Search This Blog

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Take me Home






"Were you born in the Mountains?" the little kid I was babysitting asked me this as we walked to the park, I choked on a laugh asking "What?" He explained in his adorable wise 5 year old self "You know, like are you from the mountain people?" I smiled big in surprise by him answering back in a nod "Well yes....actually I was born in the mountains." He explained "I KNEW IT! I was thinking you had to of been born from the mountains because you don't care about all the things people from the city care about....you wear whatever you want and you live just like the people from the mountains do!"
I joined him on the swings looking right out into the mountains surrounding the City of Boise Idaho and I smiled. I replied back "I guess you are right! I never thought about it like that before, I am apart of the mountain people! That explains a lot for me actually, HA!"
We enjoyed the beautiful June day at the park next to those beautiful mountains.

The Stars Of June

   The stars of June are bright and brilliant! I have been studying over the years what it means to be born under those very same stars!

My Brother Derek had these stars shinning over him the moment he was born on June 13, 1982.
The magic of it all leaves me in wonder!

How grateful I am to of known him in my life!

How very Gemini he really was too, it makes me smile in remembering him and how blessed I am to of been his sister, as an Aquarius I can see why we often got along so good, our star patterns were shinning nicely together....

I sure will miss that,
       I guess the stars never leave us in the end.

How fast is the month of June flying by? I look up at the night's sparkling sky as Gemini leaves me and I feel sad to see my brother's sign go.

How I see now that the clock on the wall is pointing North, I hear the tick tack of time, I feel the hurt in this great painful grief that only the mountains can remind me of this earth's beauty once again!

How I feel stretched thin, and lost in a long list of craziness. The stars remind me that it will all work out however that will look in the end.

How I long for the scent of pine trees, and the laughter in family! 
And so I leave tomorrow, I will head north under the June sky!


Friday, June 16, 2017

Music in June

On June 13, 2014 Onerepublic came to Boise Idaho and I had zero money for a ticket....I was falling all over myself to try and get a ticket and spent that evening walking all around the hillside in hope to hear them from the stadium, I felt so helpless not getting to see them, not getting to hear every single song that I know so well.
But at the same time I had an adventure on my own through the city of Boise, thinking about how I will never want to repeat those days of living penny to penny, or as I often said "We are living on eggs!"
(It's true, the incredible edible egg can help the hungriest person survive another day!)
.......so even if I had the 80 bucks to buy a ticket to see one of my most favorite bands play here in Boise on that beautiful magical June summer day.....well, I would of said "No." For 80 bucks is exactly how much my pet food is every month. 
I learned through trail and error, through embarrassment and social awkward moments to never make a dog grooming appointment unless I have the cash in hand. For those years of my husband in law school were the hardest days of zero money. I was able to make 30 dollars last longer then most people even, yet it changed me forever. I could never go back to assuming if I wanted to see a music concert I would just go like I did with all kinds of events back when we were first married and both working full time. I am a very different person now, it's a good thing I think......sometimes I am sad remembering how carefree I was back then but now I am glad that I will NEVER go back, never be a consumer. I like knowing there is far more to life then buying things, then trying to look good. I like knowing now how bad, how broke I can be and STILL be so very happy! I will never be afraid of the future, never wondered when our "ship comes in." If my husband disagrees in the future with me then I will simply tip my hat to him, leave him to live the kind of life he wants for I would never ever want to hold him back, and I will never want a castle to live in as well. Life is funny like that I think......we all grow old and change, sometimes we change together and sometimes we change apart yet the only thing that matters is that we bring out the best in those around us. I don't think I always bring out the best in my husband as he says that I am "Shell shocked." That I am damaged by the last four years of poverty, I don't see the future full or prosperity like he does. I have to take a deep breath when he says this, and know he could be right.......I shouldn't put a damper on his dreams. He is finally 30 percent happy right now! I wish I could call Benny and tell her for we would laugh again! I wish I could trust that it will get better but I am in no hurry to change. I really like who I am right now, I like knowing how to make 200 dollars last 6 months, and still BE there for everyone who needs me! 
When I started up my organized money envelopes, I realized that even if I had more money in our bank, I would now use that for all the charities, the social programs and needs in my community. I will never go back to buying a 40 dollar skirt! (And yes that still bugs me, I was so stupid and young)  
Looking back over the law school years we would of never survived if I didn't fill those envolopes up first before doing anything else. (Thank you Dave Ramsey)
      I would even mad at my husband if he bought a six pack of beer when things were painfully tight. "That's taking money away from my much needed eggs!" I would panic and then feel bad for him too.
He would reply "I just need a break, one beer till it gets better.....god, and it has to get better right?" 
I shrugged not knowing at all helplessly wondering my self then adding in a bit of hope saying "OneRepublic is in town tonight! I've been listening to them all day! Oh how I wish I could be there!" My husband replied in horror "Sounds miserable, AND it's expensive! I am surprised at you for wanting to go.....usually you have better common sense. My beer is nothing to the cost of going to a concert! THEN when you get seated you'll still want a beer! So 20 bucks later you'll wonder why ya even went to this crazy crowded loud concert to begin with!"
I laughed at my honest husband as I turn up the radio on our back patio saying "I know, I know, but I would of loved seeing them....just like I will always remembering seeing Cher back in the day! Maybe tonight we'll just sit around the fire pit and relax, listening to One Republic on the radio then." My husband handed me an open beer saying "That's my girl!"




