Grandma's Hot cakes

There was something magical about visiting St. Maries, Idaho while I grew up! The fact that my Grandparents had a huge house at the end of a private road, the place  opened up out into the world of nature, grassy valleys and surrounded by forest trees. My father's siblings would all meet there with their own families as the whole big family came together! I thought this was a great time in our lives, being young and all together. I am aware now that it might not have been such a "Utopia" especially among the adults, with all that history. As a kid I missed out on those political debates, all those disagreements. I didn't notice if everyone liked each other or not...I just knew that it was awesome to have all my relatives together, for we played card games while enjoying a BBQ. Grandma liked spoiling us with chocolate milk, push-up ice cream bars and rootbeer floats. She was always up every morning at 6am brewing coffee, making breakfast. I noticed that there were many names for these pancakes, while Grandma called them "Hot Cakes", Her husband Papa Rudy called them "Flap Jacks". I also liked how early my Grandparents got up, I would lay awake excited to see them, knowing if no one is up yet I couldn't get up either. So I listened for the squeaking sound on all those leather bar stools, which meant Papa was up with his coffee and newspaper. My mother was always the very last to get up and she reluctantly walked around the outside of the kitchen watching over us kids. She probably felt "lost" not doing the cooking herself. The kitchen was in the center of the home with a long white counter opened out into the kitchen so you could see all the way through. Mom sat down by the wood stove edge watching Grandma serve us cold cereal as we waited to eat some cooking pancakes. Mom commented quickly "There is no need for more sugar in that already loaded with sugar cereal." I glanced at her over my shoulder as Grandma sprinkled raw sugar over the milk and cereal. Mom then sighed and looked away as Grandma clearly didn't hear her. I didn't realize it back then but my Grandma called the shots no matter what. When I began requesting Grandma's Hot cakes, she would burst out into a big smile and hug me saying she was so glad I loved her hot cakes and so just for me, she will always cook them up! Breakfast time at my grandparents was my most favorite meal and it lasted for hours. The popping sound of the fireplace, the smell of brewed hot coffee and the strong laughter from Papa Rudy and my Dad, just as Grandma gave me a wink with the flip of a freshly cooked pancake on my plate!

"What do you do with your time?"

My Grandma visited my parents last week, the only grandparent I have left in my life actually. She is still pretty young at just 77 years old, I think with her stubbornness she could reach 107 years with no problem. When I joined her and my mother for lunch one day during her stay, she asked me a very interesting question! While she was sitting next to me over soup and bread sticks she asked "What DO you do with...your time?" I don't care really what tone she may have used, I was simply stunned that she asked me a direct question! She hasn't really been that interested in me since I got married quite honestly. (It's understandable that she would side with her first born son over THAT part of my history.) I never expected her to relate to my side, I knew her very well. I understood her long before she disliked me! In fact, one of my family members said that my grandma had to create a cover story for not attending my wedding. I had to stop and think to myself "She wasn't at my wedding? Hmmmmmm I guess not...or did I forget to invite her?!?" To explain the dynamics between my Grandma and I could make for a really juicy novel (Maybe someday). Since I was inspired by the thoughtfulness of my cousin Henry, How he drove our Grandma back to Idaho from her winter home in Arizona and he still thought she needed our love more now then ever, even after that long drive. (I was very impressed! For I am a HUGE believer in LOVE!)

My Grandma was asking me, "What DO you do with...your time?" because I do not have a job, usually in "small talk" this is a comfortable area to chat about, things like your job, your kids, your house or even your car. Soooooo since she dislikes my husband, thinks my dog is a bad breed of aggression and most importantly that I don't have the distraction of any kids. She finds herself politely visiting while we eat, realizing that on top of all those things I don't even have a job, She doesn't know what I do! I smiled at her honesty in her question, for I liked it because SHE has not asked me a personal question in at least 9 years now. "What do I do with my time?" I really think my Grandma's question is more for myself to reflect and to share.....

          I wake up next to my snoring dog with the sound of my husband in the shower, I linger awhile before I spring out of bed and get fully dressed knowing it will be cold outside. Then I make coffee, I enjoy my espresso machine and usually throw a latte to go! With just one car, I have to deliver my husband to his office. Then I go straight to the park for all my dog's needs! (On Uneventful days I just stay home and I really like that too! No car, no big deal, for I am HOME with projects to do and a lazy napping dog)

My dog and I play Frisbee, go on walks as I drink in the morning sun! We watch the ducks in the pounds, even pop over to the dog park. Some mornings last longer outside if I have a pretty open day!

Of course as soon as I get home from the park I wash all the dishes, YUP just like this picture:-D OKAY, OKAY maybe I get to the dishes eventually in my afternoon...LIKE after I post on this blog or write some fresh new story ideas. I truly look forward to my writing mid-morning times, I usually have my breakfast after the running around in the park, to sit on a comfy chair writing.

     After my dog is all cared for, I then tend my cat, I brush her and clean her litter while replacing her grass. YUP! I said GRASS! She has her own cup of grass inside by her food since she never gets let outside nor would she want to. Our neighborhood roads are crowded and full of activities.

I think the care of both my cat and dog shows just how busy I am, with such important work like this in my life:-D

Now I do the laundry, my laundry room finally got painted a bright fun yellow. Even though I don't spend much time in there. I like to keep the clothes washed and hang up daily. My bed may or may not get made because if the cat and dog are playing in the piles of blankets I just leave them. Most importantly for me is to not do laundry on the weekends. especially when it is the time I spend with my husband! Laundry and me battle during the week, I am happiest with this chore when I have every article of clothing washed and hung up! Of course I have to walk around the home naked for awhile and it gets problematic when it's cold out. So maybe some small pile of dirty clothes is okay after all....but it is just one of those daily things to do!

I also like to read in the afternoon sun when it comes out. I get a blanket on the grass lay next to my dog and read for a few hours in the new spring warmth!

I also have another daily chore of cleaning my refrigerator, I am......what is the word? Ooooh YES! Obsess! I have to clean any and all messes in my frig! Sorry, no lingering around food for a science project here! I wipe out and organize every single day my refrigerator! Then just before new week of groceries I wash all the shelves and drawers in my soapy sink. I can also take my dishwasher apart to clean it from the layers of motors and screens. I am sure it not the normal homemaking projects but I am proud of these things to be so clean as if they are still NEW. The other day my oven fan was really bugging me with splats of grease all over. Now it sparkles like brand new and I am happy!  My trash cans, my cupboards and the bathroom needs to stay clean daily so I keep busy! I love these kinds of things, I love organization and the long lasting appliances. In each room of my home I am never bored and most importantly never get surround by clutter or dirt:-D  

I have to go grocery shopping somewhere in my week also! My favorite place is the fruit stand, although I do try to remember this guy's approach in this picture when next time I am in the grocery store, Looks like he has those tomato cans in line perfectly, wasting NO TIME! Of course knowing MY LUCK they would say SUGAR-FREE canned Tomatoes, THEN I would be annoyed as I am clearly allergic.

