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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Letting Go

I could hear the beeping in the ICU as my mother laid in her bed, it was my shift to be with her (Not that I knew what my shift really was, it can be a very stressful time having someone you love in the ICU, so I just did what I was told not questioning the long term effects living on that level of stressful schedule could do to a person) Maybe it was just that my mother and I were together alone or maybe it was because she was in so much pain, deep pain really...with half her head shaved and skull removed. She laid there looking at me as my silent tears flooded my neckline of my shirt, I have poured my heart and soul out to this woman when she went into a sudden coma and now a few days after that emergency surgery I wished I could take all her pain away. Her eyes, those beautiful blue-green eyes were closed then open then closed as she said "Debby." I was leaning down real close to her face usually kissing her soft cheeks. She also spoke in whispers, faintly and with difficultity. "Yeah Momma?" I asked feeling a sudden bolt of lighting full of fear, maybe because it was the ICU everything is just naturally scary there. But I smiled calmly into her good side of sight, if I am afraid she will NEVER know it. "Debby, the boys need help, need love." That sentence was slow in coming but I chuckled as I whispered back to her open eyes "of course, they will always have both from me Momma." I sighed thinking that was not as scary as I first felt it was going to be. But Mom's eyes closed as she sighed loudly saying the words that froze me in place "I am going to give up." a new fountain of freshly warm tears flooded me quietly, as I nodded in agreement because I knew she was in just so much pain! She opened her eyes at me as I said "I know, I know, Momma please don't go, please fight for us a little longer....We would miss you so much!" She half smiled and slowly repeated "I'm letting go now." I nodded again saying nothing. I knew in my heart what she was telling me. I didn't want to really think over those words. Now a couple of hours later when I was gone from the hospital she went code blue, even gone for 5 minuets....I believe my mother did want to go to heaven. She has believed her whole life that Heaven is out there waiting for her...So I wish for her the very best journey there! But in that very personal time with her, I think she was in so much pain that she wanted to see the next level of life and be rescued from pain. I didn't tell my father who came in shortly after her letting go words to me, basically because he and I were in a personal struggle already. As a resault I have thought long and hard about what it means to die...I think when the soul wants to let go of the body it can choose to do that. I like to assume my mother meant she will no longer live with fear, with regret or with grudges. I choose to believe that my mother died that day after she told me she was going who she is as she lives and relearns her life back, is a new person ready to be better then her life time before! She is still my Momma only she has seen the light at the end of the tunnel, so she can live now not afraid anymore! AND I am so very proud of her no matter what!

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