Because at the very moment I heard this song on the radio I had to pull over and deeply cry.
I was 29 years old.
I was suffering from flashback memories.
I didn't choose my parents, or how they treated me.
I felt like I had failed in being there for my baby brothers.
I didn't know what to do anymore in all my reaching out to see them again, my mother never let me be with them as a happy big sister who wanted to take them bowling or painting, I had a long list of fun activities out in the world and with my own money I knew I could make it such a great time with each one of them. Then I kept getting shot down by my mother, she would change the plans last minuet and come along too. I didn't mind at all yet I thought is very strange, I would never dream of saying anything bad about our parents or bad about their church life. It was clear to me that the need for control was still haunting my parents. I knew that I had a lot of work to do in myself in order to not get so upset at them even now as a grown adult.....
This song brought that all back in a heart beat!
I love this song.
When I moved out into my first apartment all hell broke loose. All hell had returned to our family home once again. So I faced my parents with all my respect, with my open honesty in everything I was doing, in the places I went out to eat with my boyfriend, with all the movies I saw and the new ideas I had. I was an open book, I stood strong in who I had become at the age of 22 years old. When I was 19 years old my sister challenged our parents for her freedom and all hell broke loose, the yelling, screaming, crying and things flying. I have often wondered why we looked so good at church back then when in the blink of the eye it was pure chaos? The yen and yang of a human being can never be so perfect after all.
I really never thought I could be brave enough to live on my own while growing up, there was so much of the world I didn't know anything about. I saw all the craziness my sister did and all the anger my parents had towards her. So I kept my head down and I quietly said nothing for the next 4 years....
Truly I can't sit quietly by for long, I am sure I said plenty it was why my mother and I were fighting, disagreeing and arguing all through those years.
Then I turned 20 years old realizing my life has been on hold because of all the trauma/drama in our family after my sister had turned 18, and my mother was going to have her 3rd baby boy soon. So I needed to get ready to move out, over those 2 years I talked about this plan all the time in hopes to help my parents be ready for the day......
This song made me realize as I found this music vidoe to exactly how my life was, it remind me of my own battle to stay connected to my parents, to be a better person for the future.
They were struggling in every way, they were raising new kids and having an old life together, they were at each other and at anyone who step in their way. I grew into not being afraid of conflict all the rest of my life because of how bad it truly got in my family in those years!
I won't back down now, I knew exactly what I stand for when I go to battle. Because I believe that when I walk through fire I am made stronger.
These song lyrics left me realizing how I had so many unanswered questions about my past.
This song took me on a new journey in self awareness. I decide to dig down deep into my parents history and find out more about who they were when they were kids etc.....and I learned far more then I ever thought possible, yet it helped me heal, it helped me forgive and to live with grace.
This song "A Second Chance." by Shinedown brought me into the future of peace. It gave me a new look to everything I had ever lived through! I was made whole again and I was made perfect in all these imperfections!
Goodbye to those days of battling with my parents.
Goodbye to living in fear of displeasing God.
Goodbye to my childhood/teen years of trying to please and protect everyone.
I was given a second chance!
I found my way out of that tangle mess of religion!
I was free and I was happy!
So now I'll be aiming for Haley's comet towards the end with such a joy in looking back over my beautiful life!
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