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Friday, September 2, 2011

Going to Hell

The day after our mother went "code" my 15 year old brother Dougie and I sat in her ICU room watching over her. I was surprised almost shocked when Dougie burst out crying, even though he is a sensitive kid, I still surprised by him. His tears were usually always apart of his face, so to see him burst out melted my heart! During all of this with our mother's stroke, we usually both had tearful eyes. Outside the ER on the first scary morning when I asked him "How are you doing?" he hugged me and never let go, then we cried together. Each brother of mine has shown how they feel in different ways but Doug just walks silently with eyes full. He will always be the sweetest young brother, I have 3 of them and they all impress me with great qualities! 
So as we sat in the ICU room Dougie said to me in his burst out of new tears, "I don't want YOU to go to HELL." My eyes widen in surprise then I hug him for a moment as I thought to myself that even in the breathing machine my mother's fears of hell are being filtered through her younger kids, I had survived it on my own journey now my brothers carry the fear of hell with them. I calmly reassured my worried brother that I was NOT going to hell....but the whole event shook me up so much! I was both pissed off and sadden that my brothers think I am going to HELL!!! 
What the fuck?!? was what I was really thinking as I hugged my brother. (That says how upset I was, the f word always has a kick to it when you are angered)  but I calmly said "Doug Bug, Listen Sweetie I am NOT going to hell! That is the last thing you need to be worried about right now okay? God is an amazing powerful force who will never allow anyone to ever go to hell. God has plans for you after going through all of this with mom, YOU can be the shining light of Love for God. Honey, I am not afraid to die, I am not afraid to live and I have a really great happy good life that God has given me so please don't worry I am NEVER going to hell...You are loved by God and by me and you are worth so much, in all the good you can do, I believe God is real and full of love or maybe love IS God?" I was amazed at myself for staying so calm, I really wanted to go find my father and chew his ass for telling my baby brothers that I was going to hell! (WHO DOES THAT????!!!?? again what the....???!!??) Dougie looked confused but I think he felt better and when I saw my father shortly after this I just left to be on my own for awhile. I was shaking again in my anger, I hate fighting with my father and I will always try to find a bridge to cross to meet up with him in more calm conversations...BUT I can only run after him so long to try and talk without fighting then I stop still wondering "Why is there even a hell in the story of faith, hope and grace?" It is bad enough your mother is in ICU living from day to day with unknown issues, but to have the going to hell issue pop out at me just made me helplessly sadden! It made me want to "spit nails" back at my father again, both my parents said this about me that I going to hell. (Maybe I am already IN HELL with my mother in her hospital bed struggling???) Now I THOUGHT I wasn't that angry person anymore!? For it is  grace  that saved me to live a peaceful life again....Now I realize I NEED to share that same grace to my parents, especially my father who isn't easy to approach. For Love and Grace is the only thing keeping us ALL from HELL!

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