MERRY CHRISTMAS a day late....I slept most of my life away yesterday, caught somewhere between holiday happiness and a growing sense of this year's huge lost. The 26th of each month will sometimes go right on by without me being the wiser! Yet today 6 months ago, I went through a dark tunnel of death and separation that would never again allow me to see my best friend, I can still feel that high pitch scream from my throat and never forget the sudden pain in my chest. Those hot heavy tears and my hitting the steering wheel with both hands then gripping on until they turned white...I surrendered to crying and that sorrow of which I had never ever known before!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well. I have always been a firm believer in feeling all things as they befall me, no denying or hiding the facts of what these very important and very real human emotions are suppose to teach me or help me....that being said I also know I can't live forever in grief as well, I have to take these events in my "suitcase" called LIFE and live along side all that has hurt me, all that has comforted me and all that has YET to be packed up with the rest of me. This is the year of rest for my own soul, of not chasing every holiday tradition and not wrapping every gift. No real cards or letters sent, no real goodies baked and slowly I move about my time wondering if in these next 6 months I will be even more wiser?.....Hopefully less sad but again that's not in my control like with so many other things I have learned since June 26th, I am NOT the story teller or writer of my own life, because if I was then I would still be sitting at the top of Camel's back park over looking the valley below as spring began to set things into green again I would still be there with my arms wide open saying "I love you beautiful world!" So I know I can't make time stand still for that moment earlier this year, I can't write happy endings for everyone I love and maybe even most humbling of all is now I know what season's grieving is instead.....
When we speak we have the power to change any story,
When my husband says "Speak!" My dog Oscar barks instantly and my husband just laughs like he never heard the dog bark before! When I think about it communication is key to understanding those around us, and sometimes I want to command "Speak!" to actual people too!
Why be so afraid of speaking? Even one word answers can be helpful for me in listening and trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. I have a very very quiet cousin who hardly speaks unless in that good carefree mood. I let him just be, I don't feel like chatter has to always be happening but when asked what his thoughts are on something the quietness or unsure responses makes me a bit bewildered as I realize if he was from the other side of my family where we all shout out to be heard then he would never of survived! To speak is to take ownership for your own thoughts and emotions without fear! We are all thinking even when we are not speaking, comfortable peaceful silence or self reflecting moments go hand in hand with speaking wisely, sharing willingly about who you are. I have learned so much in my life from speaking up, and I get so delighted when others speak up too! In fact I have noticed that I'm drawn to the same kind of people who like to share and are not afraid to speak their mind! My life is always full of such interesting topics, clever people and endless stories to share that it simply is impossible for me to not find other like minded people! Words either written down or pronounced have such a poetic feel, like they came straight out of our hearts for the rest of the world to understand better.....without speaking how would we ever know what the other person was thinking or feeling? Communication with all it's many levels helps bring us out of our own selfish world and we could NOT connect to another being without it! So be smart, sweet, soulful, sharing and most important be brave in speaking up!
The ladies sat at the table in the restraunt when I arrived for lunch sliding in next to them after a heavy day's work lifting and dusting off displays I dung into the chips in front of me as I heard them say "Ask Debby, she pays attention to that kind of stuff." I looked up from munching in surprise "What?" I waited as one of them snorted out "Why do we work with weirdos and idiots? Where do they come from?" I choke back laughter knowing exactly who they were annoyed about in our work group. Before I could cleverly reply about what I knew of this year's summer crew, another lady cut me off stating very loudly "You should know better then to ask her! Debby never says a mean thing about anyone! You saw her earlier when she had to repeat the instructions 6 times to the idiot, she never once dropped her smile or rolled her eyes, I would have said "Go figure it out on your own!" if it was ME!" the ladies all laughed together and I simply nodded in understanding of our stressful day as I shared "Good communication goes a long ways in teaching and helping others I guess I'm thinking there is no one I can't talk to is all."
This was my first Sunday to work in...well....hmmm in actually 4 years! Yes 4 years ago I left my job at the coffee shop, which had me opening on Sunday mornings at 6am. Since then I have done many other part time, temporary jobs yet never on a Sunday........Sooooooo today was an odd morning for me to hurry out the door with my new shop keys in hand. (Usually I just stay in my Pj's and write away the afternoon;-D) I got to the pet food shop and followed all my training step by step in opening the store, I had my coffee and a hearty breakfast so I felt ready to work the shop all on my own, all day long. This was a very different Sunday then from what I am use to having, so I kept saying to myself over and over again "This is your very first day all alone, remember and don't panic, don't worry you'll learn all of this quite quickly." Then suddenly my log in didn't work for the computer and trouble shooting over the phone wasn't fixing it before I had to open the doors....leaving me to scramble around at discovering prices usually found in the system online, yet that was locked up! Panic was how I felt inside but I shared with customers how I could ring them up by hand with a calm confident smile. It was so good to see such friendly understanding customers through out the rest of the day, even my boss was impressed at how well I held my own under such pressure in that stressful situation, YET by the time I could go home I felt so weak with all my organizing numbers by hand and getting it all entered when the system came back online later on. How amazing to me that we rely on these networks for prices and inventory, for fast pace shopping and accurate accounts!
