My Favorite song when I was 40 years old

My Favorite song when I was 30 years old

My Favorite song when I was 20 years old

My Favorite song when I was 10 years old

My Dinner Party

       

      In turning 40 tomorrow I wanted to host a nice steak dinner for my intimate family, my parents and in-laws and siblings.

It turned out wonderfully!

Everyone was able to make it for the long table and the celebration! (except my sister who was already taking her husband for his birthday too)

It's such a great birthday gift from my husband to bring everyone together as I am honored to have them all in my life!

My parents, my siblings, my husband's parents and their spouses with his brother and wife who really helped make it such a fun night in birthday party hats and great stories!

The joy I had was brilliant in this moment of time where I loved seeing everyone and knowing these are the most important people in my life who have lead me into adulthood.

I am the first of all of us "kids" to turn 40 years old.

  It has always been a longing, a desire for me to have these people all come together for a nice dinner, to see everyone in the same place and be loved!

 My family, and my husband's family met up last night for a good steak dinner in celebration of my birthday and along side our siblings it was a full on good time!

Family is always so very important!

               For when 2 people marry the merging of 2 families also happen. When my father turned 40 years old we had a whole weekend of merging my mother's family and his family all together. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    So last night while driving home after such a good time, I wondered if that is why it's very important to me in doing kinda the same thing?  Maybe I am following the same ideas my father had when he turned 40 years old back when I was 12 years old? 

His parents came and help setup the place on our farm for the big family reunion on that spring weekend. My father was the first to turn 40 in his family of 7 kids, then my mother invited her parents and 3 siblings along side the spouses and growing families that weekend my Dad turned 40 years old it ended up being a huge group of people! Which remains in me as one of the most wonderful times with all of my childhood families, both sides merging into a big event!

Last night I had a similar setup with less numbers, in a more simple style of meeting up all together and it was perfect! 

My 3 sets of parents have played such an important role in our lives, Tony and I have been grateful that they could all come together. 

I looked down the table to find everyone I love so much, to see everyone I have shared my life with!

 

Cheers to 4 decades of so many stories and so many adventures with these wonderful  people!

In my Next 40 years.....

       How naive I was in turning 30, it was the time for success in my mind. I was making peace with my past and seeing new adventures for my future! Therefore turning 30 was my most perfect year full of depth in what I valued the most and in who I wanted to become.

When I was 30 I stood in the salty water of the Oregon Coast with my fuzzy old sweater and bare feet thinking how one day I will live there. For I loved those perfect days on the sand with my dog Oscar. It was the first time I knew that I "arrived." to a perfect place in time, in my mind I've often return to that moment of such clarity, such peacefulness in my soul.

True happiness filled my 12 months of being 30 years old.

It was the happiest and most simplest time in my life, I knew that I was finally the age I had always felt like I was!

If I could of stayed 30 for all of my life then I would! My husband Tony and I took little road trips planning our future in where we would like to live. I knew that Tony always had to have a future plan of a great new place to go see and possibly live there, I didn't mind as long as it wasn't over seas because my dog had to be able to travel my side. I would describe a very simple small home to move into and Tony would describe a bigger place with all new things, I would delight in his ideas then remind him that being debt free was by far better then "living the American dream" We are always bringing 2 sides to our shared lives in discussions, debates and disagreements until both sides have been equally explained, in this I have learned so much more then keeping to my own values, my own set of rules and standards. When Tony fell in love with me I had a very strong set of rules and opinions that he admired and adored about my self-confidence and my self-taught ways. I think we were both already 30 years old by the time we met at 20.

I drove him to work one morning sighing annoyingly explaining "It's not right to almost be 40 in 3 months and not have very much gray hair!" He stared up from his phone at me in shock and in a real stunned face as I chuckled over my shoulder at him asking "What?" His eyes were huge and he gasped back "40!?!?!?!!! What the hell?"  I laughed shaking my head at his other world existing in working so much and being so distracted by his new career. It has made him so happy that I stand back in awe and in pride that he has found his joy in living a good life!

