Never the same again...

When we were at the hospital all the time this past summer hours ran into days and days into weeks, Just a few days after my mother's stroke in the chaos of moving her out of the ICU. In the raw emotions of us all, the nurses seemed unsure of what they were doing for our mother. THIS was not the best behavior of the part of the hospital staff since I knew any personal question to my sensitive father like "What meds is she on?" "When was the last time she had this or that done?" QUESTIONS like this made it look like they were clueless and I cringed. With my father if you don't know then you are not doing your job, I learned later that it's part of the policy to always ask even if they already know. Pretty soon my father would be fit to be tied, then everyone would be walking on egg shells with him telling me to send him home right away. I would just shake my head saying "No one can tell my father to do anything, even if it's time he got some sleep." I called my brother to ask him what to do, he is the only sibling who can both calm our Dad and take over without any conflict. When the evening came of this emotional roller coaster day our father headed home completely wiped out with my teenaged brothers this left us adult children standing together. The head nurse finally came to explain how our mother was still in danger of more brain swelling so a hot shower which was mom's main repetitive request all day long could not be met safely at this time. My sister Dana was all ready to do the shower herself with my help, my brother Derek who called the shots for our father seemed calmed but suspicious at the same time. I stood between them, thinking here we are the first three kids in the big family. We are all around the age of 30, elbow to elbow, listening to how the day's craziness is finally explained. Mom was still trying to get up or calling out for the nurse as the head nurse smiled at us while saying "You may notice she has changed, this comes from the stroke." I heard myself say inside my head "No shit." but I just nodded at her quietly as Derek explains "Yes she has changed, she used to be the most generous giving person that ever lived and so sweet!" I looked at him side ways realizing how she behaved around him was different then when she was around me. I began to realize in this environment when fear, trauma and stress takes over we create heroes and angels out of our hurt family members. It isn't bad thing, we are living in open raw emotional time thinking things through are almost humanly impossible. The nurse mention our mother's health when my sister burst forth with her own input saying "There was NO ONE more healthier in this world then HER." I frowned in confusion because I never got that impression from our mother. If sugar was a drug then Mom was a true addict, but then how do you explain that in this moment of pure chaos? I stood there in the middle realizing that on both sides of me are strong opposite personalities, I grew up right here, right here in this position my whole life. I don't think they were wrong, just exaggerated a bit due the fact we were watching our mother be confined to the hospital bed. My mother was always wanting to be healthy but couldn't past up a treat, she would give you anything from her garden of produce but all the while judging the outside world as a horrid sinful place. I saw her in a different way because she treated me very different. It's not a horrible thing to say she was an angel or a hero, a super woman of true health or mother Teresa in giving the world a loving hand. But the facts prove otherwise, I realized I didn't have to explain a thing in this moment. That head nurse focused in on me when she spoke and we made eye contact as I saw her smile and nod at us while trusting me to remain respectful towards her. I suddenly realized that I was never going to be the same person after all of this. My mother asking for a hot shower over and over again with her adorable lisp, with her one good arm swinging out grabbing and throwing things I knew I am forever changed and I am never going back. Later that same day when mom being clearly confused and NOT in the present threw the TV controls across the room, I just chuckled as it hit the wall. Looking at Mom I said "WELL I guess that is not important now is it?" Her shrugged annoyingly. and I went home that evening to throw away all my baking stuff. No more sugar or gluten for me, no more flour or grains. My mother had a stroke and she was the one who taught me nutrition, she said to me even a month before her stroke that eating EVERYTHING is the best way to live, the best way to cover all the nutrition out there. SHE said this over another cherry coke, a beverage she never went a day without.....that is why I know I am changed. I will never go back to the same ol' foods, the same ol' idea to eat everything in being healthy. Simply my mother and I, both, are never going to be the same again.

Half Tanked

I remember the very time I went rafting, the beautiful Idaho mountains full of pine trees and wild flowers, big birds, small birds and even butterflies. Rafting down the payette river was like entering one of those TV nature shows, only more personal. Even from driving on the road above you don't get to really see it all like in my first rafting journey. I was in my element feeling the strength in my arms as I paddled along, it really was a moment of soul searching in my awe of the world around us. I loved the beaming sunshine and coolness in dipping into the water then with my same big arms once again I could pull myself back into the raft after swimming in the calm part of the river......This is my kind of "work out" rafting the river laughing with friends!....maybe enjoying a ice cold beer now and again too:-)


