Becoming the New Routine

            It was one week after we laid Minnie to rest that I almost step on Sidda, for she was laying in the exact place Minnie always did. I had never seen Sidda do this so it truly surprised me as I said "What in the world is wrong with ya? You never lay here like that before?" Then I couldn't find her one afternoon for she was napping deeply in Minnie's crate, then I realized how she was laying in all the old places of Minnie. It was at the same time I thought she was very sick because she wouldn't get up in the mornings at all. In fact waking up to her by my feet was strange since I usually woke up with her by my face instead, Minnie's place on the bed was by my feet.....

In the last 2 years now Sidda has been very sensitive to sadness, especially my sadness as not a single day has gone by that I don't cry either first thing in the morning or late at night or any time through out the day, I am comfortable with my grief so I know I will this way for the rest of my life, yet having Sidda by my side has been a huge comfort! She knows that all she has to do is come to me as I cry and give me snuggles, she gives me paw pats on my wet cheeks and licks on my nose then she dances for me and I laugh through my tears. She gets me outside right away and she watches over me with such intent of hoping I will not cry anymore, it has worked like this in our routine that I know while we cried over Minnie she was deeply upset. 

Sidda looked and listened for Minnie so clearly understood by us that we talked about how she would stand in the bedroom waiting  and waiting to see Minnie run in from outside and jump into the bed first. Because Sidda always waited for Minnie to get into bed first so then she could get up and settled in after Minnie's bulldozing was over. 

They did everything together with Minnie pushing herself first and with Sidda hanging back in watching and listening, since Minnie adapted to being deaf she would lay up next to Sidda so she could wake up from a nap by Sidda responding first. Sidda's sisterly care for Minnie was such a delight to watch, such a sweet companionship to witness. Our sweet Sidda gets along with anyone or any dog, I have admired her from the start! For even back in the days that I would dog sit her and she happily snuggled into Oscar I knew she was one of a kind little dog. Her sadness was a slow process in realizing after a week that Minnie wasn't ever coming back, she began to deeply grieve. It was a special kind of sadness for Sidda to look all over the home for her Minnie girl, to sleep in all the places that still had Minnie's smells lingering. To only go outside in late afternoon under the warmth of the high sun shine and to sink deep into my arms like she was defeated from worrying about where is Minnie to acceptance that Minnie isn't here anymore. 

Oscar had no love for Minnie in the last 2 years so he bounced about the backyard while we played Frisbee and ran around until he was wiped out, He was concern for Sidda in her sadness and he would lay down to be at her level and play. She would soon be running a frenzy with him and loving life as spring returned to us all again. 

Sidda's sadness was true to form just like herself in every way it was very sweet, she spent 2 weeks being clearly very sad and while she was sad I noticed how she still played with Oscar and the cats, then she would go back into Minnie's pillows, with a sigh, with a snuggle she would put herself deep into the very same place Minnie always laid.

 Now Sidda has returned to her normal routine without Minnie up against her, without waiting to get into bed last so that Minnie won't step on her. Now she seems to be coming into her own space after grieving over Minnie to sweetly delighting over everything once again, I see in Sidda that she is playing more and napping better outside in warm spring sun, she isn't watching over Minnie anymore and so she really relaxes once again. 

My heart is bursting with such love of my old pets, as I woke up this morning with Oscar by my hip, Tinker on my head and Jazzy on my chest and  Sidda in my face as she should be!

All is well once again, All is well with our souls!