Okay so now I have just begun my list of how I live my day, I haven't mention my pop-ins to the craft stores, second hand clothing or bookstore. My coffee shop corners or favorite shops downtown? I guess I do so many things in average day it's hard to create an actual list!

"What do you do with your time?"

I create it, I own it........I love it!

A Bold Move

Mom was simply mad and THAT was a rare thing to notice, so I began paying attention very carefully from the back seat in the car. Usually Mom spent her time "Shhhhing" down our hot tempered father. Dad could yell like a big scary bear, Although our mother reminded us kids again that Daddy use to be MUCH WORSE in his anger before he had meant Jesus. However, the three of us kids never knew our father back before Jesus, so we thought he was STILL a very scary man.  When Mom was the one who was mad for a changed. We three kids said NOTHING, we even tried NOT to breath as the whole fight continued. Mom was angrily ignoring our upset father. Dad had wanted to drive around looking at newly built homes, Mom had got us all lost on the map, so they began to disagree right into a big ol' fight. Mom usually didn't get all that mad before, her anger usually went straight into a bucket of tears. Our father often cooled down when mom started to cry, so in many ways by doing this she won these arguments often in her own way. I watched on as Dad with his frustration got out of the car to slammed his hand on the hood. It was at this very moment that our mother locked his side of the car door and jumped into his driver seat. She spun out into the street with our car while we were holding on tightly! Our mother was so angry now and simply DONE with the mood of our father. We kids burst into giggles at the whole surprise change in this stressful moment. "You almost drove over Dad's foot!" I warned as Dad jumped back from the moving car in shock, his anger seemed to disappear completely suddenly. We sat up more in our seats watching out the back window of speeding off car. Dad even did his dorky dance to let us  little kids know we shouldn't be scared by all of this drama. Our mother didn't look back, she just drove us to the nearest McDonalds for ice cream cones. We stayed playing there for a few hours until our father showed up, for he had walked the whole way on his own to find us. He stood chuckling when we were so happy to see him again. Mom looked over her shoulder asking him carefully "Will you be nice now or do you have to walk all the way home on your own too?" I truly admired my mother that day, she didn't give in that time and I was very proud of her confidence, for she hardly ever revealed it. I also noticed how nice my father behaved around her after that for the rest of the day.  Mom knew her bold moves and acted on them, I often had wished she had kept that kind of spunk as I grew older also. Sometimes the most powerful person is a wise woman not afraid to take charge and protect those around her with no fear, with no hesitation, and with a BOLD MOVE!

Clownie the Wownie

When it comes to having cousins in my life, my cup runth happily over! Coming from a big family on my father's side and currently seeing more babies being born on my mother's side, Cousins are like having automatic friends for life. A generation removed from the all adults, the cousins can create their own relationship of understanding. Without my 2 older cousins (Trina and Cally) I would have been a stupid child, in my first decade of life those girls were my only true friends. So I think of cousins like a treasure, a place to go in being safe and loved. Among cousins there is a history, an understanding of the family politics that we all share. I was an odd ball child and I didn't have a normal childhood so with my cousin's help I was given a chance to learn about society. That is why I think family is so important! For we need all the laughter and support we can get out in the world!

My cousin Henry was an only child, with his blond hair and big eye glasses. I liked him instantly when I met him as a baby, I got to carry him around all the time. Then as he grew, I watched over him on the tire swings or on our fun nature hikes. He always had a story going as he walked and talked, when we played with his toy trucks in the hillside or played one of my favorites "Restaurant" in the front yard of our grandparents home in St. Maries, Idaho. He would help me add dandy lions flowers to our restaurant foods. 
I also loved surprising cousin Henry whenever my family pop into town. I would happily walk right up to him and say "Hey, Can I play?" then he would burst out in excitement to suddenly see me standing there smiling! One time he was having a tea party with some friends when I surprised him and He threw himself up in my arms with such surprise! We were good friends ever since. Although staying close over the years can be hard especially since things change in the family, I am thankful to know him again, along with his sweet husband and his currently happy adult life!

When the sad day came years ago, Henry's father had a tractor accident. It was a scary sad time when the whole big family came together. Most everyone was crying, it was such a dark time. I could sense the fear of my uncle dying, (he actually survived but was forever a different person.) That was on a Sunday evening, when the walls of my grandparents place was filled with tears. My father caught me by the shoulder asking me to go play with Henry in another bedroom away from the dramatic situation. I didn't know how I could help, so I gave my little cousin a big hug as he cried for awhile. We both had tears down our cheeks while we sat on the bed away from all the rest. I wasn't really sure if I could cheer Henry up or not. So we both sat like this a moment longer, I just listened awhile he was worrying over his father. In this calm bedroom I was sparked with an idea of a puppet show to help cheer up the situation. So I grabbed some toys while I was crawling around on the floor playing to cousin Henry as he sat on the bed of pillows and blankets. It was the debut of "CLOWNIE THE WOWNIE"! Clownie was a homemade clown toy, made from a block of wood, with a foam ball head and knitted hot pink hat on top. Along with sticking out blond hair, the long legs and arms were made from wooden laundry cloth line clips. I loved how the toy clown could wiggle and move around easily, in it's pink and purple clown suit. I began my story in my different goofy voices and my puppet show came alive! Henry giggled while watching as I created a funny, happy, new world from my puppets. "Well, HELL-OoO there!" Clownie said to Henry as I made him walk along the side of the bed. Henry ducked his face into the pillow laughing hard now. "I think I shall go for a walk! Nothing bad happens on a walk right? I mean it's not like I could catch on fire or fall into a hole or get stuck in a tree right?" Suddenly, little cousin Henry exclaimed "There is fire on your hat!" I let the clown go into a squealing fit and dancing all around in pure panic! Henry just died laughing over my theatrics until we both were laughing so hard our sides hurt. It became a tradition from that moment on that when we played with Clownie the Wownie there was always fire on his hat! I often thought about that evening all those years ago, when we were surrounded by a real sense of sorrow. How I could create a funny magical place for my little cousin to escape into as we laughed longer then when we had cried. Maybe that is why I love puppet shows to this day!

Henry burst out from hiding in his pillow "There is fire on your hat!!" again he was already laughing hysterically, as I made a goofy face changing my voice to be like the clown speaking "OH NO! NOT AGAIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Where's some water? QUICK! BLAAAAAA! Where does the dang fire come from? AAAAAAAA" we both fell down against the side of the bed laughing so long at our own goofiness! At our own imaginations and our long lasting friendship!

