A Solo

 I attended a traditional baptist church over the second decade of my life.  After finally finding a steady church to be apart of, I was almost 11 years old when I stated I wanted to stop attending a different church every Sunday, I wanted to have some actual friends maybe...

This church celebrated every 5th Sunday night in the month by holding a church service called a "Singsperation!" I truly loved those celebrations, eventually it became a whole day at church with a potluck and fellowship time, up until all the singing began as a rare mid afternoon service. While random people from the Congregation signed up, volunteering and practicing for weeks ahead. It wasn't a talent show, it wasn't entertainment. It was only to worship God by singing through out the whole service with no sermon. So in understanding this setup no one ever clapped after a performance.  Clapping somehow created pride or vanity, we wanted to truly honor God. To say I attended a strange church comes from looking back at my past, I think I kinda knew deep down inside my soul I wasn't ever going to fit in or be an actual part of all these rules. I was hopelessly different. Yet, This all was a good lesson to learn....

I was only 15 years old when I agreed to sing with the new girl at church named Whisper. She was manipulative and mean, I was determined to be nice and help her feel welcomed in our church family. Most kids stayed away from her and yet I got cornered every time in my attempt to be really nice.

I turned to my beloved friend Rebekah as I asked "Do you know the name of the new girl in class? The one with short curly red hair?" Rebekah answered not looking up from her bible "Whisper." I suddenly duck my head down into a whisper "The new girl who has been coming to our Sunday school class..." Rebekah threw her head back in a deep hardy laugh "Whisper!" she said again through her laughter. I went even quieter in my voice "The new girl! what is her name?" Rebekah was laughing so hard by now, I waited on her reply. She took me by the shoulders in half hug trying to calm down from laughing so much. "Her name IS Whisper! Ooooh Debby that was funny!" I giggled as I realized my misunderstanding while mumbling back "I wasn't sure I could even whisper much quieter then THAT!"  AND So Whisper got me to agree to sing at the next singsperation with her. We practiced a song I had never heard of before, It wasn't sounding right in my own ears and my beloved friends Tiffany and Rebekah told me I was very thoughtful and kind to Whisper for doing that. I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to be this nice to the new girl, she hadn't yet actually hurt my feelings so I had to learn the hard way. One time I was sobbing on the floor in back hall in the ladies restroom when Tiffany found me there. "What in the world Debby! what happened!?" I told her all about how Whisper was beaten and hated by her parents, about how she had to have an abortion and was addicted to drugs. I was crying over the pain and sorrow that Whisper had lived through only at the age of 16. Tiffany kindly hugged me saying "Debby don't trust her completely, She is also a pathological lier." I had never heard of that before, for some reason I thought everyone always just told the truth by nature or fear of God's wrath! I wasn't aware of being used by Whisper for her own amusement, I never stood a chance when facing her.

The moment to sing in front of everyone came for Whisper and I. AND I have MANY doubts about this whole thing that many people told me to drop out before she makes a fool of me because Whisper could NOT sing and I did NOT know the words of the song very good.  As the piano played I bravely told myself this wasn't about being good at singing, this wasn't about me feeling so intimated by Whisper. It was about honoring and prasing God in this uncertain dooming moment. I began singing with all my heart, with all my strength. I smiled big at the starring eyes of all my friends and family. Now I had always said that I would NEVER sing a solo, because all you had is your own voice out there in front of everyone and that was terrifying if something went wrong. Singing in a group was easier for me, I liked not being alone ever on stage. This moment was defining, Whisper pushed me up front of her as we sang together only she simply stopped singing in her own shyness. With her making no noise of any kind, I was now going solo! I struggled alone realizing this could be the most embarrassing moment of my whole life! I only heard my own voice I only saw my beloved girlfriends nodding at me as if to say they were proud that I kept going! I tried to steady and calm my voice at this sudden changing in our duet. I will NEVER forget how fast my heart beat and how sweaty I became, I remember how my voice squeaked and shaked all alone on stage where Whisper now standing behind me almost completely starred down at her feet. I held my head up high towards the crowd saying to myself "This is for God I am not singing for myself, for God, for God, I wish he could change my voice and it could accidentally suddenly sound lovely at the same time it is all for him!" The song felt like it would never end, I was now front and center for what felt like an hour! I noticed my parents both frowning at me and I had to look around for a more friendly face instead.I was never more happy to get off the church stage when it was all over. My father who rolled his eyes when he saw me afterwords said "You should Stick to writing! That was really horrible!" I felt a sudden rush of tears hit me for it had all gone so wrong on stage I already knew that! My father in his honest bluntness didn't want me making a fool of myself like that again, but all I wanted after all of that was just a hug. He snorted instead and glared as if I was an idiot. Tiffany, Rebekah and Jennifer, my beloved friends were standing around me when my father said this and they focused in on him again. Jennifer stared at him in shock but she quickly hugged me and I control my need for crying. I had not only embarrassed my parents but I had sung a solo something I knew would be BAD if I ever did! My beloved friends circled me with encouragement and kindness, my father walked away shaking his head at my stupidity. My mother snapped at me later in the car saying "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SING! You said you would just not go up there with that crazy girl!" I shrugged explaining to my clearly upset mother that I did it for God's glory not my own. Whisper never talked about it again, I didn't ask her why she stopped singing suddenly and why did she leave me out to sing alone....The love most everyone else gave me was thoughtfulness for my bravery and how I didn't give up even after I was abandon. An actual lesson I took through the whole of my life time, I don't give up. I don't walk away after I have been completely abandon and find myself living solo.