Reflective October

When every year October comes around I have noticed a big part of my questioning mind finds peace....Usually after my road trip among such changing leaves or in my long late afternoon walks in the park. I see the season changes so clearly that I feel a change inside of me as well. I am inventing myself from what I have learned over that busy past year. In my heart I see OCTOBER arrive to reflectively heal me. I do enjoy this month no matter how hard it is for me to face things within my history, within my heart.....Maybe its hard because I am digging down deep to understand myself and the lives around me better? October brings us to that turning point, showing us how nothing is staying the same. It's full of beautiful days in vibrant new colors and changing weather. I find myself strong for the cold winter to come and wiser for the next gardening lessons in spring....
This morning I say goodbye to this reflective October and hello to the holidays!  
Happy Halloween Everyone!

Scary Movies

 The Exorcist  was recommended by my father-in-law as a classic scary movie, so on our first Halloween married my husband and I rented it. In that dark October night in 2003 we watched this film from behind our big white fluffy new pillows. We squealed and hid as we watched the story unfold about evil spirits fighting with the priests. I truly hated the ending, the unknown spiritual world was freaking me out also! Then I realized that one scary movie a year was okay since I am not sleeping alone anymore:-)

The Shining  is without a doubt one of the most scariest movies I had ever seen and so on our second Halloween night in 2004 with a big bowl of popcorn and large beers we watched this classic! I really think Jack Nicholson has the best facial expressions in this movie, he actually already looks a bit scary to begin with.... 

The Blaire witch Project I had never seen this movie when it came out because of how scary I had heard it was but on our traditional Halloween night in 2005 we watched it. I was amazed by the unique way the movie was filmed as if it was any ol' home movie and how funny it was when my husband jumped or grabbed on to me even though he had seen it all before...Once again the ending left me frustrated as you really are left in the unknown.

30 days of Night  has to be one of my most favorite scary movies of all time, the story unfolds quickly but allows you to know what is happening at the same time. It has new twists and turns that make it better then just any other vampire movie. I loved that Halloween of 2006 when we watched this because we watched it a second time in a row to understand it better. 
(I still think watching it never gets boring!)

The Exorcism of Emily Rose Now I wasn't going to watch this once I understand how real this story is said to be...but when my husband got all his co-workers together for this Halloween in 2007 then I didn't feel so frighten to watch it. Although I have never liked movies about evil spirits or being possessed. In a big group with Halloween candy and sodas I was really impressed with this movie while not as frighten!

The Uninvited  We watched this movie at our friend's house with the interruption of trick or treat-ers at the door in 2008. It still was a very exciting story of a daughter suspicious of how her mother died and what her father was up to...Even though the ending wasn't what I thought it would be, it was still a good scary story for Halloween!

SAW Now in 2009 my clear understanding about scary movies is that I hate gory or extra bloodiness movies... and 
I vowed NEVER to watch SAW because of such crazy grossness, then my husband said he thought it would be perfect for our usual Halloween tradition. I give the movie credit for it's cleverness, I am glad to have seen what all the fuss was about, Even though I will not watch any additional Saw movies out there....Maybe I am becoming a scary movie snob?

The Crazies was the last scary movie in our lonely boring condo where no one came to trick or treat, where no one decorated or dressed up. I had been waiting for months to watch this movie knowing it would be the kind of scary movie I liked....small town community has local people freaking out and killing each other yet the excitement of how to survive goes through out the whole movie to have you wondering why? So on that Halloween late late into the night of 2010 after we had handed out candy at my brother-in-law's place, we watched this really good scary movie! I still think it's a PERFECT movie for Halloween!

(I like the more thriller type scary instead of the murderous senseless movies..... YUP I am a scary movie snob now)

   

Oscar's First Halloween

When my dog Oscar was a puppy I would walk him downtown Boise all the time. I was trying to get him use to all the noises and people. On his first Halloween I dressed him up (within reason) to look simply adorable! So on that beautiful warm crisp clear October morning he and I walked through the park straight to downtown. With his little fisherman's outfit on (That "Grandma" Jo Anne bought him.) It was fun to watch as the people walking by always stopped to bend down and pet him. Oscar strutted along beside me showing off even his pumpkin feet! When a business looking lady watched us she said with a smile "He sure knows he is cute" We both laugh at him as he sat down while the intersection light was red then he stood up ready to walk once it was green again. That Halloween was so much FUN as we enjoyed the bright warm sunshine on the patio of the coffee shop and Oscar wore his hat proudly!

