the air, people come to sit and visit, we eat around a real table or play board games! My heart is truly bursting with such joy in sharing my home and in reflecting how giving everyone has been in creating my home of cozy comfort! As I think to myself "I should start shopping for a new chair to go there...." suddenly a friend of mine is dropping off a chair they thought I could use and I exclaim "Wow Thank you! It's PERFECT!" Since having moved last month my life is FULL of stories and encounters with people like this! I am in true awe of all the good things this home holds and all the lives that it touches!

In our new home on Thanksgiving day I took some pictures before everyone got there knowing this is a very special day, one I can finally sit back and relax next to my mother holding her plate of appetizers as we catch up in visiting, I looked out the dinning room window to all men out there deep frying turkeys in the golden sun light, my beautiful mother-in-law Teresa stirred up the gravy and cooked up the stuffing as the holiday meal was almost ready for our long table for 10. It was a day I would never forget because it glowed in warm fall colors, it held many conversations and shared dishes along the cozy chairs and warmth of our new home. My mother sat beside me happily sharing her shopping adventures lately then she added "I knew I could relax coming here because you would have a nice clean bathroom for me." I laughed back proudly sharing with her "AND it's bigger then the last place, we can go in all the way close the door safely." My Mom joked back "So when can I move in?" and I laughed again. 

In our new home I celebrate the Holidays fully and with such wonder of it all! The internet hasn't been setup there yet so whenever I can make it to my husband's office I get on there otherwise I am out of the loop, out of the constant steaming of online activities....This has lessen my writing, my posting on this blog as well. Life is so full of things to do right now for me that I don't even miss my laptop, I haven't really felt the lack of internet in my life.  I have finished unpacking, organizing and cleaning up my new place. I have cooked, baked and stored up food in my new huge pantry. I have finally got the guestroom looking right, the basement gym room set with workout stuff and all my pets well groomed, fed and loved. I have pulled weeds, setup Christmas lights outside and even got my tree decorated now! All of my little jobs for my friends have kept me busy too, and I make sure to see my old neighbor Bernice twice a week, she has even had tea in my new home! Life in the Holiday season is pure magic for me and maybe it's the only way I can get through such winter wet cold weather as this outside today....

In our new home my husband comes home from work with a sigh saying "Why do you make it so wonderful here? It's impossible for me to ever leave again!"  We sit every night before bed time drinking hot tea planning out the next day and simply enjoying the soft glowing decorated Christmas tree, in our new home we are healthier and happier together grateful for this house of LOVE! With my constant Holiday first focus we welcome in the new year against the cold nights outside, our cats cuddling on the couch and our dogs snoring in front of the heat vent, I look around in such joy, in such peace of mind that I want for nothing else! Expect to share these walls with more people in my life and with more joy down the road into the new year ahead! Finally we are coming to an end of my husband's law school, in moving and in changing up our routines I feel like every day is a gift again! That the holidays will be better from here on out, that my pets can happily retire in such a peaceful beautiful backyard and I can truly live happily ever after no matter what will happen next....


Friday, December 4, 2015

Love First

          In my new home there is this beautiful bedroom downstairs with a huge walk-in closet and a really nice shower with a new set of washer and dryer across from it where the cats can use the litter box or jump up on their table to eat not far from the bed so when I came down to see these 2 cuddling once again with each other I smiled! 
I love all my cats but these 2 are very very special to me, because Jazzy the fluffy gray cat came to live with me when she was 3 years old as a free gift for volunteering at a animal rescue. I was very sad at the time because Lewis this black cat was going to move out with our roommate at the time, I took such good care of him as he came with the house we had moved into being 6 years old he was very set in his ways but he really liked me. I was his neighbor for a whole year before moving in him. I was over the moon with happiness when his original owner said I should keep him after the roommate guy and his girlfriend moved out.....Lewy turned into a sweet fat Momma's boy in those days I kissed him and carried him around everywhere, he would pur and nap in my lap or keep close by, he knew if I was there then everything was safe. But when I wasn't there he would disappear completely, he ran away from the sight of my husband or the dogs getting playful.....yet when he saw me no matter how far away in the neighborhood he would come meowing for me.
 When Jazzy came into our lives, it was unlike anything I had ever seen 2 adult cats getting along and loving each other so trusting, completely adorable!
Lewis looked at me in alarm when Jazzy walked up to him and licked him in their very first encounter I was chatting to them both about being nice to one another and soon after that their friendship became so strong and so together that when we moved last month I moved them together side by side, Lewis crawled underneath Jazzy and she looked out from the cat fort I made in the guestroom. I kept them both together out of the way of movers, cuddled up in our new home.

