Search This Blog

Monday, May 29, 2017

Sudden Death

It hurts like hell.

It hurts in our souls, in our blood burning like fire and aching like we are hungry but can't eat at the very same time.
It feels like we turn into water, weakness in simply just standing.

It feels like we are trapped against a wall, screaming and hitting it with all our mighty strength only to realize it will NEVER break.

It feels like we never knew anything to begin with in ourselves or in our life stories.

It was ALL so important as we lived through it but now we are looking back in slow motion, in true awareness of what it was.....because we didn't know just how important it was. We never thought it would be so different as sudden death takes our breath away!

It feels like our chest will burn in fire of rage, burn in our sense of injustice!


......and it ALWAYS will be........

Our friends lost their son, Benjamin Michael Dorman. the arms of love we gathered together, in the arms of love we helplessly held onto each other.
        Through sudden death he left us.....and we cried.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Sometimes we cry

Friday, May 26, 2017

The end of Light

             My Siblings and I had a very stressful time through our teen years, with lots of changes back then not just with our own growing bodies, but there lots of stress/drama with our parents that finally in the evenings especially after a bad dinner time with lots of craziness, we teenagers would escape out into the orchards or the foothills to get away for a bit of peacefulness before bed time. 
I had a regular spot where I walked up the side of our Grandparent's home to watch the wide open sunset unfold......
Sometimes as I sat watching out over the landscape when my brother Derek would find me and I would be so annoyed at the sight of him "IF you sit here with me then be quiet, don't be preachy right now." He rolled his eyes at me and sarcastically say "And You are sooooo perfect, yourself." 
I sat silently with my hand up to stop his talking "This is my quiet reflecting quiet if you sit here with me." I stared ahead hoping to not miss a single sun beam or color change in the sky.
He chuckled to himself "This is coming from YOU?" 
I sighed sadly watching the sunset so beautiful stretched out in front of us as we sat there together for a moment and I stated out loud  "Being a teenager totally sucks..." Derek sat beside me nodding his head with a smirk explaining with a chuckle "I knew you couldn't just sit here and not speak." I looked at him sheepishly and nodded, "I know! if you weren't here I would be quiet...I would! But I just don't like growing up it's so scary that these sunsets help me know it will be okay after all."
Derek looked at his watched even more amused "SEE, you are still talking more then me! I would have you know that I can sit here and not say a single word, but YOU can't." I playfully pushed him to the side and shared "I can't just ignore you, that would be rude and I have a lot on my mind that is why I come here to sort it all out without distractions." Derek kept his watch up to his face and pointed not responding but still communicating how long I was still talking and I pause in mid-sentence in realizing how we were missing the sunset hour. I frozen in a funny face and then quickly sat back to watch the horizon stretching out all around us as  
we both chuckled over the moment on the hillside while the night slowly came into the farmland below us.
So in peaceful quietness we sat side by side dangling our legs in the soft cool dirt side sloping down into the fruit orchards towards the irrigation canal that opened up towards the end of light, the setting sun.
We waited there before we had to return to our curfew back at home, we just sat there enjoying all the colors of the closing day.


Wednesday, May 24, 2017


It's the first thing we ever do the moment we are born.

We cry, we can't form words of our we make the first kind of noise to pronounce that we are now alive on this earth.
It's not laughter, it's not a speech or a satire comedy skit of our new life performance, no it's crying.
For the moment we are born yet not aware of our surroundings, completely dependent upon the one who gave birth to us, we cry.
We are born crying in our way of communication, so why as we grow older we grow uncomfortable with crying? Are we putting expectations on ourselves to not NEED anyone else anymore? Are we embarrassed to feel like a baby again? Is it our own thoughts or is it society that makes us all try not to cry in response to being alive?

I have learned lately to just simply say "I am sorry to make you feel uncomfortable...but I am crying now."
I understand in myself this can not be held back, nor would I want to hide it.
So if the people around me say that they are uncomfortable by my crying I simply walk away from them in respect. Life is way to short to be around anyone who isn't kind or compassionate.

Crying is like breathing for me, it always has been this way since I was born, as happy and playful as I was as a kid I also understood sadness and loss. 
AND I hated goodbyes with family. 
My mother would explain to those around us back when I was little girl "Debby cries over everything.....", she would get so annoyed at me for being so dramatic in my fear of never seeing my cousins again, I really did hate goodbyes.

