Last day in June

This has been my favorite month of all.

A chilly year for the summer like weather, nice for traveling as Oscar is with us now in Cannon Beach. 

I love it here, my favorite place on earth in my favorite month of all!

I love my Oscar boy so much, my heart is bursting forth such joy to be here! I am in awe of it ALL!

We ran the coast line against the ocean this morning and no one was around, we played Frisbee like old times, we are old in this time actually. 

My wisdom is that my legs are sore and my breath is caught by the wind. My gray hair shines around my ears as it creeps into slowly to the rest of my head and Oscar's eye sight is bad. He ran his heart out, he also avoid the white waves of the bright blue ocean before us and barked at a log he thought was an animal until he got close enough. Being just him and I out there in the morning sun light was truly joyful!

       Oscar obeyed all of his commands, he even gladly found my husband Tony sitting up on a bench for a break. Tony said he could see Oscar limping when running in the wet sand and I had to looked his feet all over as I know old dogs sometimes just have aches and pains.

Our cottage has a fenced in yard so Oscar finds a bit of shade while I read my book on the picnic blanket as this day is pure magical! A good tribute to the best of June!

Tony and I went into town to check out all that has changed in the last 6 years......

I am in such peace of mind being here as if all is right with the world again.

I am in such love of our shared past, for our best vacations have always been here in Cannon Beach. 

I am in such hope for the future of visiting here far more then we have been able to lately, for all the early years of marriage were made better and very romantic with us visiting regularly at least twice a year when Oscar was a puppy/young dog.

We were sitting awhile all together on the bench looking out over the Oregon coast line as the morning moves us into noon. 

As time is perfect, as Oscar growls at other dogs arriving to play on the sand and I leash him up knowing his days of being a laid back happy go lucky dog have ended and he doesn't share very well anymore. 

Change is inevitable.

I am sad to say goodbye to June once again, but I am so very grateful to be here in Cannon Beach after such a long time away. 

My heart needed this place!

Tony and I sat in the Chocolate cafe this afternoon, the chairs are cozy nice and the smell is AMAZING all around us as I had a legendary chocolate milkshake, that was the very name of it so of course I will happily try it! He drank his coffee with his chocolate saying this was his kind of place!

I had never been to this chocolate cafe before, it's perfect in every way!

The fourth of July parade is coming up this week so we will remember to grab goodies here before watching it. 

I am cuddling on the couch right now with Oscar as we say goodbye to June, as we relaxed from our busy fun ocean side morning!  June is a spectacular month! I am thankful it comes around year after year bringing such wonders and promises for a great start to the best season of all, Summer time!

Missing my friend

       I was lost in hazy sadness walking the sidewalks of Nampa Idaho to all the many places my best friend Benny and I had spent so much time together when she came to stay with her mom, she would always meet me.

I was lost in memories of a thousands conversations. In all our laughter, in all our joy.

I was lost in those deep emotional and profound topics we tackled, we didn't avoid any topic to talk about and we didn't take it personal against each other if we disagreed.

I was realizing as I walked the antique shops, the yarn store and the book stores that she and I always went into together spending the whole afternoon among these places together.

In her death I am loosing the corner stone of who I am and why I believe in sisterhood. I know for a fact that women supporting women is the strongest identity of empowerment in support and in good care for each other through all things.  Some women struggle with this fact, the jealous competition has dominated their minds, or they are so afraid of being stabbed in the back when they thought they were friends in the sisterhood of life. 

I have experienced it all.

I was jealous as a kid that girls around me had a devoted friendship. I was competitive for the attention as a teenager as my sister dominated the scene. Then I found my 20th year being simply happy for everyone around whose life was bursting forth such joy and love! I was able to face the most difficult person especially in the world of women and just be a friend to them as they are not as I wish them to be. BECAUSE I had my sisterhood established with Benny and Joanie at that age in my life, I had been given a gift of sisterhood through them, I had delighted in growing up the my other beloved 3 girl friends that we never abandon each other. Tiff, Bekah and Jen were able to help me see how good life can be with friends who like you just as you are so in that big life lesson I was able to like those around me just as they are too. 

On the day Benny died I called Tiff and she asked me to hike with her to the top of the foothill that evening. She knew being nature will do me such good! When she asked what she can to do to be there for me I shared "Would you sit and watch the sunset with me?"

