In The Dark

Living life is like being in the dark,  Yet I know my soul is light.

Living life is like a TV show unfolding that you can look back on in memory and see such powerful amazing things!

Living life is like a roller coaster of stable schedules then crazy sad events then stable schedules again. and each new day starts first with being in the dark.

Living life is like trying to see the whole world through a tiny window.

Living life is bittersweet and while we face each day the dark early mornings bring us into the light of a better understanding.

Living is the most important part of the whole cycling stories.

Living with such a heavy heart right now has me trying to keep on the hidden path.

In My Being

Sometimes I just want to scream into the face of the universe.

I am worrying for my friends whose little baby boy has been struggling since he was born to make it in this crazy world and last night he went back into the hospital. 
It has been a yo, yo, of healing times being home then suddenly back at the hospital again. He has such a loving supportive family and he has such great devoted loving parents at his side for all time!

I am struggling with the way I thought it would all go in having him born with celebration and great times ahead, he was born 3 months early and spent 99 days in the NICU. So we have all adapted the way in which we think of how he will be, in my being I hurt for them all, it's not fair that such good people have to suffer like this. 

I am realizing all of life is a give and take, no matter how I want to write this story I am not the author. I am not in charge in always creating a happy ending or a good memory.....yet that is my best self when I can capture the great perfections out of so much struggle, being humble or deflated isn't a failure, it's a way of life through all these fears or worries.

I am glad we sat together around the fire pit on memorial day as we are all worn out in the survival struggle of such an adorable contented still healing baby boy in the stroller beside us. He's back in the hospital now so I feel helpless in what he's going through right now...

Sometimes I just want to say "That's it, I have no fucking idea what to do next! I have no words for this! Goddamn it! 

In The Universe

I like going to movies every once in awhile on a cozy rainy afternoon. when my house is all nice and clean, when all my pets are just napping and dinner awaits for later on.

I like going out into the world to see society moving around, to notice cute shops or cozy coffee places as kids play. I think we easily forget we are all apart of the same world when we get focused on our tasks list or scheduled events.  I feel like going to a movie breaks up the focus of getting projects done.

I like getting all my projects done and feeling complete.
I like cooking up foods and opening windows for refresh air every single morning as I drink my coffee to wake up and realize this is a great day to do something fun for a change.

I was happy to see at the movie theater in the village not far from my home that they sold coffee to take in and sit through the movie. The rain was coming down when I decided to go watch "Glass." and my warm breve coffee was perfect to how cold and bundle up I felt.

I go to a movie by myself all the time, it's actually my favorite way to watch a movie. If my husband comes with me I am impressed and then reminded he doesn't like it at all.
I go with people when they ask me most of the time yet it's usually not a movie I would of chosen just seeing them was my purpose for attending.
I go to the movies even when I invite friends and they can't make it, I still follow through on that event. I also like taking my mom to the movies for our afternoon out together instead of shopping so much. She has been thinking movies are way to long to sit still though and she really hates musicals anymore....so I think as I go to the movies, to the wide open theater of a huge screen and high volume that I am completely joyful and happy to watch a movie entirely on my own.

I liked "Unbreakable." when I first saw it in a crowded theater, then I watched "Glass." in an empty theater thinking "Look at how time has changed everything."
I liked being the only one in there watching a superhero movie of profound issues and simple fact I feel so strongly in my very bones "We grow old."

I liked laughing out loud when I thought the movie was funny.
I liked squealing when I was startled. 
I am the exact audience the story teller/movie director is looking for! 
I respond in the moment of emotion without fear of looking lame, without fear of being judged. 
Being a human being means we have emotional reactions to what we are seeing unfold all around us, we have super powers that I believe come from our feelings.


I felt the profound impact on my heart as I heard "I was not a mistake."
I felt like Mother Universe is conveying to me that both good and bad things deepen the truth.
I felt as if I were born at such a time that needs superheroes more now then ever before!

So step up to be the best person you can ever imagine in being and stay in the light!

In The Light

  My life long friend Tiffany recommended this song and I was instantly connected to it.
She and I have talked for years about our childhood in Christianity. I have shared about how she never shy's away from the deep conversations, for we both are wanting to find deep meaning in the story of humanity.

My life sure has been made better because of her friendship. Even this past week Bekah shared that Tiffany was the driving force of us girls being together, for she drew us together in the first place.

My heart was broken when my brother Derek died and she was my neighbor on that tragic day, I swung by her home in my panicking tears as her daughters hugged me while she was gone and they said how deeply sorry they were, they hugged me both at the same time as I cried saying that I am so overwhelmed, I am still in shock! They sent me off with so much encouragement that I felt instantly stronger for having seen them, Abby and Tally have their mother's big heart for loving life!
The next day Tiffany sat with me over coffee and I completely lost it all. She was the light in that dark day!

Hugging Bekah this week had me in sweet happy tears. As it was a perfect moment for being reunited, to see Tiffany and her talking like old times my heart was bursting with such deep rich joy!

 For I remember when we girls, when we were the light in the darkness of our past, we are made better today for our shared love and support that we always gave each other! 
That sweet morning lit up my whole life once again and I loved remembering our shared childhood adventures all together!

I am light.

