Scary Things

Every Halloween I think about the importance of fear.
I think of how often we shelter the children or how I was sheltered for so long. It didn't do me any favors as I struggled with fear in my 20's which then turned into anger almost instantly.

Fear is as real and as important to learn about as being sad. Most people want everyone to stay happy, a childhood should be full of happiness by the pure fact of innocence and a lot of time ahead on this earth. And yet children know fear from the moment they are born! It's a part of them as being hungry or cold it's our human emotions to be understood for how we feel or think in the very moment of living.

Fear is one of my favorite things to think about every Halloween because without it I wouldn't know how important being brave is.

Watching my first real scary movie was when I was 19 years old, I had accidentally seen a bit of "Jaws." and "The color Purple." when I was real little so it was the fear in my mother that made me think those movies were very bad. My mother would always freak out in trying to protect or guard our eyes, her reactions to all different kinds of movies while growing up made me take note of the titles and so in my own apartment I rented them all. I realized that while I thought I had been sheltered by not being allowed to celebrate Halloween, My mother was far more sheltered by all these silly not really scary movies she would freak out about. Why does fear make us do such crazy things?

Scary things come from the grave, from the darkness and the mist. Evilness is a choice each and every human being can make so when we are children explain it clearly explain it so that they don't slip away in their own choices of hurting living things of this world.

In the movie "Halloween." or "Psycho." the constant abuse in a child grows up to embody such violent murderous scary things...I wonder, I wonder if the boogie man of our fears wouldn't exists at all if we took ownership of ourselves, as the adults we should never bully, abuse or hate on the next generation yet some do in fear, in that need to control. I think blaming supernatural things, like Satan verse God deflect our own responsibilities to do good for this world. I can see very easily how one person can choose abuse and chaos, creating a hellish home life where scary things happen, another can choose peaceful goodness where that home is called Heavenly. I wonder if one life style is based on fear and another is base on bravery?  Scary things are so often about the unknown, humans have great imaginations to fill in the blanks and it's the little things like ghost stories that prepare you for life's real terrors. I think about fear every Halloween and I think of the dead, I want to always honor the dead in the moonlight under the stars that made us, if they are resting in peace with God I smile happily, if they are needing my help in any way I choose bravery, I choose good things over scary things, I am prepared for my own day of the dead as I light a candle for the souls that I miss so much. I picture myself creating a guard around my home like Hermione Granger does for Harry and Ron when they were being hunted. I know that real evil exists when real people choose it for their lives but I can learn from such scary things and become a warrior for protection, a peace maker for Hallow's eve. I can be a witch for the night laughing along with the children about how startled I was walking by a moving clown, I can watch over them as we celebrate a bit of fear while I tell them just how grateful I am to have them in my life for protection......for I carry the magic in me always!

The Old Man & the Gun - Trailer

It's hard to believe that Robert Redford is retiring in his early 80's, the movies need old timers in them to give us wisdom and give us peace of mind for how we can take on our 80's as well.

Yet Robert Redford did just that, he gave us his presence. It was spectacular of course to list down all his great roles in movies, his environmental work and his take on politics has always inspired me. This last movie of his "Old man & the Gun." has made the news a lot because it's said to be his last. I feel such awe on all he did with his life while being an actor, he had a history in nature, in culture and in the new film industry. He carried himself in a classy respectful way that I admired him for most of my life. I hope I can say that he's a soulful man without any hollywood scandal.....yet in these days being dependable and stable becomes so rare that I know we will all miss actors like Robert Redford.

"The Old man & the Gun." made me laugh, made me smile and made me think about the kind of person I will be when I am in my 80's.
Robert Redford is in almost half of my most favorite movies of all time, my time.
I'll always be grateful that his influence in good family values, reflective story telling and simply choosing to do the right thing when no one else is are apart of my maturity growth. Those movies he made, he acted in and he endorsed really helped me take notice and choose to see those out of the fray.

I have grown to think that if no one or most people don't like a certain movie then I must see it because chances are it goes deep into the uncomfortable parts of humanity. Like in the classic film "The Great Gatsby." Robert Redford is told that he is worth more then the whole lot of them. I smiled and nodded proudly because it's true, for among society there are individuals of great character worth more then all the money we could ever obtain.