When I read the error message to my boss first thing this morning she said "I've only seen that problem once since we opened and I can't remember how we fixed it back then...." while I felt myself nervously laugh at how ironically it would be ME, here on my first day to run the shop to hit this wall, this rare problem! Now the one thing with feeling rattled up inside when things aren't going along smoothly is that time flies by! I looked at the clock today at 9:45am right when the computer flashed a warning error blocking me from doing anything then my heart hit my throat I was bewildered and worried over everything I sold. When I looked at the time again it was 2:45pm!?!? THAT is how fast all that stress took me into the day, I was rescued and everything was fixed again later on. It wasn't quite the best first day memory I was wanting then again first days of anything are often challenging and unknown..... THIS is my first Sunday back into the retail world and I'm ready!.............I think.
It happened rather naturally and fast in my conversation at my favorite pet shop, the place is only a few minuets from home and I've gotten all my pet food and items from this cute personal place over this last year. The owner was sharing how hard it was to find good workers, she was trying to do so many things at once so I waited patiently telling her I've been looking for work if that could help her situation of needing some time off to rest. By the next couple of days I was unloading the pallet of freight in the cold snowy weather outside the back door. Lifting over my head or stacking 50 pounds of dog food I had a new job, I am now scheduled out with a place to work. It was a crazy busy first day training that left me rather excited to have a new job but rather worried there was so much to know instantly. When I am there it's for the whole day of open to close, there is so much to do that I will never be bored from what I can see so far. The second day was calmer, I felt like I could remember better all the steps I am responsible for , I liked fronting displays and pricing everything off the floor. Running the register or chatting with customers are the easier parts of the job for me. The ordering of special things for customer request may take a bit more focus, The shop is easy enough to learn with cat food and things on one wall and the dog stuff on the other. The store cat Abby gets lots of attention and treats, I like how she lets me carry her around while I clean and re-stock shelves. It's only been a few days working there but I think it will work out for what I have been trying to find in the animal care field. The part time schedule is flexible to my worries over not being home for my dogs, life changes so quickly that sometimes I have to stay focus on what is most important to me and knowing my dogs are older, well cared over and while I am at work my husband can work from home to be with them which helps me relax in all my new adventures. It happened so quickly in starting a new job, to be scheduled out for the rest of the month.......I think it is fun to look out the shop window into the dark evening seeing all the Christmas lights sparkling out there. Knowing that when I get home all my pets will be happy to see me again and cuddle up for bed. I think it's even more interesting to watch how life unfolds and changes so quickly, I feel older and wiser for my time as a homemaker, now it's time to set my alarm again and get back to work!
Oscar, Minnie and Sidda have become like one dog right now. They pee
fast and hurry back inside quickly, they nap on the couch in one jump
up! They eat a bit more and sleep in MUCH later in these cold dark
mornings.
I love it! Love them of course! Oh, how lazy all my pets are! but it is this snow that sends them into a whole new level of sleepiness or cuddling lazy ways!
They are all a year older, I am a bit wiser and every second I can be with them, napping brushing or talking with each one I am grateful and happy! Even in this cold cold snow and bitter winds....I think while falling asleep with Sidda in my neck and shoulder, with Oscar in my stomach or
back and Minnie on my feet and legs I think while this moment is
unfolding so perfectly that I am so happy to have them in my life! While
my husband moves around in bed I never feel a cold draft so this is also a fun thing to notice my dogs stay very close and connected to me. Once it warms back up out there from 10 to 30 then I will play in the snow with them again....but really they are less interested in that then who gets the warmest spot on the couch after breakfast! LOVE LOVE My family!
