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Monday, April 25, 2016

Mercury Rising

It was the weekend of my birthday just this past winter that was dark and cold as I stood in my winter coat outside the Visual Arts Collective, The show was staring in an hour but the line to get in was stretching out into the street and way across the parking lot. I wasn't surprised, in fact I was 10 minuets early because I know how popular The Red Light Variety Show is! I also like people watching just standing in line bundled up as the rainy snow came down, slush! I liked standing there in my own thoughts, in my own space of time. My husband would of hated the trapped crowded feeling, the standing in place for a while as the cold winter winds blew past. Yet I didn't mind at all, I like all social things, I like singing and dancing with or without any crowds. I really love cheering, supporting and celebrating the ever so beautiful and talented ladies on the stage, their group has grown and changed over the years but the flashy style remains, the Red Light Variety Show will enchant you!
I sat happily drinking my beer while my friends all met up and settled into comforting chairs, elbow to elbow we leaned into each other as the place was packed out, the lights, the music and the stage came our main focus and I smiled so proudly to see my dearest friend dance in her clever humor and magical ways!
I loved the whole night, I was thinking about how fast life quickly everything can be different. 
I remember the very first time I saw this beautiful burlesque show outside the Modern Hotel late into the July night. It was like watching the Circus unfold with even greater skill and strength! I was in awe of the pole dancers, the flame thrower and the earth shaking belly dancer! Now the show unfolded for me in my true delight and joy! One of my friends was watching for the first time and she was thrilled, she was saying how impressive every act and every scene was! Her awe and her happiness reminded me of my own, the fact we were all honoring and celebrating such beauty before us made us even more alive on that cold winter's night. I hugged and chatted up with the performers, with some of my old friends and I realized that they are all more like celebrities now! The popularity and their success is rather quite huge and exciting! I truly do hope the show keeps growing with all the great music montages and clever classy scenes! I felt vibrantly young leaving the party late that night, thinking about how much the show feels the same as always, full of sparkling magic and mystic,  I am glad that I went, that I met new people and laughed so hard my sides hurt! I am in awe of the talent, the strength and true joy of the whole show bringing entertainment out in real human form! and I was left to wonder if I could one day try Aerial Swinging on my own too?                     

Sunday, April 24, 2016

My Fear


         It's interesting to me that shortly after getting married I noticed my fear would flared up into anger instantly.

If our neighbors had a crazy fight that startled us awake in the middle of the night my reaction was to face them in my true angry boldness of my sense in right and wrong behaviors.
Or if someone ran up to my car yelling and being crazy I would yell right back at them "What's your problem? This isn't a safe thing to do!" even though I was startled or alarmed by these events I was never frozen in motion, I was thinking to myself "NO one has the right to make me afraid." 

Being married allowed for any scary event to be witnessed by my husband too, so when he replied "You could get shot going out into that neighbor's fight like that!?!"  I would pause with a "Ooooooh yeah, that's anger kicked in and I had to stand up for myself and everyone else." He would frown back explaining "No you did not HAVE to do that, you choose to do that."

One evening in our noisy condo life a teenager grabbed my flower pot off my patio and I leap out after him in full speed running and shouting "HEY! YOU! Give me back my flowers!" he dropped it startled and bolted in shock. I came home to a very upset husband who couldn't believe I would put myself at such risk, I replied "They are the only flowers I have right now, no one gets to STEAL them...!?!"  He exclaimed back helplessly trying to teach me safety first. "IF you got kidnapped over a pot of flowers then you would realize how stupid such a response like chasing him down was! my god!"

I began to realize I didn't have a proper sense of fear at the age of 24.

Fear was a big part of my childhood, therefore I am desensitized. 
I have worked over the last 12 years now on my reaction to fear, trying to understand why I react like I do against fear....I asked myself "Why am I not afraid when I SHOULD be???"

I have noticed that when fear comes rushing in I think instantly with such an alarming awareness that if I am afraid those around me are too therefore I need to react quickly stopping this alarming situation to keep us all safe again. 
My husband once said he could see me getting shot one day for trying rescue some stranger or a stray cat, he would have to deal with my lack of fear in this sorrowful way. I suddenly felt bad realizing I had to work on being thoughtful in my bold brave reactions.
I explained to him "If that happened to me then you should know I died doing what my heart and soul felt was right and in the end I have to live with myself." He cringed back shaking his head explaining "It's okay to be afraid and NOT react or do something. You can take fear to avoid trouble and protect yourself first."
I took his advice in studying myself for the years after we moved from the chaos of crowded neighbors to our little cute cottage. I realized that I can't just be silent and afraid at the same time, If I think I am in danger or those around me are in danger too then I react, I move, I warn and I stay alert.

