MERRY CHRISTMAS a day late....I slept most of my life away yesterday, caught somewhere between holiday happiness and a growing sense of this year's huge lost. The 26th of each month will sometimes go right on by without me being the wiser! Yet today 6 months ago, I went through a dark tunnel of death and separation that would never again allow me to see my best friend, I can still feel that high pitch scream from my throat and never forget the sudden pain in my chest. Those hot heavy tears and my hitting the steering wheel with both hands then gripping on until they turned white...I surrendered to crying and that sorrow of which I had never ever known before!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well.
I have always been a firm believer in feeling all things as they befall me, no denying or hiding the facts of what these very important and very real human emotions are suppose to teach me or help me....that being said I also know I can't live forever in grief as well, I have to take these events in my "suitcase" called LIFE and live along side all that has hurt me, all that has comforted me and all that has YET to be packed up with the rest of me.
This is the year of rest for my own soul, of not chasing every holiday tradition and not wrapping every gift. No real cards or letters sent, no real goodies baked and slowly I move about my time wondering if in these next 6 months I will be even more wiser?.....Hopefully less sad but again that's not in my control like with so many other things I have learned since June 26th, I am NOT the story teller or writer of my own life, because if I was then I would still be sitting at the top of Camel's back park over looking the valley below as spring began to set things into green again I would still be there with my arms wide open saying
"I love you beautiful world!"
So I know I can't make time stand still for that moment earlier this year, I can't write happy endings for everyone I love and maybe even most humbling of all is now I know what season's grieving is instead.....
I have always been a firm believer in feeling all things as they befall me, no denying or hiding the facts of what these very important and very real human emotions are suppose to teach me or help me....that being said I also know I can't live forever in grief as well, I have to take these events in my "suitcase" called LIFE and live along side all that has hurt me, all that has comforted me and all that has YET to be packed up with the rest of me.
This is the year of rest for my own soul, of not chasing every holiday tradition and not wrapping every gift. No real cards or letters sent, no real goodies baked and slowly I move about my time wondering if in these next 6 months I will be even more wiser?.....Hopefully less sad but again that's not in my control like with so many other things I have learned since June 26th, I am NOT the story teller or writer of my own life, because if I was then I would still be sitting at the top of Camel's back park over looking the valley below as spring began to set things into green again I would still be there with my arms wide open saying
"I love you beautiful world!"
So I know I can't make time stand still for that moment earlier this year, I can't write happy endings for everyone I love and maybe even most humbling of all is now I know what season's grieving is instead.....
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