I guess as a teenager I used crying over a sad movie to help me deal with my hormones and stress in growing up.

So it hit me that other day as I walked the park that I will cry for the rest of my life now. I rather thought one day I won't cry anymore but that's not's impossible actually for me to arrive to a place in my life where I have no tears, I will miss all those who have died in my life as I live it's impossible to not cry for long.
I had this thought in the park and it gave me such peace of mind!
"I was born crying and now I will die crying....and that is quite alright with me."

For the truths in living are real like that of pain and suffering, fear and guilt, shame and regret, stress and panic, anger and sickness, injustices and destruction....simply put it comes down to feeling totally helpless while being alive. 
We cover all the truths in life with distractions and goals to reach for each day to help us find peace and love again along the way. 

I think that with Hope we stay alive through the really shitty times, we see the need in others around us in order to not just give up, to not just lay down and cry ourselves to death. 
We have to have a reason through all these truths of being alive in order to live on in awe, and in true wonder of the world!

Like a marble from the movie "Inside Out." our emotions help us be the best we can be, they give us such depth to ourselves.

Now I understand that I will cry every single day for the rest of my life, and I am completely okay with that because I can FEEL such amazing awe in being alive and notice what happiness is even better when the day comes along that is so lovely after all these truths and after all of this sadness.

My brother Derek grinned at me saying "Oh come on Uncle Tony, don't ya want a sticky hug from your nephew?" Just as my husband leaned back in horror from our sister's messy kid as Derek and I laughed together. My Family dinners were often very much like that, lots of noisy kids and birthday cake that our mom had baked. While our father talked about the dramas at his work or the stupidity of politics. Sometimes Derek and I chimed in or support each other's view....
Looking back it was usually a lively family time as we sat around the stretch out kitchen table late into the evenings back in those days.....feels like it was just yesterday.

My brother Derek stood crying while listening to the doctor tell us all in the ICU that if our mother stayed like this she would simply die, so brain surgery could save her. It was in this very sad moment I notice that my brother cried in a calm strong way, while each of us older siblings put our arms around the younger sibling the 6 of us paired up and held on tightly to this news, it was like we all had this rush of tears at the very same time. 

My brother Derek was displayed so gently at the front of the funeral home that when I saw him, I wasn't so afraid anymore, I let everything go that was held up inside of me and I silently walked up to him deeply wanting to hug him and wake him up from death saying "Hey there Bro, Oh My sweet sweet mountain man!" Instead crying was the best way to let go of everything I wanted to say to him, crying was the best feeling when hugged or when standing beside my other family members in support on the saddest day of our lives. 

and now Crying is what helps me heal from such pain in this huge loss in my life, and I will never be able to change or fix this story back to a happy ending, so I get it now.......I completely understand and get it, I accept it most importantly, this is me in my honest tears.
For I was born crying and practice all through my life to stand beside my brother's coffin with my 3 other brothers leaning into me as I sadly said "I have all 4 of my brothers here in my arms one last time, for the last time."

I simply let the tears fall like rain, and let myself never be the same.........................

Monday, May 22, 2017

Phillip Phillips - Home

             As I went on a bike ride yesterday with my husband and his family for a belated  Mother's day event for his Mom. I got to thinking about how nice it is to be outside riding through the old school Boise, the lovely morning sun light against the trees I held onto my bike grateful for the event, grateful for such a relaxing stroll as I can't keep my list of worries in check right now, everything happens at once sometimes, and I can't get my time back. 
It's now or it's gone, that is real life.
I'm glad that my husband has his family, their friendships and their joking around together makes me smile as I pedal on down the lovely magical world of the Boise river.....

It's not going to get any easier the older I get in the more people I will miss from my life.....

I am home in myself, where ever I go or whoever is around me I feel truly blessed to have a sharp mind full of happiness in the great pain of loss and sorrow. I am as I am in now, in right now. I like who I am in my own head that sometimes I wish to just stay there talking to myself instead of facing the future HA!