I explained "Yes, I only talk about it every other day all summer long I think...ask my brothers I am ready to turn 40."  He choked and cough then began to breath again in his alarmed sudden awareness "So in 3 months you will be 40 years old, that use to be my mom's age!?!?!?" I laughed even more at my husband who is getting more gray hair then me still 2 years away from 40 himself....

"I love your salt and pepper beard yet my hair isn't doing anything like that!?!?" I explained again, Tony was lost in his realization that I would be 40 in the new year so I let him sit a moment in his thoughts as he had to freak out a bit in order to be comfortable again. He then explained "Don't go off and frost it or something that's just as bad as trying to hide your gray hair...you've never been a social norm kind of person." I laugh so hard till I had tears in my eyes and nodded back "Okay, I won't but I was thinking I would just now so that's awesome! I have always believed that growing old is growing wiser and better in life, until finally coming to peace in being proud of the life I lived."  Tony thoughtfully said "So just accept yourself as you are. Take that same peace in growing wiser to leaving your hair alone and stop wishing it to be something it's not." I loved our drive and talks like always so when he got to his office he said "I just can't believe you will be 40. I am so stunned by this.....We'll make it a great birthday then for sure!" I smiled big saying "I want a party in the park come June! I have already planned it out in my head!" He laughed nodding "Of course! We will!"

My life has been very full in conversations, in social events and in seeking knowledge. I have spent hours in the park with my dogs, evenings on the patio with family. I share my first cup of coffee every morning in cuddles with my cats, my magical afternoons in the gardens and the dirt. I sleep in on the weekends and stay up late in the summers. I have hiked the foothills, soak in the hot springs and camped with my brother Derek. I loved the week long road trip I took with my mom when my baby brothers were growing up, I wanted to know her better as equal adults.  I wouldn't of missed the birth of my sister's first baby for anything in the world! I look back at my very busy 20's in awe of all those little things. I worked hard and played hard, I had no problem sleeping in my car because I accidentally drank to much at a new bar. I took responsibility in trying new drinks, new menus and in new environments. In fact I loved exploring new restaurants, new shops and new ideas for my home because I never felt bad for not buying anything as I would tell everyone all the places I discovered! It's fun to look back over each decade and see what was so profound to me. I love seeing how it all came to pass, it taught me such deeper values in myself today!

I was proud when I turned 10 years old because I wanted to catch up to my teen aged cousins Trina and Cally, in being connected to their world more!

I was excited to turn 20 years old because I had a feeling something big was about to happen for me, I had an idea that I was about to meet my husband even though I would of declared that I was never getting married. So in fact 4 months later I met Tony Shively.

I was the happiest person on the day I turned 30. I knew that I was right where I was meant to be, that everything in my life was of my creation and of my power to be! That night in the fancy romantic restaurant in the soft cozy glow of our delightful meal and my very first martini....my husband asked me what my life long dream is.  I said to him without hesitation, without doubt or wonder because I already knew this for me, "I want us to spend as much time together as possible, so if that means living very simply and carefully on a budget then it's perfect to make each moment as good as this one. For I have everything I will ever want right here and right now." He looked surprised then chuckled "Once again I married Gandhi, I should of guessed that's what you would say....but you should have something for yourself, just you." I smiled even bigger nodding back at him in agreement I said "Oh I do! I already have my life's goal and dream accomplished! It's Oscar. I have the best dog in the world I am right where I was always meant to be!"  Tony laughed fully just shaking his head.

I look back now at how being 30 was perfect and yet I will always hate my 30's because the good times do not out way the bad times. The worse days of my whole life unfolded like dominoes through out my 30's, just like living in boiling water some good things can come from it yet the pain is still boiling away my heart. I am not as naive, not as optimistic now, they say ignorance is bliss and I can't ever find that bliss again I know.....wisdom takes that all away.

I am still right where I am suppose to be.

It's just nothing like I had daydreamed when I turned 30 years old.

So this makes me wonder in my caution, in my concern for the future as to what will my next 40 years look like? Because after that it's only 20 more years to my end so am I ready for this long journey? If it's cut short it will never be of my own choice.......this is all I know for sure.

