As Strong as You were

As You were

 As strong As You were.

On July 18, 2011 as we all rushed to the ER scrambling in pure terror while our Mother was having a massive stroke. our father asked "Did anyone get through to Derek?" 

we were missing him in gathering group so we all called his phone, I said suddenly remembering something he had about his job "He can't always have his phone with him while working so email him, he will get that for sure on his lap top." So my husband, who had a newer phone did just that.

My heart was racing, my tears were falling and my mind kept saying "Where's Derek, where's Derek?" We waited in separate corners of the waiting area of the hospital, I looked at this realizing how we were connected to Mom, we waited in our own corners awkwardly with each other, then Derek arrived rushing in with his arms wide open!

 "DEREK!" we gasped and ran into those arms like a magnetic pull all at once because of HIM we knew what to do suddenly! I kissed his cheek saying "I am SO glad you are here!"

Derek's arms held the 6 of us all at once and we sobbed together as if one, for the terror befalling our mother.

If I sit all alone, no one around I can see this moment again in time. 

This moment that changed our lives forever.

"Call me 911." my father's texts sent chills up my back as I thought "It's about Mom." then I asked myself "Am I ready for this?" as I called him instantly back. 

He sounded so wounded that I knew a tough man like him never sounds like that unless it's death.

My heart pounding as I heard him explain "The Ketchum hospital called me..." I interrupted him in such terror that I had never knew was even possible asking him 

"Is Derek OKAY!?!?!?" 

He began crying as he explained "No, he died, He was killed..." I interrupted again, I begged him"Daddy no, Daddy, NOT DEREK! Oh my god, Daddy, Daddy No, no no no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

                 

I was NEVER ready for that moment in my life.

My Awesome brother Derek Klein died at 34 years on Saturday February 25, 2017 while snowboarding in Sun Valley Idaho. 

My beloved mountain man!

I really need one of his big bear hugs more now then ever before.

Tender you go,

my brother

I want my brother to be alive again!

I hurt like I've been ran over by a truck.

I want my brother!!!

I am the oldest, I should go first right?

I need my brother.

Derek

I want my brother Derek back! I want to hear him say "GEE, DEB." when I say something silly just one more time!
I want my brother to still be alive, to walk with me through my garden again and share his thoughts on where is a good place to plant things, just one more time!
Give me one more time with my brother so I can tell him how much I loved him!

Of the Light

Equality

For the last 18 years of my life I have lived with the Four Agreements which are;

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

When my husband and I were dating we met every Saturday morning for our book study. After realizing our bible study wasn't doing anything for us but simply being put on repeat, we decided to branch out and I was more willing to learn outside my religious bubble. We study "The Mastery of Love." by Don Miguel Ruiz. Every Saturday when we both met up we had our own copies of the book with our own notes on the side then we spent the whole morning mid-afternoon discussing in-depth these important love lessons for life!

And what a wonderful magical life we have had! After we were married we made references to Don Miguel Ruiz books, I would buy a new one while we were on vacation, reading out loud as we drove home. Sometimes we agreed and sometimes we didn't so these books gave us direction for thought.

The Equality of our marriage has always been a priority of ours from the moment we said "I do."

There is no one perfect person nor is there a perfect marriage out there in which if you follow the rules you will succeed, my mother thought the bible was like a rule book to follow for protection in living yet I explain to her the ideas, the advice and the wisdom about the human condition is not able to capture the ever changing evolving ways of life. It would be nice if we could contain the energy of the world for our own personal safety and control.....but that isn't how any of this works. We can't grow, we can't learn new things if we limit ourselves through fear.

I was afraid to get married, afraid to loose my independent self and afraid that I would be trapped or stuck in some way in the end. I have always been very aware of how marriage works in religions, in following the bible guidelines. It took me a moment to realize that I am in control of my marriage simply by loving my husband just the way he is and just the way I am. I let go of all those old fears in comparing my self to other married people who struggled so much.

"The Mastery of Love." is my number one all time forever favorite book. I live by it, I enjoy my married life because of it.

It helps to have a strong friendship with your partner, everything that is important to me is also important to my husband so that when we are frustrated with each other we make time to talk about it.

I wonder if marriages get harder as people grow older, I haven't been married all that long compared to a 60 year anniversary couple. I will always say "And they lived Happily ever after!" as my blessing at a wedding, as my hope for the future for them and as a mission statement for my own life choices.

I believe a positive attitude and a willingness to share helps any relationship out, so I celebrate love stories and that fairy tale romance that makes so many movies popular in our society.

I made a list of how my marriage works for my own joy and then I thought why not share it?

