The sudden breeze from the open door made me spin around from folding my clothes in my bedroom cottage, my radio was on the oldies station. I clicked it off at one glance of my little Grandma Norma. "Are you crying?" I asked in alarm reaching out to hug her. It was a cold winter's afternoon as Grandma quietly cried. I didn't demand to even know what was going on, I just held her as she cried, deep and heavy. I thought to myself as I held her "What did my mother say this time?"
Now I couldn't tell you much about the history between my mother and her mother, to be honest I never really knew. No one ever explained it to me from a 3rd party, nor did I catch any gossip on the topic. I only knew that they had some deep pain with each other. Clearly big misunderstandings and commonly used manipulation. I watched it all go on and on for years, Like in the many times when my mom would leave Grandma's house crying and angry. When Grandma would leave my mom's house crying and angry.
I was 24 years old when I stopped still from walking and thinking on a side walk in the center of town, it was right there in that soft morning sun light that I asked myself a very important question. A question that changed my life. "If my mom had a horrible relationship with her mother then how can I ask it of her to able to have a good relationship with me?" It was that simple question that let me breath again, it let me stop worrying with such stress. I had been trying so hard to make a friendship happen with my mom.....How silly of me to think I could just be born and somehow the whole world is made into a perfect place just by my presence. I was wanting/hoping that mom and I could be of one mind. That we could have a stronger friendship in our adult life now. But if she wasn't given the tools in her childhood to cultivate that type of a relationship, then why I was working so hard to create one like that with her?
I realized with her own mother, mom struggled daily to get along. Since they were never good friends, I can see that my approach was really all wrong. Whatever the mistakes, the grudges, the sadness that they shared in the past, it all could still be haunting my mother........I understand I can't fixed the past that is up to her, in how she made her own closure, but what I can do is just be present, be simply there for her, I can change my expectations on what I think I need or want from her. In my own respect and honesty, I can give her a helping hand. I feel really strong in understanding that I don't need her approval, her companionship or that really deeply desired Unconditional Love. I already have those things inside myself, now it's called of me to have THAT for my mother. It is actually very easy to be around my mom with this out look. It gives me such peace. I know clearly that life is WAY to short to be fighting, arguing or challenging each other.
As my Grandma sat on my bed deflated and drained from crying so long, she asked thoughtful as fresh tears slipped down her cheeks "Debby do you know what I ever did? I want to know why does your mother hate me so much? She just won't let me be her friend!" I glanced over my shoulder looking through the window at my mom's house. While shaking my head as I wonder "Why did my mother do this all the time?" (Though Grandma wasn't a saint either, I also understood this) I looked back at her again smiling as I said "It's okay Grandma, She doesn't like me either....." and we both began to giggle, realizing we are not alone after all.
My Mom was crying, something that I was use to, but not able to ever walk away from. "Your Grandma thinks her judgment is sent on high from God himself! She will try to use you against me!" I rolled my eyes for this wasn't a new thought from my mother and I was very use to this panic that mom got when she had been dealing with her mother again. I reassured her "She wouldn't do that Mom, I am NOT on anyone's side. I wish you guys would just be honest with each other." I was sighing as Mom looked me up and down with suspicion. I was left to wonder "when did this all start anyway? When did it all unfold, just one long battle lasting the whole of their relationship?"
Now I know that no one is perfect, that not everyone can see eye to eye, YET I believe that in sitting down and talking things out with honesty, with love and a humble heart, we can help each other heal. Because from what I saw growing up.....you can't get any where by playing mind games and handing out judgment.
We are given a new day every 24 hours for a simple reason, to change. To think over our approach towards another for if our system isn't working....Then A New day brings us all to a new plan, a New hope for the future!
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