I walked through the theater remembering how 20 years ago my husband Tony and I came there to see a comedy. I waited in line for my ticket to "The Old man & the Gun." in the very same spot that we did only 2 decades ago....Tony's cerebral palsy was making standing there very difficult yet he was trying not show it but I knew that he needed something to grab on to while waiting in line for the movie so I stepped in front of him talking about the long wait and I stepped right back so that he could grab my shoulder for a breather, he was struggling until he rested his hand on me then he breathed grateful to hold still and not worry about falling down while standing in line. I talked on naturally, getting to know him with out putting him on the spot. Later on in those first 6 months I told him to be honest with me if he grows tired in standing I'll find a chair no problem. He would say "What would people think?" I would reply back "Who the hell cares what people think. I think you should never struggle or hurt when out in public."
I smiled to myself as I remember 20 years ago when Tony and I first met, I was just as bold and practical as I am today. I think it was a telling sign that evening waiting in line at the movies when I saw I could help him stand better if he would just trust me. He did, he said later on how he felt embarrassed by his disability in that first date, only he realized how I wasn't like all the other shallow snooty women he has seen. He could see that it didn't bother me at all, we laughed together through the movie then we debated all the way home that first night in all of our differences in politics and religion.  I look back at 20 years ago and laugh to myself how that's STILL the way we are in disagreeing and debating, yet we have the same core values and the same desire to create a peaceful loving life together.
I order popcorn at the movie theater just before it started and I asked for small but I guess the word "Small" is now anything 24 oz. I am annoyed like an old lady when I go out and see such different things for our culture. This movie ticket was $10.39? who the hell thought of adding .39 cents???? Is that a magic number to help keep movie theaters in business??? I have been trying to not freak out over the ten bucks, 20 years ago it was 6 bucks!?!? Now they add in change like they did to the phone booth? On a rainy day my friend's car broke down and we ran to the phone booth to call her Dad for help staying together because it was dark then she squealed out "35 cents? Since when? who the fuck has 10 cents on them?" I laughed so hard as I dug in my purse for more then just a quarter. Life is like that, it gets really weird before the end of something. I walked through the movie theater this past week thinking maybe it's the end of movie theaters now that they added .39 cents? Movie tickets have always been just a dollar amount and small use to be 8 or 12 oz!?!?! 

In the film as Sissy Spacek talks about being old, I admire her vibrant beauty and soulful understanding. I enjoyed this movie so much, I was giggling at myself for bringing my sweater as I grew cold in the big dark theater at 1pm on a Friday I saw many older looking people there too. My husband had told me to go do something fun and get my mind off of sadness and worrying, he had no idea I choose a movie theater that's not fun to him at all. I explained to him how I wanted to see Robert Redford in the traditional way on the big screen for his last role.

I clapped when the movie was over, I felt proud to of seen it and I laughed so much in the scene when Casey Affleck is given a cupcake with a candle at his work, they all say "Happy 40th birthday, it's all down hill from here." I choke and laugh in the profound connection to me, I think to myself "If I have been going up hill these last 40 years I sure hate to see what going down looks like.... sssssshit!"
      As Robert Redford has proven it doesn't matter your age, it matters your attitude.
The world will continue to change and feel weird at times, I can only aspire to take it in grace and in bravery, maybe even take it in a new adventure ahead!

Birthday BBQ

           

As I grow older I noticed that I can setup for a family BBQ quite quickly, I really love having everyone over as much as possible.

Yesterday 25 years ago my first baby brother was born. Our Daren, the Dude.

On that day I have many memories, one particular of Mom grabbing on to the wall in sudden pain as I was roller skating with my friends then I saw her face from across the skating ring. I flew to her side in alarm these nine months had taught my 14 year old self everything about being pregnant. I was asking her as I rolled up "Are you okay?" She blunted out "Don't touch me I am in labor!" then I exclaimed "WHAT!?!?!?!"

She took a deep breath saying back at my terrified face "Don't cause a scene, I am getting a ride over to the birthing center now. Tell your brother and sister to meet out front all together you'll get dropped off there when skating is over." I asked her in a sudden rush of tears "Are you in pain?" she smiled with a chuckle at me saying "This isn't my first time, I know what I am doing. Don't worry." 
Yet I did worry, in fact I was shaking when Rebekah and Tiffany skated back up to me as I began sobbing in fear, the 3 of us teenage girls did a prayer circle in the far corner of the roller dome. We talked about all the risks my mother was facing and all the unknown concerns ahead in this day, 25 years ago.

When our father dropped the 3 of us at home he grabbed mom's prepared suit case that she showed me everything she would need on the day she gave birth and why. I knew all the dangers my mother and new sibling were in so I never stopped praying for her!

 Since I was full of anxiety once we were home again I began washing dishes in the kitchen then I had an idea, with music blaring through the house that afternoon I decide to go above and beyond from my normal chores. I realized in a few hours a newborn baby will arrive so I better get the whole house spotless and germ less. I dance and sung while vacuuming and I took each room starting in the back of the home and deep cleaned it, this meant replacing light bulbs, sweeping down cob webs and wiping walls down to the very floor board and wiping that as well. I vacuumed out the windows and every corner of our house that day.  I scrubbed both bathrooms with an inch of it's life! I folded every piece of clothing away and I baked brownies to give the fresh clean place a cozy smell. I made a wild flower vase for the kitchen table and while every window was open the sun was bright and warm, fall was truly spectacular on the farm that day! 25 years ago!

