Search This Blog

Monday, February 20, 2017

Honest Love

A couple of years ago I went through a situation that made me realized how important my honesty is, how my honesty was there for my protection. 
I shouldn't try to hide it nor should I shy away from the strength that it gives me in who I am. 

          The night was getting late as we were on a real honest to date! I was thrilled to dress up in a way I didn't normally, I was thrilled to feel so elegant and sparkly. 
We ate in a fancy restaurant and talked about some many delightful things that I was feeling so truly happy and romantic. I have always advised newly married couple to never stop dating like this, to never stop trying to honor the other person in respectful playful ways. 
Yet it had been a very long since we sat like that, since we had been on a date and we were rusty with each other at times.
.... I realized in all honesty life it self was simply "rusty." for us.

Romance is the gift and life is the journey.

The night was dark, the car moved on towards home and I felt truly sexy in my stylish new dress!
Then my husband pulled into the grocery store asking me to run into the store to buy him some treats, his list of needs wasn't very long. I said "Nope."
We argued for a long while actually.
He said "Come on, you can just dash in and get the stuff now. We'll have dessert at home."
I sat stubborn in my debating "No, I will NOT go in there like THIS!"
He protested "Don't be ridiculous, we are already here...just run in, what's the big deal?" 
I warned him in my bewilderment that he didn't understand why I said no. "LOOK at me! my dress barely covers my butt! I said "NO." you can take me home and come back for your stuff on your own." He grew impatient and we argued on some more.
I didn't have a jacket, or a shawl. I did not plan to find myself dressed for date and suddenly now pushing a cart around the huge store.
I protested in all honesty and in all clarity.
He wouldn't listen, he really wanted that candy bar in the end. 
So I took a deep breath of defeat and left the car, saying "Is THIS why you wanted to drive to get me here? instead of just going home??? Because that's not cool, I can't believe you sometimes."
He smiled so happily as I left like he had won, my father-in-law would warn me that I am spoiling him to much at times so this night I walked into the lit up store in heels and lace with a frown on my face!
As I grabbed a basket I tugged at my dress and took a deep breath again, my sense of humor was kicking in and my desire to just be home was so overwhelming that I walked carefully and steadily I saw my reflection against the mirrors at the jewelry counter as I walked by in a dress that I would NEVER wear again after that night.
In the same moment that I saw my dressed up self I heard some one say "Debby, get back in the car, get back in the car right now!" 
My heart was racing suddenly and the alarming idea of being attacked by a man came flashing me before my very eyes, I had to stop walking and shake my head "Good lord! what is wrong with me? I'm being so weird." So I ignored the overwhelming emotions I was feeling and patted my pinned up hair with big curls that rolled down my naked shoulders, as my chest felt suddenly so very heavy I reached for all the things that my husband wanted..."How not so romantic this has all turned out to be." I joked with myself, 
I always sought humor first in dealing with my husband, it could be why we have been married for so long. We both like honesty and humor.
I shopped along trying to not think about my vulnerability in that moment at the store. 
For it was one of my main rules to never wear a dress in s store like that but there I was, against my own rule book for my life. 
I never dress that way not ever, I wondered to myself "Why did I wanted to look extra special for tonight? Is my marriage on rocks? I think it is.....I should try so hard like this for attention. Now I am in a bad situation because I wasn't dressing like my honest self!"
Yet some reason I just felt like it was very important to make this date night time extra special even sparkling, with his law school being far more demanding then ever I would be, I realized I was in the wrong in my actions, not being honest with who I am. As I shopped I chuckled to myself at the pure irony of everything, for I had wanted a night to remember!
And indeed it was.................
....I bumped into him in my hurry through the store OR maybe he step in front of me, as I remember every detail from how he grinned knowingly, how I truly lost in my own thoughts had not seen him at all!
 I felt alarmed by that smile of his, I felt panicking kicking in me as he didn't move out of my way, it was as if he wanted me to touch him.
I instantly reacted to him in my usual pissed off way that I get for my own self for protection. This wasn't the first time, I knew how to say in a total bitch way "I'm in a hurry here!" so I pushed by and He put his hands out to catch me as I tried to move away. "Is this really happening right now???" I wondered as he said "Steady there, those are some shoes!" I swung my shopping basket right into his chest and moved on cussing under my breath as I left not looking back.