Life long friends are vital to our over all health.

Life long history gives us such strength when a chapter of our lives is closed.

Life long love is what makes the best kind of stories and the best kind of memories.

I walked through the old buildings of downtown Nampa, drinking my ice coffee and letting the warm tears roll down. The summer day was so beautiful and slightly hot as the day rolled on into my lost sense of time, my lost sense of purpose for this day. In a conversation on the phone my friend BreAnna advised me on why I was avoiding everyone, why I was not wanting to return home, She had to lay to rest her wonderful wise mother so I knew that her help was spot on! As she explained this time of deep grief is of me not wanting anyone to really know about it because then it will be made real. Once the story is known then I have to face it all when I am still in such shock.

I loved our conversation because she was so intuitive as I said "You are so much like your mother, you make her so proud, I wish we could all be together again! Benny and her laughing as you and I shared funny customer stories over making coffee, HA! Good times, good times!"

The sunset 6 years ago was wide open over the treasure valley in all the colors of orange which was Benny's favorite color. The sadness of my phone in the history was a long list of her number and her last note to me is found on facebook. This is how we remember as the sun sets over the whole of the earth right before our very eyes.

The ICU is a cold place with constant peeping, computers screens everywhere with wires and patches wrapped around the bed handles. The tiny rooms are full of everything needed in case of a "Code Blue." and I stood beside my mother's bed watching the different colors of lines moving above her bed. She looked so different to me in that hospital bed and yet very familiar as I always put my face to her face in talking and kissing her soft cheeks. The lonely coldness is the simply fact when living through a trauma. As I left the ICU as I thought I should grab a cup of coffee to help me warm up again.....She came towards me in the big waiting room, she had her arms wide open and I realized that I KNEW her! My best friend had stopped her whole life to be right here, right now!

I was in awe and in wonder of her devoted sisterhood as she held me while I sobbed to my knees.

I will always miss Benny, I will always be ever so grateful that I had such a great friend in my every day life and in all the hard times we were there for each other, and how we were also delighting in the simple moments like knitting while it rained outside or having a lunch on a patio while painting, walking the mall to window shop, being actual neighbors or soaking in the hot tub at a hotel making life far better for being shared!

I will always miss my friend.

                                             

Redemption is a journey

     This is one of my most favorite movies, the first time I watched it I was in my sister's bedroom because she had a huge entertainment center setup there in the country side of our little cottage, while our mother had her babies over in the main home after our chores were done, my sister and I would watch movies to catch up in what was popular in our society since we were homeschooled and closely guarded didn't get to see these kind of films in the theater. Maybe it's why I love the movie theater so much now that I am older and free to see whatever I want.

This is a movie I was able to chat about while on a date with my future husband, almost 20 years ago I have been reflecting over the profound impact of this movie.

I have been sitting in the sun just as I am, for the future is truly unknown and I am not afraid of what I can not understand. I am grateful to just be and I need nothing more then this very second of breathing and being.
I am on a journey of learning...
It's important to remember all these things this story teaches us. It's a story of old as I change into the universe.
I have to make my peace with time as it's like a river sweeping away my beautiful June days!

I am old and I am young, I am emotional and I am logical.
I am right and I am wrong, I am just as I am in all things I speak the truth, I live with grace.
It will be interesting to watch the future unfold, I hope I can hold my own in harmony in all things!



             

A Good Sunday

                           In my post in May "In My Being."   I was sharing how scary and difficult it was that my dear friends had to rush their baby boy to the hospital, since then we have worried every day. In the whole nightmare I have gone to the hospital to sit with them, my dear Molly and KJ. 

We've walked all around the hospital waiting on how his surgeries went, it's been extremely emotional and in this last surgery I was delighted over how good their sweet boy Killy looked in recovery. 

Now he has come home for Father's day this is the greatest gift for our friends. We are truly happy for them!

It's such a good Sunday!

We are grateful for such good friends like them in our lives.

Now it's Father's day, a lovely Sunday and hearing that Killy came home makes my heart burst forth such joy!

In my life all things are connected and all things are made better with love and with hope, yet it's the joy that gives breath to such goodness again!