Dana and Derek both finished up the outside projects for Dad and we all waited in the kitchen with brownies and milk. It was becoming evening when our phone rang, I answered in the way we had been trained to do so "Kleins, this is Debby?" My father sounded happy as he shared "It's a Boy! Your Mom is fine too, it got a little scary but everything is good now. Tell your brother and sister that Daren Joshua is here! oh and I already called your Grandparents they will be down to bring you into town." I hung up the phone jumping up and down with Dana and Derek. 
I was thanking God fully, I was overwhelmed with wanting to tell the whole world so I made some calls to my friends and to my family. The joy was truly overwhelming and everything was ready at home for this new chapter in our lives, 25 years ago yesterday.....

Having a baby on my hip from that day on has made me one of the most wisest motherly women who never had any kids of her own. I have an awareness of children and of babies that is there only because of the day Daren was born. I knew that I was no longer living for myself to survive, I was living to make sure he would survive. I wanted him to have a far better life then I had.
I was delighted by how much happiness he brought into our home, I was always going to be in awe of this day, 25 years ago.

Cousin Henry turned to me saying "You guys never call him by his actual name. I have been here all weekend and never once heard anyone say "Hey Daren!" you all say "Hey Dude!" I laughed at his observation for it was true. Baby Doug was only 1 year old so his nick name wasn't yet known but Daren's adorable toddler years was full of "Hey Little Dude." I would teach him how to high five then stick his little thumb up saying "DUDE!" all together, he was a very happy child to have older sibling who loved playing with him or taking him along into the toy store at the mall giving out mother a break from us all. 
I was devoted to these baby brothers of mine as I called them my pride and joy! I look back on how the day Daren was born my whole world changed forever, all of my knowledge of pregnant women helped me stay very smart and very guarded over my own sexuality. My teen years were full of responsibilities that made me appreciate time in general. Nothing stay this way forever, when young parents feel trapped, feel depressed or feel like they don't have a life of their own as babies grow up into noisy children that become clever adults, I advise from my own personal experience "Cherish it all for in the blink of an eye 25 years will have gone by!"

I called up the slide tunnel of McDonald's "Hey Dude! It's time to go!" for we had been rolling down hot wheels back and forth to each other since I was 18 years old I couldn't join him up in the playful tower. He called down "But I don't want to go!" I asked him "You don't want to walk with me through the toy section of the store? Mom needs to get groceries, we could make popcorn at home and watch "Babe." again? What do ya say?" He flew out of the toy tower with a big smile and a nod "Okay, let's go!" I nodded proudly at how easy going he always was especially once I would explain what was really going on...

(Looking back I discovered how to negotiate and to motivate with Daren, which became some of the best parenting advice I could ever give!)

Yesterday I was able to setup a BBQ for my family, I loved how easily it all came together. The boys setup a board game, the young men I mean....it's times like this that 25 years ago doesn't seem so long ago. I ate with my mom, talked politics with my Dad and enjoyed listening to the jokes my husband made as my little brothers all hung out. 

Life is always changing, 25 years ago is one of the best changes I have ever lived through, for it was the beginning of my parent's second family structure and the arrival of such pure joy, the heart full of love I will always have for all of my baby brothers!

Eva Cassidy - Time After Time

This morning my Cousin Trina, a woman I look to like a big sister in my life has lost her best friend, he passes away with the autumn leaves.
My heart breaks for her, I understand exactly how death brings us to the floor.
Time after time she has been there for me when I have lost someone from my heart....as kids she would bury dead birds, say kind words in remembering them and now as we find ourselves older the funerals and the deaths have grown on our list....
How grateful I am to have her in my life through many dark days <3 
Time after time I love her so!