They need each other always now, I smile every time at the rare situation it is to have adult cats love each other like this while not being from the same litter of kittens! Lewis is now 9 years old, truly lazy most of the time and Jazzy is 6 with kitten like playfulness she is always on the move in the mornings to be outside and see the world around her then after her many adventures in the day she comes to find her Lewy as they nap like this all the time! I am in awe of their love story, in awe of their friendship and in awe that they are apart of my family, completely cozy, safe and warm in my bed this winter season.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Safety First

It's crazy how fast December got here with cold winds and snow, with early dark nights and gray afternoons....December rolled in like those Dementors from Harry Potter letting us know it was appoarching as the world froze in ice and freezing cold temperatures.....THEN the news spun out of control by covering public shootings like everyone was excited for something to talk and I stepped away from the scene in true sadness that this is what we are thinking about, talking and discussing when it really should be about the wonderful holidays all around us.....We should be sharing our favorite songs, recipes and holiday movies this is a joyful season that the crazy angry people out there can't touch in us, yet I understand these society issues are bigger then any Christmas song can fix.....As for me and my home I will listen to the music of magical hope this where my strength and energy is focused. I was reading last night in bed thinking that my own little world holds the joy, the peace of mind that I will choose to do good for others all the rest of my life even when pop culture and live news coverage fill the air around me in such fear and negativity.....I alone have my own feet to move, my own heart to heal and my arms wide open with Safety first on my mind....ALWAYS. With grace and love my pets know, my husband knows my home is a rescue zone. We let the world do it's own spinning and we live happily ever after in our own ways....I stopped reading last night and snapped a picture of the cutest moment ever laying in bed beside my legs, Jazzy my rescue cat of the last 3 years whose whole mission in life is to love, and my Oscar whose mission in life is be right beside me while never really trusting Jazzy as he has to compete with her over my morning lap coffee time made me see such magic in this moment of winter's rest in out of the cold outside, I can't stop the world from hating and being crazy but I can stop my pets from disliking each other, maybe it's my safety first focus or my need for quietness at night before bed that allows my home to be filled with such love like in this picture of last night.......

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thankfulness Glows

          In our new home everyday this month without internet and with the glow of the fall in full force and as snow falls today while I cook in the kitchen I am reminded how fast the holidays fly by! In the new beautiful backyard I captured these pictures a few days ago of both my cats Tinker Belle and Lewis enjoying being outside yet not committed to it completely as the cold chill was coming in....
As I talked to them I saw how thankful they were in finally being allowed outside in our new home, in our new schedule. They are not fighting much anymore because they don't know whose house this is yet.....
I am thankful for this year of bravery and of soulful learning, I have more to write on those topics this winter I think....

For tomorrow my family, my parents and my brothers will be able to sit with room around my dinning room in my new magical cozy home, this makes my heart full of such joy and peace in that growing older allows such new memories and new holidays to embrace! 
Happy Thankfulness day, may it be full of good food and good times!

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Land Mark

      There is a place in my home so beautiful at first light, so peaceful in the sunset evenings and so easy for my husband to let our dogs outside safely while still staying warm and keeping an eye on them the whole time.... It's our new sun room or as my husband calls it 
"The conservatory." 

