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Sunday, March 27, 2016

How I listen to my life

Sunday, March 20, 2016

How I escaped

It was an early summer morning when my father set out his radio on his job sight of remolding old homes, I sat on the cold cement steps on this stinky house sitting outside drinking my orange juice and wondering what I was going to be doing all day at the strange place. I was maybe 7 years old just listening to the radio as suddenly a whole new world unfolded before my imagination of sitting in the warmth of the sun light while the street before seem alive with birds singing and bugs crawling across the sidewalk. I watched on all around me smelling the freshness of a new day mixed with hints of wet paint as my father rolled along the living room walls in his paint clothes, my mother was scrubbing down the kitchen and the radio played loudly for me and my siblings to focus in on......
The setting in the radio played out into this wonderful small town where everyone seemed to know each other ins a friendly greeting and in that neighborly social way.
I listened on in real interest and in curiosity as an elderly man began to speak to us listening narrating his own environment to us like we had always been good friends. I liked his voice instantly, warm and kind, wise and clever. I was drawn into his sharing about his life in that magical small town, his cheerfulness and his reflection over the passing of his wife as he loved his home and town so dearly. The background of children playing, of him walking to his local business a soda fountain, ice cream parlor full of books and kids hanging out there. the little bell on the shop's door because a common sound in this 15 minuet radio drama. The popularity of this program allowed the show to turn into 30 minuets and they renamed it "Adventures in Odyssey."  but in the very beginning as trail run the short radio dramas unfolded before me through the static of the speakers and the very real escape it gave me! I was there in my mind's eye instantly there in such a perfect place, His voice was so clearly confident and sharing his christian faith was so comforting and nice, not rude or preachy instead he introduce himself as John Avery Whitaker in this wonderful world through the radio as I imagine the perfect looking old man whose hugs were big and whose laughter was encouraging! He talked on the phone with his best friend an old time farmer named Tom, they chatted about the importance of family values, of their small community changing and dealing with big life questions in how to still be true to God. I listened intensely and felt myself changing right before the story ended until the next week's program to hear more about "Whit's End" John's cafe in the small town of Odyssey. I was changing into a wonder of "How can I live in such a place???"
It's funny how that moment was vital for the rest of my life and why I romanticize everything, why I try to create the very same style for my life based on Mr. Whitaker's introduction to being perfectly setup to walk everyday to work, waving and greeting everyone along the way! He's being old made him endearing and approachable, I realized at 7 years old I can not wait to get old like him! I want to know all he knows and have that calm being in helping others and being brave to have faith like that....I because a huge fan of this radio program, it grew into my own personal escape. I tried to never miss an episode over the next decade, every Saturday morning I had the radio station setup as my alarm then it played until the theme song came on and I went to sit by the radio like a loyal listener.
This show brought the outside world to me while abiding by the rules of Christianity, which allowed my parents to leave me alone to listen. I lived in this town every week and then began collecting all the sets of episodes they sold in packs. I saved 25 dollars to give my siblings these cassette tapes for Christmas gifts knowing I would get to listen to them over and over again too. I had almost every single episode memorized by the time I was 17 years old. When Mr. Whitaker almost died in an episode I cried so intensely because he had become a role model for my life, he was the biggest part of why I loved this show and escape into that world he created, in fact all through my life now I realize I am drawn to the wise old man in all movies and drama shows. I want to grow old being just like Mr. Whitaker, in his friendliness and his wisdom. I don't follow his faith structure anymore, but i do follow his classy behavior in having respect  towards everyone and knowing how everyone's life is worth something. I use to lay on my back on the floor for hours going through each new episode side by side lost in this familiar welcoming town, listening to the voices of people i knew so well and drinking in all the wonder of such powerful issues and thoughts, their adventures and their mistakes, their moments of joy and of sorrow I grew up with this radio program as my true delight in escaping the real life and time around me. As a teenager this show allowed me conversations with my friends at church, we would run into each other arms on Sunday squealing over that Saturday cliff hanger! It was fun to get books on the growing love for "Adventures in Odyssey."  and I listened on as I grew up, even when I had my wisdom teeth pulled when I was 20 years old I asked my boyfriend to play the show so I could relax from the pain and he snorted on listening saying "What is this propaganda? Where in the world would there ever be such a town like THIS??" I chuckled and realized it was a simple bubble I liked living in. In fact it was my personal escape from everything else, a world where God is always loving, a world where children can grow and learn without harsh punishments, a world where the weather is beautiful while they walk through the neighborhood or they gather in Whit's End to get out the storm while supporting each other and making their town a safe good place by all helping each other learning to not be selfish or mean. I think this radio program changed me into that kind of dreamer, that kind of desire in me to create in real life a make-belief place, my imagination was sparked by this show when I was 7 years old and now 30 years later I still carry that very same spark inside of me where ever I go!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