Thursday, June 15, 2017

The pearls of June

                                                                                                                  It's so BEAUTIFUL in JUNE! 
It's so comforting and full of promise to be aware of how precious are these days in such a great summer month!
And so June is like the discovery of a real pearl in the whole long year.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

One Summer night

It was a night I knew that I would never ever forget.
And I am now realizing that my greatest memories often start like that....

It was a summer night I would never forget!

It was the very best memory that I can ever recall from my childhood, and I have many but THIS was a night to top them all.

It was the beginning and the ending all in one night.

It was summer time on the farm, I was 18 years old.

My sister Dana was 17, my brother Derek was celebrating his 15th birthday.
Little Daren was 4 years old while on Dana's shoulders Dougie was not yet 2 in this picture. Our Mother made homemade ice cream that evening for Derek's birthday. We were all in such great spirits, we were all getting along in such a peaceful wonderful magical way!

It was the best night of our lives that I knew I needed to grab my camera and snap a picture of it! I knew in my heart and soul I would remember this summer night all the rest of my life!
It wasn't ever bad, wasn't ever stressful or chaotic.

It was that ONE perfect summer night! It was my brother Derek's 15th birthday! I was in such awe of it all!

The scent from the cooling charcoal BBQ where we ate big juicy hamburgers, we ate with our mother laughing and simply delighting in being with each other at the picnic table. The motor sound of the ice cream being made was in the back ground as Dana and Derek took off to kick the soccer ball up and down the driveway while I helped Mom get the little boys cleaned up for our late night dessert.
I washed up the dishes quickly feeling so happy, laughing and singing loudly. Mom joining in with me as she put food away, I was in awe for my mother singing along beside me for usually she had a distracting frown on her face but in this my most perfect memory she sang with me as the whole world was perfect around us!
I glanced out the window to see my sister Dana walking back toward the house as the sun was setting with her arm around Derek and his arm around her. I smiled so proudly just watching them, for it had been a difficult journey through puberty for us all. We had stressful battle lines, chaos and drama. Yet on THIS night while Derek was enjoying his 15th birthday, everything was perfect!

I stepped outside into the cool summer air, after everything was made beautiful in the kitchen and Mom was reading on her couch saying she was so excited to finish her book. I dance under the stars with Daren as Dana blared the radio from her bedroom window out to us in the yard.

Derek brought out the volley ball and it was game on!

Now we didn't have a volley ball net but we did have a pole in the ground so if the ball went through that marker it was "NET!" We laughed so hard till tears rolled down our cheeks, the little boys were right there with us pretending to be playing volley ball as we helped them and then cheer out loudly, we jumped up and down as the night roll out to midnight with such excitement!

Dana had her christmas lights to help us see as it grew darker and darker we didn't stop playing volleyball till 1am!

And we never quieted down in fear, not once did we look at the clock.
The little boys found their sleepy heads on the blankets and pillows piled up in the living room with our mother still reading on the couch beside them.

We teenagers had made a big fort of bedding for them and for us as Dana announced "It's a SLUMBER PARTY! Booyah!" Mom laughed at her and completely agreed letting us all sleep there in one big group!

I told ya this was the BEST memory of my whole childhood/teenage years!

Derek, Dana and I played that volley ball until our arms hurt, we chase off the bats, the coyotes and the June Bugs with such high energy!

We sang at the top of our lungs to every song we loved.

That volley ball game was one of the best ever of course, we cheered for each other we just wanted to keep that ball up in the air for as long as we could!

We never corrected, never scolded or judged each other. We never lost our tempers, never hit or kicked. 

I stood back in awe of this night.