I feel such gratefulness, such peace in this good Sunday! 

A Tough Week

 This has been a tough week, I have had a long list of concerns and events.
I had to make some big decisions and choices for my life.

I look back at each day in this tough week realizing that taking time for myself was almost impossible. I liked walking the green house and working in my gardens.

I need to allow more time for my own mind and my own heart, I like being on my own so much that I should respect that more as social as I am it's being on my own, living my own path through everything that gives me the best comfort in hard times, in my sad soul I like remembering the past.

Then when I come back to the living, the business of society I can handle it better and stronger.

This isn't ever going away my battle against time.

I want to be where I am needed and I know I can help in so many great ways to better the world around me. Yet it's my own being that needs the same care.

A tough week like this makes me love sitting in the sun.

A good song like this makes me smile to myself because I have always been the best I can be in all things so I will keep trying to not get swept away.

I am grateful for this tough week in comforting me along the way.....

Water is Life

I watched "A River Runs through it." yesterday while eating sushi in honor of my brother Derek's birthday. I kept to myself mostly realizing that time is never be the same again so this day is for my deepest grief.

I have been watering everything more as it heats up into Summer soon, my gardens are coming along and my yard edges are getting cleaned up, I planted some yellow roses and had a fire pit under the stars late into the night.

I will always honor my brother's birthday. It is good for me to let go of the distractions in life for a whole day.

I love bringing the water to the world around me.

I love singing sad songs in the morning with my coffee and watching sad movies as I bake something in the afternoon. I took a nap with my old dog Oscar on the couch after having weeded a big patch of land. I am very comfortable being alone for awhile, I think I heal better and think clearer when I take the time to just sit looking out the bedroom bay window.

I love getting old, I love being right where I am meant to be.

I don't like the fact that as I grow old people who are even older will die or people like my brother have sudden accidents then never come back home.

I understand everyone hurts, everyone grieves and everyone has to face their own way in old age. I'm grateful to be still for a day in sadness as I am ever so grateful for the friendship I had with Derek.

I let the water hose roll out into the ground under his fruit trees and strawberry patch thinking I hope he can see how good it all looks today!

Then my own watery tears comfort me.

My ghost lives in June

June is the month of true glory!

June is the time my soul deeply delights in all things!

June is the days of love and laughter with great strength in tears and time that I've capture every year!

June is the best seconds of my breath!

June is the best days of my life!

June is my most favorite month of all, in awe I am grateful for every single day of it even in my grief, in my past, in my childhood memories of celebrating my brother Derek's birthday and holding onto all those good times that each year he grew older. I am readying once again to sing happy birthday to his would of been 37 years old tomorrow.....

June is always going to be my favorite month of all because while the world wakes up into summer's warmth my tears of lost are still there being comforted by the joyful nature all around me.
My heart is forever grateful that I had such a good brother, that he was there for me as I was there for him in all things concerning our family.
I am blessed to remember him once again and to never forget our great days in June!

He will always be my ghost of June.

Joy is Strength

     

It's important to always have joy in sadness and in struggles, to be grateful for a life well lived and embrace all the emotions you feel for they all have a purpose and a job to do as you face life.

Benny and I sat together over a pitcher of Alaskan Amber and we shared a platter of fries while we talked about all these things in emotions or common sense. She was closer to me them my own sister and I will always miss her!

As I got to see her 2 kids this weekend I felt like she was right there with us smiling down from heaven tipping her glass of beer at us with that clever smile she had!

I explained to the kids in my tears how Joy is strength in hard times, how tears are meant to be let go of so that you can make room for courage and most importantly gratefulness to all the people still alive in our lives.     

Even though when we love someone so much it will always hurt to not have them with us anymore....

                     It's important to not be ashamed of grieving at any time in your life.

I said this to them both as we sat on a bench in the mall of Twin Falls Idaho telling stories and drinking smoothies. I was right where I was meant to be, I was in the heart and soul of my best friend helping her kids. Friendship is so important when sudden death and a life without the person you love the most there by your side. I bring my friendship and my humor in a real place of it's okay to cry your heart out each day for the rest of your life then embrace the goodness along the way.

