The OA

Today I turn 39 years old.
and I am left in awe of time, of how fast it can all change.

There have been a few protesting events at the Trump Tower now that Donald Trump became President. Since I understand that he isn't the whole problem with our country right now, I find most of those protests to be silly yet when I saw this one I was VERY impressed!

This is talented and this is so cool!

Today is my birthday as I also share in this dance while facing my future, for I'm not sure that I am actually ready for it..................................

Journeyman Trailer

(Of Course I can't talk about Journey Man without sharing more about the show that my husband Tony is always teasing me wasn't very long in running, I think that the show was fascinating to me right as everything was changing in the entertainment world, changing in society quite quickly. For we can watch whatever we want now at any time we would like and that is so very nice, however "Journey Man." was on a scheduled showing so if ya missed it then you were lacking more information to the over all story line, I can see why it's easier now to follow a show and never miss an episode due to a busy life. Even the popular sitcom "Portlandia." makes fun of this way in watching TV now, it takes us to whole new way of living and interacting with each other. I have always loved the idea of time travel, I think of how the future is our own time travel for we face it straight on only to use our past mistakes to make better choices in our future.....

It would be nice to go back in time and fix what we now have to face.
Of course shows like these feed our own imagination and it's why I would plan out my whole day to see this show play on time, I simply enjoyed every episode so I was upset when they cancelled it suddenly just as his wife saw him travel out of real time)

Commuting takes on a whole new meaning for San Francisco newspaper reporter Dan Vasser, who unexpectedly finds himself traveling through time to change people's lives. That's the good news. The bad news is he has to explain these sudden and unpredictable disappearances to his family (including his young son, who thinks his father's disappearances are related to magic) and colleagues -- and finding himself reunited on his journeys with a long-lost fiancee who was presumed dead cannot be good for his marriage. Or can it?

First episode date: September 24, 2007

Final episode date: December 19, 2007

My Real Journey Man

It came to me in a dream, as it always comes to me that feeling of true Wonder.

That AWE we have in ourselves, I have often explained it to people that I do not need drugs, I do not need mushrooms or tree bark to see the wonder of this world. I do not need to pray to God in order to know what my gut or my soul tells me to know, I simply don't get to be in control and that's the hardest part about being alive for me....

And so I write, I write and share to help me feel in control at times or to help me process my journey.

In the end of my life you will be able to find it here connected through out all of my thoughts, memories and emotions.  I still think there could be a God above all of this but for what evidence I am given I really doubt that idea.

and yet.....and yet I wonder....

It is the WONDER that I love about being alive! I could shout it from the roof tops "LOOK! Look UP everyone and see the magic in the sky! it's right there sparkling above us at all times! True love isn't just one person, it is in ALL of us."

When my husband said "You need to start protecting yourself from such vulnerability." I chuckled because I know that will never ever happen. It is not who I am and I know it's out of kindness when most people worry that my heart will be shattered by how open and real I always am in who I am.

When I see those around me trying to protect me I am grateful, but I also know they can't succeed. I am the only one who can protect myself, who can accept myself as I am in all my problems and in all my promise!

I enjoy the approval of others but I will not compromise who I am for it, just as my life long friends who saw me stand up in church and clearly state that women have the to right to be a pastor or spiritual leader as equal to any man. I walked out fuming of course but that's a memory I was recently reminded of and it made me laugh...oh to the past, that reveals our present as to why we are who we are.......

Maybe I am spiritually minded at all time because I grew up in a church, it was my only social place to grow and learn....so God is just a prayer away.....I need no help to use my imagination in everything.

In 2007 I enjoyed a TV show just before the Hollywood writers strike called "Journey Man." it was the last great show of the TV world in my opinion. It was so intriguing about this whole time travel fix the world and change the story themed that I loved it of course.

My husband would point out that I am always looking for "The Profound". He would prefer me to have a drink, joke around more because real life is hard enough that I don't need to go looking for it in songs, in stories and in shows.
He is good for me in remembering I need to chill out and just be once in awhile.....