I loved the scent of summer, of that great night in June.

Derek and Dana jumped into the ditch water just up from our volley ball "court" our sparkling yard. "Come on Woman! It'll help cool ya down!" my sister called out as I asked "Do rats swim at night????" Derek and Dana laughed so hard when I accidentally slipped in the muddy side and I was scrambling out of there like a wet cat!

They held each other as they were weak from laughing as I laid on the dry ditch bank like I had almost been burned alive, yet I laid there from weakness of laughing at myself too!

The stars were so bright up the hillside away from our home, our mother's lamp gave a soft glow to the window.
Our baby brothers were sound asleep after we had included them in our never ending volley ball game.

After having gotten wet from the irrigation ditch, after having laugh so hard our ribs were hurting as we hiked up towards our grandparents big house. We had soft cool dirt between the rows of all those apple trees that stuck to us like clay as we were soaked through but happily went to our favorite spot in long soft grass of the small orchard it opened up to the moon light above us!

My heart was bursting by ALL the magic I saw!

The stars were like diamonds, the moon was brilliant! We just laid on our backs on that long soft grass looking up into a perfect place in time!

Dana, Derek and I.

ALL was right with the world, ALL was right with the Universe. ALL was right with God and for us it ALL ended to soon.

I leaned into Dana giggling together as Derek explained the how important deep space is to the earth. We were all so happy in this day, we were relaxed and we were friends. 

My brother and My sister. We were the best of friends that night! We were there for each other with one adventure right after another!

That one summer night was and IS my most favorite memory of my whole life time in that family! From the past, this is a moment in time that I love remembering, ALWAYS.

The 5 am hour had all of even our mother sound asleep in the living room, to the pink sunrise that surrounded our farm home as we slept so deeply, to the sound of roosters crowing just up the road from us, I knew as I looked around at everyone that this was a moment in time I would cherish, I would to my heart!

As Mom flipped the crepes in the mid morning she smiled and asked Derek "So did you have a good birthday?" He beamed so happily and nodded while dishing up fresh berries and whip cream for those perfectly made crepes, he said "It was PERFECT." I said with a wink "See, I told ya that summer birthdays are far better then winter birthdays...." Derek smiled back at me and nodded.


.......and so 20 years ago today, I still cherish that one summer night!

Happy birthday in heaven my dear brother!







Monday, June 12, 2017

Coldplay - Everglow Lyrics






I miss my brother Derek, for he died in the snow.........................

I don't want a life without him.

I miss him so much, I really do.


     And I'll never let him go......................

One Hubcap

       
I grabbed my car keys and say goodbye to my family, just as my mother came into the doorway calling out "You have to take your brother with you."

I protested on my way to my car "Why? I'm sure he has better things to do then hang out with me and my Boyfriend?" The word "boyfriend." always made her eyes widen in true fear. I knew what I was doing at the age of 20, I knew that with my mom I had to say it bluntly, boldly so she could process it and change her ways of trying to control me. I did this with everything about my life that I knew she would feel upset about. I wanted to always stay an honest person no matter how hard she made it for me. So
I simply said it, I simply took ownership of it with no fear.