For me this sun room is welcoming and bright, full of thoughtfulness facing the back yard and big garden. I love that the cats all race outside to hide in the flowers only to meow or paw at the sliding glass doors in order to get back inside for warmth. 
Moving just before winter is crazy, but it does feel so cozy when all of my pets adjust nicely to the new land and find their own routines once again. This room is a land mark for the whole house it is the only way to get down stairs to the master suite. It's connected to my galley way kitchen and it is the brightest room of all....I love my coffee brewing counter being the first thing I see when I wake up, the pantry shelving and my huge growing collection of coffee mugs at my reach. 
This is the room all the pets meet and greet every morning, and where they go one last time before bed in the dark cold nights I love all those open windows in the privacy of our backyard where the cats want to look outside without being stuck in such cold with the afternoon shade this room is always welcoming and I stand there looking out unto the landscape of my new life ahead! 
This Sun room is my true land mark for beginning my day or in saying goodnight to world before descending into the cozy basement bedding. I am in awe of my new place, everyday I am grateful and I am thankful for these walls of pure love to fill my heart and build my strength in being the best person I can be! With arms wide open I love my cats and my dogs, I chat it up with my new neighbors and cook dinner for old friends......This is the land mark of my life, a deeper connection to the outside world with such a safe sacred sun room to greet me with a sunny "Good Morning!" each new day :-D

Monday, November 9, 2015

Sacred Land

Sacred Land is what I see all around me since I moved into this new place a week ago, I have been so busy up and down the stairs, out in the garage, in the garden and in the backyard....this land is sacred I can feel it as we head into winter so quickly. I know that by living here I can grow things, learn and love every minuet once again outside. The cats and dogs watch me walk around with them and I talk about the wonder of this place....they all seem to understand and get it now after one full week of everyday being beside me in this new backyard, we are safely tucked in at night surrounded by this sacred land. I am ready to entertain company now, ready to nap with my pets and cook again. The front yard is all a magical medicine garden which I have eaten flowers from it everyday this week in the stress of moving and unpacking I have sat on my front patio in the sun light petting my cat Jazzy telling her to be good and stay close to home so i can watch over her.....the world here looks BEAUTIFUL and I am being called to save the land all around me I can feel it in the breeze and in the joy of waving at my new neighbors, This morning as I drink my coffee I read this article that spoke right to me! "Marrying the Land." I have always been connected to this earth but lately I feel like I need to understand better and create even more with my time left to live, the taste of the flowers makes me smile when my hours are distracted by boxes and I feel instantly healthy just at the thought of such beautiful blossoms growing around my front door, WELCOME HOME is what this sacred land says to me......and I will faithfully love it right on back!   

Sunday, November 1, 2015


Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Strength of Women

In this year of 2015 I chose the word BRAVE on January 1st. Now looking back I am AMAZED by how important focusing on bravery helped me face this year of constant change, It has been comforting to think of my main word everyday because it give me strength in who I am and whatever I had to face......
Today is my 1000th blog post and I am very different person from my first blog posting's at a time as this that leaves me reflecting over all I have learned since first starting up this blog, most importantly I am deeply grateful for the many women in my life whom I love and lean on! There is a sense of safety, of self awareness and of magical spiritual things when women come together for each other! 
I have that circle of friends, of wise women handing down their talents, gifts and knowledge for a better future, creating a safe place and a sacred sisterhood. I am growing, learning and discovering my inner strength as a woman that shows me the true soulful strength that proves we are the storytellers for how our family grows, for the hope of the next generation in being brave and standing strong in the strength of women.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Strength of Mountain Lions

           It's been a busy weekend, a busy month actually.....every single day since we decided to move my life has changed greatly from day to day chores to long detailed lists of house cleaning and finish yard work or my garden projects. My focus on my pets has been constant lately as they seem to get hurt all at the same time...healing is so important to me in doing everything I can before running off to the vet. (So far I have been able to heal my pets on my own growing knowledge)

