I was surprised by my sudden anger, how it rolled up out of me like a thunder storm, My future husband Tony said it came from deep down inside of me after years growing up never knowing how to control or direct my anger in a healthy way. I was also amazed at how hard it was for me to say those simple words "I'm Sorry." While I dated Tony over 4 years he pointed this out right away, now I knew I should be able to just tell the ones I love when I AM sorry if I hurt them! But I was so stubborn in never wanting be wrong. When my anger flooded me the first time that I actually noticed....I was living on my own and I didn't keep it guarded since no one was around, as I threw something against the wall, I screamed. THAT was the first moment I stood crying afterwords as pieces of a broken dish laid on the floor, while I said to myself out loud "What is wrong with me? Why would I do that?!" My anger had boiled up like a tea pot screeching loudly then cooling down shortly after, as I realized it was so silly to feel that trapped, that helpless and really THAT mad....I also think in living on my own I was free to express myself in this way, maybe because no one was around to judge or get in the way of my out burst. Well...some people were in the way at times. One night my best friend and my boyfriend were laughing about how nice spring break was, how nice it was to be free to do whatever they wanted in this week and I boiled over. Maybe I felt left out or maybe I felt like no one cared about the stress I had over my job, over the fact that I never got any sleep. I was thinking in myself that I hated everything! I felt myself holding back my true feelings until suddenly I demand they both to leave my place right then, I was enraged. I hated myself for doing this even as the words spilled out, I realized they were shocked by my reaction I had to flee slamming my own door just as hard as my father did time and again in my own childhood memories. Did my own father feel this way? Trapped, under paid/over worked and pure sad then so mad? I wondered as I burst into tears more mad at myself now by my uncontrolled behavior. I was truly embarrassed for screaming at the people I loved like Tony and Joanie the most, I was going to try to avoid dealing with that aftermath, I was just going to cool down and move on, just keep working all the time to avoid even being alone with my self. YET in my life I had a man named TONY, he wouldn't let me self-destruct no matter how much I wanted. Calmly, early the next morning after I had my emotional melt down and challenged myself to figure out what was wrong. Tony called me on the phone as I drove to work, he was saying how he loved me more then I even loved myself. He wanted me to understand that if I didn't apologize to my best friend Joanie, she wasn't going to be my friend anymore because she didn't like being yelled at like I had. I was amazed that my man stood by me even when I didn't stand by my own self! I will never forget his calming sweet voice when he said "Debby you need to know how important this is, I knew it was just a matter of time when you would brake down...BUT you need to say "I'm sorry" to your friend to fix her attitude towards you. Most importantly though I want you say that to yourself."
I chuckled while I wiped tears of shame from my face. Tony always brought me back to life and grounded me when all I wanted was to flee. "MYSELF? why to myself?" I asked him as he paused then quietly he replied "Because YOU have to live with yourself everyday and if loosing your temper makes you feel so embarrassed and ashamed then it will eat you up in the end. You must realize how this happened, why and what you can do to fix it, so you heal and grow in the future a better person." I listened bewildered and even more in love with Tony, (Would I be so understanding to him? if he yelled at me....actually I would just yell back instantly not worrying over if he scared me or not). Tony saw the real person I was and how I guarded myself thinking I was tough. He never gave up on me, he was there even in this moment in my life where I was finally forced to face my anger, learn to control and respect it. Through his advice I quickly found my voice to say how sorry I was to loose my temper to my best friend and she warned me to never do that again. I was amazed that I told her "I'm so sorry." and I didn't die, didn't wrinkle up like an old lady nor was I a slave to anyone just by admitting I was wrong, I felt bad, I wanted to be a better person now. Soon I would warn others around me if I felt like I was going to explode, my husband Tony stayed right by my side reminding me how I can control my emotions, how I can dig down deep to ask myself "Why do I feel this heated suddenly? Where does it come from? How to I master it so it won't control me?" Now I know I am never going to be a perfect person without anger or fault. I am just going to be more honest with myself. I need to deal with something within me right now to conclude how to handle these negative feelings or emotions that can explode. I am not alone, when the ones I love are around I don't ever want to hurt them or make them scared as I see pieces of me from my past left behind. It really comes down to the story we tell ourselves about who we are and why we are on this earth. I wasn't born to slam doors and yell loudly, instead I received compassion and everlasting love. That same love I can give back to this world, I can see a better place where all this anger melts away,...It's in our hearts.
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