It's a Nice day for a White Wedding

We got married on Saturday afternoon, July 5, 2003 4 years exactly from the day when I asked Tony out to dinner and he drove all the way out to my home on a dying struggling orchard farm. I didn't think that event would alter my life completely, but when I took his hand in mine while we peacefully watched a movie in a crowded theater that same evening. Our hearts stop together at that first touch, for we realized we belonged. Although those 4 years were like a roller coaster ride, full of questions, emotions, anger, sadness and laughter. Full of love and friendship, of understanding compassion, capturing the comedy and the caring joys for our future! We also had my family drama and stress, births and deaths, his parents divorce and new setups. We seemed to be living through a changing world so quickly moving us along until finally I took a deep breath in my soft white wedding dress, and then I stood completely still. I had grown out of my other life, out of my maiden name. It was time I left my childhood behind, all those controlling fears. I moved around the mirror looking like a snow flake, for everyone had gone out into the ceremony of this cute small country church...It was at this moment I calmed my mind only to realize I was completely alone! Then it hit me, "Oh no! I can't breath!"  my mind twirled around the room. Suddenly my corset felt like it was tightening around my chest so I couldn't find any fresh air! I realized just then that there was a reason why Brides kept someone on their arm at all times through out the wedding, to help them not face stage fight alone! "What would my father say if he was standing here with me right now?" I asked myself out of the blue, out of my panic and pause in this busy day. Then I chuckled realizing that He HATED people who Panicked, people who wore their emotions on their sleeves...PEOPLE like ME. He wasn't there to walk beside me by his own choice, or maybe it was mine? Maybe I felt relief to not hear him growl "DRY IT UP!" or maybe he would just roll his eyes and snort as I teared up in my beautiful grown. "I can't breath! I can't go out there in front of all those people!"  I whispered into the mirror of myself. Then I took that moment to quickly picture my father angry at me for showing this kind of emotion. He would have been livid at this moment in my life for suddenly feeling so shy! I sighed again annoyed that I had just thought of my father. HE wasn't going to ruin or control this day for me, since he isn't standing next to me saying "Don't loose control, keep it together, NO daughter of mine will EVER panic, will EVER loose it...DO YOU HEAR ME?!" Those were always his famous wise words. I whispered back into the mirror with a sad smile "I hear Ya Dad."   Then as fast as those thoughts came over me, I lifted my chin proudly while telling myself over and over again "Don't miss someone, who never cared."   I felt brave again with my own smile, with my own honesty of how this day wouldn't end with me embarrassed to be in the spotlight of everyone's attention, So really I never thought of my father or my parents again for the rest of that beautiful day, after that mirror conversation with myself, I was free from them to just live in my own way! I was all alone waiting for my Que to enter the ceremony when my friend John took my shaking hands into his in that church hallway, "Girl, you are visually shaking!" He held on leaning into me just as his boyfriend Mark walked up putting his arm around my shoulders, together they were balancing me and calming me down. I whispered to them "I don't know why...but it all just hit me! Everyone will be LOOKING at me! I can't do this, I mean how can I do this???" They chuckled together giving each other the understanding nods, I thought they were simply the cutest couple. It was nice to have such thoughtful friends, they leaned in together on each side of my head to whisper "Listen to me, Debby darling." Mark was older by several years, he usually kept to himself saying people made him nervous (except me) He thoughtfully said at that moment "YOU are beautiful, you are the sweetest person I have ever met and you have so much to be proud of! You are magical!" I giggled and felt my hands stop shaking, I guess the pep talk was helping. John and I had been good friends through my roommates over last couple of years, he was as theatrical and dramatic as anyone I had ever met, He could always make me laugh! They both knew how to calm me down as I waited to take center stage to my wedding ceremony. John suddenly said with his smirking grin "Where is my kick ass Debby girl? The one who said "This is my wedding, my colors and I will NOT change it for ANYONE!" John's mimicking of me made me start giggling, He continued with his flare "For that girl, Oh no now, she isn't afraid of shit!!" He winked at me then took hold of his boyfriend's hand as I faced the double doors in a second I would be entering, John continued on  "Oh sweet lady!  you are beautiful! You are the queen of this day! JUST like one of those fairies you are always talk about." I chuckled now having to catch a big loud laugh that wanted to escape me, whenever someone remembered the things I said I would be taken by surprise! When John and Mark let go of me at the Que those doors opened I was so ready! I was pumped up with confidence! I was truly happy!!  For on this day I was marrying my very best friend! Tony was waiting on stage in our love seat, so when I sat next to him, he instantly kissed me! Everyone laughed and I knew he felt just like me in having that spotlight directly on us was a bit scary, and unknown. So if he could melt into me with his kisses he was safe again. I carried with me the encouraging words of my friends, of the encouraging fact I was a fairy for the day! Suddenly all things bright and beautiful flooded my life and I never looked back at that dressing room mirror ever again!