The group all met at the gas station just before we hit the mountains side to drive up to unload our rafting gear and take off down the white waters. My husband Tony said he would fill the car up as I ran to the restroom and bought some bottle waters. When he suddenly yell out to me from the gas station doors "DEBBY get me a Reese cup too!" His mother stood next to me and we both gave each other THAT LOOK. Mama Jojo Hissed back "YOU get it yourself, Debby is busy." I giggle as I set my stuff on at the register Tony hurried over with his requested saying "They don't have DARK chocolate reeses....so I didn't get any I guess, OH grab sunflower seeds!" I roll my eyes mumbling "Gross, now I will have to watch you spit out seed shells all the way there. Nasty." The register clerk smiled and nodded at me then Tony suddenly threw in some jerky to our order with his Mom standing behind us saying "You are holding up the line guys." So as we raced back to our car I said "Tone you can't leave the car at the pump if you are not using it...look at the line people are waiting!" I hurried and noticed he hesitated as he put away the pump. We all were off up the highway after a few mountains corners I worried out loud "Oh no the gas tank gadget-thingy is broken." Tony choked on his drink and coughed a bit then looked all around shifting in his seat. He finally said slowly "I might not have gassed up....." I squealed "WE ARE UNDER THE EMPTY LINE......We are NOT going to make it there TONY!" I had my cell phone in my ear as I could feel a huge laughter starting to choke me..."Hey Mom we have to turn back and get gas....Yup He forgot! We will not make it there without any gas." Laughter was coming from us both by this time as crazy as this moment was...it also was Tony's usual kind of adventures. Mom swung her car back down the mountain to be with us saying "Tony if we didn't love you, we would kill you!" I on the other hand had been laughing so hard my eyes were watering all the way back to the gas station! Tony explained "Well I started to get gas but I realized I needed a candy bar so I would just shout into the store to have Debby get that then I would go back to pump the gas however I got distracted....I guess." I was still giggling as I pumped the gas, for not being stranded on the mountain side with no cell phone service because of all of this could have happened....driving all the way back was far better to feeling safe again. I still can burst out into giggles remember the look on Tony's face when I had no idea, he was wondering to himself how to get around this but knew a straight answer is what I always want.   
AND then I can honestly laugh....  

I love you, I love you, I love you

WE really can not say it enough yet it can also be a difficult thing to say at the very same time! But for my life I hope to never stop using it and continuing to understand what it means....LOVE has thousands of layers to it for the power in such an emotion can send you flying into the clouds or making it simply possible to breath again. I LOVE YOU are words to celebrate and enjoy! Words to share and a life time to live for! My birthday was yesterday and I love my life, all the amazing people in it too!

The Ring, The Scream

I really thought the most terrifying movie ever was "The Ring" while watching it with my then boyfriend Tony, so in my early 20's I wasn't use to that style of movie. And I didn't open my eyes through the worse craziest parts of the scary story. Then years later after we were married I was sleeping deep into the night when the sound of Tony up peeing also reminding me of the same need to go. I stood up quickly within a few seconds of waiting sleepily for Tony with my long hair hanging messily down my face, Then suddenly there was a huge scream that was so loud and so unexpected it made me hit the floor in reaction to hide in such panic. Tony had rounded the corner to the bedroom and saw me standing there completely still with no real face in the dark and instantly remembered the scary movie "The Ring" and then screamed! I crawled up from the floor mad that he had scared me to death and he went to bed mad that I had been standing there not caring to remove my hair from my face. Although we both agreed he has NEVER screamed that loud before.....Even though I was laughing later when I was glad to know I hadn't peed myself in whole dramatic event and in also thinking to myself of what I must have looked like for him. I had to really convince him I hadn't planned it all, I explained to him saying "If I was trying to startle you at 3am in the morning why would I scream back at you and hit the floor the second you saw me?" Then my giggles began again realizing how some movies have those moments that stay with you forever.........

Red Velvet and that little girl smile......

I am not sure if my husband would think I am as clever and funny as I personally see myself BUT I defiantly can laugh looking back every time:-)

It was fun to bake all the time when I was a baking fool and in our days of the condo either dancing down the smooth long hallway, watching TV or baking were pretty much it.