1. Respect each other; Listening to the other without judgement or correction. Not embarrassing each other or trying to make the other look bad.

2. Negotiation; This is my favorite rule in a relationship, I LOVE negotiations! I believe making time to decide after hearing out both sides of the discussion is exciting and freeing to me! I even tell the kids I babysit that my rules are easy to follow, Don't hurt anyone. Don't hurt yourself. EVERYTHING else is up for negotiation.

3. Honesty/Accountability; Some people are born honest and it gets them into loads of trouble as a kid, they can't seem to learn how to NOT be honest so just like me they grow up aware of how hard this is for some to do. Being called out on your shit is very important for personal growth, as long as it's not done in public, that's where respect plays a huge part in protecting each other. 

I will die being honest to my last breath, I will always keep myself accountable because I love the end result of who I am.

4. Supportive Trust; This is just as important as Honesty, always having your partner's best interest at heart allows for trust to grow or stay strong. The thing I have told my husband from day one, "If you fall in love with someone else just tell me, I would be so honored that you trust me and that you found what you were looking for. I would be thrilled and happy for you because I only want what is best for you!" We often get into trouble if we become possessive of each other, in reality we all here at the same time nothing is ours to keep forever.

5. Partnership; The best marriages I have seen are the ones with 50/50 responsibility. Sharing the same financial awareness, sharing the same life goals, sharing the same desires in every day life and always sharing the same ability in working together in the home. I think my husband and I really like our partnership as our home is very peaceful, we have a refuge from the world!

6. Unconditional Love; This is last but not least.

I have unconditional love for our pets, always. It's easier to love on the helpless dependents then to love on our partners who can be stubborn or challenging. We all have weaknesses in selfishness and in annoyance of each other but when we practice Unconditional love for pets and children we able to have it more for our lovers. This can take time in the making, I use to hide in my bedroom when I fought or argued with my newly wed husband back in the day, I was afraid to say something mean so I created a girls only room in our first home. If he tried to come in I would be so upset, then he realized that I needed his unconditional love during those times that we rarely disagreed because I hadn't found my own feet in standing up for myself without saying the wrong words. When he would get so upset that there were kids around him I would practice my unconditional love towards him saying "You don't have to play with us, it's alright to go to your office and close the door." We build a life time on how important Unconditional love was/is to us. 

It's fun to make these lists, to think about how everything works for us. I enjoy my 50% of the relationship, I will always be grateful looking back no matter what the future holds. I will always hope for the best and hope for the help that I can be.

My happiness is a choice, my marriage is a choice and my living happily ever after is a choice as well.

For I will celebrate Love till the day I die!

Classy moves

Yesterday waking up so early again for the second day in a row of my husband's Bar Exam my heart racing and my thoughts on getting him there in time.

I came home feeling full of energy and excitement for we are almost done through this whole thing.

We won't know for 2 months if he passes or not.

I guess there is nothing to fear we have been here before.

I decided to do a dancing ceremony for good vibes to send out into the Universe!

I kind of like not having my husband home as I put this song on repeat about 12 times to which he would of surely complained but it was just me kicking up my feet in the wide open living room!

I felt AMAZING filtering out my stress like this!

Don't believe me, just watch! (I looked JUST like these guys I am sure....)

The Cottage Club

       

 My husband shared "Whoa, it's the 30th anniversary of "The Breakfast Club."

I chuckled suddenly remembering a conversation my sister and I had when we first watch that movie together. My sister had a big screen TV in her bedroom when we were 17 and 18 years old.

The privacy of our own cottage to live in on the farm was truly delightful in our freedom to discuss and ask each other such taboo questions about who we like int the movie

My sister was already very annoyed at me over "Top Gun." one of her favorite films at that time.

She threw her head back in disbelief exclaiming "You can not be serious!?! Out of ALL these men playing volley ball...you pick GOOSE!?!?!" I stood thinking about from the very beginning of the story he was very attractive and humorous to me. My sister and I had a long debate about "Top Gun." as I couldn't stand Maverick and even though he redeemed himself in the end I couldn't see any exterior attraction at all.

"The Breakfast Club." was late in arriving to our lives as we usually watched when our mother wasn't around, she despised public school, she said that teenagers should never hang out with each other as they are not helping each other learn anything new because only the older people can do that.

Mom's most common phrase back those days was "Teenagers are a bad influence on each other, they succome to peer pressure." I would always picture a pier by the ocean with seagulls on it suddenly being pressurized by the strong winds whenever she would say this.

