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Tuesday, March 20, 2018


   Last week in a cozy warm restaurant I sat across from my husband realizing it had been months since he and I had gone out to dinner.
Maybe it had been a year actually because usually we meet up with people in places but never just sit together on our own and talk.
A real honest good talk about how we feel.
When I turned 38 my husband was consumed by studying for his Bar exam, he took me out for a steak that following weekend and I was impressed by his real honesty in saying he was sorry.
   He was very sorry for putting me through such heart ache and such bad times ever since he started law school. I was taken by surprise and then I was impressed by this moment because it made me realized I hung in there through out the storm of life, surely it can only get better from there? Then a month later my brother died and I went so under the ocean water of sadness that I drowned and came back to life a very different person.
Learning how to still be married when you are nothing like you use to be is very hard. 
Learning that my husband became a lawyer and quickly changed his focus onto his new career and his new life, I found myself thinking for everything turns, turn as the clock on the wall and there is a season to just learn......
I am learning right now how to be at peace with nothing as it once was.

  Last week I told my husband if we don't change our ways in communicating with each other we could loose the only common ground holding us together. I really did feel like we were hitting a wall in not connecting, in not valuing the other person better. Almost 20 years together would make for some need to repair once again how we are and not get distracted by how we were.....

Last week I explained myself very clearly and he said "You mean more to me then anything else I am doing with my life." I was surprised by his honesty and now I think about how we feel and how we act sometimes don't match up, so we need to be honest with ourselves in that if we love someone we should want to simply spend time with them. 
I will never want more then just time to sit and talk with those I love, it will always be a struggle for me to want more then that......not everyone would agree with me of course but I think that having less and being together more is true value and true happiness.
My husband explained "I have never known anyone like you. And I would never want you to feel like I am not here for you, I think you might be afraid of the future but I really feel like things are getting better." I chuckled and sighed "Yes I am afraid of the future that is very clearly understood in I have less tolerance for any bullshit right now."  
We sat facing each other with a shared smile as the rain came pouring down outside the restaurant, as we get to know each other again.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Six Feet Under

As I think of this scene in a show I have loved for so long, I feel my perspective growing and changing, I am adapting to the way my life is now.
I am getting use to the new information of the last 12 months, of the last 12 weeks even,
My husband has been going through disappointments and his own struggles lately that is why we have been battling yet the other evening he said to me that our marriage was so important to him and I was very grateful to hear it.
Because we sure of had one hell of a year that now leaves us very worn out with each other and with just plain tired.

So this scene is comforting to me, especially when I just hurt all over.
I feel like I am going under but I know that I'll make it out alive....
I feel like there is so much that has happened, so much that I can't keep up on so I need to learn how to let go for whatever's around the next corner of my life.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Never Ending

As I was at the dentist last month they were playing "The Never ending Story." a movie from my childhood that I really liked and was really disturbed by at the same time. The story never ends so that left me thinking to myself about what that really means. As I was getting my teeth cleaned and worked on I realized that movie was profound back then even very important for children to see in today's world.