I was overhearing the loud noises from the TV in my tiny kitchen as I jumped back suddenly and spun around in alarm with my big fluffy white towel covered in Red Velvet Cake batter exclaiming "OH MY GOD! TONY LOOK!" He screamed suddenly at this sight as I held the towel out right in front of him. So from his cozy chair in front of the TV He jumped back after his first scream with wide eyes and yelled "WHAT THE....!?!" I stop my dramatic look of panic with a normal sigh trying not to die laughing at Tony's frozen face explaining "I got red velvet cake batter all over my new kitchen towel...." He replied "That wasn't funny....you are not very good with using knifes, what the hell was I going to do?" My heavy laughter had me crawling back to the kitchen of baking......

A Rubber Snake

When I reflect over my life I realize some things never change like my desire to laugh until I cry and my sides hurt. Putting flowers in my hair, twirling and playing hide n' Seek outside. I am an actual grown up now.......although I say clearly "Oh HELL Nooooo." Along with a certain defiance to the reality, that clear understanding I always had over how the world could spit us out or let us fly as soon as we grow up......SO I will choose to fly:-)

My husband Tony sat watching tv next me when he stated "Well I never made it to the bathroom..." I flew up from our couch like a bomb in alarm and pure panic exclaiming "WHAT?!?" He was surprised with his hand still in our popcorn bowl looking at me oddly "Its no big deal, I will get it done tomorrow....?" I hesitated thinking to myself that this is crazy because.......then it hits me, the broken handle on the toilet in the bathroom! I burst out laughing so hard and he shook his head once again at my oddness as I explain "Don't say it LIKE THAT! "I didn't make it to the bathroom???!!!???" Suddenly Tony started laughing also while saying "I guess with me you never know..." Our condo bathroom ceiling was ripped out due the upstairs neighbor broken pipe, it was truly scary looking all ripped up and pipes sticking out so I covered it in plastic then while talking to my sister-in-law I got the idea of setting a rubber snake up there........

It's so easy to get to my husband because his list of things that annoy or startle him is quite long. I casually mention hearing a weird noise in the open ceiling while in a phone chat earlier in the afternoon, he hated this whole event of trying to get it fixed. That night when he got home from work I mention that I hadn't been in the back of the condo all evening so as he entered the bathroom I heard the door hit the wall as he fell back in alarm at the sight of the shadowy snake resting on the plastic  while exclaiming "DEBBY!" then when he saw me with my tears of laughing so hard into my blanket he realized it was just a rubber snake and I really couldn't help myself!

Growing up is a real event, but not loosing the ability to laugh and cry or joke and play can help with the responsibilities that follow our age. Whenever someone says "Grow up." I always shrug in reply thinking "That is just not going to happen....at least not for me. I see adult hood in a romantic way of leading the next generation to a better happier life while sharing in the endless youth of our souls! Life is way to short to not buy a rubber snake or find a swing! 

life is Good, so laugh it up!

Such Amazing Strength

Pole Dancing

I have loved Pole dancing for years now, I have tried it out on my own realizing that it takes such strength and muscle to hold such body weight out right while the swinging pulls you out into the air. It is such an amazing feeling of excitement, as well just being pure FUN! 

Most people might think pole dancing is done by only strippers, and I think for me this idea changed while watching the Oprah show maybe 10 years ago when she showed how healthy as well as what a great exercise tool this pole is! I was in AWE with these dancers, for they are truly talented, artistic and of course very STRONG! I would love to take an actual class sometime and let ya know what it is really like.....(My swinging from the pole in the wine tour bus doesn't count but it was a memorable wonderful fun feeling in that one of a kind sexy dancing!)  So remember Don't pass by a pole without at least giving it a twirl:-D