My first Halloween

During the afternoons I spent with my mother at the hospital over the last 3 months we would sit and talk about everything and anything. I enjoyed hearing all about my mother's memories and her life stories. Those were moments to always remember, I loved learning how in my first Halloween before I was a year old my mother dressed me up as a Raggedy Ann Doll.  (I LOVE this story about Raggedy Ann) Ironically my mother thought I was so cute as a baby raggedy Ann and she always felt left out on Halloween as a christian kid (hmmmmm ME TOO). While she celebrated Halloween in my first year, she also explain how it really made her father mad and disappointed in her parenting. So she decided to never dress me up for Halloween again, if it really IS Satan's birthday then she doesn't want her kids to participate....Mom explain it all very simply to me from her hospital bed. She commented "I never saw it as a bad thing until that first year when you were born....then I realized I have to protect you from such an evil holiday." I nodded listening seeing it all from her eyes in much better way. I explained about how excited I was to be a fairy this upcoming year and last year I was a Fortuneteller with a crystal ball in my hand that the kids all loved looking at when getting candy. She smiled and said "Well see that all sounds like fun....it's to bad they can make it such a gross scary holiday." I explained how my Halloween is a very magical cute way of celebrating, that I also understand where the holiday comes from and I am not threaten by it. In my opinion Halloween is the beginning of the whole holiday season! (You can't help but get excited, and enjoy squealing when a flying ghost pops out from a dark tree)  
So let the holidays begin and have fun dressing up! 

Vanilla Twilight

When I first saw this video it took my breath away of how powerful the sky was! Then I realized that I have done that very same thing walked out of my front door to look up and be in pure AWE.....How often does a song actually portray those inspiring moments of our lives? I think there IS such romance and beauty in everything around us!

Romance Rules

It was such a fun event to attend my cousin's bridal shower this past spring. I wasn't sure if my mother was going to be there, as it was her brother's oldest daughter. But when I sat next to her during the games. I realized just how very different I am, how I love being around family and friends so much no matter such differences. There was a game with a list of questions to answer about my cousin. When one of the questions asked who was her first boyfriend, my mother shook her head annoyingly as she explained to me "It doesn't matter, it is NOT important...what matters is who she will be with for the rest of her life now. Because everyone else was a mistake until she found her spouse." I realized that my mother has always had very strong views on marriage and often told me that her and my father never did anything until they were married. I usually just nodded as she continued on her proper marriage steps speeches, thinking to myself that I didn't care nor did I actually want to know. Whatever love story my parents had or have was personal to them and if it's strong, real or honest then it simply shows forth without words to explain it. I realize this conversation with my mom was a couple months before her stroke....BUT I still wonder why she had to say all that at the bridal shower?  The game was fun no matter how it upset my mother, I liked how my aunt got all the questions right since this "bride to be" was her own daughter. I was very happy to see how close and loving they all were with each other in the family. I also enjoyed joking around with my mother through out the evening, She still had her set rules at the ready for another life lesson. I tried to change the topic whenever her speeches started up again, I chuckled in reply to her annoyance over the previous boyfriend question saying "Sometimes you learn what you like or don't like in a partner after having a few funny experiences in dating or in that first boyfriend....Romance can make a great story!" I smiled as mom rolled her eyes even though a few people around the table nodded at me.  There is a big wide world full of romance and love stories out there that I love to hear about, either with all the rules or not...every love story is personally different to each and everyone. After that evening as I drove home thinking about what my mother said, I realized that such "romance rules" are different to us all. There is no limit to living with LOVE.....for the connections are endless!

Watch the Movie Carefully

Whenever my mother got together with her friends, they would share a movie with the rest of us kids. So in front of one TV a dozen or more children would fill the space excitedly to watch the new flick. However I learned quickly in this kind of setting it was just a matter of time as the movie unfolded that the pause button would be soon in use.....There was always something very showy about these homeschooling christian mothers, they were almost trying to "Out Do" the other mothers, like pausing the button to explain how per-marital sex is a sin no matter how "in Love" these movie characters were. I was always confused by this because the chances of us kids seeing a kissing scene go actually into a sex scene was very rare as the mothers raced to hit the fast forward button in horror. These friends of my mother prayed out loud randomly when a movie suddenly turned "Sinful" by their standards. ( Also it was just another use for the pause button) Then there were the following debates among the mothers....for example;
Mother #1 says to my mother "I had no idea THAT would be in this movie it's a black and white film for pete's sake!"
My Mother replies "That is why I never rent many movies, I can't take the chance if I haven't already seen it first..." Mother #2 shares "I saw this movie when I was a kid and don't even remember THAT was in it." My mother rolls her eyes back at the #2 mother "Well YOU were raised outside a christian home and didn't know any better." Mother # 1 nods in agreement then the 3 mothers turn to us kids as we complain loudly that the movie is STILL in the pause mode. I was left sitting there listening to these mothers wondering to myself what was the problem in the first place???....I truly hated watching movie with these people the older I got. I noticed more weird  awkward behavior of the mothers as I matured. One time I clocked a simple 1 hour movie took 3 hours by the time each mother shared how important it was to never use curse words or save ourselves for marriage or there is no such thing as magic or the only happy ending is when we are in heaven. Looking back I think the most annoying of all was when we were half through a movie and the mothers decided it wasn't getting any better so they turned it off in the middle of the plot and sent us outside to play. We usually sat around guessing at how the movie had ended. Naturally I would memorized the interrupted movie's title for later, when I was able to watch it all the way to the end. How amazing it was to watch these old movies years later that were so "inappropriate" from my childhood. Truly I wondered to myself "What was the BIG DEAL? I can see for myself that it's just a movie not the way I will live my life....."  Ironically these "Issues of a sinful world" in a movie have away of allowing us to be aware of them, to know why or what they are. In my childhood I was so extremely sheltered that when faced with these same real life issues I couldn't make a judgement call without a bigger struggle to teach myself, to know what is really going on. I think the word "sin" is used to control people by fear, trying to enjoy a simple movie becomes such a personal battle against "Sin". 
The story and life lesson in the movie can be lost from the film as you reach for that pause button to pray "God should I be watching this? I want to...but I don't think I should...what do ya think?" 
Perhaps God is rolling his eyes just wishing for an actual "Pause button" to this world, with how crazy we can become......