Becoming the Ocean

We are all on this earth to share, to live side by side in shared stories and laughter. In shared adventures and achievements. We are all here to live the best life we can in learning and in being.
We are all the same heart beat and the same breath of fresh air, yet we are all very different in our personalities, in our emotional reactions and in our mind's eye we see the world in so many different ways. When we begin our lives we grow slowly from the crib to the play pen to the home of our parents with the companionship of our siblings or our pets into public places with other children our own age to play or to discover together a whole new world through our eyes opens up into a call of living together, in living and in creating with our life. When our social circles face a trauma or a crisis we begin to realize our time is coming to an end, we realize that the future isn't open wide as it was when we were kids together.....
Becoming the end is apart of our living journey we are aware and we are able to feel together just how important it all was being family or being friends maybe if we are lucky we are both!
We are all so different, we are all so important to each other in all those little stories along the way....
We can help each other, we can teach each other, we can learn from each other as well in accepting each other just as we are. When we are not afraid of those so drastically different from us we create a balanced life full of joy, of love and of rich happiness. We are all becoming the end together in so many different ways, in so many different stories, different experiences. Life and Death is a balancing fact inside of each one of us as we live, as we begin we already know we will end so I think this simple fact helps us prioritize our time better, we don't waste time we quite honestly appreciate it.
The first time I saw the ocean as a young adult I knew one day I will be an old lady who walks out there and never comes back, that vision I had made me smile proudly and feel instantly at peace. All the issues at the time I was dealing with melted away and I was just being.
I was just admiring the waves and the wide open side of the earth knowing I am becoming my own story from beginning to the end, my last day on earth will be of me in my mind's eye or in real form embracing the ocean fully this is the magic of all life that we all share, that we can be ever so grateful for!

25 Days later...

      I was just writing yesterday about how much I dream and how much I love it.

So when I woke up this morning I felt so amazing!

I was truly so happy for I had such a surprise dream that now it makes 25 days ago when we put Minnie to sleep. 
I had laid with her on the floor of our home where she had a perfect morning on her last day, I had kept my face in hers so she could smell me and know me while being sedated. She was so deeply loved and so deeply connected to us through thick and thin we rescued her after having our lives turned upside down in every way, and we were heading right into the unknown and unplanned life of chaos and poverty. YET she came to us still.....

She gave us laughter when we wanted to just cry.

She cuddled up each and every night right by our sides.

She never met a dog or a person she didn't like, (Except she didn't like my sister).

She was happy with nothing if it meant she was still with us in our day events.

She woke up every morning even in our most struggling of days she woke up with joy and gratefulness to still be alive so that gave us a better sense that our worries will not last nor can they be more important then enjoy this imperfect way of life. She helped us just see life as it is and not as it should be.

She will always be the sweetest dog I have ever known, no desire to dominate others and no desire to  stay outside for long. She would go inside and lay her head on the open door frame to watch the other pets be outside because she really liked being inside more. Minnie had a soft devoted look on her face in every moment of seeing us or going with us to a new place. This look told a story of survival that she will never forget, before she hit the 'jackpot." with us she had to stay alert and stay alive in very scary and confusing ways in which her eyes told a story of old even though she was probably very young maybe 4 years old when she came to live with us in the winter of 2012. 

Minnie Mouse Shively was a great family dog, kids laid on her and cats too!

She never snapped back if she was annoyed instead she simply move away or hid under things. She communicated with grunts and groans instead of barking much. If when she could still hear the thunder storms never fazed her as long as she was in her home or on her bed she was right where she wanted to be, and made her a visually happy dog.

So last night I dream of her, in my amazement I saw her a long couch in my dream she was young and healthy looking with that big sweet grin and tongue hanging out a bit, Those brown eyes were shinning with joy and happiness as she was on the really long not normal long couch full of children I have never met. These children were saying "Here's Minnie! Here's Minnie, she's right here! SEE!" I laughed and hugged these kids as they bounced all around Minnie on the couch with them. I said in my dream knowing I was dreaming "Well good, thank you for finding her!" I was amazed this couch was in a garden not living room after all as my brother Derek came to me yet he was just a kid too. This surprised me for I had not seen his 10 year old self in my dreams before! I was alarmed for a moment in my dream last night as the couch full of children loved on Minnie Mouse my kid brother said to me like he often did back when he was 10 and I was 13 years old. "Don't worry so much, everyone is doing good."   and I woke up so very very happy!

I woke up this morning knowing it's true, my dreams are the best they have ever been as life is getting harder then ever before!

