There are sad words in our lives, there are hurting fearful moments in our memories that never go away....we learn to make peace with them in the best way we can....
There are miracles in our lives also, there are loving brave moments in our memories that teach us something about ourselves.
When the doctor said "You have 2 options, you have 2 choices really....one is that if you leave her like this and she will die." The whole ICU room melted in a fresh rush of tears from everyone by this honest information. The doctor continued explaining respectfully to our stunned painful faces "Or we can operate immediately and she will recover with some brain loss...it's hard to speculate the recovery but she will live."
I think THESE are the words for this year 2011, If I were to bring you the reader through out my life of this year...THESE are the words I hear every so often in my memories.
I reached for my sister hearing these words spoken so honestly about our mother in that ICU room. We hung on each other like little girls we felt we were once again. We had poured out our heart and soul talking trying to wake up our mother from her sudden coma. Her 6 children were laying across her fading body in this haze of heavy tears and deep fears. I liked those who could pray, did and those who knew this was a painful moment, cried.
This whole scene plays slowly in my mind's eye often when I sit with my coffee cup in the mornings as I ask myself such questions like; How did we make that call?
How do we know what we choose is right? When it comes to ourselves wanting my mother alive the answer is easy but what if she doesn't want this handicap life and mental struggles ahead?
We all made the call together to choose life in whatever shape that would be for our mother....
Looking back on this year I dislike it GREATLY and I am an extreme positive person so naturally for me to dislike even hate an entire year is very odd. I stayed up all night long those first few days because I knew if my mother died my family would died in a different way as well, we only had her as our common ground. She has now said if this happens again let her go and let her be....she wants to rest in peace. I hope we never have to make that call again, but at least we now know what she wants. I was surprised when my father said they had an agreement in their marriage never to give up and to stay alive at any cost. I could see that desire when it's just being a discussion however in real life things are not that clear cut....I wondered why my parents weren't more for the escape to Heaven as in their religious system. I know death is unknown but most Christians would disagree with me. I am glad my mother made it through even with all her pain and struggle. I still wonder if she is happy we fought for her soul to stay on this earth a bit longer...the reasons we all may have for keeping our mother with us is very personal, but what does she want now I wonder as I listen carefully to her say "Do NOT bring me back to this couch again...I would rather my life was over then to start all over again." We all should be able to understand her views with grace....for this is going to be a hard life for her, she will always remember when both feet moved effortlessly and she took care of everyone else.
I look back on this event as one that changed me deeply. I will never be the same, like go back to my idea that we can save the world through unconditional love. We can just live with unconditional love knowing we are not in charge of making happy endings for everyone. At least we can for ourselves, be all the joy and peace in one hopeful smile and true loving hug....
I now wipe away my many many tears with my rose colored glasses off then I take a deep breath and purposely put them back on...This magical world will win over the dark shadows of pain and fear. Yet I will remain true and strong towards good in humanity as I simply live... for with God or no God we are ALL just one phone call from our knees.