A River Runs Through It, A life is worth it

Lately I have been following many environmental blogs and news feeds online realizing so much has changed in just 20 years of my paying attention to my landscape.
Lately I have been so grateful for having grown up on an Orchard farm as now that is wine country. I use to think it would always stay the same out there even though the nearby towns were growing and changing.
Lately I have been thinking of my best friend who use to go to movies with me all the time. My brother Doug took our mother out to the movies around Mother's day the last spring and I met up with him to help in any way I can. We were at a movie theater of my past, when Benny and I spent hours there. I kept wanting to see her and to talk deeply in discussion again for after every movie we sat in the table and chairs there for a while to freshly debate or share our experience. 
Lately I have been thinking of Benny again, my heart is hurting for her to bring back that world again. I guess it will stay in my memories, in my mind's eye once again where we laugh out loud or explain why we disagreed with each other. Late at night being young I never traveled alone so she would tease me how I insisted on picking her up and taking her home once it was dark outside. I always cautious at my venerability, at not putting myself in a dangerous situation if I could help it. Benny would tease me about all my little rules for everything, she would say "We live in the safest state out there, everyone around here is watching out for everyone else. This isn't Los Angeles!" I would smile proudly back at her "Oh I know, I wouldn't be staying out till midnight if it was!"   
Lately I have been missing my brother Derek and my best friend Benny these were the 2 people I went to the most movies back then, we would walk the mall together after it close window shopping or driving through town to see what the night looks like in town. i always felt so safe with either of  them in the car with me as I always cautiously held the wheel, singing to the radio. Those 2 would argue about everything if we were all going out some where together.
When we would meet up with a bigger group of friends at a restaurant, at a coffee shop or at the theater my brother would break away to be with his own friends but I knew that at the end of the social event he would be waiting by the car for our ride home.....I would feel safe even though it grew dark out and we always dropped Benny off on our way.
I miss them, I miss that time in my life when I was so blessed to have them in my life. 
Just like looking back through my family, remembering the farm with Grandparents always there. Robert Redford narrates this classic movie "A River Runs Through it." and my heart is bursting forth such love for the beauty of this earth, for the bond of siblings and best friends! When I was dating my husband Tony, he brought over this movie while my family was gone yet Benny was there. I felt like everything was proper in this set up, we watched this wonderful movie then Tony shared how it reminded him of his own relationship with his brother in many ways. I loved getting to know him better with the guarded protection of my best friend Benny right there too.
Life back then was stressful for all the unknown choices of the future so now when I look back I smile, I see what was truly wonderful. What was truly important and whats was really great decisions for my life!
Benny sat beside me by the Boise river in the center of downtown, she said "Whenever I go away and come back a month later the city looks different, it's growing like crazy!" I opened my picnic basket on the quilt saying "That's why having a picnic is even more important, to make sure they don't take away our nature breaks with all the big buildings!" she laughed at me in the afternoon sun shine And a river runs through it....

LIFE OF PI

Life of Pi, Life of me.
I have turned all the stories in my life around since I was just a little girl. It's better for me to say things in a nice way then to say it in a bad way or in what people think is the real way to say it. As a child I realized when I told a story of my mother hitting me the people around me had looks of horror. Then as I told the same story in sharing "My Mom was so upset." was far better looking then all the other details. I learned before I was ever 10 years old how to edit my stories.

I was in my early 20's when I read this book, "Life of Pi." I might of heard about the book on Oprah, a TV show every afternoon with important self help topics or in latest pop culture, soulful changes and learning how to take control of who you are.

I think a co-worker gave me a copy of this book and like always I read it through the night. Reading a thrilling story like this would make it impossible for me to go to sleep. I was in awe of this book, with these adventures and his will to live!

At the time I read this book I was a produce manager at a specialty market in hopes to make enough money for rent and survival.
And I realized by working 60 plus hours every week I didn't leave time to be alone, or to rest properly. I didn't see my boyfriend much as well for we mostly had long phone conversations while I ate my breakfast, lunch and dinner in my office of ordering veggies. This was like my boat I was suck on it for survival, I wasn't dealing well with all my sudden responsibilities, my frustration over my very sheltered past and my delusions in religion. I was struggling, I was frustrated.
I was reading this story realizing everything I know can come crashing down at any moment, while I am facing the unknown future I looking back in time wondering why I was so afraid to just be myself. I threw myself into my job whenever I felt overwhelmed by soulful deep questions.
I was in awe of the whole story of Pi, I was left to realize I am the story teller of my life!

My life is my responsibility and no one else's.

I can learn how to tame my own tiger of anger, I can learn how to see all the memories of my past in a much better light. I can be empowered by my sense of adventure and my sense of such value!
I can live! 
Sometimes I look back at that book always on my shelf and smile, for life is how we choose to see it.

ALL IS LOST

      This film is in my top 10 movies of all time.
It is as profound and deep as the ocean it shows us, as endless in possibilities as the sky above!
Robert Redford recently announced he will not be acting any more and I had to chuckle to myself thinking how I hope to be as active as he is at 82 years old.