It all leaves me to wonder of the strength in cats to constantly get hurt and healed, and then the fact that mountains lions live in the wild looking just like my house cats only do they heal in the world without a human's help? 
There is a wonder in what is out there growing on this earth with magical powers in nature and in finding the answers for healing without any doctors or any corporate control. 
The whole world has been around longer then this society, this system of things going on right now....I am left to hike up the highest hill in this beautiful city Of Boise Idaho and look out over all those buildings, growing, changing and thriving over once was wilderness, it was all high desert thirsty and dry seeking refreshment at the bank of the Boise river before the city came about. Now the city grows on higher in the skyline, the river stays in place yet some of the wild life is pushed out.  my best friend Benny's kids who had come to stay with me, we wondered what would we do if we saw a mountain lion or a bear as we hiked the foothills.....I reminded them through the twisting trails "We shouldn't panic, we shouldn't try to get to any closer as well. If we see a bear or a mountain lion then we need to stay calm and brave. IF they can smell fear then we need to have happy good thoughts and don't scream or run, there are many steps in protecting one's self being respectful towards the powerful creatures but just remember first and foremost to not run or move to fast." We made it to the top of the hillside the valley below looked like a game board to me, like little pieces set up to conquer resources, it was comforting to know we were never in any real danger nor were we anywhere near a mountain lion. I think they are beautiful creatures, like all my house cats only amazingly wild and fully strength! The kids and I spent the mid morning singing songs, jumping over rocks, we looked at wild flowers talking about sage brush and watched red ants work in the dirt as we hiked. Being nature is healthy and wise, it magical and fun! As nice as technology is also, we need to never forget the strength of mountain lions where they live and where we walk, for ALL the wild beings out there in the wilderness, share this world under the very same sky! Our strength comes from learning more about all the magic powers and all the beautiful strength in beings before us!

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Strength of Bears

This is a powerful documentary, "Grizzly Man" because it's a real life filming of a man who loved bears, who loved all wild life as he would love his friends and family.

Tim Treadwell had a desire to save the creatures, to understand nature and simply be free in the wilderness. I related instantly to him as this documentary unfolded before me because how he talks to the animals is how I talk to them too, saying "I love you, I love you, I love you," over and over again gives these creatures a sense of trusting you and relaxing as you calmly see the power of love all around you for the helping hand you have to care for them. It's why humans are here on the earth in my personal opinion we are gifted with flexible hands and fingers to rescue and heal the earth before us. We are given an awareness of our own mortality, our own unanswered spiritual questions, our cognitive reasoning and thinking that can control our instinct reactions for survival. This has made me realize the human is the servant and nurse to nature. The powerful strength of other beings like bears, wolves and mountain lions are all here teaching us something about our role to play, about how insignificant we are. Learning to live in harmony, in great respect to this world is what I think the human journey is to protect the earth and each other, yet when we cross that line of not understanding, or we lose sight of that mission for harmony then sadly we think our idea of success or progress means we have to kill off our predators, our fear of beings stronger then us. 
Tim was a brave soul to bring attention to the grizzly bear, the way of life for these almost instinct animals to our attention through his filming and living among the bears on his own. Tim was as human as any of us in being full of wonder, of awe and of anger. He explain in one of his video clips that fear has no place among these creatures because they will sense it as weakness and maybe attack him trying to be alpha one. I realized how I had learned this in being among dogs, yet I never had that clearly deeply real fear in how my body would be swallowed whole if I lost the position on the totem pole among the "pack". It was so interesting to me in watching this film how being all alone for those many months in Alaska made Tim think he was always right in what he had learned and discover, he would even go off of his own speeches with no one  there to challenge or question his passionate mission and message. I do this very same thing too! only I have never been completely alone for days, weeks, months the fact Timothy Treadwell was and filmed his behavior was very revealing in why we should never rely only on our own self for very long periods of time, we need each other even if we have to struggle, disagree and feel crowded at times. The constant quest to be alone in nature and let the soul rest, to grow mentally and spiritually while not growing our own egos is a real issue for me, I watched on as Tim worried me in his all consuming passion to save the bears, to save the wilderness because I felt like he wasn't giving himself a healthy balance or space from those majestic grizzly bears as he had when he first started out to understand their stories, their lives. On the 13th trip of his mission to be among the grizzly bears again I instantly saw a risk he created in bring his girlfriend along with him, for when we are on our own then our focus is easy to what we communicate to the creatures around us but when we become responsible for someone else we are distracted and it looks like a growing threat of gathering humans to the wild life around us. I often wonder how can we obtain a perfect balance in being alone and yet safely connected to a society?
Timothy Treadwell had a huge heart for the helpless, the hurting and the hunted. He was able to bring these issues, these struggles to our attention while living peaceful out there among these creatures saying we need to know what is going on and we need to stop the slaughter of the bears. I believe his life was an inspiration, a brave soul who even said very clearly that one mistake or slip up out there in the wild could lead to his death because the wild has a desire to survive, and instinct to eat when hungry so humans need to respect this fact and stay out of the grizzly reservation in Alaska.
I was left to think about grizzly bears for weeks after watching this documentary, the strength of them is so beautiful and scary, the better understanding of them comes from Tim's many stories and pictures that he happily shared with us as if we were hiking right beside him. 
The end of his journey tells us how we should never forget how real the world is, how little we are in whole scheme of things, AND how powerful is the strength of bears.