I miss my brother Derek always, and now I miss my Minnie dog too. They are tucked safely in a place that I can see in my dreams.

The Dream world | the lost art of wonder

I dream every single night.
I have dreamed through out my whole life from as far back in my 4 decades as I can ever remember. 
I believe those dreams have taught me something along the way and have directed my next morning choices through out my whole life.
Example I dreamed that I am almost drowned as a kid and so I asked my mother for swimming lessons the very next day. My whole life is motivated by what I dreamed the night before and what topic I need to learn about or address in my life that is unfinished.
I dream so clearly usually that when a dream gets way to weird my husband will say "See, that's normal because dreams don't need to have purpose or reason there are not hidden agendas or deep meanings in dreams. They are simply not real as the brain fires off energy while going to sleep or almost waking up."  
I agree that I will always look for the profound and the amazing in my dreams, simply on my own I truly enjoy them all the time. It is very rare to have a bad dream or a scary story pop into my head. Yet when it does I never forget that dream not ever. The fear is fussing fact of never forgetting what was so terrifying about that dream. I am not a complicated person, I don't any medication or rarely even pain killers, I am not into smoking pot or eating mushrooms and I sure as hell never tried drugs. I dream as clearly and as vividly as being awake, I really like that place in my dreams were I am bursting forth such happiness and such perfect peacefulness of knowing I am right where I am meant to be, just here in my own dream.
I have had some the greatest conversation with my father in my dream, the one person I never knew how to talk to while growing up, That one person who challenged me all the time because I was so drastically different then him, and yet I always tried to understand why he was the way he was? I think I was more like him then either of us realized so by trying to teach me to be smart or strong he had to behave so aggressively with me because I was born not aggressive at all. The world can be seen as full of weak and strong people, I dream once that my father said to me directly and calmly "I don't know how you can be so open, be so honest and real without attracting such bad people to take advantage of you for it." in my dream I liked talking to him as easily as my best friend on these thoughtful things. I explained to him that I was born already strong and smart so no matter who I meet I can hold my own in good behavior and good manners so that when they make their move in being mean to me they have already lost. They have to live with themselves, so I don't have to get involved with them for long. Dreams are not real and I completely get that. 
That conversation with my father was a conversation with myself in the dream he was never really there but he represent unfinished dialogue. And I don't like unfinished anything so I dream up important topics and come to a feeling of closure on my own.
This is why I have such amazing dreams! Empowering perfect places that all is well and all is completed! I am often waking up in the morning with a feeling of "What a great dream that was! I loved talking over a beer with my best friend like that!" or I smile hoping I will dream again to talk more with my father about history, religion and politics. My husband reminds me that dreams are really just me talking to myself so I know that by seeing in my dream how easy it is to talk to a family member after all I take that new idea into real life. I feel empowered by my dreams to not live in fear or in a guarded uncertain way. 
I will never loose my art of wonder!  I honor my dreaming world as a true gift of insight and of comfort!
I just saw my brother Derek there in my dreams a day or so ago and he warned me, he came in such a hurry and he couldn't stay long but he said "You are in danger. You can't share how easily it is to find you in the dream world then all sorts of people will haunt you! People are coming to take advantage of you so I had to swing by and let ya know." I smiled and hugged my brother as I felt once again happier then I have in such a long time. I replied "I won't let anyone take advantage, I'm not going to stop dreaming just because it can get scary." 
I woke up realizing I am not going to stop living just because it can get so hard, so difficult to grow older. I am not going to be as naive as I once was that is a true fact but I am not going to shutting down and closing myself off from the wonders of all things that I delight in.
I dream to learn, I dream to connect and I dream to wonder,
For being awake and going to sleep is all so intertwined for me in balancing my life.