"The Toltec tradition is not a religion, but rather a way of life in
which our great masterpiece is living in happiness and love. It embraces
spirit while honoring the great many masters of all of the world’s
traditions. The whole point of all this work is to be happy, to enjoy
life, and to enjoy the relationships with the people we love the most,
starting with oneself." -don Miguel Ruiz Jr. The Five Levels of Attachment
Back In
the last week of June 2011 I got to hike the Sawtooths mountains, (I am sure I've mentioned it on here before) and I
was blown away by such the beauty out there it was a magical moment, my life had been all about
packing boxes and chatting with the cops over our neighbors domestic
disturbances in our tiny condo, in my overwhelming frustration to move. So I was ready to be out into the great wide open, this why such a memory of that hike stays with me so easily, while soaking up
the early summer sun light and watching hundred of butterflies over head in my honest bewilderment! Such natural life makes me so happy inside! It was a wonderful stay in Stanley Idaho with my
step-mother-in-law Teresa Shively, who has always been such a good friend to me. We chatted about my getting ready back home to move into a new place and embrace all life new stories and new energies, she was such a great source of encouragement and strength. Of course I had no idea the depth of change that I would actually be going through or how upside down the world would get I walked down those dark hospital hallways that unfolded less then 3 weeks later from my climbing up our muddy fun trail together being beautiful women, I was glad for that time being in those magical Sawtooths as the rest of the summer disappeared into such tears later on...... It all seems like so long ago now when I reflect back to that
mountain side as if in a fairy tale, even remembering that surprise moment of passing a couple of mountain bikers on the narrow tail, thinking to myself "how dangerous is that?!?" as they rolled around us facing the drop off cliff side. It was like a real life episode of "Outdoor Idaho"! Priceless of course! We were out in the middle of no where even seeing some beautiful elk off into the distance that over
looked the lake. Ending the evening drinking wine at the spa hotel looking out onto the
whole panoramic view of those magnificent mountains! I am glad for those memories and the connection to such spectacular mountains! This world gets me so frustrated and annoyed at times, I don't like all the games people play or this constant struggle to make it rich or having to do what everyone else tells me to......I just like to live, to watch and see what will happen next and maybe I can face it all with a steady calm peace if I keep what is important to me centered? For I want to be like the elk grazing and simply being in all of nature. (maybe I was one in my past lives that is why I feel so at home in this space on earth?)
The Sawtooths are breathless and beautiful yet very real and regal! They hold stories of shared souls hundreds and hundreds of years with our life times unfolding below them. Lovenever dies just like these mountains in which stand tall and strong pointing up to the sky! We are all made to live with love if we seek it out, we are made to appreciate and be grateful for the nature of this earth, for the peace we carry in ourselves to better all the situations around us and let all of nature hold us.
Give me the blue sky and warmth sun light any day and let me stare out into such awe of these amazing mountains sides! Love never dies, that is my promise to my soul and the message I get from this earth!
I
sighed deeply as we hit the swamp like trail Teresa said "Looks like
this is the end of the trail for us. I can't see a way around it, best
we turn back, try to avoid that thunder storm coming maybe." We
had walked in pure
comfortable simple sweet silence, lost in our own
thoughts every so often pointing out a plant or such signs of tree
borers as such "Master gardeners" like us would naturally do.....I slid
around in the muddy pit blocking us from trail upwards more. I was giggling as I tried
to get my camera out to snap a few more pictures I replied back over my
shoulder at her "Well, I guess we should....it's just so nice to be
away from all of civilization right now though. I mean really how noisy is our lives when you discover THIS place!?!" Our girls time was priceless and refreshing, I felt like time needed to be frozen so we could just be this peacefully joyful forever! While walking back down our mountain side trail I heard it over head as the rain sprinkled on us that life like this was never going to be the same and I felt a bit worried inside my soul that I better reach out to touch the bark of this tree in front of me like a last grasp to always remember this moment of my deep strength being made whole for the next journey ahead was going to be very dark, like that thunder storm we were trying to avoid......