When I am cold, I look for my everglow.

When I am frighten I look for my courage and my very strong bravery.

When I am angry I can move mountains in my powerful purposeful ways!

When I am happy I've noticed it's not what anyone else would say is happiness....

When I am making a list of what I stand on, what are the corners of my being I see how they are Love, Hope, Joy, and Grace. 

 So now I turn 40 in peace, in a calmness that I didn't have when I turned 30. 

I need for nothing, I want to just send out hugs to everyone!

I will make it the very best it can be as it will unfold in my next 40 years. 

She ran out fast and focused in her delight the ocean was moving right in front of her as she had jumped out of the car with her dog, they had been on the road for 8 hours now it was time to fly!

  

We are the World

Whenever this song came on the radio I would sing it at the top of my lungs even though I was just a little kid in the back seat of my parent's car. 
When I hear it now I smile at how it was one of my favorites growing up, it brought back memories of being little observing the whole world around me from the car window. As My mother drove to the bank, the gas station, the grocery store. Then she would drove to a department store for the rest of the afternoon having us kids try on clothes. I hated dressing rooms back then I actually still do hate them to be honest, there is a feeling of vulnerability taking your clothes of in public and trying on uncomfortable sizes because they are on the clearance racks. 

This song always comforted me as kid, it would stay in my mind long after it was the car radio as our mother drove around. We lived that way a lot going and going where ever my mother wanted to go because she suffered from cabin fever all the time!
When she would be tired and say being home is important we kids would play all day in our PJ's. I liked staying home far more then going out even back at 8 years old. I requested places with a playground if we went out into the world of course, I protested trying on clothes every time and when I was 10 years old I did put my foot down, my mother and I had such a huge fight I was in trouble of course, I think music helped me get through those years of having no control and no power for my self. This song gave me a sense of wonder that this world could be better then what it was!
Now I can see why I am very sensitive to children, I am very aware of how they are going to be what makes this world good or bad so now is the time to be their support and their protection. To be their friend in listening and in sharing, in resting and in playing. Life is always cycling through like this song on the radio, it touches our soul for a reason!
WE are all connected, we are all called to be our very best selves for the future!
I have been singing this song with such joy!
It still inspires me, it gives me confidence that back when I first heard it I was able to use it as a strength in my survival!   Music is exactly that for me, a life lesson on getting through the day!

Don't Stop Believin'

I was listening to a radio program talking about how 20 years ago the HBO drama series "The Sopranos." aired with ground breaking characters in easy to relate relationships.
This song was the last song that show played, my husband and I followed "The Sopranos." on HBO with loads of Italian foods and red wine as we delighted in the drama together.
It's a show that stands alone, in the radio review they were talking about the truth in the psychology of it all.
The viewer has to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Perhaps why my husband and I loved it so much is that after every episode we sat finishing our glasses of wine in debating and discussing the layers in that story.
It was a cozy time in our lives to know every Sunday night we cook up a great meal, and a fun dessert while singing along to the theme song!
As I look back and smile over those evenings of starting our lives together, I think how even in facing the future I won't stop believing! I will always hold onto this feeling!
My husband and I enjoy a good debate, a deep discussion. 
For we will always be comfortable with the uncomfortable!

This song brings it all back that final episode with awe that it ended in the very best way possible! For it goes on and on and on!