Listen to the Music

The Radio played either oldies or country music as I grew up. I once got into the modern Christian music as a pre-teen only to have my mother not really trust it. I remember riding along as I sat in the passenger seat, I was singing along to the song from the radio as my mother drove. She suddenly turn off the radio alarmed and annoyed. I looked back at her from my daydreaming out the window in surprise. She sighed "You really should pay attention to the WORDS of a song before you just sing along." I was still not sure of what to say back as I frowned in the sudden silence. My mother had been worrying over music and movies for a long time with us kids. Even poplar sitcoms or TV shows that family and friends watched were not allowed. (Like the feminist movement propaganda in the TV show "Dr. Quinn" or the condoning of divorce in the comedy sitcom "Step by Step".) I made a mental list of everything I would watch someday when I wasn't a kid anymore....and I DID. In my first year of my own apartment I rented every 1980's movie that was popular. When it came to music my mother would brake down all the words and lyrics line by line. She then asked us if we thought these words were glorifying to God or not. I remember how she would ask with her hands on the steering wheel in the moving car, as her long thin fingers would point out towards the radio when she just heard something she did not like, "Would you be proud if Jesus heard this too?" How important it is for me to mention that this happened all the time through out our childhood, because it began to feel like a game in getting the right answer in at her first. We had the following replies usually at the ready like; A. Jesus already sees and hears all, so he isn't surprised. B. We have no control over what the radio plays and C. WHO CARES. As teenagers we really did say these things back at our mother but she never gave up her speeches on how the message of music will slip into our heads and corrupt us into Satan's trap so we need stay alert! My sister took her music privately with head phones and a long glare if you asked what she was listening to. I stayed loyal to the oldies long after my country music got boring....and without realizing it I knew the words in every song, I listened intently to what the song was saying and what it meant before I would like it or not. A few years ago I went on a road trip with my mom to the coast, she played the same songs over and over again of Johnny Cash. I asked "Can we just listen to something else maybe on the radio?" (For As a young married woman my music knowledge has grown beyond the 1950's.) Yet my Mother with her lightly gray streaked curly brown hair frowned at me saying "The radio doesn't play good music anymore....have you listened to some of those words and messages they have nowadays!?!" I smiled to myself looking out the window of the passenger seat once again, for I can't help it now......I WILL Always listen to the music, to the words it shares and what the song means.

NO more Hate Crimes

It was just a couple of weeks ago when a friend of mine was attacked and beaten for being a lesbian. She was able to share this event and I was so upset and truly sad. Then I was comforted to see all the support on her facebook page....
These hate crimes still happen...
Why do we have such hate inside of us? It's nothing new in our history as a society to struggle with those different from ourselves.....I realize this. BUT why does it STILL happen? We have more information available to us on what is same sex marriages, love and attraction. How heterosexual marriage dominate the system in society, yet I see them all as wonderful love stories, truly personal to each one of us! We should celebrate every soul and every relationship with the most honest love and support! Trying to understand why someone likes another person or whether you approve of it, IS NOT YOUR JOB. I grew up with such judgement all around me, about how other people were making bad marriage choices, it was all such gossip, it was just scandals. I grew up realizing from all of that strict judgment around me, that when I find love, I am the only one who can determined if it is right for me or not. Now days I don't buy into any of the biblical rules on what is proper marriage. For THIS is bigger then most people can grasp, it is LOVE, personal to each of us. Like I say all the time LOVE is far more powerful then any religion out there. Maybe this hatred is lesser then it use to be for the gay community, maybe it is NOT. I know in my own personal heart that I will fight this hate with every loving power I have within me to do so....
I liked what I heard once on the radio as a straight man said "Gay men do not come out of the closet without having first discovered the truth about themselves and are secure in their sexuality. So most straight guys are intimidated by them because of that sexual awareness and personal journey is clearly seen in that gay man. Most straight men need to catch up in their own confidence"

I believe there is room for all of us to create a life of Love and peace, no matter our sexuality, no matter our differences. We can share so much in our own personal love story. That Love for each other, ourselves and the whole world!
Then there really would be NO more hate crimes!

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

I love how the fall season moves into our summer days with such a cozy feeling, while the trees change colors and the mornings send a chill in the clear sun light. Then there is the tasty Pumpkin Spice Lattes! In my fuzzy sweaters and wool socks I drink the tasty fall beverage happily! I am one of those people who look at the weather first before choosing a drink. I take in the crisp smells of fall and change my clothes from cut off shorts with my tank tops to soft worn jeans and big heavy sweaters! Then I think to myself that a Pumpkin Spice latte would be perfect right now as the wind blows or the rain falls. That creamy steamed milk with a hint of coffee in the rich pumpkin texture followed by a zesty nutmeg after taste makes me smile sweetly saying 
"Aaaah THIS is Fall, It's going to be such a lovely day!"