I shared with them "I have learned that creating good times can't wait, it's now and it's important because the future hold sudden tragic events or a really bad, sad day that memories of all the good will hold you up while walking through any kind of darkness. Today is the day we smile and laugh and say "I love you and I am so glad you are in my life!" Because when we look back in time we can be so proud of who are in the worse time of our lives." I hugged the kids and remembering that when I was 12 years old and almost 16 years old I was living in crazy chaos and such fear of the unknown future too.   I hope I can help share that when they are 40 years old life will make deep senses in so many ways, nothing stays the same in the end and yet we are made wiser from all the years we have lived.

Sleep is changed

It's been hard facing each morning now since Sidda passed away, I hurt just thinking of her. Because her sweetness and cuddles were my favorite part in waking up!
It's been hard moving on without her and as I stayed in a hotel last night in Twin Falls Idaho after a busy fun day with Benny's kids, I realized that I would of worried a bit for Sidda not having me by her face in the morning, where she would look at me with her big brown eyes and adorable loving cute face. 
I am never going to be a world traveler because I love my animals so much more.
I struggle to even leave home when it's for fun or for family vacations because of all my love for my cats and now one dog....
Life is best lived with many critters cuddling up in bed, I miss that.
I struggle when I hear my husband say "We're not getting any more dogs, we're going to travel more and have fun." I cringe because having the pets WAS the fun in my life and all felt perfect in my care over them....
When Sidda died suddenly I realized it's the sudden deaths that always trip me up so much, I struggle far more with them then in a planning and a preparing for death. 
She would of been 16 years old this month and I know animals never live as long as we do but I sure wasn't ready.
Minnie's death was a preparation that I felt very honorable, Sidda's death was my strongest hour, for I knew if I cried she would worry about me so I waited until she was gone to really let my shock out. I have lived through my deepest fear of going to the vet's and they don't let me bring my pet home....
Time is like an hour glass glued to the table so I have to take these changes in deep breaths. I wake up now so early and get right up because staying in bed makes me sad for I look for Sidda, I am feeling like my lazy hazy days of summer are gone right with the sweetest little dog ever!

I liked road tripping over to Twin Falls this weekend seeing my friends and getting to know more about their lives as they reach the teen years. It was reminding me of the time I drove that same way with 3 dogs in the backseat of blankets and pillows. Oscar in his adorable schnauzer hair cut turned into a therapy dog the moment he saw my best friend's father in his hospital bed in their home, Benny laughed so much at how Oscar knew what to do. While her kids made him a little nervous they usually went to hug and cuddle on Minnie. It was cute to see how Minnie loved the kids, and the food they would drop too, then she would lay under the table or the coffee table when we sat visiting into the nights. I carried around a small dog bed for Sidda as she was the tiniest dog and I didn't want her getting stepped on or confused so I put her bed by me everywhere through the whole weekend. Then at bed time all 3 dogs piled into the guestroom with me and I thought this was the best adventure I have ever taken! My best friend loved having me visit that she didn't mind if I brought all my dogs so I felt truly happy to be able to see her and to keep my dogs right with me. 

As I drove out on Friday I had so many good memories from my 3 dogs in the backseat when we drove out there for that time...Our  fun friends weekend of knitting while all the Harry Potters movies played on.
 I am so grateful I had such an awesome friend like Benny, who like me just as I am with 3 dogs in tow!

Life is full of magic!

