she looked a little worried and weak.....
I sat at the kitchen table facing my mother with my 3 little brothers sitting on my lap. I was 24 years old on that cold February Sunday afternoon. My father and my other brother Derek were watching TV and eating lunch. I was always trying to come visit my family on my days off from work. My personal agenda on this day was to be as open and direct with my parents in my honesty. I wasn't getting a straight answer out of them over the plans of my wedding. I felt nervous trying to be boldly honest, so I rambled on and on about my life, my job and my wedding plans. I hugged and laughed with my little brothers Daren was now 10 years old as he leaned into my chest sitting there listening as our mother and I tried to talk. Mom was mumbling again something she always did when she had something to say but didn't want any conflict to follow. I listened carefully wondering if this was the best time to ask more from her. She continued "You will have to attend church again if you want to find someone who will marry you." She rolled her eyes (another thing she always did). I watched on because ever since she founded out that I wasn't going to church anymore she had changed, she withdrew from me like she didn't trust me and what I had first thought was a strong friendship with her ended up being ruined because of that simple fact I didn't believe the same way she did anymore. I knew we weren't ever going to be a perfect family but I at least thought I did my very best to be my real self with them. I wanted to honor them and keep the peace as much as possible. It had been 2 years since I quit the whole church scene. Now Mother sat acting frustrated but not explaining why across the kitchen table from me. All 3 brothers sat on my lap as I giggled saying soon they will be to big to do this again. Mom snorted annoyingly at me as I also casually explained what my wedding was going to be like. Mom's eyes were huge as she responded in shock "WINE! You are going to have wine or beer at your reception?!?" I nodded back feeling myself melting into a child again. Mom frowned "Well I guess if THAT is more important to you then having your own family there..." I shot her a glare, the flash of fire in my eyes caused her to freeze staring back at me in alarm. I stated clearly "Can't you just be there for ME? Am I NOT worth it for you to come and celebrate with me on this important day in my life?" Mom suddenly burst out into tears and deep sobbing, I glanced down at my brothers in my lap with a worried look. "Come on Mom, don't cry! Just answer me this one question, PLEASE." I asked sadly as I heard the chair snap back from the living room,
my father was on the move.
Usually he would have sat in front of the TV never getting up to say "HI" or even "BYE". He usually found his own chair the only place in house where he belonged. Now that he had overheard his wife sobbing he was coming to her rescue. He must of been listening to me ramble on about my new life, Maybe he thought I was completely self-focused and hurtful. When he yelled out at me it was like a bear roaring out "HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR MOTHER CRY!" I felt my brothers hands all tighten to me in sudden fear. I commented back "Calm down." He grew louder and more angry at my boldness to TELL HIM WHAT TO DO. My brother Daren wrapped his arms around my neck yelling out over and over again, "Don't HURT her!" I felt tears hit my eyes as I wanted to protect him from being so frighten. My Mother was pulling and dragging my brothers out of my arms as my father threw a chair across the room, he was coming for me with all of his anger. It was going to be a full on battle by the warning smoke steaming from his ears and the screaming panic from those little boys. My Mother was acting like I was evil as she pulled and tugged my crying brothers out of my lap. Perhaps THAT hurt me the most, For it was a desperate helpless feeling when my baby brothers were grabbed out of my arms. "Please stop this!" I cried as I knew it was scaring the little kids more then me. "I won't hurt them!" Daren hung on the longest and he screamed the loudest, I realized in all this chaos our Mother was hysterical and our Father was yelling while throwing things around, I knew what I had to say and I look him in the eye with all my bravery and love. My hands held his face as I whispered softly "It's okay Dude, it's okay." Daren was now sobbing and choking me while our mom pulled on him to get away from me. I will NEVER forget the look in those young eyes of pure pain as I spoke to him. I also said "THEY can NOT hurt me. You need to let go...You need to be brave now Dude." He nodded for he heard me in the craziness, but he was still crying so hard as both my parents yanked him out of my arms at this moment. I was relieved to see our brother Derek take Daren into his arms, That little boy was never going to forget this day just like myself. THEN I felt it, I felt a bolt of lightening hit me, it went straight through my heart, My hands stop shaking, my tears stop falling and my mind snapped back to where I stood facing my angry father. For I understood now all to clearly that MY DAY had FINALLY came.....
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
but everyone looked the other way
when time ran out there was no one about on Independence day....
He came at me now with everyone now out of the way, I slid to the side of the kitchen table at first because I had been startled, then I was alarmed by the red faced father I had chasing me down. I thought at first it was all ridiculous, we could discuss this without screaming at each other. But the sadness that swallowed me when my brothers were ripped out of my arms like I was Satan himself made me more then just angry too. I came alive in a way I had NEVER been before, my psychologist said I had an Adrenalin rush like a Mama bear whose babies needed her. I had been holding back this kind of anger towards my parents for years because of my baby brothers. Then as they sat in my lap, I kept myself calm and caring for them. Then once I was all alone I was ready to do battle with my enraged father. Suddenly when I tripped into the empty chair behind me I scrambled for support to stay upright. My father loomed over me like a giant screaming at me and I thought of my finance Tony who had said to me once when I was screaming at him like this, he said calmly "You don't have to yell I am right in front of you." When I said this to my father he became even more crazy, flying his arms out and his voice booming out "YOU ARE A SPOILED BRAT! How DARE you tell ME not to YELL! I AM YOUR FATHER!" I snapped like a twig or maybe more like a fire cracker because I yelled back and waved my arms in the very same way he had and I challenged him for the first time in ALL my 24 years. I took him on only after I realized I had NOTHING left to loose. He was not slowing down from his screaming and red face anger. He made himself look big and puffy like he could scare me back into position. That lightening inside of me was now shinning out and then I screamed back. The fact I had a better set of lungs then my father surprised him as the whole house shook, my strong lungs never had gone THIS high in volume before and I can still recall my father's face with that surprised look as I screamed right back at him, Then I flew off at him with my own anger and bitter words.
