Tuesday, November 15, 2011
It is going to be an adjusting period, maybe months, maybe years for me to get use to these changes in my life with my mother now after her stroke. I have been trying to process everything in the best way but I simply just brake down and cry in random moments in my day with her always on my mind. I have days of clarity and hope, then I have a day of such helpless overwhelming sadness. I can't imagine how my mother feels day to day as well! This is the hardest for her as she has always been able to care for everyone else in her life. Now everything is different, If I keep the focus on this grace and compassion then my mother in any moment she shares I love on her more but I have to have that same out look for the rest of my family when we get mad at each other or challenge each situation. For this is ALL so new to EVERYONE, we are all learning together. I hope I can heal more then brake down, I hope I can fix more then fight, I hope I figure out what I can help to do. This is adjusting and I hope I can, In fact I will seek out caring a New hope with me when I start to get worried or sad. My mother said she is really glad to be home, she just wants to get back to doing the things like she use to. I advised her that is why she is working so hard in her therapies to get back to that kind of independence again. I need to give myself time to heal, knowing if I am strong she can be too! When I hit up against my father or sister because I am so different from them, because I challenge them even if I wasn't trying to....when my brothers chew me out or go crazy on me I need to step back from the scene I am not helping by being there. Not until we all go through this adjustment, and give each other the respectful space each of us need. I will always love first then ask questions later. When I take things personal I honestly feel like I am going to go crazy, I need to remember this such a big change for everyone not just my mother. I am going to give peace my main focus, I hope to let everyone react the way they will as we adjust with peaceful freedom. If I can figure out how to get such peace inside my own soul, then I won't have this personal battle over the help I want to give! I have lived my life with the idea that hug heals everything and the more open, the more honest and real I am the safer people around me will feel. Perhaps with some people it does work, but it is good for me to learn other ways to live, to adjust.