American Pie on the Roof Top

        My father was putting a new roof on a house he was fixing back up, for his farmhome house contracts. I was just a little kid up there helping him move around with shingles and staples. 
His radio was playing at the edge of the house where I wasn't allowed to walk over by, I had to stay in the center by all the supplies. He worked away asking for my help here and there, he said that my mother didn't think I was old enough to help him but he thought that I was, so I felt special. I felt proud of myself paying attention to everything carefully for him. 
Then from the radio this song came on against the ending summer afternoon as the evening sun set was turning soft orange in the sky. It was such a long song as I listened to it not sure of everything being said then my father began to break it all down, he liked this song and knew so much about it as he put the new roof on I sat carefully close by listening to him explain what it was all about. I realized suddenly that there were people alive before I was born. It was a whole new thought in me that my father was telling me about the day the music died and how sad it had been.
I sat there watching the sun setting way up high thinking about God and Satan, death and life. In the battle of good verse evil I listened to my father tell me in-depth all about this song.
I knew I would always remember this moment in time, I was growing up in realizing before I was born was a whole story I knew nothing about....
Can music take you back in time?
Can I ever know as much as my father knows?
Can I even imagine what was the world like before I was born? Why do I only know about right now? 
I took note of my surroundings, I felt special having my own time with my father working on the roof. The song played on as Dad interrupted here and there with his memories and his understanding of this song.
I am sure I was little 6 or 7 maybe 8 because I wondered suddenly to myself "What age will I be when I die? How come I don't know? I should know so that I can plan and be ready for it!?!?"
I am sure that evening was a random moment at work for my father as he taught how to hold onto the ladder and never look back down. I wasn't the thrill seeking kind of child like my sister, so he had to encourage me for awhile to get me back down after we were done. That song stayed with me all of my life as I can still see my father in his work jeans and tool belt around his white t-shirt as he would push his eye glasses up his nose while looking back up at me saying "I need another one." I would walk slowly slanted carrying a heavy shingle as this song began to fill the air all around us.
I had no idea I was living in the time that would one day become "A long long time ago."
So I wonder what will my next 40 years look like?
This song will always take me back to that roof top sitting with my young hard working father, as he talked with me like an equal and taught me how time wasn't here just for my life.

Bye Bye Miss American Pie.....

A gift of warmth

       

 These winter days often keep me inside as I pull blankets out of the dryer and give them to my cats and dogs. For they love cuddling up in them after having been outside first thing in the cold snowy mornings. I love seeing every pet with their own blanket. I think it's important to stay warm, clean and cozy all together.

This is the down time of the whole year. 

My husband is really happy that I just got him setup with a heated mattress pad and another blanket for our bed. The cats and dogs all come in to cuddle, so I never thought that we were cold before yet now I remember when we were first married we had a heated mattress pad  and it was like magic to come to bed with it already warm!

Winter has never been easy on my husband, he was so delighted that I got him all setup in new warm bedding. 

This is the heart of winter time, he always gets sore with his cerebral palsy. I hope to make his life easier, warmer and safer during these cold snowy weeks.

We went out to my parents on Christmas eve, the roads were dry and safe. I sure love having my jeep in days like this because I feel safe on the roads. We were able to celebrate with my family that night in safety and security in all of us getting together. My parents gave me a winter coat and it's very nice!

Being warm for the holidays is such a delight, I have been wearing this coat every time it snows.

My Mother has been giving me sweaters and winter coats for holiday gifts ever since I can remember.

         And I think it's so perfect!

A gift of warmth can truly do so much good in lifting our spirits during such snowy days of survival.

For being warm while playing out in the winter wonderland gives me such true joy!

A Heart Of Gold

This is a classic song, a true message in finding real people. In connecting to those who have hearts of gold and shared mission in life of making this world a better place when we leave it.

This song helps me remember when we find a heart of gold we cherish it!

This is important to remember as I wonder what my next 40 years will be like......

I want to be a person with a heart of gold, I want to spend my days with like hearted people too. Lately my husband has been challenging me not to avoid very difficult people just because they are mean or selfish or just a pain to be around, he says it's those kinds of people who need the most help in my being around them. When we find good, kind, decent people to hang out with we don't challenge ourselves to grow and to learn from the horrible people all around us. I guess he is right, people who have a heart of gold can handle life just as it is, they are refreshing and comforting to be around. They don't play games to get what they want and they don't bully me when we enjoy a cup of coffee.
I told my husband that in my next half of life I am wiser and aware of what a heart of gold looks like. I will not waste my time among the selfish and the difficult.
He asked me "Isn't important to show anyone who suffers and who struggles a way out of that with your heart of gold? If you want to be around people only who are like you then wouldn't you be stuck in not using your gifts and your own experiences to teach others the value in being a good person?" I sighed annoyingly as I always do when my husband makes a good point. I was thinking my mission statement for the next 40 to 50 years of my life was to not get trapped by horrible people.