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Strength of Wolves

The strength of wolves is both awe inspiring or terrifying, because if they wanted to eat you, as the mere human being that you are then they can. If I could choose my "spirit animal" I would hope to be a wolf because I love and relate to dogs so much! 
Wolves are so magical, beautiful and strong. They protect their own, they are social beings and clever in surviving. They are an important part to the wilderness, an important part of our own awareness on this earth. It's a powerful moment to see one in it's own world, in it's own wise eye........if our souls really do travel through the line up on creatures being a wolf has to be at the top of the totem pole in pure beauty and bravery. They are being hunted by humans, they are victims of the fear and power struggle in society growing....I respectfully know meeting one on the hiking path could be deadly just like with a mountain lion or a bear this is why it's called "The Wild." I would like to think my peaceful energy and my desire to do no harm to them would allow us to pass by each other in harmony like a magical scene in my childhood favorite movie,  
"The Journey of Natty Gann" I remember watching that movie a hundred times over really wanting my own loyal protecting wolf friend like that too! (I also wanted to kiss John Cusack but that's apart of the joy in imagination, attraction and good storytelling)

To the wolf we own so much after our past history of mistreatment, of such slaughter. Let us be aware of their strength and soul, giving back to them a wilderness to live in and a respectful awareness that we all need each other to exist in harmony for the parts we play on earth in balancing everything out for survival, for our journey.  

Friday, September 25, 2015

A walk in the early morning...

It's not easy to get up when it is dark and cold outside, at least for me it is not easy. I was thinking for a dog, for a dog whose owner had knee surgery and can't walk I can get up, up, up into the Boise foothills before dawn.....then I did it, drank my 2 cups of black coffee ate my yogurt and mixed nuts on the go swinging out the door of my deeply asleep home to meet my friend at her lovely home in the quiet neighborhood off of warm springs. She clearly loves her dogs and wants the best for them even at a time of healing her leg. I had no problem happily helping her out and over 2 hours flew by under such a magical morning fall sky! THIS is the change of the earth and shift into fall after all the crazy busy days of summer leave me strong and healthy! I welcomed in the Equinox  this week with magic every where around me! With Arrow my new friend, a dog of great strength and beauty in his wise 9 years of good training and total trust in humans. I saw something so mystical that morning high up the hillside as he ran all over coming by to lick and snuggle me a moment then shooting off again to be completely free as all dogs should live in such safety if I had my say in our society! I breathed in the cool air of the city before like a landscape painting it was out there but I was not there in it....I was safely, peacefully and happily tucked away from all noise and all sound to where the trails took me and I loved it all! Arrow ran until he was completely wiped out and walked again beside on the leash into his neighborhood for his breakfast awaited him and he KNEW that! Life is as captivating at sunrise as at sunset along with our appreciation to touch the sky!                           