Becoming Honest and Brave

In a world of religion and judgement, in a society of rules and need for control it's easy for me to understand better as I am older that the fear of rejection is real and being different is a true danger.
I never got that back in my 20's with all my "still in the closet" friends, I was bold and brave in telling them to own it and just be themselves as real as they can be.
I never thought that real evil would threaten them for being in same sex relationships, because if God is love and if Jesus spoke in the bible about he who is without sin can throw the first stone. Yet now I realize the fact that Jesus had to talk to an angry mob with rocks ready to throw at someone then evil is dripping from the bible like real blood and yet we accept that story as "the OLD ways in handling people different from the rest."  I am wiser now, I am aware that being bold and brave in who you are can get you killed, can make your whole life pure hell. Yet it's important to judge who to trust and who to be your true self with....
In a world of right and wrong, black and white clear cut judgement then I warn very clearly "Tread lightly and be wise." It's not my youthful defiance of "Be proud of who you are, stand your ground and live your best life possible." that only works if you live in a safe society. All religion is corrupted, all the people in charge of it have learn to adapt and edit those rules for today's world yet I can clearly see the not very safe ways people live in their quest to serve God above the best life for others.
In "6 Feet Under." I adored David he reminded me of people I know very well, He gave me such new insight to the word "Caution." 
I had a deep conversation with my best friend Benny about this show and these scenes as she explained to me "It's not easy for most people to be disowned by their parents, because they think that if those people who created them don't like them then they must be really bad people in the end." I resorted with a snort "That's ridiculous! There are tons of people out there having babies they wish they didn't have, or they don't like the way those kids turned out. As sad as it is the kids need to learn that it's far more important to be proud of who they are and be the kind of person that makes the world a better place!" Benny laughed and nodded proudly of me as she replied "I wish it was as easy as you see it, What a wonderful world that you live in, no wonder you are always happy." I chuckled explaining "I have been disowned and disliked, I have been bullied and made fun of so I know I am not wasting any of my time not being the best person I can be in my life time. I wish everyone could embrace their own happy endings. BE who they are in full light and in full love!"
Now I am older with Benny gone to our Hogwarts Heaven and I feel less sure that communities will be their best self if allowed be honest and brave.....
Spring is a season of births in creating a new world, we are just a few years away from a Utopia if every parent gave their babies the perfect environment to live with love always. I am cautious now as I am older realizing that as long as we have religion we will have such evilness to fight against, so I hope David's bravery can inspire us all to be our real selves even when it gets so difficult and so dangerous. I will be honest getting older makes being brave feel even harder then ever before....yet Love is my first heart beat in whatever I have to face in the future. And I believe it can get better....maybe even safer for all if we become better people.

Becoming Time

My brother Davis and I were talking about movies the other day and he joked about the movie director M. Knight Shyamalan  just as I said "He's one of my favorites!" Then Davis laughed nodding his head replying back "I can see that. He's the guy who makes movies while saying "Ask me what it means, ask me what it means." I laughed how very true...
I smiled in sharing "You have got to watch "Signs." It's awesome in every way! My favorite is "The village." yet I can re watch "Lady in the water." all the time too. I saw "The Happening." all by myself that was a mistake! I think I have seen most of his movies, even "Glass." was great for those of us getting old!"
The 20 years difference between my brother and me often leaves me realizing he hasn't seen the landmark movies or these profound shows I have loved my whole life. "Signs." was in-sync with my actual life time as I discovered how there are only 2 types of people in our society, those who believe in a higher power watching out for them and those who don't. The perfect balance is so very rare to find in a single person that this movie shares why in sudden death we are challenged and in looking back we see the whole story the whole purpose in the end.
I love how "Stories of Old." share about this incredible film. 
I love how talking about movies and about stories is seen by the younger generation like my baby brother. He reminds me every single day that time has moved on and it's never slowing down so I embrace the new adventures he is having in his now 20's as I also enjoy being in my 40's.

When Davis and I were chatting about movies in that moment I shared some of my thoughts and he looked so amused in replying "Careful Sis, Your Christianity is showing." and I laughed so hard how clever is he? How true to form my principles in life's right and wrong or questions of God come first from my back ground in Christianity. Time with my brothers always cheers me up!