The phone call

I was staying a whole week at my Grandparents so each day was amazing and I took important notes of all the things I was learning, I was 9 years old. Grandma loved her ice cream bars at night while watching TV, Papa sliced his cheese and salami while reading the newspaper. I found my own time very special as I colored or drew while laying on the floor. 
   It was on one of these peaceful quiet evenings when the phone rang and Grandma told me to get on the other line in the study to talk to my Mother. I will never forget this phone conversation, Mom's voice sounded far away as she talked to me, I tried not to be impatient or bored but I listened thinking how grateful I was to not be home right then. Mom asked "Do you miss me?" I said without thinking "Nope, I am having a good time! today we had ice cream cones while we picked out some fun Disney movies to watch! Then tonight Grandma said we will have microwave popcorn soon!" I waited as Mom sighed replying back "Well, don't get to spoiled then you won't be nice anymore, and I miss you." I chuckled saying honestly without thinking "You can take all the time you need in coming back for me." When I hanged up after Mom reminded me to be good, (Being GOOD was the most important message my parents ever gave me as a kid, it meant don't do anything to embarrass THEM or I would pay for it in some kind of pain.) I always wanted to be GOOD, if not perfect But I seemed to get myself into some troubled situation all the time. Life lessons often come about with a few mistakes...Sooo When I hung up the phone I turned to face a very angered Grandma. She had her hands on her hips as she scolded me quickly, I was caught by surprised and bewildered as she yelled out "THAT WAS RUDE! THAT WAS SO VERY RUDE!!! HOW DARE YOU! You should have said you missed your mother!!! You have NOW hurt her feelings!" I stood completely unsure of what to say or do next, Grandma yelling wasn't a new thing to watch or hear, BUT she had been very nice all week, so this moment made me realize I had done something very wrong (Once again)  "How did all this happen?" I asked myself as Grandma spatted and squawked then she sat me down in the dinning room table until I had written a letter of nice things to my mother and my father. I sat there for at least an hour with nothing to think of to write as I worried over my parents, what if Grandma tells them how mad she is at me right now? will I have to go home early? Would Dad get his commonly used leather belt? I didn't stop to think I should just call my mom back and lie saying that I DID miss her and make everything good again instantly. "How do I write to someone I honesty don't trust?" I asked myself starring up at the glass crystal dinning room chandelier. With the blank paper in front of me, I didn't know how to spell very well, I couldn't read much either. I was realizing being on my own just how much I lacked in my education. Being Home schooled I suppose this was the norm for most kids, At least I hoped I wasn't the only slow learning child out there? "Why don't I miss my mother? Everyone misses their parents? But I honestly don't, I can't lie... God would be so mad at me! Right, I mean he would mad if I lied? But now Grandma is mad, and I didn't LIE?!? What did I do wrong?" I finally wrote 3 lines that I thought where very clever and maybe a little white lie after all God hopefully understands I am in trouble here for telling the TRUTH, In fact THAT actually ALWAYS happened to me! I told the truth most of my whole life and people (even my parents) got very mad at me for it! I finally realized the truth isn't what people want to hear and so I began to learn how to keep others around me happy by lying.....

Der Momy

I love U, I mis U and I cant wate to Cee U!  

 After I wrote a matching one for my father, I felt better I didn't want my Grandma to think of me as a rude kid. I worked a bit harder to get her to be nice again. She was glaring at me through out my hour punishment sitting at the dinning room table. Then she mailed of my letter the next day. I was hoping to talk my Grandparents into staying all summer long, going home to my easily angered parents was suddenly making me panic. My father worked all the time, he demanded coming home to a quiet home so he could veg in front of the TV the rest of the night. My mother was afraid if we kids watched to much TV then Satan himself would take our sinful souls, in fact I knew so many things about Satan by the time I was 9 years old that I was picturing a red colored man with horns running about the Forrest in his evil laughter. I hoped he didn't get me for lying so much! 

That phone call with my mother while Grandma listened, made me realize that I couldn't just be myself, I was surprised to realize how honesty wasn't a guarantee to have God's approval or protection. So as I walked around I said out loud over and over again "I love you! I miss you! I can't wait to see you!" I began to wonder if I could create a poem that rhymes like that, if I could learn to write and find a hidden place where truth could set me FREE!

Elephant Ears

While growing up as a grandchild to my grandparents in Northern Idaho, I loved how their back yard was huge, full of such nature! There was a endless wall of this tall plant called "Elephant Ears". Very much like a jungle to the child's imagination. We would truck right out into it during those warm summer days when visiting. My cousins Trina, Cally Ann and my siblings would disappear into layer of huge leaves. I watched fearful for the random gardener snake, while my sister Dana trucked out ahead of everyone to be the first to discover the next childhood treasure, she was accompanied with Trina who was the oldest and the first grandchild in the family. While Cally and I often grabbed each other for safety, usually screaming at a moving snake. My little brother Derek would wave a stick to push the snake far away from us. There was a strong minty scented on those summer evenings. Trina and Cally's mother had the loudest voice of all the adults, as she could tell the best expressive stories, with tons of squeals and laughter. Her voice echoed out over the whole valley below our Grandparent's home patio, where all the adults were visiting, Aunt Vee (or Auntie BooBoo) was my most favorite story teller, I ate up everything she shared with her dramatics. Papa and Dad seemed to carry around a cup of coffee at all times of the day while moving around family and talking. Sometimes with heated discussions and bursting forth interactions from all the adults over a disagreement in a shared memory or story. Our Parents were all so lively, the energy of these family circles could be either good or bad within just a few minuets. To us kids, it was mostly looking like chaos so the world turned simple and calming hanging out in the elephant ears and taking our nature walks. Trina was the first to lead us into the outside world full of bugs and bees, she would point out deer tracks and talk about fishing. She even would grab trash bags saying we each get one and now we must gather things we see that are cool looking or different then when we returned to Papa's workshop we would lay out all our nature's keepsakes, things like an empty seed pod or a funny shape stick. Then as the 5 of us kids compared our stuff we got to learn what these things were, Trina loved rocks with different colors in them, she always found something so beautiful that amazed me! This youthful time in our lives helped us learn about nature, learning how to pay attention to the world around us. In the week I stayed at my grandparents on my own when I was 9 years old, I was walking with Trina in among the elephant ears just as my parents had arrived to take me home. I was flooded with a sick feeling in my stomach, I sadly realized I would have to leave this magical place. Trina exclaimed "Hey Little Dee your parents are here! COME ON! let go say HI! I bet you've missed them so much!" I froze in place looking through the stalks of the elephant ears with amazing dread. I pulled back away from Trina's hold on my arm and she turned back to me in surprise. "What's wrong? come on...?" She asked me as I burst into tears and turned to run in the opposite direction.I was trying to hide from my family. Trina followed me worriedly asking me to stop running away. I cried back "NO! I don't want to leave this place! I don't need my parents, I can take care of myself!" Trina caught me in a big hug as she whispered "You will come back, it's okay don't be sad. Let's go see your family you feel better once you see them." I gave up fighting and crying. I explained clearly what I felt in my gut. "If we go back to the house, we won't make it back out here again tonight." I wanted to stay out until the sunset turned the world dark again. I loved sitting on those big heavy rocks out in the open valley watching the sun disappear. Sometimes I got to sit there with my older cousins Trina and Cally while we quietly enjoyed the earth's colors. I loved my simple freedom to catch my life, I knew that once I met up with my parents again, all of that freedom was gone. THAT was why I knew deep down I didn't need my parents anymore. Trina watched me carefully as I rejoined with my family after her encouragement, suddenly my father was demanding us kids to get a bath and good to bed. It wasn't actually dark yet, I felt myself fall back into my trapped life. The sunset was skipped, It was what I would really miss the most. I walked by Trina saying "SEE I TOLD YOU, everything has changed. My life is over." She hugged me saying "Your life isn't over, just not as fun...I'm sorry Dee."  Whenever I remember those elephant ears I think of how I wanted to stay out there hiding in them until I grew up and could be on my own.  Those big leafy plants and bright green colors kept me from getting yelled at or told to go bed. Maybe that was the age when I realized that an imaginary life is by far better then the real one.

