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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

What is God to you?

Last week I sat with my mother as she entertained company, 2 women from her young parenting life, back when my mother was full of energy in high hopes to home school and to be the best homemaker ever! I sat happily enjoying the company of women who have changed. Who I could clearly see have grown in their lives as well...when I was a kid I use to worry about these women as they chatted over hot tea and whoopi pies. They were feeding off each others egos and images of perfect christian motherhood, I worried about them because I saw how prideful these religious rules and ideals were sending them into an exhausting life style of unnatural perfection. Last week I sat happily to see they survived, these women I use to worry about so much.....In fact they came out a bit more humbled by real life then I ever thought. As a child I was surrounded by chatting discussion over a bible verse meaning this or that and how premarital sex was THE SIN of all Sins....These women my mother included lived a very sheltered and safe life in comforting pages of their bibles. When they prayed once again in hands with my mother on her couch now months after her stroke I realized praying is more for the ones who do it then for the one they pray for. Prayer isn't the problem with religion, we all need to calm our souls and clear our minds so if praying stops us from worrying ourselves in circles then it is a good thing to share. I watched these women once they held the keys of structure for their children, of such guidance with the glory of God. Once I was little watching them in wonder and worry, now I know the glory of God isn't within any pages of a book. However easily found inside ourselves, always there from the moment we drew breath until the moment we die. Our soul is simply already a part of God's glory, our strength in realizing this is however a very personal journey, that even with all the bible verses studied can not bring about this awareness. 
My mother cuts people off in their stories and sentences, not out of rudeness in any way but now in how she is forever changed. She doesn't have her right side brain to flare up warnings of other people speaking...she is mostly living on her left side now which is our sense of individual self. Her story telling is very much real and working just fine, her memories are strong enough to remind her of what she was like and who she is still. I think most people understand, it's impossible to take my mother interrupting personal, she is a survivor of a stroke. I listened to these women of my childhood visit and watched with such joy at how my mother shared her story of what she remembers about her stroke. I am a grown woman now, aware of much more deeper things then just whether or not a woman should have the right to vote or how a proper woman will not leave home until she is married to maintain the correct christian family structure. Luckily for me I listened to these women talk like that back then in my childhood, simply knowing the world was much bigger then even they wanted to admit from somewhere inside of me...... So last week I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck when my mother shared with her old friends "Everyone is asking me how do I feel about God now that I had this stroke?" I waited with alarm in wondering to myself "Who is asking this???" I watched my mother's face for large were her eyes and her hand move as she spoke to her christian friends "I said that I dunno, it doesn't I guess God is still God and I am still alive. Although I hope if this happens again that I can just go to heaven and not come back to this couch." The ladies chuckled and nodded, I wondered to myself "Whose business is it to ask such a personal question? My mother's faith/belief  is of her own! Isn't it said that once you are saved always saved? Why would people ask what is God to my mother now when she is working so hard on just knowing how to move her hips?" My mind raced with questions to what is important, should we worry that a sudden life changing event would pull us away from God? Is God so easily removed that we can ask such deep personal things of each other in times of struggle? I am reminded once again how not being a Christian is by far more peaceful for me! OoooH Give me a hope, a love to let these questioning people who ask of my mother if she still believes in God the grace to not get pissed off at them for the invasion of privacy. I washed the dishes that evening wondering "Is nothing HOLY and is nothing scared? God doesn't just simply disappear if we stop believing, I wonder why it should even matter how my mother feels towards God....the question should be how are we living with glory God gave us in being simply alive?" My mother once told me (last year actually around this time) that God was everything to her, for she could sleep at night knowing God asked her to sacrifice worldly pleasures, wealth and even people to prove her faith in him all that much more. I simply replied back to her that God doesn't test us, we have free will to choose our life story. Last week I drove home realizing just how true it is, God doesn't need anything from us...we just are here living a life that CAN be for good or for bad or maybe for both?
What is God to you? I think We are ALL trying to figure that out, God is a very personal power to myself and the answer is actually endless if I tried to capture it with words.......

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