This movie is simply breathing taking and Amazing!
Ever since I watched it I have thought about his self-reliance and self-awareness. 
His life time of knowledge in running his boat all by himself, his peace of mind being just with his own thoughts. It's a fascinating movie with such beauty in weather and nature, the man in the wild. He has such a kind wrinkled face with telling expressions on how he feels or what he is thinking. The whole movie is a metaphor for life.
This is a movie goes deep into the soul of us all! If we look for it, we can find it so very clearly!
When I watched this movie I was struggling so much in my life as my husband wasn't there much, as he's own life was very stressful and I knew that I had to let him be. He wanted a quiet home so I put this movie on having learned it was incredibly quiet. It was exactly what I needed that night as I cried on watching it in pure awe!  
I knew in that moment as the movie ended that I will never fit in, never be what the society thinks is successful and most importantly never be in my husband's world. And I was okay with that after all. I was okay with how I don't like the way the world works right now. Because I choose light and life, I choose to be completely on my own in a boat in the sea! This gave me such joy, such excitement for my old age. If I can be just like Robert Redford when I am 82 years old then I would know All isn't lost for I have found my way through in the best wisdom he has handed down to me!
I will miss him so much in the movies, for I look for him at the movie choices every time. 
His interview on Fresh Air about this movie "All is Lost." was a classic, a truth that I knew when I see this story unfold I would love it completely, because being okay with who we are is a message I believe in, being independent in taking a break from all the noise, from all chatter of society is something I have always done. We can't make it on own but we can respect ourselves along the way. I am looking forward to seeing Robert Redford's last movie but it will always be this movie that I love the most! For he gave me hope, he gave me wisdom and he gave me a tearful smile on my face!
Life is a journey, a new adventure every day and sometimes it's harder then you ever realized it could be.
I will always be grateful for this film and for all the work Robert Redford gave us!

THE TREE OF LIFE

This movie "The Tree of Life." has stayed with me for years now, it's one of the most powerful films I have ever seen.
It's one of the most powerful, most profound movies of my life.
It's amazing when it started I was drawn into it with such awe and such tears of joy for this life the yen and yang in good and bad, in grace and in struggle. In being worthy and in being worthless. 
This movie showed scenes as if a nature episode, to prove that as humans are born and die the earth moves on not interrupted by all the creatures living on it.
I want to be like the earth strong and solid.
I want to be like the sky wide open with nothing to hide!
I want to be like the weather embrace my moods, my emotions fully
I want to be like this movie in capturing all it's wonder from beauty in a smile or fear of failure.
I want to be free and I want to be at peace with being contained in this body at the same time.
If ever there was a number one top movie in my life time it is this movie.

I seek the tree of life, I long for the ocean to walk on the sand again watching the waves move time away from me. I will never be the same person day to day but I can find my perfection in nature. I can always remember who I was when I first found the sky!

I seek the wonder of it all, I seek the strength inside my soul for the days ahead....

Beyond The Veil

The older I get the more conversations I have with my loved ones beyond the veil, last night brought me back to want so desperately to call up my best friend Benny again and talk late into the night just like we use to.

I have a sense that she is already aware up there in heaven, in the clouds and in the sun light.
I cried myself to sleep whispering "Calling all angels...."
I have a realization that it's not going to ever really slow down this life of mine so I need to be able to react in the most honest ways.
I have been reading about witches once again as I prepare for the day of the dead, the Hallow's eve when I seek to honor death, the magic out there still unknown.
I like being older in my gathering of the earth through harvest time, making bone broth and understanding how to make healthy good meals, rest and heal.
I am a protector of all things living, fall season is a time to let go of what has to die through winter and come back strong again in spring.
I am a healer in seeking more knowledge for a healthy self.
and in these things I am aware that I can't always be successful in saving the world......
I like having a mission, a purpose and a focus of my self in how I can make each day a better story.
I carry love with me in all things and in every way until one day that same soulful love carries me beyond the veil.

The older I get the more people over there I want to see, I long to hug again for I truly miss them in times like this.....

I am a protector of this earth.

Broken dreams

This song tonight is for my hurting heart as I love on.

Calling All the womanly wisdom that I have within me to come forward and shine out through my tears.

Strong women come from broken dreams.

Motherly Women

       

It has been a part of my whole life in being motherly, in understanding how painful child birth is and how important it is to support and love the person fully while they give birth.

Then the sisterhood of support and care makes a village perfect!

I have believed that many hands make light work and make it fun to be a family.

I have been passionate about motherhood and sisterhood my whole life so when I read the book "Secret Lives of Bees." years ago I got it fully and completely in my wisdom as a woman and in my world of being the best person I can be!

I love the movie that came out years later and I went to the theater 3 times to see it again and again. I use to wish my mother and I were friends even when I was just a little kid I wanted to be connected to her but she made that very difficult from the very beginning of my life.