In The Grace

I shared with my friends that it is with grace we can accept our past with a proud smile, with that understanding nod.

It's a wonderful feeling to see grace for yourself.

 If my mother had another stroke I would know better in what is happening at the hospital and how I should behave in facing that kind of trauma. 
This doesn't mean how I handle the first time was wrong just very naive when I look back at it all being so chaotic. I sure did my very best and that makes me so very proud of myself even though I didn't realize others around me suffered differently. Grace is giving them all a helping hand in the ways they would appreciate better.

If my car overheats I don't feel so shocked like I did when I was 18 years old and had no idea that a car needed oil. Grace is for myself to realize I am figuring it out every single day, and it's okay if I got it wrong at times too.

I have been re-watching "Saving Grace." and I wish that I had a friend like Earl who would pop in for coffee just like that! 
     I remember back when I first watched this show I loved how crazy and different it was from my own life. Lately I feel like it makes far more sense to me now....maybe because I am older?
Grace is a kick ass woman, her dog is adorable and her friendships are very important to the story.
 ...also I really love this theme song that I can sing straight from memory whenever I take a road trip on my own. It's that feeling of empowered strength in being just as I am that makes me so full of grace for the road ahead!

Because in grace all things are found.

In The Grey

          Wednesday morning in this beautiful month of May in the spring season with everything growing and everything changing I happily and very excitedly went to the coffee shop in the early morning to see my life long friend once again, Rebekah or as I would call her through our high school years Bekah was back in Idaho. 
She was one of my 4 beloved friends that gave me such wings to fly as I was growing up! 
She gives me such joy and delight in our shared sisterhood of living life!
She looked great and I was overwhelmed with how happy I was in hugging her!
I sat there in true delight that Tiffany join us and we laughed so often, it was just like the old days only better because we are now deeply strong smart women.

While we talked about growing up in a religion of black and white rules, of that constant struggle of right from wrong. It's always with us in everything we do through out our lives, seeing black and white when really everything is actually gray. In being there together again I felt so deeply grateful and joyful, long after I left the girls with tears in my eyes I felt myself smiling to myself as I went on through out my day...I was so excited to share in such a great early morning with them like old times!

All of our stories, all of our connections in sharing how being an adult now we have all seen such gray areas in this world. 
The movie "The Grey." is one that came to my mind, for I deeply love those wolves even though they are hunting the surviving humans. This movie was inspiring to me in how gray it all truly is in living and surviving this life time. We carry our love, our grace and our gratefulness all through out our time on this earth. This movie was very powerful to me as I sat in theater thinking over how we are all connected to the gray. Our need to be in control creates the black and white judgments for us to trust our next step in surviving.

I loved seeing my girls!
I love that they were my friends when I was 12 years old and onward. 
I had prayed for life long friends back then all the time and now I can see very proudly that I am living in that answer of prayer! 
I am excited for our future as everyone is doing good and loving their life, I think we carry the peace in knowing we have each other's back in all things makes us hug and cheer each other on! 

          That morning sun shine was so beautiful as the scent of coffee brewing in the shop greeted the girls around the table when laughter burst out at the exact same time as if they were in the same mind, in the same sisterhood just like old times!

In My Soul

We drove out into the country side this weekend, into a old neighborhood that I liked right away set against the wide open landscape of Payette Idaho. 

I had spent the morning helping my mom to a bridal shower in the warm sunshine, watching horses move around the place of her life long friend. My mom looked so lovely all dressed up nicely as I had styled her hair and matched her jewelry to her lacy shirt. The joy of someone getting married is always a time of celebration! I was glad I could take the time to help my mother to the event, to the fun of attending a bridal brunch.

Later on that evening I was happy to see old friends, thinking of how happy everyone is/was that evening. Time brings forward such stories of inspirations and successes in delighting over the simplest of things with shared good company. I think that in all things we can see the suffering and the survival in the world as change never leaves us the same. I can feel it in my soul that when times are good then celebrating fully will help me along the way of times in hardships. The yen and yang of the story of life often leaves me in awe over what I see before me.

Coming home that evening the whole valley was a masterpiece of storms! I was in awe of how I hadn't been out driving that way for some time now. I use to ride along that very same stretch of freeway twice a week as a teenager working for an elderly couple who loved country side drives and eating at the Black Canon Truck Stop. As an adult I have learned to not forget I am driving as the wide open sky calls my name and my attention in real outstanding distraction as it was full of amazing storms heading right towards us!

My husband cheerfully said "I feel like everyone is in a great place right now, that I am the best person I have ever been too!" I smiled back and nodded in agreement thinking that whenever we understand it is well with our soul just as we are in what we are doing we find a real peaceful value in our time on this earth. 

My attraction towards those storms was to just pull over and watch them unfold yet getting home was my focus of safety so I kept driving along the country side realizing my whole life has been lived in this landscape. I am hoping everyone has a happy ending to their life stories as I get to be a small part in it with them. I see those storms over the snake river, I see my past memories live along side my present moment of thoughts and actions as I am feeling a pull into the future.

In my soul I feel lost and love all at the same time, I can see my mother missing the way she use to be and my husband thriving in the way he's hoped it would be.  

