My Real Journey Man

It came to me in a dream, as it always comes to me that feeling of true Wonder.

That AWE we have in ourselves, I have often explained it to people that I do not need drugs, I do not need mushrooms or tree bark to see the wonder of this world. I do not need to pray to God in order to know what my gut or my soul tells me to know, I simply don't get to be in control and that's the hardest part about being alive for me....

And so I write, I write and share to help me feel in control at times or to help me process my journey.

In the end of my life you will be able to find it here connected through out all of my thoughts, memories and emotions.  I still think there could be a God above all of this but for what evidence I am given I really doubt that idea.

and yet.....and yet I wonder....

It is the WONDER that I love about being alive! I could shout it from the roof tops "LOOK! Look UP everyone and see the magic in the sky! it's right there sparkling above us at all times! True love isn't just one person, it is in ALL of us."

When my husband said "You need to start protecting yourself from such vulnerability." I chuckled because I know that will never ever happen. It is not who I am and I know it's out of kindness when most people worry that my heart will be shattered by how open and real I always am in who I am.

When I see those around me trying to protect me I am grateful, but I also know they can't succeed. I am the only one who can protect myself, who can accept myself as I am in all my problems and in all my promise!

I enjoy the approval of others but I will not compromise who I am for it, just as my life long friends who saw me stand up in church and clearly state that women have the to right to be a pastor or spiritual leader as equal to any man. I walked out fuming of course but that's a memory I was recently reminded of and it made me laugh...oh to the past, that reveals our present as to why we are who we are.......

Maybe I am spiritually minded at all time because I grew up in a church, it was my only social place to grow and learn....so God is just a prayer away.....I need no help to use my imagination in everything.

In 2007 I enjoyed a TV show just before the Hollywood writers strike called "Journey Man." it was the last great show of the TV world in my opinion. It was so intriguing about this whole time travel fix the world and change the story themed that I loved it of course.

My husband would point out that I am always looking for "The Profound". He would prefer me to have a drink, joke around more because real life is hard enough that I don't need to go looking for it in songs, in stories and in shows.
He is good for me in remembering I need to chill out and just be once in awhile.....

Yett I am transformed by what I seek, I am always wanting to learn more and more of the depths in humanity and feel the energy in weather, understand better the secret lives of creatures, Holding on to the over all awareness connected to the universe! 
It leaves me in renewed strength for the future, and I am in AWE, I am in WONDER of all of this love and life intermingled mysteries.....

My husband exclaimed "Oh God, Now you will be talking about "Journey Man." again that was like 12 years ago, give up the ghost!" I laughed and thought for a moment "But Time travel is so important for us all." In fact we time travel every time we recall a memory!

We just can't do anything about it, the memory was what happened through our own eyes.....

"Journey Man." was about going back in time in the physical body of right now knowing everything up to date but trying to change it or fix it back then so that when you return to right now again it's all different but YOU know and YOU can remember how bad it had been before you went back into time.

My real Journey Man moment was in a dream this month as I ready for my Birthday, 

I was walking towards my bedroom in a very early looking morning passed the couch hallway like area my brothers Derek and Doug greeted me, I was in shock. I knew and felt like I was in a dream!

Derek exclaimed "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!" I fell into his big hug and I had never felt so happy in all of my whole Life! What WONDER!

Dougie explained "He is here for your birthday family dinner! he says he was up in the mountains and loss track of time so he came home first to pick us up for your birthday but he scared Mom and Dad to death that I had to tell him, I had to let him know he died."

I leaned into Doug worriedly "Can we talk about it with him? He is OKAY with us sharing all of that?" Doug nodded back at me with his big handsome smile and I turned to Derek once again so happy we were all now standing in the kitchen as I said "WELCOME HOME DEAR BROTHER! I am just so HAPPY!" 

Derek leaned against the middle counter sighing "Oh Deb, it has been so weird, coming home to Mom and Dad being so alarmed by me walking through their cottage, then Davey ran away and Daren just stood frozen not speaking just starring at me, so Doug said that I needed to come see you right away and he brought me here saying something about how it's now 2018, like I don't know it's your birthday! To me it's January 28 2017! Right?" He look of fear and worry made me feel for him as I laid my head against his shoulder "Oh wow, in your world it still is 2017." Doug burst out "How did you do this Debby? Pull 2017 into 2018?? How can we fix it?" I turned to Derek "DO NOT go snowboarding next month, I beg you not to go because that is how you died! Maybe you can change the events that we all lived through and then you can catch back up to us in the right now????" 
Derek chuckled as if this was all so much to take in, as if he couldn't quite understand me but he was smiling knowingly at me at the very same time too. He was just happy to be there one arm resting around me and one arm resting around Doug, the 3 of us stood there trying to figure out what was going on! Yet we were in pure delight of each other too!

I was over the moon, I was just so truly very very happy to see Derek so real to me as if I were awake and not dreaming!

I laughed back at this perfect moment of being all together, I said to them both "This is just so magical! I am just so very happy! Now I can give you back your home like I said that I would do in a heart beat if you ever returned to us like this!"

Derek let go of Dougie and I stepping forward into his kitchen as if he saw it all for the very time, he gave me a smirk in such a way of knowing where he really was and then I woke up.

I woke up into my dark bedroom with a cat on my head pillow, a cat on my feet and snoring Minnie by my hip I glanced across the bed to sleeping little Sidda and I realized that was just a dream, a very wonderful profound dream for me!

I have not been that happy in almost a year now.

I will never be that happy again actually.

I remember how dreams can help us in our deep pain and great grief, this was always going to be one of those dreams that I will cherish forever and ever.

I saw my brother as he was just before he died, in his genuine honest joy in seeing me, with that truly brilliant light and in that amazing hopeful happiness! Pure Happiness was how I felt waking up, I had seen my brother! My wonderfully good brother! 
His arms opened out for me as he happily burst out
 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!"

and I will always remember it!