Yett I am transformed by what I seek, I am always wanting to learn more and more of the depths in humanity and feel the energy in weather, understand better the secret lives of creatures, Holding on to the over all awareness connected to the universe! 
It leaves me in renewed strength for the future, and I am in AWE, I am in WONDER of all of this love and life intermingled mysteries.....

My husband exclaimed "Oh God, Now you will be talking about "Journey Man." again that was like 12 years ago, give up the ghost!" I laughed and thought for a moment "But Time travel is so important for us all." In fact we time travel every time we recall a memory!

We just can't do anything about it, the memory was what happened through our own eyes.....

"Journey Man." was about going back in time in the physical body of right now knowing everything up to date but trying to change it or fix it back then so that when you return to right now again it's all different but YOU know and YOU can remember how bad it had been before you went back into time.

My real Journey Man moment was in a dream this month as I ready for my Birthday, 

I was walking towards my bedroom in a very early looking morning passed the couch hallway like area my brothers Derek and Doug greeted me, I was in shock. I knew and felt like I was in a dream!

Derek exclaimed "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!" I fell into his big hug and I had never felt so happy in all of my whole Life! What WONDER!

Dougie explained "He is here for your birthday family dinner! he says he was up in the mountains and loss track of time so he came home first to pick us up for your birthday but he scared Mom and Dad to death that I had to tell him, I had to let him know he died."

I leaned into Doug worriedly "Can we talk about it with him? He is OKAY with us sharing all of that?" Doug nodded back at me with his big handsome smile and I turned to Derek once again so happy we were all now standing in the kitchen as I said "WELCOME HOME DEAR BROTHER! I am just so HAPPY!" 

Derek leaned against the middle counter sighing "Oh Deb, it has been so weird, coming home to Mom and Dad being so alarmed by me walking through their cottage, then Davey ran away and Daren just stood frozen not speaking just starring at me, so Doug said that I needed to come see you right away and he brought me here saying something about how it's now 2018, like I don't know it's your birthday! To me it's January 28 2017! Right?" He look of fear and worry made me feel for him as I laid my head against his shoulder "Oh wow, in your world it still is 2017." Doug burst out "How did you do this Debby? Pull 2017 into 2018?? How can we fix it?" I turned to Derek "DO NOT go snowboarding next month, I beg you not to go because that is how you died! Maybe you can change the events that we all lived through and then you can catch back up to us in the right now????" 
Derek chuckled as if this was all so much to take in, as if he couldn't quite understand me but he was smiling knowingly at me at the very same time too. He was just happy to be there one arm resting around me and one arm resting around Doug, the 3 of us stood there trying to figure out what was going on! Yet we were in pure delight of each other too!

I was over the moon, I was just so truly very very happy to see Derek so real to me as if I were awake and not dreaming!

I laughed back at this perfect moment of being all together, I said to them both "This is just so magical! I am just so very happy! Now I can give you back your home like I said that I would do in a heart beat if you ever returned to us like this!"

Derek let go of Dougie and I stepping forward into his kitchen as if he saw it all for the very time, he gave me a smirk in such a way of knowing where he really was and then I woke up.

I woke up into my dark bedroom with a cat on my head pillow, a cat on my feet and snoring Minnie by my hip I glanced across the bed to sleeping little Sidda and I realized that was just a dream, a very wonderful profound dream for me!

I have not been that happy in almost a year now.

I will never be that happy again actually.

I remember how dreams can help us in our deep pain and great grief, this was always going to be one of those dreams that I will cherish forever and ever.

I saw my brother as he was just before he died, in his genuine honest joy in seeing me, with that truly brilliant light and in that amazing hopeful happiness! Pure Happiness was how I felt waking up, I had seen my brother! My wonderfully good brother! 
His arms opened out for me as he happily burst out
 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!"

and I will always remember it!