The Zipper

During the week I spent with my Grandparents when I was just 9 years old in that summer of 1988, we went to the Courd'Alene summer fair. Along with my cousin CallyAnne, who was usually a shy person I noticed. She would even duck into hiding if she thought people were starring at us as I talked loudly. I always admired and followed her around all the time like a lost puppy unsure of why she was so aware of other people's attention on us. If I said something way to ridiculous, Cally's cheeks would flush as she exclaimed "Ddddebby! Shhhhh!"  I would often just shrug smiling back. I only understood what I thought and didn't realize I was such an outgoing loud child at the time. That whole day at the fair was magical and fun, we watched a magic show and I mumbled that my mom hates magic and I shouldn't be watching this. I darted behind my grandparents as they reminded me it was harmless and just for fun. Slowly, I glance up at the very bright blue sky wondering if God would tell on me for enjoying this evil thing called "Magic". It was scary at first to not have my parent looming over me, yet I soon got so use to it. "The Zipper" was a different ride for me, my cousin Cally wanted to ride it very eagerly. I willingly followed her on the "Death Trap" at least I thought that is was where I had looked death in the face through the cage straight down at the ground and then screamed as I was flipped up into the air! The ride was painful for a small 9 year old to fly up bumping my head on the top of the cage then I was sitting at a slant and couldn't get my feet to touch anything for support. I was more terrified then I had ever remembered on a ride at the Fair, I began to beg Cally to get me off this ride as my fearful tears slid down my face. I had been keeping my eyes closed most of the time so when I looked over to Cally she was tightly wedged down against the side of the cage, she was pure white and her own eyes were shut as she screamed through the screen side of our seats, to let us off right now. I was relieved that she agreed with me the ride was way to scary and even though she is a few years old then me, she didn't make fun of me for crying. Papa and Grandma were very surprised when they saw us running to them looking so sick and sad. So we were treated to refreshments as Papa Rudy won at the booth games, Grandma said he always had such luck at the Fair. When Papa reminded us girls that when he was our age he never knew about a Farris Wheel ride or what a carnival was. I added back "WELL now you know! Stay away from the Zipper or you could die!" Cally would just shake her head at me with a chuckle replying "Oh Debby."

Our Papa Stools

My cousin Trina posted a great memory that really touched my own heart, it was about our Grandpa Rudy giving us grand kids, his own hand crafted stools. To which we used through out our lives as a helping step to somewhere new, in many ways Papa Rudy knew what small little kids needed to stand a bite taller. I like to remember the wise words Papa used and the jokes he enjoyed. How he could charm the waiter over our restaurant table or hug a friend on the sidewalk with such natural kindness. My cousin Trina captures these qualities of our Papa perfectly in her blog  Huckleberry Bumpkin.  Also In memory of Papa Rudy, I wanted to add that his work shop was full of tools and gadgets to create these little stools, and many other things. His table saw sat in the center of the shop with a big pile of saw dust underneath. I loved those shavings to scoop into bowls and to play with. I am the 3rd grand child in the line, the one who followed cousin Trina around watching and learning everything I could! Reconnecting with her over the last few years has been one of the greatest joys! Although in my mind's eye we are forever little blonde haired girls calling out to Papa Rudy as we run in for a full happy embrace, with the smell of his after shave on his soft cheeks along with his good hearty laughter.

It Gets Better

As an ADULT now, I can clearly see from my own experience, that life really gets BETTER the older I get! 
I just wish that EVERYONE understood this, I wish I could save the world from feeling trapped, hurt and alone. I have the kind of personality that will always feel responsible in sharing what I have learned as I live and grow, as I see how I can help. I will never be able to walk away from caring so much and having that gut reaction to SAVE the lives around me. Perhaps it's hardwired in me from my childhood of Christianity? As I was raised to "Save the world from HELL." The fact that God can't be proven is also individually up to us figure out what we think. This can make some people go crazy with the unknown, with that need for a set of rules to live by. What kind of God would grow tire of us and send us to hell? Humans can easily hurt each other by claiming God is on their side of life's rules, hurting or disowning each other, for I have lived through such rejection many times...what kind of God is that?!? Wait a minuet... THAT is NOT God, that is just the reactions of people using God's name! Oh phew! I was worried there for a moment that God was a son of bitch (No offense Mary) Since God is beyond all human emotions, then really we should be asking why do we live so quick to hate. to judge and to abandon those different from ourselves???....SHAME on us! It's time to change our stories, our rules, and open our arms with love for EVERYONE. 
Now I know that I do preach very easily when I am passionately speaking about something I believe in...(THIS also comes from my childhood of having to always be right in honoring GOD) I have been thinking lately of how I can use these personality traits that I have... (which can easily bug other people) How can I use these things about myself to work for a better message?...It's TIME to tell the world, and all those hurting, all those sweet rejected children who feel trapped, or stuck in time....that  IT GETS BETTER!     
I was a rejected child, SO my heart goes out to all these suicides lately, for those who left all alone in their pain. THIS is where I hope this organization called   IT GETS BETTER will help letting people know that they are LOVED! Perhaps that IS why I was born? Maybe I was born to share my love, saving the world with one hug and smile at a time because it just keeps on getting better the older I get and the more I have learned:-) 

YOU ARE LOVED BY ME

Join up with IT GETS BETTER and really help make a difference in bettering the lives around you and together WE can take hatred down and build each other up!

