In my Next 40 years.....

       How naive I was in turning 30, it was the time for success in my mind. I was making peace with my past and seeing new adventures for my future! Therefore turning 30 was my most perfect year full of depth in what I valued the most and in who I wanted to become.

When I was 30 I stood in the salty water of the Oregon Coast with my fuzzy old sweater and bare feet thinking how one day I will live there. For I loved those perfect days on the sand with my dog Oscar. It was the first time I knew that I "arrived." to a perfect place in time, in my mind I've often return to that moment of such clarity, such peacefulness in my soul.

True happiness filled my 12 months of being 30 years old.

It was the happiest and most simplest time in my life, I knew that I was finally the age I had always felt like I was!

If I could of stayed 30 for all of my life then I would! My husband Tony and I took little road trips planning our future in where we would like to live. I knew that Tony always had to have a future plan of a great new place to go see and possibly live there, I didn't mind as long as it wasn't over seas because my dog had to be able to travel my side. I would describe a very simple small home to move into and Tony would describe a bigger place with all new things, I would delight in his ideas then remind him that being debt free was by far better then "living the American dream" We are always bringing 2 sides to our shared lives in discussions, debates and disagreements until both sides have been equally explained, in this I have learned so much more then keeping to my own values, my own set of rules and standards. When Tony fell in love with me I had a very strong set of rules and opinions that he admired and adored about my self-confidence and my self-taught ways. I think we were both already 30 years old by the time we met at 20.

I drove him to work one morning sighing annoyingly explaining "It's not right to almost be 40 in 3 months and not have very much gray hair!" He stared up from his phone at me in shock and in a real stunned face as I chuckled over my shoulder at him asking "What?" His eyes were huge and he gasped back "40!?!?!?!!! What the hell?"  I laughed shaking my head at his other world existing in working so much and being so distracted by his new career. It has made him so happy that I stand back in awe and in pride that he has found his joy in living a good life!

I explained "Yes, I only talk about it every other day all summer long I think...ask my brothers I am ready to turn 40."  He choked and cough then began to breath again in his alarmed sudden awareness "So in 3 months you will be 40 years old, that use to be my mom's age!?!?!?" I laughed even more at my husband who is getting more gray hair then me still 2 years away from 40 himself....

"I love your salt and pepper beard yet my hair isn't doing anything like that!?!?" I explained again, Tony was lost in his realization that I would be 40 in the new year so I let him sit a moment in his thoughts as he had to freak out a bit in order to be comfortable again. He then explained "Don't go off and frost it or something that's just as bad as trying to hide your gray hair...you've never been a social norm kind of person." I laugh so hard till I had tears in my eyes and nodded back "Okay, I won't but I was thinking I would just now so that's awesome! I have always believed that growing old is growing wiser and better in life, until finally coming to peace in being proud of the life I lived."  Tony thoughtfully said "So just accept yourself as you are. Take that same peace in growing wiser to leaving your hair alone and stop wishing it to be something it's not." I loved our drive and talks like always so when he got to his office he said "I just can't believe you will be 40. I am so stunned by this.....We'll make it a great birthday then for sure!" I smiled big saying "I want a party in the park come June! I have already planned it out in my head!" He laughed nodding "Of course! We will!"

My life has been very full in conversations, in social events and in seeking knowledge. I have spent hours in the park with my dogs, evenings on the patio with family. I share my first cup of coffee every morning in cuddles with my cats, my magical afternoons in the gardens and the dirt. I sleep in on the weekends and stay up late in the summers. I have hiked the foothills, soak in the hot springs and camped with my brother Derek. I loved the week long road trip I took with my mom when my baby brothers were growing up, I wanted to know her better as equal adults.  I wouldn't of missed the birth of my sister's first baby for anything in the world! I look back at my very busy 20's in awe of all those little things. I worked hard and played hard, I had no problem sleeping in my car because I accidentally drank to much at a new bar. I took responsibility in trying new drinks, new menus and in new environments. In fact I loved exploring new restaurants, new shops and new ideas for my home because I never felt bad for not buying anything as I would tell everyone all the places I discovered! It's fun to look back over each decade and see what was so profound to me. I love seeing how it all came to pass, it taught me such deeper values in myself today!

I was proud when I turned 10 years old because I wanted to catch up to my teen aged cousins Trina and Cally, in being connected to their world more!

I was excited to turn 20 years old because I had a feeling something big was about to happen for me, I had an idea that I was about to meet my husband even though I would of declared that I was never getting married. So in fact 4 months later I met Tony Shively.

I was the happiest person on the day I turned 30. I knew that I was right where I was meant to be, that everything in my life was of my creation and of my power to be! That night in the fancy romantic restaurant in the soft cozy glow of our delightful meal and my very first martini....my husband asked me what my life long dream is.  I said to him without hesitation, without doubt or wonder because I already knew this for me, "I want us to spend as much time together as possible, so if that means living very simply and carefully on a budget then it's perfect to make each moment as good as this one. For I have everything I will ever want right here and right now." He looked surprised then chuckled "Once again I married Gandhi, I should of guessed that's what you would say....but you should have something for yourself, just you." I smiled even bigger nodding back at him in agreement I said "Oh I do! I already have my life's goal and dream accomplished! It's Oscar. I have the best dog in the world I am right where I was always meant to be!"  Tony laughed fully just shaking his head.

I look back now at how being 30 was perfect and yet I will always hate my 30's because the good times do not out way the bad times. The worse days of my whole life unfolded like dominoes through out my 30's, just like living in boiling water some good things can come from it yet the pain is still boiling away my heart. I am not as naive, not as optimistic now, they say ignorance is bliss and I can't ever find that bliss again I know.....wisdom takes that all away.

I am still right where I am suppose to be.

It's just nothing like I had daydreamed when I turned 30 years old.

So this makes me wonder in my caution, in my concern for the future as to what will my next 40 years look like? Because after that it's only 20 more years to my end so am I ready for this long journey? If it's cut short it will never be of my own choice.......this is all I know for sure.

When I am cold, I look for my everglow.

When I am frighten I look for my courage and my very strong bravery.

When I am angry I can move mountains in my powerful purposeful ways!

When I am happy I've noticed it's not what anyone else would say is happiness....

When I am making a list of what I stand on, what are the corners of my being I see how they are Love, Hope, Joy, and Grace. 

 So now I turn 40 in peace, in a calmness that I didn't have when I turned 30. 

I need for nothing, I want to just send out hugs to everyone!

I will make it the very best it can be as it will unfold in my next 40 years. 

She ran out fast and focused in her delight the ocean was moving right in front of her as she had jumped out of the car with her dog, they had been on the road for 8 hours now it was time to fly!