We were very use to her by the time we hit "Young Adulthood." she would always correct us when we would say "Going off to youth group tonight." by stopping us at the door of the house looking doubtful that maybe she shouldn't let us drive off on our own. We would scramble to appease her by saying what she wanted to hear "We meant Young Adult gathering for the Lord."  There wasn't any "youth group shenanigans" going on we assured her. In having the modern day movies in our collections my sister and I were able to see a glimpse into the real world.

Of course movies are not real world at all, we watched "The Breakfast Club." with true delight and intriguing dialogue. WE had nothing to judge it as the pure stereotypical Hollywood's dramatization for our entertainment. My sister and I understood what school was, what classrooms looked like and how we even had teachers in our extended family but we enjoyed "The Breakfast Club." even more for a whole world we were not apart of. It was during that time my sister and I were also in driver's ed together, I leaned over to her on our first day pf training saying "This is the very first time I have ever sat in a school desk before!" I smiled big as she pretended to not know me muttering "Don't be a nerd!" I thought to myself in a giggle "To late...."

If I had thought after watching "The breakfast Club." I would be better prepared for Driver's ed summer morning program I was definitely wrong and awkwardly joking around with the kids in my classroom in references of the movie.....I am sure if my sister could of had a different class time she would of taken it!

As we were beginning to be friends, as we were finally able to have our own space away from each other there was a peace in us that helped us notice the other person. My sister asked me over a bowl of popcorn on her big bed in front of her big TV while "The Breakfast Club." played on...."So which boy do you like?" I replied back automatically as always "I don't like any boys."

She rolled her eyes as if she had heard that to many times to count, "No Idiot, in THE movie...god!"

I burst out laughing suddenly realizing what she meant and coming back from the screen to her, I laid on the floor actually laughing so hard I was weak, for all of my life I never allowed myself to think about it or never thought about it out loud if a boy was cute and made me nervous suddenly I avoid him like the plague! and if ANY boy talked to me that was my age or older I would double check my parents didn't see us.

I stopped laughing as my sister looked down at me shaking her head, I explained "I forgot Mom wasn't around for a moment so sorry! If I think Goose is cute from "Top Gun." then you should know my answer for "The Breakfast Club." The nerdy guy! I like him so much!" My sister threw some popcorn at me exclaiming "Noooooooooooo! please stop! You are killing me!" 

I knew as I rejoined her to watch the movie that this was a great time in my life! I loved having these conversations and being more aware of my own interests. In this moment my sister looked at me very questioningly almost worried as she asked "You do know to "like." means to KISS this guy right????" I looked surprised and glanced around in alarm, such a word to be used like "Kiss." was unheard of in our family! In fact our mother would spring into a purity sermon if she had overheard us talking so I felt instantly uncomfortable at what she would think of us now? I shrugged casually back "Well, yeah sure...I could picture kissing him, but only after we ran out of things to talk about! I think I would rather just hold hands to be honest." She choked on her soda and then laughed for a long while as I sat there worried that such things as kissing shouldn't be talked about anymore, especially if our mom would just walk in as she always did. 

In fact one time I found Mom bent down under my sister's open window in the back of the cottage listening and watching as I called out to her "It's a new dance that she is learning called "The macarena." and I can't seem to get it right no matter how much I try." I walked on as if this was a usual sight having a sneaking around mother. In fact it was, but now in the freedom of our very bedrooms it didn't bother me anymore, she was always going to think Satan was out to get us "youthful" types. If ever she knew we watched "The Breakfast Club" all the time it would of sent her into praying out loud or another long winded sermon.

After these heart to heart conversations my sister and I would have, she would tease me "Oh look it's your boyfriend!" when a nerdy looking guy walked by us in the mall and if our mother over heard she would demand to know what we were talking about as I was left giggling and shaking my head knowing "I don't ever want to forget about this stage in my life....don't, don't, don't, don't you forget about me..."

My husband paused in alarm "Wait a minuet! Does THAT mean I am a NERD??????"

The Truths

           "By tying your self-love and self-acceptance to a goal, your happiness corresponds to it's achievement. When you reach your goal, your self esteem rises temporarily; When you don't, you think less of yourself.

This is using goal setting as a tool for self-domestication, as you have chosen to conditionally love yourself on the success or failure of your obtaining this goal. Now the expectations of what "should be." controls you.

The process looks like this; 

1. You decide the person you are is not enough,so you set a goal to achieve something.

2. You implicitly make an agreement with your-self that you will only be worthy of your own love if the goal is obtained.

3. If you don't meet the goal, you judge yourself accordingly. If you do meet the goal, you inner judge raises the bar.

That is the trap that the Master of Self avoids, and to do so is to love yourself unconditionally, seeing that you are already perfect in the very moment.