Becoming Real

My husband Tony loves Nicholas Cage movies, he gets excited for another "National Treasure." to come out and I will always love when he stood up cheering in the movie theater for Nicholas Cage appeared in a preview just after all the young girls were screaming over a preview of the latest "Twilight."  He was the only man in that room with me watching a Harry Potter so he could see how time has shifted and he was lost to why all the screaming was unfolding as I leaned over explaining "It's Twilight....He's a werewolf." my husband left that movie asking me when did we get so old?
He's cheering for Nicholas Cage was priceless as the whole crowded theater was silent only one father clapped and laughed with us as Tony shouted out "He's my hero! my main man! Wooohoo!" 
It was a classic moment and a great memory of how fast life can shift into pop culture, as you may know the names of all the movie stars 10 years later suddenly you don't.....
I love to tease my husband whenever he gets excited about a movie Nicholas Cage is in by saying dreamily "He's best movie is always going to be "City of Angels." He rolls his eyes and says "Stop! No that's not true, he's done way better since then...next you'll say "Family Man." is your second favorite of him...please." I laugh and nodded while smiling at how fun it is to know all the same movies with each other. I think the older we get the less we really know about new things, new movies or new actors. So there is comfort in remembering our own youthful movie theater going days of dating. I still go to the movies and I love theaters in the afternoons all quiet and open while I drink my coffee or eat my popcorn. I like being on my own so much that I worry maybe it's not healthy?
I will always love the big screen in a public place with darkness all around as I discover a whole new world from the film!
I watched "City of Angels." in the theater when it was first released in 1998, the poster on the wall of the movie theater made me think it was a lovey dovey story so I went alone knowing how annoying it is to take someone who gets uncomfortable or bored.  I truly delighted in the film, in the story so I often bring it back into conversation whenever I hear Nicholas Cage's name.

The message of the film is true there is always a cost in becoming real, in becoming your best self.
You have to be brave first and foremost, everything else is out of your control.

Becoming Grief

All of time and all of life is connected to grief, we might learn this when we are young or when we are old but we learn it nevertheless, and if we can learn how to handle it then we will not be the ones to say such horrible things from our lack of understanding, we will be able to avoid making someone feel worse then they already do while they grieve. It's easy to think we should all follow certain guidelines in order to do our best yet not everyone will feel or think the same when grief comes upon them.   
I have been explaining to others where I am, how I feel and what it's like in hopes for their support or simple kindness. I use this very example of the ocean as she explains here in tedtalk that makes me realized how I am not the only one who has come up with this helpful way of sharing.

I am grief, I will cry every single day of the rest of my life and I do, yet some days are better and some days are truly full of goodness and life!
I will still cry in joy, in love and in grace this is my way of being.

The more we are honest and real the more others can heal and learn from how it really feels becoming grief while facing the future.
I am very aware it doesn't get any easier from here, and I am at peace with that fact that now is the time of teaching and explaining for all of death is pain and loss. 

On a rainy day the sun light reveals a rainbow, you can see the bittersweet symphony in all of life, and you can carry the best kind of sympathy in your every day breath.

The New World | The Lost Art of Grief

In living with grief I have learned that it's a way of life, an art form in existing.  It is always in me, with me and a part of me. It IS me, I am grief and grief is me.
I enjoyed this movie as real and as romantic yet in real life these things move forward through time and struggle. I think being aware, being older and knowing lost in apart of being alive. While I am grief I am also love, I am also joy and peace of mind. It's important to me for my sorrow, for my ceremony of remembrance of who I am grieving for while I also count my blessings and my gains in seeing them for what gifts they are to me as I know everything will no last as it is now.
I love Stories of Old on youtube this is a great review, when we avoid grief we avoid our humanity, our truth. I will always honor the emotions I live with and give gratefulness to being alive with pain or with peace. It's a honor to learn the art of grief, which comes at such a cost of the broken heart that we have to experience in order to step forth into the wisdom and the grace of carrying on into the future.

