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Monday, January 22, 2018

Dreams to Dream by Linda Ronstadt lyrics

Speak your Truth

It's been an interesting thing to me in seeing Oprah every where online because of her powerful inspiring speech at the Golden Globes. 

Since Oprah won the life time achievement award she gave a speech to help women fight against abuse while still making it big as she has done.

I remembered how I never missed an Oprah episode back in the days of my 20's if I could help it. For I planned everything around that 4pm hour when on regular TV channels I would hear her show start up as I started cooking dinner. 
Then I would go sit down and take it all in! Her show was so Awesome! I learned something new each day!
(It really was a wonderful time in my life back then, following her show like that)

Oprah said at the Awards show "Speak your Truth." Something that I have always done and it sure got me into trouble! I know what she meant, but I also know more now about how to do that without getting into so much trouble as I use to...My husband has often said I lacked the understanding of my truth not being everyone else's truth.
As I am older now I can see what he meant, I am also far more cynical now because he always confronts me when I get excited about a new idea or a new passion for something to speak about...
He brings in more information for me to not just live up in the clouds and enjoy my own little world as I have so often did growing up.
I know speaking your truth sounds great for a moment in fame, speaking your truth is a brave move when facing a bully in your life, speaking your truth is good all around advice as long as you have a sense for when that is possible and when it's best to be quiet.
How about LISTEN with truth?
We never put much focus on listening, we all have something to say for sure!
But to say "Listen in Truth, Listen in love for those around you."
Just listen.
Listen and learn.
I have come to feel at peace in not speaking at all lately.
I have seen some crazy scary things in last couple of weeks that leaves me very humble in being quiet.

I am very afraid of the future, I am worried for those I love to suffer pain and heart ache as I have, I wish I could speak my truth in changing the stories of stressful tears to loving laughter.....(perhaps it's why I write to capture the wonder of being alive and finding that deep purpose in all of it)

When I say "I have no words." I feel this fear in me that I am defeated.

When I just listen I feel like I am right where I am meant to be, in fear and in tears I just am.

When I speak my truth these days it straight forward in hopes to help others feel safe enough to do so too but if they don't that is quite alright with me too.

When I look back over my life I was everything I ever want to be, so I am grateful to just be calm and peaceful right now, my fear is real and my time is short, so I'll just listen to my favorite song awhile longer this morning then................ 

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

The Cranberries - Dreams

My life is changing every day in every possible way, but I am thankful for my memories triggered by songs, by great moments when I was so happy, when the summer air blew into my car as I drove to the park singing this song then walking my dog among the beauty of the Boise river and the bright blue sky!
My life in my 20's was very simple and now as I face my 40's I realize keeping it simple isn't easy and maybe not even my own choice.....

My quick reply to co-workers back then when ask "what kind of music to do you like?" I would say "The Cranberries." instantly and proudly while they would roll their eyes or laugh saying "I can see that for sure." 

My taste in music and in pop culture was always about good things, profound deep things that held heart and soul for me. I never followed a popularity trend, I just loved what I loved and I thought that I would always be 25 years old in many ways pure happy and living in the sun light fully with music like this!

My heart has been on a journey and some days I am weary in how it is now, yet some days I think this is what progression really is growing pains and a reality that only in  music we can revisit our past. I am proud of all things I had in my life, in how I sang and dance so easily to this song all the time!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The Cranberries - Analyse

I just learned that Dolores O' Riordan died yesterday in London. How beautiful she was.....
How even more beautiful was her voice!
Her songs and her classy music videos have always been a favorite of mine.

I just realized how much her music, her many popular songs played on through the decade of my 20's.

I just think back to those days with a smile and with many tears now, How beautiful that her singing decorated my life so much!

I just wish I could of stayed there in time, her songs now take me back in that instant magical way she was able to transport us all through her music and her perfect singing.

Maybe it was just my imagination but her music made my past years so memorable.......