Stuck in a Moment....

The U2 song goes something like this;

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it....


I have been sad, stuck in the memory of the day my mother had her stroke, of the day she went into a coma and had emergency surgery. I am stuck in the night she went code blue and all the days running into each other at the hospital. I am stuck in the moments of crying heavily or shouting back at my father. I am stuck in the memory of being misunderstood or judged by my siblings. Truly I AM stuck in all of last summer......yet this is fall now so when should I have healed? Maybe there is no guarantee time to be healed or present. I am going to have to get myself together changing my sad story to one of hope, I am by nature a very hopeful person. Yet I feel like a sad fairy, like a truly changed person. Once did I fly, but now I sigh. Once I believed in happy endings, now I see a reality. Once I belonged, now I am looking for my place again....Maybe I am not as stuck as I feel, maybe I'm meant to take time in processing this more.....? I take comfort in U2's song as it reminds me of who I was, and where I am now.

It's just a moment, this time will pass

Perfume

I remember my Grandma's bedroom with a closet full of clothes flooding over and sticking out the doors. She even took over in the guest bedroom closet with more of her clothes. When it came to fashion and class my Grandma Norma went "To town" in pure style! Her hair was styled with sliver streaks and dark gray curls, Her make up was spotless and her jewelry was the old school "bling bling". Her clothes always match the light or heavy sweater she wore hanging over her shoulders. Each purse she owned was changed out along with each individual outfit. As a child I LOVED to touch her perfume collections of decade old scents and glass bottles. It was alarming to her if I actually DID touch these staged sparkling bottles. She had rose pedals laying dry among her perfumes. I saw that and copy it for my own bedroom when I was a teenager.....Grandma also taught me to wear my old farm shoes to the car then switch into my nice shoes once on the road to town. So the mud of the driveway stayed off my new shoes. When we shopped it was an ALL day event as the hour drive into Boise made us want to enjoy the whole day! So now when I smell perfume somewhere I think of my Grandma and miss her. Now I don't have the same collection of perfume and really the only scent I use is Lavender essential oils or lotions. Yet I can still be taken by surprise when I walk through a department store and smell instantly the memory of my Grandma Graber, it is as if she is walking along side me again......maybe just maybe she IS!

A question of Change...

My Childhood was full of personalities in such a large extended family. I usually followed around faithfully my cousin Cally Ann for she was just 2 years older then me. Maybe I really needed a big sister in my heart, I noticed she was always quieter then most of the kids and even seemed contented on her own. She would find places to sit by herself out of sight or out of the way. She was always watching everyone as we had those big crowded family dinners. I remember the late evening when I found her again all those years ago. She was by herself hanging her legs over the high hanging patio to the dark gravel driveway that went around our Grandparent's home. I walked up quietly sliding down on the cool cement floor letting my shorter legs hang over with her. We both rested our arms between the wooden railing and looked out into the mountain side of ever green trees and big grown bushes. The distant sound of the highway traffic around the mountain filled the quietness, THAT and the loud laughter coming from inside the house full of family. I suddenly asked thoughtfully in my 12 year old mind, "What will happen to this house if ever Grandma or Papa died?" Instantly Cally Ann burst into tears and I was alarmed. She was beautiful with her long blonde hair laying down around her shoulders. I leaned in against her with my own soft tears as I apologized for making her cry. She half chuckle and half sob "Who asks those kinds of questions out loud? Leave it to YOU." she leaned into me as she said that. I proudly stated back "I will buy this house when that happens! Then the family will always be able to back here again....Like a family reunion." I smiled again at my conclusion. Cally laughed out loud then nodded "Or maybe I will just move in here and stay." I kept swing my legs next to hers enjoying the lovely evening in our quiet moment. I sadly said "Everything is changing....and I want to hold on to a place like this, a place I know and love." Cally hugged me right then as she said "Me too."

Big Butts or Skinny Butts

Over this weekend in Kennewick Washington, My Aunt Chris was amazing in getting us a limo to ride in on our wine tasting. I was so impressed by how nice it was to have a ride where we all could be together. My Aunt Vetta was the one to say that if we had all the skinny butts in one seat then we all would fit better. This conversation ended up a joke for the rest of the trip about butt sizes. I made a comment that I was glad everyone liked their butt size so we could be proud to sit in such a limo. I wonder how many women could joke about butts like this and not get upset or insecure? I had always loved my butt even when I was a size 18 and now at a size 12 I still love it! My Husband said I had a heart shaped butt it made me realize on that butts no matter the size should be loved! It was fun to joke about our butts as we are all family with familiar traits and looks. I think what impressed me the most was how confident and beautiful we are, how our butt no matter the size fits happily next to each other as we enjoy the ride!