However I will try as I grow older not react recklessly in my sudden fears, I will try to understand better my emotional responses and triggers when I am thoroughly afraid once again.

Life is a survival journey with fear being front and center to warn us, to catch our attention when something isn't safe or right.

Fear is wise, it is guarded and strong in letting me know that the next few seconds could be a life or death move! THIS is why I can't hide or stay calm, I want to kick ass back at whatever is frightening me as my last word to not let fear win. Maybe it is an ego thing, maybe it is a survival thing and maybe it is a very important thing to me. I am not afraid to be afraid anymore.

When I understand that someone is making me afraid or trying to fight or scare me I go instantly into  
"How dare you frighten me, you don't have that right." 
I have so many stories of when fear hit me hard, and I was a step ahead of the situation because it warned me ahead of time. I also have the stories of being caught off guard by fear and feeling like I could of handle the whole situation better looking back at it later on. So I think of fear as a life lesson, a part of the continuing stories we call life.

In the animated movie "Monster Inc." the city's energy ran on fear from children with the monsters going in to the children's bedrooms at night and scaring them but as the movie played on the monsters also had a huge fear of the children, the subject of fear in that story was very interesting to me because I want a healthy fear in me and I know it's not a shameful thing to be afraid. It's such a powerful emotion that is has a purpose in protecting ourselves.

From when I was 3 years old and I begged God to not send me to hell I had to face fear head on, I was surrounded by fear growing up that by the time I was 18 years old I had no fear of death, no fear of old age. Then when I lived out on my own I had a ton of new fears to face, by the time my husband noticed I had a huge lack of fear my history was rather easy to see why......It might not be healthy but I felt stronger in facing fear right away!
My fears are more fleeting now, I take them and let them go, I want to work in favor of myself with respect to every emotion I contain. Sometimes when I get afraid I hide away to ask myself why? sometimes when I am afraid I fight back with a "What the hell???" and yet it all makes me who I am in the end.

Fear is my warning, my call for protection in practicing my bravery. Therefore I am not afraid of my fear anymore...


  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

My Fire

noun a strong feeling of displeasure 
and belligerence aroused by a wrong;wrath; 

It has taken me almost 4 decades to humbly embrace my fire, my anger.

For anger is such a powerful emotion that has my fire bursting forth into the world around me, like a dragon I have learned to embrace and train it within reason.

     When I first lived on my own in a cute duplex that felt very scary at night, my fear often turned into anger.
I was 22 years old and my anger was keeping me from the kind of peace I wanted for my new adult life.
 While I felt like everything was a huge mess with the passing of my Grandparents, the judgement from my parents and the guilt that I wasn't back home helping to raise my baby brothers anymore, it left me with many anger issues to face....
And I did. 

Taking ownership of my reaction and my reasoning helped me not feel so out of control whenever I grew angry. For I had discovered that Forgiveness was the release to feeling victimized or full of guilt. It was hard to face myself when I got angry, I knew I didn't want to be mad all the time
so I began to cultivate forgiveness in myself then it naturally came about to Forgive my parents, I can move into the future without fear of an outburst of anger holding me back.
Forgiveness about my past which gave me such a new found freedom in embracing all my human emotions for the gifts they all hold made simply living my life grow into a wonderful world!

Often my anger is still fueled by my ideas in righteousness, self-importance and the need to be respected. I like understanding these trigger points in order to know why it will flare up out of my control at times and how can I use it for good not bad. I can feel anger long before it boils up so I  know it has a mission that I need to direct and stay on top of.

 I remember the first time I used my fiery loud anger to get everyone's attention to stop yelling mean things back and forth at each other. 
I knew all these forgiving, loving words that needed to be said in that craziness, so I shouted out very powerfully above everyone else "Why can't we just love each other!?!? What is wrong with letting go of the past and simply be grateful for each other right here and now??? Live with grace, goddamn it! Live with love!?! AND Stop fighting!!!" 
I had to take a deep breath and chuckle thinking to myself "Who has to yell these kind words out loud like this???...only in my family I guess..." so that big family fight did stop and they all looked at me in surprise for I usually didn't like to yell out unless backed into a corner. I sighed shaking my head ironically that my anger had a nice message at least.