Becoming Calm

         

It's not far from here maybe an hour's drive to Idaho City where the mountains are beautiful, the river moves along the road as I always think it's breath taking beautiful.
I have been to The Springs not far from the small town surrounded by pine tree and true beauty. I think of that place as pure magical to be in the mountains soaking in the hot spring pool while seeing such wide open sky. I first heard of this place 6 years ago and when my friend Tiffany took me in 2017 I knew I would be back because my husband would LOVE the place in a heart beat!
I have mentioned it before I know in the fun day my Mom was able to go, my brother Davey and I worked together to make sure she was safe while being with her own friends. She wanted it to be hotter then it was yet the hottest pool wasn't going to be easy for her to soak in so we kept her in the warmest corner of the big pool, the dressing room smells like lavender and the ease of the big showers had me getting her showered and dressed very easily. Yet it was a big event day that she both enjoyed and got impatient about. I have gone there after that day in awe that we were able to get her there, to do all of that behind the scenes work to see her smiling and talking to her friends in the hot springs.
For my 40th birthday my Husband took me there, we steamed in the steam room then quickly found a place to sit in the pool enjoying our wine while talking, the snowy mountains and cold wind kept us in place for our fun event. I was delighted for that full day of sun shine and our conversations on what my 40th year will look like. I am glad my husband loves that place just as much as I do, because it is fun to relax together. 
Also or my birthday gift my sister-in-law Stephanie took me there for a lovely early spring afternoon. She has been a very supportive caring friend in our going older family, since our husbands are brothers we have very much in common, we enjoy all good times sharing in our family. We soaked in the lovely clear day delighting in becoming calm. We have a history now in all the ups and downs, in those years we didn't get along we talk about how we grew stronger and better from that as well. I love how we agree that each new day is a new story for our lives and as I always say we can reinvent ourselves at any moment we decide we don't like who we are or we have better information to improve from.
That day was truly special. I loved just being girls together, just being in a relaxing hot springs with the first sight of spring arriving. 
Becoming calm comes with getting old, with making peace with those in our lives and finding closure for the past while holding onto hope for the future that the moment of right now is vital to understand how beautiful and perfect it is as you just soak, just be.

I love the springs, I love being out in the mountain side that surrounds the pool and hot tub of the spa. It's such a calming environment that I know being there is so important to slow down even though time will not.  
I think my 40th year is going to be amazing! I think I am going to like slowing down to enjoy the season changes even more then before.... 

Becoming Timeless

                 

In the week leading up to laying our Minnie girl to rest, I spent every single day all day long at home. My husband was very grateful I gave his favorite dog so much love and comfort in her last days with great treats and good foods. He ordered on line a special gift for me as a comfort and a thank you from him in helping him through this very hard time in his life.

I was both surprised and in awe to receive the complete series of "Journey Man."  If you have read from my posts in the past that TV series was amazing to me in 2008 when it aired on regular prime time. The way we watch anything now is on streaming at our own schedule which is pure wonderful and relaxing because we control more then ever before what we want to watch.
When "Journey Man." was on it was fascinating to watch while folding my laundry or deep cleaning my kitchen I could look up at the screen to catch such interesting story lines.
Then suddenly in only one season it was gone. A tragic loss of entertainment to me because of the huge Hollywood writer's strike and it never made a come back so I was left to talk about it year after year I would make a joke or share idea in time travel. My husband had never seen the show in actual time but He always laughed at me when I brought it back up as one of the best shows I had ever seen.
A few weeks ago at his work while they were talking about TV shows that they all really liked one of his co-workers said that "Journey Man." was a tragedy of the writer's strike in 2007/2008. 
My husband was stunned to hear this from anyone other then me! He laughed so much thinking how shock he was that other people missed that show as much as I did!
He ordered this one of a kind find for me in hopes that on the day we laid to rest Minnie then I could be comforted by an old favorite show. I watched the first 4 episode back to back that long first night without Minnie, it helped to be comforted by how good this show still is! Those sad nights in the first week of really missing Minnie I watched on in true joy a show I will always love! A TV series that reminds me of being 28 years old in a cozy clean condo cooking dinner to the theme song of everything moving backwards. This gift is timeless, these 13 episodes are a complete classic with a great ending that could of gone on into being as popular on the TV screen as "Lost." or  "ER." who knows what it could of become if the writers strike hadn't happened. So much like Dan Vasser I want to be able to go back in time and fix the problems maybe be of some kind of help!  My husband did admit this show is actually really good and interesting, he still thinks I am funny to carry on for 11 years about it. I truly believe that when something is so very good it becomes timeless, it's an idea that is shared no matter the time line or the culture.
I love reading the DVD case and knowing this was a real show that I happened to catch on the fly of living my brilliant life back then!