How I learned

It's hard to describe the word "Home schooling." because each set of parents raise their children differently, likewise the education they give those kids is also very different....
I don't always like sharing I was Home schooled, in fact I NEVER told anyone in my early 20''s unless I could trust them to not judge me. It took years and years for me to stop avoiding the truth in how my educational system had gone.....there was not a real system by the standards of everyone else around me so I was very insecure about it. 
That is the ironic sad truth I have now faced in my late 30's, in what my mother thought was her protecting me actually hurt me the most by being so isolated at home. 
I didn't have the kind of skills to help me succeed in a job as grown up I noticed.
So I had to teach myself by being around many other different people who I asked for help and they would shared with me the way the real world works. 

It's easy to now look back and see everything good and everything bad about being so dramatically sheltered like I was.
I was home schooled. How hard that was to say for me when applying for a new job over the years...just the other day I was asked about my past education and I felt very calm even at peace with it as I bravely, confidently explained.
I guess I was like that guy, Brandon Fraser from the movie "A Blast from the Past." THAT was truly like me in my first step out on my own, so when I saw that film in the theater I laughed till tears rolled down my cheeks because it hit home for me and I knew without a doubt...I will never fit in, not really, not ever.
I just had to okay with who I am, not hide or try to be someone else.
I can often find people who like and accept me but I can't BE like them....they will often enjoy teasing me or listening in awe to me or discounting my opinion with a "Well you are different." and I don't get upset, I don't feel bad about not being exactly like those around me, I simply laugh or smile because I know they are all so exactly correct. They were raised in a better educational system then I was, I admire all the different personalities, different points of views and thrive on discussing and debating because I'm learning as I go too!
Whenever I was judged for being home schooled I would freak out inside and change my behavior outwardly in hopes to NOT be noticed as an odd ball person especially when I was 20 years old that was a rough year for me.....
Because I began to deal with my pasted education. (or "Lack there of." as my husband often reminds me).......
I remember a very important time in my life, for my personal growth was when my 22 years old sand I had a job as a produce manager loving every detail of it yet also realizing the only way I will be good at this job is if I teach myself about how everything is eaten or cooked in order to be able to sell my department everyday, then the realization that I was lacking in mathematics, grammar and basic history hit me hard one afternoon as I counted back change to a customer who asked in surprise "Where did you learn to do THAT?" I smiled explaining how my most beloved job was at a fruit stand with an old cash register. 
It was a moment for me that "Ah-HA!" event as I walked back into my office realizing it was up to ME now living on my own and running my own department, it all came down to how I needed to keep challenging myself, I started teaching myself numbers and budgets, I read a popular novel every week from the Oprah's book Club, and start using "spell check" on my computer because if I am STILL poorly educated by the age of 30 then that is now on me and not my parents......
I stopped thinking out of fear and confusion, I stopped blaming my past or my parents for my struggling to survive and began to say "This is my life, This is my body, I have to live with myself in the end......So what am I going to learn about TODAY?"

