A Defiant Doughnut

There is a memory in all of us of the moment we were clearly defiant. The moment we had such clarity and a sense of justice. I sometimes wish I only had one such moment in my life....But honestly with parents like mine I just grew up feeling that way all the time. Only secretly hiding who I was and what I really thought all along. Now as an Adult I struggle with that same sense of justice. That same clarity that the world needs my help in order to survive. It is rather silly! I can understand it better now. For I grew up under such pressure to save the world,   finally now I can let go of such guilt. I can understand now that I was NEVER to blame, for I was just a child. As an adult I am held accountable for my actions in this present time. I ask myself “Where does this pain in my soul come from? How can I calm myself down when I feel like time is running out and one day this world will explode?” As a child I was given such sadness, such huge responsibilities. I can realize now the world will not explode at least not by me. Both in good and bad ways I see what I need to deal with when facing myself today in the mirror.

So just because I forgive my parents, and that I have come along ways in realizing they did the best they could with what they themselves also struggled with. Doesn't mean they are not held accountable. When I look at them now I wonder to myself “How long is a life time of avoidance? Of simply Not talking it out, not facing our mistakes?” As their child it would be rude of me to call them out on their bullshit, not mention disrespectful.

A parent leads the way in maturity and forgiveness...usually, For children watch everything, learn everything they can since they do not know yet how to be their own person.

I find myself STILL watching my parents, I am hopeful for a better relationship. Just like I did in all of those childhood days. Without HOPE I wouldn't be here, the person I am in all honesty.

In a Trip to Portland with grandma Norma and my mother, as a child I have a memory to share but I can't recall the very year or the actual age I was. This was a yearly trip with my sister and I staring out the backseat through the window of Grandma's blue perfectly cleaned car. I loved how nice the seat cushions were. How beautiful the Columbia Gorge was as we drove up to Portland Oregon from Boise Idaho. My outgoing, bubbly Aunt Karen was attending a College in Portland. She was the youngest of my mom's side of the family. She was the kind of Aunt who always colored with us, played all kinds of games like hide n' seek or Green light Red light in the back yard. She was just 11 years older then me so I naturally I followed her everywhere! I loved when she laughed, for my Aunt Karen giggled all the time and it made me feel comforted. She could be firm in directing us kids when we needed some control or guidance. But she never lost her temper, she always had some creative way in punishment.

I simply adored her.

When we arrived to the college I remembered Grandma getting so choked up with tears. Just as we pulled into the college campus. We saw Karen walking to her dorm at the same time Grandma yelled out “There she is!” The tears flooded Grandma's face, I stared in awe and in wonder as to why on earth would she be crying? Grandma jump out of the moving car while Mom had to slam on her brakes saying surprised “Wait wait I'm almost parked..” But my little 5 foot Grandma was gone! She soon was hugging her daughter as if it had been years since they last saw each other. When it was decided the next day we would all meet up in the morning go to the Oregon coast. My Aunt Karen exclaimed “We could get doughnuts for breakfast!” My sister and I cheered happily along side our young vibrant Aunt. After we said our good nights just before we drove away my Aunt Karen said again “Don't forget the doughnuts!” I replied back filled with such excitement “Don't worry we WON'T!” I laughed as she did a little dance while leaving us. I loved my Aunt Karen's happiness!

The next morning standing in the yellow glow of the bakery lights I was waking up. I watched my Mom, my Grandma and my Sister each grabbed a breakfast doughnut. “Don't forget Karens.” I said as I put my maple bar in to Mom's white paper bag.