In my soul I am like those storms I saw and admired on our country side drive home, for I feel my soul being pushed across the land into the future as I swirl around in place. I have so much of my life to still enjoy and to capture, to chase the rain across the very land I know so well.....

In My heart

In my heart I see life moving so quickly forward, I want to stand still forever in place and say "No wait! The morning has just begun! Wait for the noon sunshine...don't rush me!"

In my mind I know why I am angry that Sidda died suddenly in this month when I wasn't ready for it...Then again I will never be ready for death of any kind as it has found me many times on my knees....

In my soul I feel a strong desire to rise up into the sun light and never look back! 

In my heart it's the looking back that comforts me and makes me so very proud of the life I have lived!

In the future I want to still be able to say in confidence and in love "It is well with my soul!"

In my past I learned all about God through Christianity, I have come to realize those are good things within it's own limitations, for my imagination was created to grow into the universe of knowing ALL things are made possible by the story we choose.....

In my time on this earth I choose love. I won't waste any more time wishing I had been given more knowledge back then to be a better person, it's the journey of personal choice that teaches us along the way exactly what we are made of.

In my hope for the days ahead I see many more animals I can rescue and help, I can learn from and have this great love always beating in my heart! For this is the most beautiful world to live in and to be apart of right now! All politics aside, all history related and all systems of faith on hold just look before you and see this spectacular world! I am so grateful to breath among it's great beauty and help out in every way I can!

In my journey lately I have seen such wide open country sides and I have thought about all the things I can grow while holding closely my last dog. Sweet stories have closure as new chapters begin.....

In my heart I am as I am in just being, in grieving and in believing that hope with such deep joy shall never leave me. 

In my eyes I feel such strength ahead into the unknown.....

In my life

In a world of chaos, in a world of change I have found my center, my heart beat in my dogs.

In a society I do not agree with, I live my best self every single breath I take because I have never cared to be accepted as much as I desire to make the world a better place.

In the wild, in the nature the world moves through birth and death as equal to just living. I am aware only humans can complicate EVERYTHING.

In my soul I have lit up the whole sky in my smile, my laughter and my arms!

In all things I have lived and loved it all even when I scream in defeat or sob in pain.

In my arms and in my heart everyone I meet I hope to comfort and to bring their best selves forward and in truth my animals have given me so much more in finding my purpose for my time. I think it's the simplest things that give me the greatest love of all!

In my life when my husband was struggling and when I thought that I could fix our time together I went out on my own to find a puppy, when usually I would pondered and asked others opinions on big decisions like that in my life, for I liked learning from others in what they could share or help advise me on....Not when I knew in my heart the calling of change and a dog was just a 45 minuet drive away....

In beginning it was Oscar and me in EVERYTHING, now as we welcomed more pets into our home I feel his old spirit loyal and true still to me even though he's become such a loner, a simple scheduled dog. Therefore I will make this the summer of Oscar!

In my heart I know I am transcending into a stronger person who has to face all the fears of loss with even more clarity and caring over what is very important to me. I don't agree with how the system works yet I know in all things I shall live my best life.

In the future I will tell the stories of these days with joy and with a big beautiful smile even in my gray and my wrinkles!

In my life I have loved every moment even when I want to be completely alone.....

In my eyes I see how one can get out of the chaos and the clutter.

In my mind I am always seeking solutions.

In my heart I love everything and everyone just as they are.

In my arms I open out unto the world as I smile to see my dogs running once again beside me! They will live on in me as the best days of my whole life!

I rise up and take on a new day!

Sweet Sidda

I can still remember that starry night in the grass of our backyard, I knew she was sick and she was not herself. Yet I thought I could get her back on her feet as I have in the past. We laid there under the spring moon light, I kissed her and cuddled while she looked like she didn't know where she was. 

My life has changed so much that I still love being 40 even in the end of times, I love getting old. I am as I was when I was born simply knowing all things die therefore I cry.

My life was made truly loving because of Sidda, I wouldn't trade a single second of time with her to be spared this loss, this pain and this amazing love in my life!

I wake up each and every morning missing her sweet brown eyes in my face so deeply.

I know her stories will live on with me always, her companionship through the hardest days of my life will always be my saving grace! My Sweet Sidda

My Baby Girl Mommy loves you!

The week without Sidda

              It hurts like hell to wake up each morning, I have a heavy chest and eyes full of tears. I know these emotions very well by now, I am in pain and at peace at the very same second I awake.

I miss her so much, she was the first dog in my eyes, in my arms I would hold her and carry her around as I wake up, she would dance around seeing Oscar and they go outside together. In the last month I have left the sliding glass door open each and every morning into mid-day where they loved to run in and out together, then Sidda would nap on the patio in the direct sun shine. I would drink my coffee out there with her in my lap or I would get all my chores done with her looking in under the golden sun. I am glad we had such happiness in her last days alive.

It's hard to not keep looking for her in everything, it's quiet and it's odd....

She wasn't a noisy dog at all but she did have demands with her snorts and grunts and occasional bark. Her dancing and her wiggling all over for attention leaves us feeling like we are missing something we should for her now that just Oscar walks around looking for her. He bends down into all her small beds through out home and my husband struggles in seeing such a clear cut display of loss in Oscar's face.

