Lately when people tell me I am brave or fearless, I can't help but disagree because if anything having your mother almost die a few times can scare even the strongest person to their knees. I am not embarrassed to say I have been on my knees quite a bit the last couple of weeks, I am not to shy to share just how hard I have cried and how many late long nights I couldn't sleep with my mind racing, my hearts beats just like anyone else and I truly FEEL fear! I am not so brave after all, I am weak with doubts and questions, I am sadden by the struggles in deep pain that my mother has to endure! I can get angry just as fast as I can cry......
I am trying to understand myself in this new life, in this new setup with my mother in the hospital. I don't honestly know what is being brave? What is having all the right answers? What is fearless? When I hear people say that I have no fear I don't believe it.....but I do know how to breath as I shake and stand still in fear, biting my tongue or speaking my mind isn't bravery, isn't fearless it is just living with each day at a time. With or without fear I am simply just here in my life...
Debby, I think you are fearless, simply because you aren't afraid to be afraid. You're honest about your fears and hurts and doubts and anger. To be straighforward and honest about these kinds of feelings is another kind of bravery. A bravery people don't often talk about it. It's okay that you don't have all the answers. Nobody has all the answers or knows what to do all the time. I love you for being the person you are--even in this situtation! Hang in there, girl!
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