I never thought maybe that mission statement should be to help them, help them find their own hearts of gold out there in their world.

I just need to remember to take a break, to care for myself when I feel like all I am doing is searching for a heart of gold as I am getting old.....

A Second Chance

The words of this song are printed right here on my blog.

Because at the very moment I heard this song on the radio I had to pull over and deeply cry.
I was 29 years old.
I was suffering from flashback memories.
I didn't choose my parents, or how they treated me.
I felt like I had failed in being there for my baby brothers.
I didn't know what to do anymore in all my reaching out to see them again, my mother never let me be with them as a happy big sister who wanted to take them bowling or painting, I had a long list of fun activities out in the world and with my own money I knew I could make it such a great time with each one of them. Then I kept getting shot down by my mother, she would change the plans last minuet and come along too. I didn't mind at all yet I thought is very strange, I would never dream of saying anything bad about our parents or bad about their church life. It was clear to me that the need for control was still haunting my parents. I knew that I had a lot of work to do in myself in order to not get so upset at them even now as a grown adult.....
This song brought that all back in a heart beat!

    I love this song.
 When I moved out into my first apartment all hell broke loose. All hell had returned to our family home once again. So I faced my parents with all my respect, with my open honesty in everything I was doing, in the places I went out to eat with my boyfriend, with all the movies I saw and the new ideas I had. I was an open book, I stood strong in who I had become at the age of 22 years old. When I was 19 years old my sister challenged our parents for her freedom and all hell broke loose, the yelling, screaming, crying and things flying. I have often wondered why we looked so good at church back then when in the blink of the eye it was pure chaos? The yen and yang of a human being can never be so perfect after all.

I really never thought I could be brave enough to live on my own while growing up, there was so much of the world I didn't know anything about. I saw all the craziness my sister did and all the anger my parents had towards her. So I kept my head down and I quietly said nothing for the next 4 years....
Truly I can't sit quietly by for long, I am sure I said plenty it was why my mother and I were fighting, disagreeing and arguing all through those years.
Then I turned 20 years old realizing my life has been on hold because of all the trauma/drama in our family after my sister had turned 18, and my mother was going to have her 3rd baby boy soon. So I needed to get ready to move out, over those 2 years I talked about this plan all the time in hopes to help my parents be ready for the day......

This song made me realize as I found this music vidoe to exactly how my life was, it remind me of my own battle to stay connected to my parents, to be a better person for the future.
They were struggling in every way, they were raising new kids and having an old life together, they were at each other and at anyone who step in their way. I grew into not being afraid of conflict all the rest of my life because of how bad it truly got in my family in those years!
I won't back down now, I knew exactly what I stand for when I go to battle. Because I believe that when I walk through fire I am made stronger.
These song lyrics left me realizing how I had so many unanswered questions about my past.
 This song took me on a new journey in self awareness. I decide to dig down deep into my parents history and find out more about who they were when they were kids etc.....and I learned far more then I ever thought possible, yet it helped me heal, it helped me forgive and to live with grace.
This song "A Second Chance." by Shinedown brought me into the future of peace. It gave me a new look to everything I had ever lived through! I was made whole again and I was made perfect in all these imperfections!

Goodbye to those days of battling with my parents.
Goodbye to living in fear of displeasing God.
Goodbye to my childhood/teen years of trying to please and protect everyone.
         I was given a second chance! 
I found my way out of that tangle mess of religion!
I was free and I was happy!

So now I'll be aiming for Haley's comet towards the end with such a joy in looking back over my beautiful life!

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

I broke free from the religious cycle in my young life, now I am stronger for it.
I feel braver having no clear cut answers for all these things in history and in the future, the world is all such a gray area. I've learn how to laid down my belief system, face my ego and be real in finding some kind of better understanding, Strange to not be so sure of anything anymore.....when I was living in fear I prayed all the time growing up yet now I still pray in a different way without as much fear as I use to have.