We were once a full house of  dogs and cats, we were so perfectly busy and yet so perfectly peaceful.

We came home last Friday afternoon dazed and sad, Sidda's rush to the emergency vet took a turn for the worse after her tests came back in full red ink. My heart sunk into her the moment the vet looked at us in a voice of caring "I don't mean to be insensitive but looks like we have only 2 options here...." I held her under my chin and kissed her head, knowing this is it.

We will never keep a dog on life support, we will never put them through hell just to live another year.....We have always known this. Dogs are the lucky ones who can be put to sleep with no more pain when it all goes to shit.....It's the right thing to do.

In my arms I held her for the last time, in my heart I have longed for her this week......grief takes it's time I am in no rush to heal, I understand exactly everything I am going through.

Oscar and I talk now together about everything we have been though, he's devoted to me as equal to the first day I brought him home almost 13 years ago. He loved his little Sidda far more then any other pet in our home, he'll be looking for her as he cuddles close to me....for it's only been a week.

Sidda Lee Shively

              In April of 2011 I was dog sitting Sidda for my sister-in-law's sister as she was moving and caring for her new baby boy. In the times that Sidda came to stay with me my Oscar was truly devoted to her. He had learned in his days at the dog park that big dogs were bulldozers so he would prefer the calmer little dogs more, he even put himself between such big bouncy dogs and little nervous pups. Oscar and I played at the park twice a day so Sidda join us in her happy natural way staying right beside me as Oscar ran out for his ball or Frisbee, she had no interest in his toys yet she did love to run frenzy with him and he would lay down on his belly to be at her level face to face as they rubbed noses and licked each other occasionally. I noticed that they were the very same colors, Oscar was mostly black with a white chest and paws, Sidda was mostly white with black spots. They were instantly trusting of each other that in those almost 9 years together they have never once had a fight.

Oscar at 19 pounds and Sidda at 9, made them stand side by side a head apart I could snap my fingers once then they both sat down in place. We cuddled in bed so naturally that I am still struggling at night and especially in the mornings with out my sweet little girl with big brown eyes to greet me. Sidda didn't take long adjusting to her new life with small pet beds every where, with blankets and pillows where ever she wanted. My husband would joke "Sidda is giving me that certain look of judgement again because I am making noise and she walks away with a discussed snort like I better ask Mommy before I continue on...." I laughed and nodded in the truth that Sidda had a hard time trusting men for the first few years living with us, while a guy made go to touch her or talk to her it was her eyes on me the whole time that I noticed she was a dog who loved women more,

My husband often joked that I created a utopia, a "to good of a home" life that made Sidda hate the dog parks or even hated getting out of the car, she loved watching everything from the back seat and in truth she loved just staying home as mush as possible. She surprised us after week in being apart of our family she barked while we drove down the road and it scared us to death! She had never barked before so when she did it sounded like that of a Great Dane, so loud, so strong and so deep! Oscar shot up in alarm barking away as schnauzers do....while Sidda sat back letting Oscar take charge of our protection! My husband had spilled his coffee in that moment while I laughed fully still driving and glances back at how proud Sidda was to alert a napping Oscar to our car ride adventures! My husband exclaimed "What the hell was THAT!?!?! How can a tiny thing like her have such deep lungs???" Sidda realized after that her one single loud bark would bring the focus of her companies like Oscar and eventually Minnie to her side in their crazy barking and protesting, their sudden awareness of dangers first came from that one small dog who liked laying in places she could watch over everything, while staying safe and never having to keep barking. 

She was the sweetest dog I had ever met and very clever too!

My husband said as we drove home Friday in silent shock "She was the kind of dog that always seemed to know exactly what was going on."  I smiled proudly and nodded.

For I had just held Sidda to the very end, never cracking my voice in speaking to her directly. 

She left this world with me talking on and on as I always have in a voice she has always felt peaceful with. 

"Thank you Sweet Sidda, thank you for being the best part of our family always being so good, You sure were such a happy girl the day you came to live with us, Remember how you slept those first nights on my shoulder into my neck because you were not so sure of how our schedule went. You were such a clever girl so smart and so sweet in all things you gave us all your very best self my dear, I hope you go find my brother he really like you, he even joked that you are way to cute for just being a dog so go dance with Riley again and nap next to Minnie because you deserve the very best after life from being the best dog in this one. I will always be in awe of my baby girl, my truly kind always nice to everyone and everything Sweet Sidda Lee."

Her soft little body went so very heavy as the vet checked her heart saying "She's gone, you guys are very loving pet owners, I'm sorry for your loss and she isn't suffering anymore." My husband nodded explaining "We would never want her to suffer, thank you."

I thought of how I carried her through out my days all the time without thinking of it, even grabbing the mail with her in my arms or putting laundry away with her head on my shoulder. I understand that her almost 16 year old self was tired of such a great life in the sun light, in the warm blankets of winter and the cuddling days of rain. I was able to give her such a safe place to live while she gave me such a happy home to share!