7 days later....

It's been a long week, a sad simple rainy week of not having Minnie under foot while I cook, of not having Minnie snoring loudly at night as I rub her soft belly and wake up to her bad breath panting excitedly that it's time to go outside.

After the first night with her gone my husband Tony said "The house is WAY to quiet, it's really creepy actually." I giggled and nodded for I had told him over the years when any kind of pet drama or any kind of noisy night unfolded upon us that one day he will miss it all, so take a deep breath just take it all in and do your best! BE in the moment of right now and loved it all for the day will  come when it's all completely gone.

Minnie's death was a safe comfortable way to go, We scheduled Gentle Goodbyes to come to our home. I had learned of this service years ago and kept it in my mind as the possible way I would want for my pets to be laid to rest if at all possible.

They come to us as Minnie spent the last morning of her life in so much love, with her favorite treats, her own back yard and chopped chicken breakfast. 

She napped one last time beside her sister Sidda as we prepared for the 11 o'clock hour. 

(While I kept Sidda and Oscar together in our master room because I knew they would be so anxious if they watched Minnie be put to sleep.) 

I simply laid on the floor with her by my husband's feet as we both held her for her last breath. The vets were very sweet and very good to help us get through this sad event.

I kept my nose by her nose, I kept my hands on her so she could smell me as she was sedated.

"Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Thank you for being the sweetest dog in the whole world, our baby girl."  

She was never alone for a second, we had such peace in laying her rest while also such deep pain in saying that final goodbye.

Her ashes have been laid out into the Boise foothills as we knew she loved running with other dogs in the dog park not far from there. 

7 days ago this all came to pass, 8 years ago she came into our lives and I knew it was the right choice, I knew I was right where I was meant to be. I also knew that one day I would cry in such deep hurtful pain of our final goodbye. 

For me it's all worth it, for me it's my calling in my life to be the love, the protector and the rescuer in sharing my home for the creatures, in sharing my life along the way of all these births and deaths.

Minnie gave me, gave us all such joy in our every day life!

Thank you my sweet girl.

      

Becoming Nothing

                         