Trucking Home

Yesterday's road trip was more reflective and relaxed then my drive over there on Friday. 
This weekend flew by, I wanted to spend hours talking and getting to know everyone again. Being a part of it all was so comforting to me, no matter how old you grow or how long it's been there is just this sweet sense of connection, of support and womanhood among family. The drive home became very stormy but the approaching dark clouds were amazing to take in as I drove down the freeway. I come from such a big extended family that it's really fun to be apart of. I live a very peaceful life married with gardens or pets. My Hubby's extended family is a bit smaller, and not really connected. Remembering how my childhood was full of Aunts and Uncles or Cousins and Grandparents I feel very fortunate to have been born first in my family to catch those connections and relationships. Now my younger three brothers are not very familiar with those family members, the whole family structure changed with the histories, the stories and the years.....How happy I am to be an adult, to be aware of my freedom and self. I owe so much to who I am from all the colorful personalities of my family. I admire the love of these women as they balance each other out and support the next generation of women. There was a moment this summer where I longed for the comforting hugs of Aunts like when I was little and crying they would reach out sweep me up into their lap and I was safe again. They challenged my father when he needed correction, they encouraged my mother to let me dress up for fun with make up and the very second my life changed this summer over my mother's stroke, they prayed for me, they gave me such solid ground to stand again. My Aunts, each and every one of them has my heart string! Has my friendship and love! I was trucking along the road late afternoon looking at the valley and mountains thinking about how motherly love can come from us ALL and how we are closer for it.

Pumpkin Time

I have just bought a few pumpkins to carve before Halloween, I LOVE Halloween so much more each year! Now that I live in a cottage where kids can feel safe coming to our door, I am going all out in decorating and lighting up my pumpkins! (Thank goodness we moved from our dark private condo because I use to eat ALL the candy bars by myself) Now it's a BIG job gutting out a pumpkin I was very surprised by this....maybe I have never done that on my own but really it's not as easy as I thought! (Make sure your knife is sharp and you are not in a hurry) I think it will take me a bit more time to get all the faces I want to display then come Halloween the pumpkins will steal the show!!!
Happy Safe pumpkin Craving!

Wine Weekend

This weekend is my get away to Kennewick Washington to meet up with my Aunts and their daughters. It will be amazing to also attend the wine tasting of Kitzke Cellars.
I am sure everything will be truly beautiful and fun, I love all of my aunts so much! They have been an amazing comfort through these past months with my mother in the hospital! I am also looking forward to connecting with my Grandma Eva, she has been such a sweet sensitive person over praying and thinking of her eldest son (my father) as he goes through such a dramatic life changing event. My mother and her haven't always got along but when Grandma said she feels like my mother is another daughter I couldn't help but let my tears fall....For life is strange in how we are all connected! I have been wanting to see my aunts and hug them face to face...Now on this trip I can! I love my family, I love my life and I am VERY sure I will LOVE this wine from our tasting:-D
Remember to drink in ALL Life has to share, especially with others!

Going Home

My Mother goes home today, she has spent 3 months in the hospital and now on this day she gets to go home and stay there in her newly remolded cottage. With the surrounding apple orchards as they grow wild and free! She will be able to sleep without noises and shower however long she wants. Being home where her teenaged boys have missed her, where she was even born 54 years ago....this has been a long hard job and recovery for her to finally be free of the hospital:-) I am so very happy she can be back in the place she loves the most.....Home.
And I will be hitting the road soon also, taking my yearly road trip in October! The one where I go on my own to discover new sights and sounds! Where I am excited to see someone or just sing to all my favorite songs.......
Have a happy GOOD Day! 

Maybe....I am Gypsy?

I have 3 favorite stores downtown Boise for clothes shopping,  
Eyes of the world imports,  
Dragonfly,
The Lux fashion lounge,


I have become more playful with colors since I clearly understand LIFE is short so let's color it BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL!


I think such vibrant colors help bring me out of my sadness, bring me actually back to my deep joy and love inside my soul. From having shared over these past 3 months about my mother's stroke, I have learned colors can be such a big comfort! We ALL go through many things in our life time, learning more about who we are and what we are made of......I am hoping I can heal, as I move forward into the next life story or events....Such beautiful things like these clothes makes me want to be a part of the Rainbow!

Eurydice

It was beautiful last night, a clear crisp fall evening. 

The sunset was truly amazing! My husband Tony took me out for 

cocktails and to see a play that my friend Brecca was acting in! 

It was such a FUN time,  

the play was called "Eurydice"

About a young lady in love and recently

married to a musician. Her father had died, 

leaving her to miss him during her wedding. 

When her own sudden

death unfolds, 

her musical husband tries to then find her. 

While she learns how to live in 

the underworld with the 

talking stones and her father. 

An opportunity comes along 

where she could be rescued 

to be alive again, 

But sudden fear keeps her 

from going for it. 

I thought it was a powerful story 

of what is true love and 

how important it is to live without fear. 

My friend Brecca played a colorful loud stone

talking to Eurydice after she had a died. 

I truly LOVE watching acting and plays!

When Tony described this play 

like a Romeo and Juliet story line, 

Brecca chuckled in reply 

saying "Like a really morbid version." 

I really liked how sad it had ended 

because I feel my own self sad,

maybe even a bit fearful also....... 