My husband chuckled "Remember that night she came and got me like an episode of Lassie, she came right in to me and pawed my legs to get up and get outside to help you with the cornered Racoon! She was so alarmed and upset by it that she knew I had to be notified right away as a family we were under attack! She had that "All hands on deck!" mission, that's when I realized she is a very smart dog. She even let me go out the back door first as she watched on in worry as to what you and Oscar were dealing with! All that commotion was alarming as we're such a quiet, peaceful home usually.....she sure needed me that night to come help you! Ya know for being a Little dog she had such a big heart loving everyone even the cats!"

Sweet Sidda sure made my life so wonderful even in my darkest of days.....

Her morning snuggles and dances for treats will always be remembered as so adorable and so important for celebrating life in all things, in that true classy Sidda style!

I got down on my knees to find her in the open crate beside my bed, as I kissed her good night saying "Sweet dreams, Sweet girl." not realizing that was going to be her last night by my side.....

Our Sweet Summer day!

               

            The heat of the summer morning was coming in as I drank my coffee, I stood looking out over our new home in Boise Idaho that first part of July in 2011. I called that magical place "The cottage." for it was a home we were the happiest we ever will be....

The morning fresh air had Oscar and Sidda walking along the new light of day as the cat Tinker laid under the lilac bush while I admire such a wonderful place to be.

The heat of the soon to arrived mid day had me helping the irrigation system flow into my sweet elder neighbor's yard next door,  Bernice loved gardening as much as I did. Since she had to be careful walking back into the wild landscape of the water source I would usually set my alarm to get up and get the water changed over for her, then as soon as she had flooded her land I would take over the use of the water system for my own huge lot. I carried a shovel and wore big protective boots along with my sun hat and cut off jeans I felt very happy on such an important water day! I felt almost like a real farmer yet I was just 5 minuets from the downtown city center.

I loved those early mornings, long afternoons just knowing everything was drinking against the rising summer temperatures, with bird baths, big water bowls in the shade of the trees and bushes where even squirrels love to soak in. Getting water out on to the earth before the sunshine soaked it all up was my every day goal!

The heat of the summer made it so very important that I stayed focused on where my irrigation water flowed as I created a huge pond like setup in my backyard surrounding the classic old pear tree, I loved the fact my little garden was easily watered and how the grass turned dark green while soaking. It was as I standing there watching, leaning on my shovel listening to the radio that I caught a flash of white fur shot by me. In the hottest part of that summer day as the water pooled up into ankle deep refreshing cooling ways across my long backyard a flash of a very little fluffy dog named Sidda zoomed right by me. I laughed out loud as she frolicked through the water so happy and so easily soaked through with one circling dance! I stood in awe and complete shock that Oscar had come to play with her as she was wanting, these 2 dogs ran together in such a delightful frenzy and pure happiness to plunge into the whole backyard under water!
I loved the joy and the delight they had in their shared life on that sweet summer day!
I stood in awe that Oscar who hated water mostly or especially avoid sprinklers was now just as soaked through as Sidda! She had gotten him off the dry patio and out into fun pool she had discovered! They rolled with each other, they danced with each other and race across together spraying out sparkling drops of liquid as I watched on in awe and admiration that I could create a perfect world for them to play so happily ever after in!
I know they had a friendship, a trust for life from starting out their first summer together in such a magical great world full of nature and safety, I found myself laughing deeply then laying down in the water with them jumping over me on that great day!

I look back knowing even then it had been an amazing day to see Oscar trust the water, to simply play with Sweet Sidda who was having the greatest time of her life bouncing all around me.
Then the 3 of us all wet and muddy took a nap in a pile of blankets and pillows on the sunny patio as I thought to myself there is no greater day then THIS very day in cuddling my 2 wet playful pup pups for the rest of my life!

Our Sweet Time

Laying in my bed and I think of Sidda, she would of been here every night.
I wish she could of lived forever since she was so kind, so loving and so sweet every single day of her life. She never snapped, she never growled or warned other dogs off of her at any place. She cuddled people easily and carefully, she kept her eyes on me at all times when we had company and she never worried when the cats came to lay beside her as she was truly gentle with all things.

I see her every where in my memories, I have a million moments to never forget with her,  For our shared life was that of pure peace, a calm cuddling caring style as mornings and evenings were her favorite time of the day, she would sigh deeply happy to be in my arms. I would carry her everywhere with me and kiss her on the nose!

It will take time for me in not reaching for her in the morning she would always be stretch out for a belly rub, I wish I could say "Good morning Girl, what shall we do today?" or as the night came in while she snored in the chair by my bed "Sweet dreams sweet Girl." 
I am suddenly so lost without her in my routine.......

Oscar bends down to see if Sidda is in her crate, then he goes to check in on her bed then he looks at me as I whisper "Sidda passed away Baby Boy, 
           We can look but we won't find her...."

The Day of Sidda

I posted this song my facebook page this morning while drinking coffee and cuddling Sidda. She was very stinky and has been sick all week while I tried everything, even made vet appointments for all my pets by the end of this month, I told my mom yesterday that I was very worried about Sidda because she has never been this sick before.

I noticed while this song played that Sidda didn't want to be touch and saliva was hanging from her mouth, it had been 4 mornings with her not eating and not acting like herself in any way.