There
are a few untouched places in Boise, Idaho but that's why I noticed or
hang on to such details as that from the past. I am not a big fan of modernizing everything or
see old places do all this remodel, even simply disappear.....Boise is really changing here in the next couple of year so much is being built or torn down. Even the directions of the roads are being changed. I get a bit overwhelmed how odd I feel watching this all happen so fast. This has been a "small town" big city place all of my life and I liked it for that peaceful friendly sense in our community. It's in a transition and I'm seeking out those ghost towns instead! My husband calls me an old lady when I voice all my dislikes, like how there TV's EVERYWHERE nowadays.....in every coffee shop, pub or now even gas stations, I'm going to be forced to change too in accepting this is just how it is...BUT Give me a quiet peaceful corner to drink and visit. I want to hear the voice of the person I am with, I want to be connected and find meaning in everything. Even just taking a deep breath sitting back watching people like in an episode of that famous sitcom "Cheers" I think to myself NOTHING can substitute real life peoples! Which is why that show has such wide appeal we all want to go where everyone know our names, My favorite bar lately has been the Symposion because it is like stepping back in time, to my own personal "Cheers" place! I really really like it there so untouched from the outside world with the juke box playing and those pool tables full of laughter in groups giving high fives. THIS is where I want to live my life when happy hour comes around! The fact this bar allows dogs in makes it my most favorite place to go and chill out quite naturally! I think this way of life in a friendly, safe, good bar like the Symposion comes from a personal choice, commonly going against the rest of society of flashy new things. Give me a cocktail and a fluffy huge dog to chat with and pet while Tom Petty plays over head for this a perfect moment in time to me! I'm left to think about the great wide open and all that will continue to change all around me......while my gin&tonic stays familiar!
My whole life has always had music, in the back ground of any place I will hear it , I crave it and I need it! I like knowing it even if it's not my usual U2 or Coldplay tunes. I mean I am willing to listen openly to new things not anything hateful or gross mind you but music is for me every single word that I am feeling or that I want to understand! Sound is distracting but also refreshing for the soul and mind to be united. Music is so amazingly powerful unfolding in a scene of a movie then years later you will hear that song again and start to cry.....or simply remember what you had completely forgotten.... My husband tried to get me into Hip hop awhile back and as much as I like to have fun or joke around it was not my kind of depth or spiritual craving. About 5 or 6 years ago when I was burning music CD's my husband Tony pointed it out that I had the same 4 or 5 songs in all of my mixes. This got me thinking about music why am I drawn to the same kind of songs or tunes no matter the artist. Music has to feed me, I need to be lifted up out of my own skin from it's sound........Tony said something to me once that never left me because I realize it is who I am now but at the time I was unaware he said "You don't always have to listen to profound things, you can just dance and enjoy mindless happy songs about shaking your ass or getting laid, ya know FUN things like that!" It is true I laughed at his observation I wasn't just getting down and jiggy with my choices for songs I was seeking to be lifted up into the clouds and resting on top of the tree instead! Life is funny as we grow up our music changes and follows us around, I never ever turned off my radio as a teenager in my own bedroom in those early 90's.......everything was country music with Garth Brooks and Reba. Then as I grew older everything was "the oldies", I guess I even wanted to dress like they did the 50's, so music keep growing for me, I kept seeking to reach out for new words and new sounds.......That is what is magical about music it transport you out from this very moment into old memories or into the future, it describes emotions you have been avoiding or simply forgetting, stories you have lived through and comfort you needed to just stop and listen! I need an energy release when I am happy as equal to when I am sad and this is were the speed of sound gets my soul there for me! This is where I love living in such places as great music! My whole life will always be connected to such profound depth of music in the background as I live on......I seek out such sound for my soul and for my own self.
My husband Tony got into the car as I had been waiting to pick him up, instantly he turned off the radio "Oh God! You and this radio are always going! I am in need of silence there is so much noise in this world!" I chuckled asking "You don't like music much do you?" Tony rolls his eyes at me "Not to the clearly obsessive nature that YOU do." I laughed out loud knowing my music time is endless for me as life stressful moments are worth it by the delightful sounds I can hear!
The gray cool air covers the world like a dome, like we are in a snow globe! Any minuet someone out there will shake us up and the white stuff will start falling Stillness is where I am right now, quiet and calm something big is coming ahead in the new year but for now as I am not sure what that is....I enjoy this stillness and the moment I lean over the bridge to watch the ducks in the pond at the park. Winter is my least favorite season because I hate to be cold so much, yet I love the clear air and the cozy smell of burning wood fires out there. (The holidays help to distract me from the cold, so even though I like to live outside I just bundle up more to seek my fresh air) A storm is coming, this stillness is warm and the park is peaceful, so I will remain steady in my own idea of a snow globe, my own bubble I create for my life.
Bernice poured me a hot tea as the cold afternoon found us sitting and chatting around her kitchen table once again we spent the time catching up and I told her how my trip was, and how Airports sure have changed since I was kid, this made her laugh for a moment adding "Well, they certainly have changed since I worked in them too!" Bernice was a young woman working the airport cafe here in Boise Idaho in the early 1960's. I explained to her how people travel nowadays with iphones, ipads, always looking down into these devices instead of making new friends and engaging socially. I like to sit and read also but I have to stay aware of my surroundings at the same time. Bernice asked with a smirk "You mean you can travel and not need a computer with you?" We both laughed together as I explained "I feel like I live in my own snow globe, like everyone else is out of my reach with these gadgets." Bernice shakes her head in reply "I'm glad I don't travel anymore, things are changing and not always for the better....so what do you do when traveling if you don't have a fancy phone?" I smiled thoughtfully holding my tea cup stating back quickly "I sit still, I actually really enjoy stillness and calmness, in fact this trip allowed me to realize that I loved being inside my own head, in my own ideas and my own stories." Bernice laughed again and I relaxed into our time together!