Monday, January 15, 2018

The Pain

This morning was a very emotional one for me as my dear friend Carol called me with horrific news that her wonderful big fluffy fun cat Penny had been murder, perhaps by a raccoon in the way it was left for Carol to find.

In the trauma of this and in the shock of her beloved cat suddenly dead she called me and we cried together. "Oh My God!" was all I could first say, then "I'm so sorry! Oh Honey,  I loved that cat, you gave her the best life ever! She was such a cuddling queen!"
When we have these pets in our lives every single day, they sleep on our pillows with us and in our arms all day long, they get the biggest part of our heats and our shared life together which brings out our very best love to share to the whole world!
The sudden death of Penny Lady, a cat so awesome in all her stories and adventures makes me realize the death of a pet is always so heart breaking, always so painful for the companionship we have grown to enjoy in our daily lives is now gone.

This morning I cried for my friend, it's interesting to me that Penny was like a celebrity to me. I enjoyed seeing pictures of her online and I laughed over so many clever cat stories she would pull on Carol. 
When Carol explained that she called me once she could calm down and stop screaming, I burst out crying even more for her because I know that kind of pain and that kinda of trauma in sudden death. I think we do scream to let out the fear, let out the shock, we scream to let out the sudden pain that slices our very soul. As we scream when facing sudden death of a loved one we release all that pain, all that heart break to bring back within our lungs new air, we need to scream out when our pain is so very deep and so very great. 
In the new air and in the new deep breath we take on the next step towards our trauma.
In being able to realize screaming is the only proper reaction to this moment we are released of all our fear. It'll still be there that fear and pain in any devastating situation but we will be made stronger for knowing to just let go, the story has suddenly changed.
We can't re-write nor can we fix it so we resolve to react and then cry our hearts out to the pain of death that is always there especially if we loved so deeply.

The pain of death is something I know very well, so I think of how it can never be avoid. Although like this morning it can sure take us by surprise!

I am so grateful we can cry to release this very same pain along the way, we can be motivated by anger and be made smart by fear in this pain of loss as well,  but I am ever so grateful for just crying.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

The Reality

And I know this to be very true.
I know that I am not ashamed of who I am now just wish I could remember what use to make me feel brave back then? I am rebuilding myself or I want to remember something about who I was before the day my brother died? I think it's such a deep personal quest in what I am facing that at times I feel as though I can't carry another new moment of the future.  I know these are reactions to trauma, to painful loss and hurting grief as I have faced but sometimes I just need to write it out.........

The reality is we are all running out of time. The future will not slow down. We can only choose how to react and even then we might not have the strength to face it ever again.....

I know that my grief will never go away, and I am growing comfortable with that knowledge.  
It's like the deep blue sea once you see it you are never the same. 
Not ever..............

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The Future's Open Wide....

Jon Katz writes about our instant online connection that can be misunderstood, judgmental and hurtful.
             He captures a very real problem in our instant chats or our instant emails to one another, we can leave a comment in reply to what we think or how we feel without seeing the face of the other person who just posted something that now triggers our responses.  

We judge when we are not even aware that we are judging! 

These are crazy days in our society, as our President Trump tweets out his feelings at 3am from the White House or his Trump tower. 
It reminds me of a video game when he makes the next move and send out the next topic for everyone else to handle in the morning!

I feel exhausted by this whole system sometimes, and yet I also get online every morning with my coffee to check in on how everyone I love is doing, I wonder what on the main topics in the news, then I smile when I receive a message of facebook! the pros and cons are in there on my lap top.

I feel like we need a whole new book entitled "Miss Manner's new social media world." A How to behave when online in order to stay sane, kind of book....

I feel like some basic tips and basic healthy boundaries are needed to guide us better.

I guess where ever there are people coming together in conversation or in connection then misunderstanding, disagreements and arguments will unfold.
In today's world that is just one click away, not just reserved for family reunions anymore......

It's important to share and to connect, to give each other a chance in learning and growing along side this whole new world of online stories.  
I wonder in a hundred years what it will show of us, what will the future people think of our behavior?

I sure hope we can be proud of it in the end.........