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Saturday, September 3, 2011

I Can't Fix You

I can watch the whole sunset admiring it's amazing beauty!
I can laugh easily, I can smile big and I can dance with no fear! I can teach my dogs and even get my cat's attention with a snap of my fingers. I can talk to anyone, I can trust, I can heal and I can be strong. I can fix the sink, or start the lawn mower. I can be brave, I can be scared, I can be mad, I can be sad. I can look out over the valley, I can look up the deep mountains and know, just sense in me all that I can be! For I can fix my vacuum, I can fix my toilet, I can fix my dishwasher.....I like to fix things, I like my "can do" attitude.
Yet I can NOT fix YOU.
I can NOT fix this, Not in the way I would like, not in the way I can see it all needs to be fixed. THIS is the hardest lesson I have learned for myself (I think) It is the saddest message I ever faced....that I can not fix my family. I would rather jump up on Harry Potter's broom with my own loving wand and say "May my mother be made alright again as if her stroke never was." I want to have friends like Gandalf and Sam Wise to never leave me alone with my father, as he and I seem to fight in only high volume.....I wish my world was where I can fix things by saying "I love you, I love you" over and over again to the humming of the honey bees. ......I guess in the last couple of weeks my personal struggle is NOT being able to fix this, Maybe it is good that I am the "Ugly Duckling" in my family? For I have learned to stop trying to fix everyone. Stopped trying to carry such deep heavy worries, with that panic feeling like I should or could fix ALL of this! Because simply I can not...I can not...I can not fix anything or anyone. Freedom comes from realizing how unimportant we really are, but there is also a great deep sadness in helplessly standing still. Filled with both peace and tears I have stopped trying to fix my family, stopped thinking if I could just give my mother everything she ever wanted she would be healed and happy. I have stopped thinking I could say the right thing to my father and he would see me alive and in front of him for the very first time. I have stopped assuming my brothers need a second mother, the mothering I have in my heart for them will never go away but I can keep from smoothing them. I have stopped thinking my sister and brother who grew up with me would love to start a whole new friendship! Realistically I can't fix things to be the way I see it, with my rose colored glasses. Maybe happy endings are just for the movies? Maybe my happy ending is in my own life as I work on it? I said out loud in all my tears, in all my pain "I can't fix them, I can't. I can't  fix this time in my life and most importantly I can't fix my mother." Sadly I can't fix this at all! but I can fix myself.....and I choose to wear my rose colored glasses while looking OVER the rim at the rest of the world. For I see it,  I feel it and......
     I can't fix it.

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