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Friday, September 16, 2011


I really do get upset, angry and can loose my temper! I get annoyed and instantly alarmed when I am surrounded by deep negativity....I can get preachy and bossy just like anyone in my family too! Sooooo how can I change these things in me that I do not like??? I already explained how I hide away in my happy go lucky world thinking of ways to create beauty and love....BUT I still get mad, I still get sad! I am exactly what my father calls me a stuck up spoiled brat.....(he means that in the most honest way of course.) For I DO put my chin up higher when I see him, because he has no respect for me. because he and I have battle scars. Because we have 2 very different ways of looking at life......or interacting with my mother. I know exactly what it is when my chin goes up and my eyes stay steady. I was taken by surprise when my brother Derek chewed me out for telling my mom that she will get to drive by her home on a more sunny his mind he was right and in my mind I was ready to fight to stand up for myself! and once again I was angry!!! Most of my family can hold their own in arguments, conflict and judgement....I however have been out of practice for a few years and can not really win in these battles or maybe I don't care as much as I use to on being "In the right"? What is this anger in me, what is the drive to fight back? Maybe I have sat silent for way to long now......maybe I realize I can not fix anything so I might as well just vent!?! There is such a strong control over protecting my mother or handling her in certain ways that my family will correct a good deal of my conversations with her or get frustrated at me! I think my mother needs all the honesty, all the respect and most importantly the hope that everything will get better......If I have to fight, if I get angry over and over again then that is just what these situations create and most importantly I am not afraid, to be strong isn't really about having it all work out. To be who I am isn't to get walked on or be controlled. To help out my family isn't be around them all the time, it isn't to teach them, it isn't to fight with them or help peace make all their dramas. It is to be Honest about our problems and issues, I know I can get so angry lately! .....AND MAYBE IT'S ABOUT TIME......

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