I have my freedom to live in my own right, it's my responsibility and it's my ownership to live a life worthy of time, of thought and of doing my best. 
I grow older with less answers then back when I was 3 years old and starting to pay attention to religion.

I am proud of it all of course, I am made wiser for it too.

I have never been more sure of being so unsure of everything in all of my life! 
The possibilities are endless! 
What kind of dream do I want to live?

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

My life and music live side by side, as a small child I sang in church every Sunday for fun and for the stage, as the children's choir took to the steps and spotlight of the mega non-denominational church my parents attend in my first 10 years. I saw lots of crazy weird creepy and strange things in my first 10 years alive on this earth from 1979 to 1989, my parents attended all kinds of churches then settle in at mega church which held 3 services of the same program each Sunday. This huge church was growing and remodeling during those years as well since it was also a private school for christian kids during the week. My life was like a dream in all the levels I didn't understand at the very moment back in time, I knew even at the tender age of 8 years old something is very wrong, very evil in Christianity. I was cautious how much power we were giving Satan in our fear and in our prayers. I think it's like with any super hero story there is a good guy and a bad guy. They need each other to balance the battles, I look back at my first 10 years with awe of how important music was for me. The good in bad times, the songs gave me a release in my tense stressful worry of avoiding Satan and pleasing God.
It was a real issue of self control, self awareness and self check lists that followed me into my 2nd decade of life.
Songs like this were on the radio in the family car on our way to church. For each Sunday we struggled to get in our seats on time, an angry stressed out father and a worried active mother who wanted us to look perfect. Life back then was just as fleeting as it is right now but as a kid it felt like everything boring lasted forever until I could sing again.
Music was the key to helping me survive all these spiritual things, all those social requirements and a life of wanting to be connected to everything as I sure did!

Neil Young - My my, hey hey

I have always thought the ocean is so beautiful and so scary at the very same time. I will always be made whole when I stand before it.
I will always know everything so clearly when I breath it's salty scent of a life force beyond all of us.
I am always returning to it in my memory when life gets tough.
I am always there again in the sand and sun light knowing all things are not to be known after all.
I am ever so grateful for the ocean, such landscapes are never lost on me!
The whole of nature holds such adventures!
The whole of time is found among this planet in such beauty as we go from the blue to the black.
I travel back in my mind, I hear our laughter and see our freedom in running fast to escape those foamy waves at our bare feet!
I can still hear the seagulls in the soft winds and rolling noise of the ocean.
I whisper "What a perfect day!" as I stand still before the big blue.

Into The Gray

       

   When I turned 30 I was around joking and saying how much I wish I looked like Rogue from X-men, with that awesome gray stripe down the front of my face for it would be a great look to enter my 30's!

Yet nothing like that happened as much as I wished for it, and I don't dye my hair. Maybe for fun I would try one day down the road I never know how playful I will feel in my 50's or 60's, I have always felt that dying is dangerous with no real proof just my gut instinct, as a small child I watched my mother dye her hair all the time, it was messy and stinking like getting a perm only in color, dark ink all over the place. My mother kept her youthful look in dying her hair all the time, but I felt like it was dangerous due to that strong chemical smell. My mother always did these things at home so she would stock up on hair dye. When she turned 40 years old my sister and I put together a surprise birthday party for her up at her mother's home for a ladies luncheon. She decide to dye her hair that same morning, it stunk up the home while I tried to hurry her without giving it away that we had a surprise for her. She dragged her feet up to her mother's home, not happy with us telling her that she had to go see her mom. Yet her jet black dark brown hair was fresh and deep rich youthful color, so I told her that Grandma wanted to see her new hair...then SURPRISE! All of her friends were there to celebrate! We were proud teenage daughters doing this special event for her 40th birthday!

I realized most of her friends dyed their hair during that luncheon afternoon, My little Grandma said to me "It's not a shameful thing growing old, you don't have to hide your gray hair if you don't want to." Then she would wink at me, for her salt and pepper hair was more pepper yet awesome looking for me.