In my home today I walk in the sun light and cry again for there is so much more to my life then I can capture!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Running Wild

                 It was a few days before my brother's sudden death, it was like another life time ago but lately I have been remembering it better.....I was very focused on my husband's stressful bar exam, making sure he had good sleep and nutrition, staying his cheerleader and encouragement while handling everything else back at home. He didn't have to worry about anything else just enjoying his evenings home before going back. I liked staying organized, I liked walking each dog at the park and brushing out each cat with their medicines and cozy clean bedding.  All the cooking and dancing to the music in our perfect home.....Running around to the gas station, store, bank and pet food store kept me on top of my list of responsibilities.

And then I had a dream......

It was cold in my dream, it was strangely familiar the person I was talking to knew me very well but I didn't know him or her I felt like there was no distinction to this tall figure in my dream covered in layers of fabric like a robe with all these layers and dream was so cloudy as if a bad storm was waiting above us as we walked through my veggies garden. He said to me "You understand what magic is, you understand what is important in this life time. You shouldn't worry about those who don't get it. You will face the storm stronger for knowing you were right about magic it is every where and you see it!" my heart was racing in the awe of this dream and I felt truly happy. I felt like nothing was wrong with the world....that I didn't have to save anyone anymore! 
I felt purely happy with this tall mysterious being as his arms felt like a woman's arms soft and beautiful for we walked to the front of my home so happy by the real sparkling specks of magic twinkle all around us. I smiled and said "I can see it even more clearly right now! How wonderful! Without magic nothing would exist, nothing could hold all of this together....could it???" My steps up to my patio were moving in many different colors and hidden flower patterns I was truly delighted!

Then as this tall feminine man stood right beside me facing out over my front yard herb garden shadowed by the storm clouds above us while everything sparkled a rush of cold cold wind blew in my face and I was instantly afraid as a herd of wild horses ran by, they ran right down the street in front of us and I screamed out "NO! Stop! They'll get hit by all the cars out there!" my fear had returned to needing to save them, then sun light burst out on them as they ran into the air disappearing before they could reach the street ahead and I felt suddenly aware "HEY! I know those horses! I have seen them before in my dream back visiting Benny! Those are the same horses running in the mesa above us! How did they get HERE in town????" The wise tall person who had been walking with me shared "They are YOUR horses, they have come to help you in this storm." I felt so happy and proud to recognize them and to see them again! 
"MY horses?? I have horses?? How wonderful! I love them so much! They should stay out in the wild though, where it's safer for them." I smiled so big standing there looking at the front of my home where this very tall person was waiting for me, the shadow of the clouds above me suddenly released the rain fall.  I just stood there with my arms wide open! Then I was getting cold so I reach for my sweater just as I realized something about this whole event I said very clearly to the figure beside me "Something very bad is going happen isn't it? That's why these horses have come into town to be with me? and why you have come to tell me to always remember that magic is real? Something very very bad is about to happen isn't it?" I felt deflated and not as happy as before.... He proudly said to me "Yes, good job and now you know. Benny can't be here for you only the horses can." 
I step into my herb garden feeling completely helpless once again saying "No, I don't want this storm here anymore! Where did the sunshine go???" Just as the thunder burst out and a flash of lightening crashed right over my house as I looked up from the garden in true fear... then I woke up into real time and real life saying out loud to myself "MY Horses!"
so I got up to drink water and let my dog out and my cat in, just like every night at 3am, (my pets all have their own routines of course.) The dream stayed with me as I sat there waiting for my dog to come back inside,  I was feeling happy, despite the fearful storm I was impressed I had wild horses in my dreams again! I really did feel very safe in my real time once again.

Of course looking back I had no idea how important that dream would be in the days ahead!
I had no idea how bad the storm truly was!
I had no idea how deeply sad I was about to get.....
....for the wind that these horses created said "you can't stop time, you can't change fate." It's in my face cold and strong moving forward not backwards!
     They reminded me of being strong in the storm, for within the seconds as I was told that my brother Derek had died, I fell to the floor weaker then I ever knew was possible, 
I screamed out my sudden pain to the very beat of their hooves against the street, to the wild wind they left behind!

I realized in that dream my horses had come for me, warning me, helping me by carrying away some of this great pain!

How magical that I know them, that I recognized them from another dream I had in the past!
 For they knew exactly what they were doing as they ran right by my home, with storm clouds circling all around us!