I am missing my best friend Benny so much lately as I get ready to go visit her kids, especially her almost 16 year old daughter who was only 9 years old when Benny suddenly died.
My heart has carried that situation wisely and carefully knowing one day she will ask me to share in the great adventures and memories I have of my dear girl.
Benny and I chatted on the phone so much that an hour conversation was a short call.
We made plans to meet up and get together every time she was in town, or passing through.....
The last time I saw her was for dinner after her father's funeral to tell me all about it and share in what I deeply understood the topic of grief.
Of course I hadn't fallen through it's painful web fully yet while we talked. Her husband had taken the kids over to play video games as she tearfully said how she isn't the same person anymore. I walked her to the car of her family loading up to go back to Twin Falls as the spring season felt warm and the stars were out above us.
She looked so beautiful and so stylish in her office style clothes and hair curled a bit while red eyes and a big hug she laughed out loud at something I said as I waved goodbye.
I was always do that just seeing her right when she texted me and right when she was available because my life is far more flexible and I blended well into whatever social situation that she was facing. Benny will always be the smartest woman I have ever known, she was wise and aware while admitting she didn't know something when it came up in our hundreds of topics to talk about.
I am remembering so much about her again as the anniversary of her sudden death is appoarching, Our love for sharing the Harry Potter books started way back in time in my first apartment when she came to live with me for a month. That was when she and I went to the second film together too and we were loyal fans all the way to the end!
I had bought her a ticket for the midnight hour of the last movie, of the last part...I even made up the guestroom for her to sleep over and for us to enjoy the weekend together celebration the end of the Harry Potter stories. She was held up and had to cancel her trip. I easily gave the ticket away in a group of friends as I enjoyed the movie in the almost all night-er thinking to myself how everything good comes to an end. These characters are life long friends, these gifts in sharing my love for all of this with Benny is also a life long story!
Life is FULL of magic, full of love and wonder! I get to be one of the people who sees it and feels it and in true awe I get to LIVE IT!
I find my best friend Benny every time I open the pages of my most favorite books of all. Or when I hear the music play as the movie starts up!
How truly amazing it is to have Harry Potter in our shared life time.
I sure miss my friend.

June is here

I am in awe of June, after our rainy May everything is so green and so beautiful outside.
I am focused on my memories of my best Friend Benny who passed away suddenly in June of 2013.
I am processing so many things right now on such a deep level that I know it takes tears and strength to face the future.....
I am in awe of summer coming alive so quickly all around me!
I am ready to be my very best self among all the unknown things that I am trying to understand better.
I am ever so grateful to be in June again, to breath in such beauty all around me!
It's time to break the shell and handle whatever comes next.....
I sure miss my Benny girl and all our years of being such good friends!

Life is an endless lesson

It's hard to realize the story of life we dream up isn't always the reality nor is it easy to walk the path of right and wrong everyday without making a mistake once in awhile. It's the facing of the truth, the sharing of the struggles in being that gives us hope for our future even if that story is now changed, never to be the way it was. 

We make a choice every day when we awake in how we will live.
We are always changing given more information or taken under traumas.
We reinvent and adapt ourselves to the endless lessons we face, we think today differently then when we live in to the tomorrow for after today we have more information to change ourselves again.

I am thinking over how one has to be ready for a new challenge or a new story in being alive at all times.

I am reminiscing quite a bit lately because  I knew while living in those 'good old days." I was in such a great place! I was in the delight of all things, grateful for all such great memories! Knowing as I did then that I will look back in joy for loving who I was!
Now those memories help me feel stronger for these new challenges I am facing.........
I am brave, I am courage, I am strength, I am light, I am joy, I am stronger then I was back in the day, I am proud of every single day of my life, I am proud of my thoughts, of my words and of my ways in sharing my life. 
And I am grateful for all the  friendships I had who all have passed away now......and who are new to my time.
I reminisce becomes it comforts me so much, yet I will never go back and make the same mistakes again. 
Life is an endless lesson.
Therefore I am always learning, sometimes teaching but always learning.
I am trying not to hide away from the future yet I am tired that it's not unfolding in an easier way, I keep thinking that I have lived through so much it's time to share in a lazy happy chapter of this story in living my life.

While only goodness can shine out best when bad times come to pass.
I am my own being in all things.

Time is gone.