Dreams to Dream by Linda Ronstadt lyrics

Speak your Truth

It's been an interesting thing to me in seeing Oprah every where online because of her powerful inspiring speech at the Golden Globes. 

Since Oprah won the life time achievement award she gave a speech to help women fight against abuse while still making it big as she has done.

I remembered how I never missed an Oprah episode back in the days of my 20's if I could help it. For I planned everything around that 4pm hour when on regular TV channels I would hear her show start up as I started cooking dinner. 
Then I would go sit down and take it all in! Her show was so Awesome! I learned something new each day!

(It really was a wonderful time in my life back then, following her show like that)

 

Oprah said at the Awards show "Speak your Truth." Something that I have always done and it sure got me into trouble! I know what she meant, but I also know more now about how to do that without getting into so much trouble as I use to...My husband has often said I lacked the understanding of my truth not being everyone else's truth.
As I am older now I can see what he meant, I am also far more cynical now because he always confronts me when I get excited about a new idea or a new passion for something to speak about...
He brings in more information for me to not just live up in the clouds and enjoy my own little world as I have so often did growing up.
I know speaking your truth sounds great for a moment in fame, speaking your truth is a brave move when facing a bully in your life, speaking your truth is good all around advice as long as you have a sense for when that is possible and when it's best to be quiet.
How about LISTEN with truth?
We never put much focus on listening, we all have something to say for sure!
But to say "Listen in Truth, Listen in love for those around you."
Just listen.
Listen and learn.
I have come to feel at peace in not speaking at all lately.
I have seen some crazy scary things in last couple of weeks that leaves me very humble in being quiet.

I am very afraid of the future, I am worried for those I love to suffer pain and heart ache as I have, I wish I could speak my truth in changing the stories of stressful tears to loving laughter.....(perhaps it's why I write to capture the wonder of being alive and finding that deep purpose in all of it)

When I say "I have no words." I feel this fear in me that I am defeated.

When I just listen I feel like I am right where I am meant to be, in fear and in tears I just am.

When I speak my truth these days it straight forward in hopes to help others feel safe enough to do so too but if they don't that is quite alright with me too.

When I look back over my life I was everything I ever want to be, so I am grateful to just be calm and peaceful right now, my fear is real and my time is short, so I'll just listen to my favorite song awhile longer this morning then................ 

The Cranberries - Dreams

My life is changing every day in every possible way, but I am thankful for my memories triggered by songs, by great moments when I was so happy, when the summer air blew into my car as I drove to the park singing this song then walking my dog among the beauty of the Boise river and the bright blue sky!
My life in my 20's was very simple and now as I face my 40's I realize keeping it simple isn't easy and maybe not even my own choice.....

My quick reply to co-workers back then when ask "what kind of music to do you like?" I would say "The Cranberries." instantly and proudly while they would roll their eyes or laugh saying "I can see that for sure." 

My taste in music and in pop culture was always about good things, profound deep things that held heart and soul for me. I never followed a popularity trend, I just loved what I loved and I thought that I would always be 25 years old in many ways pure happy and living in the sun light fully with music like this!

My heart has been on a journey and some days I am weary in how it is now, yet some days I think this is what progression really is growing pains and a reality that only in  music we can revisit our past. I am proud of all things I had in my life, in how I sang and dance so easily to this song all the time!

The Cranberries - Analyse

I just learned that Dolores O' Riordan died yesterday in London. How beautiful she was.....
How even more beautiful was her voice!
Her songs and her classy music videos have always been a favorite of mine.

I just realized how much her music, her many popular songs played on through the decade of my 20's.

I just think back to those days with a smile and with many tears now, How beautiful that her singing decorated my life so much!

I just wish I could of stayed there in time, her songs now take me back in that instant magical way she was able to transport us all through her music and her perfect singing.

Maybe it was just my imagination but her music made my past years so memorable.......

The Pain

This morning was a very emotional one for me as my dear friend Carol called me with horrific news that her wonderful big fluffy fun cat Penny had been murder, perhaps by a raccoon in the way it was left for Carol to find.