     We don't get to say who our parents are or where we will live, we don't get to say how we want to learn or how we want to spend our days for as children we are followers and if we are raised to have a voice then we are empowered but if we are raised to be seen and not heard then we will develop ways to hide....we usually abide for a time under the rulers of our home, like a shadow seeking the sun light. 
I understand now that everything in education that was forgotten or lacking greatly wasn't my fault until I turned 18 then as my sister had me reminded me on that birthday for me "WHY in God's name are you STILL here!?!? if I was 18 I would be GONE." I simply cried in my reply saying "Gone to where? I don't know how to get a job, I don't know how to read very well? Why would I leave home when the world is a scary evil place?" She rolled her eyes at me of course and I began to ask myself what am I really afraid of if I had real faith in God above all else, I should be so afraid to grow up??? 
Those growing years were made harder on me simply by not having those educational tools to help me deal with my fast appoarching adulthood.
I look back I'm grateful to so many different people for my actual real education. I found a friend who loved Biology, a friend who loved Geometry and a friend who edited all my short stories in my quest to be educated growing up I asked many questions from many different people....I am grateful today and for the rest of my life to never stop asking others for advice and conversation! I hope to never stop learning.

I will always remember being 18 and getting my first job at a gift shop,
I was so overwhelmed in fear of the unknown like what if I can't spell out what they ask of me? What if I can't count fast enough or I get the money all messed up??? It was those first thoughts that I learned to be brave and figure it out as I go.

I like looking back in my life to those learning moments so vital to how I react to this world. Now I can connect the dots and get better information for my education, I have such joy in who I am from where I came from, most importantly I have HOPE, because when I see these gray hairs popping up around my ears I smile to myself thinking "It's just another life lesson waiting up ahead for me! Onward to being even more aware and knowledgeable then ever before! and I honestly can't wait!"

Thursday, March 10, 2016

How I was born...


"Take a deep breath and start eating real food again.
Reverse the damage of your modern diet and return your body to its optimal fat-burning state. Sure, it will take some work to trade in your modern food staples, habits, and diet myths to make (or find) fresh, wild, natural food these days. But the weight loss results and health benefits are well worth the changes.
We’re not meant to starve ourselves or count calories. We’re wired to eat and live luxuriously without getting fat. That’s what we’ve been doing effortlessly for generations, in fact, before we started surrendering our food choices to companies and following the wrong advice.
If you’re carrying a few (dozen) extra pounds and feeling constantly hungry, I’ve learned that it’s likely not because you’re eating too much. You’re overweight and hungry because you’re eating modern foods. You see, when you’re hungry, you don’t crave food. You crave nutrition. And most modern meals we eat today are devoid of the critical nutrients our bodies need to thrive.
The Wild Diet is not a dietary boot camp; it is a template for how you can realistically opt out of the modern food grid that is keeping you fat and sluggish with ease and without anyone noticing. In fact, as a rule, the closer you can get to eating plants and animals that would thrive in their wild and natural habitat, the more likely you are to thrive in your modern world today." 
(this is taken from) http;//

This is what I think about nutrition in which if we can get back to the WILD or as close to the real world of nature then we are made into better human beings.
I have been learning about the "Wild Diet" from Abel James this winter and since it is very closely fitted to my "Primal" life style I realized THIS is exactly how I eat and live nowadays....
I haven't been to the Doctors in almost a decade now, I haven't had any weird health issue, no allergies, no chronic pains, no regularities or trouble fact since I lost 50 pounds 4 years ago I have a better night's sleep and body strength through out my days! I AM the living proof that knowing what you eat is KEY to longevity and great quality in that life time. I am excited to live to 100 if I can keep up in good nutrition and if I can keep this eternal joy! 
My mother had a stroke almost 5 years ago as I have written about it over those first days and over my reflective topics since then....I went home from the hospital that night I threw away 5 kinds of sugar bags and 4 kinds of baking ingredients like the scary unknown fake fat called Crisco.
 AND my body changed instantly from suddenly being aware of what I ate, she drank gallons of soda over her 53 years when her stroke took her down I threw away any and all food coloring, syrups and fruit drinks...soda is a rare drink in my life now and I embrace all the fermentation teas and recipes for my good gut needs.             