All of life doesn't end, yet some people die early in the story. 
Some people live on forever or so it would feel like at times while each new baby born today will continue on into "Prime Time." as I call it when we are the adult responsible for everything around us. I even told my husband "We ARE Prime time, right now. Those 30 to 50 years old is prime time and while I disagree that when you turn 50 you now old, the way society works however doesn't match up to me saying 70 to 100 is actually old. Although when you are 10 years old everyone is old in your eyes, it rather blows your mind to be 60 when you are 10.....and I was 10 when I watched that movie "The Never ending Story." which shares how children were not reading as much and were not given the self assurance that they were important, that they are valued at any age that they are....
This movie made more sense to me now that I am 39 years old and having to be more responsible with my time, I still color and paint, I still take an afternoon nap especially with my old dogs if I am tired. I still love fantasy and I will always love magic!
But in these years of Prime Time, I realize it's never ending the circle of life. No wonder we suffer from Mid-life crisis or deep depression. Anxiety and unanswered questions often leave us having panic attacks or restless sleep. Being in the Prime Time and worried about the "Terrible nothingness" I can see how everyone copes or adapts. Adulthood doesn't come with a owner's manual, just examples from our family of we make our way through as best we can. I have grown less threaten by other peoples belief systems because if it does them good and helps them live as best that they can I am grateful for them. I will always carry hope with me in everything that I do or in any situation that I have to face. Like a flame of the fire in a cold dark painful world I carry that too. 
It can be very exciting living in the Prime of your life, it can also be very distracting and frustrating too. There is so much to do, so much to learn and only a few decades to capture it all!
The understanding I have is that staying healthy can help along the way but just being present in the here and now is also helpful.  I don't need validation that I was here in my 30's, I simply smile when I remember so that in my 80's I will know that I didn't miss out on any of part it, thanks to my imagination and peace of mind. It can be very sad, it can be very difficult to grow old but I always think about how the story never really ends after I am gone from it.
If we didn't understand death how would we even know that we are alive?
If we didn't tell our stories how does the next generation learn from our mistakes?
If we didn't learn how to be brave and how to be honest then how would we know who the real heroes are?  I think about how angry I was when I was 20 and how much stronger I am arriving to 40. That in everything I have learned maybe the next 20 year old can start from the place I am at now and make the world a more magical good place. 
My husband once said "I thought I would be in a much different place by the time I turned 30, this is just so disappointing." I chuckled and explained "It's best to not put an expectation on the future, It's easier to say I hope to never stop learning and adapting along the way." He rolls his eyes and snorts back "Okay Gandhi." I shrug and smile with a wink back at him, the never ending story is that we are all dealing with our own lives along the way.........

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Never Enough

It's easy to see when 2 people are together, when they have the same shared goals in life that it all works out for them. But when one person changes or decides to chase down a new dream or adventure the other person has to catch up or let them go.

It's hard to see when one changes and the other doesn't, there is a struggle between them. It can take time to discuss and talk about it from each other's view on what is going on with them. Yet there are no guarantees that they will see eye to eye again.
Yet I have been thinking about how 2 different people can help bring balance to their lives, it takes time and it takes respectful space. 
I know that when one person dreams big and chases that feeling, then the other person has to wait and hope it all works out in the end. 
After such a stressful changing year I look back with a sigh, it turned out alright after all.....perhaps it could of been better with less funerals yet this grief gives me a sense of a stronger self now maybe the balance is in how one person feels like it's never enough and the other says "We need for nothing more then this right now."

I was advised from another Lawyer's wife "Once he passes the Bar exam and goes back to work you will never see him again, or he'll just always be working even when he is home." I nodded sadly and sighed knowing this is something i have always understood from the very moment he exclaimed "I was accepted into Law School!" my bitter sweet awareness kicked in as I supported him but always warned "Be very careful with what the real cost is going to be for us in the end."

True happiness never has a price tag on it, but real life sure does..................

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

This Is Me

It's such a powerful song, inspiring and very real.

It's been a long year in getting use to the knowledge that my brother isn't around anymore.

It's good to hear this song in the fact I am not hiding my grief from anyone not even my husband, however he is tired of the topic and we have battled over our clearly made differences.

We'll get through this time I know but I don't make any apologies for my sadness.

This is real and this is me. 

Monday, March 5, 2018

The Greatest Showman

It's a movie I will never get tired of watching, a movie exactly how I feel in bringing everyone together to celebrate their differences and their talents.

The kids who are left out, bullied and teased make for some very brave wise adults!

It's a story so full of life that we can all find someone to relate with or to bring out our best selves.
 I haven't been out in awhile just for fun, so going to this movie was extraordinary to me! 
It's been a rough week in missing my brother Derek and fighting with my husband Tony so I was weary and tired when a friend took me out yesterday just for pure fun..... It's interesting that everything happens at once to challenge ourselves, to teach us that who we are is important and working together better comes at such a cost in a life lesson.