Words of the song, "If Today was your last day." by Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day’s a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

 That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day

and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life

What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try

So live like you’ll never live it twice

Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce of memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin’ stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day

and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce of memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

"Jericho" a TV series review

It was 2006 when my husband came across the first episode of Jericho on local TV, (Almost an historic way to even watch TV anymore) It was really amazing to me that he caught the very first episode of a 2 season TV drama in real time. We were sucked in to watching almost instantly as the show revealed it's self more, with the unfolding story of a national terrorist plot, this TV series of a small town in Kansas named Jericho, showed us how it could be... if we ever needed to survive when our government/society is destroyed. Naturally, this was a heart stopping show! I loved the music, the suspense and the way the story was outlined in each episode. The strong father character (Mayor Green) is a born leader played by Gerald McRaney, I also liked how willing to protect their families and each other the town's focus was. I enjoyed just slipping into these lives of the surviving. Along with other actors like Lennie James as Robert Hawkins and
Skeet Ulrich as Jake Green. (I like to always point out my favorite character of a show, who was Brad Beyer as Stanley Richmond, Stanley was a very likable farmer and the kind of happy-go-lucky person you would want around when everything goes black.) It's a great small series to enjoy, to wonder what would YOU do if ever you got out of your vehicle surrounded by a flock of dead birds!? Yikes! I now know WHAT I WOULD DO......I would take everything I learned from "Jericho" and survive perfectly because I have watched this show, hahahahahahahahahahaha:-D

When Money comes back....

It's that time of the year when we all get our tax refunds, now we have already earned this money but when it returns to us it can be misleading, feeling like it's FREE money! If you realized it's still part of your paycheck, you will spend it differently usually. 
Money, it's not always an easy subject, even for me who loves to discuss anything. But money is the life source to having freedom and security. 
Growing up if I owed my parents money, they easily called the shots. I think that is why I am always glancing over my shoulder when I spend my money like I am going to be told I can't purchase what I would like.

I also made a personal goal to have my retirement account going by the time I turned 30 years old. I have learned more about money since I reached that goal. Now my husband is the money geek, I am more the free spirit in our budget. Dave Ramsey talks about needing both to balance a family's finical situation:-)
I don't want to ever loose all my money, but I also know I can't take it with me when I die, Maybe because I also know that greed can follow money around like a moth to a light, Money is just one of those things you have to personally ask yourself, "How do I handle it?"

In my finical magazine today I found some helpful ideas for our yearly tax returns,
let me share it, of course these are JUST suggestions;

Are you getting money back?

When it comes to bonus money/tax refunds think smart and be creative.

1. Set a goal and make a bet with yourself, if you reach that goal then that money is just free for FUN, but if you don't reach your goal that money goes straight into an IRA. (YOU can NOT spend it.)

2. Buy a bike or new tennis shoes, even a gym membership could get you out and feeling good. It could even lower your health care costs for the years to come.

3. Start a side business take that hobby you love and use this money to invest in your interest, money makes money.

4. You can just give it all away! For studies show people who focus on generosity are better off then those mired in materialism.

5. Use this money to get all your affairs in order, by hiring someone to make sure your property and money go where YOU want them to go in case of  your untimely death.

6. This is a predictable suggestion, You must get your retirement setup! All your tax refunds could go straight to that investment for the best possible way to use this money for your own peace of mind and future. Start this NOW.

(I also enjoy listening to the finical radio 
program of  Dave Ramsey.)

Old Yeller

When I was 9 years old I watched a movie with my cousins Trina and Cally at our Grandma's house during the summer of 1988. This powerful good movie was called "Old Yeller" Growing up, I didn't watch very much TV unless my father came home from work. I didn't watch very many movies either. So watching "Old Yeller" was entertaining, also very educational for me too. I was extremely sheltered and protected by my mother as she was homeschooling me. If there was a TV show or movie she didn't know anything about she would watch it first then let us kids watch it ONLY if it passed her test. I was happy to just watch "Old Yeller" without her pausing the film in the middle of it's playing asking us viewers "What would God say about this?", "Do you think this is a true message or would God say differently?" It made watching movies with my mother unbearable, even in my young age I knew it was not how most people watched TV or movies. That afternoon with root beer floats in our hands, my 2 cousins and I sat on the living room floor watching this old Walt Disney movie. It was a classic, (I was learning what even THAT word meant.) I was always asking a ton of questions with my cousins around, not only did they seem so normal and aware of things, but they were nice to answering all my questions sometimes they would be surprised I didn't know some very basic things. During the movie I would ask and talk while trying to understand the story. Finally Cally snapped back at me saying "DEE, hush! You asked questions later, the movie is on!" I was glad to be made aware that talking during a movie was rude. I remembered the very first movie I ever saw was "Bambi" I was really little maybe almost 3 years old, It was an outside movie, a drive-in with a big speakers coming through the window of my father's brown ford pickup. I didn't grasp all of the film but I did sense Bambi's mother dying and I cried so much. My mother worried to my father that they scared me to much, but I fell asleep crying only to wake up at the end. While watching "Old Yeller" I cried all over again. It was such a powerful movie for me,  what I enjoyed this time was hugging onto my cousins as we all three cried hard. Grandma sighed saying "Well maybe I should have thought about how girls react emotionally to sad stories." As we sat at the counter on the bar stools in Grandma's kitchen, we sat talking more about the movie and sharing Kleenexes. It was the beginning of my desire to own a dog and have that amazing friendship in my life!

Oooh NUTS!