 "It’s time to stop eating what companies want to serve you and listening to the peddlers of prescriptions and diet products. Your food, your body, and your health have been hijacked by special interests that are not your own."-Abel James
My mother shares so easily with me now ALL about how when she was 20 years old she realized that she was pregnant with me so she was very focused on nutrition, good vitamins, good foods and lots of water...exercise daily even doing sit ups which the doctors told her later wasn't a safe idea for me in her womb....
I guess being her very first baby I had a great start in life from all she did for me in those 9 months before I popped out into this world, 
I am deeply grateful that she was young and healthy, that she never allowed me sugar even as I grew up especially when my teeth came in and as my brain grew together. I look back in awe at how I was born, how she shares with me what she thought and did to protect me back then, honestly I was very lucky because she grew tired of doing that 5 more times! So as the health issues of my sibling keep growing I stay the same if not improving as I learn more and more in my adult years now.....
Mother sighed just the other day when we went shopping together she explained "When I was pregnant with YOU I didn't know any better...I ate my veggies and refused the ice cream bowl because I was so afraid you wouldn't develop correctly so I never touched desserts....but once you were born all fine and your father teased me for being crazily worried for nothing I decided I could eat whatever I wanted after that!"   
I sighed sadly listening to her explain her past to me as I realized my siblings were never as lucky as I was....
I felt sad for them in that reflective moment it ALL makes sense now for me!
 So I asked my mother "Why did you give up on not eating sugar after I was born? If you were reading about nutrition why wouldn't you stick with it?" She snorted back at me like I was ridiculous in asking as she explained better "Because it was ALWAYS changing, no one seemed to know what they were talking about! I suffered 9 months with you in not enjoying myself then to find out you were born normal and fine, so why did I worry so much and not trust God like I should of? I came to realize I can eat anything and everything while I was pregnant and God gave me healthy good babies every time." 
I frowned a bit thinking of the clearly noticeable issues and challenges that my siblings have to face every day as they grow older, as they suffer from sudden mood swings or allergies. 
My mother replied to my concern "That's all from your father's side of the have wear eye glasses because of HIM not me...." 
I chuckled at her true honesty just shaking my head saying simply "Oh, okay...?" 
(in our mother's womb is where we start as human beings, long before we ever draw our first breath what she eats WE eat.) 
The world in the 90's for my mother's diet was so drastically different from when she first gave birth to me in 1979....I look back at it all in a chart form connecting the dots to why I feel like something happened to the over all healthy in my mother, in my family, as a teenager and then unto my siblings.....
I am HUGE advocate to good health, reading everything and learning to whose body is an example of good food and good genetics? What can I do to better my eye sight and better my life? Who knows the best advice and who lives the longest? I can see my mother's stroke was a wake up for me, maybe better yet explained a CALLING to better understanding in nutrition, I saw that she was so unhealthy leading up to her stroke for in our last phone conversation a few days before she was very sleepy and confused. I asked naturally "Are you okay? You sound far away?" She replied back "I'm not sure, I've had this head ache lasting for to long? what were we talking about just now?" I giggled and said "You NEED to get some sleep." not realizing the next time I saw her it would be in the ER.....

I am truly grateful for my mother to suffer through no sugar back in those days of bringing me into this world.....
My mother didn't realize just how important it was that she gave me a fighting chance in life by being so healthy in her first pregnancy, I'm the living proof!

I don't have autism, I don't have social anxiety, I don't have any illness, I am not bi-polar, I am not allergic to mowing the grass nor am I allergic to animals....

I was given a beautiful gift at birth! I was given a healthy being to live in!

I hope that I can use this good health to better the lives of those around me every day with all the wonderful knowledge I now have! 
Never underestimate the power as women that we have, for we can bring good health into our families, into the future and these generations to come! Knowledge is power of changing your fate and giving your soul the grace to live in the best way possible!

BE BRAVE and BE WILD for that is how I was born!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

How I live my life

Monday, March 7, 2016

How I was raised

  • Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
  • Contempt“…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
  • Defensiveness“…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
  • Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
Whenever I see my mother I am taken back in time to my past and where I came from. It's such a good thing for me to keep growing and remembering how I am because of my past.....

