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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Good Wife

When it comes to understanding what being a wife means I
am grateful for the last 10 years of practice. At the beginning of this summer my husband got into playing pool regularly with his friends. On one particular late night as I was waiting around for him to return and fire up the BBQ. The evening turn into late night as i reach his friend's house where my husband was passed out white as a ghost. I hovered over him thinking to myself "Why can't he just look normal for hell sakes!" He had left for work earlier that morning bright red from his Niacin flush and now at 10 o'clock at night his is pure white. His friends later on told me I sounded exactly like Camellia Soprano in my demanding wifely role "TONY! Hey wake up! it's time to be home, you are being rude not visiting with your friends....TONY wake up, sit up." I knew he had drank to much on an empty stomach....happens to all of us. (Of course for myself in this situation I would have eaten a big juicy steak saying "Well if we are making cocktails I better eat up first! HA!")
A good wife, well she sees the big picture at all times......
Learning to actually BE a good wife THAT is where I am living right now. Getting into my "Camellia Soprano" voice happens all to easily. Demanding just like her in all those drama episodes to make something better out of her husband. In my own personal experience I also let go of what is NOT mine to change in my husband, this comes with a sense of I am NOT him and He is NOT me therefore who we are and what we say comes of our own responsibility. Asking from my husband a very small list of requests like "Let talk it out." or "What is going on in your world?" This allows him time to download all he is thinking about, I have learned when I am writing in the mornings he is wanting to just drink coffee and talk, so I change my routine for time on my own to write. Marriage is a give and take as everyone says, BUT it is much more instead of keeping score of who is put upon more then the other, it is about paying attention in a respectful manner. My husband can easily tell what is important to me, always stepping up to support me when I say "I need your help right now." There are NO mind games with me, I will ask for your help if I need it, for I have no shame! I will state it very clearly if I am mad at my husband so that he never has to second guess, he never has to think that in 6 months from now I will have a "Sit down" of grievances. It is handle right now or never brought up again, something I have learned along the way in simply being a wife. I also think that family discussions help in trusted groups, in opening up and wondering if our marriage functions normally or most public settings I would never dream of making my spouse look bad, yet in private explaining how I felt about the whole situation or if there is need for correction on how I saw it. The private rebuke goes a long ways then if in public, especially in trusting each other to have your back. Perhaps since Tony and I started out as friends from the beginning of our love story that allows us to keep striving for the same page. Growing up together, seeing each others life stories unfold and also praising each other for a life well lived gives us a strong foundation. I am not proclaiming to have all the answers here, I can still feel my voice change when I am strained carrying that low "TONY." like in "The Sopranos" I just think there are a few steps every wife can do to let go of creating an ideal marriage and simply enjoying the friendship!

I walked in out of the rain racing over to my husband office full of co-workers, they all turned to me as I approached "Hey Debby what does marriage mean to you?" I didn't pause or blink I replied instantly "It's living with someone who calls you out on your shit." The group burst out laughing and I regained my focus realizing I had such a fast answer for that, it must be a question I had asked of myself already! I recapped quickly through their laughter "Well, I mean it's not always about accountability, there is a friendship, romance, laughter and yet the real life stuff gets in the way sometimes..." I knew it was one of those moments I couldn't try to answer again in a more articulate way! 

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