It hurts like hell to wake up each morning, I have a heavy chest and eyes full of tears. I know these emotions very well by now, I am in pain and at peace at the very same second I awake.
I miss her so much, she was the first dog in my eyes, in my arms I would hold her and carry her around as I wake up, she would dance around seeing Oscar and they go outside together. In the last month I have left the sliding glass door open each and every morning into mid-day where they loved to run in and out together, then Sidda would nap on the patio in the direct sun shine. I would drink my coffee out there with her in my lap or I would get all my chores done with her looking in under the golden sun. I am glad we had such happiness in her last days alive.
It's hard to not keep looking for her in everything, it's quiet and it's odd....
She wasn't a noisy dog at all but she did have demands with her snorts and grunts and occasional bark. Her dancing and her wiggling all over for attention leaves us feeling like we are missing something we should for her now that just Oscar walks around looking for her. He bends down into all her small beds through out home and my husband struggles in seeing such a clear cut display of loss in Oscar's face.
We were once a full house of dogs and cats, we were so perfectly busy and yet so perfectly peaceful.
We came home last Friday afternoon dazed and sad, Sidda's rush to the emergency vet took a turn for the worse after her tests came back in full red ink. My heart sunk into her the moment the vet looked at us in a voice of caring "I don't mean to be insensitive but looks like we have only 2 options here...." I held her under my chin and kissed her head, knowing this is it.
We will never keep a dog on life support, we will never put them through hell just to live another year.....We have always known this. Dogs are the lucky ones who can be put to sleep with no more pain when it all goes to shit.....It's the right thing to do.
In my arms I held her for the last time, in my heart I have longed for her this week......grief takes it's time I am in no rush to heal, I understand exactly everything I am going through.
Oscar and I talk now together about everything we have been though, he's devoted to me as equal to the first day I brought him home almost 13 years ago. He loved his little Sidda far more then any other pet in our home, he'll be looking for her as he cuddles close to me....for it's only been a week.
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