I have learned over the years of my life how I was raised isn't how everyone else was raised, this gives me a sense of being in my own self, many questions as to why? or what was really going on when I grew up? Why am I triggered by some things to react in fear or anger?
My mother has answered these questions for me since her stroke in a real open honest way, I am impressed that she can be this real with me in a way she never was before her stroke.
In fact she shared just the other day while I was giving her a shower that when I was little and got mad she would tickle me in hopes to change my attitude, one time I said back at her "No Tickles!" catching on to her antics for getting me out of my pouting mood. I liked that story it made me laugh as we got ready to go shopping...

My mother has given me so much since her stroke in stories, in facts about relationships and in why it all was the way it was when I watched on in confusion or in terror, with all that crazy chaos constantly coming at me while I grew up the whole story was never revealed to me so I reacted on emotions or in faith that God wasn't as scary as I was taught.....

The behaviors listed above were commonly used by all of us in my family while I grew up, now that I can look back I can see why I like to studying people. Why I like to share everything I am learning or feeling because I think hiding the truth ruins the chances for true peace and love.

When I said yes to taking my mother last summer to Cascade I knew exactly how it would all go, I was looking forward to seeing the mountain side while strolling her along the sidewalk or sitting on a coffee shop patio. If she is comfortable then she would sit awhile talking with me, but if she isn't comfortable then we were not staying there long.
The road trip was fun in the beautiful summer sunshine my mom began to talk about how perfect she use to be, a common conversation that I know because she is paralyzed now makes her romanticize her past. 
Where as I find myself grateful to never go back to those days being a helpless constantly afraid child.
   I will just smile now whenever Mom would say "I was perfect, healthy and happy back then. I don't know why I had a stroke...." In our road trip up to Cascade last summer my husband came with me to help as she said this line again he commented back "Because you weren't really as healthy as ya thought."  
I would giggle awkwardly because the history between my husband and my mother has never been resolved in facing our past history, I realized on that trip everything I have worked through and forgave her for, doesn't mean my husband is in the same place as me...
He has his own issues to discuss with my mom, he use that road trip to really talk. I noticed the strain in their conversations as I listened while I drove on, I realized they were working things out between themselves so I stayed quiet awhile. 
My mother seems to really likes my husband now, but he needs closure over how he was treated by her back when we first met, dated and married without her blessing with all that drama. I see it as a great story for my freedom, of my tested inner strength to be sure of who I am. But my husband has questions of his own.
My mother instantly react to his questions in the very 4 steps above and I knew this was a good time to all be together talking out the past, but I had to chuckle to myself because I knew how that road trip didn't bond my husband to my mother like he wanted, he asked me after we got her back home "How can you care so good and loving for your mother when she hurt you so much?" I replied "Because I choose forgiveness, I don't have all the answers as to why they behaved like they all did back then...but I do know she isn't the same person now after her stroke, and maybe I was just born older." He chuckled shaking his head explaining "I couldn't do what you do for her all the time, I couldn't be blatantly disrespected by your father like just now.... yet you keep being kind to them no matter what!?!?!" I sighed nodding in understanding grateful to be heading home. I explained "I will never ever treat my parents like they treated me growing up, never. Therefore I see my pathway clearly when doing things for them, it's called grace and my love can maybe give them a good day in their lives.......ya never really know." My husband rubbed his forehead in bewilderment, "You amaze me! if I had been raised like you were I would never go back, so as much as I am trying to understand it all I can see you have insight on this that I don' are truly amazing!" I smiled back "I think how I was raised taught me how I never want to be like that to someone else....."

