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Saturday, September 16, 2017

Where Does the Time Go?



Since I have now moved into my brother Derek's home, I have been very distracted and busy in projects and in all my sense of wonder in this new place.

Since it's now September I can feel Fall arriving in the chilly early mornings.

Since I try to sit a moment outside with my cup of coffee and just BE, I ask myself "Where does the time go?" and I ask myself "What's important to me? What should my life look like now?"

Since I have moved my family into a whole new town, a whole new routine, it's important to me to just be still when I can, as I try to keep up in staying aware in real time. 
Yet sometimes I do drift away to my childhood days of the long laughs and good times I had with my brother Derek, since he is every where around me I feel honored to just be here in his very own home......

Since I live in both grief and grace I see his magical spark in the sky above me all the time, and if I were to ever see him walking up road I would give him this place back in a heart beat saying "Welcome home my brother! It's all yours again!"

Since I understand that won't ever happen, I sit awhile on the lawn in the warm sun light asking "Where does the time go?" 




Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Kodaline - Brother (Official Video)



.......and I never thought not ever once in my life that one of my brothers could die before me, never ever crossed my mind.
......and now I know how real of a possibility that can be, that it's Real, that it's possible to hurt so much for the rest of my life.

For almost 6 months ago looking back I can't let go! and actually, in all honesty I won't ever let go!!!!

I've got you Brother!



Monday, July 31, 2017

How we Loved him!


Oh How We all loved him!

My brother Derek.

As July ends I am a whirlwind of activities, with him always on my mind.....

Oh How I miss him so!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

How to heal





It has been 2 months now since our friends lost their little boy, that day in the hospital knowing all I could do was hold my arms out in understanding of this great pain over sudden death, reminds me how real life is.......

It's not any easier today looking back, I know the heart ache of such great grief, of such great pain, of such loss and longing to go back in time to be together again.

My tears will always stream down my face......

It's all apart of the healing process, to just let them fall.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

How to Breathe






I stood looking out across the valley yesterday evening with a wide open sky and beautiful sun set, I breathed in the great beauty before me with tears in my eyes.....I whispered out "Our last summer...." then I let my gratefulness wash over me as I delighted in all the memories I have of this Treasure Valley laid out as far as I can see from up where I stood, in that very moment I was completely still.
I am full of hope, and full of change.
And I am full of understanding NOTHING will ever be same for me......
          My 11 year old friend Tally said to me earlier that she knows how I miss my brother, she can see it in my eyes. 
I hugged her and said "It's going to be a part of me forever now, but you always make me smile and laugh....You are such a good friend!" She explained that she has missed me and all the fun we use to have. I replied hopefully "Well, let's go have an adventure before the summer ends still!"

I stood there a moment in the wonder of panoramic view surrounding me as I told myself "Just breathe."

Saturday, July 22, 2017

How to Live....


.....2017's word has been courage and I had no idea the importance in remembering that.....

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls





I look back today on the trauma my family went through when my mother had her stroke, I see my brother Derek being there in the hospital, walking closely with our father and letting us know what to do next......I look back today because I miss my brother so much! Because going through something like that was made easier with him at our sides. Derek was the one I called for everything in the comings and goings of those crazy stressful days.....I look back today with gratefulness that he was there through it all!

Tonight's the night that the world begins again.......