The millions ways we are different from each other brings out all the colors in the rainbow and in the stronger character in all of us.
 I highly recommend this movie for new encouragement, for new energy and a new song to sing!

Thursday, March 1, 2018

My sweet story

              Growing up on an orchard farm was a magical world for me to always look back in pure awe.

My Mother's parents lived in a big house on top of the hill surrounded by fruit trees and the irrigation ditches and canals with the Owyhee mountains as the back drop to our parametric view from our Grandparents home. The snake river was just around the corner with Lizard butte equally seen out in the back yard. As a kid this place was fascinating, as a teenager it was inspiring and as an adult it was better in my memories, for once my Grandparents died it was never as green, as perfect as when they lived there.
Growing up with fresh fruit right off the trees, peaches, plums and apples was made fun by seeing how the farm was run. It was wonderful to have extended family so close, to see everyone for the holidays. If my mother and I had a fight I would simply walk up the hill to get away from her, visiting withe Grandma and my aunts. They would offer advice and wisdom so that I would go back home smarter in how I handled my problems.
If I hadn't had those women in my life whenever things got bad then I wouldn't be back in awe of all my big life lessons and how different from my mother I always am.
My mother struggled in getting along with her family many times I observed this often growing up. Yet she really needed them, she would cling to them at times trying to get them to do exactly what she wanted, she was a great cook who always invited everyone over for a birthday party or a special holiday as a kid I loved seeing everyone come together, as an adult I still do!
At least once or twice a year my mother would get us kids ready for a road trip to Portland and her mother would always join us too.
Grandma Norma came from Portland Oregon after marrying Grandpa Ansil. They were newlyweds on the orchard farm in Wilder Idaho that when I was born, their first Grandchild they had successfully made into thriving, producing farm through those years. So I grew up in the riches of the earth with everything mature, everything established. The sprinklers pop up through out the rows of trees and my youngest Aunt Karen who often babysat us would race down in the mud laughing and encouraging us to do the same while we loved to simply play away those summer days!
When my Aunt Karen went off to college, I cried. 
She was my bubbly, happy and outgoing Aunt who loved to be goofy, to be playful and to always giggle when hugging me. I had a very strong memory after our road trip to Portland, after we found Karen's college my mom was still driving when Grandma saw her baby daughter walking across the parking lot in front of us, since I was sitting in the backseat it startled me that Grandma flew out of the car as mom had to slam on her brakes, Grandma Norma yelled out "Karen! Karen!" her arms opened wide and the true surprise in Aunt Karen as she spun around running into her mother's arms. I stared on in awe of their embrace and wonder of how much they had missed each other! My own mother snapped "She could of waited till I had parked the car." I laughed on thinking how it was such a sweet greeting to see that I would never ever forget it.

The day before my brother's viewing I had gotten my mom ready to get out of her cottage for the sunny afternoon. I had done up her hair and loaded her wheel chair, for I had been out there on the farm with her every day since he had died. It was time to go into town and be among a small safe amount of society.
I drove her to Caldwell Idaho where Aunt Karen waited for us in her coffee shop. It was truly peaceful to get my mother settled, her sister sat beside her all afternoon. The 3 of us ladies shared a very special time. We talked about Grandma and Grandpa, about the best days of the farm and how many adventures in Portland we always had. We laughed, we got teary eyed and we simply delighted in time together. My mother asked her sister for some really nice jewelry to wear at the funeral, my Aunt half hugged her close as all the pain in this sad time washed through us. I said as we left that this had been exactly what we needed. I had arrived feeling weary and worn out but I left smiling at how it had been the perfect afternoon with us ladies resting over refreshments about to face the next 2 days of such grieving loss. Aunt Karen and My Mother sitting together as my Mom says to her "My Baby Boy has died." they lean into each other and I simply let my tears quietly rolling down my face.