....and there is no goal you need to obtain to be worthy of your own love."  

(from the book "The Mastery of Self." by Don Miguel Ruiz JR)

The Map

Honest Love

A couple of years ago I went through a situation that made me realized how important my honesty is, how my honesty was there for my protection. 
I shouldn't try to hide it nor should I shy away from the strength that it gives me in who I am. 

          The night was getting late as we were on a real honest to date! I was thrilled to dress up in a way I didn't normally, I was thrilled to feel so elegant and sparkly. 
We ate in a fancy restaurant and talked about some many delightful things that I was feeling so truly happy and romantic. I have always advised newly married couple to never stop dating like this, to never stop trying to honor the other person in respectful playful ways. 
Yet it had been a very long since we sat like that, since we had been on a date and we were rusty with each other at times.
.... I realized in all honesty life it self was simply "rusty." for us.

Romance is the gift and life is the journey.

The night was dark, the car moved on towards home and I felt truly sexy in my stylish new dress!
Then my husband pulled into the grocery store asking me to run into the store to buy him some treats, his list of needs wasn't very long. I said "Nope."
We argued for a long while actually.
He said "Come on, you can just dash in and get the stuff now. We'll have dessert at home."
I sat stubborn in my debating "No, I will NOT go in there like THIS!"
He protested "Don't be ridiculous, we are already here...just run in, what's the big deal?" 
I warned him in my bewilderment that he didn't understand why I said no. "LOOK at me! my dress barely covers my butt! I said "NO." you can take me home and come back for your stuff on your own." He grew impatient and we argued on some more.
I didn't have a jacket, or a shawl. I did not plan to find myself dressed for date and suddenly now pushing a cart around the huge store.
I protested in all honesty and in all clarity.
He wouldn't listen, he really wanted that candy bar in the end. 
So I took a deep breath of defeat and left the car, saying "Is THIS why you wanted to drive to get me here? instead of just going home??? Because that's not cool, I can't believe you sometimes."
He smiled so happily as I left like he had won, my father-in-law would warn me that I am spoiling him to much at times so this night I walked into the lit up store in heels and lace with a frown on my face!
As I grabbed a basket I tugged at my dress and took a deep breath again, my sense of humor was kicking in and my desire to just be home was so overwhelming that I walked carefully and steadily I saw my reflection against the mirrors at the jewelry counter as I walked by in a dress that I would NEVER wear again after that night.
In the same moment that I saw my dressed up self I heard some one say "Debby, get back in the car, get back in the car right now!" 
My heart was racing suddenly and the alarming idea of being attacked by a man came flashing me before my very eyes, I had to stop walking and shake my head "Good lord! what is wrong with me? I'm being so weird." So I ignored the overwhelming emotions I was feeling and patted my pinned up hair with big curls that rolled down my naked shoulders, as my chest felt suddenly so very heavy I reached for all the things that my husband wanted..."How not so romantic this has all turned out to be." I joked with myself, 
I always sought humor first in dealing with my husband, it could be why we have been married for so long. We both like honesty and humor.
I shopped along trying to not think about my vulnerability in that moment at the store. 
For it was one of my main rules to never wear a dress in s store like that but there I was, against my own rule book for my life. 
I never dress that way not ever, I wondered to myself "Why did I wanted to look extra special for tonight? Is my marriage on rocks? I think it is.....I should try so hard like this for attention. Now I am in a bad situation because I wasn't dressing like my honest self!"
Yet some reason I just felt like it was very important to make this date night time extra special even sparkling, with his law school being far more demanding then ever I would be, I realized I was in the wrong in my actions, not being honest with who I am. As I shopped I chuckled to myself at the pure irony of everything, for I had wanted a night to remember!