Everything is symbolic to me, connected and full of such depth. It's how I have always been but as I grow older it becomes even more important for me to listen to that voice in my head on every little emotion, on every little detail I can relate too. This brings out each and every color surrounding my life.
I'm not out looking to be gifted, to have some kind of "calling" I just feel it this circling energies all around me, I do so love to share stories and memories while also planning ahead in creating a beautiful spot on this earth where I can just sit and watch all things come together. Every morning I wake up with the faces of my dogs and cats on my pillow as no one really wants to get up at first, so cuddling with each one is so priceless for me as we move slowly into a new day!
As each new Christmas time comes around brings out all my old memories, I can't wait to see how time keeps getting better, new memories are just as important and the energy to live forward in bettering the world is also wonderful for this time of the year! I see symbolic stories, I see how sharing just one smile can change the weather on a cold day, How being grateful or giving is so comforting and joyful to the soul! I'm often left in awe over all the connections, all the kindness out in the world when so often these stressful time distracts us from being centered. As much as I enjoy being around family and friends it is also very nice to take time out to be alone, some of my best thoughts or inspiration in seeing all the symbolic meaning for my life comes when I am alone! How graceful and cozy it is to have a home full of colors, of blankets and pets but how refreshing it is to also step outside and see the whole world holding us all together! I've been browsing through all these new displays for Christmas decor in the stores, I love just looking over everything while singing along to the over head holiday music. (I can also get such new ideas on how to make my own matching decor for sometimes the prices are marked much higher then I would ever dream to purchase!) It is the magic of this time every year that has my mind's eye wide open and my deep joy overflowing! It's even more fascinating to wonder over all the connections we share simply having a wonderful Christmas time!
I really wish I never knew about "Black Friday", I'm jealous of my friends who ask what is it? Because I was raised with it hanging over Thanksgiving like a scene from the "Mission Impossible" movies. Bewildered as a kid and stepped on by those crazy crowds, one time I remember my mother throwing my little sister into the shopping cart and yelling for me to grab hold to the cart handle as she pushed through the chaos, the frenzy! I remember it like a fuzzy dream of panicking as those store doors opened to hundreds of people pushing us inward and I remember so clearly wanting to leave and get out of it all. Finally reaching 10 years old I could speak up in my protest and NOT be apart of the stupidity, of greed or this so called family tradition. NOTHING is worth it, nothing is right about Black Friday and sadly I've noticed it's the poor people who seem more likely follow those sales signs at the cost of their own health and at the cost of their own much needed money. I know some people might disagree with me but I sadly shake my head wondering if there is a God why would this happen to us as a society? I have learned now as I grow older to just let the crazy people be crazy, give this holiday event back to them...maybe one day there will no need for it, although greed has not yet left us alone?
As for me and my home we will serve the pumpkin pie and coffee while staying in and hoping to avoid any horrid NEWS story that will be so bewildering and so very very sad on Black Friday!
Thank you for the sunshine today for the big holiday weekend surrounding Thanksgiving coming up tomorrow! And Thank you for all the yummy good eats! Thank you for family, for laughter, for wine and that awaited fun game board time! Thank you for the pets in our lives, they are so loved and for the warm cozy blankets, even a fuzzy sweater we can wear! I think saying THANK YOU is so refreshing and it makes us take account of all we have and all we need to remember that is important to us once again.
Also may I say THANK YOU for reading my blog, I never try to figure out if anyone reads this but I do appreciate it when ya do! Soooo Thank you my dear reader!!
Have yourself a Happy Thanksgiving and may the day be rich in memories, in hugs and safe coziness!