My Mother's Humor

Yesterday when I hung out with my mom in her hospital room, I was doing her finger nails and visiting. She had gone home for the afternoon over the weekend. Mom explained to me with a chuckle "So Dad just panics that I will try to get up and walk then I would fall or something..." she explains with a wave of her strong hand. I smiled back in understanding about how she has never been one to make a big deal about herself, whenever the spotlight ever came to her she would simply duck out or get away trying keep to herself. Her stroke this past summer still annoys her greatly, because everyone knows about it and she feels exposed in this hospital spotlight. I have learn to advise her in a open honest way, I personally think the more she knows the more she can figure out for herself. That maybe she can have a sense of self-control or feel like she has some what of a say over her life. Mom kept explaining how when Dad takes her from the hospital he is very afraid of her falling. I reminded mom thoughtfully "Well...Mom you have fallen, you have had some close calls and so it's good Dad is aware of those possibilities. You need to remember this going home especially." Mom begin to giggle as she said "This weekend I was home with the boys and Dad left to get some milk telling them over and over again to watch me, to not let me get up. So I was thinking to myself "Oh for Pete's sake." then as soon as he was gone I said "Boys quick! Get me a long pole to hang on to so I can get up and walk around before Dad gets back! Those 3 pairs of eyes went instantly wide and the boys shouted together "Mom NO! You have to stay put!" I just laughed so much!" My mother was laughing again remembering and telling me this story, I had been laughing so much while listening that I couldn't finish her manicure. I truly LOVE my mother's humor and spunk! She will be going home this week, I know I won't get to see her everyday anymore as she will live an hour away, but I have enjoyed this time helping her and cheering her up. In truth she has cheered me up equally so! She has been through so much and still finds things to laugh at:-)

Words of the song "And She was" by Talking Heads

 And she was lying in the grass 

And she could hear the highway breathing. 

 And she could see a nearby factory

She's making sure she is not dreaming.

 See the lights of a neighbor's 

house now she's starting to rise.
Take a minute to concentrate and she 

opens up her eyes. 

The world was moving

she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving

she was floatin' above it and she was - and she
was.

And she was drifting through the backyard

And she was taking off her dress.
And she was moving very slowly
rising up above the earth.
Moving into the universe and she's drifting this
way and that.
Not touching the ground at all and she's up above
the yard.
The world was moving
she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving
she was floatin' above it and she was -

And she was glad about it
no doubt about it

She isn't sure about what she's done

No time to think about what to tell them

No time to think about what she's done and she
was -

And she was looking at herself

and things were looking like a movie.
She had a pleasant elevation

she's moving out in all directions.

The world was moving

she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving

she was floatin' above it and she was -
Joining the world of missing persons and she was
-
Missing enough to feel alright and she was - and
she was -
And she was - and she was - and she was -
and she was - and she was.

Care for Nature

When I think of my role-model for caring for nature, I would state that my years growing up on the Orchard farm was my beginning.....my role-model was my Grandpa Graber. He loved his farm land and hardly ever left those immaculate fruit trees and well cared for land. He was a very tall thin man with a wise way in dealing with nature, with all the creatures that lived all around. He had a calmness that allowed me to feel safe around him. I spent hours following him around from orchard row to orchard row. He would lift me up into a tree branch to see newly born baby birds and tell me what kind of birds they were. I remember exclaiming "They are UGLY! Ooooh gross baby birds look mice with wings!" Grandpa Ansil chuckled setting me back down in the loose dirt  path way. I was terrified of mice automatically, I lived in a home full of those dirty pests race out from behind closed doors or climbing down window blinds. I had mice jumping up in my bed, or running over my pillow next to my sleeping head or chewing on my cloths in the closet. When I saw those baby birds I was already hyper sensitive to any mice looking thing. Grandpa was always looking over and caring for nature on his huge farm. His slow mannerisms, his quietness allowed him to get close to animals. I really did learn so much from him, I hope that when I reach his golden age I will keep carrying on his job to care for nature also. Grandpa pick up a worm to feed those baby birds as I squealed a bit while watching, "Oh SICK....worms gross...ewww!" He was smiling as he calmly fed the birds. Then he said "They will grow up to be beautiful birds and you can say that you got to care for them as babies." Grandpa was the kind of farmer who left behind the care of nature to the next generations. 
May we always take care!