Moving to the Mall

To say I grew up in the Boise town square mall means I was there on the job sight as the foundation was laid and the huge metal beams were being set into place....I am not sure if I was actually allowed to be there but I was amazed by it all as my father and his father walked through the place talking about all kinds of details in the beginning structure. I was maybe 9 years old, looking down at my black shiny Sunday school shoes covered in construction site dust, my golden hair of perfectly created curls that my mother made bounce along with me. It was quiet for the Sunday afternoon everything was frozen in action and we walked through the grounds. My father explain "This is going to be 2 levels with an open courtyard at the center right about here..." I was sometimes paying attention to what he was saying and sometimes just starring at the big equipment all round me. When the grand opening came for the mall, it was all over the news and I saw big crowds of people and tons of cars on the TV screen. I watched in awe realizing that I had walked through the place before it was an actual building! It was something important for me to remember so naturally I did! Since my parents didn't like crowds, we didn't go. Now Halloween was the approaching holiday, my parents didn't like that day as well so it was the first time we as a young family went to the newly open mall. I was in awe by the whole place, the flashing signs of stores and music playing over head. The mall was a fun new place to shop safely out of the natural weather while not being bored in only one store! It was such a very clever idea I thought to myself on our first trip there on that fun Halloween day, (In facts for a few years every Halloween we spent it at the mall to avoid trick or treaters at our front door) 
I grew up in the mall, I really did. 
Was I lucky to have been born just as the American people became credit card hungry and delusional with need of thousands of products? Now I was among them, seeking the desires of nice things like everyone else only I GREW UP in this mess so I got to see it in a different light by the time I reached the age of 20. THE MALL where everything you buy makes you feel successful even though you are not.....I had to learn a very humbling experience all on my own and that isn't such a bad thing really. There are many layers to our society, the mall store windows display the kind of perfect life we all want but those store employees had to come in at four in the morning to setup the merchandise to catch your eye, the hours of business shoot out profit numbers that have to be reach in time to close with success, the more credit cards open that day the chances those profit desires were met as well as the consumer carrying new bags full of brand new sparkling things. I thought by having every department store credit card I could make it on my own in the world of the mall. That I had arrived in claiming that perfect life image from the sparkling shop windows. Didn't the mall promise happiness if you were wearing GAP and smelling like White diamonds? Wasn't the mall meant to cater to our every pleasure with Dairy Queen's ice cream cones and Brookstone's back massage chairs? There is the "cat and mouse" life behind the scenes of each shop in the mall. Profit goals pushed on every customer and clearance items to get rid of quickly, bossing minimum waged employees from up on high step stools to hanging a row of heavy new shirts up at the very same time maintaining a smile when a rude customer demands 50% off a brand new store item. This life and energy in a mall is to get what you can for yourself no matter if you are an employee or customer....I will always remember the day I changed, the day I sat on the bench in the middle of the mall watching these people moving all around me with those big bright sale signs slapped on the walls and windows as the overhead music played......I can't live this way anymore. THAT was the thought I had rolling over and over again inside of me, this was the new "Rat race" in our society, this moving to the mall for jobs, for shopping all in one place I just saw chaos. I sat there looking down at my feet again realizing I wasn't wearing my Sunday school shoes anymore, this building was now very well established over the decade. Instead I was wearing my new balance tennis shoes holding my starbucks coffee cup saying over and over again to myself with a calm happy smile "I can't live like this anymore."  Perhaps that is a natural thought we all have in the progression of our lives to change from what we have learned in our discovery of something else that is more important to us?  I was never the same after that day sitting on the mall bench by myself thinking deeply about everything I saw in front of me, this mall structure and endless consuming desires we all share and it never seems to come t an end. I was free from seeking such an image of success in the world's eyes.....I was truly relaxed and happy drinking my coffee knowing I won't buy into it anymore. I couldn't shop along side my mother in the same way after that of course, for I had stood in long lines at Christmas time, shared milkshakes with best friends to the hum of mall shoppers, tried on piles of clothes in those fitting rooms and rode the escalate for fun with my siblings, even meeting my Grandma for lunch ALL at that mall. I knew I was never  going to be the same person in consuming their life style standards. My mother got frustrated with me not wanting to buy anything even on sale. I was simply done with living like that, with growing up in the mall. I knew I had changed but the mall seemed to stay untouched, not everyone was going to understand my new thoughts on shopping.....but the simple fact was that I had moved out of the mall.

"Mmmoooooommmm, can Rebekah and I go on our own to get a milkshake?" I asked my mother from outside the dressing room in JCpennys. Mom was trying on jeans again and said "Okay BUT stay together like always....I'm almost done here and will meet you at the tables, I mean it STAY TOGETHER Debby." I smiled excitedly at my best friend since we were only 10 years old in this freshly painted mall, we went to look for new discovers while being on our own gave us a sense of Independence that we truly loved!

Slip Sliding around...