When I was in Northern Idaho last month I flew into Spokane Washington for my big family reunion of all the ladies, I know that I have shared often how much I love all my Aunts! Seeing them again is like putting on a warm cozy sweater! My cousin Cally was able to swing in and pick me up that night after I got off the plane. She was the one I did everything with as a kid, her older sister Trina always had us organized in all our games, in all our nature walks. I love them both of course! But it was Cally and I who grabbed on to each other for support and screamed if there was a snake in the field or a bird fly over our heads! I followed Cally everywhere! We seemed to paired up in anything we did. Then the years and the days separated us as life will often do. I still feel like I will always know her and she will know me, coming back in contact over these last couple of years has me so happy to see that she is still so classy, Now life for her sounds really awesome! Her career and her home all sounds fascinating to me, I am glad she is doing so good! But really it was her magical new carthat made this night so memorable! Because THIS was a car from the future, I am not joking it was so super COOL! (Now I know that I drive a basic four door car for the last decade, so this could be why I think her new car is from the FUTURE but let me tell ya it was SWEET!)
We swung into a store that reminded me of our own Boise Co-op, I loved it! Full of wine, snacks and my much need bottle water. It was called "Huckleberry Market." Right there in Spokane in the dark fall night. Cally was delightful, beautiful and sweet! We both enjoyed knowing a lot about wines and grabbing what we would need for the rest of the weekend. Then we hit road for that hour's drive out to meet the rest of our family. When her phone rang the car would send it through the speakers, I would look around in awe! When I got the shivers from cold she turned on our seats to heat up and it all felt like we glided over the roads! I was in such comfort, in such awe over this nice car that when we hit the mountain side following the directions and mile markers I felt so very safe! Then we turned off a little to soon down a steep slope road that felt like a water slide twisting like a snake down to the Courd'Alene lake side. Cally stopped before going around the rest of the mountain corner as we realized this road was very very narrow now. She jumped out to go look ahead of her car while I sat feeling helpless like a moment from an episode of "The Walking Dead"! Darkness and forest trees surrounded us with a cliff on one side that went right down into the lake! I spun around in my seat alarmed that Cally bravely leaped out and came back saying "It's a dead end! Where are we? Good thing you said something about this road I think it's now a walking path NOT a road anymore!" We laughed and I exclaimed "You were so fast! Suddenly I am ALL alone in here thinking how zombies could SO get us now!" I began wondering about just how will we back out of THIS place now??? It was steep and narrow with only one way out straight back the way we had just drove! Okay so HERE is why I think she has a really AWESOME Car from the FUTURE.... Because as she reversed while we realized we needed to find the main road again she never looked back over her shoulder and I was twisting, jerking and flipping out that she was NOT looking back as we drove back out the scary way we had just come down!?!?!? She noticed my sudden movements of my alarm, yet she kept driving backwards so perfectly chuckling as I feared for our lives! Then of course I noticed the computer screen in the dashboard showing the rear camera as she drove back so effortlessly and I let out a sigh of realization! "THAT is SOOOOO AWESOME!" I exclaimed in my bewilderment as we climb out of the mountain side. Cally was laughing at my naive ways, I was truly dumbfounded by it all! Her magical vehicle got us to our Aunts and to the warm cozy condo that night so safely and in true style! I loved our "off road" adventures and most importantly I loved being in Cally's car from the FUTURE!
Once we lay to rest our past, once we lay down all of our own personal stories or hidden emotions, letting go of grudges, of hurtful times. Letting go of ALL the injustices of this real world round us THEN and only THEN can we step into the promising future! The time will fly by automatically even if you are living in the past. But to truly step forward into the endless history being made right in front of you, to really know what time it is for your soul and for your strength you have to lay to rest everything from within yourself.
No one else can fix what is going on inside of your own self, unless you seek advice or "download" memories that can keep eating at ya, no one can really help you out with this very personal journey. Some people don't even care really if you are struggling so what I see happens so often is the avoidance of ourselves. Our society allows avoidance and self-destruction more over then those "Ah HA!" moments once shared on TV shows like "Oprah". It all comes down to your own self, to the story you will choose to share or believe about yourself in the end. Be brave and don't avoid it.... Once I grew up my life changed into the most beautiful place! I always carried that idea or dream within me that my life is simply good. Yet not until I could actually be in control of my own life did it become TRUE. It is very much like getting into a time machine from that famous movie "Back to the Future." The story changes and gets better for that guy "Marty" after he returns to the present time once again. (My husband loves these movies so much, he even has the kind of hair like "Doc" had....maybe one day it will be all white and I can call him that!) This idea of going back in time to understand where we are today is very important, getting stuck in the past however is not healthy. Life has this endless hope of looking and living towards the future so being distracted by the past can take away from the real delight of RIGHT NOW. Once my life was healed from the inside out I noticed I could move on in helping and hugging others, I had a new found strength and love for the whole world around me! I loved listening and connecting to other peoples stories or journeys. I don't have all the answers for everything about me, I don't think I will ever "Arrived" to such enlightenment of my being. I just know that once everything is laid down, once I finally owned it and faced it then I could enjoy this day for what it all holds, for the endless possibilities of my good life! Now If I had a "Delorean" to be my time machine I would go back in time and be with all the ones I still so miss! The future is ALWAYS going to be this great big unknown place, going back through our time, back through our memories will make us wiser and more aware of what we still need to work on in ourselves because well the future took us right back through our past and now here we are in the know!