THE battle of our life time had just begun.......
Let freedom ring
Let white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
I stood up facing him and I wasn't afraid anymore. I was NEVER going to be afraid of my father ever again from this moment forth he was just an angry old man. He had lost that hold of fear he wanted over me. And that kind of freedom is priceless. I moved forward with every breath I took spitting out how I thought he was a spoiled brat too and that he was a horrible father working all the time, never being home and when he was home he did whatever he wanted for himself, he also acted like he had never wanted children to begin with! He was stunned by my hurtfulness and that I didn't hold ANYTHING back! I knew what I wanted to say. (Parents don't realize that by keeping their kids in control like they are slaves, eventually it will send a revolution straight towards them.) I challenged him about why he never even spoke to me directly, He always avoided eye contact or conversation with me. Only if I brought my boyfriend along would my father start talking again. I told him that just because Women would never be equal to him, he can't get away with treating his daughters like shit for it. I called him out on ALL of his behavior, knowing there was so much I didn't understand about who he was. Now it was a 2 way fight, he had plenty to yell right back at me, I had moved out in my own apartment against his will and I was not attending church anymore. Our shouting, our screaming filled the whole house on that gray rainy day, I was just warming up I felt such strength come over me, I wasn't giving in, I wasn't backing down. I was telling my father to his face everything I had ever wanted to say! He wasn't backing down either. Then finally he said something that made me pause, he shouted out "You think THAT is LOVE out there?" He pointed out through the kitchen window in the direction of Tony's house, sun light broke through the clouds as he was pointing in the same direction. I smiled at the magical scene as I peacefully noticed this among our fight, Dad continued "Because I can tell YOU! IT'S NOT!!! the only true love you have is your family!" I felt my anger step aside for a small moment, because I realized that my own father has never been loved, not in that unconditional way he deserves. I felt sudden sympathy for this crazy selfish man in front of me. He pointed out the window again still shouting in my face. "You are to stupid to know what true love is!" I sprung to life never had been more clear in all of my mind about what was the right thing to do here.
Now I ain't saying its right or its wrong but maybe its the only way
I stood so tall and so boldly looking my father directly in his flaming eyes something that also surprised him greatly. I moved forward at him because I knew I wasn't stupid anymore, he use to tell me I was so stupid all the time growing up and now he couldn't say that to me anymore. He lost all his power and manipulation that day, I ended it.
I laughed proudly at him like he was being funny, like this whole fight was a "staged" drama scene. I said as I giggled "IF THIS family is what TRUE love is then I DO NOT want any of it! You have GOT to be joking me! This is all messed up in your thinking! YOU say we are there for each other and actually we are most defiantly NOT! You can't even get off the chair to say hello to me when I come to visit much less now not coming to my wedding!" My anger returned heated up and burning insults at my father again I could spit them out back in his face and waving my arms. The sun light was calling my name as my father realized I was a lost cause for him, he pushed me back from his face by my honest heated words and our tumble ended up with him chasing me out of the house as he screamed "YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAMILY." I mocked back "IS THAT COMING FROM OUR FAMILY OF TRUE LOVE SPEAKING FROM YOUR HEART!"?!?!?"
(If he had caught me he would have killed me) He screamed "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU ARE NEVER WELCOMED BACK!"
I shouted over my shoulder as I moved out "Why the HELL would I ever want to returned? It is CRAZY here! I AM the ONE who is NEVER speaking to YOU again!" It hurt to be so angry, I had been "spitting nails" of everything I disliked about my father. I knew I said horrible things at my father in this restless anger, It was only 8 years ago when this big hurtful fight took place. I still wish I could of handled it all better now looking back. Because most importantly I am not that angry person anymore. Also I have noticed my father has changed too.
Let the weak be strong Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away let the guilty pay
It's independence day
When I was done crying so hard and so long in my car pulled off to the side of the country road, I felt my fresh new battle wounds, my new emotional pain. I took a deep long breath, then drove my car straight towards that beaming shinning sun light the same light my father had just pointed to earlier, it broke through the sky on such a dark sad day, it gave me such comfort in my new hope for my life. I had never felt so strong, so happy, so sad and so brave all at once! I was finally heading towards my REAL home with a fresh new smile of such amazing freedom, I was also heading towards my very own TRUE LOVE. I was embracing these new possibilities with my Unconditional loving man and my brand new life!
Talk about your evolution........ It's independence day!
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