 I actually really do like my anger now, because I understand it so much better then back in my early 20's, I can use it to improve or protect myself.

I remember when my best friend Benny said to me back in the early days of our friendship "Girl, I have seen you explode, you are like a volcano whose power comes from having been so nice, polite and kind for just so long until nothing is changing for the better then you snap into focus on how to put your foot down and protect yourself, it's a proud moment to behold when you explode by scaring the shit out those bullies! I admire you even more afterwards because it's a gift that you have, don't ever be ashamed! 
You stand up for yourself with your anger....I really like that about you."  
(Lately I've had some flare up anger issues that make me want to call up Benny in Heaven and ask her if I'm justified or just plain tired of being bullied once again?) 

At the hospital when my mother was recovering I noticed instantly how anger ran deep within all of my siblings on many different levels and in their own personal battles with this trauma, with that shared fear of our mother dying. 
I was trying to be calm day to day but after awhile I could feel the heat begin to grow up my back as my sister would hit me so hard because I said something she didn't like, I would choke back at the sudden pain and I was surprise of this happening more and more because we were grown adults and she would nail me without warning then I would rub my hurting side or arm wondering if I should fight back or not?.........THEN one day my anger shot out without much time for me to question my words in order to protect me from her hitting, I guess I decided it was enough.
For I had just finished chatting it up about what a wonderful summer day it was outside as my mother laid in her hospital bed, I asked her directly if she felt like taking the wheel chair outside for some fresh air, my mother smiled back nodding while at that very same second my sister's swinging arm was coming towards me once again, she wanted to shut me up and this had been her way of communicating that.
I stood up to catch her movement in mid swing and held her out away from me in her frowning swinging form as she was caught by surprise in my quick response to hold her out away from me, I felt hot burning anger fuel my greater body weight against hers as I angrily hissed in her face "IF you EVER swing at me again, I will have you arrested or I could just hit you back in the very same way until you realize this is a very stupid move to make in getting your point across!!! SOOOO next time if I say something that you don't like, JUST say "Debby, I don't like what you are saying to Mom." and we can talk about it in a reasonable respectful manner like the adults that we are now!!! AND never hit me again or else I will react in one of those ways....OKAY?!?" 
I felt amazing after that anger flare up, It was my true anger being used in a protective way for was an impressive moment that my sister never took a swing at me ever again. (Instead she gave me the silent treatment and I liked that much better.)

I'm not afraid whenever I face an angry person because I want to know and hear what they are really thinking.
 I want to understand why they are so mad.
My father was the very first person in my life to show me this fact, honesty usually came from him when he was angry. 
        One morning at the hospital by my mother's bed he apologized for his outburst the night before and I stopped him saying "Nope, no, don't ever apologize for being honest because that is very important to me. You can apologize for being disrespectful but don't be ashamed of your own honesty and what you really truly think. I am glad that we had a huge fight last night because that kind of emotional poison only separates us, so if we can bravely face our issues head on then we can begin to heal and be there for each other in a much stronger and healthier way." He starred at me in awkward confusion and half hugged me saying back  "Well, at least I shouldn't of yelled..." and I smiled back jokingly reminding him that I was very use to him doing that by now. 

Anger is a huge part of my childhood memories. 
I had to choose as a child quite often either to be afraid of my father, run and hide or to be angry right back at him going at it face to face in high volume and in equal eye contact. (I usually ducked down and disappeared from his rage to be honest)

My fire, my anger brings out such sudden warmth for my whole body which is a good warning signal to stay alert, Anger is many things for me, like personal growth and protection, it's motivation to heal, to be real, to stand up and to be brave. 
I guess my anger isn't really just one thing, I am glad that I am not afraid of it as long as it works in favor of bettering the situation before me, I understand all of this now........
and I am left in true awe over such a blazing emotion!

I am actually very grateful for my anger, it will always be there whenever I need a powerful push, it will help bring about peace and calmness in who I am the more I can study it and learn about it.

For my anger makes my joy so very strong and shining beautifully through those glowing flames!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016


noun     the quality of being honest.
    1. "they spoke with convincing honesty about their fears"

                    I have been thinking about honesty for a little while now, because many of my childhood memories of drama came about because of my honesty, I was a very blunt child in which my mother would put her hand over my mouth to close it in mid-sentence because she was instantly embarrassed by me and I was raised to never lie for God sees and hears all so I was honest in a whole other level in my fear of God.