Derek jumped into my car after Mom had hunted him down quickly as I didn't wait around starting up my new car while kissing goodbye my baby brothers, the house was noisy and busy so as Derek came running to be with me I said sarcastically to him "Oh yes, run run for Mom will want a full report, so keep your eyes and ears open....Oh my god! Debby has a boyfriend!" I mocked the whole situation with a dramatic gasp for air.
He looked disheveled and deeply annoyed that our mom has demanded him to go out with me as I carelessly waved her on like it was no big deal to be dating, if our mother had her way we would never date OR we would stay there with her over dinner in what she said was God's true system called "Courting properly. Never alone to sin or get into some kind of trouble."
Derek buckled up beside me as I drove out into the country roads heading into the next town where my boyfriend Tony lived. As the radio blared on my Cher songs, he rolled his eyes saying in such a "know-it-all" teenage boy way, "This is all YOUR fault here, telling everyone you have a boyfriend without EVEN asking them what they thought!?!?! You are starting to act like Dana now." I snapped back quickly "Oh hell no, I am not trying cause ANY drama! I am a grown woman who knows her own life goals and adventures ahead. I would proudly tell a complete stranger what I am "up to" these days with no shame!"
Derek sighed helplessly, "I didn't have time to shower or get ready to leave the house!?!" I chuckle and nod proudly "No, shit. I didn't invite you so I can see why ya didn't plan to hang out with me and Tony today...." 
He burst out angerily "I am not sure you know what a big deal ALL of this is!?!?!?....you were suppose to be doing the whole courtship thing, Mom said that you agreed to not to date so this now makes you look sneaky!?!?!"
 I snapped back at him "I never agreed to her, I just let her talk on and on about it, until I suddenly realized THIS is my future here not hers! AND I like dating, it's peaceful to have one to one conversations without a million and one questions, without all the distractions around a dinner table with everyone, I get to spend time with MY boyfriend to see if I even want to invite him out for a family dinner or not. SO it doesn't matter how Mom and Dad feel about this because it's MY future not theirs."
    Derek shrugged from the passenger seat "I am just saying this is why mom sends me out with you every time, because she thinks you are up to no good. How do we even know we can trust this guy???" 
I chuckled at how honest Derek was being, he was sharing what him and Mom talk about when I am not around. 
I admired him for that because for all the years in the past...our sister Dana and I always knew he was Mom's favorite spy. We knew how the game was played.
So as I drove on out to Tony's house that Saturday afternoon I realized that I liked knowing what was really going all on around me with my family.
I thoughtfully shared back to Derek who sat frustrated and worried "Look, I am a smart person when it comes to judging the kind of people I want to hang out with. AND when it comes to knowing what is right or wrong for me I am smart about that too. I don't shy away from saying exactly what I think, SO if I can't trust my boyfriend then I will kick him to the curb without a second thought. I didn't just go out one day because I was bored and randomly decide to have a boyfriend, I knew it would upset EVERYONE (except Grandma Norma she just loves him) I knew it would make everyone uncomfortable for awhile when I decided to make it public that Tony and I are now really dating. He knows what all my rules are, he knows what I believe in, and what I have planned for my life. He is very respectful in still wanting to be around me even though I am not compromising in an way of who I am. Just give him a chance at the next family dinner....you'll see he is very smart and very sweet. AND keep in mind that I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't good like that." Derek sighed and tilted his head "But Mom thinks you should court someone from OUR church instead. There are a lot of new single men there, it's safer. " I laughed fully and winked back at my brother "Oh dear God, I know that she says that, but I have spend some time around those guys, I didn't feel all that safe at times and I sure as hell am not going to marry someone just because we went to the same church! I know Mom has all her own ideas of who I was going to be when I grew up....she told me all about the other day actually, and I realized while listening to her that I am the only one who knows what is best for myself." Derek added quickly "and God, God knows what is best for you too." I smiled and sighed realizing Derek was still holding on so tightly to the way our family once was, back when we were just kids.
I decided to enjoy the whole day with my brother Derek shadowing behind me every where, I drove on out towards town thinking about how my new boyfriend Tony was going to be able to handle this sudden change of my mom sending Derek along with us to the movies.
I smiled to myself thinking "This could be interesting to watch how he treats my family."
       The conversations between Tony and Derek were instantly a long diatribe of what they each knew about a certain topic. 
I sat back as we headed back out to the movies, I drank my ice coffee while also listening to the radio, laughing at them or chiming into their long discussions/debates. Those 2 guys were not stopping any time soon in such conversations.
While Tony was a good sport with having Derek around that day, and Derek was clearly on a mission to find fault with Tony. He was looking for ANYTHING that was compromising in this new guy in our lives. 
          I patted Tony's arm saying "Derek isn't in charge here." whenever we sat alone for a moment, Tony snorted back "Well he sure as hell is acting like the boss of you." I grinned in understanding and winked back at Tony "Welcome to my family, this is just how it is." He shook his head in confusion to my calm confident self.
              As we drove back to Tony's home that night after the movie, Tony drove my car with Derek in the backseat watching Tony's every move very carefully, I simply delighted in the summer smells, the heated discussions the 3 of us had had through out the outing and my sharp sense of real adventures ahead in our young lives. 

I liked that we 3 were all together in my car under the night's sky.