Yesterday I was amazed at how much longer it took me to reach my parents home in the big snow fall. All winter long we have had dry crisp cold clear roads. It was good for me who drove out twice a week in December to help my mother out, having safe roads made the trip easy and quick. So yesterday as I drove in the car, I had to keep myself calm, if I slide off or hit something it won't be the end of the world or so I told myself as I drove slowly along. Even my 3 dogs in the back seat seemed to sense the tension and laid down quietly. My mom was really thoughtful in saying I could always sleep over in her cottage if the roads got real bad. Also My father said he would drive me home that night if the storm didn't let up. But it was quite warm and slushy when I did head on home that evening, I was glad my parents could stay cozy in at home when I left. I arrived in one piece after a close call in slip sliding around coming off the free way that morning. Once I got inside my mother's warm cozy cottage I made some hot tea and breakfast then heard Mom singing so I found out what song it was and brought it up on the computer. She was amazed by how fast that was and she listened to this song over and over again while I tried to get my brothers to dance with me in the living room. It opened a whole string of memories from my mother about her grandparents and her father, of her childhood times and this song she sang again. I was thinking to myself that getting out there was stressful but I was glad to have this moment with my mother even more! She may get frustrated trying to bake things in the kitchen as long I can stay close by so she doesn't fall and yet I know her frustration is apart of the healing and new understanding in all her limits. If she is trying on her own then she can't blame anyone else for not letting her do what she wants, I think it's a big part in giving her respect. Letting her gain her own dignity back in doing more things in the kitchen as she figures out how to stand on her own again. My mother was singing then stop to thoughtful share "My father use to love Jim Reeves and all his music, when I think of this song I can see my father again like it was yesterday...." I stayed on my knees by her lap looking up with a smile knowing with or without a snow storm this music made her happy again....

A Book Review "The Hunger Games"

Now I have heard about this book and story line of the "Hunger Games" for awhile before I actually read it. I thought it sounded very sadistic, so I might not like it. The story about how these hunger games are of the capital owning the outside districts villages of people, then take their children for a reality TV show survival game, just for the entertainment of the Capital citizens. The hunger games are a survival situation where 2 kids a boy and girl between the ages of 12 to 18 from each village have to fight in a setup wilderness to stay alive. Everything is watched by the game makers of the capital and the entertainment is only one kid wins by killing the rest. Then they are honored and fed better then the rest in their district. I think the movie for this looks really good, if not very close to the story in the book. I was pleased this story wasn't as bloody as I first thought. Then I began realizing everyone living in fear was allowing the control of the capital to take their children to the hunger games. The bravery of Katnass Everdean and how she could always plan ahead is the part of the book that sucked me in completely. I would recommend reading this for excitement and the debate over such government control and political issues it brings up. I would hope it never came to playing with life and death in our own country, in our own government.....hmmm wait a minuet......THIS story gives you quite a bit to questioned and think about.

Words of the song "Allentown" by Billy Joel

Well we're living here in Allentown
And they're closing all the factories down
Out in Bethlehem they're killing time
Filling out forms
Standing in line
 

Well our fathers fought the Second World War
Spent their weekends on the Jersey Shore
Met our mothers in the USO
Asked them to dance
Danced with them slow
And we're living here in Allentown
But the restlessness was handed down
And it's getting very hard to stay
 

Well we're waiting here in Allentown
For the Pennsylvania we never found
For the promises our teachers gave
If we worked hard
If we behaved
So the graduations hang on the wall
But they never really helped us at all
No they never taught us what was real
Iron and coke
And chromium steel
And we're waiting here in Allentown
But they've taken all the coal from the ground
And the union people crawled away
Every child has a pretty good shot
To get at least as far as their old man got
But something happened on the way to that place
They threw an American flag in our place
 

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down
But I won't be getting very hard to stay
And we're living here in Allentown

 

 

(I think this song explains so much of our history and applies to our everyday life now, I hope we can keep from actually repeating our history but....yet here we are alive in these words once again)

New years eve party of 2011

It was a beautiful evening to welcome in a new year, I was eagerly seeking to get out of 2011 as fast as I could! So for our celebrating time I enjoyed the variety show at the visual arts collective. It was such a talented fun show with my dear friend Brecca as an MC. I loved dressing up and drinking beer until we moved to champagne at the stroke of midnight. At our table my husband and I met new friends laughing and visiting. We watched in awe at the dancers and actors. We enjoyed a dance on the floor with the many colorful creative people surrounding us. I know that I can't tell if 2012 will be a better year, although I DO know that life needs to be embraced either way it goes....and My new years resolution is to Dance a hell of a lot more! For when I spin arms way out into the afternoon sunshine I can't help but look up at the world with a smile as each day will always start over!
May this new year find you with inner peace, self confidence and unconditional love full of grace in the spirit of who you are as the world keeps moving forward....... 

Dogs of Bedlam Farm

These are beautiful dogs that inspire me every day to be the best pet owner I can be! 

The beautiful soul of Rose is gone from this picture now as time moves us forward.....But I  still love this blog that brings me to their farm and lives as such loved dogs. 
In honoring of Rose, honoring each of them.
May you also love your own pets better and better everyday!