And indeed it was.................
....I bumped into him in my hurry through the store OR maybe he step in front of me, as I remember every detail from how he grinned knowingly, how I truly lost in my own thoughts had not seen him at all!
 I felt alarmed by that smile of his, I felt panicking kicking in me as he didn't move out of my way, it was as if he wanted me to touch him.
I instantly reacted to him in my usual pissed off way that I get for my own self for protection. This wasn't the first time, I knew how to say in a total bitch way "I'm in a hurry here!" so I pushed by and He put his hands out to catch me as I tried to move away. "Is this really happening right now???" I wondered as he said "Steady there, those are some shoes!" I swung my shopping basket right into his chest and moved on cussing under my breath as I left not looking back.
 My frustration was full on burning in my mind now, at first I was dealing with my husband and now a total stranger! God, men can be so annoying!
I soon realized that He was following me every where trying to grab the same things I was grab at THE very same time! "What is this dude's problem?" I wondered then I caught him looking right at my heart shape chest in a dress not appropriate for the grocery store.
"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! For shit's sake!" I thought to myself as now my being pissed off wasn't an act I was really mad now!
Eventually, I was clever enough to loose him as I went long mumbling to myself that this was the last I ever cared about looking sexy for the rest of my life! and
With such haste I was grateful to reach the cash register rather out of breath but grateful just the same!
I set out all the things my husband had requested. I felt proud of myself for ditching my stalker, I felt ready to get back to my romantic ideals.
 Then suddenly I felt a rush of cold chilly air run up my legs as I stood there opening my wallet and chatting nicely with the clerk. 
For He was there on the floor looking up my dress!
He was there laying flat out on the ground with his head between my feet! 
I screamed without thinking!
I screamed with out thoughts or reasoning! 
I screamed for the shock of all thing living in this world!
I simply rushed into the arms of the cashier in my escape!
"What hell??? How did he do that so fast!?!?!" 
I guess he had won! 
He had stalked me and now he had won! by sliding down on the floor like that!?!?  
"This isn't a baseball game, ya don't slide in the grocery store! my god!" I couldn't believe my very own eyes, I couldn't stop the shaking in the realization of what was happening and the sudden rage that filled my blood veins like a warm fire! 
I wanted to beat his ass and kick him in the face screaming out everything horrible about him....yet at the very same second a cold rush of such fear had me stuck in mid-motion. 
My mind was trying to figure out what to do, my heart was pounding!
The cashier yelled at him to get up and off the floor, she demanded that he needed to wait down by the end of conveyor belt. She knew exactly what was going on, she knew without wasting a breath that this man had to get back away from us right away. She was my hero!
Suddenly a half of dozen sales clerks were also there standing close by and watching. 
So as she half hugged me in a understanding, she gave me a very kind look. She didn't chase me out of her personal space by the register either. I was shaking visually by now, I wanted to just cry!
Instead she patted my bare shoulder while I choked back my tears, I thought about what my dignity looks like to me, how I believe in such bravery as I paid and thanked her with my chin held high I never looked back at him. I never acted like anything had happened.......AND I never cried.

I walked back out to the car in pure silence and head held high, with fire burning in my eyes.
 Along with many things I had learned that night, in just few short seconds of time I saw all of my mistakes, my faults and my weaknesses flash across my mind.
"I am not a little girl anymore, I am a warrior woman who will kick the ass of anyone who is a threat." Such a thought helped me walk on straight and tall, I wasn't running for my life, I wasn't here on this earth for the delight to men! I will never make this mistake, if I stay honest in my love then I will never put myself into such danger. I will fight back like the ocean and I will not give in for anything!
"Yet I sure as hell can't do much in a dress like this! goddamn it!" I wasn't using humor anymore in my thoughts, I was using common sense. This whole event wasn't my fault, wasn't in my mistakes or in my lipstick. It was simply the asshole's fault, not mine but I will be better and wiser for it in the future!
my honesty and my feeling the warnings is so very important to me. I should respect that more next time.

The whole situation taught me something about fear that I had not been honest about, fear of being made helpless or being made a victim. 
That is REAL fear, there isn't a magic spell to get rid of such a thing.
I had always wanted to be made stronger then the honest facts, I had always wanted to believe in super powers and amazing self defense. 
When actually put to the real life test in this story I lost and I was made humbled, more aware then ever before and more confident in who I am. 
My husband seemed worried by my  dead silence as we drove home. As we parked and he wouldn't let up that I must be really mad at him, I shouldn't pout so....I warned him with one pointed finger to his face in a strong thick voice I said  "Next time when I say "Its a rule of mine." YOU will listen to me, YOU will respect me or leave me alone. For in true love honesty wins out! Fuck this shit!" Then I gave him a recap of my night in the store, every honest detail and thought that I had of the whole event. Which left him stunned as he followed me into the house asking "Wait, wait...wait a minuet, now what happened exactly?"

and I proudly dropped my high heel shoes into the trash can, with no regret!

Protective Love

                         It was powerful moment in my life looking back to when I was 14 years old walking hand in hand with my beloved friend Tiffany. We had gone out with her mother for a lovely fancy dinner, dressed up and delighting in conversation over a shared dessert the whole evening had been wonderful and fun!

I had been in awe that we were out and about on this warm summer evening, I was grateful that my persistence in hoping to be friends with Tiffany had paid off as we walked arm in arm whenever we saw each other in church, in the country side, in social events and at the park. We simply enjoyed being friends, talking about so many things late in the night at a slumber party or around the fire pit at camp.