         Tony suddenly challenged us "Does your Mom not realize you are almost 21 years old? Does she NOT know how ridiculous she is being? What does she think that you are still in high school?Do you not realize she is manipulating you???" I laughed out loud "Of course I know, I know all the games my mother plays. Why do you think it's so important to me in NOT playing games? and I would NEVER dream of dating in high school, Good god! what would be the point? I would of been way to young for marriage!" Tony looked to the side as he drove on, he looked at me as if I were from another planet!
While Derek sat in the backseat listening and watching. He was nodding his approval to me for handling my self as Tony seemed to grow more annoyed by the whole event of the day in suddenly having my brother with us.
 As he tried to understand us better, as he tired to figure out what kind of parents we had. He felt like he was being "tested" against his will, he drove on through town suddenly showing off a bit, suddenly acting like he didn't have to "prove himself." because he already knew that he was "cool." then just as he jerked the car around he miss judged the curb of the sidewalk next to the road and my hubcap went flying off into the country side of darkness. 
I burst out laughing at the humor I saw in slow motion like cartoon drawing as a piece of my car just flew away! 
Tony was clearly embarrassed and Derek flew off the handle, I waved Derek out of the car with me after he said to Tony "What were you THINKING!?!?!" Tony sat there helplessly surprised by how fast my car could suddenly move.
I was stilling giggling as I said to Tony "We'll be right back, no worries! we just go get the hubcap out there!"
Derek went off to me "How could let HIM drive your car!?!?! How could put us all in such DANGER on the road!?!?!? He's CRAZY, he's reckless, he should NOT be driving YOUR car! and I really don't think he's all that smart." 
I burst out laughing again as Derek and I walked through the dark wide open field where we last saw that hubcap spin off into the darkness, with only the summer moon above I could see my brother's face of fury and alarm.
I walked beside him realizing he didn't see the humor in any of this! not like I did, so I replied back quickly "Oh no, Tony is very smart.....he is mostly book smart though, I have noticed that social smarts is a stronger trait in me. I am always learning something new from him though. We have such a great debates, we have so much in common, really we do!" Derek walked around looking for my lost hubcap saying "You shouldn't let him drive your car, look what just happened!" I smiled and nodded knowingly explaining "He was just showing off for a moment and I have already told him not do that, I hate being around people who show off. So he is worried right now about all of this, just look back at his face and see that he does feel bad to loose my hubcap out here!" Derek paused for a moment after all his venting, I smiled proudly at my concerned brother as we trucked through the tall weeds in the darkness, Derek exclaimed as we had not yet found my missing hubcap "This is impossible to find out here and it's dangerous!" I nodded as I said "Well make sure when you give Mom a full report about tonight that you tell her how I said I would NOT be clear out here all by myself, it's only because YOU are with me that I am even trying to find it....and try not to bitch Tony out anymore, okay?' Derek burst out in protest "What are you talking about? I don't report back to Mom!?!?!?" I tossed my head back at him replying "HA! whatever dude." He was fuming once again with his hands on his hips standing strong and in front of me as he exclaimed "I don't spy for Mom! and if I did it's ONLY because she cares about you and needs to know is happening right now in your life.....and I don't "bitch" people out I "chew" them out especially when they are in the wrong!" I shrugged walking pass Derek back towards the headlights of my car, I realized this was an important moment in our lives, a defining of who we were now as adulthood had arrived. I turned back to Derek who was reluctantly following me "I don't care if you report me back to Mom and Dad, say whatever you need to say to them. For I know who I am, I know what I stand for and what I want my life to look like as I move forward. So don't worry about me, for I will NEVER be in an abusive relationship not even after I get married! and I will NEVER EVER find myself unwantingly pregnant! Perhaps even more important for you to know is that if I discover down the road that Tony is horrible to our kids if we start up a family then I will do anything and everything to protect those kids above ALL else....I am not afraid of "come what may." I know who I am and how I will react to craziest scenario in the future, so don't worry about me, I am a strong smart person." Derek walked beside me looking all around at the darkness of the wide open field listening carefully to me as I jumped back into the car where Tony waited and worried. I smiled cheerfully "Well, looks like we couldn't find it out there at all." Derek slid into the back seat leaning right in between Tony and I adding "And so now my sister has to drive a car with one hubcap missing!?!?! What do YOU have to say for yourself?" Tony looked so alarmed then rather annoyed as he said very straight forward right into the rear view mirror back at Derek "I am going to go home and order her a replacement from online." Derek folded his arms and sat back impressed by Tony's direct look. Derek said "Good Answer." I burst out laughing again as I could see Tony steaming in the equal levels that Derek was against each other.
The tension, the quietness in the car as we 3 drove on back to Tony's home made me suddenly burst out into smiles, winks and a song....I wanted my boyfriend and my brother to relax and realize I wasn't as upset about all of this as they were. 
So under the starry summer sky, as the wind blew into the little car with a missing hubcap, I sang at the top of my lungs with my arms waving out ".....AND we can drive it Hooooooome, with ONE hubcap!....missing. Hahahahahahaha" Tony and Derek both shook their heads at me as I smiled back at them so proud of my cute cleverness!