Missing my friend

       I was lost in hazy sadness walking the sidewalks of Nampa Idaho to all the many places my best friend Benny and I had spent so much time together when she came to stay with her mom, she would always meet me.

I was lost in memories of a thousands conversations. In all our laughter, in all our joy.

I was lost in those deep emotional and profound topics we tackled, we didn't avoid any topic to talk about and we didn't take it personal against each other if we disagreed.

I was realizing as I walked the antique shops, the yarn store and the book stores that she and I always went into together spending the whole afternoon among these places together.

In her death I am loosing the corner stone of who I am and why I believe in sisterhood. I know for a fact that women supporting women is the strongest identity of empowerment in support and in good care for each other through all things.  Some women struggle with this fact, the jealous competition has dominated their minds, or they are so afraid of being stabbed in the back when they thought they were friends in the sisterhood of life. 

I have experienced it all.

I was jealous as a kid that girls around me had a devoted friendship. I was competitive for the attention as a teenager as my sister dominated the scene. Then I found my 20th year being simply happy for everyone around whose life was bursting forth such joy and love! I was able to face the most difficult person especially in the world of women and just be a friend to them as they are not as I wish them to be. BECAUSE I had my sisterhood established with Benny and Joanie at that age in my life, I had been given a gift of sisterhood through them, I had delighted in growing up the my other beloved 3 girl friends that we never abandon each other. Tiff, Bekah and Jen were able to help me see how good life can be with friends who like you just as you are so in that big life lesson I was able to like those around me just as they are too. 

On the day Benny died I called Tiff and she asked me to hike with her to the top of the foothill that evening. She knew being nature will do me such good! When she asked what she can to do to be there for me I shared "Would you sit and watch the sunset with me?"

Life long friends are vital to our over all health.

Life long history gives us such strength when a chapter of our lives is closed.

Life long love is what makes the best kind of stories and the best kind of memories.

I walked through the old buildings of downtown Nampa, drinking my ice coffee and letting the warm tears roll down. The summer day was so beautiful and slightly hot as the day rolled on into my lost sense of time, my lost sense of purpose for this day. In a conversation on the phone my friend BreAnna advised me on why I was avoiding everyone, why I was not wanting to return home, She had to lay to rest her wonderful wise mother so I knew that her help was spot on! As she explained this time of deep grief is of me not wanting anyone to really know about it because then it will be made real. Once the story is known then I have to face it all when I am still in such shock.

I loved our conversation because she was so intuitive as I said "You are so much like your mother, you make her so proud, I wish we could all be together again! Benny and her laughing as you and I shared funny customer stories over making coffee, HA! Good times, good times!"

The sunset 6 years ago was wide open over the treasure valley in all the colors of orange which was Benny's favorite color. The sadness of my phone in the history was a long list of her number and her last note to me is found on facebook. This is how we remember as the sun sets over the whole of the earth right before our very eyes.

The ICU is a cold place with constant peeping, computers screens everywhere with wires and patches wrapped around the bed handles. The tiny rooms are full of everything needed in case of a "Code Blue." and I stood beside my mother's bed watching the different colors of lines moving above her bed. She looked so different to me in that hospital bed and yet very familiar as I always put my face to her face in talking and kissing her soft cheeks. The lonely coldness is the simply fact when living through a trauma. As I left the ICU as I thought I should grab a cup of coffee to help me warm up again.....She came towards me in the big waiting room, she had her arms wide open and I realized that I KNEW her! My best friend had stopped her whole life to be right here, right now!

I was in awe and in wonder of her devoted sisterhood as she held me while I sobbed to my knees.

I will always miss Benny, I will always be ever so grateful that I had such a great friend in my every day life and in all the hard times we were there for each other, and how we were also delighting in the simple moments like knitting while it rained outside or having a lunch on a patio while painting, walking the mall to window shop, being actual neighbors or soaking in the hot tub at a hotel making life far better for being shared!

I will always miss my friend.