On November 22, 1963 our nation's President was shot up directly in front of the public, leaving all these images of our home made camera shots or recordings strongly emotional and set into our historical minds. How innocent were we all until this date unfold? The reason we have been told so quickly that one man acted alone or that Cuba did all of this was impart for our own grief to get pass and move on. I don't think humans have ever been so innocent, so naive or so helpless like how this event would suggest. But I think back on this date our culture and society was very refreshing, carrying a sense of real hope, people like new beginnings no matter how "street wise" they can be. So with this really young man as our nation's leader and with new inventions like a TV brought him right into our everyday lives.
We have now arrived 50 years later from this trauma, if this event unfolded nowadays I would NOT care what political party the President belonged to, I would still scream out and cry for the lost of life and the lost of such innocence. I would think to myself "Evil has arrived in front of us, whose is to blame is a distraction from the truth that we will ALL hurt from such a thing so very disrespectful to our free nation." Then later on such questions like "ARE we really a free good nation? ARE we bringing forth world peace and bettering the lives around us? For when much is given, much is expected." I wonder... that is the end of JFK's story the wonder of it all.....the unknown, the "what if's" and the HOW COULD THIS OF HAPPENED???? When I first saw this old film clip of the President's head flying off I was a teenager and I freaked out a bit wondering why would they keep on driving towards the shooter??? Seemed very crazy to me that they didn't look like they were trying to protect him as they should. THIS event is an embarrassment by all actions, just like when a family member who goes out into public attacking another same family member, embarrassing! Then rest of the family will try to blame someone else in order to not face the sad fact this is of their own blood. Because JFK was killed this way, I have never trusted the media or the Government when they try to lead this nation along. I wish sometimes it was possible to believe in heroes as our leaders, but they killed the one guy who stood for hope and change and accountability. We can't seem to get back to someone like that ever again, we will always keep trying though I think! It is rather interesting to watch the future unfold everyday, We don't get to have all the answers and maybe our gut-reactions are wrong at times, yet in the end the good guys don't always win......but they DO carry a fire that won't ever go out!
So here we go into the next 50 years of the future, what will it say about YOU?
There are 3 dogs of such personality whom fill my every hour and every day! They cuddle in deep at night all around me and sometimes even crowding out my husband. Waking up in the winter's cold or stormy weather has them always sound asleep and happily touching me in someway. My grateful heart is full of laughter even in the cold or gray days of this cold long winter season! Minnie, Sidda and Oscar are the greatest dogs and the first on my "to be thankful" list about my life!
Thanksgiving kisses everyday makes living with love so perfect
It was raining outside as I sat by the fire place in Papa Joe's as Benny rushed in to meet me. I had order our favorite mozzarella sticks already as she sat down taking a bite. "Oh GOOD! I was thinking about these on the way in!" I chuckled and nodded as we sat directly in front of the fire place on this cold winter's day, "So you are heading home this evening?" I asked her as she took time trying to order from the menu. I joked around with her "I would say we could share something BUT I know how picky you are about food!" I laugh and snack our appetizer plate. She shrugged with a smile saying "I hate ordering something that ends up not being what I like.....so I have to really stop and think about it first." Being best friends over all these years getting together all of a sudden in our day was just how we rolled!
The fireplace roared and crackled making us warm up quickly, we shared our new knitted hats and gloves and scarfs. We talked about different patterns and new types of yarn. We joked, we teased each other then we laughed fully over our newest funny stories in our lives. Benny said looking around holding her simple sandwich "THIS is a really nice place by the fire! I don't think I ever sat here before, before we leave I want to grab a coffee for the road and need YOU to pick it out for tell the guy what I like because I can never remember!" I giggled shaking my head "You like white chocolate or Carmel or anything really sweet to hide the coffee taste...NOT what I call "drinking coffee"." Benny smiled proudly replying back "GOOD! see you know and remember for me what I like to drink so I will take you with me to order one." That was such a fun cozy day in against the winter's weather as we caught up and as we shared our lives. The fire's warmth made us both very relaxed and goofy as we ate lunch then ordered coffees to go. "This place reminds me so much of YOU." Benny said as we left saying goodbye for another few months as she went back To Twin Falls. I smiled asking "Because of all the visiting quiet corners?" She nodded and added "That, and it's styled very "Hippy" with second hand furniture the way you always like. I am going to do that style for my own home I decided, bye Girl!" I waved out getting to my car saying "Call me to let me know you arrived home safely, love ya!" As the rain came down we both drove out back to our lives, warmed from the fireplace and knowing we had such a delightful friendship!