This evening was exciting because we were walking hand in hand through the city mall, we were sucked into a huge crowd as the mall was closing, we had not yet met back up with Tiffany's mother so we found ourselves outside. (and these were the years before cell phones) Tiffany began to worry about how to find her mother when I suggested we walk out to their car and wait there.

Hand in hand, we walked together as the young beautiful girls we were simply lost in our own conversation to not noticed as the huge crowd of people left the mall all around us, the parking lot was full of activity and suddenly a young man called out to us as we passed by "Hey, hey, hey YOU...are You girls holding hands?" I began to turn and look at who was talking to us as we were now out into the big wide open. 
Tiffany, being a year older always seemed to know what was going on around us faster then I could. 
So she grabbed my whole arm instead of just holding hands, we always held onto each other for companionship, for safety and for our new "sisterhood." holding hands was what friends did in my world. I never knew such a thing would stand out in public at a problem at all. 
I was startled by Tiffany warning me "Don't look! Don't make eye contact...just keep walking." I saw this young man who was calling out to us, he was sitting in the back of a pick up truck with some other guys, I quickly counted 6 of them. 
"HEY! don't walk away from me when I am talking to you!" He shouted back out as I turned around fully to see him face to face I shouted back at him  "Don't be bossy, I don't know you!" 
The group of guys came to life as if of one mind, they were laughing at me and suddenly they were all interested in what was happening. 
Tiffany had to jerk me back from them as I was ready to give them a piece of my mind! I said to her looking back at them in disgusted "How rude, they can't boss us around!" 
Tiffany hissed "No no no no don't encourage them to talk to us!" The one guy yelled "Why were you holding hands? Hey why? Are you lesbians? Why are you holding hands????"  

They all seemed to taunt us with this word I had never heard before, I called back as we kept walking by "BECAUSE we are FRIENDS!" 
Tiffany looked as if she could cry which worried me greatly and suddenly I was very angry in awareness that these guys had upset her!

The guy called back "I think you are a lesbian!" then he jumped out of the pick up followed by his buddies as they began running towards us! It was a surprise to me that a flash thought, a reminder of what my Aunt had warned me about, I could hear her voice in my head, she was warning me as she did in our last visit together "If a man ever tries to grab you, have your knees ready to kick up between their legs and have your hands out to scratch their face like this! Just in case this could happen to you, always scream out for help and never stand still! Never make it easy for them to attack you!" 

In that moment I remember what she had shared and I was ready for all of them as they came running towards us, I turned to face them head on in a strong heated rage that rushed through my veins like hot lava! I knew I had it in me to fight back! and I was ready! Just then as they came running towards us Tiffany shouted out "RUN! Debby RUN!"  
I realized that was a very good idea too! so I followed her as we ran back towards the mall.

While we rounded the corner and found the first set of doors we could find, I kept on guard facing the way the men were coming with both hands out as if this would scare them, (I rather felt like a cat with claws out warning anyone who would try to get close)
 I trusted Tiffany to bang on the locked doors to get someone's attention as she was also praying out loud for the both of us. 
The older man who had been locking up that department store came to help us, Tiffany burst into tears when he asked us what was wrong and I pointed from where a group of men were chasing us. 
He ran out into the parking lot to face these guys, but they were gone and then he was very protective of us, He kept looking alla round like he was very alarmed. He locked up the doors again, letting us stay in the protected entrance. Then He left to call mall security. Tiffany slid to the floor to listen on as I ranted and raved, she shared how grateful she was that I was so brave.
Yet I was so mad, so upset that those men would dare to chase us!?!? I paced back and forth trying to figure out what all had just happened.