I can picture them waiting for me to join them on the mesa to run wild and free once again maybe even be very happy all together like that?............................perhaps one day.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Lights and Dreams

Dear Derek, 
Whenever I heard this song I think of you in the golden sun light of the day on the snowy slopes in your perfect form gliding with the snow, making it look so easy, just snowboarding down the mountain.

Whenever this song plays on I smile thinking about being teenagers together!
I feel the importance of it all now that you had left the mountain side forever......I would of never thought much about it again it was just the way you were snowboarding through the winters....camping in the summers....

Whenever ever I stop to picture and remember you in the best sense of adventure, this song gives way to the wind and speed you zoomed on by me as I smile proudly "Good Job Derek, Good job my brother! You made me almost want to learn how to snowboard...almost.   
I'll hold my ski poles a bit closer to me as I stop to watch ya, as I stop to remember just how gracefully fast you sure would go!"

I remember teasing you about being on your butt in the snow way to much that it almost seemed like you fell over and can't get back up without a ski pole like I had! Ha!
 I remember when you very first started snowboarding how I would just shake my head at ya and say "Snowboarders are so annoying!" You just grinned and nodded replying "That's my goal!" I will always remember those early days on the slope as we kids just trying to figure out how everything worked. And how You took on snowboarding with such confidence that 20 years later you made it look truly Awesome! 
...Just like this song as you feel each turn while listening to the music!

I will always look up at the Lights of Bogus Basin and remember how you loved the Night time hours up there!

Lights and dreams,
Love and hugs,
Your sister

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Last year

I've been home today, cold and cuddly with all my pets. 
My husband was saying how strange just one year later everything is different, is changed.
I will always remember last year for Mother's day as I decorate my front patio with flowers in the warm sunshine we sat out there all day!
I had my parents and my 4 brothers over for shrimp scampi and long conversations about politics. My Mother enjoyed a cozy chair surrounded by flowers of spring,it was such beautiful day,  I go back so easily for it was great to see my husband chatting with my father as my brothers all enjoyed sitting side by side.

Last year was so magical, so important to me in having us there in my home.  
Today I stayed away from the patio as it's cold and nothing is really growing that good yet.....
I understand how now one brother will never return to sit with me there again.
So I'm left staying in, feeling tired and sad. Yet only last year on this holiday it was very different in activities and conversations.

I love being home. I love having these memories and these moments of pure peace as I hope next year has some warmth to it.

Saturday, May 6, 2017


          It's a family trait, a family biological gift to have strong lungs from birth in crying to shouting over a huge family dinning room table for any ol' political discussion. From yelling out that dinner is ready and to commanding everyone to leave. I have seen many of my family members produce a strong volume level as I grew up among the many noisy kids. I liked my big loud family, they said what they meant and meant what they said. Who I am today comes from their influences and honesty. I am straight forward, honest with strong lungs. I will never be afraid of conflict because I was forced to face such scary and difficult situations growing up, I avoided conflict as a teenager/young adult until I realized that avoidance doesn't help change the way things are.

I have been using that same mindset while being so angry that my brother has died. I want to speak up and change it, "NO! I said NO and I MEAN IT."   My no has always stood strong and firm, always. (Ask any kid who spent the day walking around downtown with me, ask my husband he always laughs when I just say "Nope." with no other explanation. He replies with amusement knowing me so well explaining "That means you will not compromise and if you have explain why then I'm not very smart.")  

I have always felt that being straight forward is better then hiding or living in an older adult it gives me such strength and peace of mind to not be misunderstood, to not be caught up in silly dramas and to simply enjoy life right now.

I have been thinking a lot about my past all the different adults, all the different situations for what they shared about their lives. I learned a great deal from my own parents but I also learned from their parents and many siblings. I am grateful for the life lessons so early in my life, I am in awe over how vital each person was to me.

I can still be uniquely me while carrying their love with me, I can be apart of my husband's life and his own family with all this history in me from my own people. I like feeling like family with whoever I am with! I like being there in support, in connection and in stability. Because we have no control of the future, we have no control over our families to love each other just as we are is the best feeling I have ever experienced. Now this doesn't mean that you are stuck with those around you, who may or may not respect you. It doesn't mean that they have to agree with you. It means that you understand now time will always run out and come to a final end....So why not make what we have be the best it can be until it's gone?...right now is all we actually have....
Because when it ends as it did with my brother Derek, then the best memories will and can win out!