The summer of 1988 I was just 9 years old and remember how happy I was staying a whole week at my Grandparents home in St. Maries Idaho. Grandma Eva kept chocolate milk in stock as her treat to the grand kids. Papa Rudy was known for his famous Ice Cream donuts that he ordered for us at the local cafe named BUDS. So naturally, I was thrilled to be on my own and watching each day unfold with some kind of sugary treat! Now this was a tough week for my mother who never let me out of her sight before, but I felt instantly relaxed in my own space, St. Maries is a small logging town, during this year in time it was full of my extended family. I was home schooled in a tiny trailer house in Meridian Idaho that didn't allow me much room to move about and in fact we would be punished for stepping onto the street. My longing to connect to people, make an honest friend and just see what was a round the corner from my yard made me feel trapped as a kid. In fact I was so tightly sheltered that I didn't know that most 9 year old girls could read. My answer for most everything was God or "It says so in the bible" (I am sure this may have contributed to not having very many friends at the time. BUT I had to learn from somewhere) That magical week up north with my Father's parents made me feel so free and happy! Papa Rudy ran a hardware store in the middle of town and since he had lived in St. Maries most of his life, he knew almost every customer. I loved helping him open on one summer morning, the fact Papa never stopped waving to people driving by or how he smiled warmly to everyone who past him on the sidewalk. I noticed he would start up conversations with just about anyone. I liked that about Papa! Just how conversation flowed from him in any situation. Papa wore dark rimmed eye glasses with his hat, those "Newsboy hats" but all of us grand kids called them "Papa hats" It would feel weird to address Papa as Grandpa, He was a perfect Papa approachable and kind. In Papa's hardware store, he came to life with stories of his own hardworking carpenter days, of his years of experiences. The customer usually had a string of questions over a home project that never stumped Papa. I watched him as he would nod smile thoughtfully and approach the person wisely not being rude in saying the person did it all wrong. I was fascinated and confused by all things hardware, by this other world Papa Rudy lived in. I was taught never to talk to strangers from my mom and that children can be seen but never heard from my dad. I was amazed when I spoke Papa listened, I was happy to see the world wasn't full of crazy mean scary strangers after all. I felt very safe with Papa. I wanted to stay living in this sunny happy place that Papa created in his thoughtful ways, it truly made me never want to return to my own home. Papa handed me a five dollar bill saying "Can you run down and get me a chocolate bar with nuts?" I was terrified by the very thought I would go alone. I was also VERY proud that Papa thought of me being so "Grown-up" to ask me to do this. He winked as I left saying "Don't forget to get yourself somethin' too" I walked worriedly 3 blocks glancing around thinking that if my mom was there she would be freaking out! I stepped inside the gift shop/soda fountain, since I couldn't read I had to go by memory having been there as a small child for ice cream cones. The shop's name started with an M, that is what I remember. I knew most of my letters on an individual level. "So if I am looking for a chocolate bar what does the wrapper look like?" I asked myself, 
(I know that I will remember THIS DAY for the rest of my life.) I was mumbling to myself out loud as I panicked saying to myself "Papa wants nuts in his candy bar, a chocolate candy bar is this wrapper (I touched the Hersey's all chocolate bar) I need one with nuts, NUTS is word with an N at the first part of the name..right? N, N, N, I can't find an N on any of these candy bars?! What am I going to do?" Almost an hour when by as I did my candy bar research without being able to read, I would hold the bars side by side to compare different looks. I was almost in tears by this time I didn't want to fail Papa by bring him the wrong candy bar, although he would have seen my red puff eyes and not care what candy bar he got. I was all alone as I struggled over what to do in wanting, in really wishing I could read! I finally asked the cashier lady carefully trying to hide the fact I couldn't read. I thought I was being so casual by saying "I was wonderin' if I was to buy a chocolate candy bar WITH NUTS which one would be good?" She no doubt saw right through me, I stood there wide eyed watching her every move. "Well the one you are holding has "Almonds." so that would be a good choice." She replied thoughtfully and I froze, suddenly realizing I had been carrying a round the very candy bar I needed! I had to double check quickly asking "Sooooo.. almonds are like nuts?" She chuckled nodding and I quickly bought the candy bar in my hand. I walked back saying over and over to myself "Almonds are nuts, starting an A, N is for nuts..some nuts have different names..like A, A, A, ALMONDS!" Then I burst into tears when Papa Rudy met me at the door of the hardware shop worried over my being gone so long. I realized just how important reading was and that it was going to be up to me to figure it all out somehow. I paused to take a deep breath after crying, Papa was very gentle just letting me cry he didn't yell at me like my father would have. I was so grateful for that! Then I asked Papa over his register counter "So now what is an Almond?" He chuckled braking a piece of his candy bar off for me. I looked it over and tasted it with a shy smile back at my endearing Grandpa. My mind was relaxing, I had been really hard on myself out of fear for being stupid, Then the words Papa Rudy said were simple calmly stated, "You just start with small words like NUTS until you can learn bigger words like ALMONDS. It takes time but wanting to learn is the first step, You will get there." His warm friendly smile greeted me as I wiped my wet cheeks. I thought about what I had learned that day that "Not all nuts start with the letter N."  

  

Tree City

My husband Tony found a real fresh juice shop right across the street from BSU downtown Boise. Actually next door to Papa Joes in my earlier blog.  Tree City is a great smoothie place full of yummy real fruit, yogurt and all natural ingredients made fresh. I had my first wheat grass shot there last spring, it was at that moment I became a wheat grass fan and find the shots so yummy that even though the body can only use 2 ounces, I crave another double shot...I LOVE the smell of mowed grass so the taste of the wheat grass juice is like stepping out into the earth, right out into the sun light and capturing the freshly mowed grass on your lips! I am transported through taste to another place, a location I don't leave in my mind by the taste of wheat grass. Tree City is a great place to sit and relax in leather chairs or out on the patio. They serve sandwiches and wraps also. It's a very decorative shop of blown glass and mosaic designs. When Tony and I walk in, they know us by name because it just so happens to be on the way up to Tone's office most mornings:-D SO As the weather gets better again, as the grass gets mowed, we will be drinking even more green shots and enjoying a beet apple carrot fresh juice as we see more sunny days of good health!

"Life" a TV series review

In 2007 NBC aired a new drama TV show that only lasted 2 seasons, called LIFE. This was a great new fresh idea for a show, Creatively structure to show each hour drama of a murder not in a gruesome way! Imagine a show that deals with crime that is both interesting and enlightening. The 32 episodes seemed to fly by as I really loved watching this! Mostly because Damian Lewis (Also from Band of Brothers) has a kind face that you would hope to see in a homicide detective. He played a PERFECT Charlie Crews, with his ZEN-like attitude, he could calmly meet Life head on in his job. He was given a second chance after having "Done time" for a crime he never committed. These shows are put together in away where you get to meet the characters through video interviews and their thoughts on the situation with Crews getting out of jail. Even his partner Dani Reese (played by Sarah Shahi), has her doubts if Charlie can do his job right. There are many powerful things about this short drama series (remember only 2 seasons with 32 episodes...sadly) I want to mention the ZEN message of forgiving your enemies, also understanding when to be tough and when to be at peace. That inner heart and soul feeling you get when everything comes together as it should, or you just Feel like you are right where you were meant to be. Those are the parts in this show that I admired the most! For Anyone who can still walk away still being brave and nice after having been hurt or mistreated, makes me smile proudly! I thought of Crews as a hero for his self-improvement and desire to carry the "Fire of good". This show stays connected from episode to episode giving you bits and pieces of the truth, yet I agree that the finale was simply triumphantly perfect! Completely impossible to come back for another season. I think it's good when writers understand this about their shows. The good ending creates a classic, a well thought out plot. Even though I followed every episode I was very happy about how it all came together for closure.