 My frustration was full on burning in my mind now, at first I was dealing with my husband and now a total stranger! God, men can be so annoying!
I soon realized that He was following me every where trying to grab the same things I was grab at THE very same time! "What is this dude's problem?" I wondered then I caught him looking right at my heart shape chest in a dress not appropriate for the grocery store.
"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! For shit's sake!" I thought to myself as now my being pissed off wasn't an act I was really mad now!
Eventually, I was clever enough to loose him as I went long mumbling to myself that this was the last I ever cared about looking sexy for the rest of my life! and
With such haste I was grateful to reach the cash register rather out of breath but grateful just the same!
I set out all the things my husband had requested. I felt proud of myself for ditching my stalker, I felt ready to get back to my romantic ideals.
 Then suddenly I felt a rush of cold chilly air run up my legs as I stood there opening my wallet and chatting nicely with the clerk. 
For He was there on the floor looking up my dress!
He was there laying flat out on the ground with his head between my feet! 
I screamed without thinking!
I screamed with out thoughts or reasoning! 
I screamed for the shock of all thing living in this world!
I simply rushed into the arms of the cashier in my escape!
"What hell??? How did he do that so fast!?!?!" 
I guess he had won! 
He had stalked me and now he had won! by sliding down on the floor like that!?!?  
"This isn't a baseball game, ya don't slide in the grocery store! my god!" I couldn't believe my very own eyes, I couldn't stop the shaking in the realization of what was happening and the sudden rage that filled my blood veins like a warm fire! 
I wanted to beat his ass and kick him in the face screaming out everything horrible about him....yet at the very same second a cold rush of such fear had me stuck in mid-motion. 
My mind was trying to figure out what to do, my heart was pounding!
The cashier yelled at him to get up and off the floor, she demanded that he needed to wait down by the end of conveyor belt. She knew exactly what was going on, she knew without wasting a breath that this man had to get back away from us right away. She was my hero!
Suddenly a half of dozen sales clerks were also there standing close by and watching. 
So as she half hugged me in a understanding, she gave me a very kind look. She didn't chase me out of her personal space by the register either. I was shaking visually by now, I wanted to just cry!
Instead she patted my bare shoulder while I choked back my tears, I thought about what my dignity looks like to me, how I believe in such bravery as I paid and thanked her with my chin held high I never looked back at him. I never acted like anything had happened.......AND I never cried.
I walked back out to the car in pure silence and head held high, with fire burning in my eyes.
 Along with many things I had learned that night, in just few short seconds of time I saw all of my mistakes, my faults and my weaknesses flash across my mind.
"I am not a little girl anymore, I am a warrior woman who will kick the ass of anyone who is a threat." Such a thought helped me walk on straight and tall, I wasn't running for my life, I wasn't here on this earth for the delight to men! I will never make this mistake, if I stay honest in my love then I will never put myself into such danger. I will fight back like the ocean and I will not give in for anything!
"Yet I sure as hell can't do much in a dress like this! goddamn it!" I wasn't using humor anymore in my thoughts, I was using common sense. This whole event wasn't my fault, wasn't in my mistakes or in my lipstick. It was simply the asshole's fault, not mine but I will be better and wiser for it in the future!
my honesty and my feeling the warnings is so very important to me. I should respect that more next time.

The whole situation taught me something about fear that I had not been honest about, fear of being made helpless or being made a victim. 
That is REAL fear, there isn't a magic spell to get rid of such a thing.
I had always wanted to be made stronger then the honest facts, I had always wanted to believe in super powers and amazing self defense. 
When actually put to the real life test in this story I lost and I was made humbled, more aware then ever before and more confident in who I am. 
My husband seemed worried by my  dead silence as we drove home. As we parked and he wouldn't let up that I must be really mad at him, I shouldn't pout so....I warned him with one pointed finger to his face in a strong thick voice I said  "Next time when I say "Its a rule of mine." YOU will listen to me, YOU will respect me or leave me alone. For in true love honesty wins out! Fuck this shit!" Then I gave him a recap of my night in the store, every honest detail and thought that I had of the whole event. Which left him stunned as he followed me into the house asking "Wait, wait...wait a minuet, now what happened exactly?"
and I proudly dropped my high heel shoes into the trash can, with no regret!

No comments:

Post a Comment