Open Doors

As a teenager I never found privacy in my own home growing up, I took long walks to help myself feel safe again. I liked the feeling of closing my bedroom door and getting a sense of protection by the four walls. My bedroom was my refuge until my mother popped her head through saying "You know the rules." and then she leaves my door open again. I shared a room most of my childhood with my sister who would roll her eyes, making a face at the open door where mom had just been. My sister wanted the door closed too, I was glad we could agreed on that. I think most teenagers feel this way but not all parents can respect it. As far back as I can remember we were never allowed to close doors in our house. My mom said that if we have nothing to hide the door can stay open. This was a big deal for my sister Dana when she turned 13 years old and wanted to be left alone all the time. She also liked slamming doors in her frustration because it sent a clear warning to our mother that Dana was really mad and was now braking the rules. We had a million different rules for everything! But the door rule was one I wanted to change all the time, especially the older I got. Even my teen aged friends thought the door should be close to our bedroom though I would exclaim "DON'T do THAT! You want my mom to come hang out with us? If you close our bedroom door she will come in here and sit down to watch us wondering what we were doing that the door had to be closed!" My friends soon decided to invite me to their houses instead. We must of seemed like crazy children always stopping people from closing doors around us because we were afraid of Mom's wooden spoon or her stinging fly swatter. Closing a bedroom door was like talking back to our mother and the discipline for it was serious.
Our most humiliating rule of all was undoubtedly bathrooms doors! Those door could NEVER be locked. THIS was even bigger then the open door rule for bedrooms. As young teen aged women, my sister and I struggled greatly with this rule when our time of the month had arrived. Privacy, it is a simple word of respect for sensitive situations such as young women are trying to figure out how life works all over again. Our bathroom had 2 doors one from the hallway, the other to the laundry room. Now our mother never went the long way around to do her laundry, leaving her daughters alone in their own bathroom time. Instead she would swing into the bathroom while my sister or I sat on the toilet surprised by her bursting through to do the laundry then she left both doors open as she went away. (THIS happened ALL THE TIME) It was both cold and awkward because moving around from the toilet seat is nearly impossible! We would often shout out for help of someone coming to close our bathroom doors for us. It was never our own mother, her laundry was by far more important then our privacy. Sometimes Dana would be so angry from this embarrassment for hours later! I closed the bathroom doors for her as soon as our mother walked through, in hopes to keep her from being so mad all day. We did tried to talk to mom about this issue but she said we were crazy to think anyone cared to see us on the toilet. (but WE cared! she didn't understand us at all) I got use to covering my tracks, ready at any moment for invasion to my hormonal naked life. My sister on the other hand didn't fare as well, she was humiliated time and again by the surprise walk through of our mother doing the laundry. Finally Dana began locking the doors to keep from being caught naked in front of everyone! My poor sister for everything I felt she felt it ten times as much, I got use to the lack of respect, I just adjusted quickly to protecting myself. Like I would wait to under dress for the bath until all was ready I could jump in quickly and lay all the way down so as the bathroom door opened I was safe from embarrassment and exposure.  I also kept folded towels right by the tub if the doors stay opened so long I would put a towel on to go close the doors again, all of my personal things would be folded and hidden from my mother busting in through the bathroom. Now I was still annoyed, but I changed my life to protect myself, I even tried to give my sister pointers but she hated all of it with such a passion because she wished she could just be a boy. When she locked those doors all hell broke loose! Dana got in trouble for this kind of rebelling action. These kind of fights between Mom and Dana continued a really long time, I honestly think now that our mother was just clueless about what she was doing. She had forgotten what it first felt like to become a woman. AND She wanted full access to us at all times, she wanted to make sure we weren't sneaking around being naked for fun:-) If my sister and I hadn't moved into our own cottage when we did, I think Dana would have ran away from home so much sooner and maybe I would have followed her. When I slept over at my friends house they all notice weird behaviors in me, like I would open their own bedroom door feeling such anxiety coming over me, it was good that most of my friends talked it out with me on why I struggled like I did. The Open doors in my household was actually ironic because that very action closed the doors in our hearts and created such resentment.  We didn't have better relationships for it, in fact it was the total opposite!

One Sunday morning when I was 16 years old I got up at 6am to take my own private bath. I knew my parents would still be in bed so my own privacy was accomplished. I also had so much hair that drying it and curling it before church took me a good hour alone. It had become important to me to have this time for myself. Dana came in while I was all ready, I was happily curling my hair,  she used the toilet while talking to me but then she seemed edgy and frustrated. She left quickly. I thought it was kind of odd that she changed her personality so fast. But then my brother Derek came in all the while I just kept curling my hair. As Derek got up from the toilet he fell back against the wall with such a horrid panic look on his face, I began to giggle as I realized why he was so scared yet he didn't say a word and I just reached across to flush without looking down. I calmly explained  " That wasn't you, it was Dana and she needs to get back in here to take care of that issue."  I was still giggling because Derek just scrambled out of the bathroom so fast not speaking and not looking back. Then I quietly left the room with curlers still stuck in my hair, I closed the door as Dana returned even more mad then before.  Years later I still laugh at that memory, I wonder what it was like for my brother to instantly think he was dying only at the age of 13? That may not have been the best way for him to learn what in meant to be a woman. But I did have a growing sense of how to respect both of them by this certain time in my life and I realized in that awkward moment sometimes the only thing you can do is to just allow the bedroom doors to close.