 One day more of you alone
there's everyone but no one to show
that you're more then alive
You're more then alive

Casanova Pizzeria

I am not a big fan of pizza because I grew up on it at all those social events, For pizza was the main choice to feed a group of kids. I thought as I grew older that pizza would disappear from my taste buds all together, THEN I tried the brick oven tasty pizza from Casanova pizzeria. Of course NOW I am hooked! This yummy smokey tasting crust with different toppings are memorable and cozy! I find myself happily sitting in the tiny cafe of Casanova, with sparkling water, pillow bread to dip in olive oil and red wine to share with my hubby. We hardly come home with left overs because that amazing pizza is just that good! Even my brother-in-law had a pizza named after him there because it was our main family choice to meet up. Over the years we have had many birthday dinners there! Everyone agrees it is truly yummy! There is also table just for 2 that I look forward to sharing with Tone especially over my personal favorite choice the Clam, Bacon pizza! With melting mozzarella cheese over the crispy bacon and chewy clams (shown in the picture above)...my mouth waters just talking about it! We sit in this very popular place usually relaxing, or talking about trying to make pizza like this at home. It is that smokey wood taste that brought me back to liking pizza again. Okay now I need to go order one for dinner tonight with all this talking about it:-D

"Saving Grace" a TV series review

So pretty and, oh, so bold
Got a heart full of gold on 
a lonely road,
She said, "I don't even think that God can save me" (save me)

The drama show of "Saving Grace" was actually one of my most favorite TV shows for awhile as I loved all 3 seasons completely! The show was first popular 2007 to 2010 starring Holly Hunter. The woman is so dynamic and real, that you can't help but adore her. Even in her sloppy messy home of her self-destructing ways, she shows both bravery and fear in one capture look that soon the story rolls out the crime fighting plots with little connections, even funny references to God and biblical stories. Although this show is full of dramatic action, sexual situations and well most shocking things life can offer up. I was surprised in the very first episode I felt tears slid down my cheeks as I put my hands up in the air stating "I'm hook! This is my newest loved show!" If I could summon my very own angel who spits tobacco and laughs so warmly then I am in! It was even fun to watch how my husband started out making fun of the show then soon became a faithful follower too. Even some nights after watching a particularly powerful episode we would sit discussing it for awhile. My husband said "Grace is kinda like you, although not dirty, not promiscuous, and not drunk all the time like her but she has your bravery." I chuckled in reply "I was hoping you would say I am like the angel Earl, I want to wear funny T-shirts while traveling around the world in a day!" 
It was true my most favorite of all the characters on this show (Besides Gus, but that's just an automatic given) Was Earl the magically powerful, wisely happy, peaceful leader, sweet listener and loyal friend named Earl. 


(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me

Now I am not going to say any spoilers, it may not be a show for everyone, but I truly enjoyed it. I think the spiritual world is fascinating, it would be comforting to have an angel like Leon Rippy watching out for me....and whose to really know away? Perhaps that is why I liked this drama series so much, like the unknown things about God coming to say "Hello" as a Dog or how we are all connected to each other. I think this TV show did a great job in capturing your attention, even sharing your emotions and Yyyyes...I braid my hair in all those different ways because of Holly Hunter who played a very real struggling woman named Grace.

Table Rock Brew Pub

Everyone needs to have their own place like the popular TV show "Cheers", For at the end of a busy work day you can slid onto a bar stool while ordering  up a frothy cold beer with your friends! 

THIS kind of place for us is called

Table Rock Brew Pub. They have so many great choices of beers, really big yummy salads and great patio seating. I used to crave the brie cheese burger and crispy battered fries. Now I choose to try everything on the menu slowly as we continued to enjoy hanging out at this place. Over the years we would meet up with Tony's father once a week back when he just worked right across the street. It is fun to relax in a place they remember you, and one young man who would serve us loved participating in "Seinfeld" trivia. We would always try to stump the other over famous lines and episodes. I think what I loved the most about these gatherings was just catching up on everyone's week and life. Of laughing to together over refills and a shared nacho platter. Table Rock is actually the name of the small mountain over looking the Treasure valley and Boise. It hold a lighted cross glowing every night out over what Tony would say "This is God's Country, nothing really happens here in way of natural disasters." When I was a child seeing that bright cross made me feel lucky to have noticed it, over the years it's been a place for many prayer circles and beautiful valley pictures captured. The Pub downtown is located across the street from the Historical museum, the park and the river. I have often walked my dog all over that fun place then crashed happily on the patio of Table Rock where my husband had been waiting for me to return. Soon my dog is napping my lap as I chat away over cheese bread bites. The many memories we have gathered and enjoyed makes Table Rock endearing to us, Makes me know that when we come back to visit we will happily look forward to returning to our own "Cheers" like place even though by then no one might know our names:-}

The Flying M

My husband Tony and I spent our first day married hanging out downtown Boise. In this hippy fun coffee shop called The Flying M. Tony got his favorite beverage an orange mocha and I enjoyed my caramel latte. We sat there all morning and well actually ALL day...We ended up drinking refills and eating all kinds of goodies. I shopped happily in the small gift shop locate inside the coffee shop. Our table for two was brightly lit from the summer sunshine. I truly loved those hours of catching up with my husband over the busy day before of our ceremony, we hardly saw each other over the whole last week, even in our wedding we had different places to be mostly. Tony sighed happily "Thank God, that's over! Why do people get married like that if it's such a big job? All that work to create a memory for a life time especially when it's so stressful to setup?" I laughed as I crossed my legs in my floral summer skirt and sun hat. I loved being married even though it was just the very first day, I replied "Your mom was right, it's a party for our friends more then for ourselves. I don't even remember it all as much as I wish I did! I like to re-cap and organize my memories so I don't forget them...BUT wow I am sooooo wiped out! What a long busy day" The calming time in the coffee shop was timeless, with us sitting and laughing while we talking deeply about everything we saw in our lives and in ourselves. Tony shook his head as I told him about all the misunderstandings with my bridesmaids or how I didn't know about all that catty girlie stuff being said behind my back. I was starting to learn not everyone thought about things like I did. I was even more glad the wedding was over because I was simplifying my life, wanting to just relax, to create a peaceful mind and heart. Tony commented "I wonder why everyone says the day they got married was the happiest day of their lives? I can think of happier things to do then get married with such a big crowd  of people around?" I nodded thoughtfully my husband didn't like crowds yet we balanced each other out in the social world. "I think people often say that, because they feel it should be the best day of their lives. It's romantic to say so....weddings are like fairy tale moments we all want to think life is forever happily ever after." Tony smiled then said "So did we buy into a system? an expectation to look good in front of people with a ceremony? We could have saved so much money just eloping." He sighed, I giggled because Tony often wondered what was the hidden reason for things. I couldn't help but reply "Oh now you sound like my sister....I did this wedding for the memories, for the part we have in society to share this new life married with all our family and friends. I also did this for me, with those vibrant colors and candles because I believe we are telling the whole world that the other person is the most important person in our lives and we want to stay committed to each other for life....Maybe it is a part of society's rules or guidelines, maybe it all comes from an organized religion. I just know that I am proud of my marriage statement to those around me and that YOU are my beloved husband forever!" Tony chuckled at my theatrics, he nodded and said "Well that makes sense then, I still think we should have eloped." I laughed again, it was really comfortable to say to someone that my husband was sitting over there, and let everyone know he was that important to me. Tony and I sat discussing what we each thought was important to us about our wedding and what we would have changed. Then Tony looked me straight in the eye as he asked, "Promise me, we WON'T do this again like a 10 year re-cap, renewal of our vows so something like that...okay?" I snorted on my beverage as I let myself truly laugh at his hidden worries, "Are You kidding me?! Who does that?!" Tony shrugged as he leaned back in his comfy chair surrounded by the noise of that coffee shop "I don't know...I am just saying it now so you aren't disappointed, some women do setup a second wedding years later." I shook my head giggling as I thought how crazy/stressful that would be. "Hell no! I meant it when I said "I DO" yesterday, It's for life, I am never doing ALL that again!" Tony laughed now as he rolled his eyes replying "There you go again, for You LOVE stating absolutes." I nodded proudly lifting my chin "Because I know myself." He relaxed as he was realizing we were not repeating wedding ceremonies ever in our future. "Well good then, I just know that I wouldn't want to be displayed in front of all those people again." We held hands as we sat there wondering about our future, we felt like we would never run out of something to talk about as we realized towards the end of the afternoon that we only had 5 buck in our pocket until the next paycheck, then we laughed again at how we could only go up from here. Suddenly inspired I sang one of my favorite songs to Tony "Even though we ain't got money...I'm so in love with ya Honey! and everything will bring a chain of love,
and in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything is gonna be alright." right then and there in the Flying M coffee shop. I will always remember how Tony laughed proudly shaking his head thinking only I was this crazy to sing out loud happily and let our marriage begin!