My honesty as a teenage was like a "badge of honor" a display of arrogance on my part and also a rebellion against my parents who were always hiding the fact they had issues, fighting at home only to go to church and act like everything is fine with us made me very mad, at 14 years old I would honestly say "If God can see your heart and everything then why HIDE or pretend to be okay in front of other people?" my mother would reply with a frustrated sigh at me explaining "No one understand the whole story, so there is no need to tell them what's happening at home that IS private." I gave her a quick reply back saying "Then tell them the WHOLE story and maybe they will have advice or a helpful tip on what to do???" She rolled her eyes at me saying "Oh Debby that is NOT how it works, they will just judge you and attack you for not having your life in order for God's glory."
I look back and think she was wise in her own honesty, and in her own life experience she didn't trust anyone expect her Father.....I was left to have many moments in my honesty to see what she was talking about because YES some people will always judge and will be happy you are not as perfect as you first claimed, in being honest I like to say it helps us to not feel so alone when we don't hide our struggles or stories from each other.

As I grow older I can see more how to honor those around me as they share their stories that I am not going to tell that story it is up to them to give us all that information. I do however share what happens to me without fear, without a second thought for I like taking ownership of every honest thing I say or do, I was born this way and raised with God judging me always....therefore to be honest is my safest choice and is my natural way of being.
I have been thinking back to how being open and real in my desire of who I am the whole world changed from something scary, negative and controlled to magical, beautiful and endless possibilities simply by being honest.
Honesty is the best policy then you don't have to keep track of what you first said, being wise in when to be honesty or when to be silent is what I have learned over the last few years.
I am seeing in myself when I say something honest I feel at peace in who I am, but I really like the thoughts in my head, I like who I am,  so being honest with others brings out what are these messages I carry within myself.......And I honestly see a wonderful world before me!

I had an honest argument recently with a family member of mine, it all ended in peaceful awareness. But in order to get there we had to hash some things out face to face. I was motivated to challenge and to be honest because it was time to deal with our unbalanced friendship. We needed a spring cleaning with each other, I noticed being respectful can be hard while being honest because the truth is often translated through our own individual eyes, also unless someone says "be honest with me." they don't really want you to be honest while arguing or disagreeing with them. I am always in awe of all the things I am constantly learning through being my honest self...... 

I caught something in that heated discussion as we worked out what our relationship should look like to each other, my honesty drove me to be brave and to not let anger burn me up as I tried to gain her respect at the same time.
She said "Honesty is the worse advice, every time I am honest I have to go back and fix things that I said to those who are now upset!" 
I sat there in surprise at how nice it was of her to be that honest with me, and she was exactly right! It was a moment that proved my point in being real, in being honest. 
For my argument was BE HONEST, take ownership of your own thoughts, emotions and words.... Then My husband told me that it is rare to have a nice voice or nice thoughts in ourselves that make being honest good for everyone around us.....
Soooooo that is why there are all these mental games and manipulation of the truth. If we are honest and it hurts those around us then that kind of truth needs to be focused on over what is the messages in our heart and soul? 
What is it about us that makes us attack each other in our honesty? 
To be honest is to be good towards those around you because you are not lying or hiding from them, IF that honesty is rude, hurtful and judging then yes being honest is going to upset those around you quite naturally. The next step of self-awareness is to change that message in yourself to not work against YOU or others around you, For one day when you are completely honest in the joy and love you carry within your heart and soul then you will see the smiles on the faces of those around as they enjoy and admire your honesty they will sigh with relief saying "Thank God I can sit by you and be safe! your honesty is so refreshing, thank you."  Honesty in it's great beauty is the most magical picture of humanity doing good in every breath, Honesty in it's mirroring reflection of who you are can destroy those around you if you haven't been honest with yourself......

The best choice for me is honesty and it can really hurt at times but I wouldn't hide myself for all the safety in the whole world! and I can honestly say that!

Life is a learning journey in each of us at our own time,  once we decide to live in favor of ourselves in hopes to give good strength and good times among the everyday rush through life we can honestly see who we are and what we need to work on while accepting ourselves just as we are in this moment of time.

So I was an honest child and it got me into trouble all the time, now I am an honest adult who still gets into trouble for that very same core honesty, yet I like that it keeps me on my toes and teaches me something bigger then before!

Stay strong out there and be honest!