In the trauma of this and in the shock of her beloved cat suddenly dead she called me and we cried together. "Oh My God!" was all I could first say, then "I'm so sorry! Oh Honey,  I loved that cat, you gave her the best life ever! She was such a cuddling queen!"

When we have these pets in our lives every single day, they sleep on our pillows with us and in our arms all day long, they get the biggest part of our heats and our shared life together which brings out our very best love to share to the whole world!

   

The sudden death of Penny Lady, a cat so awesome in all her stories and adventures makes me realize the death of a pet is always so heart breaking, always so painful for the companionship we have grown to enjoy in our daily lives is now gone.

This morning I cried for my friend, it's interesting to me that Penny was like a celebrity to me. I enjoyed seeing pictures of her online and I laughed over so many clever cat stories she would pull on Carol. 

When Carol explained that she called me once she could calm down and stop screaming, I burst out crying even more for her because I know that kind of pain and that kinda of trauma in sudden death. I think we do scream to let out the fear, let out the shock, we scream to let out the sudden pain that slices our very soul. As we scream when facing sudden death of a loved one we release all that pain, all that heart break to bring back within our lungs new air, we need to scream out when our pain is so very deep and so very great. 

In the new air and in the new deep breath we take on the next step towards our trauma.

In being able to realize screaming is the only proper reaction to this moment we are released of all our fear. It'll still be there that fear and pain in any devastating situation but we will be made stronger for knowing to just let go, the story has suddenly changed.

We can't re-write nor can we fix it so we resolve to react and then cry our hearts out to the pain of death that is always there especially if we loved so deeply.

The pain of death is something I know very well, so I think of how it can never be avoid. Although like this morning it can sure take us by surprise!

I am so grateful we can cry to release this very same pain along the way, we can be motivated by anger and be made smart by fear in this pain of loss as well,  but I am ever so grateful for just crying.

The Reality

 

And I know this to be very true.

I know that I am not ashamed of who I am now just wish I could remember what use to make me feel brave back then? I am rebuilding myself or reinventing....so I want to remember something about who I was before the day my brother died? I think it's such a deep personal quest in what I am facing that at times I feel as though I can't carry another new moment of the future.  I know these are reactions to trauma, to painful loss and hurting grief as I have faced but sometimes I just need to write it out.........

The reality is we are all running out of time. The future will not slow down. We can only choose how to react and even then we might not have the strength to face it ever again.....

I know that my grief will never go away, and I am growing comfortable with that knowledge.  

It's like the deep blue sea once you see it you are never the same. 

Not ever..............

The Future's Open Wide....

Fighting For Humanity

Jon Katz writes about our instant online connection that can be misunderstood, judgmental and hurtful.

             He captures a very real problem in our instant chats or our instant emails to one another, we can leave a comment in reply to what we think or how we feel without seeing the face of the other person who just posted something that now triggers our responses.  

We judge when we are not even aware that we are judging! 

These are crazy days in our society, as our President Trump tweets out his feelings at 3am from the White House or his Trump tower. 

It reminds me of a video game when he makes the next move and send out the next topic for everyone else to handle in the morning!

I feel exhausted by this whole system sometimes, and yet I also get online every morning with my coffee to check in on how everyone I love is doing, I wonder what on the main topics in the news, then I smile when I receive a message of facebook! the pros and cons are in there on my lap top.

I feel like we need a whole new book entitled "Miss Manner's new social media world." A How to behave when online in order to stay sane, kind of book....

I feel like some basic tips and basic healthy boundaries are needed to guide us better.

I guess where ever there are people coming together in conversation or in connection then misunderstanding, disagreements and arguments will unfold.

In today's world that is just one click away, not just reserved for family reunions anymore......

It's important to share and to connect, to give each other a chance in learning and growing along side this whole new world of online stories.  

I wonder in a hundred years what it will show of us, what will the future people think of our behavior?