Grandma Norma often shared how important it was to dress right for the occasion, she had shoes for different parts of her day while in town. She had a couple closets of clothes, she had a jewelry box that stood on it's own like a dresser, and perfume of every shape and size. For my Grandma never left home, never left the farm without looking good! My Mother was far more laid back in her youth, so now as she is 61 years old I can see the similar habits of looking good when leaving the farm. I was surrounded by women who confidently looked good when going to town, it has taught me the equal value in self care and being well groomed.  I don't wear make up, except for a special event like a wedding. I don't dye my hair except for a few high lights at my own wedding. I don't wear much jewelry anymore too as I think about where I want my money to go, if I am given a gift I will wear it proudly. I use to wear all the colors of rainbow with every scarf and every hat, socks and shoes that brighten up a rainy day! So I am shifting from black and gray these days to a little more color again.

Perhaps it's why I wish I had gray hair as my exciting feature, my style has always been to avoid chemicals, to stay healthy so that I don't need anything external to show my true colors.

Strangely my hair is turning gray very slowly, I wanted to look like Storm from X-men by the time I reach my 40th birthday!?!?! I guess not.... 

I thought I would go from Rogue to Storm in one decade, especially in this very bad horrible ridiculous decade of my 30's....

Turning 30 was a magical wonderful year, wish I could of stayed there for all time.

Turning 40 is deeper, rich in emotions and understanding, my awareness for this next decade isn't as exciting but it sure is appreciated by me. Growing old is where I feel at home.

Someone pointed it out that when I was just a little girl I said profound things, I liked to go off on my own and play, they wondered if I was an old soul.......

I felt like I had lived a hard life by the time I turn 20 years old, my mother was just about to burst forth a new baby too. I think I have always been planning for the future even for my parents whether they wanted to listen to me or not, I was simply born old.

Sleeping At Last - Light

Winter is for sleeping, for being inside and safely tucked away.
The cold long gray days brings us all into thinking more, into fixing more of ourselves.
We can deep clean, cook up recipes we hadn't had time for yet, and read everything we want to learn about.....Winter is for sadness, for togetherness and for rest of all things.

Winter is for getting ready to grow, getting ready to accomplish once again. It helps us heal and helps us relax in such bad weather down time.
It's very cozy to me in seeing my pets come inside early and sleep among the warm blankets to the baking aroma of such a cold season.

Winter is when I was born, northern Idaho held pine trees all around me as the snow and the cold began my life. It's why I love the summer time far more! I crave warmth and clear bright skies!
I would choose the forest on a sunny day not a snowy day.....so this is fascinating to me. The day I was born was not the true nature of who I am, give me better days for dancing and driving!

Winter is here again for my 40th year to begin.....

Oasis - Champagne Supernova

A new year brings forth new stories.....
This song has been in my mind as I read lately about space and time, the milky way and this one perfect planet called earth. I will live to care for it and try to do my best for the next generations. I think the stars and the moon hold such wonder, and the warm sunshine keeps the days going by......
I am about to enter my 4th decade, I am about to take on those new stories so this song stays with me.
I look up in awe of those supernovas in the sky!

THE TREE OF LIFE

There are 2 ways through life, the way of nature and the way of grace. 
And you have to chose which way to follow.

            Someday we will fall down and weep, And we will understand it all.
                                  ALL THINGS.

P!nk - A Million Dreams

The last song I sang in 2018 was this song, I sang slowly to Oscar and Sidda who were shaking behind me on the couch as the fireworks exploded. My husband went to bed early but I stayed up to care over all my pets and to sit awhile by myself looking at the Christmas tree, in fact almost every night before bed through all December I sit with my tea and look at the tree it helps me calm down and helps me face winter in a better light. The soft glow of the tree is like magic and the peaceful quietness is lovely, the pets sleep deeper knowing I am there right beside them before bed as well.
Last night was crazy almost as bad as the 4th of July yet I sang so many songs until almost 2 am when everything grew quiet outside again. I hate fireworks, my poor pets think we are at war and I have to reassure them it's just the craziness of people who have never suffered from such fear of being bombed before (Ironically) Singing is a wonderful way to welcome in the new year and cuddled up into the blankets with my dogs was priceless too. Here we go for 2019!