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Friday, October 20, 2017

Idaho Landscapes

               It had been 4 years since my husband and I had taken a vacation, a real relaxing vacation. I struggled greatly in not wanting to leave my pets, but it all turned out even though I felt like there was so much to do to get on the road.....
My Oscar has been acting up, easily attacking our Minnie. It makes him an unstable old dog now that I stay very close to him at all times or he goes off by himself wanting a break from everyone even the cat Tinker bell who he grew up with. So I know he's coming to the end of his life getting him some pain killing meds I noticed he improved as we moved this last September.
Yet now he gets confused, he doesn't see as well and he drools all the time in lacking some of his teeth. My heart's joy is that he melts into me and lays his head under my chin on my shoulder as I carry him, we still run and play, we still toss the ball and we are still mostly always fact I have no plans for the future in my understanding NOW is all we have to be together, I am not going any where without my Oscar <3 
Taking this road trip up north, Tony and I talked about the death of our pets as we can see on the horizon of was good to share about what we will do to be on the same page at such a sad time ahead. That magical Idaho landscape helped me know that I proud of how I raised Oscar, how I spoil Sidda and how I enjoy Minnie! How all 3 cats were left setup safely 2 big litter boxes each and a friend to check on their water/food. Cats are always easier to leave home when on a week long vacation...Oscar was able to spend his time withe his "Grandpa" Kelly and Sidda was cuddled by "Grandma." Teresa as Tony and I rented a lovely place by the Couerd"Alene lake where Minnie loved being an only dog in our care. 

It was so beautiful every where as fall was in full force! 
I drove on in such joy of this adventure ahead!
It was so much fun to realize I needed to get out into the world around me.....
For my pet care, my unpacking boxes, my car troubles, my concern over my mother have all kept me distracted lately.

So we rented a car for the open road! 
We talked and laughed a long the way!
We felt like we were kids at play or on a new holiday!
What a magically new way to see the landscape of Idaho! 
I hope to do more driving out and about in it in the future!

I am grateful to learn on this trip just how tired I am in my heart and soul, how worried I've been over everything and realizing I need to heal, I learned how much older I have grown, how my body has changed to feel aged. I enjoy the week away for it gave me insight into my own mind and my own new way of living. I do love my new home, my brother's home....I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.
Yet sometimes Idaho's landscape reminds me that nothing will last, nothing will be as important as the sun set, the fresh air and the beauty of this earth.

I am grateful to cry and to hurt among the ever green trees as I miss my brother Derek.
I am grateful to hug and to visit with our extended family up north through out that vacation get away week.

I am now in awe of Idaho's beauty and comfort in living here.

Coming home just before the bad winter weather arrived made me think about the future because nothing stays the same so I shouldn't worry so much, yet for now I am slowing down. I am here in this home and moment of time.

I count my blessing looking around me at 3 napping old pup pups, in 3 cuddling purring kitties. 
I count my blessing in being a homemaker, In my baking and my cooking, I count my blessings in cleaning my new home and honoring the memory of Derek.

For the future is open wide, the future is beautiful like a Idaho sun rise.....
..... and yet we will always have to say "Goodbye."

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Sia - To Be Human

Monday, October 16, 2017

To be Human

"To be human is to love even when it gets to much. I'm not ready to give up."
I stood out on the wrap around deck of the Trinity Pines Lodge stretching out before me was a horizon of real beauty full of ever green trees and mountains touching the clouds wide open is the sky up to space that all I saw was such beauty of this earth!

I breathed in the fresh air of the early morning with my cup of coffee in my hand and my fuzzy sweater on as my mother was all ready for the day ahead and visiting with the ladies inside.

The song "To be human." by Sia kept running through my mind, 
For it's so peaceful up in Cascade Idaho. 
I am human, I am on a journey every day and being reminded of how I came from this woman, my mother gives me peace of mind and a deeper understanding in all the stories of my past, especially in dealing with her. I have gained more insight from her since her stroke then I could ever of imagined, I am grateful. 
Of course I will always wish this had never happened to her and that she remained more of a stranger to me, Because she wouldn't of had all this suffering, she would be more in control of her life still. 
She would of kept a ton of information away from me to which I could still be living on in my own happy "bubble." just a bit longer....
It's would of been nice to just stay in place back then, to have only those small social encounters with her.
and yet over these last 6 years I have been given a crystal ball into all things concerning her, therefore I'm grateful. 

To be human is to keep learning so I guess it wasn't meant to be that formal between us. 

My mother needs me to do anything or everything, she needs my strength when getting up from the wheel chair, she needs my pillows when rolling over in bed, she needs my quick setup for each meal and my constant joking around at shower time. 
I am grateful to know how to balance her safely, how to dress her quickly and how to style her hair while delighting in simply being girlie took this tragic event to be this close for us.

To be human is to kick ass in the face of fear or evil.
To be human is to stand strong even if it gets to much.
To be human is to understand you don't want to ever give up! be human is to delight in all things knowing nothing will ever last.....

I was reminded on that busy weekend with my mother as she celebrated her 60th birthday, as she struggled to keep up with her more mobile busy friends in the ladies church retreat I was reminded that I came along in my mother's life way to early, she wasn't ready for motherhood. She wasn't ready for a lot of things she had to face back then.

I was reminded of how now through grace I see her pain and her struggles through all her stories and all her memories she has shared with me some of the most difficult things to hear....I am meant to just be an ear for her, I realize it helps me know the whole story of my own life time.

To be human is to know we aren't alone on this earth.