I didn't ever give up though, I kept trying to meet her half way in something we had in common maybe....yet as I turned 30 years old I realized that it would never be anything deep, anything real or honest. She was afraid of being vulnerable, back then she would just pretend that we hadn't just had a huge disagreement so I began to realize how I always found motherly women in my life as I grew up struggling with why my mom didn't like me at all.
 I challenged her just by being me, so I found loving support in other women in my life.
 I look back in awe of how much like Lily I felt growing up. 
My sister felt very much like me in many ways too but she used her anger and I use my tears when facing our mother's strong judgments and rejection.

I grew up being the adult I needed back when I was a kid.

I grew up being the adult in wisdom knowing I can meet my mom where ever she is, accept her just as she is because I already have more mothers in my life then I can ever count!

I was in pure awe by all the women who loved me just as I am!

I am living proof that love and grace doesn't get stuck just at home, it helps us all connect and forgive the wrongs of our past. When we are children we are helpless, we are simply trying to survive. We realize that there is no guarantees that we will be loved by our very own parents, we hope fro the best but like in my life it can blow up in your face and you have to wait it out until you are of the age to be free and strong on your own. Then you can return to your parents with simple long lasting love, they might rage on just like TJ does in Lily's story.....

I related to this book, For this story is about growing up trapped and scared all the time.

It's amazing how important it is to face the truth, to be able to forgive not only those who rejected us but also to forgive ourselves. 
As a child I blamed myself all the time not realizing it was never ever my fault. 

     

I have become a motherly woman, I have always had a good sense of what it means to love unconditionally, to never disown and to never abandon the children in my life time. Because of all I have lived through I have come out the other side stronger, braver and happier!

I have been thinking about how important these years after my mother's stroke have been in getting to really know her, in being able to help her and in learning so much more about when I was born unto her. She didn't want me in her life at all until I began to move about and after I was born she loved how cute I was. Then when I got older she couldn't believe how I talked back or questioned her it was appalling to her even to this day she admits how strangely different from her I always was.  

Our mothers are very important people in our lives, they were able to handle such terrifying pains to give us life! They didn't always have the answers or the best behavior but they were the first humans we needed to survive.  Love is the key for a successful up bringing into adulthood and in this story "The secret Lives of Bees." I can see how Lily found motherly love in the women of her life, she even learned how to love herself in the end. It's a gift we all have, it's a strength we all can share!

I truly enjoy being a motherly woman in this world! I see a whole new story of promise and hope for a better future as I whisper to the honey bees "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!"

Iron Jawed Women

        It takes bravery to be a woman, because we will never be as physical big and strong as a man. We'll never be safe in a world of violence and abuse. 
We sure can be smart, we can be clever, we can be wise and we can live through child birth which is the worse pain in all of the earth!....WORSE PAIN IN ALL OF THE EARTH! 
Women can endure the worse pains, endure the vulnerabilities of a society favoring men over women. We are a part of history as we fight on to have equal rights and to stand up for who we are!
We are women, we have the gifts to better the world!

The times are changing for the better, for the great awareness in how women have suffered and how they bring to this world so many wonderful amazing things to cherish!

We didn't get here today with out the bravery and the sacrifice of the women before us!

We are iron jawed women who are changing the world! 

We are a sisterhood of strength in all the things life throws at us, we fight the good fight to make tomorrow a safer good day for the next generation of incredible women!

I am so grateful every single day that I am a woman, that I can stand proudly for the gender I come from and to give it my all to create a perfect place in time!

The perfect Indigo Girls

I've loved Indigo Girls for years now and whenever I hear this song it makes me smile!
 Sometimes we just need a familiar song to get our day started with a smile and a cup of coffee!

Powerful Women

      My husband said to me just the other day "I can always tell when you are going to be fired up by the news if it's about abuse of any kind especially abuse for women, children and animals. Just be careful not to always blame the men, not all men are the same. I stand against abuse of any kind as well." I realized in that moment  how easy it is to blame the men for the abuse, and maybe there heroes among them...in fact I married one!
Good men are not hard to find. I have always said that because we need to be as positive and hopeful for the next generation to not get stuck in cycles of abuse.
As a woman I have warned other women that if they think "I am surrounded by assholes, these men are horrible." Then get out fast, run away to a different safe place. Good men can be found, good men can be trusted and most women appreciate how safe they can feel among the good men.
So I know that my husband has been worried about my blazing anger towards Trump and the whole system in the news right now about sexual abuse. He understands that this is a time in history where most women are angry about this. I explained to him that I want to fight now so that the next generation can be safer. I want to stand up against abuse bravely so that the next abuser will think twice! I've never been afraid of protecting the victims. If it turns out the victim is lying I can still be proud of my support, of my protection because being supportive is how the next person can feel safe in sharing. I believe that respect, protection and a open dialogue helps abused victims heal, grow stronger in themselves and I believe it was never ever their fault. 
Not ever their fault.