I sure hope we can be proud of it in the end.........

OneRepublic - Apologize

My husband said to me the other night "I have noticed it's like a tick with you in saying "I don't take it personal." You say it ALL the time, I don't think you even notice it. Instead of saying "I don't take it personal." start saying "I don't give a fuck."  
I choked on my coffee in that moment of our conversation and looked around all alarmed. I smirked  back at him explaining myself "I think it's a defense to not get sucked into drama of others....I say it to remind myself not be distracted or caught up in it." 
He shook his head at me stating "You make the drama or the situation about you if you say "I don't take it personal." Why not take it personal if someone is mean to you? Are you a door mat? Are you not worthy of respect so fight back or get it solved whatever misunderstanding, or bad situation that comes up dealing with it right away is far better then letting it continued on."  I chuckled and sipped on my coffee realizing he was right, just like he has to remind me every so often to apologize when I start avoiding it again. I have to retrain my mind on what it means really means to be weak, saying I am sorry when I am in the wrong is not a bad thing to face, it's an honest thing and I am still learning how to allow myself that kind of vulnerability.
I will try to not mislead myself, to not be afraid of conflict or misunderstandings.
I will try to apologize better and be honest in a caring way so that I can better my relationships or let them fade out if they are putting me into constant drama.
A new year always brings out new ways to think of things, to try new habits and new routines....my own brain has pathways in how I think so while I want to reinvent myself, I will try out a new trail of thought because chances are that I do give a fuck if I am actually honest....:-)

 

Setting Intention

As a new year begins I am not very sure I can handle it, I use to get so excited about choosing a word of the year and focusing all my intention on it so that I can make that word a part of myself.

As the years add up from doing this I think about all the words that I use to think made me stronger and wiser....yet while I attended a yoga workshop about setting intentions for the new year I realized there is a whole other list of words that apply to me perfectly right now.

I always tell people when they lived through trauma to give themselves grace and rest.

Yet I haven't taken that advice for myself lately, I keep trying to stay busy or I get so worried for others going through any stressful situation. I know that choosing a word for a year is rather silly when nothing really prepare us for the future.

Taking this workshop was very interesting to me as we were given a list of 9 obstacles that keep us from our intentions;

1. Illness 

2. Lack of Engery

3. Doubt

4. Hast

5. Distraction

6. Resignation

7. Arrogance

8. Inertia

9. Lack of Confidence

I have all of these in me right now,  I have defeat and weariness too. I am very afraid of the future. I know that I have been traumatized. I know that I am still alive on the earth for awhile longer so I have to face this fear in me in order to move forward.

I have been thinking about how in this new year it's my intention to grow a garden, and have many friends over for a fire pit and good BBQ. It's my intention to share good foods and friendship.

I think for 2018 my word is Intention.

and here I wasn't sure I could pick out a word as last year comes to mind through so much pain and grief....Putting Courage into practice ended up kicking my ass.

I think only time will tell if I can use my intention to lessen my fear of the future.....

Winter's weariness

It's such a cold day as I pack up the Christmas decor, as I feel so weary.

I am not that excited about a new year, in fact I am not in a hurry to get into the future.

It's nice to be home for the pets are all napping peacefully as it's snows a little outside.

I am noticing they are all growing older, Minnie can't hear at all anymore with gray hair around her eyes, with her moaning when she moves about.

Sidda gets clearly confused as soon as it gets dark at night, she sure dreams a lot and has an occasional breathing issue. I think she is so cute all the time, she loves to sleep deeply in among the messy bed.

I love that she gets along with Minnie or Oscar so well since they can't be in the same room with each other without a bad dog fight. Oscar has grown old in being very annoyed of Minnie, he attacks her even when she is just napping on the couch so I keep him in his own room. I give him my own personal attention and keep him away from even the cats if he is extra grumpy/growling a lot. 

The cats all have heath issues too, so while I give them bone broth and medicines I think it's very clear to me that my elderly pets are making me want to stay at home as much as possible.