Friskie the Cat

I was just a little girl when I remember watching my Aunt Karen who was in high school play girls basketball in Greenleaf, Idaho. She also had a pet cat named Friskie at the time, I was afraid of that cat! It often jumped up on me or tried to paw at me so I was thinking it was out to get me!  When My Aunt Karen and my Aunt Kathy asked my mom if I could sleep over with them. I felt extremely special out of my mom's 3 kids I got to sleep at the farm. My Grandparents had guests over that night with holiday foods set out for snacks. My Grandma Norma had a decorate Christmas tree on the kitchen counter with gum drops candies hooked up to grab and go. I remember thinking it was truly magical all the ways she set out food for her company. My Aunts got me into bed in my Aunt Kathy's bedroom and I woke up in the middle of the night to Friskie the cat coming into that room mowing on getting on my bed. I was completely panicked by it thinking the cat had come in to bite me so I yelled out to my Grandpa Ansil. When I think of a gentle soul, a loving calm Grandparent then I remember my Grandpa Graber. So as I knew my aunts were asleep in the basement, I called for my Grandpa to help me with the cat in my bed. Grandpa was a tall man in a white t-shirt, with messy sticking up gray hair. He came through the open bedroom door asking me what was wrong. I was starting to cry as the cat rubbed up against me....
"GRANDPA. GRANDPA!" (I had felt safe enough to wake him up to help me because he wouldn't have ever lost his temper or think I was crazy) He walked into the room sleepily everything was a dark as he stumbled into the room I was sitting straight up as the cat walked over my pillows. "Grandpa the cat is IN HERE on my bed! Friskie is going to bite me!" I explained in such a panic. Grandpa chuckled and replied "Silly Cat scaring the little girl....you won't bite her now will ya?" He wasn't really awake I noticed as he talked to the cat. I thought it was odd he referred to cat as if a person understanding the situation. Grandpa then picked up a big St. Bernard stuffed dog from all the stuffed toys on the bed. I watched him very closely wondering what he was doing as he walked out of the room saying "Okay now go back to sleep the cat and I are leaving..." I begin to giggle as he left for he thought he had picked up the cat. That stuffed animal was big enough to be the cat. "Grandpa, that's the toy dog! The cat is on my pillow.....right here." He stopped at the doorway surprised then he chuckled as he came back for the lively cat. "Well that explains why I thought the cat was asleep...." I was giggling so much that I knew even after he left with the door closed so I was safe again from the cat, that I would remember this funny moment forever.

Pengilly's Saloon

It was such a rainy fall day, last night I took my husband out downtown. We are not big into the party life at night, we don't even eat out as much as we use to. I walked arm in arm with him in the chill of the changing seasons. We found a bar stool and drank our cocktails watching the city lights come on as it grew dark. Last night was perfect to just sit and warm up before heading home. We discussed what we would do if we were ever attacked like a friend of ours had been recently. We discussed how guns may or may not keep us safe. I also thought about how lovely this bar was "Pengilly's Saloon" quiet and cozy. Even though we can't solve the world's problems from a bar stool, it is nice to relax all the same. Since I have felt like my world went upside down over this summer with my mother's stroke, I haven't just sat to relax or think over things with a cocktail in a long while...(In fact that first month of days with my family and mother I only had one beer because I knew getting drunk wouldn't help me deal better with all those scary, stressful, sad hours.) Now as I watched through the big clear window of the downtown bar at all the people strolling by in sweaters and umbrellas I thought how my life is just a bit stronger then it use to be! I am forever changed and I feel at peace with this change. Sadness isn't an emotion to be ashamed of, anger isn't an emotion to ignore but no matter what I feel.....I am proud to be here in this moment no matter what it throws at me. 
The bartender asked us what plans do we have as we were about to leave, and I smiled big saying "We are just going home now to stay cozy in from all this rain." My husband laughed as we walked back to our car "No matter where we go...everyone asks us what else are we doing for the night when being THERE actually IS our outing....and we wonder why people are stressed out on the go all the time." I hope to have many more cold evenings relaxing at Pengilly's this year for life is short and I like going out to just ONE place:-)

Mom's favorite Store

It was a surprise to me how changed my mother is about shopping since her stroke. When my sister and I took her down the road from the hospital to Ross, we were saying how mom would have bought out the entire store if she could. Which as Dad and I shared was NOT her way of shopping before.....
Yesterday I was happy to take mom to the mall at the new location of her favorite store, Kohl's. She had repetitively been asking to go with her coupon and it happened to be on a very rainy day. I didn't mind because it was such a peaceful place this new Kohl's with some Christmas decor out and that fresh new store smell. I chatted away with my mom thinking this was such a good event getting out of the hospital for awhile. She was more focused on her list for Christmas gifts, she looked truly adorable in my green hat and her colorful scarf. We kept her bundle up in the wheel chair as it was such a cold wet day. My Sister came along to help but really seemed in such a hurry for her class time starting. I assured Mom that we will go shopping many times again when we can take it slower and see more stores. The mall is a nice place to stroll down in her wheel chair and just people watch. She surprised me by buying a coffee maker for Dad, she said he should be able to drink coffee at home now. I was thrilled at how nice that was of her, there are so many moments when she says or does things that I can see how she has changed. Many of these changes are good things, many are how she is learning how to be again. I have changed also....I thought about how as I walked around KOHL'S, I use to run away from stores like these annoyed. NOW I stand among it all, the bright lights, rows of merchandise and big red sale signs, sensing in myself a calm, peaceful attitude. I might never be a big shopping person but for my mother I have changed and will take her there as many times as she wants. while I enjoy it all, enjoying time with her ANY WHERE.