"Who do they think they are?!? Scaring us to death like that!" I spatted in my fuming rage, I punched the air as I pictured hitting them right in the nose!  
Tiffany reflected back "I had thought to myself that we shouldn't be holding hands but I didn't want to get lost from each other too...I was afraid people would think we are lesbians and sure enough!" 
I paused from moving about to asked freely as I always did with Tiffany about everything I didn't understand while we were growing up.
 "What is that? why did he say a lesbian in that bad way? why would he call us that?" 
She looked at me sweetly as I was very use to everyone looking at me like that by then, (to explain that I was sheltered growing up would be an under statement.)
She explained to me with such a matter-of-fact voice "A lesbian is a woman who loves another woman." 
I snorted back in my sarcastic way saying "Also known as Friendship! Duh!" 
She burst into laughter for a moment and I went to sit beside her as she caught her breath and explained more "Kinda, not really though....it's a woman who wants to kiss another woman like how Belle kisses the Beast, with that same passion and desire of any love story. Only it's 2 women." 
I sat there realizing that I knew nothing about the real world around me, I realized my mother would be freaking out right now that we were even sharing this much information about such a sinful word as  "desire"!
 I reply back "Well then that explains it, I guess I was able to get so mad and fight back because I had no idea what was really going on and I didn't realize we were in such danger!" 
Tiffany laid her head against mine as we waited till her mother came for us, Tiffany sighed sadly "Being a lesbian is wrong, the church talks about it all the time, as it goes against God's plan." I shrugged back shaking my head in my own doubts with a smile explaining "Everyone is so obsessed with "God's plan." it's like if we can figure that out, then we don't have to think about it ever again. We should always be ready with a plan, like my Aunt recently showed me how to protect myself against a guy attacking and look! I am glad I knew what to do tonight!" Tiffany rolled her eyes replying "I am glad you have someone to help teach you something, Lord knows your mother wouldn't want you to know about these things."
 I reflectively thought out loud as we  so often did with each other, we liked talking out our thoughts together. I shared on "I think the word "Lesbian" sounds like a type of fairy from a magical land far far away!" 
Tiffany giggled at me again, and I preferred that to her crying so we leaned side by side together She sighed "Oh, what a story we will have for tonight!" I pipped up with pride "And I can't wait to write a thank you card to my aunt for her advice in how to protect myself! Talk about perfect timing in having a plan!"

Abusive Love

The Yellow Wallpaper,
After having read this short story lately, a good friend recommended it to me and I saw how important it is to remember what abusive love is....
It can be physical, emotional or verbal where one person dominates the other, also known as bullying or manipulating. The levels of abuse can run deep or be hidden from those around them but it's important to know that just like in this short story both people in the relationship thinks it's love for each other as it seems like a good marriage at first .....and then you read on in realizing there's a fear based reasoning going on in both of them.

REAL love stands on it's own without needing approval or acceptance, when you love someone in a healthy way then you will want the very best for them, even if that means they will not have you in their lives.

I think there are many levels to love in the healthy strong sense and to the abusive sense, it's easy to slip into assuming the one you love needs you in every way, and if you could keep them safe or protected then you are being a good lover but I think that it can wear on the relationship over time, so staying honest when one feels taken advantage of is very important in balancing the relationship back to respect and joy, it's delightful to find someone who will listen and change any behavior that isn't helping the relationship. I think abusive love can sneak in when we don't pay attention to how we are with each other.

This story "The Yellow Wallpaper." got me thinking about how fast lives can change, how important it is to not be afraid of living and to understand how Love can't be imprisoned, how love isn't our own to rule over but instead it's far more when shared!

Picture Perfect

           It was the day before Valentines day in the year 2007, I drove out to a farm in Star Idaho with my mind bursting with questions like;

"Are WE ready for this kind of responsibility????"

"Will he even like us???"

"What if he's aggressive or bites everyone!?!?"

"Maybe I have made a huge mistake? Maybe I should of called someone and chatted about this for a bit?"

and then I took a deep breath with my hands on the wheel the car moved me closer to the place that last miniature schnauzer puppy was for sale....

 As I took that deep breath with all those questions flooding me, a thought helped me smiled with courage growing stronger, a thought I had said
 "Oscar is waiting for you right now."

My husband had the name Oscar picked out after watching his favorite sitcom at that time called "Curb your Enthusiasm." The German Shepherd dog on the show was named "Oscar." and so as I thought about what to get my hubby for Valentines day because we always stopped our lives on that day every year for each other, I decided to surprised him with a 4 month old pup! 
I even surprised myself for not telling anyone about my gift idea until I had gone to buy the dog on that clear cold evening from a breeder who said he was the very last one that she had, and she was worried he wouldn't find a home since the females were far more popular. I knew that I wanted a male puppy, which would be an easy fix to handle!

"Oscar is waiting for me!" I said with renewed confidence as I entered the home of children and cats, the second I walked in Oscar was greeting me with his adorable furry body wiggling all over in excitement and I sat directly on the floor for him to run all over me, I had worried that he may not like me as I visited for a bit with the lady who was selling him, she said with a knowing smile "You seem to know how to greet dogs." I nodded explaining how my father-in-law already had 2 miniature schnauzers and I spent tons of time with them, so I knew how socially smart schnauzers were. 

I had gotten Oscar in hopes to cheer up my husband but what ended up actually happening was how Oscar cheered me up! I couldn't imagine now looking back that I needed a dog far more in my life then I had realized at the time. 

Oscar really did save me from a distracted busy life style to a more grounded reflective way of living! I quit my job to be a better pet owner and to give him the best quality of life I could! 
Both my husband and I have always felt responsibility is very important when you take on the care of another being. We have always worked together in keeping our pets safe from that very first Valentines day when Oscar came into our lives! 