It's a Nice day for a White Wedding

We got married on Saturday afternoon, July 5, 2003 4 years exactly from the day when I asked Tony out to dinner and he drove all the way out to my home on a dying struggling orchard farm. I didn't think that event would alter my life completely, but when I took his hand in mine while we peacefully watched a movie in a crowded theater that same evening. Our hearts stop together at that first touch, for we realized we belonged. Although those 4 years were like a roller coaster ride, full of questions, emotions, anger, sadness and laughter. Full of love and friendship, of understanding compassion, capturing the comedy and the caring joys for our future! We also had my family drama and stress, births and deaths, his parents divorce and new setups. We seemed to be living through a changing world so quickly moving us along until finally I took a deep breath in my soft white wedding dress, and then I stood completely still. I had grown out of my other life, out of my maiden name. It was time I left my childhood behind, all those controlling fears. I moved around the mirror looking like a snow flake, for everyone had gone out into the ceremony of this cute small country church...It was at this moment I calmed my mind only to realize I was completely alone! Then it hit me, "Oh no! I can't breath!"  my mind twirled around the room. Suddenly my corset felt like it was tightening around my chest so I couldn't find any fresh air! I realized just then that there was a reason why Brides kept someone on their arm at all times through out the wedding, to help them not face stage fight alone! "What would my father say if he was standing here with me right now?" I asked myself out of the blue, out of my panic and pause in this busy day. Then I chuckled realizing that He HATED people who Panicked, people who wore their emotions on their sleeves...PEOPLE like ME. He wasn't there to walk beside me by his own choice, or maybe it was mine? Maybe I felt relief to not hear him growl "DRY IT UP!" or maybe he would just roll his eyes and snort as I teared up in my beautiful grown. "I can't breath! I can't go out there in front of all those people!"  I whispered into the mirror of myself. Then I took that moment to quickly picture my father angry at me for showing this kind of emotion. He would have been livid at this moment in my life for suddenly feeling so shy! I sighed again annoyed that I had just thought of my father. HE wasn't going to ruin or control this day for me, since he isn't standing next to me saying "Don't loose control, keep it together, NO daughter of mine will EVER panic, will EVER loose it...DO YOU HEAR ME?!" Those were always his famous wise words. I whispered back into the mirror with a sad smile "I hear Ya Dad."   Then as fast as those thoughts came over me, I lifted my chin proudly while telling myself over and over again "Don't miss someone, who never cared."   I felt brave again with my own smile, with my own honesty of how this day wouldn't end with me embarrassed to be in the spotlight of everyone's attention, So really I never thought of my father or my parents again for the rest of that beautiful day, after that mirror conversation with myself, I was free from them to just live in my own way! I was all alone waiting for my Que to enter the ceremony when my friend John took my shaking hands into his in that church hallway, "Girl, you are visually shaking!" He held on leaning into me just as his boyfriend Mark walked up putting his arm around my shoulders, together they were balancing me and calming me down. I whispered to them "I don't know why...but it all just hit me! Everyone will be LOOKING at me! I can't do this, I mean how can I do this???" They chuckled together giving each other the understanding nods, I thought they were simply the cutest couple. It was nice to have such thoughtful friends, they leaned in together on each side of my head to whisper "Listen to me, Debby darling." Mark was older by several years, he usually kept to himself saying people made him nervous (except me) He thoughtfully said at that moment "YOU are beautiful, you are the sweetest person I have ever met and you have so much to be proud of! You are magical!" I giggled and felt my hands stop shaking, I guess the pep talk was helping. John and I had been good friends through my roommates over last couple of years, he was as theatrical and dramatic as anyone I had ever met, He could always make me laugh! They both knew how to calm me down as I waited to take center stage to my wedding ceremony. John suddenly said with his smirking grin "Where is my kick ass Debby girl? The one who said "This is my wedding, my colors and I will NOT change it for ANYONE!" John's mimicking of me made me start giggling, He continued with his flare "For that girl, Oh no now, she isn't afraid of shit!!" He winked at me then took hold of his boyfriend's hand as I faced the double doors in a second I would be entering, John continued on  "Oh sweet lady!  you are beautiful! You are the queen of this day! JUST like one of those fairies you are always talk about." I chuckled now having to catch a big loud laugh that wanted to escape me, whenever someone remembered the things I said I would be taken by surprise! When John and Mark let go of me at the Que those doors opened I was so ready! I was pumped up with confidence! I was truly happy!!  For on this day I was marrying my very best friend! Tony was waiting on stage in our love seat, so when I sat next to him, he instantly kissed me! Everyone laughed and I knew he felt just like me in having that spotlight directly on us was a bit scary, and unknown. So if he could melt into me with his kisses he was safe again. I carried with me the encouraging words of my friends, of the encouraging fact I was a fairy for the day! Suddenly all things bright and beautiful flooded my life and I never looked back at that dressing room mirror ever again!