I tried to help her walk yesterday outside but her legs were shaking out of control and she just flopped in the grass instead. We ran her to the emergency vet hospital right when I saw her drooling and we waited for a couple of hours until all the test were ran into a fatal diagnoses, her kidneys had stopped working all together. She couldn't bounce back from this simple sad fact so we decided to lay her to rest there.
It was such a shock, I am a bit dazed and a bit mad that I didn't get to prepare for this!

I loved her so much that I will be sharing many more stories of her great sweetness in my life.
She has gone home to be with my brother who knew her and to find Minnie once again....Maybe she's dancing with delight to see Riley again too. She was a friend to everyone she ever met and a friend to ALL animals, for we never once saw her be mean to a single soul in this whole world!

It's a long time to wait, to talk about it and then to follow through putting a pet to sleep. She was in my arms the whole time, her head under my chin as I spoke softly, calmly and carefully about all the great things she has done in her life with us.

She never knew I was sad until she was gone for she would of been worried about me crying as she has been these past 2 years.

Home where Sidda sleeps on my pillow every morning, Home where she cuddles up in the blankets. Home were she runs to greet me by the door when I have been gone. Home where she slept under the coffee table every night or ran a happy fun frenzy with Oscar in our big beautiful backyard!

Home where we left in a hurry this morning because she was growing so weak.
Home where we didn't get to bring her back with us this day, this sad heart breaking day of our Sweet Sidda <3

The show CrossTalk

When I first learned about RT I was in awe, I loved the depth of news coverage, the deep discussions and world wide news coverage. I would look forward to watching it with my husband every morning before he went off to class during all of his studies in law school.

It was 2010 when I first discovered this great news resource and I lived the motto "Question More." so it naturally took to me to watch more!

Peter Lavelle has hosted "CrossTalk." in such a great way of bringing the important topics to the screen with experts and those with opposite support/views on the issues.

My life is made wiser and my joy in having this news available to listening and learning at any time, common American News feels distracting now that I have this connection to such deep discussions news coverage that I am use to from "CrossTalk."

Journalism has always been a fascinating topic to me since high school as I chose it for one of my extra subjects. I wanted to work in a newspaper company reporting, writing, creating editorials and research topics, that all lay out in a classy way sharing knowledge to all!

I had that day dream at 17 years old so now being 40 I am impressed that I took to my blog in much the same ways and I am still very much into learning more then what local channels show when I get my car service or tires rotated to the always on TV. I look around wondering who thinks this is real news????  CNN and FOX have equally embarrassed themselves since President Trump came into office. 
It's time to change it all up in journalism and realize political parties have been using this media for their own agenda, not for the actual NEWS of this very day.....

When did Whistle blowers become terrorists? 
For when the people who are in charge of our nation get called out on their shit, then we support that whistle blowing with honor of the hero we need to keep the checks and balances a common practice in our society. 

When we give out our vote to the system then we should know about who we support, if they are corrupted then they should step down once they are discovered. (Thanks to the brave whistle blowers who help with this)

America was created to not be a dictatorship, to not be allowed in suppressing the people. These virtues are why it's important to remember when truth is uncovered we fight for it, we fight to keep it possible. We want REAL news again like I have found with RT ;-)

This is one of my favorites "CrossTalks." so I wanted to share a personal part of my life in my daily news coverage resources.

We live in a time where reporting the truth is under attack. 
"Good Morning America!"

Sunshine – the movie

The great light in our life is the longing to always be.

The common story of dying is often described by a great light...as a child I wondered if they did see the sunshine in their almost last sight of life. When they shared what they went through I would be so intrigued.

The truth is we desire to be apart of something great and we learn along the way that it isn't possible, because we are already great in ourselves if we look at who we want to be, for living and helping others along the same pathway in time on earth is in delight of the Sun shine and our shared time together!

The great light in our life is the peace we come to in understanding death is a equal to our honorable time in breathing and thinking while we grow up and grow down.

The blue dot is how I describe the earth all the time, my overwhelming desire and longing for the sunshine has been apart of my whole life, as a young adult whenever taking a break at work I found the outside sun with gratefulness and with my purpose to just be in it's welcoming warmth.

This movie is a powerful story, a reminder of how little we really know about our universe, the space and the stars, the sunshine that no one could ever actually touch yet it blesses our world every morning and holds us safely in place to live. 
If ever that perfect distance and position changed we would burn up all together instantly. 
This proves how insignificant we are in the realization of the powerful untouchable Sun. 
We are enjoying a beautiful world right now because of what sun light gives us every single day, we are the tiny people when the moon comes out, we are the endless wondering, the asking of all the questions towards the stars and we are made better when we stop to sit in the sunshine! (For we already have everything we will ever need from the sun just as we are.)

The questions and the mysteries will always find us as a human race in wanting to know more. The sun and the air bring us to the water and the land as the great light we love so much is found in our very soul!

Humanity's Hunchback

In 1831 popularity of Victor Hugo's novel "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame." captures the story of redemption so cleverly that it sparked people's interest in reviving the very old crumbling building.  

And so I think of this story in such a curious way that just like a popular show on our screen today we get excited about the message, the new ideas or group focus to create such a world like that of the story we have learned about....

This is exactly like in religion and how the politicians work the system for more power to make the world in the way that makes them look good to us in a church like Notre-Dame so grand and so spiritual, Yet those leaders, the holy men and the government can take all the votes, and all the voices of the people right into hidden doors of their real agendas for more power over the people. It has been happening where ever there are humans dwelling......the good and the helpless struggle against the evil and the rich. The manipulation in using religion and the name of God has always been a problem.

