My Dad vs. My Father

I have grown into an open book, I have no secrets. I am amazed everyday by how my life has turned out! I never would have thought I would be THIS happy nor did I even imagine I could be THIS LOVED! 

People always ask me which "Dad" I am referring to in my stories. To me it's just obvious for the Dad who is by nature nice, outgoing and loving is NOT my bio Father. Now I think of my Father as a guy named "Dad". But the term of endearment such as "Oh Thanks Dad!" Or "Hey Dad!" is of My Father-in-law, Kelly Shively.  He is the Dad who checks in on me all the time and proudly reads this blog. Saying "I love ya Dad." comes naturally for me when hugging my Father-in-law goodbye. Kelly is a world class Father and my adopted Dad from the very beginning of my new life with his son Tony. He was there with a big smile, and welcoming wave. "Come on in! Make yourself at home! Do you want a beer?" were the first words he said to me when I entered his home and began dating his son. Sometimes you come across a person whose parenting is as natural to them as a fish in water. I am so very proud of my Dad, and amazed he is in my life!


My Father gave birth to me, he did the best he could with what he had. I don't blame him in not being there for me like he should or could have been. He maybe didn't know, he actually was annoyed by most women naturally. He had high standards for his life, for himself. Let alone for him to lead his 6 kids into a life of riches. When I say "Riches" I do mean money, actual wealth and the bills paid in full. My Father has a passion for those things most of all. My idea of "Riches" is quality time, laughing together and being friends in the great outdoors, (all killing and hunting NOT included) My Father was working his way to being a millionaire, I hope it can work out for him too! But if one day before he dies, he stops to say "Working hard day in and day out for that reachable dollar bill isn't what life is about." I will honor him with my proud smile. For it is never to late...to change. Yet as a kid growing up if my father was at work, we all breathed a sigh of relief. He was an edgy man when he had to sit still, why just the other day I arrived for family birthday dinner he was lounging in his usual chair right in front of the TV. He only got up to pray for the feast his wife cooked up, then visited over the crazy situations his job encounters while he ate. Once that topic is covered, He goes about doing his own thing, he can't seem to ever relax. Sometimes he is in a great mood, sometimes he isn't. I can judge clearly, easily enough to know that even though he hasn't actual frighten me in the last 10 years I automatically avoid causing him to yell.
My Father is a good person with a sad heart. He was hurt beyond healing at one point in his life. He battles with his natural bitterness everyday and I can see him age. I realized in just my last family visit the other day, that I understand my Father deeper then he ever understood me. My Husband Tony was mad when my Father joked and laughed at me for being stupid. Tony's knee jerk reaction to say "SHE IS NOT STUPID!" But instead he pulls on me saying "We should leave now." I had to explain to Tony, that I put myself out there on purpose, if I look stupid to everyone around that is okay with me! Because I KNOW I am NOT stupid, I am just sharing my silliness for a good all around laugh. I always think to myself  that my very last memory of my Father should always be of him laughing even if he thought "Dear God, I have a dumb daughter!" It doesn't hurt me, it doesn't upset me at all anymore. For I not only know who I am now. I also see the big picture, it is to create a smile and hear some laughter! Our time on this Earth is so short that to fill those moments up with laughter and happiness is why I was even born unto this man.


When the time came in my life to move, when I was 22 years old. My parents didn't speak to me from when I moved out in July 2001 to that following Christmas day. I would call my Mother whenever I could but she wasn't as friendly as I was use to. I guess those last few nights being home were some of the worse in my life. We had huge fights, arguments turned ugly. Shouting into screaming. And I started telling my Mother I was moving, back in May of that year. I had to be bold or she would just ignore me. One time I began chatting it up about my new apartment with all it's features, I was putting on my "Oh so Happy" tone while talking to her. When she let out a cry like I had hit her in the face! I was startled by it and stop still while watching her turn around to face me with such a weird look on her face. I reach out to touch her completely alarmed. Then she pointed her finger in my face commanding angrily "BEGONE SATAN!" I was so frozen at her words. She rush off to her garden crying out to God to save her from this evilness. I really only wanted to move out to my own place in town about a 20 minuet drive? Being called "Satan" made me burst out laughing and crying all at the same time. When I told my best friend what had happened I said I kept looking over my shoulder for the rest of the day as if to see some guy in horns grinning at me. My Best friend asked "What if your Mom had come at you with a knife because Satan is a scary dude!" I replied "I would personally see that as sign to move out then." We laughed whole heartedly for these moments were to be expected. 
My Father was even more angered by my moving out. He shouted across the glowing living room one late night "Don't you even care you are breaking your Mother's heart?" How easily I cried for no one wants to break their Mother's heart! Honestly no one I know! For me it was an ugly time in my life this moving out drama, YET I still did it even though I was.... "Satan"???

My boyfriend Tony and his Dad came to help me move on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I had just a couple of big things like a bed and a desk. Inside my parents home was just my brother Derek and my Father eating lunch. 
This was the first moment my Father met my Dad.
Kelly walks in happily chatting away with Derek then turns to shake the hand of my Father. I watched the whole event go down very closely. My Father stood frowning with his arms folded looking at Kelly in such anger and annoyance. Kelly keeps his hand out waiting on purpose for my Father to shake it. The smile on Kelly, Dad's face is now frozen and determined not to move. My Father stays folded armed and glares on, acting in way that shows he doesn't like Tony's Dad. I stood watching wishing I hadn't been so stupid in bringing the guys into this house. The stand off lasted forever to me, There was no backing down in either men but I spoke out saying "We better go before it rains on us." Kelly my new Dad smiled big saying "We sure love your daughter Debby, You should be proud." He turned away from my Father who stood motionless and cold. Dad could have said a few other things I am sure. But when he saw me his smile was both sad and relieved to be moving out of that tense house. Dad has been protecting me from that day forward, he could read my face as I stood there watching my Father reject one of the greatest men I have ever met, Dad didn't want to cause a scene that would bring the tears from my already worried eyes. Even though I apologized on behalf of my Father, Dad hugged me saying "This isn't your fault, YOU have done nothing wrong. I am very proud of you." I was amazed by his words. I stop just for a moment to look back at my parents home, suddenly I wasn't sad at all in saying goodbye. My Father stood like a statue very close to the kitchen window. He wanted me to see him clearly, he still had his arms folded and a bigger frown on his face. Maybe he was beyond rage, knowing he should be silent this whole time or he would get in trouble for screaming at my new family? I watched him closely standing there, I wanted him to know he didn't scare me anymore so I pause to look right back at him before I climbed up into Dad's red durango. That was the moment in my life when I realized my Father never really knew me.


Life is way to short to chase after parents who don't care, I am amazed everyday that I can understand how a parent loves, How important being there for each other really is. My Father taught me about who I am, My Dad taught me about who I can be.   Now I love my Father and I love my Dad!
I AM an open book, I have no secrets. I believe in Happy endings.....For I am living in one right now.