How to make Candy Oranges

This my new favorite holiday candy, I hope to get good at making these. Today I am setting aside the 6 hours or so it takes to make them,

YUM YUM!

1. First pour 4 1/2 cups of water in a deep skillet or pot.
2. whisk in 2 1/2 cups of regular sugar.
3. heat pot on medium heat until it comes to a boil.
4. slice oranges I like the whole circled slice look.
5. After sugar water boils turn down to low then add the fresh orange slices leave to float and NEVER stir or touch them once in the liquid.
6. set timer for 3 hours and wait......
7. turn off burner leave oranges to cool down.
8. flip slices through a bowl of sugar then set on baking sheet.
9. At 200' degrees in the over set the sheet of slices in for 2 hours to dry out.
10. melt dark chocolate chips in a bowl then dip each orange slice set on wax paper to dry on the counter top. 
11. Then serve these yummy good candies!

Belly Dancers

It is a beautiful way to dance, A very amazing artistic talent to move in such graceful spiritual ways.There are jingles and colors that float while moving out in the air as the belly dancers twirl and spin. They are so amazing in how they can move with the music.  Truly a wonderful skill and perfectly beautiful  are these belly dancers!

Maybe someday I can learn how to dance THIS good! I already have started collecting jingles and the colors are so delightful:-)

It's Cooking Time!

This new year reminds me how less and less time I spent in the kitchen over the last 6 months......almost like I was lost in direction. I would be home but not creative enough to know what to cook. 

THIS new cookbook "Paleo Comfort Foods" has inspired me to get into the coconut oil again!

I have a family full of great cooks like both sets of in-laws, whose shared passion for BBQing and baking have been fun to taste! My own Husband's talent to spin a platter of food out of only 3 or 4 things makes me realize how cooking impaired I honestly am! I grew up with a mother who made everything from scratch, apple pies, chicken pot pies and mashed potatoes......Lately I have realized the way my mother cooked and ate herself contributes to her stroke. I want to now make my foods a bit more simple. Getting back to the basic REAL fat and discover the real taste, there isn't much to go on about why my mother had her stroke in her early fifties....SO I can only listen to my own body, now as I am learning how plaque and damaged inflammation have no visual outside detection. I am in awe a healthy looking person can be full of blood clots and problems......So whenever I hear someone say "Low fat or fat free" I cringed within my new understanding....Cooking paleo has healed my body from the inside out! Over this past year I am a completely different person in my weight and strength, I LOVE my bacon grease that brings my skin around to a healthy balance and gives me such new energy! Last week I was helping my mother bake bread rolls and I ate one happily only to have 3 hours later the worse cramping pain in my stomach it has been weeks since I have eaten any bread like thing so as I killed over in pain I realized I can't ever go back, I just won't let my body hurt this way anymore.....No matter how hot and fresh those rolls are:-)

This week I baked stuffed peppers from this cookbook and actually am filling the pages with my own sticky notes of fun ideas! The stuffed peppers had grounded hamburger with diced onions, garlic, cilantro (I was out of parsley) along with green onion and pieces from the peppers it was really colorful! Then I cooked everything added in fresh ginger and egg to stuff the boiled hollow peppers it was 30 minuets in the oven then Yuminess! I hope to start writing more about these recipes for this cookbook is really FUN! (And no yeast or gluten to take ya down along the way)

2000 New year's Eve

It was a very popular new year's eve, turning into the year 2000. I remember it very well with all the news coverage asking if our computer system would fail. That all of the country's functioning system will simply shut down in this new year because of those 0's to process. I was 20 years old so I never really stop to wonder if Y2K was an actual threat.