My best friend Benny met up with me just last fall at the amazing good steakhouse in Caldwell Idaho. I wasn't letting her out of my sight as our evening had just started up when she got a call that her father needed her help just as we all order the meal. "I'm coming with you." I said instantly as the rest of the group stayed behind. She as surprised "No no stay with your other friends, I'll be right back." I chuckled already heading out of the restraunt with her "I don't mind to ride along with ya and catching up! Then if the family drama flares up you can say Debby is waiting in the car I have to get back to our food!" Benny smiled saying back "Okay good, it gives me time to talk to you a little more!" We were driving out to her aunt's home to check on her father who has been fighting cancer for awhile now. Benny warned me as she always did "Debby you can't be so trusting of people, I know that you can handle your own but it seems unfair how welcoming you are to letting people right back into your life, even those who weren't there for you 10 years ago when you needed help struggling through life." Being with Benny in the car that evening almost a year ago from next month makes me feel bigger then life! She won't be back around for me to listen or to chat with this fall. Therefore I look back in awe and gratefulness that we had so many small talks and shared moments to remember. Benny listened to me explain myself in how I see the world, it's not about me letting old friends come back and treat me the same, it is how they have changed and I know what it is like to change and be different too. The best way to get through changing and learning is to have a good none judgmental friend. Benny chuckled and shook her head at me replying "It's not fair that these people couldn't be there for you like that." I smiled nodding in total understanding of what she meant explaining "If they had been there for me I wonder, would I of learned how to handle my life all on my own? Would I be so passionate now over never abandoning others?" Benny nodded back sighing "Maybe I am just jealous that these friends get to see ya all the time and I am only in town every few months now." I giggled back at her honesty, all our talks were usually very open and real. I explained "I hate jealousy, it's not a common emotion of mine anymore." Benny snorted asking "How can you choose to not have it? Just like THAT?" Benny was watching me out of the corner of her eye as I continued "Because it's not about me, I don't own my husband so if he flirts or if he likes someone else that has nothing to do with me, I want him to be happy over anything else. I am okay with it or with any other thing someone has that I don't because I am not them and they are not me, I own myself that is all. It is love that heals and changes all things, it's a HUGE power that fulfills everything in the end. Why would I want to be jealous when those I love are having a good life? Like no one will ever replace you in my life, for you are my best friend even if ya move across the country, and just like if Tone moved out for another woman I would be so happy for him not jealous by my own choice and I would hope to stay the good friends I think that we are now so maybe it will always last like that?. Life isn't ours to control ever, love is the most important thing above all the rest of these so called rules in our society. There is no room for bitterness, or anger when you live outside of yourself. Like what if I died tomorrow? I wouldn't want Tony to live alone, I would hope and not be jealous if he could find a companion right away! THAT is the magic of love it can never die!" Benny parked the car and sat for a moment listening to me nodding and thinking then she left to check on her father, when she came back to continue our talk she said thoughtfully "Do you really believe that love fixes everything in the end like that?" I smiled big and nodded yes as I listened to her explain "I don't know, I have always been very guarded and not trusting of most people. When you explain yourself I realize I don't need to worry about you after all then I wonder if it works, letting Love be bigger then life, bigger then my own self? I wonder if it's possible when you talk about it all I am always sold on a new way of thinking!" She chuckled to herself as we drove back discussing more of the "what if's" or the what to do if people who love let ya down... I loved this deep conversation with Benny I reassured her more "It takes time and practice to replace jealousy with unconditional love, but when it clicks you will know and you will be at such peace with your soul! That it will be worth the struggle in stepping out of your guarded walls" Benny half hugged me as we walked back into the steak house. "I just love ya Debster! You are so refreshing to be around!" She was smiling more now and simply relaxing for the rest of meal. I made a goofy face back at her like always thinking to myself later on in the evening that she and I will be those funny old ladies one day in our crazy hats with crazy scarfs and tipping our cocktails together for a photo!....... ..........You know those kind of friendships, the ones captured on birthday cards shinning happily bigger then us all!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well.