 I always knew they would grow old but now I feel a bit afraid to move forward into this new year with possible health issues they may have.

I guess my hesitation is apart of the evidence I see in how time is changing once again around my home.

 I love slowing down, I love simply being with my 6 elderly pets.

Since time is all I have I will do my best to give them the best home possible!

My brother Derek gave me a blanket with dogs on it a couple of Christmases ago, he always teased me that my facebook page was full of pictures of my pets. 

I look back at those pictures now with such awe of how lovely it all was back then, it was a lot of work at times but I wouldn't of change it for the world!

I am cuddling up right now with that very same blanket, with that same delight to stay warm in all this winter's weariness.....

Time Awareness

I woke up yesterday feeling worried sick, I felt like I was about to face a very difficult day and so as I cared over my pets I kept feeling I am needed at the Hospital.

Yet I didn't check the Facebook page that has the information for my beloved friend's baby boy, because I already felt that something was wrong and I tried to avoid it with chores.

I finally did check on it and didn't waste another second getting down to the hospital.

I woke up today very afraid.

I think yesterday was harder then I had anticipated being at the hospital while my friends face the struggles of their newborn.

I keep trying to sing to myself "Ooooo child, things will get easier, Ooooo child things will get brighter." his tiny little hands and feet show such personality, his parents love him so much!

I want the very best outcome and very best life story for him!

Time is all I have, it's all I can give. and it's rather a helpless awareness in times like this.

We sat in quietness, we sat in a moment together, it's a very helpless and humbling feeling to just sit and wait, to realize the serious stressful situation. 

Time is all I have.

I read this Article this morning in my tears and in my worries from my loving step-mother-in-law Teresa. I have been telling her all about this situation, and how I don't feel as strong as I use when facing situations like this in the past.....

I woke up with my friends on my mind and their baby boy in my heart <3

Tree Well Awareness

It's important this time of the year as skiers and snowboarders take to the mountains, that we talk about all the dangers out there for them in the snow, in last year's horrid snow storms, in all that crazy snow those tree wells were very deep....they were intensely created from such a bad winter. 

My brother was always talking about being safe, and being smart.

He was a very good snowboarder, he wasn't stupid, he wasn't weak in any way that hitting the slopes on his weekends was a normal thing for him to do.

And yet when he hit a treewell he died.

He had been soaking up the bright sun light of that almost spring like warmth. It was the last Saturday of February 2017. 

I am assuming he knew how spring was just around the corner so getting out early onto the slopes with his friends was important in capturing such a great day snowboarding! I am also assuming that he was very happy, very at ease in his favorite past time!

So for all of his strength and wisdom, for all of his talent and skill as he traveled alone down the slope of the mountain the tree well claimed him. 

I have wondered to myself if he said "Oh no! This is NOT good!"

or if he actually cussed saying "Well Shit!" when he saw the tree trunk coming at him?

Maybe he prayed, maybe he sent out messages of love to all his loved ones in his thoughts? Maybe he didn't realize what had happened? Maybe he simply fell asleep in peace and a real snow angel came to help him leave that body behind?

Maybe I will always wondered about this, and wish he could of been saved in that sudden fall.

Treewells are very dangerous.

So for all his youth, for all his adventures and for all his conversations with me as I bugged him about safety, He didn't plan on falling into a tree well that day. And he didn't have a partner right beside him in case of trouble like that................

I can not warn enough, I can not keep silent about the importance of avoiding tree wells. The importance of knowing all of the dangers in dealing with snow!

I don't mind if people say that I nag on about this.....For I understand the cost, the loss and the great pain in seeing how treewells will claim the lives of the people who got trapped in them!

Just like from the popular movie "Finding Nemo." I ask everyone "Do you have your exit buddy?"

In other words never ski/snowboard alone among the trees of those snowy mountains.

Treewells are Trouble.

Eyes open and Be Safe out there!

O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Constant Sorrow