Raw

It was amazing to watch how loving, how supportive we siblings were to each other that first week of our mother in the ICU. Even our father was thoughtful and sensitive, He has always been the toughest of men. He has his reasons for being a work-a-holic, for being proud of his hard work ethics. My father once said that if mom was in the hospital she had to choose a Friday to go in, so he could come see her. We all chuckled at the joke while Mom said back "Even then you would probably get called out." They had been married along time so they knew each other well. I have never been one to think working endlessly was a good character trait, even though I did it myself quite easily. In the jobs I've had when I was trying to avoid my life or make my life better then I worked ALL THE TIME. When I was home I noticed all I would do was think of my job, the list of things I needed to do. So maybe that helps me understand my father's drive to be at work or working. Taking time out to be still and fix your thoughts or struggles is much harder then getting an interrupting important call. I have seen my father RAW, I have seen the sadness in each family member's eyes when we were told our mother would die if she stayed in that coma. My father has layers to him like an onion, he has rules and regulations when he can control or call the shots for his life. But the whole structure of the way he sees family is changed, he is left completely raw and open. WE ALL ARE.....With each battle that my father and I face each other from our views or approach, the journey is important even if it is so painful. Something like this has to hurt in order to heal, I think with each conversation in calm information or in loud shouting my father and I are learning to communicate with each other. (Truly, Something we never did learn) So what I have learned is that there is no shame, NO SHAME AT ALL in being RAW, in being honest and hurting.......

I moved boldly towards my father who was frowning and snapping at the nurse, he wanted to take control with his commands. Although we were just told this was out of our hands as mother slipped into a coma....so I reached out catching his arm and hugging him even though he was on the move, "You don't always have to be so tough Daddy." I said as my tears poured steadily, he pulled away saying "I am NOT tough the Lord helps me be tough...the Lord you don't believe in." I didn't run away and hide by his sharpness, I knew suddenly this was the beginning of him and me, of our battles to come, with our lives unresolved issues coming to surface. I looked at him with a confident smile "But I believe in YOU, You can do this without being so tough." He shot back "ME?!? I am NOTHING! Nothing Debby without the Lord." He left quickly as I sadly thought t0 myself that there it is....there is the real honesty in my father. He grew up fighting his sense of nothingness only to be rescued by his faith, with God on his side, he has his answers....and yet he is worth more then he ever knew.....