Thursday, March 3, 2016

House Work

          Yesterday I got up and out the door instantly to where my husband said the dogs were very upset with me leaving, they ran around hoping to find me outside but I had to get Pooh bear my neighbor's dog to the groomers....Bernice isn't my neighbor anymore but I am able to drive her around like getting her dog to the vet or groomers, which is a twice a year thing that I do. Bernice bought me a coffee afterwords as we sat in the coffee shop of our usual grocery store....we talked up a storm being happy morning people over our relaxing place before we went out into the store, it was a busy morning that when we got back to her home with out her dog, I decided to deep clean and move all her living room furniture out and vacuum. I gave the whole room my full attention, then did all the laundry while washing out her refrigerator. I changed light bulbs and took out lots of extra trash. By the time 1pm came about we went to the garden center for her soil and seeds then picked up her dog from the groomers. I was getting so much energy from the sugary cherry pie she baked while I was dusting the book shelves. These are the things I love doing, organizing, chatting and cleaning. I love getting all the trash cans empty, vacuuming up the corners of the walls and in between cushions on the couch. I love having all the doors and windows wide open for fresh air! Sometimes the cleaning project is heavy duty with lots of scrubbing that will make my arms sore, sometimes it's the easy sorting through junk mail that makes me proud to recycle and move on!

Bernice is 50 years older then me exactly, so her energy level isn't at the same place as mine. I give her fun things to do while sitting down as I vacuum. We talk about anything and everything, sometimes she will read to me while I dust or share a great joke, like this one;

Father and Son were sitting down to eat dinner when the son asked his father "Dad, can we eat bugs?" The father replied annoyed "We don't talk about such things at the dinner table." later on the father asked his son "Why did you ask about eating bugs Son?"  the boy honestly explained "Oh never mind, it was in your soup bowl but it's gone now."

Bernice and I laughed together as we usually do when she reads these kind of jokes to me while I clean.....I am grateful to be able to have a friend like her in my life! I sit back with a cup of tea at her nicely clean freshly open home. She has many great stories even some I have heard over and over again and I still love them like the first time I had heard them! 
Last week while I was cleaning for another friend, she asked me "Do you really like cleaning???" and I had to stop my house work for a moment with a big smile saying "Of Course I do!, baby sitting, house-siting, pet care and cleaning are my most favorite jobs, she asked kindly yet a bit confused "WHY?" I laughed out loud as I explained to her "Because growing up in a household of chaos I could only control my environment by cleaning, I didn't get yelled at by my father if I was always busy cleaning and I learned I could really relax in a clean nice open home where everyone seemed to be happier for it too, so I developed a real delight in house work and now I am even more proud of my ability to do it good! Because if I think about it I will never be able to control this world but I can always control how nice and clean my own home, I stand back in awe of how dirty it was when I started only be like new now!" she giggled at me and I assured her I didn't have any judgement towards her not ever, I simply loved cleaning!

     If I have a wide open day like yesterday then I usually decide on a big cleaning organizing project at Bernice's house, last fall I cleaned up her patio in corners she said have never been touch for over a decade. This winter before Christmas I deep cleaned her bathroom which was a very big job since she had cosmetics from the 1950's that had crystallized. 
        I usually pick a room that feels to crowded after awhile and let her know that if she sits in the kitchen then I will bring her papers to sort through into her keep and toss piles, this event alone can wear her out so I am careful to not make her feel so overwhelmed. There is still quite a few more days of deep cleaning ahead this spring as long as she is living in a safe part of the home I make sure every week that she isn't going to trip on something and that she isn't going to poison herself with old foods.  
       This is important to understand that as we get older and age we don't see as clearly nor do we smell as good as we once had....having younger people help us is so important! The joy in our friendship has grown over these last 5 years! I was impressed the very first time I saw Bernice's house next to my soon-to-be home, our new landlord Courtney explained to me "She's an elderly lady who has lived here forever and loves to garden if you can't tell." I delighted in every square inch of her home next door to my possible backyard, I was in such AWE and in such HOPE to have a neighbor like Bernice!

Now I can look back with a heart bursting full of LOVE and JOY for all of our thousands of conversations, our many hot afternoons drinking icy lemon aid on her patio admiring her old grand cherry tree!  This is a friendship I cherish completely, it's a great moment in time for me when I make Bernice laugh with my goofiness and my short stories! I love doing fun projects at her place, kissing her puppy dog and taking out her trash! We can sit and talk for hours or I will just swing by to say a quick HI....yet cleaning once a week makes me always happy to see her place be made cozy and clean once again!