I repeated it again “Don't forget Karen needs her doughnut.” I was frustrated for no one was listening to me, I said it again “Don't forget KAREN, she wants a doughnut too!” I replied but everyone was now walking away from the pastry case. “WHAT ABOUT KAREN?” I exclaimed with panic. I had assured her the night before we wouldn't forget about her. My Mother was clearly bothered by me and snapped hissing like a snake. “Stop it! Debby we are not talking about this right now.” I was bewildered almost in tears while completely panicking now. “WHY!? Karen needs her doughnut too!” Mom was pinching my upper arm with her strong hand, her face was an inch from mine as she hissed again“If you don't stop right now! I will put your doughnut back and you won't have any breakfast. Be silent!” My tears flooded my face and my throat burned while trying to understand what was happening around me. “Karen!” was all I could speak out as I cried and pointed to the bakery section of the store. When you are a small child crying because you are hurt, confused or frighten often Adults over look you as a problem. The things that parents do not pay attention to, can make up for all the tears I see in any small child today. Now when I go to the store as a woman in my 30s I sympathize automatically towards the screaming upset child. I instantly see an Asshole parent first. Though most people would think it's a bratty, spoiled, screaming kid. It is of my strongest option that Children cry because a Parent won't listen.

In the car at that moment of fighting for my Aunt to have a doughnut as she asked us to do for her, I tried to stop crying from my defeat. Grandma Norma looked surprised at me asking “What is wrong?” I mumbled “We forgot Karen's doughnut.” Grandma smiled sympathetically while nodding and looking sideways at my mom. When my Mom spoke sternly we were now in the car driving away to the college up the road. She explained glancing at me through the rear view mirror.

“When I say “Be quiet” it means the same as when your dad says it. You have to obey me like you would your Father, just because I don't yell doesn't mean I don't mean it.” My Grandma sat silently, as Mom talked. I wiped my wet face with the long shirt sleeve. Mom continued finally explaining herself. “We decided the last thing Karen needs is a doughnut. Maybe she will already had a more healthier breakfast by the time we see her.” I watched my Mom rolled her eyes at my Grandma. “Why?” I asked completely confused still by thinking over everything that had just happened. Mom sighed again “Debby be quiet! finish up your doughnut it needs to be gone before we get to the college.” I ate quickly in pain with my sore throat from crying so hard. My anger was growing inside of me, for not keeping my word to my sweet Aunt made me feel helpless. I sat bewildered to realize what my Mom was actually saying is that my Aunt Karen was fat. I had NEVER looked at Karen in that way before. I was horrified to suddenly realize what my own mother was doing. So as Mom gave us wet wipes to get the sugar off our hands. I was steaming like a boiling kettle, I wanted to yell at my Mom when I had reach such clarity, such frustration. “HOW DARE YOU! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!” Then suddenly my Aunt appeared by the roadside waiting for us. Karen was excited, happily chatting away. She was truly beautiful with dark curly hair and her giggles bubbling out her. While the conversations were going I sat pouting in anger then suddenly I felt a white pastry bag at my feet, I looked down surprised by it and then so confidently I said my voice was force through with hissing anger “Mom, Where do you want me to throw this DOUGHNUT bag out of the way? It's sticking to my feet.” I glared at her through the rear view mirror with my smug smile. Her eyes showed sudden fear then pure rage. I kept staring her down through the mirror as she drove with my “Bring it on, Bitch” look that I have. My attitude was so justified in my loyal love to my Aunt Karen. I wasn't going to let anyone get away with calling her fat! My Aunt Karen looked at me in such deep sadness saying “You said you would bring me a doughnut too?” I felt suddenly alarmed that Karen misunderstood that I of all people would not forget! “No no I remembered! I was trying to get you one! But Mom wouldn't let me!” I realized if I told her Mom said she was fat that would just hurt her feelings, even cause Grandma to be mad at me! I bewildered by the sudden mess I had created. Now my Mom didn't speak to me for the rest of that day, she did buy her sister a doughnut after all. Yet she glared me down the whole time while she even let her little sister drink chocolate milk with her doughnut. I knew my Mom was beyond rage, that she was so deeply angry with me. My punishment came 4 days later when once we were home again, my Father reached for his big thick leather belt. That was a spanking that still haunts me in my sleep sometimes as I now wake up startled and alarmed. With tears I can remember this moment in my life along with every slice of that belt on my legs, it was the first time I got a spanking that my Mother watched proudly over. Ironically I didn't actual DO anything wrong.....I have to keep telling myself that sometimes after not being able to fall a sleep when haunted by such an emotional memory..I maybe 31 years old right now but the memories can feel like they happened just yesterday. I guess that is why I am the strong person I am today.