It's not your fault if someone did something to hurt you, if you have been rape there is nothing to be ashamed of. 
All the blame and all the responsibility of such a horrid hurtful situation falls upon the rapists, the abuser, the villain. 
I will say this clearly to any woman who has a story of tears, It is not your fault. Not Ever!
I've been a fighter for the safety of women and children my whole life, I've never been shy about how passionate I am in standing up for what's right and wrong. 
I think it's a disgrace when people roll their eyes when someone tells a rape story, that lack of respect is why we have a problem in the first place! 
My husband reminded me explaining "Until we attack Violence as a whole, until we have eradicated it from our society then we can see a change in all of these other parts of abuse that come from it. But if we fight against Rape, Child abuse and animal cruelty individually it will never end because it gains strength from all the violence out there."  
I replied back quickly "I will not stop fighting it at this level, if we can do away with ALL violence I am there, but the future depends on us women to be brave and fight back as we meet it face to face." He smiled and nodded saying "Never before in history have women been heard as good as they are being today, You should be proud of how far they have come. This isn't a defeat for all women as their stories come out and as the Metoo movement brings to light all the abuse in our society. It's getting better not worse, I know you are very mad about the President's bad behavior but it's nothing in comparison to the future, when he's long gone the women will still be here having their voices heard. I think it will get better I really do." 
I looked at my husband with tearful eyes as I went from feeling defeated to suddenly very proud to fight on! 
He smiled back at me "I think you are a powerful woman, you makes this world a better place every day, so don't get discouraged!"  
I chuckled back "All of this news has brought back so many memories of when I stood up against an aggressive man bullying my friend in front me. I even pushed a guy out of my apartment while he was yelling at my roommate calling her horrible names and I demanded that he never come back or I'll call the cops. Even once I was shouting right in the face of a guy who scrambled away saying "You don't have to yell." and I said "I thought you were deaf because she asked you stop touching her several times!" and I remember getting into trouble at church for arguing with a guy who was touching the young girls inappropriately....in fact they had a meeting with me in the hot seat for causing a scene in putting myself right into his face just after his actions were caught by me, he didn't ever stop. Yet I was a leader, a 21 year old protector of all the 13 year old girls in my care so I didn't stay silent about the constant struggle with his hands going every where freely. They demanded in that meeting that I apologize to the guy and I refused.
 My life is rather full of moments where men tried to take advantage of me or of someone else beside me. I am grateful for the fire in my soul, for the quick reaction of protection I have! 
I will fight to my death against any and all abuse if it can help make the world a better place for the future!"
My husband smiled proudly "That is why I love you! You are a strong wise woman!"

Women and Men create the yen and yang of a society, if all the power goes to one side then balance throws us all off into a hellish situation. 
We have a mission with our time to help the next generations succeed in finding that utopia if ever possible. 
So powerful women will match power for power of the already established men, we'll fight the good fight to the end! 
We will stand up together! 
We are 50% of the population on the scale of society!
Steady on everyone! 
Steady now!

Pure Imagination

             As October brings a celebration of being a kid, as we can dress up and decorate for Halloween. We honor the day of the dead, the truth about fear and creepy things on this earth and come together in the fun festivities.
Our pure imagination can gives us such wonder in this world!

The good verse evil is a very important topic for children to think about.
For adults to understand as well actually,  sometimes we the adults now forget to be playful and just have fun!
We forget to explain how important it is to be brave when everything gets scary!
We should always honor all the holidays that come from our past generations in each season for a reason.  We shouldn't forget all the wonder in this life time!

Wonder Women

                   

The rain came down on the cabin hard, Mom chuckled at me against the light of the lamp by her side of the bed saying "Well we timed that just perfect!"