It was 2003 when I turned on the little TV we had, it played quietly on a stool in the wide open living room of soft gray carpet and bright white walls.
We had a old pink couch, stretched out long enough for 4 people to sit at a time, it was scratchy material I hated so I would simply put soft bed sheets and blankets all over it, it looked like a mini bed with pillows too. I loved it's messy look, it's cozier feeling setup like that.
In the corner was a new recliner big and bulky, it was cream leather I hated that feeling too. It's been of my experience that leather furniture is the worse. It's gets super cold when it is cold and super hot when it's hot, it feels like you slide right out of it if you don't hang on to the frame in some way. I had a big blue blanket on that chair. It was heavy and awkward so I never tried to move it while I vacuumed.  (When you first get married like we did in July of 2003 the furniture is the least of your focus)  We had all of our money going towards our monthly rent of 600 dollars. It felt like a huge amount looking back, We both worked full time, I would walk to my job since we had just one car and I would often get home long before my husband so I would cook dinner and do all the homemaking things I still love doing to this day!
We lived on the second floor so the balcony was were we usually ate our meals and I loved always keep that door open. We were given a bed as a wedding gift from my husband's mother so that was the only real piece of furniture I loved, big and fluffy with 6 pillows and lacy sheets I would wash everything in lavender soap and keep huge vases of fresh lavender in each corner of the bed room. White and purple were my colors back then, the bathroom was in the ever popular "Finding Nemo."  to which my husband would joke about how he doesn't have any kids he just has a wife who wants to be a a kid again. The second room slowly grew into an office and the kitchen opened up into the living room as I loved cooking while listening to the TV.
I often cook up stir fry or pastas, my baking always made me feel at peace in my little home.
The dessert was always the last out of the oven and just as my husband walked in saying "Wow! I could smell that from the parking lot! I am glad it's coming from my home!"
In pouring wine glasses and handing him a plate of lasagna I would feel like being married is the best decision I have ever made!
In the timing of the TV for evenings our favorite channel was HBO. We always followed weekly the "The Sopranos." together and then I said "I just saw a preview for a new western that will be so AWESOME! I can't wait!"
In watching "Deadwood." as it aired in 2004 I sat in awe of how they talked, with such deep elegant lost language I was impressed that I understood what they were saying for the most part, the story was thrilling while it was the way they spoke that hook us into it instantly and I would laugh at the clear cut profanity after having studied the dialogue intensely. Those cuss words would pop out at me in a sudden way of showing how people are always the same in the end.  I would roll my eyes saying "He offers women as if they are as equal to liquor." my husband nods explaining "That's why I say women are safer now then ever before in history."  The show took us through some very powerful moments in the story and it was the first series I ever scream out loud in my reaction while watching!
"Deadwood" has charm and depth that I will always cherish, not just for the time that is now gone, but also making this movie 16 years later. It's all apart of remembering for me.........

We loved the movie so much that we have watched it twice now.
We reminiscence to the old stories of the first 3 seasons that was canceled abruptly. 
We can see our own gray hair coming in as the movie gave all the characters a 10 year advance.

I remember turning on the TV when I got home form work hearing the theme song from "Deadwood." play and I knew it was going to be a great night as I roasted the veggies in the oven while listening. 

Being in the year 2004 again was nice as the movie unfolded and I remembered why I loved this story so much. The movie captured the same classy way they conversed in a deep language I love! Then of course revealing the true human way of saying "Murdering thieving cocksucker." and I nod back that yup, no matter how old we get there will always be bullies among us!  
Since we first captured "Deadwood." in it's debut my husband and I have quoted that show a million times over! 
My favorite line of Jane Cannery's is "I will lay you out as soon as look at ya!" She did an excellent job in the movie having revealed one can over come drinking so much after all.
My husband often quotes E.B. Farnum with "Damp Palms run in my family." or "E.B. was left out!" We have our favorite episodes, our favorite characters.....
The time we quoted a scene word for word back and forth in a family dinner at his Mom's home that had everyone laughing so hard they almost fell off their chairs and while we hadn't even planned it to be such perfect timing, we laughed too. It's moment like that, quotes like that which make for a great memory!

I think this show will always be one of a kind, set apart simply from how well it is written and how quickly the viewer is taken in to the stories so naturally. 
I can understand if its not for everyone but I sure am glad they made a movie as equal to the drama series as it can get with all these years later!

When the news coverage threatens war for us as a nation I hear myself quoting Al Swearengen 
"Tell you God to ready for blood."

Time is gone but not forgotten, we are made wiser and strong for it all in the end.

James Blunt 'Face The Sun'

The first day of June is always very important to me in counting down the next 30 with such joy and such delight!
The whole month holds such strength for me.
I am always embracing such wonders in nature as the weather holds up.
I am always entertaining such great times on the patio and I truly love all the fire pit nights under the open sparkling sky!
I am always ready for June!
The summer begins soon, the sun stays up longer and the gardens grow bigger so in every single way I love this month so much!
The days ahead hold such Joy under the clear blue sky and the dark green trees as the water from the river feels great on my feet and as I turn to face the sun!