I can still protest, and still raise my voice to roar back against the ocean waves of time, face death in resentment and rage.
I can still be mad, be annoyed that this has all happened to my family and I..... (For It hurts like hell)
I can feel through all the levels of this great grief and circle back around to shouting out again "NO, NO, NO, Do you hear me God? I said NO."
For I still meant it with ALL of my heart, if God was a person I would have no problem in saying this to his face. 
I would have no fear of him, I know my brother's death was wrong to do if God is in control at all.
 I am an honest and real person who will not waste time in conversation or in conflict. I would get to the point with God!

And in my rage I find that I am not afraid of God if he is real, if he gets to bully on like this I will still get in his face, in all his golden glory or while he's wearing his crown I would still point my finger at him and say "NO." just like my father did to me when I was misbehaving.
I am not afraid of anger, I am not afraid to scream at the top of my lungs and hit the ground. I am not afraid to fight back and to protect those I love....even though God gets the last say for everything, if he is even paying attention or really in charge....I know how I think and feel, and I own it completely, this is me.
My rage should never hurt another soul, my words should never be mean as I feel like going to battle to bring my brother back!
My frustration and irritation is a very real thing, I hope I can curb it as I get through this.
I hope I can see the peaceful utopia out there, I hope I can help better the world not destroy it with my heated strength and roaring set of lungs.

This is real for me, this is painful no matter what day it is. Sadness mixed with helpless gratefulness, Anger mixed with hurtful awareness, Panic mixed with the need to protect against the fearful future. And most importantly a sense of self changing no bullshit, just stay real and stay focus because time is always running out. It will never be fair, never to be right that death comes to our end. That death hurts those we love. We can roar on against it, try to be smart enough to avoid it and keep our arms open for those who have to still live through it.......I have no new answers now after Derek is gone, I only have my emotions and my thoughts in that I will miss him all the rest of my life!
 I want it on record, I want it to be known how I said NO to this event. 
How I raged against the dying of the light, How I roared like the lion I feel inside in my protest against his sudden death, I want it on record this is my strong set of lungs against the truth of such sadness in still being alive.

Thursday, May 4, 2017


It was such a wonderful day in the gardens, I have so many things to do and simply getting ready to grow again gives me peace of mind and joy for life!

It has been such a long long time since I felt this warmth from the sun and knew all is well with my soul.......

Monday, May 1, 2017

Sweet Siblings

                I can't imagine my life without facebook, I have been so grateful for it since 2008 and I have learned so much more about my Brother Derek through that connection of easily commenting, chatting and liking our shared pictures because of the amazingly sweet social media. It is exactly what you will it to be.
It can be full of horrible people or of great good people, it can make you smile and laugh or frown and groan. I have said it from the very beginning of it's popularity to the these very sad days of my life as I reflective over and find once again the many connections Derek and I had.
Facebook is the most AMAZING program to connect humans so easily and so instantly in real time <3 Then after a sudden death, after a sudden trauma or loss you can flip back through time, you can cry all alone with the laptop open to the profile and face of the one who is now gone forever <3 When I first notice people writing letters online to their family members who had died I was wondering why didn't they close down the FB profile? Now I understand the comfort and the connection you need to that person who once strolled along liking your photos of garden plants or pets napping, they made a joke about your latest hobby or recipe and now all those little moments online become such a big part of your hurting heart that never again will they say "Hey, hey, hey just thinking of ya and hope all is well."
Never again will they share a big smile and a laugh out loud (LOL) to your clever new status.
I look back in time and I am very proud of how my brother Derek and I interacted with each other because we were friends not just family, we were there for each other while being busy in our own little worlds.
Never again will we message back and forth about the next family get together nor will I be able to say "Come meet up with Mom and I today we will be out shopping till 4pm."  
I am grateful Derek's facebook pictures are just one click away and I find his comments still so funny as if he said them just yesterday.....
I am comforted by how close he feels in these online connections, I just wish I could find him face to face again because NOTHING can replace REAL people in REAL time and nothing can make this grieving process go away, I wake up every day since February 25, 2017 to find a place to cry before going back out into the world....sometimes that place is clicking on back through Facebook.

Happy Birthday Sis. Hope you have lot's of fun to day and plenty of slobbery Dog Kisses. — celebrating a birthday.