Through my mother's eyes I came along in such a shocking way that now she still says "No one told me how it all worked I had to learn as I went, I thought I had the flu lasting 3 months, until someone said that I could be pregnant. I didn't know that's how that worked at when Debby was born everything changed, no one asked me how I was anymore they all wanted to know about her." I nodded thoughtfully smiling a moment for my mother sometimes forgets who I am, since she sees me now as a middle aged woman, I'm more as her friend and helper not her first born little baby, so those memories of her past are of different people then of right now. 
Sometimes when her information is very hard to hear I think about just how much I love forgiveness, how much I love grace, and most importantly I love knowing more information about the story of life. 

To be human is understand others better.

My life was influenced deeply by this woman I can now see her for the truth, I can now understand that she never knew what I knew when I arrived to adulthood, her adulthood was very different......(Well, no wonder we had so much conflict back then. Our battle lines were strong and we came from totally different sides of the story)
I walked around the evergreen trees at the retreat realizing that I will never escape her religion, her stories and her ways....She is my mother whom I will not have on the earth another 60 years so why was I born unto her? Why was I always freaking her out when I was a kid? Why was she threaten by me when I was a teenager and why did she cling to me when I was a young adult? Why did my mother use my baby brothers to guilt me into living at home for so long? Why do I try so hard to make her world better now as she strolls along in her wheel chair? For every shared laugh and every shared meal and every shared car ride I count it all joy, I count it all so vital to who I am in knowing her better.....Yet, it's all such a mixed bag of emotions so in the end I can understand it all much better the older I get. Who she was is why I am.

To be human is to make mistakes, to grow.

      Back when I was just a kid I watched the Tv show "Wonder Woman." in those early 80's days, so whenever my mother would freak out over something I would go outside to play as if I was Wonder Woman. 
I would twirl around and around until I turned into the super hero of my dreams! A brave woman full of heart like that show I watched so intensely, A beautiful woman fighting crime for she was fearless and she was fighting back with her bullet proof bracelets! 
Oh how I loved being Wonder Woman in my imagination all the time through out my childhood.

To be human is to always hold onto hope, that same hope I had as a kid, that now I remember as I spin around through time, spin through my life from the past, the present and the future as I twirl in place saying "Wonder woman!" I stop with my arms up, with my wrists touching each other bracing myself for protection and feeling such new power in my steady focus on fighting back! For this world can come at us fast that sometimes we need to brace ourselves for impact, we need to know who we are and why whenever the shit hits the fan.

To be Human is to be brave and honest.

I use to think that my mother looked exactly like Wonder Woman in her great beauty, in her dark wavy hair and in her confident smile. Before I ever understand anything about her, my mother, I learned to walk, to speak and to just be as she watched over me. 

"No more Wonder Woman at the table." My mother set my dinner plate down and I pulled off the hair bands from my wrists as she rolled her eyes explaining "There's only ONE super hero in this world and it's God." I smiled at her with a nod saying right back at her "And I bet he would LOVE to marry her if he could."

Monday, October 2, 2017

Rob Thomas - Pieces

On this early cold fall morning as I brewed the coffee and called out "Okay Google, what's the news?"
I stood frozen in action as I listen to the updated alarming news coverage of the Los Vegas country music concert shooting.
I burst into tears and held on to my kitchen counter for a moment of deep sorrow over the terror those people all went through.
It made me recall the night club shooting that happened a year ago, and it really brought home to me how all the school shootings and the truth that this nation isn't as safe as we would want it to be...........I cried.

On this sad day, on this very real and terrifying day after all those people are killed, after all those loved ones realize what has happened.....I feel, I know and understand for them this is a day they will never forget so many sudden deaths will traumatize this nation and change the course of events.
I have spent this weekend with my mother at her ladies retreat tuck up into the mountains only a couple of hours away, I am already very emotional in reminiscing about my brother Derek with her and helping her get around in her wheel chair so the news this morning has left me aware of how short life is, how brave we must be when we face such assholes with guns.
I am not afraid to die.....but I am afraid of watching those I love get shot or die so I will always fight back, I will always want to protect!

For I am just pieces.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Where Does the Time Go?

Since I have now moved into my brother Derek's home, I have been very distracted and busy in projects and in all my sense of wonder in this new place.

Since it's now September I can feel Fall arriving in the chilly early mornings.

Since I try to sit a moment outside with my cup of coffee and just BE, I ask myself "Where does the time go?" and I ask myself "What's important to me? What should my life look like now?"

Since I have moved my family into a whole new town, a whole new routine, it's important to me to just be still when I can, as I try to keep up in staying aware in real time. 
Yet sometimes I do drift away to my childhood days of the long laughs and good times I had with my brother Derek, since he is every where around me I feel honored to just be here in his very own home......

Since I live in both grief and grace I see his magical spark in the sky above me all the time, and if I were to ever see him walking up road I would give him this place back in a heart beat saying "Welcome home my brother! It's all yours again!"

Since I understand that won't ever happen, I sit awhile on the lawn in the warm sun light asking "Where does the time go?" 

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Kodaline - Brother (Official Video)

.......and I never thought not ever once in my life that one of my brothers could die before me, never ever crossed my mind.
......and now I know how real of a possibility that can be, that it's Real, that it's possible to hurt so much for the rest of my life.

For almost 6 months ago looking back I can't let go! and actually, in all honesty I won't ever let go!!!!

I've got you Brother!

Monday, July 31, 2017

How we Loved him!

Oh How We all loved him!

My brother Derek.

As July ends I am a whirlwind of activities, with him always on my mind.....

Oh How I miss him so!