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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drivers Ed.

I was Seventeen years old when I got my driver's license. I was completely terrified! I knew it was time for me to learn how but I wasn't in a hurry. I took my very first drive with Allen Bonnell my dear old friend who I cleaned house for every week. He was calm and taught me how to feel where those 4 wheels were. I remember how I was shaking so much that I couldn't even breath, he was told me that I was in control more then I realized. When my actual Drivers ED class time came I realized also that it was the first time in my life I had ever sat in a school classroom! I was thinking about how clumsy and stupid I was among a group of younger teens in class. That when driving I would cause an accident in no time! I had heard the stories of that crazy place called "PUBLIC SCHOOL" Now I was actually THERE learning how to drive. My sister Dana drove with no fear, she took behind the wheel like just another tractor ride on the farm. My problem driving was that I said "I'M SORRY, so sorry I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, ooops! sorry." I said "I am sorry" about a hundred times just in my first setting until the driving instructor shouted "STOP saying you are sorry! just DO IT RIGHT!" I would then burst into tears and my other home schooled friend Leah would pat me on the shoulder as I tried to stop crying. The 3 of us girls, Dana, Leah and I were sharing the car time of  learning how to drive. It was good to have each other there to know we weren't alone. I also never had taken a test before, so the written exam was surprisingly so stressful for me because I never knew that kind of pressure, that kind of fear in failing in a time limit.
"YOU DRIVE LIKE AN OLD LADY!" Dana exclaimed at me as I waited a bit longer at the stop sign trying to breath, trying to not cry as I was being forced to drive. Our mother sat in the passenger side "She NEEDS to learn how to drive more." Mom said back at Dana as they were both watching me slowly brake up to stop sign. "Good grief! it's a 20 minuet drive! This is turning into an hour!" I giggled with nerviness as my sister sat in the back seat impatiently. I usually sat back there very relieved to NOT be driving as Dana usually took over the wheel confidently. Now Mom made us change places so she could watch me drive. I was still panicked that my hands were still shaking, I knew how easily an accident could happen and if it was because of my own stupidity that someone actually die then I knew I couldn't live with myself. I thought IF something like that happened I know I would NEVER drive again without hesitation. My mind was racing with all the "What IF...?" as I drove down that wide open country road. I asked not taking my huge frighten eyes from the approaching road "Can Dana drive back?" my voice was pleading as Mom shook her head "Nope, YOU need to drive Debby! You can't hide in the back forever." Dana mumbled "Why would you want to?" I felt myself moving forward on the road, taking everything in around me as I pushed more onto the gas. I sensed in myself this desire to not be afraid anymore, I needed to know how to face this uncertainty that comes from driving. This deep fear that I am not good enough to be trusted behind the wheel. I took a deep strong breath as I felt that engine rolling on while I began to realized that I called the shots. This car couldn't do anything without my say so. 
I was learning of a thing called Bravery.

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