I have my own personal stories with religion, family and politics. I draw from my own history to be in the moment of right now, to question and to challenge all the rest of my life. 
I have come such a long ways from the world I was born into.
I have memories, facts and stories yet it's all built on preconceived notions, the agenda of my parents who follow their own notions given to them and to their parents from a line of history in that from the beginning of time is handed down by another generation whose intent for the future is more power or control. I am born from a day in history where the tent revivals and the holy spirit brought out everyone's longing for salvation. My parents met in such a place, with such a group as the passionate Pentecostals. This group of Christians can slay the demons by jumping on Satan's head in their services at a church, usually described as a mega church. I have seen many things so strange and so creepy in that group of believers. My delight at the age of 10 was to find a calmer God, a organized system in worship and in trusting no one will be laying on the floor screaming because the good verse the bad in wrestling within them, The theatrics of humans influenced by religion is not limited to just one group of charismatic followers. It has been on display where ever a person decides to share their ideas about God, about the spiritual wonders.

As I watched Nortre-Dame burn, as people all over the news seem to be freaking out I wondered "Why does it almost die, almost designates to the ground all that evilness only to be resurrected?" We will one day be judged by the generations ahead for being so barbaric like the vikings, like the cavemen ideas we have of our past.....they will laugh and say "Those people believed what now? How ridiculous!" Just as we say "People were dumb for thinking the world was flat!" The proof of everything is always in the future, we get clarity of how it is when we look back at the past.
Religion is pure evil. It's a simple fact I learned on my own. Because religion is man made therefore it will always be evil at it's core to dominate. I watched the fire of such an old building wondering how many rats are running out there carrying a history of lost souls on their fur? For such a building to be made took money away from the poor and the rich in creating such a spectacular sight the rich were proud and bragging on their achievement in the name of God and of glory while the poor begged God to rescue them now that he lived in such a mansion. One day maybe 100 years from exactly right now, maybe 500 years from right now the people of that time will know it was all so very barbaric, so filled with corruptions and devastation that the real heart break where ones who believed it all with the last beat of their heart. 
The spiritual world will always be there for every person to think about and to ponder yet it's those who put such rules and restrictions to the human imagination that will be REAL the threat to us all.


In the story of the Hunchback, the outcast and the shamed, a deformed man named Quasimodo was saved and then kept hidden in the bell towers of this huge church he was rejected by the village people, the classic Victor Hugo's story is full of life lessons, of awareness in accepting people just as they are and not as they should be, ALL religions tell you what you SHOULD be and this is a clear cut form of abuse even though "they" the leaders of organized religions use words like "Forgiveness." "Grace." "Unconditional Love." and "Eternal Life."  Yet only IF you do exactly what they tell you to do of course, then those words will bless you as one of them.
My grandparents fell for it, My parents fell for it, some of my extended family fell for it and even people I met today still buy in to it. These are the good people who want to do right and follow God into that happy ending! I understand completely that their heart's intent is not evil, but the ones who tell them this and who have made up this religion for them ARE evil, they are the great deceivers and master manipulators of all mankind. Victor brings them into the light in his stories, we should be ever grateful for these facts to help us grow wiser not bitter.

Humanity has a cycling way through history that makes me think one day in the future this will all be openly known and understood. God is whatever you create.
I have been working on the phrase "Maybe I am wrong." since I was getting married and my husband said I never said I was wrong even though I clearly was....My pride? My stubbornness? My fear of failing? Am I a person who holds on tightly to what I was taught or what I was told? Do my attachments for all things right make me automatically wrong?  I wonder if I can ever be comfortable with admitting and yet not loosing my self respect in saying "I am sorry, I was wrong."

1. I believe now that I'm 40 that the spiritual world is not wrong to think about, to seek that amazing awareness and peace of mind in what it could be....
2. I believe now that all religion, every single church out there in every single country and all around the world is born from evilness.  
God is found only where people choose Love. (if there even is a god)
3. I believe that I can be wrong about those 2 facts I carry with me, which is why I say never stop questioning even when it makes sense to me, I will never stop asking why?
4. I believe that everything I was ever told since I was born is wrong. It's a simple known fact that has found me in this past month saying "Wow, that is the easiest explanation ever, it's so simple that it makes sense in every way!" It is all wrong. I am now a blank page of realizing EVERYTHING I was taught and told since I was born 4 decades ago is WRONG.

Such topics as religion, history, politics, and nutrition are all clearly seen now as wrong. 
My life lessons in finical planning and seeking careers, in how health care works and how image is everything is all wrong. Make up isn't safe and clothes aren't cheap yet we think we should follow in line with how everyone accepts the ways of society but it's all so wrong, how does one stay on the right path through a hundred years of time when it was all so wrong from the start?

I wonder what I will learn about now that I know, now that I have arrived to this point in my life where the truth is what we perceive or find simply hidden in plain sight.
I feel free whenever I say "It's all wrong, start over and try again!"

......as the fire left a part of the huge building of Notre-Dame scared and burnt so does life touch us in much the same way as we discover every single new day that we only know what is happening right now to be real.