It was right after my 40th birthday this winter that my friends and I went to do a girls day.  I was glad it wasn't snowing and the roads were clear to get downtown. We went straight in for our appointment at the float tank spa. I had never done that before just lay in a dome of salt water.
It was truly AMAZING!
I will always remember how peaceful and how important it was for me, I loved the spa set up having my own room with a tank full of salt water so I just float as I rest in a dome of darkness and with no sound the lack of stimuli was what I needed and admired about doing this.
For 60 minuets in floating the water, my skin felt amazing and my body stretched out completely, I stretched and bent in different ways through the peaceful pool for that hour of pure deep darkness. I felt like I was nothing after awhile I wondered if death is this black but your soul still knows where it is?
I had flash back memories of the very first place I can remember noticing in my life, My Grandparents farm and not just that place in the world I remembered them as they were when I was 3 years old, in their working farm clothes selling freshly picked  peaches in the warm bright sun light. I could hear them say my name and pick me up and carry me around under the cotton wood trees surround by soft dirt roads. The displays of peaches in half bushel baskets, strangers talking and boxing up their peaches. The smell of the country side and late summer was there in my mind as I floated and as I realized I have gone back to my first days of life. I lived in a wonder land of riches, nature and farming at it's finest and in it's hay day of success. Those places are getting less and less, a road side fruit stand like the one my Grandparents worked on their farm just down hill of where they lived. I was born into a farming family on my mother's side and we visited up northern Idaho my father's big family in logging and construction. I floated thinking about the hard work of all the people I come from, the memories I have of flannel shirts and brewing coffee, the noisy kitchens of food cooking and the never ending stories of everyone's life. I miss all of that now as I am 40 years old floating in the peaceful relaxing spa. Time is as fleeting as turning off the dome light into soaking in pure blackness. I got salt water dripped on my eye by accident that's why they have fresh water bottles to spray your face inside right by you. And I never made that mistake again! I came out feeling like I had cycled right through my life seeing and remembering only the good memories so this made me ever so happy and so empowered for the rest of the day! I would recommend Floats Tanks to anyone, it's a truly amazing feeling showering off all that salt and having such smooth skin! I enjoyed unplugging from the world of technology for an hour too. It was such a quiet, still place my brain was able to relax into a small nap. I am now ready for my next 40 years, and I will return to the float again as my body was able to adjust it's self and that felt awesome too!  We were having lunch right after our float tank time and we all shared how our very first memory came to us and I thought of how special that was! How our brains hold so much information when stripped of all distractions and stress it goes back to the start again.

Becoming better

     I read this morning after a rough night a blog from Jon Katz, It touched me so much after a strange sad night of not ever feeling ready for bed because Minnie our sweet old cockier spaniel wasn't the first in bed as always. 

For at 9pm on the very dot of time every night she knew this was her favorite place to be, she loved being in bed with all of us the cats Jazzy and Tinker sometimes Lewis even if it was a really cold night, Little Sidda and my husband would find their places around Minnie already there while I setup a sitcom to watch on our bed TV while folding laundry and getting ready for bed...Minnie liked being the first one in place in the bed for the night because she knew it grew crowded from then on. I would setup the coffee maker for the next morning as I rotated her and Oscar outside once more in the dark, since Oscar hates the dark he never stayed up late at night, not ever. He loved his own bedroom door closed by 8 or 9 pm until the next morning when my husband would get up at 6 am, He and Oscar would share the morning together as I stayed in bed till 8 am with Minnie and Sidda. That routine worked great for all of us keeping Oscar and Minnie separated.

Going to bed however was usually with my husband in bed with Minnie as I closed them in to run around the home closing it up and checking on the rest of the pets, Last night was very strange without Minnie.

 So I am taking it easy today, Oscar and Sidda are napping close by as I write this, they are liking that the home has no closed doors anymore, my pet rotation system is over.

 It was Minnie who would usually be right beside me directly every morning as I got online or did my writing time such as this......

Minnie taught us both so much, I saw so very easily and clearly in my husband how he changed into a nicer person for her, and he was always nice to our pets I would never of married him if he wasn't good to animals in the first place but it was Minnie who really got to his heart deeper then all the rest.

She made him a better person.

I am a changed better person as well, I learned so much from Minnie about grooming, about nutritional issues and about how all dogs are not the same at all. While Oscar and Sidda are very much alike, so well trained and so well organized in their schedules, they are good together, both playful and at peace with the other. While Minnie was a bulldozer, a crazy anything goes kind of dog, while she was so very sweet yet she was so very unorganized and unsure of herself. I learned quickly she needed a different style in training, I gave her allowance for breaking the rules because she hadn't ever learned them to begin with. She came to us fully grown about 4 years old so she taught me how to handle a stray soul. 

I became a much better dog owner challenged by Minnie, devoted by Minnie, sleeping side by side with Minnie. She taught me how to be a much better pet protector and a good peaceful person just in having her chaotic ways in my life every day. 

So I finally went to bed last night and I listened for her to get up, to walk around wanting outside at 3 am, then I realized we were all trying to figure out our new ways around our far more quiet empty home Because Minnie was larger then life for all of us even in her old age.