I was spending the night with my best friend Joanie, just like in the past few years before. We would spend a few hours on our make up, clothes and finger nail polish. We ran around her bathroom in curlers and tank tops laughing and excited for the all night plans. Friends from our church had a huge bond fire and party that went late into the night. So In order for me to brake my curfew I would sleep over at Joanie's with no problems. It was nice to also have someone in the car with me driving back from the party in that dark country side. I was also big into doing my hair in crazy ways, like sparkling garland of fun festive colors wrapped through my braids or one year I wore pig tails each with a little pin wheels above my head. It is true every new year's eve my head looked crazy! Most people would smile and shake their head at me but I loved this fun part of celebrating that even those who didn't like it never got to me. I wanted to have as much fun as possible to welcome in a whole year! One New year's eve party both Joanie and I rolled glitter in our hair and over our faces, THAT was the beginning of 2000! I remember how the phone was ringing in the empty house I had entered as the whole group of people were outside singing in the midnight hour. When I answered the phone I was so surprised my boyfriend Tony was on the other line. "How did you get this number?!?" I asked laughing we had been dating only a few months so everything with him in my life was new and challenging. Because he invited me to join him and his family downtown Boise for the big city celebration but sadly my parents said no to that idea. I stayed with my plans in being with my best friend instead however he was on my mind the whole time, "I wonder if Tony is having fun in Boise?" I was thinking out an hour and half away fro the city on the country side with that wide open starry sky filled with wood smoke. Suddenly here he was on the phone now wishing me a happy new year's eve! i couldn't believe it and we talked for a long while. He said he raced to his parents hotel room right after the countdown to reach me in time for a wish in new year 2000! "Hmmm what do I wish for...?" I giggled as Tony asked me. He explained "A wish for something to be better in this new year or you make a resolution something like that." I said "Well talking to you on the phone alone is a wish come true!" He chuckled and I knew that I had such a sweet sweet boyfriend! It was one of those new year's eve that makes me smile big when I remember in awe that I was right by the phone when he called and yet we were miles away from each other even worlds apart, my cherry coke wasn't the same bubbles as his champagne as we sipped our drinks and chatted with each other over how nice it was that nothing shut down with this new year 2000. That sweet conversation with Tony made me know this was one of  a kind new year's eve to always remember, I mentioned "Next year I think I am going tie balloons to my pony tail....." I spun the pin wheel on the side of my head at that moment thinking how most people said this made me look like someone off of "Star Wars". Tony let out a loud laugh and replied "That would be so awesome! You should!" and I knew right then at that moment holding the old school phone to my ears that I was defiantly in love !!!! 

Starting up the New year

It really keeps on moving, never stopping.....this sense of time, days and years BUT I like to think I stop still and pause my life like that I can even do this is silly. I like to reflect over the old year a while after the new year starts up but really it never was on pause to begin with, just my mind made it so..... 
I have learned so much about myself this year that I didn't realize this time last year was going to be a problem...Maybe not a problem but something I defiantly needed to work on. Like how I can easily smoother people wanting to hang out all the time and bothering them or how much I love sleeping in all the time. I noticed that I don't push myself towards perfection if things I am working on get hard I give it up easily, moving on to a different creative idea. I loved my paintings, my writings and my dancing but nothing is fully invested. I do it awhile then change it up if I am hitting a wall of difficulty....(Reminds me of why I dropped out college a few years ago.)  I think this last year in the early spring  I was determined to take the warnings of my personality problems from a good friend to really better myself. I didn't get offended by her detailed account of me. I did however feel sad or shocked that I had missed these big problems in my goofiness, in my clowning around or preachy ideas.....Looking back I realize I didn't need to freak out so much trying to be better then these problems in myself. For I do snap at people when they push me around, I also let people mostly in my emanate family walk all over me. So trying to give respect  to others while holding my own self-respect can get tricky and in this past year I had an overwhelming amount of practice at it actually:-{
Naturally my "good friend" had much to say about me. I took it all with an honest heart, I was glad to know how people see me or judge me...but just like I said I do NOT try for perfection. Maybe because I find it rather exhausting and stressful to work so hard on displaying myself. I would rather just be me, myself and I, saying "yes I am still in my pjs this late morning, maybe tomorrow I will feel better and get dress...." If I burn my cooking or if it totally sucked I simply say "Well I will try again tomorrow then" There isn't a personal failing feeling that takes me down. Maybe I do preach out my self improving ideas and life lessons, I also know now that I can "Strut" when I am trying to not get "walk on". It is such a fine line in living among judging people, I DO respect that. Sadly or maybe not so sadly I stopped hanging out with that "Good Friend" and my happiness in myself came back instantly. When I admire or adore people I give them the benefit of doubt no matter what. I often look past their worst behavior even when they are shouting in my face suddenly. I WANT to believe they have a desire to better the world and help each other, That anger in my good friend's eyes often reminds me that living with unconditional love doesn't require me to such scolding or craziness it just means I can say over and over again to calm them down while as I am hoping our friendship really isn't over "I love you and would NEVER hurt you?" but it does come to end that friendship or maybe actually it begins again only in the most honest form it never was? 
I am in a bittersweet mood when I think about this, I was glad to grow and work on my self from such advice but I was mistaken in thinking I had a great friendship at the very same time.
This new year is extremely welcomed, and I am wiser for it. I still love my magical dreamy self, but I feel more like Gandalf from Lord of the rings....Holding onto my pipe seeing smoke clouds take shape and then I laugh!
For life is just like that, cloudy with warnings while also delightful if we just look for such a good moment.

