Search This Blog

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Family

When it comes to family all bets are off! 
All normal society rules go out the door! In fact no one can say without guilt or struggle that family means NOTHING. 
(Unless of course you are a psychopath, a sociopath or have Border line personality disorder, then once AGAIN all bets are off for you can say that family means NOTHING to you.....)
The average normal person can't walk away from family even if that family hurts them beyond belief!
In This beloved TV drama of mine, "The Sopranos" the very first episode reveals a mother/son relationship that is both odd and extremely familiar to me......I am captivated instantly to this show because of it's uncomfortable familiar tones....
Was my mother this woman? Is THAT why I feel like Tony Soprano right now in this very first episode?!? 

I believe that as humans we are often drawn to things that brings us out of our shells, things that challenge us as a whole person we hope to obtain.
In fact our souls have lived many lives before our time, yet in this life force that we breath and carry along it's still learning something new.....

My mother she loved me when I was a baby.

My mother she loved me when I was a baby, a sweet little thing that needed her for every second of my breath....then I grew.
My mother she hated me for growing up.
It hurts to be judged, to be manipulated and not loved anymore once I first talked back to her and then my mother she gave up.
She gave up on me and how different I was from her.
My mother she hated getting old, hated getting less and less important in my life.
My mother I deeply loved her even when she hit me all those times.
She said horrible things about me that I had to carry for so long and then I did EXACTLY what Tony Soprano did in his TV drama show..... I blamed myself.
"Why are you so fast to blame yourself?" My husband asked as I cried.
He continued "You didn't give birth to 3 boys yet here you are saying how you should never have left them? Honey when where you to live your own life?  being happy isn't a shameful thing to need to let go of all those words your mother spit at you or this will eat you up in the end." I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes as I explained "All I ever wanted was a family who loved each other unconditionally and had each others back like in forever." My husband chuckled in looking at me "And what you got was a selfish family who wiped their feet on you of all people because you would never fight back, they threw you under the bus first because YOU let them....I guess what you wanted and what you allowed weren't going to agree." I shot up like I had been lit by a match with such furry and such sparks that I can get Tony Soprano, maybe I am this man? His character of struggling for acceptance and love with his own mother hit me to the core of my own soul!
I am this man if I really took a hard look at myself, I am the one bringing HUGE flower bouquets to a family that would rather I never came around ever again.........
IRONIC but true this show is one of my favorite because it is a reflective image of my own self struggling to carry my own family. I struggle to honor and respect my parents who do not like me at all....They didn't agree or accept me as I grew up and now even RIGHT NOW I still living with this idea of a "Family Code"
I am doomed just like Tony Soprano I am doomed, there isn't a way to bring more parental love into my life, that is ALL a part of history now, I can't win the golden cup or jump high enough to change anything now. Just like in history we can see how some people can't give up and walk away even when they clearly should......I am one of those peoples.....therefore I am doomed to repeat history....
I understand how I SHOULD have walked away completely along time ago, it hurts me inside to know the truth about my parents all along they never loved me with that unconditional love I have for them, yet in this I carry this fire and hope, reminding me of the wonderful movie "August Rush" I believe just as like that kid who always believed for against ALL odds his parents wanted him, I hang on to that idea also.... It's not the truth of course. I know it's not the truth but what is the truth? Can't I still cling to  what helps me be a better person instead?

Tony Soprano wanted his mother to liked him, he looked over and cared for a woman who was never going to let him "Off the hook" for anything. This is why I will always think this show is the BEST of all time because I can relate and can see the complicated levels of THE family.....
for all of us, it is different but kinda the one saw you naked like family, no one saw you struggle like family, no one saw you age and learn like family. The family is a huge level of emotional stories, of deeper relationships and history then in anything else we will ever conquer.
Family will or will not be there in the end when all is said and done.
We will learn to trust or to judge from what our parents say....we will learn and we will hurt, we will be comforted or abandon by family.
I liked the HBO TV series "The Sopranos" not because I cried from my own painful family that I carried inside but because I deeply related and recognized we are not alone in our ideas of what IS a family......we are born wanting the very same things before we grow up and change....

No comments:

Post a Comment