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Old and Brave

                It was almost a year ago now that my elderly neighbor Bernice and I got into some biblical discussion that turned into a fun weekly bible study with her Jehovah witness niece Melody.  The 3 of us meet up every week to study the bible together and I have been having so much fun recapping the way I was raised and the way they believe. Our talks and our discussions address questions that come up and help us think about spiritual things with 3 different generations to contribute. I love those ladies as heartfelt honesty women that they are and as my friends! How good it is to see them week to week, to listen and to help or to share our concerns and our life stories. Bernice and Melody really believe in the hopes and faith of their organization and in the structure of faith for their daily lives so I admire their classy kindness and their openness about what is sacred to them. I find myself learning something new every week, I like making the connections from all I have ever read or learned about God and about the Goddess to be captured in a beautiful story of one day finding Utopia and that Garden of Eden again here on Earth. All stories of faith have levels of impossible events, or unbelievable magic preformed from the higher power above us........yet Jehovah sounds like a beautiful name for that vase endless power and endless caring over the struggling lives after greed consumed the earth and unbalancing the perfect balance God had first hoped for when creating humans. I am not sure if creation was accurately captured in the bible since the bible was used as a political weapon and master plan to manipulate entire communities and societies to fear "God" by distracting them from being abuse and used by their rulers. So I will never take the bible for actual fact, I have seen way to much of it in my childhood be used for bad. I have seen how every story we share can have layers of truths and life lessons yet can also be made colorful from our own personal twists and turns added to it. 
All of life is magical because it is so mysterious! All of this earth's beauty can come back to full wonder down the road one day if we lived grateful to God and if we lived in harmony with each other too. The Jehovah Witnesses study the scriptures to promise perfection and peace when all is made right again here on earth. It's a happy thought to me, it's an idea I think could come true if we all wanted to share and give, if we all said no to greed or selfishness.....but as I listen to these ladies older then me I think about all these layers to our humanity, to our personal soul. They have bravely lived in a world full of chaos and craziness simply choosing to calm their focus on Jehovah. To have faith and believe things will get better, to see how important society is in working together when we abide with care and kindness. These ladies never pray out loud over me in some desperate way to "Save" me instead we talk and laugh and share all our questions and wonders of who is God and what is our purpose here on earth.....I already have an idea for myself but it is so wonderful to meet over study guides and questions out lines in order to dig down deeper about what I think or what I want to know more about! ALL of life is constantly moving and constantly learning, in order to survive and safely live another day we come together in helpful support, in trusted socializing ways and this is what I LOVE about getting older. Bernice makes being 86 look so effortless as she happily reads out loud about the treasures of her faith. I listen to her and her niece share a bond, a joy and a love that is soothing for the soul. I said one afternoon as we pause to chat a moment about the way Jesus had talked so naturally and respectfully to the woman at the well in the bible story that was back in a time when men didn't consider women to worthy of such interaction, "He knew that talking to the lady would break tradition and give her the power to stand up for herself, sometimes all it takes for a revaluation is to know you are not alone in not liking the system of society......and women liking each other, supporting each other and standing together is THE biggest change to this whole world. Men will be surprise once we stop competing with each other, stop trying to look a certain way or trying be better then each other....for when we come together in harmony the whole world is changed!"