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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Bigger Then Life

My best friend Benny met up with me just last fall at the amazing good steakhouse in Caldwell Idaho. I wasn't letting her out of my sight as our evening had just started up when she got a call that her father needed her help just as we all order the meal. "I'm coming with you." I said instantly as the rest of the group stayed behind. She as surprised "No no stay with your other friends, I'll be right back." I chuckled already heading out of the restraunt with her "I don't mind to ride along with ya and catching up! Then if the family drama flares up you can say Debby is waiting in the car I have to get back to our food!" Benny smiled saying back "Okay good, it gives me time to talk to you a little more!" 
We were driving out to her aunt's home to check on her father who has been fighting cancer for awhile now. Benny warned me as she always did "Debby you can't be so trusting of people, I know that you can handle your own but it seems unfair how welcoming you are to letting people right back into your life, even those who weren't there for you 10 years ago when you needed help struggling through life."
Being with Benny in the car that evening almost a year ago from next month makes me feel bigger then life! She won't be back around for me to listen or to chat with this fall. Therefore I look back in awe and gratefulness that we had so many small talks and shared moments to remember.
Benny listened to me explain myself in how I see the world, it's not about me letting old friends come back and treat me the same, it is how they have changed and I know what it is like to change and be different too. The best way to get through changing and learning is to have a good none judgmental friend. 
Benny chuckled and shook her head at me replying "It's not fair that these people couldn't be there for you like that." I smiled nodding in total understanding of what she meant explaining "If they had been there for me I wonder, would I of learned how to handle my life all on my own? Would I be so passionate now over never abandoning others?" Benny nodded back sighing "Maybe I am just jealous that these friends get to see ya all the time and I am only in town every few months now." I giggled back at her honesty, all our talks were usually very open and real. I explained "I hate jealousy, it's not a common emotion of mine anymore." Benny snorted asking "How can you choose to not have it? Just like THAT?" Benny was watching me out of the corner of her eye as I continued "Because it's not about me, I don't own my husband so if he flirts or if he likes someone else that has nothing to do with me, I want him to be happy over anything else. I am okay with it or with any other thing someone has that I don't because I am not them and they are not me, I own myself  that is all. It is love that heals and changes all things, it's a HUGE power that fulfills everything in the end. Why would I want to be jealous when those I love are having a good life? Like no one will ever replace you in my life, for you are my best friend even if ya move across the country, and just like if Tone moved out for another woman I would be so happy for him not jealous by my own choice and I would hope to stay the good friends I think that we are now so maybe it will always last like that?. 
Life isn't ours to control ever, love is the most important thing above all the rest of these so called rules in our society. There is no room for bitterness, or anger when you live outside of yourself. 
Like what if I died tomorrow? I wouldn't want Tony to live alone, I would hope and not be jealous if he could find a companion right away! THAT is the magic of love it can never die!" Benny parked the car and sat for a moment listening to me nodding and thinking then she left to check on her father, when she came back to continue our talk she said thoughtfully "Do you really believe that love fixes everything in the end like that?" I smiled big and nodded yes as I listened to her explain "I don't know, I have always been very guarded and not trusting of most people. When you explain yourself I realize I don't need to worry about you after all then I wonder if it works, letting Love be bigger then life, bigger then my own self? I wonder if it's possible when you talk about it all I am always sold on a new way of thinking!" She chuckled to herself  as we drove back discussing more of the "what if's" or the what to do if people who love let ya down... I loved this deep conversation with Benny I reassured her more "It takes time and practice to replace jealousy with unconditional love, but when it clicks you will know and you will be at such peace with your soul! That it will be worth the struggle in stepping out of your guarded walls" Benny half hugged me as we walked back into the steak house. "I just love ya Debster! You are so refreshing to be around!" She was smiling more now and simply relaxing for the rest of meal.
I made a goofy face back at her like always thinking to myself later on in the evening that she and I will be those funny old ladies one day in our crazy hats with crazy scarfs and tipping our cocktails together for a photo!.......
..........You know those kind of friendships, the ones captured on birthday cards shinning happily bigger then us all!

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