It's a Rainy Day

I think today's stormy rains brings with it a deep rich sense of Fall, where the weather is random and happening all at once......(Which actually reminds me of a really good song)

The Hospital days

NO ONE is going to miss the hospital when my mother gets to go home. We may miss the easy quick help of the nurses or the information from the doctors. But the room it self will not be missed. There aren't any comfortable furniture, there are all kinds of crazy noises, hallway conversations and lots of people. I think for me walking down the hallway when everyone's TV is on becomes annoying that I have to really tune it out. My mom is still going through her therapies, still learning what her paralyzed left side can or can not do.  Yesterday I was thinking how hospitals have their place but they need so much more personal touch ups....Even though I am not at the hospital every single hour or day I still feel that now after almost 3 months with my mother here, I just don't care for hospitals. If I created my own hospital it would BEAUTIFUL and COZY full of good healthy foods and vitamins....lots of sun light and soft comforting chairs. Every hanging picture would tell a story in vibrant colors and there would be real fresh flower bouquets in every waiting room:-) MY idea of home away from home would be lavender scented. Last night I helped my mom with her shower and we enjoyed it. We took our time I let her soak as long as she wanted, we talked about a whole range of womanly things.....I was thinking those hospital shower rooms NEED lots of work TOO! Where is ALL this money going? If it cost so much per day at a hospital then where the hell does those dollar signs go? How about a 3 shower head room so that while one is portable the patient is still in warm raining water? How about shower seats with soft cushion seats? Seriously, I would just think hospital could afford a better setup...instead I am left feeling like we are in a warehouse:-} Mom helped me roll her wet hair as I got her all cozily in bed. I guess the things I can change is to create a sense of an Oasis for her in her own private room. She looked warm and sleepily in the soft orange light glow in her bed as I kissed her Goodnight. We simply won't miss these hospital days.....yet I am so glad that I am here for them as well.

Her Birthday Party

We went out to my parent's home this last Friday, Mom had a hospital pass to visit. It was such a warm summer like evening with a panoramic view of the valley below. It was such a striking sunset I noticed instantly! My brothers had a football game that late afternoon, So we set our Mother up in her wheel chair on her new patio of the little blue cottage. The whole cottage is undergoing construction for all the handicap access that mom will need to live there again. It is going to be such a nice place to live with a wide open shower and handle bars. The view alone from the living room and patio is in it's self very entertaining. My family gathered there on that lovely evening to eat pizza and visit with Mom. When my Uncle Dan showed up with his married kids and their spouses I was thrilled! Having family like this come and be there for love, laughter and support made me feel truly blessed, truly at peace! Mom wanted to instantly get up and walk around so with some help she did. She told me if she could have her walker then she could entertain better. I chuckled at her desire to still entertain, there were many things she was feeling being back in her own home again. The whole family group made the event, the night wonderful, I enjoyed the visiting and singing happy birthday to Mom as she sat in her wheel chair. I admire my Uncle Dan and Aunt Sonja for always being there during all of this drama over the summer and now as we enter October. I can see their helpfulness and compassion shine through them in how family should always be.....Their children have grown into adults that I am happy to have as friends. I am comforted by how easy it is to feel close and see their loving family be there. It was a beautiful night, it was good for my mom to have her birthday party and nice for my dad to have all of us kids around to help him. It was good to hear my brother Derek laugh and my Sister Dana share her stories with her own kids in her arms. It was good to see how proud my brother Davey is of new looking cottage, how my brother Daren made a touch down during the game and how my brother Doug stayed close to Mom's side. While my husband Tony chatted with my brother-in-law Phil, while I sat next to my cousins thinking how wonderful it is to see them happily married.....I step back to let the moment be remembered and be loved!

Mom's Birthday

Since my mother's stroke this last July, our days are usually filled with her speech therapy, occupational and physical therapies sessions. With her transfers from the wheel chair to the bed from the bed to the bathroom. With her nurses or therapy teachers she walks a few steps or get to hold on to her walker or canes. Among her medications, blood drawn or evaluations the doctors discuss and explain her situation. Her whole life is changed, She is changed....I love how honest she is now about how she thinks or feels. How spunky and clever she is in problem solving or trying to get things she wants. In her good or bad days I take them equally, knowing she has so much to process. I love melting into her soft cheeks and looking her in the eye. I love how we have her still in our lives when it came down to seconds of loosing her soul all together! This is her birthday weekend where she gets passes from the hospital to go home and see her teenaged boys. She gets to see their football game, their hard work on her new home. Mom even gets to go to church today with Dad. I am so happy for her! She has worked very hard everyday at therapy in her hopes to walk again and in her new limited sight. I was remembering when they said that Mom may never eat real food again, and I cried over that thinking she would HATE that so much....then she proves them wrong by eating determinedly. Now she walks with help even though it was said she may never walk again! My mother turned 54, so I watch in awe and in hope at how far she has come!  

A house FULL of lavender

Last night my husband said to my cousins that they should see our house because it is full of lavender! and I chuckled thinking I guess I do go a bit lavender crazy in my home that the scent still stays with me as I stand next to family and friends....Life is truly beautiful with the fragrance of lavender!
When I spend the afternoons at the hospital with my mom, I always move her lavender sachet over the air flowing AC.  She catches the smell with a big smile and sighs peacefully. When I first gave it to her, she said it was amazing in the middle of the night as she laid wide awake catching the scent of the lavender  she thought to herself "WOW that works really well..." I have been sharing the amazing world of lavender for a long time, so now I realized it has become a way of life and just my usual smell of being present:-)