I pulled the sleeping bag and blankets over her paralyzed arm and made sure her pillows felt right to her as she began reading her book.  I talked about how wise it was not to stay through the worship service that late into the first night there, it was very crowded in the basement of Trinity Pines during all the singing, all the praying and then the special speaker began. It was during one of bathroom breaks that Mom said she was feeling tired and ready for bed so we simply strolled on out to the elevator. This was my first time here, I had been a bit nervous at what we were getting ourselves into....My mom's Nazarene church had announced that the ladies retreat was the last weekend of September, My mother's birthday is the first of October so this was also a celebration for her too. I said "Yes, sure thing I'll take ya." then began to wonder how it all works, the happiness my mother had was worth my instant reply, she spent that whole summer planning and dreaming of getting out into the mountains. While most everyone else said I was crazy, said I was reckless. I simply said back to them that I am strong enough to do this, that it was the right decision instantly I know it was exactly right.....When I get that feeling, that peace of mind in my delight of knowing deep into my soul that I am right where I belong. I feel such peacefulness fill my heart and mind, I have no doubts, no fears, no second guessing and no anxiety. It was a real adventure for us to attend the ladies retreat that first year, The cabin was handicap friendly, we read our books in bed head to head. I would notice how excited for the whole weekend my mother was as we were all setup and ready. I had her wheel chair and cane handy to use through out the night. I had her clothes and her leg brace set out so she can see it from her side of the bed because she wanted to make sure it was all there. I had heard the number of ladies there that weekend was over 300. The mountains were beautiful! The stars were so bright at night, the deer came up close to the lodge and the whole weekend went by quickly.

I did a  lot of running out to get the car and bring back to help load up all my mom's things, I became such good friends with the ladies from her own church because they saw all my hard work sweating about to get my mom setup for every meal and every event.  They were the true friends my mom hadn't realized she had.  I was able to do everything in pure delight because I knew that I had been given such a gift in my strength and in my love for my mother. Our new friends saved us a place at the table and held the doors open, they brought us drinks or things we needed, they visited nicely with my mother then joke with me of how I never get to sit down myself. I didn't mind at all of course, my mother was thrilled to be there, I was thrilled she was healthy enough to be there too!

 The second year was much harder, I was surprised by how much harder it was then the first year. Yet we weren't in a cabin this time we stayed in a beautiful cozy hotel room at Ashley Inn. We were by far much warmer then that first year, we were even setup with a handicap shower in helped me get my Mom ready in no time. I was delighted to see all the nice ladies again, they once again went above and beyond to help us. They were far more aware of my need for some help the second time around and I thanked God for them. I wasn't as strong, I wasn't as cheerful in my aching grief. Mom and I were able to sit away outside in the sun light and cry together.

It was a difficult year because we also had some of mom's friends staying in the hotel room with us, and I knew that they wouldn't get a moment of sleep.  Of course They didn't hang around long once they realized that too, but my mother was sure happy to see them and she asked where they were all the time so that was a good distraction. I wondered if I could do all of this again, because I saw how beautiful my mother was when she sang all those christian songs of her past. I saw how she needed to be hugged by all those women and prayed over, she needed to sob with me on the balcony in our reminiscing over Derek. She needed to have fun activities, she needed to just be on her own for a bit too. I would watch her stroll along in her chair to look at the silent auction as I drank my coffee, I would stay close by yet give her a sense of being on her own. I smiled to myself thinking "Lord willing, we can do this again next year....maybe."

This was the third year, and it truly was wonderful! 

I was far more prepared, we were really organized. All summer we talked about it, all summer we packed for it. All summer we enjoyed how it was all working out! My mother's 2 sisters were able to come, my heart was bursting with happiness!

My Mom was also thrilled for one of her sisters had to fly in for the weekend and it all worked out so magically perfect! It was the best time I had ever had, it was the best feeling for me to not be all alone up there. Yet I never realized that I felt alone at times looking back I can see it now how having many helpful hands make light work!

Mom's sisters were spot on in seeing my needs, my routines and my ways of getting my mom moved around. They were always right there the second I needed to carry something or go grab something. I knew on that very first night that God is so Good! The world is wonderful! Love Lives on! I am full of joy to see how happy my mom was that her sisters took her inside the lodge while I still had to go park the car far away. I use to worry about my mom just waiting for me in the cold outside evening air of the mountains, I use to run fast to get back to her side after gathering all the things she would need. We would join all the ladies and I would go grab drinks for us but this time my aunts had already took care of it. They were never afraid to touch the wheel chair, or help hold my mom in place. They knew all the little things I knew in taking such good care of her. So I had such loving support all weekend long, I had more energy because they were there. We had a great time, soaking in the hot tub which helped my mom not ache so much, we ate a peaceful lovely breakfast in the hotel dinning room. We got everything we wanted at the silent auction and spent an afternoon relaxing with ice tea and ice coffees in the Cascade drug store, telling stories and laughing! I love my Aunts, I love my mom and I will always love looking back at the past weekend. For it was the best yet! For it was perfect to see how wonderful family is!

I was walking back to the table, not rushing, not worried over how my mom was. Instead I simply walked back to the table to see Her already eating her dinner. My Aunt Kathy and My Aunt Karen were right there beside her and I smiled to myself for a moment because these wonderful women are the first ladies of my life.

Almost 40 years ago these 3 beautiful faces greeted me into this world!

                       and I am in awe of them.