      Life truly burst into magical memories from those early days on with puppy Oscar in our lives! 

I would always say to my husband "Oscar votes with Mommy, so that's 2 votes against 1." whenever we had a debate going, my husband would joke that Oscar seemed very surprised every time he came home from work explaining to me  "Oscar looks at me with such surprise that he can't believe I lived through another day! He has that "Whoa! YOU still live here with US?" look that makes me wonder what does he really think of me?" 

I laughed so much because Oscar was always shifting his eye brows side to side like he was always watching every little thing my husband did or said, he seemed to know what was going on by tilting his head as I would say to him "Daddy's home!" ...and then I would think to myself "Did Oscar just roll his eyes at me?!?!? HA! What a smart dog!"

It changed our lives for the better on that Valentines day 10 years ago, my husband exclaimed "This has been such a shock! A great gift of course,I just hope we are responsible enough for this!" 

I laughed in agreement saying "Oh I know, I was thinking that too! I guess we are "parents." now!?!?"

           The skillet sizzled and crackled as I moved about our condo kitchen naturally cooking up a feast! Along with fresh homemade bread and brownies cooling on the counter, my late afternoons were almost always like that in my many projects for different kinds of dinners. I would step back to look at every little detail and think to myself "These are the magical days of our lives that I hope to never ever forget!" and I loved it all from my fresh flower vases against my newly painted walls to the sunlight resting on my napping worn out puppy and kitten as they cuddled into each other, for homemaking was my deepest delight and it made our lives so complete!

So while I would be cooking up dinner and sing along to the radio, my husband would come home from work in those early evenings looking into the windows of our warm glowing welcoming place with such a big smile, He said it was so nice to see the lights on as he arrived, then the fragrance of dinner cooking greeted him at the front door! He was so happy to have such a lovely place to live!

As our pets jumped into his lap while he sat back to relax in a clean and cozy home saying with a wink and a smile at me "Now a man could get use to a wonderful life like this!" just as I would hand him a beer while talking on and on about my busy day with the latest funny pet stories! And he would sit back so proud to see that all was well, all was peaceful in our little "family." 

and it really was such a picture perfect time in our lives!

3 Doors Down - It's Not My Time

Love is the most powerful motivation to protect those around us, Love gives us strength and a bravery.
I will always remember the first time I saw this and how I cried for happiness that love gives us awareness of those around us!
Love is the connection in keeping us together on this earth, when we know it's worth we throw ourselves into danger without a second thought!
So Love on with Courage and make the world a better place!

Celebrate The Love!

To kiss,

To hug,

To hold and to be happily together is what Valentines day is for! It reminds us that love is the most important thing of all!

Love in the gardens and the trees, Love in the sky and all types of weather!

Love for the wild life, the nature and the cuddling pets, Love for all the friends and all the family that fill our lives with so much love and laughter!

Love for your spouse or partner in sharing all these adventures, in sharing all of these days of living a magical life!

Celebrate the Love today that is found in everything around us!

To kiss,

To hug, 

To hold and to be happily alive today in carrying the love with you!

Mary J. Blige, U2 - One

Sing it on out talented Lady!
I really love how strong she is in capturing this song with such heart and soul, full of feeling!
One love, one life and we carry each other....we carry each other on!

Smart Women

I saw the movie "Hidden Figures." the other night and I loved how smart these women were! 
I ate it all up in numbers and clever comments this movie brought to life a very important story that I had never known before about our nation's quest to land on the moon!
It was profoundly inspiring and important to remember before the lap tops and the internet we have today, these women in NASA were called "Computers." 
They were brilliant and able to do the work on their own, in their own minds without "Googling it."

These women should BE the very story of NASA, sending men up into space was their job that they cared about it with passion and wanted to help make it all possible!
..... yet most of us have never heard their names before this film......
I am once again blown away by the powerful strength of women, of how standing up for what is right will help change the world! 

Smart women make this world such a better place, they truly give us hope for the future! 

A Wise Woman....

Another Brave Woman

Helen Keller was a woman ahead of her time. She taught us all so much about the world around us not just our own small world views. She was viewed as a Radical, yet I see her for being brave and courageous!

I think there are hundreds if not thousands of stories from our past history not always recorded of brave, strong women!

We need to remember that we are never alone, that if they call us a "Radical." chances are we are doing something RIGHT in changing the world for the better!

YES! Magazine is a favorite read of mine and thinking about all Helen Keller has done gives me hope for these days of ahead in standing up for my community, in being aware of what is going on....