The Joe Rogan Show

My brother Davis shared with me recently how Jordan Peterson has 12 rules for Life, and so I looked him up online and then realized he was on one of my favorite shows, "The Joe Rogan Show."

This clip of Jordan Peterson talking with Joe Rogan brings forth a truth in how everything has changed for our knowledge with so much education now on the internet. 
Youtube is a wonderful resource for researching the truth on any topic in the news or learning about what topics people are talking about right now.

I have noticed some people share about how overwhelmed by all the resources, all the news coming into our worlds they can be. 
Yet with the internet we can decide what we want to listen to or what we want to think about.
 I like finding new ways of learning about the news at hand.
THIS is a great freedom we have in this country.

It's important to know that the way it was back in the day in conveying the news is no longer the norm.  The American people are branching out and not just taking popular networks at their word.

I am equally optimistic for the future as these guys are in this youtube clip on how we will become smarter with the internet, with the new ways in sharing our stories to the world!

Wild Montana Skies- John Denver

Yesterday I walked the market in Meridian and met up with my friends, I visited and hung out getting henna art work done on my arms.
I have mentioned before that my life long friend Tiffany can do AMAZING art work! When she lived with me we did tons of henna in our summer weather.
She has her own booth now in markets and festivals. Her girls had monumental birthdays this spring so we 4 went out for a nice special dinner and a fun evening together. I love these friends of mine!
While I was there yesterday listening to the live music I mention how he sounded like John Denver and Tally who is now 13 replied "It probably is."
I choked and chuckled at her saying that in such a real teenager way, I am old. 
I like being old so much that I can explain how John Denver is a classic icon, a real american singer.
The ideas he brings forth in music before he died is a honor to the past and a honor to our country's wilderness, freedom and landscaping for hope.
Yesterday I walked around thinking of how nice it is to be wiser and calmer, yet being 13 years old was a very passionate time back in my life, I wanted my ears pierced, I wanted to do my own hair (Because my mom was always doing our hair) I wanted freedom in being different and in learning new things yet I felt trapped. I felt at 13 years old I should grow up at sit at the table with the ladies over tea in the afternoons yet the younger kids ran all over the farm for fun so after sitting with tea I realized I hated it so much. I have my whole life to sit around talking why not go get dirty playing soccer on the gravel road?  
I see in my friend the same mixed feelings of being a kid and being a new teenager now too.
I love that she is growing up, that she has been in my life along side her mother and her sister Abby who is now an adult. I love them so much that my heart burst with such happiness in seeing them again!

For being apart of their magical family has always given me such joy!
Let the gardening days begin!

The month of May

It's a beautiful time of the year, it's a busy time of the year to get everything done.

I love spring cleaning, I love planting new flowers and herbs all around my home while sweeping the patio and creating a relaxing place to sit cuddling my pets.

It's going to look amazing and be so welcoming soon. 

It's been almost 2 years here so the timing is great in finishing up the surroundings, my Dad and my brother came to prune back all the fruit trees so I have been impressed with all nice the trees look now as I spray them for a better harvest, my brother said it will be NEXT year that the crops of fruit will be outstanding so I can't wait!

The month of May is so magical as the days I spend with my mom we go to the garden center for things she can grow in her big pots all around her driveway where she rolls her wheel chair safely in watering and being out there.

Last Thursday I brought her a flat of marigolds knowing they are the type of flower that won't die until late fall. It also brings bright color to her front door so she can enjoy her ice tea in the wonderful smell of spring!

I love this nice weather with more sun light, I am laughing at how my dogs run together in their happy frenzy in the nice almost summer like evenings, the grass looks great in this early time of the year so even the cats lay out into it. The sound of children playing and the neighbors BBQing has been a welcoming feeling in our neighborhood.

It's been such a good year being 40, I celebrate it in every way!

I hope to get my dream project lists done, some people have a bucket list of traveling or owning a new wardrobe, learning a new skill, or doing something they have never done. My bucket list is growing flowers, herbs and healthy trees with places to sit and relax among them. This month is going to be full of wonderful things to plant!

The Jimmy Dore Show

It's like a journey, a drone video moving over the earth as if telling a story like it's in one of the famous episodes of "Planet Earth." only this is about people not animals....
Because the American history of politics and people coming and going, ever changing and ever so corrupted, it's like watching from above in shock or in annoyance.
This nation's 2 party system which has grown into it's own day time TV distraction, those soap operas that get very dirty and very dramatic, our politics is embarrassing. For we are all saying loudly at the TV in one way or another "What the hell!?!?!"  

         I have admired Jimmy Dore ever since his coverage on the Bernie Sanders campaign back in 2015/2016. And since I am always moving around for my news coverage, I get into a habit for awhile listening to a certain reporter then if they become stuck in a rut on a political topic I'll simply move on. Because news coverage is always happening with the agendas/messages that people want to get out there in the world so I take my liking of any news show with a grain of salt, 
The 2 party system in our political world is breaking off into many different groups and yet in this video Jimmy give us over all percentages of what we as a whole want for our country and our future. I am grateful for his honesty and his cleverness!
This video is so refreshing and perfectly honest that I had to share it!