60 years old

Today is my father's birthday. He turns 60 years old and I have been thinking about him all week. As much as he and I have battled or disagreed, my father and I are very much alike. Maybe more then he even realizes....Of course no one ever said that while I was growing up. In fact my mom often said I didn't fit in at all, it was odd for me to wonder which parent I was alike. While my brother Derek was identically like our mother (this was something Mom pointed out proudly) My sister Dana was identical to our father so naturally I was left feeling like the "Ugly Duckling". As I grew older the more I saw certain things about myself I noticed how it came from my mom and my dad. All those good and bad things that I took with me from that short time they watched over me, made me thoughtful towards their humanity. I have come to peace with the fact they walked away from me so easily, because I grew up knowing I didn't belong completely, I didn't trust that they ever "had my back" if I messed up, having that understanding made it possible for me to survive the unknown world. As a passionate adult, I have learned who I am and where I belong after all. I also understand that I will never ever disown or leave someone abandon, in fact I am not afraid of rejection or having someone walk away from me never wanting to see me again. Of course it's not a good feeling when THAT happens, I have a clear understanding that in the end I will be just fine. So really all of this has made me a stronger person, I DO forgive my parents because forgiveness is pure freedom, my freedom comes from being simply ME. I admire my Father he has lived 6 decades now, he is wiser and older knowing better how to lead, guide and be honest in himself, At least THAT is what I hope for him anyway, actually knowing my father would be a great journey, surely there are layers to him that haven't been shared. And I won't put him in a box, I won't give him a description that limits his ability to change. Like for example; when we see a crying baby and say "Stop being such a cry baby!" then that baby grows to being a kid and we are still saying "Stop being such a cry baby." It becomes frustrating to the kid who isn't a baby anymore but everyone still treats 'em as such. That is what "Boxed In" means to me....When I was a bossy 10 year old, a know-it-all teenager or a cynical 22 year old, I would meet people who made up their mind that I was ALWAYS going to be just like that. My mom would comment reminding me"You use to be so rude when you were 10..." Like that fact makes my being nice or polite now as a 30 year old not legit. How can we as humans connect to each other if we just assume someone is always going to stay the same way forever? Over time, over years and the ALL ages we evolve into new levels of thinking, learning and seeking a better quality of life, it's important to give each other that opportunity to grow, to learn and to share. Perhaps, my father has changed, has grown, being 60 years old, I wonder what he thinks and what he knows. How he feels and what he likes about his life. I hope that he loves his gray hair and wrinkles, that his time now is calmly wise and hopeful for his remaining future. I honestly really hope he can share more of himself without fear, without doubt, That the stories he tells himself are one of great hope and joy. I know that my day will come when I turn 60, I look forward to it greatly and with admiration of the importance for every generation needs each other. 
I truly love my father, now every time I see him, I don't have  the feeling like he thinks I am ridiculously emotional, so telling him that I love him is easier. He may be prideful, stubborn and unsure how to look me in the eye at times...BUT that is why I was born to him, I have arrived to change the story! For life is WAY to short to live on a battle field, to keep a stiff chin and to walk all alone with that distance....
Happy Birthday to my Father Delbert! May he realize he is loved!

My sister was nursing her baby girl as she said "Dad is coming." I spun around to look at her while I had been setting up my big family picnic in the park, I smiled happily "Really!!?!! That is GREAT!" I hadn't actually seen my father in 3 years. This was late summer 2006 and I continued to decorate my picnic place happily thinking of how I had missed my father...My husband Tony and I were giving a party for our families. We invited even my side of the family for a rare gathering. It had been a stressful summer so we wanted to let our loved ones know just how much we appreciated them. Tony was visiting his own dad and brother by the BBQ of hamburgers, when I felt my heart stop and I wanted to run out jumping up on my father as he arrived. BUT I  also knew he never liked my theatrical nature, so instead I waved greeting him, offering beverages and watching as Tony shook my father's hand, then my husband whispered "Wow your father actually CAME?" We were all happy to see him, (when my father is social he blends right in with laughter and stories.) It was an afternoon I would never forget, while my mother carried around her granddaughter, my little brothers played soccer with Tony's cousins, while my sister fixed her plate next to Tony's Aunt Janet. I stood back taking it all in because anyone who know me will tell ya, that I LOVE family more then anything in the whole world!!! It was the very first moment when Tony had his parents with their spouses and my parents all there together for a BBQ. When Tony catch my eye he winked. He wasn't so sure at first that this setup was going to be good, but afterwords, he was happily surprised at how well the event went. My sister said "Dad loved your fruit salad, he went back again and ya know how he isn't one for noticing food." I laughed out loud and half hugged my sister because she had always kept me aware and connected to our parents over those years. The sun was shinning brightly as my father left saying "Thanks for the yummy BBQ, but I have to get back to the job sight." I nodded smiling watching my father leave, a man I never really knew........