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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Starting up the New year

It really keeps on moving, never stopping.....this sense of time, days and years BUT I like to think I stop still and pause my life like that I can even do this is silly. I like to reflect over the old year a while after the new year starts up but really it never was on pause to begin with, just my mind made it so..... 
I have learned so much about myself this year that I didn't realize this time last year was going to be a problem...Maybe not a problem but something I defiantly needed to work on. Like how I can easily smoother people wanting to hang out all the time and bothering them or how much I love sleeping in all the time. I noticed that I don't push myself towards perfection if things I am working on get hard I give it up easily, moving on to a different creative idea. I loved my paintings, my writings and my dancing but nothing is fully invested. I do it awhile then change it up if I am hitting a wall of difficulty....(Reminds me of why I dropped out college a few years ago.)  I think this last year in the early spring  I was determined to take the warnings of my personality problems from a good friend to really better myself. I didn't get offended by her detailed account of me. I did however feel sad or shocked that I had missed these big problems in my goofiness, in my clowning around or preachy ideas.....Looking back I realize I didn't need to freak out so much trying to be better then these problems in myself. For I do snap at people when they push me around, I also let people mostly in my emanate family walk all over me. So trying to give respect  to others while holding my own self-respect can get tricky and in this past year I had an overwhelming amount of practice at it actually:-{
Naturally my "good friend" had much to say about me. I took it all with an honest heart, I was glad to know how people see me or judge me...but just like I said I do NOT try for perfection. Maybe because I find it rather exhausting and stressful to work so hard on displaying myself. I would rather just be me, myself and I, saying "yes I am still in my pjs this late morning, maybe tomorrow I will feel better and get dress...." If I burn my cooking or if it totally sucked I simply say "Well I will try again tomorrow then" There isn't a personal failing feeling that takes me down. Maybe I do preach out my self improving ideas and life lessons, I also know now that I can "Strut" when I am trying to not get "walk on". It is such a fine line in living among judging people, I DO respect that. Sadly or maybe not so sadly I stopped hanging out with that "Good Friend" and my happiness in myself came back instantly. When I admire or adore people I give them the benefit of doubt no matter what. I often look past their worst behavior even when they are shouting in my face suddenly. I WANT to believe they have a desire to better the world and help each other, That anger in my good friend's eyes often reminds me that living with unconditional love doesn't require me to such scolding or craziness it just means I can say over and over again to calm them down while as I am hoping our friendship really isn't over "I love you and would NEVER hurt you?" but it does come to end that friendship or maybe actually it begins again only in the most honest form it never was? 
I am in a bittersweet mood when I think about this, I was glad to grow and work on my self from such advice but I was mistaken in thinking I had a great friendship at the very same time.
This new year is extremely welcomed, and I am wiser for it. I still love my magical dreamy self, but I feel more like Gandalf from Lord of the rings....Holding onto my pipe seeing smoke clouds take shape and then I laugh!
For life is just like that, cloudy with warnings while also delightful if we just look for such a good moment.

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