New Year's Eve 2005

I had just finished my shift at Starbucks smelling like sweat, sugar and old coffee. My black tennis shoes had dry splatters of milk on them and my white collard shirt was sprinkled with dark chocolate sauce. (The mocha pump spit right out on to me while I was making a drink.) I was barely thinking about the new year's eve celebrations going on every where else then where I worked in the mall. My regular customers who were also working came on their break time to wish me a Happy new year and I would return with the same wishes only to swing back around to work with a broom or stack dirty dishes in the deep soapy sink. I was going to be wiped out by midnight I sense it and all I wanted was my bed the instant I get home, or so I thought.... My husband Tony was home that early evening packing a suit case, ordering take out and excitedly stocking up on champagne. I was in awe when he picked me up that late night to share about his surprise get away! (this was before we had any pets and getting away was very easy) So we drove to pick-up the food to go, I was in a such happy delighted mood that even stinking of stale coffee didn't keep me from going in with my hubby hand in hand. Tony had made hotel reservation with a big hot tube over looking the city of Boise, The fun part about that room was the huge hot tube setting right in front of the big screen TV. We never left the water even after all the bubbles dissipated and our skin wrinkled good and deep. We had all that TV in front of us with flutes of endless cooling bubbles in our hot tube....and it was truly a good new year's eve! But back to when we picked up our food....the hostess sighed out at us barely making eye contact saying "That's 22.50." I could tell the place was super busy and she was clearly wiped out also. My husband hand her a fifty dollar bill and says "Keep the change." I smiled big right at her stunned face like he does this sort of thing all the time. Now Tony never saw her reaction as he reached for the bag of food to leave, I was in awe and extremely proud of the kindness my husband had shown but I thought to myself "He hates to condone the whole tipping issue that whole "scam on society", where the owners rises prices on their food but keep the hired help at a low low wage in hopes that they perform good or at least polite to the customers so that their tips will help the lack of respect the restaurant has for their employees....?" I always argued with him saying "Do you not know how much work it is to serve? To do all the cleaning, setups, stocking and side work only to take a table that will have you bringing refills after refills for a few hours and then give you a couple of bucks?!? It's insane! So just tip and don't make some poor college student who is running on 2 hours of sleep the one to suffer while you try to change the system." I was thinking over these many conversations Tone and I have had...How amazing that on this night he really sees what I have been trying to show him, have compassion for the hard working people, who deserve their tips and most importantly respect. "WOW Babe that was so amazing! I am speechless and very very proud of you! What a wonderful night this has turned out to be..really after all the horrid customers I had today with things breaking down and that worn out feeling in trying to smile...who would have thought I would be smiling this big so much later on because you created such a surprise!" I gushed in such glory of this great moment of the hero my husband is and then he starts the car up asking "What are you talking about....?" I smiled softly at him while waving my hand back to the restaurant. "You really are a true hero in there tonight, talk about "pay it forward" that was AWESOME!" My husband now looks even more confused then alarmed as he drove us towards our hotel I noticed this quickly even in my giddy sleepy state of mind. I am truly very happy right now by everything in my life I thought to myself, even the whole crazy coffee world of stressfulness was rolling off my shoulders minuet by minuet and now I had THE HUSBAND of all husbands who gave that worn out grumpy hostess a tip more then that actually order! I thought to myself again How often does that happen? Sooooo when my husband asked again frowning now deeper "I only gave her like a 4 dollar tip?....it's not like you to go on and on over just 4 dollars...?" He now watched me closely as we were at a red light in the car. I burst out a huge laugh and choked back "No Honey, NO you gave her a 28 dollar tip a few dollars MORE then this food." I smiled a bit confused myself as Tony went off hysterically alarmed then I realized he wasn't trying to be some hero but he honestly misheard her say the price so he thought that he better just give the fifty and not make her bring the few dollars in change back. Once I realized all of this much I laughed so deep and so hard till tears rolled down my neck. Oh my Husband, my sweet loving clumsy husband! Who always makes me laugh for moments like these all the time! By the time Tony had worked over how to go back for the money to explain his mistake in overly tipping I still giggling told him it was a done deal and he quickly agreed then we both laughed again for awhile...

Oooooh What a New year's eve THAT is to remember!

Year 2012 begins....